Pony Versus Machine

by Smoker

6: I am Pinkis Cupcake. I Will Eat YOU.

5:55 A.M.

56 hours and 5 minutes remain

XXXXXXXX

Tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-BRIIIINNNGGG!

Pinkie smashed her hoof down on the alarm clock as she bounced out of bed, prepped and ready for action. She had a busy day today – she had to throw nine welcome-to-Ponyville parties! That was the most parties she had thrown since last week!

First, though, she had to wake up her house-guest. Pinkie opened her closet, brushing off the confetti which showered upon her from the upper shelves. She looked around the disproportionately vast space, filled to the brim with costumes, hats, socks and scarves. She looked around and around, trying to find the perfect wake-up-silly-it’s-a-brand-new-day outfit.

Finally, she settled on a nice purple fez. Placing it on her poofy hair, she opened her door and tippy-toed down the stairs from her room in sugarcube corner, and over to the guest room.

Without hesitation, she bounced in and began singing. “ This is your singing wake-up call I hope it finds you well! You’re gonna –“ Pinkie paused, then stopped bouncing around, staring in astonishment.

Not only was the Soldier awake, but he was actually doing alternating one-armed push-ups on the floor.

That’s where he did a push-up with one arm, then one with his other arm, then one with the first arm, over and over again, without taking a second’s pause between them. The muscles in his arms bulged and gleamed with sweat as he breathed heavily.

“four-oh-seven, four-oh-eight, four-oh-nine, four-ten, four-eleven…” the Soldier muttered as he continued to push-ups. It was several seconds before he noticed Pinkie Pie out of the corner of his eye. “four-twenty-two, four-twenty-three, hey pink, four-twenty-five…” he said without stopping.

“Um… hi!” Pinkie Pie said, tilting her head at the whole bizarre spectacle. “What are you doing?”

“Four-twenty-eight, havent – you ever – seen a man – do push ups – before – four-thirty-three, four-thirty-four…”

“Um… can you stop?” Pinkie asked. “I sort of wanted to, um…” she trailed off, mesmerized by Soldier’s rhythmic, merciless exercise.

“four-forty-two, four-forty-three, just a – few more, four-forty-six…” The Soldier said before finally slowing his pace. “Four-forty-nine, four-fifty!” He stopped, and flopped down on the floor, breathless. He laid there for only a moment or two before springing right back to his feet. “I normally do a full five hundred push-ups, but it’s never polite to keep another soldier waiting.” He said as he walked over to a nearby rack and pulling off his uniform.

“Five hundred? How long have you been up?” Pinkie Pie asked, astonished. She couldn’t help but stare at Soldier’s nipples, as they were in a completely different place on a human body then on a pony.

“Since five hundred hours this morning!” Soldier said as he finished putting his arms into the sleeves and tucked his uniform into his belt. “The push-ups were just the last part; before that I did five hundred sit-ups, and before that five hundred chin-ups. Your chin-up bar’s broken, by the way.”

“Um… we don’t have a chin-up bar.” Pinkie said. “I don’t even know what a chin-up is!”

“Sure you have one! It’s right there!” Soldier said, gesturing towards a corner of a room.

“…that’s a shelf.” Pinkie said slowly.

“details, details!” Soldier said as he finished buttoning up his uniform. Then he walked over to his backpack in a corner of the room, and pulled out his helmet, jamming it onto his head.

Something else the Soldier had said suddenly registered with Pinkie Pie. “Um… did you say that I was a Soldier?”

“Of course you are!” Soldier said as he pulled out another Soldier helmet. He promptly walked over to Pinkie Pie and was about to put it on her head when he saw her fez. “Oh… my apologies. Didn’t notice you already had a hat.”

“What, this?” Pinkie said; she’d completely forgotten she’d been wearing it. “It’s ok, I can wear another one.” She pulled off the fez and put it on a desk nearby.

“All righty then!” The soldier put the helmet on Pinkie’s head, but it fell right off. “Hrmm.” The soldier said as he placed it again, this time trying to stuff Pinkie’s mane into the helmet. Again, it just popped off.

“Let me.” Pinkie said, picking up the helmet with her mouth, then flipping it into the air. It landed perfectly on her mane and stuck there as if superglued. “Sorry, my mane’s kind of touchy.”

“That’s why I have a crew cut!” Soldier said, lifting his helmet to demonstrate. “Now then! If you are to be a soldier, I must give you the initiation speech!”

“Um… ok.” Pinkie said, sitting down.

The soldier began to pace back and forth in front of pinkie, his posture perfect. “IF fighting is sure to result in victory, then you must fight!” He paused, then looked at Pinkie. “Sun Tzu said that. And I think he knows a little more about fighting then you do, pal, because he invented it!” As he said this, he leaned down and tapped Pinkie’s helmet, looking into her eyes. Then he straightened back up and resumed pacing. “And then he perfected it so that no living man could best him in the ring of honor!”

“Um, who’s Sun Tzu? And what’s a ring of honor?” Pinkie asked, raising her hoof as if in class.

“Sun Tzu is the cousin of George Washing-machine, and the ring of honor is what wrestlers fight in! Not to be confused with the cage match of honor!” Soldier said without missing a beat. He then unclipped two grenades from the belt on his chest. “Then he used his fight money to buy two of every animal on earth!” He held up his grenades to represent the animals. “And then he herded them onto a boat…” Soldier made little running motions with the grenades, then pounded the high explosives together multiple times. “…and then he beat the crrrap out of every single one!” he growled.

“I… I don’t think that’s how the story goes.” Pinkie said slowly.

The Soldier wasn’t listening, however. He was lost in thought, his hand on his chin. He chuckled quietly, apparently remembering some pleasant memories. Then he was right up in Pinkie’s face, and she could smell his breath. Soldier said quickly, “And from that day forward every time a bunch of animals are together in one place, it’s called a TZU!” He said the last word with such force that Pinkie toppled backwards onto the floor, her helmet falling off.

Soldier got on his hands and knees, looking Pinkie in the eye once more. “Unless it’s a farm!” He cried directly into her face.
The two stared at each other for a few moments, on the floor. Then Pinkie snorted. Her face scrunched up, and she burst out laughing. “That’s the funniest story I’ve ever heard!” she said, laughing hysterically while rolling around on the floor.

“What?! There is nothing funny about history!” Soldier cried indignantly. “Sun Tzu and his army of mongols puked out their intestines in order to give us the liberty to eat hamburgers and watch baseball! He must be revered as a god!”

If anything, this only made Pinkie squeal harder. “It’s called a zoo! Hee hee ha ha!” She giggled.

“Bah! Come along, maggot! We shall discuss history during breakfast!” Soldier barked, hoisting the still-howling Pinkie over his shoulder and walking towards the stairs.

XXXXXXXX

A half hour later, Pinkie had finally calmed down, and the two were sitting at a table in sugarcube corner, eating breakfast.
While Pinkie was inhaling a pile of sugary sweets, the soldier was munching on a veggie burger. He’d wanted some beef stew or chili, maybe a chicken fajita or some other military food, but when he saw the ponies only ate either sweets or vegetables, he relented and got the closest thing he could find.

“Hey Soldier.” Pinkie said, munching on a donut. “Can I ask you something?”

“ma’am yes ma’am.” Soldier said casually, taking another bite of his burger.

“Why did you make me a soldier? I mean, Applejack’s stronger, and Twilight has destructive magic bursts.” She plucked out a piece of cake and ate it in two bites.

“Ehhh… I’m not really sure, actually.” Soldier said; Pinkie could almost hear the two gears in his head turning. “Maybe it’s because you invited me into your house, or maybe it’s because you remind me of me. I don’t know.”

“How do I remind you of yourself?” Pinkie questioned.

“We’re both nuttier then froot loops, for starters.” Soldier said. “I mean, who else would wake up this early in the morning to exercise or sing songs?

“Also, I’ve seen you with your friends. You’re easily the most energetic of them, and you’re gonna need energy for this job.”

“Why’s that?” Pinkie asked.

In answer, Soldier slung off his backpack and started to rummage around in it. “Ever seen one of these, soldier?” he asked as he pulled out his rocket launcher.

“Only the other day when you were using it.” Pinkie replied.

“Well, as a soldier, this is what you’ll be relying on for defense and offense most of the time.” the Soldier continued as he hefted the rocket launcher. “C’mere a sec.”

Having already finished, Pinkie rounded to the soldier’s side of the table. Soldier gently set the launcher on her back, and she immediately was forced to the ground. “R-really heavy!” Pinkie grunted as she tried to stand back up.

The soldier nodded. “Yeah, it’s heavier than it looks. But I’ve seen you with your friends. You have the strength for it.”

Pinkie slowly braced herself, then pushed herself off the ground. While it was still heavy, now that she was expecting it, it wasn’t as hard. The rocket launcher still balanced on her back, she slowly began to walk forwards. “Jeez… and you carry this all the time?”

“You get the hang of it after a bit.” The Soldier said, also finishing his breakfast. “Only question is, how are you going to fire it? You don’t have trigger fingers…”

Suddenly, Pinkie’s mane came to life – it wrapped around the trigger and barrel of the launcher, not only locking it in place, but also enabling it to fire.

“I have an opposable mane.” Pinkie said to the jaw-dropped Soldier. “I think that’ll help.”

“Wha – how did you do that?” Soldier asked, astonished.

“I told it to in my mind, silly! I mean, how do you get your legs to move?” She started heading to the door; with the launcher weighing her down, she could only trot rather then bounce, but it was better then nothing. “C’mon! I wanna try and fire this thing!”

Soldier stared after her for a second. “Apparently, there’s more to you ponies then meets the eye.” He said, following her out the door and down the steps of sugarcube corner.

“Ooh, nice Transformers reference!” She said, coming to a stop. “Ok, so how do I fire this thing? Huh huh huh?”

“What are – oh never mind.” The Soldier said. “Now keep in mind that the rocket launcher is very destructive, so you should never ever-“

“Bo-ring! Ooh, what’s this button do?” Pinkie said impatiently as she pulled the trigger of the rocket launcher with her hair. With a loud noise, the rocket launcher fired, sending a rocket barreling down the street.

“Dammit!” The Soldier cried, yanking the launcher away from Pinkie Pie. “Never, ever, EVER fire the rocket launcher at anything BUT the enemy! You’re very lucky no civilians were around, or you could have hurt someone!”

Pinkie started to sniffle. “I’m sorry.” She said, her eyes watering.

“What’s this?” Soldier said, running a finger along Pinkie’s cheek. “A tear?! Soldiers do not cry!” He pried up one of his eyelids. “Our tear ducts are shriveled up from disuse!”

At this, Pinkie only cried harder. The Soldier sighed, and knelt down. “Look, I’m sorry for snapping like that,” he said, “but the rocket launcher’s not a toy-“

“Ooh, look at the birdie!” Pinkie cried, spotting a small bird a few blocks away, and rushing off to it. Soldier again stared after the bipolar pony, wondering if maybe he should have recruited the purple one after all.

XXXXXXXX

After a couple hours, three dozen misfired rockets, two injured ponies, three accounts of property damage, and a sugar break, Pinkie had finally gotten the hang of firing the rocket launcher.

“All right, Private, I think it’s about time I teach you your next skill: the rocket jump!” The Soldier said, smiling at his apprentice.
“What’s that?” Pinkie asked.

“Watch.” Soldier pulled out an orange-and-white rocket launcher, and pointed it to the ground. Then, almost faster then Pinkie’s eyes could follow, he jumped up, tucked his legs under him, and fired the launcher.

BAM! The Soldier went flying twenty feet into the air, making a strange whistling noise as he flew, before somehow turning 180 degrees in midair and landing back next to Pinkie.

“Doesn’t that hurt?” Pinkie asked, astonished.

“What, the fall? Nah, just stings a little bit. Maybe a couple broken bones, but nothing to-“

“No, no, I mean shooting yourself with a rocket.” Pinkie clarified.

“Oh! Well, yeah, that would hurt, but this is the rocket jumper.” Soldier patted his colorful rocket launcher. “It fires specially modified projectiles, which are totally harmless. That makes it useless in combat, though.

“Now, I understand if you don’t want to try to rocket jump.” Soldier continued. “It looks downright suicidal, and even attempting it requires you to be kind of crazy.”

“Yeah yeah, gimme it!” Pinkie said impatiently, hopping up and down.

“Now, the timing on a rocket jump is quite precise, but with practice it’s easy. First you need to-“ The soldier began, but stopped when he saw Pinkie execute a perfect rocket jump on her first try. She somehow did a 720 degree spin, and landed back next to Soldier.

“How was that?” Pinkie asked, smiling widely.

The soldier opened his mouth… and then gave a long, wheezing laugh. “You really are a natural born soldier, you little pink menace!” he cried, scooping up the pink party pony and giving her a noogie.

“D’aww, thanks Solly! Now c’mon, next we gotta try chain rocket jumps!” Pinkie cheered, leading the soldier off to a more deserted area to practice.

Author's Note:

Not sure whether this chapter's either good or bad. Eh whatever.

Comments

[SuperPinkBrony12]

That chapter title. I have seen it before.

[Smoker]

3966337 yeah, you caugh my source of inspiration.

Thx for the read btw.

[Hoxtilicious]

This is much more interesting than I originally thought. Can't wait for the next chapter!

[Smoker]

4007285 how did you comment on ch 7 when there are only 6 chapters?

[ShadowLDrago]

“Sun Tzu is the cousin of George Washing-machine, and the ring of honor is what wrestlers fight in! Not to be confused with the cage match of honor!” Soldier said without missing a beat. He then unclipped two grenades from the belt on his chest. “Then he used his fight money to buy two of every animal on earth!” He held up his grenades to represent the animals. “And then he herded them onto a boat…” Soldier made little running motions with the grenades, then pounded the high explosives together multiple times. “…and then he beat the crrrap out of every single one!” he growled.
“I… I don’t think that’s how the story goes.” Pinkie said slowly.

Considering how insane the world of TF2 is, and considering Abraham Lincoln invented stairs, he might be right.

The Soldier wasn’t listening, however. He was lost in thought, his hand on his chin. He chuckled quietly, apparently remembering some pleasant memories. Then he was right up in Pinkie’s face, and she could smell his breath. Soldier said quickly, “And from that day forward every time a bunch of animals are together in one place, it’s called a TZU!” He said the last word with such force that Pinkie toppled backwards onto the floor, her helmet falling off.

I always love that line.

“We’re both nuttier then froot loops, for starters.” Soldier said. “I mean, who else would wake up this early in the morning to exercise or sing songs?

He's aware that he's nuts. Wow, I wow.

“Wha – how did you do that?” Soldier asked, astonished.

She's Pinkie Pie. She doesn't have to explain crap to you.

“All right, Private, I think it’s about time I teach you your next skill: the rocket jump!” The Soldier said, smiling at his apprentice.
“What’s that?” Pinkie asked.

It's shooting rockets at your feet to jump. Ie, it'd never work normally. However, if done right, and combined with the Market Gardener, it's one of the Soldier's deadliest tricks.

“Watch.” Soldier pulled out an orange-and-white rocket launcher, and pointed it to the ground. Then, almost faster then Pinkie’s eyes could follow, he jumped up, tucked his legs under him, and fired the launcher.

Ah yes, the Rocket Jumper. A theory I've heard for why it and the Sticky Jumper don't hurt you is because instead of explosives, they fire compressed air bombs/rockets.

“Oh! Well, yeah, that would hurt, but this is the rocket jumper.” Soldier patted his colorful rocket launcher. “It fires specially modified projectiles, which are totally harmless. That makes it useless in combat, though.

Alone. Again, with the Market Gardener, timing and practice, it can become deadly.