8: Nothing can possbly go wrong!
Ripa 'Moramee stood silently as he intently looked around the small, but quaint room he was now in, having seized it from the hands, er, hooves, of the impetuous locals, and he promptly frowned at what he saw. The homely, old-style air of the house and its furnishings made Ripa 'Moramee shudder briefly, reminding him of his home, back on the colony of Honored Heart... and how much he loathed the planet, and every last being on it, especially his siblings. But, despite his growing anger, this did not deter the massive elite one bit from enjoying his massive upgrade in living quarters as he looked around his new shelter, soon to be the center of his very own keep, from where he would soon make a name for himself, and perhaps teach these fetid pony-creatures that their friendship was weakness, and that true strength lay in the path of the Great Journey... or, at least, with the Prophets. So, finally sighing a long breath in appeasement, Ripa then made his way to the middle of the main room, kicking the odd toy or other obstruction out of his way as he marched. Soon, the elite thought as he sat upon a too-small couch to rest his tired legs, the entire fetid, cutesy world would know the greatness that was himself, and that they, despite their armies and their champions, would either leave him to his own devices, or die. But first, before any thoughts of conquest or battle could cross the elite's mind, something else ran through his brain, something that evaded him at the time he was taking this farm from it's original occupants: The princess and her minions, who no doubt have heard from both his former slaves, and the peasants that lived here previously.
"No doubt she will confront me upon hearing this..." Ripa thought aloud, his deep, growling voice causing the whole room to shake with its intensity as he spoke, and the Elite pondered this as he tried to adjust his hindquarters to the tiny sofa, which felt more like an awkward chair to the massive sangheilli warrior.
"Hmm... this may pose a problem... that princess and her grunts will no doubt pressure me endlessly about my aggression... Damn it all, I knew I should have killed those farmers, what in the name of the Great Journey stopped me!?..." The Arbiter thought on this question a while, and suddenly, something interesting presented itself to the Arbiter's mind; after his bloodlust had ended, Ripa then felt very, very tired, as he remembered. No doubt, the delusional mad-god made this so, placing a curse upon the very boon he had granted; with his immensely great strength, would soon come an even greater need for a nap. But despite Ripa 'Moramee's anger at the inconsistent deity, he still maintained his calm, and meditated quietly on his next course of action, and on how to deal with the threat that now imposed itself on his dreams of raiding and burning this entire world to its bedrock... Or, at least, stake out a considerable existence for himself, away from all the friendship and the hugging and the disgusting sweetness this world presented to him. So, the Arbiter, in all his tactfulness and wisdom, thought long and hard of his next move, grumbling to himself as options and strategies arose from the depths of his bleak mind, each one scrambling over the other to make itself heard, and to hopefully become Ripa's favorite.
"Hmm... Perhaps a pre-emptive strike could be of merit..." The Arbiter mumbled, but he quickly waived it away, seeing as that course would only seal his fate in one way or another. After all, he had no real power yet, at least, not enough to challenge the royalty... yet.
"No, that will not do... Not at all... Hmmmm..." The Arbiter thought, scratching his jaws, when suddenly, another Idea clambered forth, seeking his attention. "Perhaps..." the elite thought, "I could ambush them somehow..?" Ripa concluded, and his head raised as the Idea sunk in, and hundreds more ideas raced through his blood-stained mind, each one bearing a potential strategy on how to successfully carry out the very deed he sought to accomplish.
"Should I lie in wait outside while they come..? No, too forward... Maybe block the road... No, they can fly. Hmmmmm... Maybe... Maybe I can... Wait..!" The Arbiter exclaimed to himself as he meditated, and as he thought, a plan suddenly came to mind, one so foolproof, so diabolical, so PERFECT, that Ripa chided himself for not coming up with it sooner, and grinned evilly as the details of his regicidal plot played out in his mind, and the sigil on his back started to appear again, growing in intensity as his bloodlust grew as well. Finally, as the Arbiter played his dastardly conspiracy out in his mind, he unconsciously reached for a family photo next to him, and as he gripped it, he spoke to himself as he crushed the picture of the former residents' family, presumed to be the parents of the young cowgirl-mare he fought earlier.
"So... these pathetic creatures wish me to play nice, Hmm? Well then..." The Arbiter trailed off, as he looked to the very picture frame he was crushing with unfathomable malice in his hate-filled eyes. "... Then I will show them all just how nice Ripa 'Moramee plays!" The massive elite finally exclaimed, his voice dripping with venom, as he then crushed the photo frame into splinters and glass shards, destroying the photo within in his mighty grip. And so, his anger vented (for now), Ripa 'Moramee got up from his uncomfortable seat, dusting the remains of the picture frame off of himself, and began to tidy up the rather simple house, in preparation of his expected 'guests'.
Much later, in Canterlot...
Celestia stared intently at the two creatures before her who had entered her castle, claiming to have escaped from the massive alien that resided in the Everfree forest, the one that called itself... oh, right, it never said its name, aside from it's honorary title of 'Arbiter', whatever that meant. Still, the two before her, one griffon, Gilda, and one of her own ponies, Trixie, claimed to have escaped from the alien's clutches, and now stood before her, after having the guards pass them through, telling the princess of the sun that this alien, whoever he was, had enslaved them and had made plans to do so with the rest of Equestria, maybe even the world. However, despite the alien's temper, as Celestia herself had seen when she first met the belligerent hulk of an alien, she still had her reasons to doubt the two's stories of horror and escape, especially after hearing them say how he single-handedly killed a hydra. So, gazing upon the two subjects after hearing their cases, Celestia took a slight breath, casting a concerned look over Gilda and Trixie, and at last spoke to them, reciting all that she had just now heard.
"So... Trixie, Gilda... You two are telling me that this alien... this, 'Arbiter', as you say he calls himself, held you both captive on threat of death..." Celesia paused for a reaction, and got a nod from both of them to affirm that her assessment was correct, allowing the princess to continue. "And that he forced you into labor, also on threat of death..?" Celestia paused once more, earning her another nod from Trixie and Gilda, and at last, Celestia continued, finally reaching what she assumed to be the punchline of this zany, unbelievable joke. "And finally, you say that he, and I quote, 'killed a hydra by himself in under a minute'? Is this the report in its entirety?" Celestia finally asked, skeptically raising an eyebrow at the two before her, but they both remained stoic, and Trixie replied to the princess bluntly, confirming their story to be true.
"He did, princess! I saw him kill all sorts of things in that forest, and we were almost next! Please, you have to believe us, that alien is a menace and needs to be arrested, or destroyed, or shipped back to his homeworld or something! Please, we wouldn't come to you directly if we weren't positive of this fact! Trixie gives her word!" Trixie pleads, tears welling up in her eyes as she begs the princess of the sun to take immediate action, and though she was skeptical, seeing the hysteric state of the showmare and her friend made Celestia's heart twinge, and deep down, she knew she had to do something. Though she didn't want to believe that their first visitor from beyond the stars was a psychopath, he certainly was capable, and never denied the claim himself, though it was never brought up in their... brief meeting. Alas, Celestia did not want to scare away the alien yet, as she knew that Luna was simply dying to meet him herself, seeing as he was a being from beyond her own night sky, and she practically viewed the alien as some kind of celebrity. On top of that, the mere thought of what kind of new sciences and culture he could teach ponykind was mind-boggling in and of itself. But when two innocents claimed to have been attacked by him, and even threatened by him, Celestia knew that action was required... but not the kind these two were hoping for. No, such a delicate matter as this required a more delicate approach in turn. So, that in mind, Celestia turned to the mare and the griffon, and at last, declared her verdict.
"I see... well, then if this Arbiter character is what you claim him to be, as in a warlord and a prideful psychopath, then I see no reason why we should not pay him a visit to confirm your story." Princess Celestia said, her voice calm and full of care, but unlike her, the two accusers were now anything but calm. In fact, the two seemed downright terrified... and not for themselves.
"W-what!? B-but Princess, you can't! He'll likely say anything to make us seem like fools! You don't know him like we do!" Trixie pleaded again, but her cries were interrupted by Princess Celestia, who continued smiling and generally maintaining a calm aura, despite the heatedness of the situation.
"Indeed, which is exactly the purpose of this trip: To get to know him better than I do now. This is also why you two are coming with me, to help further see the merit in your story." Celestia declared finally, and the two began to break out in heavy sweat as they remembered the massive elite, and how he constantly assaulted them with criticism and death threats, not to mention the fact that he was taller than Celestia herself, and could very really destroy her and them if he found the opportunity to do so. Still, despite their combined pleas against the actions Celestia was now taking, she still seemed hell-bent on meeting the alien again, even despite their last... conversation. But in her head, Celestia knew what she was doing. From her perspective, the Arbiter's anger derived from the fact that it was likely only lost, confused, and scared, likely making it seem to the two that it really was a monster. But maybe, if she was to find him again, perhaps Celestia could reach out to the alien, and maybe form some kind of understanding between him and the ponies? It was a stretch, to say the least, but after all, what kind of princess would Celestia be if she didn't try? Still, though, the two girls pleaded with her to not do this, but to no avail.
"Don't do this! He'll kill us if he sees us again!" Gilda pleaded hysterically, but despite the twinge in her heart at their fear, Celestia knew that she was doing right for all parties by doing this.
"Come now, it will not be that bad! All we'll do is find the Arbiter, talk to him, and maybe you'll learn that, deep inside, he's only..." Celestia would have finished, but as she reached the final part of her speech, the doors slammed open, and there stood a panting, concerned-looking Twilight Sparkle, accompanied by all her friends, the most notable, due to her sullen expression, being Applejack. this intusion caused a brief silence to fill the room for a moment, but it was quickly dashed by Twilight Sparkle, as she began to speak of something that made Celestia's blood run a bit colder.
"Celestia, we... we have a problem, a big one!" Twilight said, But Celestia smiled calmly at her former student, and replied in her usually calm voice.
"Is it truly so urgent, Twilight? I was just on my way to speak with the Arbiter again, hopefully on better terms, to sort something out between him and these two." Celestia said, gesturing towards Gilda and Trixie, but Twilight's face suddenly became very rigid, and after some hesitation, the lavender Alicorn slowly raised her head to Celestia, and very timidly, spoke once again, but what she had to say made Celestia's blood freeze all the way, this time.
"Ummm... yeah... see... This problem... kinda IS the alien." Twilight replied at last, and Celestia merely stood there, shocked. The problem... being the Arbiter? She had hoped it wasn't true, but if Twilight was saying this as well...
"I... what? The alien is the problem..? I'm afraid I don't understand, Twilight." Celestia replied, her every thought wanting to know more about the situation at hand. And lo and behold, Applejack stood forward, and spoke out to Celestia, confirming her fears.
"It's true, yer Majesty. Ah'm afraid that the alien yer talkin' about just up and... kicked me an' mah family right outa our farm, after dang near killin' me an' mah brother first, not to mention mah sister and her friends." Applejack explained, And Celestia, still processing what she just now heard, simply stood there, a look of fathomless shock on her face. The Arbiter... he couldn't have! What kind of lunatic would declare such aggression so brazenly, and to such innocent individuals?! The Arbiter may have been angry and giant, but he certainly couldn't be capable of doing such horrible things for no reason... could he?
"...I... I see... Well... I guess that I'll have to do something about this alien, then..." Celestia almost whispered, still half-out of it after being dropped such news as this, but before action could be decided Luna Suddenly came in, a look of utmost excitement on her face, and she was practically squealing with glee, earning the attention of Everypony in the room.
"T-Tia!!! Tia!!! Wonderful news!!!" The hyperactive princess declared, shocking Celestia out of her stupor, and at last, the princess shook her head, looking toward her bouncing sister, and she replied as calmly as she could, not wanting to break her sister's happy mood.
"What is it, Luna? Is it something urgent?" Celestia asked, and as soon as those words left her mouth, Luna's energy seemed to increase almost tenfold, and she practically shattered every glass object in the room with the sheer pitch and volume of her voice as she held up a freshly-opened envelope, holding out the letter within for all to see, and explained the situation herself, causing the floor to shake as she bounced while doing so. Goodness, Celestia had never seen Luna this excited about anything before, what made this moment so unique?
"The Arbiter! He has sent a letter to me! He is inviting us over to his new base of operations to speak with us! Oh, I just have so many questions for him!" Luna carried on, and in her absence of mind, didn't notice as the letter was taken by Celestia, who quickly read over it herself over the sound of Luna's prancing and squee-ing. Needless to say, what the princess of the sun and the Mane Six read (after using a translation spell to decipher the odd, angular runes etched onto the paper) utterly shocked and confused them to no end:
"Dearest Rulers of Equestria:
I, The Arbiter of the Prophets of the mighty Covenant, do hereby request with utmost sincerity that you both, along with your minions champions, accompany me at the apple farm to the north, the one that belongs to one of your own champions, to discuss matters of diplomacy, as well as formal and sincerest apologies to said grunt champion of yours, and any others I may have wronged during my brief arrival here. I sincerely hope that you will join me tonight for these purposes, as refreshments are available, and we have much to discuss.
With honor, Ripa 'Moramee, Arbiter."
After finishing the letter, Celestia suddenly felt a wave of mixed feelings wash over her: Confusion, relief, regret for ever doubting him, and mild disappointment that his crimes were, in fact, not fabricated. But still, the Arbiter, 'Ripa 'Moramee', as he said his name was, was willing to apologize for them, and even talk to the princesses of other things as well. This brought much joy to Celestia, but as expected, the Mane Six were rather Skeptical about the whole deal.
"Well, I think that solves that. I suppose we should accept such a gracious invitation, Hmm?" Celestia asked the Mane Six rhetorically, but still, Twilight interjected, speaking for the whole group through her words.
"I don't Know, Princess... this all seems a bit fishy. I mean, first, he looks like he wants to kill us. And now, he's offering to appologize to all of us over dinner? I'm sorry Princess, but I don't like the sound of that." Twilight said, followed by several nods and sounds of approval from her friends behind her. But, nonetheless, Celestia retained her hopes that the massive elite in question did, in fact, change, and replied to the younger princess with calm and hope in her voice.
"Oh, Twilight, have you already forgotten that lesson already, after you yourself tried to teach it to everyone?" Celestia said, earning a confused 'huh?' from Twilight, before continuing.
"You remember Zecora, do you not? How everyone thought she was evil because she was different? Well, imagine that similar scenario, but from a being who had no intention of arriving here, and was suddenly assaulted with the strangeness of a whole new world? It's not hard to see anyone not reacting similarly, Twilight, and I'm sure that, once we talk to this 'Reapa-Moraymee', it will become clear that all he needs is a friend and a willing ear to listen to him." Celestia finished her speech on a high note, causing everyone but Applejack to murmur agreeably, and at last, Twilight Sparkle replied, her voice solemn in disappointment of herself.
"Oh... uh... I guess... You're right, Celestia... I didn't really think of it that way..." Twilight said, but suddenly, she was cut short by a loud, attention-grabbing whistle, and Applejack finally stepped up, anger in her eyes and conviction in her voice as she voiced her own concerns.
"Now Hoooollllld up, ponies. Now ah don't know what the sudden change o' heart is all about with this Ripper-Moray character, but need Ah remind y'all that he almost KILLED mah whole family, and then kicked us outa' our own home? How'm ah supposed to just lie down and accept some fancy 'pology from some big, split-lipped snake who, only moments before, looked like he wanted to EAT me? Does that make a lick o' sense to any of y'all?" Applejack finished her rant, stomping her hoof down for emphasis, and the whole room went silent as thought pervaded the minds of all within. But still, despite Applejack's rant, Celestia looked to the orange cowmare, and with a smile, replied to her concerns with utmost thoughtfulness and diplomacy.
"Well, that is quite a concern there, Applejack. But we don't rightly know much about the Arbiter's race or culture, and I can only assume that, to warrant such admittedly unacceptable behavior, he must have perceived some kind of threat from your family..." Celestia explained, but was quickly interrupted by Applejack, who voiced herself quite loudly in her own counter-argument.
"What kinda' threat could two little fillies have posed to that monster?! They wasn't even a tenth his size, and he up and grabbed them like sacks o' apples, and looked ready to kill them! How do you 'splain that, Princess?" Applejack finally finished, and Celestia breathed out a calm breath of air, steadying herself, and despite Applejack's outburst, she replied as calmly as ever, still wearing that trained, diplomatic smile.
"Well, Applejack, I do not know how he would perceive such a threat, but that's why we have to talk to him first. Again, we don't know anything about him, or his kind, or even what he was involved in before now. All we can do is see, and maybe, even you will see not a monster, but just another pony with a need for as much care as the next." Celestia argued, and Applejack opened her mouth to argue, but soon found that she couldn't find a thing to say in her defense. So, with that, Applejack simply lowered her head, glaring at the floor, and grumbled her final reply.
"... Ah, fine... but Ah want mah farm back, ya hear?" Applejack grumbled, and Celestia laughed softly in response, smiling wider than before, this time in genuine joy. At last, they were going to meet this strange being, and maybe learn so much from him in the process...
"Oh, but of course, Applejack. We'll work something out, and leave no one wanting. Who knows, you might just make a new friend out of this yet!" Celestia replied at last, smiling widely as she and all in the room made way for the door to visit the elite who'd so nicely invited them to apologize, though she couldn't hear just what Applejack said next.
"Ah doubt it..." Applejack muttered grimly, and at last, the whole party, including the two reluctant accusers from before, all finally made way to Applejack's farm, where the whole ordeal would finally, hopefully, be sorted out.
Later, at the farm...
Ripa 'Moramee waited patiently as the gargantuan, wooden construct beside his seat chimed again, loudly as ever, indicating that the time was... late, he assumed, though he could not read the tiny language of these fetid beasts, even on such a gargantuan (and annoying) machine as the one that assaulted his ears once more with its incessant chiming. Still, though, he waited, meditating as he always did, somehow made easier by the rythmic, calm chime of the machine he moments before chided for being so obnoxious. But still, he waited, and meditated, for what seemed like hours. Then, just as he was beginning to give up hope, thinking that his letter had been ignored (or was unable to be read), the door suddenly resounded with the sound of one knocking on it, and Ripa 'Moramee jumped up in shock, almost hitting and flipping the table he had set the various plates and teacups on for the guests. (yes, Ripa knows how to make tea from human plants. He meditates, and he drinks tea. Deal with it.) But still, despite the near-blunder, Ripa set the table right as he got up again, just as the door knocked once more, and he finally made his way to the door, with a bit more excitement than he had intended, and quickly opened it, revealing the face of none other than the white princess herself, Celestia.
"Ah, mister 'Moramee, may we come in?" Celestia politely asked, and it was all Ripa could do not to vomit on the spot. Still, he smiled his best, toothiest grin, and stood aside, letting everyone, including two VERY familar (and possibly dead) former slaves, into the large farmhouse. And so, with a smile, Ripa beckoned the troupe in, and spoke at last, his voice coming out a bit more sinister than was his intention, though he did not notice.
"Ah, Celestia, Dearest Luna, do come in... I believe we have much to... discuss..."
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It's a trap!?
Oh my God, Uber, you've been featured. I didn't even know you wrote, let alone that you wrote well.
Also, I've noticed you don't seem to visit cheezburger anymore. If you've found someplace better, please let me know; I'm getting real sick of the place.
Luna?
I think you meant Trixie.
Beside this one mistake, I'm loving this, keep up the good work!
5180274
Memecenter.
You simply must visit, it's glorious.
... Wait, this was featured?
5180938
Abso-freakin'-lutely, it was featured. Uber, is there anything you can't do? Besides predicting that your story got featured, that is?
Also, thanks for the referral.
5181358
You are welcome.
Also, there is only one more thing I cannot do: kiss my own elbow. It infuriates me to no end, you see.
5181377
That's okay, they have a surgery for that.
freakingnews.com/pictures/60500/Michael-Phelps-with-Short-Arms-60713.jpg
Alright, what's his game? Explosives to blow up them and the house? Some kind of medieval death trap? Is he just gonna stab them all?
Okay, first of all:
lol, and secondly:
I'm done here.
5181423
... yeah... no thanks on the T-rex arms, please.
5181478
If i told you, then it wouldn't be surprise, now would it?
IT"S A TRAP!!! and i cannot wait for it.
Dear Master Moramee.
Out of curiosity, how many tries did it take you to write that letter, and counter question, on how many accounts did you almost vomit?
Sincerely Yours, The Cake Devil.
5194862
Dear Master Cake Devil,
Despite your blasphemous name, as well as the insulting implications of your previous letter, I, the Arbiter, have taken it upon myself to answer your question with as much grace and honesty as I can possibly muster towards a human:
The letter I wrote took at least fifteen attempts to make presentable, until I said, and I quote, 'To hell with this! I'll just cross out the unwanted words, who's going to notice?'. I think that plan worked rather well.
As for how much I wanted to vomit, I will say I kept a bucket nearby just for such an occasion. To answer your question; when I began, the bucket was empty, and my stomach full. When I finally
threatenedpersuaded that mail-horse to deliver my final draft, I had to make a stop outside to empty my bowels again, because the bucket was already full.I sincerely hope that this reply answered your questions, and I hope never to hear from your pathetic, pony-loving human hide ever again.
With honor, Ripa 'Moramee.
Allahuackbar translation- god is great/the greatest
5244240 get the fuck out of here.
5244484 Mam, Yes Mam!
And my middle finger salutes you
thereginamom.files.wordpress.com/2012/01/fuck-off.jpg?w=600
5249247
No.
5180938
Dear Ripa Moramee Arbiter,
I Sir Alonne request your help in ridding myself of these pests known as ponies. They show no honor and are completely annoying! The first thing they do is attack me on sight! I may be veagly human but I believe we both can put our races rivalry behind us to kill a common enemy!
In return I swear on my sword I shall help you as well! Will you help me?
Your ally Sir Alonne.
5304764
We will see, Sir Allone. What have you in mind?
5315658 well read my previous comment and you shall see! X3
Summon Thel Vandam with Master Chief and lets see what happans.
Lord have mercy on their souls.
5315747
Well, sir Allone, Ripa has begrudgingly accepted your offer. In a future chapter, you two will meet, and engage in jolly cooperation!
5319189 Oh I can't wait young knight!
41.media.tumblr.com/8ca77f44f85aa31e360438611b48a877/tumblr_nic8gbOGSO1u27pz3o1_1280.jpg