Pony Versus Machine

by Smoker

1: The Mechanical Menace

“We need streamers! Who’s in charge of streamers?!” Pinkie Pie cried worriedly as she ran around the room.

“You are, Pinkie.” someone said as they walked by her.

“Oh yeah! Hee hee hee!” Pinkie said, pulling streamers out of nowhere and beginning to hang them on a ladder also pulled from nowhere. “And where’s the cake? Please tell me someone made the cake!”

“That’s also you, Pinkie.” said a stallion as he trotted past her.

“Right, my bad!” Pinkie said. She raced over to the kitchen and wheeled out a massive purple cake. “Fluttershy, how are the birds coming along?”

“They’re ready to go when you are, Pinkie!” Fluttershy said, hovering near a perch of songbirds. Her beloved Angel Bunny was with her also, perched on top of her head like the world’s grumpiest hat.

“Rarity, hurry up with the ribbons!” Pinkie called as she raced past the unicorn.

“Don’t rush me, darling.” Rarity said as she slowly continued to straighten a ribbon which she was hanging from the wall. “These must all be positioned perfectly if there is to be any hope of this party’s success!”

“Rarity, you’re on your third ribbon out of a hundred, and we’ve been working on this for over an hour. Pick up the pace a little!” Rainbow said as she dashed past her, forelegs full of boxes. She pulled out some goodie bags and began to line the consessions table with them.

“AGH! Where’s the seventh box?! There needs to be a seventh box of goodie bags, or someone won’t get one!” Pinkie panicked as she scampered past Rainbow Dash.

“Jeez, Pinkie, lighten up. It’s just one party.” Dash said as she continued to place the bags.

Pinkie froze, then scurried backwards to Rainbow Dash. “Just a party?! JUST a PARTY?!?!” She yelled, her face inches away from the rainbow-maned Pegasus. “Dashie, this is Twilight’s ‘we-missed-you-while-you-were-in-away-in-Canterlot-for-six-months-on-royal-business’ party! It’s the first Pinkie Pie Party® she’s had since her coronation!” Then Pinkie cried out. “OMIGOSH! I forgot the party cannon!” She ran upstairs, leaving behind nothing but a lingering cotton candy smell.

“Ah swear,” Applejack said as she walked up next to Dash and began to set purple plates of purple cupcakes on the table. “Pinkie’s so gosh-darn worked up about this party, you’d think she was gonna propose to Twi’ or somethin’.”

“I know, right!” Dash replied, emptying the first box and moving on to the second. “I mean, it’s already going to be the best party she’s ever had. Heck, she even - … um, AJ? You ok?”

Applejack had stopped mid-sentence, her ear twitching.

“AJ? You ok?” Dash said, waving a hoof in front of the earth pony’s eyes.

“Applebloom’s calling me.” Applejack said seriously, rushing towards the door.

“What? What do you mean?” Dash asked, zipping after her.

“I’ve lived with Applebloom for nine years, Dash. I can hear her from a mile away. And right now, I can hear her calling for help.” Applejack said simply.

“Ok, well where is she?” Dash questioned.

“Here.” Applejack said, running out the door and pointing to her left. Not fifty feet away, the CMC fillies were running as fast as their little legs could carry them.

“Applejack! Help! Help!” Applebloom cried as she and her friends ran up to Applejack before flopping down, exhausted.

“Steady, girl! Where’s the fire?” Applejack questioned.

“…whale…” wheezed Sweetie Belle.

“…aliens…” gasped Applebloom.

“…Celestia…” choked Scootaloo.

“What are you…” Applejack paused, feeling something vibrating. She lifted her head up, and peered into the wind. Her hair blew back behind her, and she put a hoof on her hat.

The rumbling slowly grew in pitch as a titanic blue shape appeared over the treetops. Its enormous treads shook the ground, causing the rumbling. It came to a stop just at the edge of the town, crushing several of the outermost houses like toys.

As Applejack watched, the entire front of the huge thing began to open. The huge door on the front made a low “ding” noise as it unhitched and slowly lowered, the hydraulics whispering as the door lowered to the ground.

Inside the opened chamber, Applejack could see dozens of dark figures. She squinted, but couldn’t see them very well. One thing was for sure, though: they weren’t ponies.

One by one, the figures began to start up. A low, mechanical rumble started as they began to move.

Robots.

The first one out wore a helmet bearing three stars that covered half of its head, and carried a large weapon of some sort. Slowly, the rest of the metallic mob began to follow it. A chorus of clanking came from their feet as they stomped out in an organized fashion.

For a few seconds, it was like some bizarre staring contest, as ponies and robots stared at each other, not knowing what the other would do.

The first robot raised its free arm high above its head, then it snapped it forwards, pointing towards the town. It cried three words in an electronic voice:

“CRUSH! KILL! BLEEP!”

With that, the horde came alive: bullets began to fly everywhere. Some of the fat robots spewed fire, while some of the large ones sprayed dozens of bullets. The helmeted robot and his comrades began to fire missiles at the nearby buildings, rapidly destroying them.

The smaller, faster ones were already approaching Applejack and Rainbow Dash; they were firing their guns wildly, which spewed out dozens of bullets per shot.

“Girls, get inside! Now!” Applejack yelled, and the CMC promptly hid inside sugarcube corner.

“I don’t know what you guys are, but you’re destroying Ponyville, and that’s NOT cool!” Rainbow Dash yelled, zooming towards the nearest robot. The bot whirled around and fired a blast at her. One missed shot was all it got; Dash literally blasted right through the robot, leaving just parts behind. Laughing, she raced for the next one.

“Applejack! We heard noise, what’s going-“ Pinkie said as she and the other elements rushed outside. Then they saw the robots, and no further explanation was necessary. “Good thing I brought my party cannon!” Pinkie said, pulling out the cheerfully colored cannon and blasting the robots with it. While tablecloths wouldn’t normally hurt the robots, tablecloths blasted from a cannon and traveling 60 mph probably would.

“Ugh! They’re making such a mess! I simply cannot stand for this!” Rarity said, as she brought out some of the ribbons she had been using just moments ago. With a designer’s precision, she began to wrap up and immobilize the robots.
Applejack sprang into action. She saw her marketplace stall nearby; she raced over and tipped over one of the buckets of apples. Without hesitation, she began to buck the apples using her hind legs. The nutricious projectiles traveled almost as fast as the robots’ bullets, and often had enough force to tear robotic limbs off.

As for Fluttershy, well, she didn’t earn her PhD in “hiding and whimpering” for nothing. Angel bunny, however, was not so cowardly. He leapt off of Fluttershy’s pink mane and gave a high-pitched whistle. Within seconds, hundreds of animals had joined him; raccoons, squirrels, weasels, cats, even a couple bears. Angel made a squeak which sounded more like a battle cry, and the small army rushed forwards. The bears plowed through the robots like tanks, bullets bouncing off their thick hides. The smaller animals banded together, and crawled up a robot’s body, gnawing its wires and gears. Working together, they were able to cut the power and shut down the robot in seconds, then move on to the next bot.

All together, the elements of harmony were an impressive fighting force. However, it looked like they wouldn’t be enough. A second wave of robots poured out of the machine, coming out shooting. At this point, though, all of Ponyville knew what was happening, and many residents were taking arms. Most just fought with their hooves or magic, but a few had their own unique styles of fighting.

Vinyl Scratch was throwing her record discs at the robots from a second story window. She somehow threw them so that they sliced through the robots’ metal hides like a buzzsaw through butter.

“Wow, Vinyl! How are you doing that?” Octavia asked, as she fenced a robot, bat vs bow.

“Years of DJ practice. All in the wrist, Octy girl!” Vinyl said, hurling another record. Then she paused, and stared at her hoof. “…or is it my ankle? My toe? I have no idea.”

Across the street, Bon-Bon was pelting the robots with candy. While this didn’t do much damage, it did blind the robots with chocolate spatters, distracting them long enough for someone else to take them down. “Dammit, Lyra, help me with these things!” She yelled, dodging a particularly large bot as it lunged at her.

“Sure, sure, in a minute…” Lyra said, as she sat on the couch, fascinated with a metal hand she had pulled off of one of the robots. “Apparently, these things only have two fingers and a thumb… fascinating…” she whispered to herself.

Up on the rooftops, Doctor whooves was fighting Robots who had climbed up to the roofs. “For pears’ sake, the Golblurnians weren’t supposed to invade until next Tuesday!” He cried, blasting another bot with his sonic screwdriver. “Derpy, keep on NOT fighting the robots!”

“Yes sir!” Derpy said, saluting. As she moved her foreleg, she knocked some conveniently placed bricks off of the roof and onto a couple of robots below. “Oops… my bad…” she said, quickly backing up and bumping a conveniently loose chimney, which toppled over onto one of the larger bots. “Sorry, mister!” Derpy cried, as she leaned over to look at the robot, inadvertently swishing her tail and knocking a convenient flowerpot onto yet another robot. Et cetera, et cetera.

Even Big Mac was pitching in; whenever a robot started to come near his orange sister, he charged at it and crushed it. “Nope.” He continually said as he crushed the robots’ metal skulls with his mighty hooves.

And so, most of ponyville, including almost every background pony the author can think of off the top of his head, continued to valiantly fight on.

And on.

And on.

XXXXXXXX

“You have to be kidding me! How many of these things are there?!” Applejack hollered as a seventh wave of robots clanked out of the machine.

By this point, the Ponyville populace were seriously getting tired. Ponies lay on the streets or cowered in their homes, too worn out, injured or scared to fight anymore. Vinyl’s records and Bon-Bon’s candy reserves were bone dry, and even Pinkie Pie had run out of party cannon supplies, and was resorting to shoving rocks into her cannon to fire. “Rocks. Why’d it have to be rocks.” She grumbled as she tossed in another load.

Rarity had run out of ribbons, and was trying to reuse the old ones, but most of the time, when she tried to pick off a spare ribbon off of a restrained robot, the bot would break free and she’d be forced to tie it up again.

Angel Bunny only had a lone bear left as his compatriot. The little bunny was riding on top of the bear’s head and was using his ears as reigns. However, even the last bear was starting to get tired now, and Angel had to yank harder and harder on its ears to convince it to attack.

Heck, even Derpy was running out of convenient things to knock off of roofs; Whooves had moved her to most of the roofs nearby where the robots were attacking, and she’d exhausted all possible things to knock off on each one of them.

All in all, things were not looking good for the small town, and Applejack could only think one thought as she tackled yet another robot:

“When in Tartarus is that gosh-danged overpowered Twilight gonna get here!?”

Comments

[Wilfred Warfstache]

I HATE ROBOTS!!!!!!