Every name has a story behind it. Every story has it's beginnings. But what's a story without a main character? And who is that character? Ah! This and other questions, my friends, is what this story seeks to answer. For this story, is the prlude of much bigger events.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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That's not a story about ponies, at all.
It's just a big info dump about the Gary Stu self-insert of the author, without a lot of common ground with the base material of the show. And I don't care at all about him.
He don't have a pony name, he don't have a pony backstory, he don't have a real cutie mark ( it's way too over-designed to be credible ) and he don't look like a pony from the show ( avoid pony creator image when making an OC, it don't look natural at all and is a proof of bad quality ).
I'm sorry, but I have to agree with FicusCat, this is just an info dump about a character with all of the traits of a Gary Stu. I can give you some tips on how to do this type of thing, if you want
3546732
Wrong.
It's not a story at all. There's no beginning, middle, or end. It's just a character sheet.
3546732 Geez! I just did this for fun. And as part of a bigger story I have planned for him. Besides, there are many bios out there on Fimfiction. So there was no need on going all "critic know-it-all" mode.
3546896 No thanks. I did it for fun. No need for tips. Still, thanks anyway for the offer.
3547099 Uhh... Duh! Of course it's not an actual story. It's a BIO. Drill it in your head! It's part a bigger story I have planned! Geez. It seems everypony are critics, nowadays.
3547113
Did you look at the rules? It specifically states:
3547107
Okay, mate
3547127 I read the rules. And the Moderate HIMSELF sent me a message APPROVING my OC's bio! I did this so peopple could understand the story I have planned to write later on, for Ceslestia's sake!!!
That being said, if you like it, read it. If not, then shut up and buck it!
3547140 No problem. Say, I get that it's not an actual story. It's part of a bigger plan! But, c'mon. It's not that bad, is it? I created it all by myself, without anyone's help and it took me a few days to come up with it. So, I think it's pretty well done, if I do says so myself.
3547166
It's the character himself, do you know what a Gary Stu is? He's just too perfect in his personality and abilities, not to mention that he's an alicorn; the most hated type of OC.
3547152
Actually, you could easily tell his backstory in the actual story and put your character sheet on your profile as a blog. Not everyone who reads this is going to read your actual story, and not everyone who reads the story will read this.
Also Slip Kid & Ficus are right: your character is a Stu. His name is unique and nowhere near being a pony name, he has abilities that are OP, his cutie mark is way too flashy, and he's an alicorn (which people around here DESPISE). He sounds utterly perfect, which is nice to you, but boring and annoying to the audience.
He feels way too flashy to be a good MLP character. All the MLP characters are grounded for the most part - even though they have magic and can fly, they're still ordinary-sounding. You've got an athlete, a bookworm, a dependable farmhand. All those are people you could meet in real life. Leon, on the other hand, is a badass Japanese-sounding guy with ridiculous powers and a tragic backstory. There's a big difference there.
When making a good OC, the idea is to carefully mold them into the confines of canon. One of my two OC's is a simple photographer (the other is a writer). Both ordinary ponies. Though I did use one in an adventure fic where she was part of a cult, but that was due to laziness in creating characters and not in an attempt to spice her up or make her cooler.
And just because you took a while to come up with this and you did it all by yourself - which, don't get me wrong, is very admirable - doesn't automatically make it good. I've taken days to come up with ideas and even with help I've found that they're absolute garbage so I delete them and start over.
Good ideas take time, lots and lots of time. My most recent fic I've been trying to figure out for quite a while. It wasn't until I was watching a show that I realised how I could do it, and a friend helped me hammer out a few important things in the fic's canon.
All I ask is that you look at Leon some more, give him a proppa pony name, and rewrite him a bit to make him less Stuish. You don't need to delete this fic. In fact, do quite the opposite - keep it so that one day you can look back and go "Yeah! I'm doing so much better now!" That's all I ask.
3547259Okay, okay. I get it. *sigh* I'll read it over and think of new ideas. But, for now, this one will stay as it is until those ideas pop-up, alright? Any suggestions, by the way?
3547259 Also, first, I don't get why people despise Alicorn OC's. But, I can bend a bit and make him a Unicorn. Like his parents were.
3547341
Hm. I'd say give him one decent ability (like suspended animation), and build his cutie mark around that one ability. Also cut the wings out and make him a unicorn. If you're keen on keeping the Japanese stuff, try naming him and his family after Japanese words instead of using actual names.
And people hate Alicorns because they're too powerful. They can do anything the other species can do and more. Not to mention originally there was only meant to be two alicorns, but Hasbro intervened and that's why we have Princess Can-Dance and Twilicorn.
There's also a stigma because too many awful writers have made an edgy, tormented super OP red-and-black alicorn OC who bangs all the mane six and half the background ponies.
Even before getting into the story, you've already made a Gary Stu wish fulfilment character that's been seen a million times all over fiction. He's already too cliched to be entertaining, so my advice would be to scrap everything and wrote something else.
Ground your characters in reality, and when assigning a trait to him if you are doing it 'because it makes him cooler' then seriously consider a different reason.
That's it! This is the LAST comment I reply to! I'm tired of all being critics!!!
I'm not answering comments anymore!! And I would appreciate that, in the future, someone has critics or complains, if they keep them to themselves!!!
3549299
That's not how things works here.
You post something here, you're subjected to critics. You don't want critics ? Don't post.
3549473 I know. I know. I just needed to let it out, you know? I was just a little stressed.
Good!
3553837 Thanks!!!
"12/10 would read again" -IGN
3555824Wow! Gee, thanks!!
I finally looked at your OC for your story, and their are a few rules I want you to correct, at least. And their are others that are to perfect, you need to change, or I will.
For the rules of SE vs NLR are:
1) No alicorns. Either a Pegasus or Unicorn. It's not that I hate alicorns, I just think it isn't fair for others.
2) Just...Leo. Leon sounds to perfect.
3) The cutie mark is really well made, but unrealistic to other ponies or pony world, something simple, please?
4) Luchia has more potential on making it in than your OC. She sound more like a Pegasus to me, but a unicorn mostly. Sound like your OC sister might make it in.
5) Your story is more of a Cliché, and rather a boring type of story. Sorta made me wish that I hadn't read this. Not being mean, but make it a bit more interesting.
6) The only thing you might have on your cutie mark, being fair, is the Blue Moon and Silver Shield. Other than that, it's beyond being fair to others.
7) Dark magic? Ancient Magic? Modern Magic? Your kidding right? It's either on or the other. Can't have all three. He ain't the chosen one.
8) Yuki sounds like a sister that has been asked out to the dance more times than God can count the humans on earth. She's physically stronger than Luchesi (Or whatever), but her magic sucks. That sounds like an OC.
Other than that, very thankful, I will be adding your sisters, your choice on the side, but pick a species, make him sound at least a little imperfect, and I will allow him on the story. Okay? And I'm glad we can get out the bad stuff, now the good stuff.
1) Your OC is nice and dependable, and your backstory is okay, but a little boring.
2) Leo is the only one that made it? Da fudge...when did this happen?
3) Looks awesome. Your OC reminds me of the terminator.
4) Japanese? Y u no Asian? Naw, I'm joking. But seriously, Y?
5) And last, but not least, your bio is wonderful. It's very thought out, it probably took you a couple of days or weeks to think of this. I love all the thought you put into it, and I'm very surprised, but work on the few bugs and hit good, k?
Other than that, I hope to see your OC soon!
3671772 I understand. Use Leon's sisters as you wish. BUT!!! I'm sorry but I'm not changing neither the name, Cutie Mark or the story of my OC. By the way, did you read the second chapter or just stoped after the first?
good story and oc but you should explain how the clan was killed off
Well, after taking a look at your story here, mate, I am sorry to say this, but I think your viewers are right.
There have been problems in the past with Alicorn OC's, because their perfection makes it difficult for them to be given character development, or any qualities that readers can associate with. For example, my OC is an anthro-pegasus who likes to have fun and make others laugh with his bizarre way of life, which most people can relate to because, well, most people out there just don't give a fuck what others think of them so long as they are happy.
There isn't really anything I can say that someone here hasn't said already. You should look back through your work and make the improvements as suggested by some of these people. But don't think I'm putting you down here! I'm putting you over there.
There we go.
Now, don't think for a second that I'm saying you're a bad writer. You have a good idea, but you presented it...awkwardly. Making some adjustments, and perhaps listening to your audience, will help you to make the story appealing. Writing is not easy - any expert story-teller will tell you that, and a great tale does not just come together in a single night. It takes and requires time and dedication to build it piece by piece, before you have something truly amazing.
You need to listen to your audience. They are not all trying to put you down for your effort, they are offering advice and helpful opinions, and you should not push those aside - listen to them, and use what they say to help your story improve.
If you don't listen to your audience, then you're not being much of a writer. A writer should compliment his or her readers by taking the time and energy to hear out their thoughts and suggestions.
That is all I can say for your story. Give it a makeover, friend.
- UniqueSKD
24/05/14- Toe veryone that reads this, I made changes in the story. I changed a few names and changed a fewe facts and events. So, if anypony is interested and reads it again, then tell me what you think of tha changes. Also, new readers are welocme to leave thair comments here. One of the changes it that I tuned Leon's power down, as it was suggested by some users (find them on the comments). I thought of what they said and, alotugh I'm not too fond of admiting it, they were right. I overpowered him. I mean, if he already has all the power and knowledge, what's left to learn? What's the fun in that? I realized that the power, if he gains more, should come gradualy, through the challenges that life (or me, in this case) throws at him.
I came back to this when I found it on Plan 9 from Equestria 2. You deleted my comments. Just putting that out there.