Rainbow Dash swears that she likes stallions, a;though a lot of evidence points to her being a fillyfooler. Will Rainbow admit her affection for a certain bookworm mare?
Not the worst I've ever read. Pretty good overall for a first attempt. Would've preferred detail over authors comments though throughout the story. Remember, detail is your best friend.
Oh yeah, I'll be watching this too. Would like to see where it goes.
Sometimes I scan the new stories box here and there, picking out something randomly. I was delighted to see a Twidash story, after all, they are my main topic of choice.
However, there was a lot of issues in this "story."
1. I understand what you were trying to do with the whole Scootaloo thing, but that idea and then the little conversation between Rainbow and Rarity didn't seem to connect at all. It was like 2 random ideas squashed together, and it didn't work well.
2. Don't use "xxxxxx" in the story to space out parts. There is an option for page breaks, I'd highly recommend using this instead. Makes it look much better.
3. You need to space out your quotes better. For example...
"Aww shut up DT, I don't got time for you today..." Scootaloo mumbled. "What was that chicken? I'm sorry I don't speak your langua-" she was cut off by Sweetie, who came right in front of her face and glared.
Should be...
"Aww shut up DT, I don't got time for you today..." Scootaloo mumbled.
"What was that chicken? I'm sorry I don't speak your langua-"
She was cut off by Sweetie, who came right in front of her face and glared.
This makes the story easier to read overall. Bunching up dialogue like that can make it difficult to distinguish who is saying and doing something.
4. Slow down with your writing! You basically told us the main plot of the story in under 1000 words. Expand on your descriptions, and let the story flow and stretch out on its own. Put some emphasis into things, like the scenery or how a character might be feeling in a specific situation.
You don't need to rush into things. Make it into a story people will want to read and will enjoy reading. Right now it seems jumbled and needs a lot of work. (Your spelling was good, thank you for that ).
5. Eliminate any hesitancy in your description. Re-write it to be eye catching while also doing a good job to explain what the story is about, without giving anything away. So what if it's Twidash? 9/11 of all my stories are Twidash And I'm still writing about them.
Most of all be confident in your writing, as corny as it sounds.
3541223 I wasn't being mean at all. I just explained out some of the problems. I have this on my read later list, as I'm interesting to see how this improves over time.
3541236 Thank you for the constructive criticism, I will admit that this was rushed.(I was in starbucks with my laptop waiting for someone lol) But yeah I will definitely work on it.
Okay, so I know this is your first fic and all, but I'm going to be honest and try to give some constructive criticism here.
In short, this needs work. First thing I recommend is finding an editor/proofreader to help you go over what you write and develop it so it can shine and to help get rid of those pesky little typos that we all tend to make (eg: "Cherilee" is spelled "Cheerilee"). Second, slow down. What you covered in the span of a little over 1k words could easily be flushed out to span a few 2-3k chapters. For example, that thing with Diamond Tiara and Sweetie went by way to fast to the extent that we couldn't see any development between the two from enemies to friends. What were they thinking? What were they feeling? Why would Diamond Tiara suddenly accept Sweetie's offer for friendship and why would Cheerilee grant a foal permission to jump over a building? And why on earth would Sweetie know that spell?
I agree with basically everything DJRD said up there, so take it to heart. None of this is meant to be an attack, but just writers helping writers. Just a couple other things in specific I want to point out...
xxxxxxxxxx (She gave DT a dick if your wondering, but I didn't wanna get all descriptive in the 1st chapter, that would ruin all the fun)
...Why wouldn't you get descriptive in the first chapter? There is a fine line between showing and telling, but you don't seem to have a grasp on that quite yet (which is fine, you're just starting out). This is a mature clopfic according to the tags, so don't be afraid to describe in some degree that Diamond Tiara has just spouted a dick. Also, how much older are these foals from the show? I'm assuming they're a might bit older, but you should be clear. Also, it's generally bad practice to break the 4th wall like that in your narrative. It takes the reader away from what is written and is kinda frustrating.
"If its not too much trouble, I was wondering if you could pick up Scootaloo from school for me and bring her to the boutique...I need to speak with her"
So... did you mean Scootaloo here? Why would Rarity want to talk with Scoots? I is confused
Alright then! First off, I'm glad to see that a few people have been polite and helpful. It's great when the community can come together like that. I'm also glad to be able to plainly see that the advice given has been heeded. Even so, there are a few things to be improved. This story is not bad, but things can always be better. Look out for little things like accidentally using the wrong (your/you're) or (there/their/they're). Also, in the future, try to really expand ideas. Show some more character interactions, for one. When Diamond and Sweetie got locked in the back room, alone together, I was half expecting them to give in to lust and have their way for a bit. This is marked as a clopfic, after all. Even though that wasn't the case, they could've talked some more. According to one of the comments, the two of them became friends. When did that even happen? I didn't notice it at all.
I may have dragged on there. I tend to digress. My point is, this could stand to improve some more. I'll be watching it, and you, because I want to know how your writing goes.
Not the worst I've ever read. Pretty good overall for a first attempt. Would've preferred detail over authors comments though throughout the story. Remember, detail is your best friend.
Oh yeah, I'll be watching this too. Would like to see where it goes.
Sometimes I scan the new stories box here and there, picking out something randomly. I was delighted to see a Twidash story, after all, they are my main topic of choice.
However, there was a lot of issues in this "story."
1. I understand what you were trying to do with the whole Scootaloo thing, but that idea and then the little conversation between Rainbow and Rarity didn't seem to connect at all. It was like 2 random ideas squashed together, and it didn't work well.
2. Don't use "xxxxxx" in the story to space out parts. There is an option for page breaks, I'd highly recommend using this instead. Makes it look much better.
3. You need to space out your quotes better. For example...
Should be...
This makes the story easier to read overall. Bunching up dialogue like that can make it difficult to distinguish who is saying and doing something.
4. Slow down with your writing!
You basically told us the main plot of the story in under 1000 words. Expand on your descriptions, and let the story flow and stretch out on its own. Put some emphasis into things, like the scenery or how a character might be feeling in a specific situation.
You don't need to rush into things. Make it into a story people will want to read and will enjoy reading. Right now it seems jumbled and needs a lot of work. (Your spelling was good, thank you for that
).
5. Eliminate any hesitancy in your description. Re-write it to be eye catching while also doing a good job to explain what the story is about, without giving anything away. So what if it's Twidash? 9/11 of all my stories are Twidash
And I'm still writing about them.
Most of all be confident in your writing, as corny as it sounds.![:twilightsmile:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/twilightsmile.png)
DJRD
3541186 at least I tried to be nice to a first time writer...
But unfortunately he is correct. Please take time to look over for mistakes and such.
3541223 I wasn't being mean at all. I just explained out some of the problems. I have this on my read later list, as I'm interesting to see how this improves over time.
3541236 I just put it on my watch. I never read my read later list. Currently got 50 something in there.(lol)
Perhaps I should have used different wording?
3541246 I got 100 lol. Some people have thousands.
And no worries.![:twilightsmile:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/twilightsmile.png)
3541236
Thank you for the constructive criticism, I will admit that this was rushed.(I was in starbucks with my laptop waiting for someone lol) But yeah I will definitely work on it.
3541246
Thanks for the advice, I'll take it into account when I make the next chapter.
That'll take a while....
3541312
It'll be worth it trust me, besides I have a lot to work on as far as my writing goes...
so, with all of the constructive criticism being given, are you planning on going back and re-doing this chapter?
Okay, so I know this is your first fic and all, but I'm going to be honest and try to give some constructive criticism here.
In short, this needs work. First thing I recommend is finding an editor/proofreader to help you go over what you write and develop it so it can shine and to help get rid of those pesky little typos that we all tend to make (eg: "Cherilee" is spelled "Cheerilee"). Second, slow down. What you covered in the span of a little over 1k words could easily be flushed out to span a few 2-3k chapters. For example, that thing with Diamond Tiara and Sweetie went by way to fast to the extent that we couldn't see any development between the two from enemies to friends. What were they thinking? What were they feeling? Why would Diamond Tiara suddenly accept Sweetie's offer for friendship and why would Cheerilee grant a foal permission to jump over a building? And why on earth would Sweetie know that spell?
I agree with basically everything DJRD said up there, so take it to heart. None of this is meant to be an attack, but just writers helping writers. Just a couple other things in specific I want to point out...
...Why wouldn't you get descriptive in the first chapter? There is a fine line between showing and telling, but you don't seem to have a grasp on that quite yet (which is fine, you're just starting out). This is a mature clopfic according to the tags, so don't be afraid to describe in some degree that Diamond Tiara has just spouted a dick. Also, how much older are these foals from the show? I'm assuming they're a might bit older, but you should be clear. Also, it's generally bad practice to break the 4th wall like that in your narrative. It takes the reader away from what is written and is kinda frustrating.
So... did you mean Scootaloo here? Why would Rarity want to talk with Scoots? I is confused![:rainbowhuh:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/rainbowhuh.png)
The 1st chapter has been updated! Enjoy!
minus the fact that this is based on a centered format, it's not bad. it's also kinda fast paced, so i'd suggest maybe slowing it down.
Alright then! First off, I'm glad to see that a few people have been polite and helpful. It's great when the community can come together like that. I'm also glad to be able to plainly see that the advice given has been heeded. Even so, there are a few things to be improved. This story is not bad, but things can always be better. Look out for little things like accidentally using the wrong (your/you're) or (there/their/they're). Also, in the future, try to really expand ideas. Show some more character interactions, for one. When Diamond and Sweetie got locked in the back room, alone together, I was half expecting them to give in to lust and have their way for a bit. This is marked as a clopfic, after all. Even though that wasn't the case, they could've talked some more. According to one of the comments, the two of them became friends. When did that even happen? I didn't notice it at all.
I may have dragged on there. I tend to digress. My point is, this could stand to improve some more. I'll be watching it, and you, because I want to know how your writing goes.