Name: Leon Midnight Seiryu
Age: 18 (in human years. I don't know the equivalent in Alicorn years).
Gender: Male
Species: Human-Alicorn Hybrid
Alignment: Not yet defined.
Likes: Music, fighting, reading, flying at night, going to high places to relax and when he wants to be alone and playing his special flute, which looks like a sea-shell and can sound as many instruments of Leon's choice at once.
Dislikes: Bullies, people (no matter the species) who abuse other people (no matter the species) for whatever reason (money, status, power, etc...) and killing (unless he has no choice).
Family: Leon's family currently resumes to himself (the why will be explained later in the story). He had a human mother named Satsuki, a Unicorn father named Nocturnal Shield, an older Unicorn brother named Dusk Spark (3 years older than Leon), an older human sister named Luchia (2 years older than Leon) and an older Unicorn sister named Star Light (1 year older than Leon).
Background story: Leon was the last child of the Seiryu to be born. He is quite "unique", so to speak. For one, his parents weren't Alicorns. His mother was a Human and his father was a Unicorn. Also, he was born exactly 18 years prior to the night when Princess Luna became Nightmare Moon, at 12:00pm to be exact, when the Moon had reached it's peak. Not to mention that, when Nocturnal Shield and Satsuki looked at Leon's neck, he had a birthmark in the shape of a crescent moon on the the right side. Said crescent moon was a normal brown color in the center with it's outline being a couple of darker shades. Nocturnal and Satsuki had originally planned to tell Princess Celestia about him. But, when they were on their way to the castle, a few creatures attacked and Leon, fearing for the lives of his family, instinctively used a barrier made of dark magic to protect them that killed the creatures. When Rihito and Satsuki saw this, they decided against telling the Princess. For they knew that dark magic was extremely dangerous and forbidden. And they feared that the Princess would harm Leon, or worse. And so, they kept Leon's existence a secret from everyone outside the clan. Leon's life was quite happy. He was accepted and liked by everyone in the clan. They knew that Leon could use dark magic, and Satsuki helped him to learn about it and Nocturnal helped him to control it and taught him who to use it properly. But it didn't mattered to any one. in the clan. He was a member of the clan and, like they would do for any other member, they would protect him with their lives, if needed be. Leon also trained with his brother and sisters in physical and magical fights. He got along well with his siblings, especially his older sister, Luchia. That was normal. Because, along with his parents, Luchia was the first person he saw when he was born. There were two things that Leon aways seemed to have an especially strong connection to. Those things were Luchia and the moon. The first evidences that Leon had a strong connection with the moon were that, while he liked the day, he always seemed to like more the night. Also, since his birth, he would only sleep on places where the moonlight shined. Sure, he never made a ruckus nor cried about it. And rather than waiting for his parents to take him to one of those places, he simply went to them by himself. In truth, he actually felt safe beneath the moonlight. As if something or someone(pony) were watching him. Truly, Leon couldn't be happier. Unfortunately, his happiness didn't last long. When he reached the physical age of 18, his clan was attacked. Normally, that wouldn't have been a problem. Because the village was surrounded by several barriers and spells. Said barriers and spells made it so that outsiders could only come in if they were someone the Seiryu trusted deeply or if said outsider was in the company on at least one member of the Seiryu clan. However, on that ocassion, it had been different. Because, due to the betrayal of a member of the clan, the enemies were easily able come in and catch the clan by surprise. Despite the the brave efforts of every member of the clan to defend their home, they were defeated and killed. Leaving Leon as the only survivor. However, the enemies hadn't left unharmed. Far from it. As their leader had been banished, along with it's second and third in command. Not to mention that their generals and most of their army had been destoryed. And so, after buring everyone, with a broken heart, Leon placed himself on a state of suspended animation, where he would not be disturbed and where he would gather energy and conserve his powers until he woke up. And that state would only end when the time was right. No matter how long that took. And so, since his existence had been kept a secret, everyone, pony and non-pony alike, thought that the Seiryu clan had been extinguished.
Personality: Quiet, serious and reserved. Though he's not shy like Fluttershy. He just dosen't talk a lot. He will go to any length he needs to protect his beloved ones. If he's in the mood, he can play a prank or two.
Virtues: He's a kind hearted guy. He's also caring, patient, understanding, comprehensive, forgiving (depending on how bad one's wrongs are. Example: He could forgive a murderer if he/she regrets and repents from killing) and a gentleman.
Defects: He can be quite stubborn sometimes (but not to an extreme) and usually, if he has a problem or something bothers him, he tries to solve it by himself, so that his beloved ones don't get hurt.
He looks like this: http://maexam.deviantart.com/art/Leon-Midnight-Seiryu-409277436
Cutie Mark: http://maexam.deviantart.com/art/Leon-s-Cutie-Mark-2-0-Seiryu-Clan-Symbol-405645528
Leon's Cutie Mark is divided in four parts, each with it's own meaning. The white and red circle with white and black marks, the Blue Moon, the Silver Shield and the Yin-Yang dragons.
Meanings
Circle and Marks: They mean that he's a natural when it comes to magic. Much like Twilight. Only he can easily control any kind of magic. Wether it's regular, Dark, Chaos or Blood magic. When it comes to protecting his dear ones, he'll do whatever it takes and use any means necessary to keep them safe. And if he has to, he won't hesitate to use Dark, Chaos and/or Blood magic. He currently knows only regular magic and the basics of Dark magic. As for the other two, he knows thay exsisted a long time ago, but her never had the chance to study them.
Blue Moon: He always had a peculiar affinity with the moon. Such affinity makes it so that Leon is even stronger and more powerful at night. That means that he's faster, stronger and posseses more agility during the Night. Also, his spells are much more powerful at night. Reaching twice or even trice their normal power.
Silver Shield: It means he can, like Shining Armor, use defensive spells with ease. Only when it comes to barriers, Leon's barriers have the peculiar capacity to absorb and send back the enemy's attack's with twice as strength/power. It also mean that he has a natural instinct to protect his beloved ones (friends, family, etc...) and he can also tell when someone or somepony has or is in trouble. And he'll try to help anyway he can.
Yin-Yang Dragons: This part is sub-divided in two others. The Yin-Yang circle and the Dragons connecting said circle. The circle means "balance". That is, he can tell when someone or somepony is lying and he also can see both, the negative and the positive sides of someone/somepony, of a thing or of a situation and is able to judge impartially, no matter what the facts are. It also means that he can bring calm and serenity to someone or somepony if he/she is not feeling well. Dragons are the kings of reptiles. As such, Leon can communicate with any creature, so long as they have some reptilian blood in it, no matter how little it is, and is able to , if necessary, request for aid. Also, he can calm down even the most violent and temperamental reptile, whether it's a dragon or not, with ease.
Note: The amount and limit of his powers are currently unknown. That's because he himself dosen't know about said limits. Also, he can switch from his Alicorn form to Human form and a form in between. Meaning that he can turn into an Alicorn that has human body but it's furred. Also, in this form, his feet are those of normal humans, as are his hands. His head however, in that of an Alicorn, like Celestia, Luna and Cadence. He also has his wings, which are as long as Celestia's.
Now that we went through Leon's bio, let's take a look at his family, okay?
Father (38): Nocturnal Shield Seiryu was an elite warrior, even for normal standards. He could take a team of 5 Royal Elite Guards with relative ease. He was a master in many kinds of fighting styles, both magical and physical. He was a quite skilled magician. He was also co-leader of the Seiryu clan (yes, that means that Leon is a prince, in a sense). He made a point to train, not only his own children, but all of the clan's children himself, whenever he had the time. After all, being co-leader had many responsibilities. He took care of everything that involved politics, except for diplomacy. Also, he was responsible for the management of the clan's wealth and rations distribution and for anything that involved military, except for strategy.
Mother (35): Satsuki Seiryu was a quite skilled physical fighter. She was proud of her agility and speed. Tough she had quite a lot of physical strenght. But she preferred to dwell more into the mystical art of magic. She had always been fascinated by magic, and so, chose to learn everything she could about it. She was most skilled with barriers, long range spells (tough she could use short-ranged and enhacing spells to fight at close-range, if needed be) and everything that involved healing. As such, she was the one who took care of healing injuries, whether from battle or not, and curing the sick. As co-leader, she took care of Diplomacy, peace related missions and strategies for battle. She also made herself the responsible for teaching magic to the little ones, whenever she had the time.
Brother (21): Brilliant Gleam took after his father, Nocturnal Shield. He aspired to become an elite warrior and was one of the top of his class. The only reason he wasn't at his class top, was because he was tied with Leon, despite Leon being 3 years younger. His magical skills were definitely above average and could easily defeat an infant or even a teenage dragon.
Sister (20): While she was a very skilled ranged magician, Luchia was the more calmer of the sibilings. She, of course, knew plenty of offensive spells. However, she prefered all and every spell that was related to cure and healing, like her mother. As for her skills as a fighter, she could defend herself if needed be, but compared to the rest of her family, she was the weakest, phisically .
Sister (19): Star Light was phisically stronger than her older sister, Luchia. But, in compensation, her magical skills surpassed the average but only for a small bit. Her spells were more defensive like (barriers, shields and armors conjuring, weapons enhacements, etc...).
That's not a story about ponies, at all.
It's just a big info dump about the Gary Stu self-insert of the author, without a lot of common ground with the base material of the show. And I don't care at all about him.
He don't have a pony name, he don't have a pony backstory, he don't have a real cutie mark ( it's way too over-designed to be credible ) and he don't look like a pony from the show ( avoid pony creator image when making an OC, it don't look natural at all and is a proof of bad quality ).
I'm sorry, but I have to agree with FicusCat, this is just an info dump about a character with all of the traits of a Gary Stu. I can give you some tips on how to do this type of thing, if you want
3546732
Wrong.
It's not a story at all. There's no beginning, middle, or end. It's just a character sheet.
3546732 Geez! I just did this for fun. And as part of a bigger story I have planned for him. Besides, there are many bios out there on Fimfiction. So there was no need on going all "critic know-it-all" mode.
3546896 No thanks. I did it for fun. No need for tips. Still, thanks anyway for the offer.
3547099 Uhh... Duh! Of course it's not an actual story. It's a BIO. Drill it in your head! It's part a bigger story I have planned! Geez. It seems everypony are critics, nowadays.
3547113
Did you look at the rules? It specifically states:
3547107
Okay, mate
3547127 I read the rules. And the Moderate HIMSELF sent me a message APPROVING my OC's bio! I did this so peopple could understand the story I have planned to write later on, for Ceslestia's sake!!!
That being said, if you like it, read it. If not, then shut up and buck it!
3547140 No problem. Say, I get that it's not an actual story. It's part of a bigger plan! But, c'mon. It's not that bad, is it? I created it all by myself, without anyone's help and it took me a few days to come up with it. So, I think it's pretty well done, if I do says so myself.
3547166
It's the character himself, do you know what a Gary Stu is? He's just too perfect in his personality and abilities, not to mention that he's an alicorn; the most hated type of OC.
3547152
Actually, you could easily tell his backstory in the actual story and put your character sheet on your profile as a blog. Not everyone who reads this is going to read your actual story, and not everyone who reads the story will read this.
Also Slip Kid & Ficus are right: your character is a Stu. His name is unique and nowhere near being a pony name, he has abilities that are OP, his cutie mark is way too flashy, and he's an alicorn (which people around here DESPISE). He sounds utterly perfect, which is nice to you, but boring and annoying to the audience.
He feels way too flashy to be a good MLP character. All the MLP characters are grounded for the most part - even though they have magic and can fly, they're still ordinary-sounding. You've got an athlete, a bookworm, a dependable farmhand. All those are people you could meet in real life. Leon, on the other hand, is a badass Japanese-sounding guy with ridiculous powers and a tragic backstory. There's a big difference there.
When making a good OC, the idea is to carefully mold them into the confines of canon. One of my two OC's is a simple photographer (the other is a writer). Both ordinary ponies. Though I did use one in an adventure fic where she was part of a cult, but that was due to laziness in creating characters and not in an attempt to spice her up or make her cooler.
And just because you took a while to come up with this and you did it all by yourself - which, don't get me wrong, is very admirable - doesn't automatically make it good. I've taken days to come up with ideas and even with help I've found that they're absolute garbage so I delete them and start over.
Good ideas take time, lots and lots of time. My most recent fic I've been trying to figure out for quite a while. It wasn't until I was watching a show that I realised how I could do it, and a friend helped me hammer out a few important things in the fic's canon.
All I ask is that you look at Leon some more, give him a proppa pony name, and rewrite him a bit to make him less Stuish. You don't need to delete this fic. In fact, do quite the opposite - keep it so that one day you can look back and go "Yeah! I'm doing so much better now!" That's all I ask.
3547259Okay, okay. I get it. *sigh* I'll read it over and think of new ideas. But, for now, this one will stay as it is until those ideas pop-up, alright? Any suggestions, by the way?
3547259 Also, first, I don't get why people despise Alicorn OC's. But, I can bend a bit and make him a Unicorn. Like his parents were.
3547341
Hm. I'd say give him one decent ability (like suspended animation), and build his cutie mark around that one ability. Also cut the wings out and make him a unicorn. If you're keen on keeping the Japanese stuff, try naming him and his family after Japanese words instead of using actual names.
And people hate Alicorns because they're too powerful. They can do anything the other species can do and more. Not to mention originally there was only meant to be two alicorns, but Hasbro intervened and that's why we have Princess Can-Dance and Twilicorn.
There's also a stigma because too many awful writers have made an edgy, tormented super OP red-and-black alicorn OC who bangs all the mane six and half the background ponies.
Even before getting into the story, you've already made a Gary Stu wish fulfilment character that's been seen a million times all over fiction. He's already too cliched to be entertaining, so my advice would be to scrap everything and wrote something else.
Ground your characters in reality, and when assigning a trait to him if you are doing it 'because it makes him cooler' then seriously consider a different reason.
That's it! This is the LAST comment I reply to! I'm tired of all being critics!!!
I'm not answering comments anymore!! And I would appreciate that, in the future, someone has critics or complains, if they keep them to themselves!!!
3549299
That's not how things works here.
You post something here, you're subjected to critics. You don't want critics ? Don't post.
3549473 I know. I know. I just needed to let it out, you know? I was just a little stressed.
Good!
3553837 Thanks!!!
"12/10 would read again" -IGN
3555824Wow! Gee, thanks!!
I finally looked at your OC for your story, and their are a few rules I want you to correct, at least. And their are others that are to perfect, you need to change, or I will.
For the rules of SE vs NLR are:
1) No alicorns. Either a Pegasus or Unicorn. It's not that I hate alicorns, I just think it isn't fair for others.
2) Just...Leo. Leon sounds to perfect.
3) The cutie mark is really well made, but unrealistic to other ponies or pony world, something simple, please?
4) Luchia has more potential on making it in than your OC. She sound more like a Pegasus to me, but a unicorn mostly. Sound like your OC sister might make it in.
5) Your story is more of a Cliché, and rather a boring type of story. Sorta made me wish that I hadn't read this. Not being mean, but make it a bit more interesting.
6) The only thing you might have on your cutie mark, being fair, is the Blue Moon and Silver Shield. Other than that, it's beyond being fair to others.
7) Dark magic? Ancient Magic? Modern Magic? Your kidding right? It's either on or the other. Can't have all three. He ain't the chosen one.
8) Yuki sounds like a sister that has been asked out to the dance more times than God can count the humans on earth. She's physically stronger than Luchesi (Or whatever), but her magic sucks. That sounds like an OC.
Other than that, very thankful, I will be adding your sisters, your choice on the side, but pick a species, make him sound at least a little imperfect, and I will allow him on the story. Okay? And I'm glad we can get out the bad stuff, now the good stuff.
1) Your OC is nice and dependable, and your backstory is okay, but a little boring.
2) Leo is the only one that made it? Da fudge...when did this happen?
3) Looks awesome. Your OC reminds me of the terminator.
4) Japanese? Y u no Asian? Naw, I'm joking. But seriously, Y?
5) And last, but not least, your bio is wonderful. It's very thought out, it probably took you a couple of days or weeks to think of this. I love all the thought you put into it, and I'm very surprised, but work on the few bugs and hit good, k?
Other than that, I hope to see your OC soon!