Carmine:
"Jesus!" I bolted through the streets, two new additions in my bag, "God damn fucking idiots!" I took a sharp turn and slammed into Sean's side yard gate, "Sean! Sean let me in!" Sean quickly appeared over the fence.
"Oi...what happened? I thought you had work?" He quickly undid that latch.
Once I heard the door unlock I pushed through, "I checked on Kenny first! Idiot had two too!"
"What, tutu?"
"Shut up! Auggh...I can't deal with all this...the idiot said he got two because he thought he could make them fuck....You're just stupid right, cause I can deal with stupid, but him...augh, just augh." I felt the new duo poking through my bag as we reached his back porch, his other pony, the one with the red mane, busying herself with some flowers, "Jesus...I need a drink..." I set the bag down and let the new duo out. Noteworthy clawed his way out with Berry latched onto his leg.
"Oh Celestia help! She's got my leg, she's got my leg!" I sat down on her back stoop and pulled them apart, "Oh thank you," He hugged my wrist, "You are the best....what are you?"
"Human..."
"Best human!" I shook my head as I set him down, he ran off before I set Berry down, quickly stumbling over and knocking her head onto the concrete.
"Jesus...is she alright?" Sean asked as he stepped over.
"I don't think so...Kenny gave her a shot of whiskey to try and get her and him," I pointed to Noteworthy, who was watching Rose work, "To....god damn idiot. I mean, you're stupid, but god damn you're not that stupid." I rested my head in my hands, "God damn...this is like the cat incident all over again."
"Why do you always bring that up?" Sean crouched down and scooped up the drunken mare, "It was one time-"
"You killed a bloody cat! Even if it wasn't direct, you lead to a cat dying! And then you wanted another!" I gave a long groan as I laid my head back in my hands, "I had to use a sick day for this..."
"Well...sorry. I'm gonna go put her in bed or something...she really doesn't look good." Sean walked off, leaving me alone with the two in the yard.
"Yeah fine...I'll just be here...waiting...for nothing...." My head was killing me, I had been awake for about three hour, woken up by a delayed arrival of a mare that decided blaring music at six am was fine. I even had take Kenny's power cord to keep him from taking more.
"Hey...are you alright?" I pulled my head up to see the red head walking over, "You look...well, not good." I could see Noteworthy nodding behind her.
How do I talk to her...do I talk to her? I guess I should. I took a deep sigh, "Ya know I guess I'm not." I devolved into a tired smile, "I've been running around like a madman, trying to sort this all out, I missed work, and now...I don't know. I'm just so damn tired." I let my head fall back into my hands.
I heard some whispers followed by a small pressure crawling up my hip, "Hey, come on." I turned my head to see the red head was trying to shake my leg, "Come on, help me with the plants." She bit the tail of my shirt and started tugging me towards the lawn.
"Oh come on don't-"
Noteworthy walked over to my front, "Trust me friend, it's easier to just go with it."
My words fizzled in my mouth, "Fine..." I scooped up the mare, pulling her off my shirt. She wiggled around until her forelegs were hanging over my forearms, "For the record I'm not a-"
She cut me off, thrusting a hoof towards a small planter box, "That way!" I felt a quick jolt of annoyance before walking over and setting her down. "Perfect," She bolted off to what looked like an crumbly dog house. She slowly emerged, pulling a tray of starters out through the front door. She managed to pull the tray out and walked over to me, "Well, help!"
This felt strange, like getting yelled at by a small dog. "Help with what?"
She looked around, eventually finding a small trowel by the door, "Go get a shovel, Noteworthy: go pick some weeds." Note gave a quick shrug before running off, "Well, don't just stand there!" She chirped, "Get going!"
I really didn't feel like arguing. I resigned myself to fetching the trowel. Once it was acquired I walked back and sat in the grass, "Just dig a hole?" I asked, scanning the lawn for the mare.
She popped out of the greenery, "Yeah, maybe here." She stomped her hoof on a small patch of dirt, "So wait...your name's..."
"Carmine." I started digging a shallow hole, "You?"
She shook her body, throwing about a cloud of dust, "Roseluck!"
I gave a single cough as I dug, "Charming. This good enough?"
She looked into the small hand sized hole, "Should be," She trotted off and started pulling the starters over. I quickly leaned over and picked the whole thing up, pulling a starter out and planting it in the ground. "Hmm, glad to see you get it." She walked over to it and stomped the ground, "So you know the other one?"
"Who, Sean? Yeah...kids dumb...I mean he means we-"
"I was just sitting in my garden, tending some flowers, then bam, duddenly here. Then Rainbow Jerk said he knew what would happen!"
I stuck the trowel in the ground, "Like I said, he's dumb. He does mean well...he tries rather." I started to stand up, "He's just kinda dopey, A for effort if you will." Noteworthy joined us, his coat covered in dust, muzzle colored brown from his digging, "I'll go get a towel."
"Hey Carmine..." Sean was sitting with the KO'd mare on the couch, "Did Kenny really-"
"What do you think? Anyways I need a towel, where are they?" I asked with a bit of bite to my voice. I could never get rid of it even when I wasn't mad at him.
"Top shelf in the bathroom...why do you need a towel?"
"The gardener and the bookish one are all dirty, and I don't know about you but I usually try to keep my carpet clean." I hurried off to fetch a towel.
"Hey you got some money?" Sean yelled from the other room, "I was gonna go pick up some food, but I ain't paying for both of us."
"From where?"
"A deli I go to, it's kinda expensive but really worth it."
"...Yeah alright, and pick up some fresh stuff for the horses...ponies...whatever they are." I said as I grabbed the towel and started back outside.
"Oi! Uh...ponies!?" I yelled, the duo walking over to the steps, "Alright..." I leaned over and grabbed the hose, "This might be a bit cold." I quickly turned the spigot ever so slightly, jamming my thumb in the faucet sent a thin spray of water towards them.
Rose seemed to be enjoying it, "Cold on a warm day is always nice." She weaved her head around to thoroughly soak herself.
Noteworthy on the other hand seemed to be tolerating it at best, "Not a fan of cold water?" I asked with a laugh.
He shook his head, "Not really a fan of water in the first place."
I gave a quick, tired, laugh. It was kinda nice standing there, enjoying the soft cold of the water, watching the two people below me enjoying it as well. All I needed now was a beer and I'd look like my dad back when we were kids. No wonder why he did it, this is extremely calming.
As the water that ran down the concrete landing went from brown to clear I shut the tap, "Right, enough of that." I took the towel off my shoulder and ducked down. Noteworthy quickly ran over, "Geez...you really don't like the water." I quickly dried him off, squeezing his mane free of water.
"Thank you..." He slowly turned to Roseluck, "Sorry...I'll just go wait by the door."
She gave a quick laugh before walking over and holding her head high. I quickly worked my hands around her, squeezing the water out of her mane and tail, rubbing her neck through the soft towel, letting my fingers crimp around her flank to pull any moisture out. As I pulled my hands away she shook her mane out, she was rather cute with the spiky mane look.
What did I just think?!
And so I sat with a bunch of ponies crowded around me, the drunkest of all snoring heavily, "Yo Carmine...food." Sean shook my shoulder.
"Huh? Oh...right." I slowly set the ponies down, freeing myself and walking into the kitchen with Sean, "Sorry, kinda fell asleep for a little bit."
"It's fine man, here." He handed me a wrapped sandwich and a small container, "French dip, change is-"
He started to dig around his pocket when I interjected, "Keep it, figure I just dropped off three more headaches for you, so...yeah. I'll try and drop by on Saturday or something, help you out." I took a seat at a nearby table. Sean quickly joined me, "I'll try to figure this out...just don't bring anymore through. I already had to take away Kenny's power cord. Damn idiot told me outright I'll just get another one.... Daft idiot."
"Carmine that's technically theft...."
"And what he did was technically kidnapping and attempted rape, some how I think I'm in the right here." I unwrapped my sandwich, "Like I said, I'll drop by on Saturdays, help you with them, and I promise ya I'll find a way to get em back...or die trying at least...."
Sean gave a quick shrug, "I really don't mind it too much."
I closed my eyes and shook my head, "Sean...these aren't animals...they may look like it but they're not. They're people, they have lives, we can't just rip em away because they're..." The image of the red head whipping her mane around cut my thoughts, "...cute...."
He gave a deep frown, "I suppose."
"Aye."
"Yep." After that quick little bout of yeses we quickly took to eating. After this I was going to head home and do my best to figure out the program, "Good isn't it?"
I took another bite of the sandwich, "Aye...that it is...that it is."
Draw pictures of all the miniaturized ponies hugging Carmine. NOW.
Roseluck was indeed adorable in this chapter. I also like the banter between Sean and Carmine, it's just so fun to read
Can't decide if you should write or not? Writer's block keeping you down? Real life becoming a drag on your pony life?
One thing to fix all that! Post ponies!
Seems like someone needs to take away Kenny's hard drive....
Seriously wtf?
Writewritewritewritewritewrite. Write it, please?
Great chapter.
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The way this story goes is actually a lot better then i first expected.
Same with this chapter, it had a good build up, good sense of direction, actual morals.
I am actually excited for the next chapter right now.
This might just be me, but I had a problem distinguishing who were who, and who live in the house for a short while in this chapter.
Else this is starting to get rather entertaining, I cant wait and head what will happen later in the story!
3608158
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Get to your senses man.
3608318
Its not just you, i had the same thing a bit in the middle of the chapter, the part in the garden.
3608325
Your obsession scares me.
3608193
That's why in chapter 3 Carmine is rather aggressive...
3608325
Never...ever...EVER!
It's cute and i enjoy it greatly, i'd say you keep going if you want it
Perspective became a little confusing, but overall that was interesting. Keep going if you want, or not. Your choice.
3608499
I see that and fully approve. It just seems like a temporary measure since the program is on the hard drive and the power cord seems pretty easy to replace.
Don't take this as heavy handed criticism. Kenny is messed up or just an ignorant jerk; However it seems easier to take out a hard drive long term rather than the power cord. For some reason I see more ponies coming from Kenny's apartment.
In any case hind sight is 20/20 and the story must go on!
3608503
Yes. Never..... Although it could be funny to see him freaking out and throwing tantrums.... Maybe be locked in a closet or a sock drawer for being a jerk....
3608739
Kenny's hard drive + golfclub + ???? = profit?
Kenny, the first to try and breed Equestrian ponies. Thank God he failed.
3608858
DUDE READ MY MIND... Only missing one last step and enjoy a brew with Roseluck.
Edit: Or would that be profit?
I'm enjoying this one
Vinyl needs a club audience.
She can start bringing ponies through.
the office becomes Club Vinyl
Are any of the Princesses going to be drug though? Or maybe some random guards?
Dude. I like this story a lot. Lots of D'awhh and stuff. But if you don't feel like writing for it anymore I'll understand.
3609230
Well no it has some slight depth with Carmine...and....well...needless to say I will have some extreme moment.....*RESIST THE SPOILER*
3609446
What would happen if there was heat:
"Yeah I haven't seen Vinyl or Berry all day...Rose has been locked inside her little dog house, Noteworthy's in a cupboard, and Rainbow-"
*Thud*
"She keeps trying to get to Note. Knock it off before you hurt yourself!"
Nothing else would happen, it would be an off handed thing.
Okay, _here_ Carmine sounds kind've alright.
I think the main reason I disliked him was the unnecessary threats of violence. There is a _world_ of difference between 'confiscating' someone's property in order to prevent them being stupid, and smashing it for the same reason.
I am still of the belief that Sean's stupidity is limited to not waiting to see who RD wanted to come stay, at least, so far as we can see. You mention that he was somehow responsible for the death of a cat, which could be expounded upon to show why he'd get more ponies, or why he was stupid to get more ponies, but currently only indicates his unsuitedness for caring for small animals - which reflects poorly on Carmine for leaving them with him.
Also - Roseluck just irritates me. Granted, she's actually insulting to Sean, but she just seems to be plain disrespectful to everyone. Sure, DJ P0N3 seems to be similar, but loud music is an easy enough problem to fix (either explain when it's appropriate, or nick off with a power cable).
3609477
Can I tell the damn story or would you like to? These overly intricate looks into what just isn't there are rather obnoxious. Rose has so far been rude to two people: Sean, her abductor. And Rainbow, still a bit of ire left over as stated in the second chapter.
Carmine trusts the ponies enough to stay alive on their own, but understands that if too many were brought over, they would end up being reliant of Sean, which would be a bad thing. Sean is more there to give them access to food and keep them from making the local news.
Carmine's violence stems straight from what he had to do with Kenny. More bluster than anything else, but still will take action to keep the problem contained. And again...Carmine see this whole situation as bad...people stranded on a (while not hostile) alien world. So this isn't exactly something that should happen.
3609547
Oh, I'm sorry. I assumed that, posting your story on a publicly accessible site with an obvious feedback function, indicated some desire for mild critical review. So, you'd rather I just blow smoke up your ass instead of anything that might actually help you as an author?
In this very chapter, you have Roseluck dishing out orders to Carmine, cutting him off mid sentence, and acting as though she only started speaking to him as a ploy to get him to do some work for her. You comment on it, by mentioning how he suffers a jolt of annoyance due to her.
I don't recall her being rude to RD, however, and, excluding off-screen character interaction, she doesn't seem to have any call to be.
Ah - not unless there are some large continuity errors, it doesn't. Carmine wasn't violent this chapter - as I said, this chapter, he actually seems to be an alright guy. Bit stressed, maybe, but that's understandable. What I said was that the reason I disliked him in the last chapter was because of his threats of violence. He came in, swearing and threatening to smash stuff, and as far as your readers are concerned, he didn't really seem to have any reason to. You had to explain in a comment that it was down to 'previous experience' with Sean, evidence of which we still haven't seen in-story. Yes, he can't be trusted to care for small animals. Fine. But this 'stupidity' Carmine keeps accusing him of simply has not appeared.
3608516
The only way we want Blueblood is if SOMEONE'S CAT TRIES TO EAT HIM. So that he spends the rest of the story being chased in and out of houses and dirty alleyways and we never have to see him again.
3609706 Look,Im going to say right now,Doc hates this story with a passion,And the only reason it isnt cancelled is because he lost a bet with me
3609706
Ploy to get work done....no, if you don't know tending a garden is generally a good way to relax, perhaps that wasn't expressly stated, but I didn't think I needed to...
and no, this piece, (as stated) is not good...if you want to critique something, critique something that aspires to be good.
And once again, the anger in the third come as bluster, in an attempt to avoid having to do what he did with Kenny. Snuff the problem sooner and you won't have to deal with it later.
3609778
See, this is why you shouldn't be leaving things unsaid. The more you leave open to interpretation, the more people are going to misinterpret things.
And, okay, fine. If you're not willing to put any effort into this story, you're right; there's no point my reviewing it. I'll probably get round to your Daring Do fic at some point over the Christmas holidays, so until then, I bid you farewell.
3609854
All that I'm asking is for you to wait until verdict is out, as you just said, leaving stuff out can be misinterpreted, but saying too much can be of determent as well. I take into account what people say, but understand multiple posts on the same subject don't help. I'm asking a lot I know, but trust that I am addressing the problems, and in the end I hope to turn this into something good, but it will be a salvage job at best unless I do a complete rewrite.
3610026
Kenny: "Great....annoying one....shoulda guessed it....whelp, to the bin with ya."
*Tosses Blueblood in the trash*
"Waste a' damn time."
3610130
Whole untold story that gets immediately resolved when the main one works...make it happen then.
3610196
Blue goes on a whole adventure while this story is going on, surviving off bins and trash, then when this story wraps up, bam: moot point.
3610344
I'll handle it...should be funny...maybe.
3608325
Just add salt. And Pinkimena.
Please keep writing this!!! There are plenty of people who enjoy this story very much, including me!!
I pity Carmine. His friends... One is something of an oblivious idiot, and the other is depraved pervert with a rather worrying attitude. I also pity the ponies, stuck in a strange land with, so far, Carmine being their only reliable ally. Because I wouldn't call Sean reliable, even if he does mean well...
Makes me wonder what insanity will happen next and how the ponies and the only sane human around will deal with it. I suspect Carmine will need aspirin, however. Or maybe a shotgun to shoot someone in the face with, not sure.
Nice to see Carmine's got a brain. Hate to see him "die trying" though. I like most characters called carmine and I've seen enough of them die.
Unlike those other people, I'll just say to update whenever you want.
Because I'm actually a reasonable person who doesn't demand "moar", demand that you insert other ponies, or demand that you make a picture of all the ponies.
Anywho, Carmine seems to be "that one guy" who everyone feels bad for because he's dependable and has some sense of intelligence.
Eh... liked this at first, but now there's like 7 characters all aimlessly clowning around so, I dunno, I think that's it for me.
Still! First few chapters were cute!
3609547 I'm sorry you don't enjoy this story as much as your others, I hope you get more followers for your real stories.
3612592
Well now that everyone who's going to be there is, I'm gonna slow down and focus one chapter on each of the ponies individually. It might work, it might not, but this story is still one large experiment.
Aw, I really enjoy this. I hope you keep going, writing about the ponies adventures in an over sized house.
Meh, everything after chapter one seems to be janky.
3614621
Okay? Sorry I guess...not enough cute I suppose.
Who is Noteworthy?
There is no time for flip-flopping, unless you're on a beach. Why would you be on a beach though? It's winter and the beaches would be cold and uugh. Anyway, have a nice day Mr/Ms Author.
3617355
But it's so quiet with all the tourists gone....