Well that escalated quickly.

:|

This story, I like it. ANOTHER!

Needs another chapter.

so will this be twilight only or a herd fic ?

Thanks to all who liked it so far! (Yes, I said so far.) I will be continuing this story, I don't know when I will update it, but I will eventuality. I have a lot on my plate thus far, with my other stories I write. (On Fanficiton, some are way too long to post here, with italics, some song lyrics, and the first couple chapters are not that great compared to my current writing abilities, I will only post newer material here.)

This may be a herd story, but I'm not fully sure as of yet, seeing how I haven't written anything for chapter 2, so anything is game.

3751755
Escalated quickly indeed.
When will he understand the importance of line breaks?

five foot twelve

Otherwise known as 6 feet?

based off the xeno-verse gotta love it

will there be more of this?

Did it ever say that they stopped the stove before she teleported them out if not well is house is mostly going to be set on fire but hey a miracle could happen.

"Goodnight squeeze" Lol

I am currently working on another chapter for this story, a sort of prequel chapter, told from Twilight's perspective and telling some events leading up to her knocking on Nicks door.

This may be a herd story if people want it (I am planning it to be.) So post who you would like to see added into the herd next next, and that might just happen!

The beginning of this chapter felt rushed, with you throwing information at the reader in rapid succession, and some of the dialogue later on seemed rather awkward.

Other than that, this looks like it might develop into a decent story if given some TLC. I shall be following this to see where it goes.

Some of the paragraphs are a little big. Try to break them up a bit if you can.

3771217

So post who you would like to see added into the herd next next, and that might just happen!

Add Bloomberg to the herd!

Mmm.. I managed to get through the chapter after this thing randomly piqued my intrest, but I'm going to have to decline on the rest of the story. As near as I can tell it isn't going to be my cup of tea: seems like blatant wish-fufilment, honestly, but then again this is only the first chapter. The first half seems to be quite info-dumpy and the wording seems... "Off" to me, especially the dialogue, but this could just be me. My biggest problem, however, is that there doesn't seem to be any sort of "hook" to this story.

I came here expecting your standard Xeno-inspired fic and hoping for something a bit more innovative to hold my interest other than the clop. (Decently written as it may be ;>//>) Unfortunately, if you've got some kind of innovation, I have yet to really see it. The key to a "hook" is you've gotta deploy it early, that way you can catch folk like me who won't stick around past the first chapter or two without something neat to snare our brains with so we'll stick around to see what happens. Didn't happen with this fic, and that kinda makes me a sad pony.

You've got potential, kid. I can see it in the care you've placed into your story, and with more polish you could probably shine quite well among your peers. Well, some polish and a sparkly hook, anyway. () Don't bother trying to rework the whole story just because this one guy has some gripes though, just try and keep the advice in mind for your next one.

And regardless of what others may think, have fun with your work. If it ain't fun anymore then something's wrong.

This makes the same mistake that Xeno did to me- though i like Xeno, I hated that the author gave a self-inserted physical description- just like you're doing. When you do that, I can't relate, especially when your choice of piercings, attire, facial hair, whatever it may be, doesn't match my tastes. it's better to be as vague as possible when there's only one human in Equestria.

This was a shitty self-insert.