Stolen power
"Stolen Power"
Daring Do entered the maze of the Ivory Temple of the White Tiger. She had been searching for the infamous Winter Pearl. A delicate, white orb, rumored to bring about an eternal winter throughout the world, if its power be put into use. As frightening as that was, Daring Do had no reason to worry as she would recover the powerful artifact and put it in the Canterlot Museum to be admired by thousands. The Winter Pearl would also be under the watchful eyes of the Canterlot guards and the princesses themselves.
Daring Do wiped the sweat off of her brow. The humidity of the rainforest was beginning to wear her down. She had been traveling in the dense jungle for over twenty days. She had dealt with itchy mosquito bites, sticky quicksand and the occasional venomous flying snakes but she pushed through while following a worn-down map, made hundreds of years ago. She managed to stumble upon the map on an expedition to the sister temple, The Ebony Temple of the Black Jaguar. There was no treasure, instead, she found the map in a hidden chamber. Now, she stood at the entrance of the maze to the Ivory Temple. It was dark. The only source of light was the moon. In the tall trees, she heard the soft sounds of the nocturnal insects. Her ears went up when she heard a slight “snap”. She turned her head and peered into the trees. She scanned the tree line and saw a pair of yellow eyes. She instinctively went to her whip until she saw the pair of eyes fly up and perch onto a branch. She sighed when she saw it was just a native bird. She relaxed when she took the map out from under her pith helmet. The map showed her the path to the Ivory Temple but it didn’t hold a hint on how to navigate the inside of it.
In order to protect the treasure, the inhabitants of the temple created the maze to confuse robbers from stealing the powerful artifact. She placed the map back underneath her helmet, having fulfilled its purpose. She picked up a sharp stone from the ground and scraped it across the stone wall of the temple’s maze. Sparks of cinders flashed in front of her, making her smirk in satisfaction. She grabbed a convenient torch from off the wall. She took out a small rag from her saddle bag and a bottle of alcohol. She always carried a bottle for long adventures, just in case she needs a break. Unfortunately, she took a lot of breaks as the bottle was nearly empty. She used the last of it to dampen the rag before tying it to the torch. With the rock, she created a spark from off the wall and immediately lite it on fire. With the new source of light, she concluded she would have a few hours to make it in and out of the maze.
She titled her helmet down and began to determinedly traverse through the maze. Throughout the years of adventuring, she knew that there was always a secret to get through traps or mazes safely. All she had to look for was the hidden signs. Signs helped the inhabitants get through the maze safely while keeping thieves out. Luckily, Daring Do was not a thief. Her eyes narrowed on the walls, checking for any type of markings etched on the walls, floor of ceiling. She bit the inside of her cheek, knowing that each minute she waste staring at the walls, the torch will burn up and she’ll be trapped in the dark. She decided to take another look at the map. Her eyes scanned across the itchy page, trying to find a clue. Her eyes stopped at the middle of the map, which showed a crude drawing of the Winter Pearl. Above it, there was an upside-down triangle containing two lines, titled downward like a pair of claws swiped down on it. Her head shot up as she lifted the torch. She looked again at the walls and there, etched into a stone, were the two slash marks. She wasted no time as she galloped through the maze. She took a left, a right, another right and a left turn again, following the markings. She was constantly glancing at her torch, calculating the time in her head. The flame was growing weaker, which meant she only had less than an hour. She raced down the hall, taking another right turn before finally entering the chamber of the infamous Winter Pearl.
It was a large tower corridor. In front of her was a single aisle of stone, leading up to the pearl. The aisle was twenty-five feet in Below it was a dark abyss. One slip and a pony could fall to their deaths. Luckily, she had wings. When she looked up, she could see the tip of the pyramid as the moonlight perfectly landed on top of an ivory pedestal in the middle of the room. The Winter Pearl was embedded inside the chest of obsidian tiger, surrounded by tall white pillars. She noticed how the pillars acted like anchors, holding the tip of the pyramid up. She knew there must be a trap in place, as the pillars could crack and jeopardize the integrity of the structure. She slowly walked towards the pearl, tip toeing her way over to it. She didn’t want to accidently trigger another trap. She was only a hoof-length away from statue. She licked her lips in anticipation as she reached out. She froze when she heard a familiar hiss of a certain pet cat. She whirled around and found herself face to face with the animal kingdom’s monster ferocious wild cats…plus a pet cat.
“Daring Do, what a surprise…” a sultry voice said with a chuckle. Daring could practically see the sarcasm dripping out of Ahuizotl’s mouth when he spoke.
She blew a strand of her mane out of her eyes. “Ahuizotl.” She began with a smirk. “How nice to see you again, how long had it been? A month, a couple of months? I’ve been gone far too long without seeing your striking face.”
“Sixty-three days.” He said with a growl before shrugging his shoulders. “But who is counting?”
“Do you really think you have a chance to beat me, Ahuizotl? After all these years of trying and failing…when have you ever won?” She smiled.
“Hmm, funny. But if you believe I’ll be handing over the Pearl to you, you are more than mistaken. Miss Do.”With a snap of his tail, his cats attacked.
The black panther leapt into the air, its claws extended. Daring Do anticipated the attack, flying up into the air in a reverse somersault. She kicked the jaw of the large cat, sending it back towards Ahuizotl. It shook its head and roared in anger. Daring Do narrowed her eyes, glaring straight into the panther’s gold eyes. The cheetah and the tiger attacked in unison. Daring flew to the right, avoiding the cheetah’s attack. But the tiger slammed its paw against her head, sending her to the ground. She swiftly punched at the tiger, slamming her front hoof into its head and sending it off her, yowling in pain. The cheetah followed through, leaping above her. Daring Do leapt into the air, did a back flip and kicked the cheetah in the stomach. She sent the spotted cat over the edge but the cheetah was quick to hand onto the edge, barely hanging on. Daring Do flapped her wings, softening her landing as she touched down onto the floor with ease. Daring ducked when the panther attacked once more. With another swing, she grabbed onto the panther’s scruff and threw it into the tiger. The two cats collided, leaving them booth disoriented and out of the way. The bobcat was easier to take out. One buck and it skidded across the aisle. The white cat hissed and leapt forward. Daring Do prepared herself to deflect the feral feline, but it flew over her head, landing behind her. It was a distraction. Before she could react, she was grabbed from behind by Ahuizotl. She let out a scream when he squeezed her. Ahuizotl chuckled at her pain.
“Tsk, tsk Miss Do, you should know to never turn your back away from me!” He said with a snap of his very sharp teeth.
Daring Do painfully let out a smile. “W-well…y-you are an a-affectionate ugh..hugger…”
“You have gotten in my way long enough!” He tightened his grip on her, making her cry out. He let out a loud cackle as he watched her struggle in vain. “But, perhaps, if you beg…I will show you mercy, eh? Miss Do-AH!”Ahuizotl yelled out suddenly, unexpectedly releasing Daring Do from his death grip. She fell to the ground, coughing as she began to take in air. When she turned around, she saw Ahuizotl curled up in a ball, shouting and writhing in immense pain. His hands reaching to his lower back. Daring blinked when she saw a stallion in a black cloak and hood, walk over Ahuizotl and up to her. She let out a small smile, slowly lifting herself up, wincing as she did. She suspected Ahuizotl might have cracked one of her ribs.
“Thanks for the help.” She weakly muttered to the stranger. She heard the stallion chuckle, making her raise a brow at him.
“Help you…? Oh, no Mon chou.” The stranger said gently, with a smooth voice that could lull a pony to sleep. “He was in the way. Just like you.”
“What?” Without any warning, the stranger punched her in the side. She fell to the ground, clutching her side, writhing in pain next to Ahuizotl. She gritted her teeth, glaring hatefully at the stallion. “If you will excuse me, I have a mission to complete.” The stranger strolled up to the statue. She and Ahuizotl watched helplessly as the mysterious stallion plucked the statue off its pedestal, concealing it under his robe. Just as Daring feared, a trap was triggered. The pedestal began to crumble as the temple began to shake.
“Oh dear,” The stallion covered his mouth in mock horror. He snickered when he calmly stepped over them. “I would love to stay and chat but, I prefer to not be buried alive.” Daring growled when the stallion disappeared into the maze, leaving them behind. She clenched her teeth, mentally scolding herself for not seeing the cheap move. She forced her wings open and flapped. She slowly lifted herself up to her hooves. Pieces of the temple began to fall around her. She turned to Ahuizotl, who was struggling to lift himself on all fours.
“Ahuizotl! Stop acting like an idiot and let’s go! The temple is going to bury you if you don’t move your flank!”
Ahuizotl let out a disgruntle groan. He tried to lift himself up, but collapsed once more. “I cannot! He has done something to my back, I cannot move!” With pieces of ivory crumbling around them, he chuckled softly. His head resting onto the cold floor. “It looks like this is the end of me…Daring Do.”
Daring rolled her eyes. “Ever thought about going into drama club? Come on!” She placed his arm around her shoulder and attempted to pick him up. She flapped her wings desperately but Ahuizotl was too heavy.
“What on earth are you doing?” He shouted. “Leave me! You stupid, ungrateful pony! I do not need your help!”
“Is this how you always act when someone is saving your life!” She let out a grunt, trying to drag him out. His weight suddenly became lighter. She turned to see his loyal cats at their master’s side, resting his arms over their own bodies. With the new help, the cats and Daring Do began to run through the collapsing maze. She looked at the flaming torches. They were almost extinguished. She pressed herself forward, picking up their pace. With one final turn, they all ran out of the temple just before it collapsed into rubble behind them. Daring Do and the cats fell to the ground, exhausted. Ahuizotl let out a hiss of pain when they dropped him.
“Medigos! A little more gentle!” He growled at Daring who pulled herself out from under him, giving him a direct glare.
“Thanks to your lackey, I lost the pearl! Do you have any idea how much money I lost! Not to mention how powerful that thing is!” She shouted and stomped her hoof.
“Save your childish tantrum!” He argued. “He was not my lackey; I came on my own accord with my pets. We were following you to get to the pearl first and destroy it!”
“So, you were after the pearl! I knew it! And... wait, you wanted to destroy it? I thought you wanted to use its power.” She said, giving him a suspicious look, not entirely believing him. She knew Ahuizotl and how he was a liar. He snorted at her words.
“Of course, I wanted to destroy it! I heard rumors of a pony wanting to get his dirty little hooves on its power in order to plunge the world into an eternal ice age!”
“How do I know you are not lying…” She asked. He raised a brow at her.
“I know you like making jokes, but I cannot tell if you are being serious. You do know I value the heat and humidity instead of the cold! I despise the cold!”
“All right! All right!” She said, rubbing her forehead. “Stop acting like a foal, I believe you. If he wasn’t working for you…then who was that pony?” She had never encountered a pony that moved as fast as that stallion did. She let out a low growl; she wanted to get her hooves around his neck. He took her treasure and she was determined to get it back.
“I might know the identity of who took the pearl.” Ahuizotl mentioned slyly, gaining Daring Do’s attention.
“Who is it?” She demanded. Her question only made Ahuizotl laugh. She gave him a glare. She really hated his laugh. It sounded like a hyena, scrapping it nails against a chalkboard.
“Please, you have made me laugh enough for today. I will never tell you.”
Daring Do flicked her mane back. “Fine…” She stated calmly. “I’ll just leave you here then. Without my help you won’t be able to move for days from that hit you took.”
“You are bluffing. You cannot help me. You are not a doctor.”
“You’d be surprised at what I can do, Ahuizotl.” She said, giving him a playful smirk. ‘I’m more than just a treasure hunter.” She turned away from him, flicking her tail at him like a whip. She headed towards the tree line. “I really have to get going. Have a nice night!”She began to walk away, counting the seconds until he changed his mind.
“W-wait!” He called out. She stopped in her tracks. He only lasted three seconds. “I will tell you who he is if you help me.” She turned back to him. “But only if you heal me!” She bit her lower lip in thought and nodded.
“Deal. But you better hold still.” She walked back over to him and climbed onto his back. He cringed in pain.
“I asked you to heal me, not stand on me!”
“Would you shut up! This is the only way to fix you!” He turned his head away from her. Daring cracked her neck and placed her front hooves on his shoulder blades. With a deep breath, she reared back on her hind legs and struck down, hitting right between his shoulder blades. The sudden shock of pain made Ahuizotl leap up onto all fours. He whirled at Daring in a rage.
"What are you doing?! Are you trying to kill me, you stupid, uneducated-!”
"You're standing, aren’t you?” she interrupted, holding a bored look on her face. He opened his mouth at her to argue but found himself in fact, standing on all fours. He shut his mouth. “Now it’s time for your end of the deal: Who was that pony?”
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Dahuizotl shipping?
Thank you very much for writing this.
This was a really nice read. Your characterization of Daring Do and Ahuizotl was spot on with the exaggerated villain and heroine without taking it too far and making them look ridiculous. From what little I've seen of this new villain, I really like him; he's confident, sly and smug. He obviously knew how the events would play out. I really look forward to seeing more of him, although I suppose his identity won't be a mystery for very long, which is a little bit of a shame.
As for the writing itself? Well, it feels like the editing is only half-complete. You start off with single-spaced paragraphs that make use of Fimfiction's built-in indent tool, but then the second half uses double-spacing and instead uses actual spacebar spaces to emulate indents (which, by the way, results in very uneven and unprofessional indenting). You will definitely need to head back and correct this. I recommend using double-spacing as well as Fimfiction's built-in indent tool to make it as easy as possible for your reader to read.
Next up, a lot of the fic is written in present tense. I strongly recommend that you change this to past tense. This means going back and changing all the present to past, the present participle to past participle, and ensuring that all your sentences still make sense. Past tense simply sounds significantly better than present tense. If you're unsure of how to best go about this, then I recommend getting your editor to help you out here. Also, remember to check you're using a comma everywhere that they need to be.
Finally, I suggest that you get a proofreader in to check your work. Some of what you've written just has simple errors in it, such as:
This should, of course, be humidity, not humanity.
Another example would be:
Because "your" replaces "you are" in this case, you should be including an apostrophe in the word. So the correct version of the word you're looking for is "You're".
I hope this criticism helps you improve this first chapter, as well as all the future chapters to come. I honestly am really looking forward to seeing more from this. Dahuizotl is a ship I really wish there was more of on Fimfiction.
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I
Thanks so much for reading this. I do agree I might need a proofreader and to work on the indent problem but I will stick with present tense throughout the fic but I love your critique thank you for taking the time to point those out,
DARZOTL!?
INSTA-LIKE AND INSTA-FAV AND INSTA-FOLLOW!
Just finished this.
I'd recommend putting it into past tense. Can I PM you an edited version with that?
Other than that, it's AWESOME, and we FINALLY HAVE A DARZOTL FIC!
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Thanks so much ^_^
Love this ship. {It's up there with Dislestia as my fav.}
I really like it so far. Especially since you seem to have a grasp on the characters and aren't forcing anything on us too soon.
Keep up the good work.
Ok wow this is a pretty interesting start of a story and I haven't read too many of Daring Do so I might as well start here and probably treat this as an alternate universe because you know of the later episodes but I digress so anyway it looks like Daring Do traveling through a temple to search for a rare Diamond that controls winter which that's pretty interesting but her nemesis Ahuizotl was there and sending out his cats to kill her but she fought them off pretty good until he tricked her and grabbed her and decide to choke her but then an energy beam hit him and caused him to go down quickly an unknown Pony also strike Daring Do as well and then took the diamond and triggered the Trap Daring was about to leave but she saw Ahuizotl struggle to get out but he couldn't and in her goodness of her heart she decided to save him and with the help of his cats they got out of there in time but it looks like they're in a tight situation dealing with an unknown Pony who wanted to use the power and Ahuizotl was going to destroy it because he doesn't like the cold so apparently these two have agreement to help each other to stop this unknown Pony they just need to know who the heck is he well this was a pretty interesting start I wonder how this will go