this really does have a lot of potential, but it needs to be fleshed out more. everything is kind of two-dimensional at this point.

3557615
I don't really understand...

3558227 it's kinda hard to explain. there doesn't seem to be a lot of in-depth character growth, scenery creation, or showing dialogue. so far, the characters kinda act like they're actors, saying the lines without the inner thoughts that would normally go along with them. with the scenery, there were a couple of instances where you could have built up the stage, but instead went with just a skim over. and by showing dialogue, i meant having them say want you want them to say, but also including a description of what gestures they are doing, faces they are making, or feelings they are experiencing, when they are talking. it's the difference between watching two statues have a conversation, and actually be able to imagine what they look like when they are conversing. don't get me wrong, i usually leave this up to the professionals-the guys and gals who do this shit all the time-but i felt that this had a whole lot of potential, and so i added in my two cents.

3558252
Ohh...things are starting to become more clearer in my head...

3562247 well at least i managed to do something right.

3562249
Lol I'll work on it in my next chapter. I really appreciate the constructive criticism

3562290 not a problem. although i do suggest maybe teaming up with an editor who's more experienced than i am. they can go over your story and give you specific examples of how something could be improved.

3562319
Your not the first person to tell me that, but I don't really know where to look...

3562370

try this on for size.

3562402
Thank you so much!

3562436 no problem! i always do what i can to help.

I'm seeing things like "i'll", "t.he", and improper "your" just glancing back at the end. Also, it's not clear where "SPIKE!!!" was supposed to be coming from. Was it Twilight? Was it a new character? Did the Rainboom just make a really weird noise?

This is a very slight improvement from the first chapter, albeit short. If you've found a proofreader, that's great. I'm sure they'll be able to offer some helpful advice. If you're still looking, I'd be happy to pre-read for you. Message me about it if you'd like.

3738248
Sounds great, your a great help.