out of five

3673512
I am not disappointing with this but may I inquire as to why it is three
Just want to know how I can make it better

i thought i clicked 5
my bad

3673531
OH
even better haha, sorry about misunderstanding
but thank you very much

Wow... that's brutal, sentenced for Manslaughter and all she did was defend herself, dood. Only to teeter over to becoming the deadliest of assassins.

I think I'll favorite this, dood.

3674002
HAHAHA! I love this comment

3674007 , dood.

Im curious about security cameras?

3674403
This will come in at a later date, if you are referring to the story I will explain, during the scene in the school It was the library where there were none. Second in the car on the way back to the Facility where they held the Community service there would have been a camera in the car but when it turned over it was crushed and lastly for the train in Moscony, it was a third world country where it could not facilitate such technology upon the train, making her first assassination rather easy, As for Security Cameras in general, later down the line I will be implementing this idea, I am thinking of a rather big plot twist involving a camera but I will not spill any beans, I hope this has answered everything that was on your mind, thanks for the comment

3674434 thanks

3674639
No worries and Nice pic by the way, Angel Beats isn't it?

3674658
Someone who knows about Angel Beats

3675642
I watch quite a lot of anime so yep I know angel Beats, although the ending to the show made me sad a little , Still a great show

>> FLUTTERxxDASH
When Tenshi disappeared I was like

3675740
I know the feels, I was confused at first and ended up having to re watch it because I watched some episodes then left it to catch up at the time because I wanted to watch it all at once, since they couldn't die there I was really confused but then I re watched sand was like. THIS. IS THE. WORST. POSSIBLE. THING

ooooo... i love this story, please post more. i eagerly await further chapters

3677278
Instead of just putting its terrible why don't you put some critism as to why you don't like it, if not why waste your time placing a comment?

I don't know... is she going to hear about the others as well or will they just not be mentioned?

3677297
Whats up, what others, do you mean the rest of the Mane six, if so they will be mentioned in the next few chapters

3677320 Cool. Yes I do mean the rest of the group.

3677323
no worries, I should have Chapter one out soon, if not in the next few days, it might be out late tomorrow or boxing day due to family and Christmas
Thanks for the comment

3677338 No problem. I just really hate to see the girls split up though.

Deleting comments now? Bad move, bucko.
And what I mean is, people will take it the wrong way. Not attacking you.

3677389
I deleted them for the fact that Its just banter something that shouldn't have happened and I am sorry for arguing with you.

3677423 THAT ISN'T WHAT I MEAN. I mean, people who look in will come in and not think highly of you for it when they see it, especially without any context. Comment deletion is quite often looked down upon. I am trying to give you some advice to avoid trouble from other commenters!

3677342
I know what you mean, although It will be a bit different. If you haven't seen the blog I put up It shows some of what the first chapter will be like

3677452
Okay Fair enough, I am sorry for doing that, I didn't know about that and in doing so, apologies.
As for the comment it just sounded very Sarcastic and twisted my nerves, its one of my pet peeves is all when someone doesn't show what they dislike about a story If they take the time to comment something so small, then the second comment looked cynical to me, if it wasn't I apologize for that too, I get too hot headed but in the end I will still thank you for pointing out what you did, the only thing that Still confuses me is how you think it doesn't make sense? Just saying, and this time I mean nothing bad by posting this comment

3677473 Alright, let's look at this: Twilight accidentally kills a bully who was attacking her. And you say the bullying has gone on for a long time, but somebody would have noticed by now for sure. Along with this, how the other people react is unrealistic. Also, in many parts of the story, you don't switch paragraphs when a new person speaks, and it gets confusing as to who is speaking. Also, getting out of cuffs... From something she read in a book. I find this unlikely. Also, how does she amazingly have this great assassin sense or whatever it is? Also, the whole way this unfolds is illogical, and I REALLY don't think that it's in Twilight's character to become an assassin. Also, why is RAINBOW DASH bullying her? Why does she have MINIONS? And why does she threaten her with a KNIFE? This is freaking Rainbow Dash, not a god damned sociopath! If anything, she would stick up for Twilight when she's being bullied, especially considering that she was bullied in school!

3677502
Okay I get what you are saying now
1. character speech
For now I do understand that it is a tad bit if not a lot confusing on that point that I need to fine tune the sentences. a lot.
2. the bullying
In a lot of cases children are bullied for long times, not saying anything about this but I myself was an extreme case of this, when a child feels isolated they will not tell their parents about the bullies.
As for school, I am sure that in most cases when it comes to preschoolers in the years of 1-6 most cases are treated lightly as an argument, literally happens all the time with my little brother. When in higher education such as high school the bullies tend to get smarter, if not then they really needed to be put in a special class, being smarter they might have been caught once or twice but never much. As for whether anyone knew, maybe later in the story I have a flash back episode where Twilight talks to her parents or Shining for help.
3. Rainbow Dash
before entering the story you will have noticed the Alternate universe tag, in this case personalities and characteristics can be changed, in this case we have Rainbow Dash, the athlete of the class who is pushed into leader positions, when they were little (referring to how I could add a scene in the chapters) they might not have started off on the right footing, usually the unfit bookworm has issues with athletic people, Such as referring to myself again, I was very unfit in high school and a girl called Ricky always picked on me, nowadays we are best friends and its all in the past. So on that point it would have to do with the Story itself, on the note of the knife, she could have been egged onto this position by Peach as she seemed like she wasn't sure she wanted to do it, but looking at Peach pushed her ego, It was never her intention to physically hurt Twilight, just get a rise out of her being scared that what most bullies do. The reason as to why she is doing the bullying could be for many reasons, Smarter, maybe she liked TomKin later at High school, she was egged on by her group, as for the word Minion it just popped in my head as I was watching despicable me 2 lately so sorry If that got on your nerves.
4. The cuffs
In a cop car you have a metal cage that segments the back seat from the front seat, connected to that was a chain that held Twilights cuffs, As for the book she read I myself have seen many documentaries on people who have broke from jail and I like cop shows, some of the old cuffs cops used to use had a flaw where if you can dislocate your wrists you were able to remove you hand from them easier than straight hands would, thus that answers that, I tried to portray the chain links were broken nearly but that she couldn't pull on it till she had a better way too, thus one had got out for another was to break it.
5. Twilight having potential for being an assassin
Again it breaks down to a few subjects
A. she just lost her last bit of happiness and wished to die, why not throw yourself into the life where you could die rather easy
B. with all the emotional scarring she has had, she became numb to emotion, I know it sounds illogical but that is just the way I had it
C. it was a case of right time wrong place, the man in the black suit would have received orders for the assassination of that specific guard and Twilight was just a bystander along for the ride.
6. the way people react
I will put my hands up for this one, I cant agree more, it was very rushed and it was choppy, my speech in writing stories is already inadequate and needs working on, that my friend is why I will be trying to find an experienced editor soon, hopefully this has shed some light on our little argument

Once again I am really sorry for stressing at you earlier, forgive me?

3677593

the premise of this story reminds me of bronywriter's secret life of rarity

3677593 I really like the way you portrayed Twilight in this story and it actually feels perfectly real. I myself have been bullied for years on end and if I had been in the same spot as Twilight I would have even enjoyed it. All your points are very valid.
Some people may say that your story's people are reacting over the top, but in our own world this actually happens all the time. People often only look at the big thing like "She killed someone" and don't even care about the underlying motives. Even if she had been found not guilty she would have been seen as a murderer by everyone else. I have seen someone's life get ruined by a false accusation. He was blamed for something terrible and even after having been proven to be not guilty, people still looked at him like he had in fact done it.

3681350 before this comment I had a debate with another person on this subject about Twilights personality and you have just said all the points I said to him, many people who are bullied regress to this state of being quite and fragile and with the emotional scarring that takes place I tried to portray Twilight as if she became numb to emotion. As for the Court scene this was actually taken from something I watched, a boy who was sixteen accidentally killed one of his bullies even when this happens its a case of manslaughter which I think is sick and wrong, so for now I am just trying to find an editor so that it sin't as bland and then hopefully the people in this story will sound even more realistic. Thank you so much for the comment it has made me really happy

3680702
On that note I will have to shoot over and see what its like, I wanna see what its like now

interest has been offically peaked favd and set to email updates cant wait for more

A really good concept for a story, a little more detail wouldnt hurt though because right now I have no idea of whats going on. I know that she got cut and went to prison and then her dad died and then shit became confusing.