The Desert of Dunes (re write 09/11/18) Chapter 2
Alex awoke to the soft laps of water on sand. He sat up and hazily looked around. He was on the shore of a muddy pool of water with a couple cat tails in the water and was sourounded by palm trees. Around the small area where he sat was sand and a small but deep stream that ended at the pool of water. Alex put his hands in his hair sand and dirt sticking to the wet hair. He let out a sigh of relief before realization hit him and he backed away from the waters edge shock over taking him. "Where am I?" Alex shouted out as he inched away from the shore his water logged clothes geting covered in mud. He reached back to try to get away from the water when his hand touched something soft, wet and hairy. Alex jumped up and looked at this new gross attacker. There, in all it's glory was a dead royal guard. "HOLY FUCKING SWEET BUTTERY BABY JESUS TAP DANCING CHRIST!" Screamed Alex as he looked into the eyes of a blue faced, gold armor wearing pony shaped corpse. Out of instinct Alex reached for his gun and pointed it at the guard before he mentally slapped himself and realized it was pointless. It was dead. Like really dead, the head was canted at an odd angle and the Eyes bulged out of it’s head and flies swarmed it’s mouthAlex turned away and upheaved nothing his stomach long since empty. he began to hum to him self to try to calm down, he needed to assess the situation. "Okay, okay" Alex whispered to himself. "Lets see...number one figure out what you have and how useful it is, step two is there any thing of use, step three walk away, step four try not to barf...shit, failed that rule of survival” He said to himself. As he heaved again. The smell of dead wet horse was pungent, on him and in the air. This was going to be a long day.
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Twilight sparkle was sitting in her living room reading a book on pears a, strange foreign fruit from across equestria that no one really talked about for some reason. A piercing knock caught her attention as she heard the clang of the horse shoes bang the oak door. The pony fourowed her brow and kept reading. Who ever it was is probably going to leave a dent in the door. She hated when people just used her stuff like that. The knock came a second time. More urgent this time and louder. Twilight gave up and got off her haunches and walked over to the door "Come in" she says casually as she reached the door and opened and in one step. She promptly bowed her head and smiled. “Princess Celestia! How are you! What brings you here? I haven’t seen you in so long! Is every thing Alright?” she trailed off noticing the princess had a grim look with her ears flat, tears welled In her eyes before she spoke.
“Twilight. My brave little pony...your..your big brother died today....” celestia Stammers choking back tears. “H-he was killed by a monster in canterlot. They found a lead ball in his heart...the monster somehow threw it through his armor.
Twilight laughed, “That’s not a very funny joke princess. BBBFF isn’t dead, he Is the Captain of the guard! He’s is young! He’s trained for this you can’t trick me like this! It’s a cruel joke...right?...princess..shiny isn’t ...dead” she whimpers trialing off as the princess looks down with out saying anything.
“Twilight I’m not playing a joke on you..I’m sorry my little pony but Shining armor....passed away. I need you to come to canterlot with me I’m sorry for your loss. It Hurts me deeply, but equstra is in danger I need you and the rest of the elements. Come with me please. I’ll have the rest of the elements brought as well in a few days.” She says looking down at twilight, she slowly wraps her wings around her as the two start to cry.
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Alex looked down at the pile before him. There was his shoes and trench coat that along with the rest of his clothes were drying by a small fire. He dug around in his messenger bag and retived his gun and the soggy cardboard box that contained 13 rounds. He took out his lunch which was now just a soggy sandwich and two cans of soda. He had his aluminum water bottle which contained now cold coffe. A half eaten chocolate bar and some spare change. He groaned looking at the measly pile before taking out his pocket knife and lighter tossing it into the pile he grins seeing the lighter again and began to search around in his coat’s pockets. He retrieved what he was looking for almost gleefully, his cigarettes. His smile faded immediately as brown water dripped from the package into the sand. He opened it hoping for the best but all that was Inside was a big slurry of Tabbaco and paper. “God Fucking Damn it!” Alex yelled as he threw them into the water. The box bobbed on the surface for a few seconds before sinking like a ship. Alex sighed watching it as it slipped under the surface. He took out his phone and opened it one last time dialing 911 knowing it was pointless. He turned it off and looked at his reflection in the obsidian black screen. As the 92% charge faded into black. Placing the phone down in the sand he held up his consolation prize, the sword and leg cuffs from the horse thing. Alex bent over and put all his things that weren’t drying away in his bag. He then stood up and leaned against a palm tree waiting for the last of his clothes to dry. He played around with the the belt from the dead pony. He slidthe sheath that was attached to a spot that would work for a human. Alex extended it fully and made a new hole with his knife and wrapped it around his waist finding it would fit just fine. Alex adjusted the straps on the leg guards and attached them to his arms and legs. Ugh to himself for a few seconds and threw them on the ground. “That’s a fucking stupid idea”. He kicked it before groaning a bit and looking out at the desert. He paused setting his gaze back to the now looted corpse. "Okay I give up, I'll bury you" said Alex in a huff as he picked up its chest plate and began to dig a shallow grave in the soft sand.
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Three hours later
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Ruby Wings landed in the sand around the small pond, looking around with the rest of her squad. She scanned the beach and made her way over to a fire pit, examining the smoldering chunks of wood. "Keep your eyes peeled it might have survived the fall." Said the squad leader walking away towards a glint in the sand. “I found some leg guards!” She shouted excitedly
"Ma'am I found a chest plate" said a private
"What does it look like?” she asked hopping it wasn't the creature.
"It appears to be on a grave" the private declared. “And it looks like it’s foxtrots!”
Ruby walked over to the private and looked at what he was talking about. There in front of her was a discarded royal guard chest plate and a stick coming out of the ground. On top of the stick was a dented royal guard helmet scratched into the helmet was Zde leží kurva tvář.
Ruby wings turned toward the private and sighed "Go get a recovery team we found are MIA."
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Alex walked over the next dune. Sweat beading on his head as he looked around out over the vast desert. There was nothing but sand for as far as the eye could see. occasionally a rock formation but it was a sea of sand. There was nothing out here. The only thisng that kept him goin goin was his quest to escape. So he went pushing forward, the sword heavy on his hip as he headed towards the rocks. Hoping for a desperatly needed bit of shade to get away from the sun bearing down on him.
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The next day
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Every news paper in all of Equestria showed the smiling picture of Shining Armor and the picture of Private Fox Trots grave. Cantorlot was in an up roar. News that the creature had escaped scared every pony. Mass search party's combed the desert for even a hint of where it was. Little did they know the desert was not kind to ponies. Wind and heat and the ever changing sands made foot steps impossible to find. It was hopeless to find it out there in the desert so after three days of searching led by the elements of harmony themselves. The hunt for the creature was given up. Every pony hoped it died out in the desert. How wrong they were.
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Alex sat on top of a sand dune his sword in his lap. He took out his pocket knife and scratched the name Lexi into it. Alex then returned the knife to his pocket where he had forgot about it. Then standing up downed the last of the water in his thermos. He put his foot out and began to continue his trek into the desert he knew where he was headed now: an odd sand colored bubble about 6 miles out. He knew he could make it, if he didn't well guess Those strange horse things friends would find him dead. As Alex walked he did not see the black dots go zooming by over head.
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Queen Chrysalis sat on her throne, a rather bored look on her face. She batted at a strand of hair on her forehead to pass the time. Looking up at the throne rooms grand expanse in the heart of her hive. She mulled over the idea of a glass of wine with her dinner tonight. When all the sudden a drone came rushing in. The small thing was panting and wheezing. Barely able to stand.
"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS EXPLAIN YOURSELF AT ONCE" Screamed the queen in a shrill vice that pierced into even the toughest of drones very soul. She winced internally as the loud shriek echoed a few times.
"M-My queen I have travelled for three days to bring you news!" Stammered the drone. “I-I am drone 47 of flight squadron 23 stationed in canterlot underground observation post 3”
"We'll spit it out before I have you beheaded"sighed the Queen leaning back in the throne. Mentally thanking him for bringing her something to do.
"Captain Shinning armor is dead!" Blurts the drone excitement filling his voice.
"Dead?"asked the Queen now leaning forwards in her seat to get a closer look at the drone.
"He was murdered."States the drone getting his breathing under control. “He was killed by a monster!”
" By a monster?” Questioned Chrysalis propping her head up on a hoof.
"Yes my queen. It walks on two legs and stands far taller than any pony.” the drone said calmly
"Drone 47-23-3 where is this monster right now?"cooed the Queen feeling giddy to know that the equestrians finally got what they deserved.
"It escaped into the dessert my queen and could be anywhere.” Stated the drone. “Before I left I heard the equestrians had called off the search for it.”
Chrysalis nods trying to look sagely. Very well. You are dismissed! Flight captain come here! I want all squadrons available scrambled to intercept the monster. Befriend it. I want to meet our new friend” the Queen cackles as the sound of scrambling hooves echo in the room and orders are barked. She sat back and grinned signaling a drone over. “I want a glass of wine please~ something...very nice and red”
“M-my Queen....we only have white wine right now..” whimpers the drone.
“Oh..well then a glass of white wine will do all the same” she mutters before going back to thinking of a way to welcome her new guest.
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Alex was at the bottom of a sand dune. The heat making him wilt, his tounge felt dry and patchy as he dug his hand she into the sand to crawl up the dune, when he heard the same voice from the fall speak up.
"Alex" flowed the voice
"Who said that!" yelled Alex, drawing his gun in a daze waving it around.
"I did Alex, I'm in your head, I'm part of you now." Cooed the voice.
"Wait a second your that thing that saved me when I was falling" Alex pointed out. “AND YOUR IN MY HEAD GET OUT NOW!” He yells putting the gunto his head.
"I am that "thing" I prefer Nightmare Moon but you can call me Night, and I strongly recommend you do not kill yourself because I cannot leave your head with out a better host.” Said Night sternly
"How about I call you Moon." Stated Alex taking the gun away from his head. As he sat his butt down into the sand.
"No" Stated Night
"Okay moon, well I have some questions for you Like for starters how did you save me? slash become a part of me." Questioned The human as he dug around in his bag and tossed out the trash he had been lugging.
"Well my current host was weak and you, you are just different. Your spirt is far stronger and oh your will to DO AND GET DONE!"Shouted Night from inside Alex's head.
"LOUD! LOUD! INSIDE MY HEAD SCREAMING YOU FUCKING TUMOR." Yelled Alex in response to Nights verbal praise.
"Sorry" chuckled Night "I don't usually lose myself like that."
"Yea save it for the jury. Anyways did you physically change me in anyway can you like...read my thoughts?” Asked Alex a little concerned.
"Yes, your left eye is now navy blue, and no I cannot we are two minds in one body" Said Night casuals glossing over the big picture.
"WHAT" yelled Alex. Taking out his phone and looking into the camera. His sunburned face looked back and low and behold his left eye was now navy blue. "YOU MADE MY EYE CHANGE COLOR"screamed Alex. “H-HOW DID YOU DO THAT!?”
"Well I thought it was a fair trade off for saving you" Stated Night “it’s kind of the place I’m living right now, also magic, magic is not that hard to learn.
"Yea well that was my favorite left eye"huffed Alex crossing his arms.”and that’s bullshit! You gave my eye cancer or something!”
"You only have one left eye” pointed out Night
"That's why it was my favorite!" Yelled Alex
Nightmare moon didn’t even dignify him with a response as the entity watched what he was looking at
"Hey Night?" Asked Alex."What are those black dots coming toward us?"
"Take out your sword!" Screamed Night
“STOP YELLING IN MY HEAD!” He said brandishing his gun and sword.
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"Take out your sword" Yelled Night.
"You going to need more than a sword, here take this." hands him a mini-gun.
Very interesting. Just out of curiosity, you Czech?
"Where am I" said the scared man
Needs a question mark "Where am I?"
" BABY JEUS TAP"
Should be Jesus
"he needed to access the situation."
Assess the situation
" Said twilight calmly."
Capitalize Twilight
"Luna injured? said twilight concerned."
Same issue as above
"To Princess Twilight Sparkle
Your brother Shinning armor has passed away as of 4:50 this day. He was murdered by a creature he was chasing with the rest of the guard. His death is very tragic and we wish you well in this time of grief.
With our greatest respect
Cantorlot royal guard "
No offense here, but this seemed sort of short for a letter speaking of a guard Captains death. I would recommend re-writing this into something slightly different and not so emotionless, but it's your story.
"There was His shoes,"
You don't need to capitalize "His".
For this section, show don't tell could be used instead of listing out everything he had.
"3 cans of GREAT AID soda"
Three should be in word form unless dealing with high numbers (e.g. 1,786,394)
" a aluminum water bottle,"
An aluminum
" and his phone and lastly the sword and leg cuffs from "
There should only be one "and" in here. The rest would require commas
"Alex agusted"
Adjusted
"Ruby wings landed"
Wings needs to be capitalized as its part of her name
"she asked hopping"
Hoping. Hopping is jumping, only one "P" in hoping.
"except for the occasionally rock"
Occasional
"smiling picture of shining armor"
Shining Armour. Names get capitals, pony names get capitals in both areas (Ruby Wings, Fox Trot as opposed to Cheese sandwich or Blinkie pie)
" Every pony hoped"
Everypony should be one word, everyone vs everypony
"was headed now:"
Headed now;
"queen in a shrill vice "
Voice
"We'll spit it out"
Should be "Well" we'll refers to people as in "We"
"I did Alex, I'm in your head, I'm part of you now.
You forgot the hyphen at the end of that sentence (")
"DO AND GET DONE!"
This could be interpreted several ways. Get down, or get stuffdone.
Okay, other than everything I pointed out, I know I missed capitalizing one of Ruby Wings misspellings (Ruby wings to Ruby Wing) you still need to work on putting in commas. I could point out the areas where they should/could be but that would take a while.
I feel that the conversation between Alex and Nightmare Moon was a bit rushed and I'd recommend revising it. I would freak out if one of my eyes changed colour. This might just be me, but I viewed Queen Chrysalis as being arrogant and a bit two dimensional from what we've seen. Her characters opening appearance could use some work here.
I got the translations here if anyone's wondering;
Zde leží kurva tvář
Here lies the fucking face.
I'm unsure about what you were calling the sword "Lexi" is just English? Hmm.
I liked this chapter however, it was mostly focused on Alex's escape from the ponies and it could use some work, but its a necessary evil.
3919513 Thanks a ton oh and why he wrote "Lexi" will be revealed next chapter also I based the letter of the Vietnam war era letters where they informed you your loved one was dead. Sorry about the commas never been good with them. Well thanks editing it now.
3918470 don't forget the the seventeen bullets
3919539
Nah, I brought unlimited ammo cheat with me.
3921535 yea he felt pretty "blue" afterwards
3922606 YOU HACKER
3923435
Dr. Hax: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACKS!
Me: Ugh. . . *gets hit by a flying computer to the face*
3925412 *munches on sugar cookie in background.*
3926107
Dr. Hax: *ban hammer* HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACKS!
Me: *Banned for one week*
Here lies the fucking face
please update more
here lies the fuck face
here lies the bitching body? fucking maybe? also tvar is quite close to beast and creature, so maybe here lies the this fucking beast?
Sooo he has an eye patch? Also what's with the desert, I don't remembering seeing a desert on the equestrian map. The only desert that would be in Equestria would have to be the San Palomino Desert, about miles South-West from Canterlot.
... Get an editor. Go. Right now.
3919536 I'm with alpharius on the reveal to twi about her brother's death.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ScNNfyq3d_w
About 15 seconds in, that's how it's supposed to be done. It's one of the worst things a commander has to do. Someone died while I was overseas, and the commander was on a plane within 5 days headed to his families house, so yes, it does happen in the US army. I would assume that they would have either a lower officer doing this, or Tia herself, since it's a very high-ranking individual, and someone she is personally involved with.
This just feels like letting someone know their father died with a text.
. . .
I just got stage IV cancer. . .
. . .
Shit.
Ok enough I can't stand it...dude you really need to tone down on the perspective changes and at the same time your literally shoving things in my face which is constantly making me confused and making me not enjoy the story. I really suggest you get either a editor or edit your story up a bit to make it a bit more pleasant to us readers. I'll give it another read if you decide to change things up.
Too rushed. Bad grammar and Chrysalis is phyco bitch who kills her subjects, I don't like that.
Our*
Also get a editor for Christ sakes, or at least a pre-reader.
My fucking face!!! Dude that’s funny
Yay! More human + changeling fucks equestria story’s!
Great chapter
Dag nabbit...I want to read theses kinda stories where the main character and changelings team up and work together as they are quite unique with how rare they are but just like this one ya can never seem to find one that isn’t dead. It’s been 5 years since the last chapter was posted and thus leads to the conclusion it’s dead. It disappointing but I understand life likes to have different outcome for things. I hope to see this revived but I doubt it.
9739450
I agree! completely! the first story was better to begin with, no offense to the author of course, but I think authors should ASK those whom read their stories if we want a re write, ya'know?! I have the first story downloaded but don't remember the name! I can't find it! therefor I can't read it , shame to
9809515 aye it’s a shame but at las it is what it is.
9809743
Hello, my story isn’t dead just far in the back burner. If you would like I’ll make all the current chapters available but be aware they are poorly written, grammatically inconsistent and need lots of plot tweaks.
9890693 Ah I see but reason why we thought it dead due to the fact it’s been about 5 years since a re-edit was posted. I’d love to see these re-edits done however not entirely at the cost of pretty rushed/poor plot and so on chapters. Just give us chapters soon so we all stop thinking it’s dead please. And thanks for clearing that up.
9891197
I hate to be a bit of a dick but if you check the chapter title it says it was updated about a year ago. Each update is adding about 1000 words and a bit better grammar. I hope the wait will be worth it in the end.