• Member Since 17th Nov, 2012
  • offline last seen Apr 15th, 2019

Smoker


"But I don't want to go among mad people," Alice remarked. "Oh, you can't help that," said the Cheshire Cat: "We're all mad here."

T
Source

It's a peaceful day in Ponyville, until the machines arrive. Now it's a race against time for the ponies to learn how to use alien weapons, in order to fight the robot menace.

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I'd sort of like an editor for this, because it could use some work, but I do have the basic framework of the story up and running at this point. Also, I'd kind of like a better title pic.

Chapters (11)
Comments ( 39 )

That chapter title. I have seen it before.

3966337 yeah, you caugh my source of inspiration.

Thx for the read btw.

This is much more interesting than I originally thought. Can't wait for the next chapter!

4007285 how did you comment on ch 7 when there are only 6 chapters?

I luv your story bro. Keep up the great work!:scootangel:

“I’m not a chicken, you’re a turkey!”

Greatest. Line. EVER!:pinkiehappy:

LOL, now for Heavy and Flutters. Wonder how long it'll take her to be able to hold a spare version of Sasha. Or maybe give her the Tomislav.

Da. Is good chapter. Make more.

She might freak out if she know baloney is meat,great chapter,and love the feeling of her loving the shooting on the wooden mini gun

Da. Heavy likes new chapter. Poot next chapter here!

4459535 then you should check out chapter eight. Lots of cmc there! (Although maybe not as good)

Welp this bad guy could be Grey Mann or one of the other mlp villains.
Maybe it's the HHH or Saxton Hale.

oh god im imagining applejack or Big mac as spy now because it seems so damn out of far left corner you might actually do it

4486447 to ease your mind, i'll give you a hint: look at the character tags.

4487665

The man actually got it! congratulations! huzzah!

Scout X Rainbow, I ship it (along with the canon ship of Scout X Paulin), do you?

5150304 no i dont , honestly rainbow is something like the people who would say they would fight in a war then when the chance arises they cower in the corner. rainbow dash would like scout because of his speed and stuff along those lines but nothing else

“Oh! Where are my manners…” the lab-coated human said. “I am formally addressed as ‘the medic’, but you can just call me Medic.” He bent down, lightly took her forehoof, and kissed it politely.

Oddly polite for our sadistic Medic.

“Oh, dat’s it!” Scout growled. “Apple-whateva, go with Med and Hev. Twi’s with Demo. I’m gonna show this prismatic pony who’s the real pavement pounda around heah!”

Oh I'm sorry, can you run faster than the speed of sound? Didn't think so.

“Oh, please. At the rate your sex life is going, you should be glad to have an animal to-“ Spy said, but was again cut off by a scattergun to his chin.
“Finish that sentence, frenchy, and the only thing o’ ya left intact will be ya cigarette!” Scout growled.

I'd listen to him if I were you, short of a Dead Ringer, and even then maybe not, a point blank Scattergun shot will do more than enough damage to carry out that threat.

“…I take it he isn’t the shiniest apple in the barrel.” Applejack said after a moment.

Nope. But even a single rocket from a Liberty Launcher, his weakest rocket launcher can do some pretty decent damage.

“Sauschwanz!” the Medic cursed. “Engineer’s sentry and Heavy’s minigun are the only weapons around which can stop that thing, but the sentry can’t spare any firepower for us, and heavy can’t rev up his minigun with this thing chasing us!”

Use your Needle Gun or Crusader's Crossbow! That can slow him down, or do some damage at least.

“...Whaddya know, the drunk actually had a good idea.” Scout said, eyebrows raised.
“Ya don’ need ta sound so bloody surprised about it…” Demoman grumbled, taking another swig from his bottle.

He's right, Demo's drunk, not dumb.

“This is all very nice,” Soldier said, “But I think the portal won’t stay open much longer.” He pointed down into the quarry, where the blue vehicle was almost all the way into the portal.

The Solider just played voice of reason. The SOLDIER, the most deluded of the group apart from possibly Pyro, had a good idea. Man, this is the end of the world.

“Kansas is not a real country!” Soldier called from the back.

It's a state in America. You know, that place you're from?

“I say we let ‘em come back inta town.” Engineer suggested. “I could build a hell of a lotta sentries in 72 hours.”

He's got a point, he's not restricted by Mann vs Machine rules here.

“Ignorant maggot!” Soldier roared. “The third amendment says that in times of war, civilians MUST house soldiers!”
“That is, with proper legal procedures.” Engineer added.

Still. I do like it when Soldier's more than just insane.

“Way to go, Rainbow. You made Scout cry.” Twilight said irritatedly. For some reason, this made Spy snicker.

This is amazinf.

“I’ll take Medic.” Twilight said. “He seems intelligent, not to mention I want to ask him more questions about the human world.”
Then Twilight felt something hugging her. She looked around to see the Pyro, hugging her from behind. “…I guess I’ll be taking Pyro, too.” She said, shrugging.

You're aware one's a sadistic Doktor who loves experimenting on people and the other's a pyromaniac, right? Hope ya fireproofed your place.

“Oh my gosh… oh my friggin…” Dash whimpered before suddenly tackling Scout. She started beating his chest with her hooves. “How could you?! You’re a murderer! YOU’RE A FREAKING MURDERER!”

Mercenary technically, he just does a lot of killing, part of the job.

“Apologize!” Twilight cried, waving her hooves in the air. “Say you’re sorry for killing a wild animal right in front of her!”
“Aw, but that means I have to take responsibility for my actions!” Scout whined.

... Are you serious?

“C’mon… we may as well talk in here.” Rainbow muttered as she trotted to her front door. Scout followed tentatively, rather nervous to be walking on condensed air.

How is he doing this without a cloudwalking spell?

“Sun Tzu is the cousin of George Washing-machine, and the ring of honor is what wrestlers fight in! Not to be confused with the cage match of honor!” Soldier said without missing a beat. He then unclipped two grenades from the belt on his chest. “Then he used his fight money to buy two of every animal on earth!” He held up his grenades to represent the animals. “And then he herded them onto a boat…” Soldier made little running motions with the grenades, then pounded the high explosives together multiple times. “…and then he beat the crrrap out of every single one!” he growled.
“I… I don’t think that’s how the story goes.” Pinkie said slowly.

Considering how insane the world of TF2 is, and considering Abraham Lincoln invented stairs, he might be right.

The Soldier wasn’t listening, however. He was lost in thought, his hand on his chin. He chuckled quietly, apparently remembering some pleasant memories. Then he was right up in Pinkie’s face, and she could smell his breath. Soldier said quickly, “And from that day forward every time a bunch of animals are together in one place, it’s called a TZU!” He said the last word with such force that Pinkie toppled backwards onto the floor, her helmet falling off.

I always love that line.

“We’re both nuttier then froot loops, for starters.” Soldier said. “I mean, who else would wake up this early in the morning to exercise or sing songs?

He's aware that he's nuts. Wow, I wow.

“Wha – how did you do that?” Soldier asked, astonished.

She's Pinkie Pie. She doesn't have to explain crap to you.

“All right, Private, I think it’s about time I teach you your next skill: the rocket jump!” The Soldier said, smiling at his apprentice.
“What’s that?” Pinkie asked.

It's shooting rockets at your feet to jump. Ie, it'd never work normally. However, if done right, and combined with the Market Gardener, it's one of the Soldier's deadliest tricks.

“Watch.” Soldier pulled out an orange-and-white rocket launcher, and pointed it to the ground. Then, almost faster then Pinkie’s eyes could follow, he jumped up, tucked his legs under him, and fired the launcher.

Ah yes, the Rocket Jumper. A theory I've heard for why it and the Sticky Jumper don't hurt you is because instead of explosives, they fire compressed air bombs/rockets.

“Oh! Well, yeah, that would hurt, but this is the rocket jumper.” Soldier patted his colorful rocket launcher. “It fires specially modified projectiles, which are totally harmless. That makes it useless in combat, though.

Alone. Again, with the Market Gardener, timing and practice, it can become deadly.

It took Spike a few seconds to guess what this meant. “So you… burned your face?” Spike asked.
The Pyro nodded vigorously.

Yikes.

Spike finally understood. “You won’t take off your mask, because the fire burned your face so bad that you became hideously disfigured?” That was a bit specific, but Spike’s gut told him he was right.
“Raaa-huh!” The Pyro said in an approving tone, putting the book back on the shelf and giving Spike two thumbs up.

Yikes.

Spike watched with astonishment as the Pyro raised the device and pulled the trigger, shooting an arc of flames into the air above him. “Dude, sweet!” Spike said, grinning widely.

Uhm, is using a FLAMEthrower inside a TREE such a god idea?

“Yeah, dragons are fireproof, too. Didn’t I mention that?” Spike added.

And lavaproof, he's pretty much indestructible.

“So it hurts people more when it hits them from the back?” Spike guessed.

Yep. Turns the Pyro into the Spyro. Ehehe, I'm not funny.

“You’re right. It probably wouldn’t be wise to use flame weapons indoors, especially in a wooden house filled with books.” Spike mentioned.

Correct.

No sooner had she laid her small hoof on the bottle, then a second brown hand clamped on top of hers.
“Don’t touch tha’!” A voice roared. All three girls screamed, and scurried to the other side of the room.

Never touch Demo's Scrumpy.

“What happened to your eye?” Sweetie blurted out. The other two smacked her upside the head, but Demoman only chuckled.

A wizard.

“OCH! Get yer rumps away from me, lasses! Iss too early fer horseplay!” Demoman cried, shielding his eye. Then he chuckled. “Heh. Horses. Heh.”

HEH!

“Well, they call me it because I demolition things, lassie!” Demoman said.
“’Demolition’ isn’t a verb…” Sweetie belle said.

He's a bomb carrying shield bashing sword wielding black Scottish cylcops. Your argument is invalid.

“Are you a good Demoman?” Sweetie Belle piped; she’d finally let go of Demoman and was sitting next to the others.

He deals with explosives on a daily basis. If he was a bad one, he wouldn't be sittin' here discussing it with you, now would he?

“CUTIE MARK CRUSADER DEMOMEN! YAY!” The three yelled, as Demoman winced and took another swig from his bottle.

Oh god.

He smiled at Sweetie Belle. “You, m’dear, will have the most important role of all.” He pulled out a pirate hat, some fancy shades, and a frying pan. He set the shades on Sweetie’s eyes, and put the hat on her head. “I dub thee…” He handed the pan to her. “Demopan!”
“Aw, they get explosives and I get a frying pan?!” Sweetie whined.
“Oi! Don’ underestimate the power o’ the pan, lass! It’s a powerful tool o’ destruction!” Demoman reprimanded her.

He's right, loud sound, decent damage and a high crit rate, it's kind of a lethal joke weapon.

“Now. If yer gonna be a Demopan, ye gotta know the Demopan battlecry. Repeat after me.” The Demoman cleared his throat, then shouted in a jerky, somewhat stuttering voice:
“Stat Sha-KO! Fer two r’fined!”

Of course.

Heavy blinked.
Then he winced.
Then he covered his eyes.
He uncovered one eye, and rapidly covered it again.
“Mother of…” Heavy mumbled, as he watched Fluttershy snap the bear’s neck.

Exactly.

Heavy didn’t look at her. “Heavy’s family… no make it out of gulag fire.” He mumbled.

The comics contradict that.

“Sandwich?” Fluttershy asked.
“No! SandVich!” Heavy stated, pulling out his sandvich. He set Fluttershy down, then tore his sandvich in two, and handed one half to Fluttershy.

So good it heals you.

Heavy paused as he looked at the pig, then at the baloney, then at Fluttershy’s smiling face. “Erm… Baloney eez…” Heavy stuttered. “Eez… cheese!”
“Huh. It doesn’t taste like cheese.” Fluttershy stated, frowning a bit.
“Eez… eez special cheese, with unique flavor! Yes, that is it!” Heavy said hurriedly.

Too close. Also, ponies are herbivores. As in they don't eat meat.

“But you may have Sasha’s sister!” Heavy continued, and Fluttershy looked up as Heavy pulled an even bigger gun out of his backpack. “This is Natasha.” Heavy said. “Sasha’s sister. Does less damage and spins slower, but fires cripple bullets which slow target.”

Deadly in the right hands.

“One: Heavy had deep emotional attatchment to Sasha.” Heavy said. “Two: Heavy is heavy weapons guy, not medium weapons guy. Now go, pick up.”

Fair enough.

Heavy chuckled darkly. “Now,” he said, “We start the really fun stuff.”

Oh dear.

“Oh yeah, like you’ve got it a lot easier.” Rarity said, gesturing to Engineer’s contraptions. “you have to position your machines in all the right places, not to mention worry about all of those electronic whatevers!”

She's right, and he has to avoid enemy fire.

“Well… at least the Spy is mobile! You’re weak as a toothless rabbit without your sentry gun!” Rarity said, desperate to prove her point.

Not exaclty. Wreches do decent damage and there's always the Widowmaker or his other shotguns.

“I insist that you allow me to fix it!” Rarity said, and before the Engineer could stop her, she levitated the glove off of his hand.

Uh, you may not want to...

Where the Engineer’s hand was supposed to be, was instead a robotic hand.

The Gunslinger. Bane of all Badlanders.

“What, those? Oh no, I’ve got plenty of gems, entire cases full. I go out hunting every week with my little Spikey-wikey.” Rarity said, smiling in relief. The Engineer looked at her, shocked. “What?” Rarity asked. “Are these gems more rare on your world?”

Quite a bit more.

6890425 this was written before the third comic was made, and I never got around to editing it. May have to do that, now that I know people are still reading this story.

6893743

If you want. I'm just eager to see what happens. Wonder if Celestia or Luna would survive an Ubercharge?

6893743
Your damn right people are reading this.Why wouldn't they, this is an awesome story. But in all honesty now that I read the last chapter I'm sad.:raritydespair:

Demo: Leeeets do it!

Sniper: Lets go mates!!!

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