It Begins...
Blockhead in Ponyville
Author's note: This is my first fanfic, so enjoy. Everyone knows that I own neither My Little Pony, nor Blockhead. This is a parody.
An explosion of blue sparks broke the silence that had filled the clearing. Standing atop scorched ground in the bright grassy clearing, a tall, yellow man argued with the air. "Of course I put them in the microwave! They were so cold, I thought it could have been hypo... hypo-hernia!" he yelled defensively, arms gesturing violently.
Anypony passing by the clearing that bright morning would have thought the strange man was talking to himself, but then a voice - a real voice- responded. The voice did not seem to have a body, or any distinct origin, but it was without a doubt a real voice.
"Thermia," he corrected, tired frustration in his voice. He had been cursed to follow this Blockhead for as long as he could remember. His consciousness simply existed wherever the strange person wandered. Today the strange person had put metal tongs in a microwave, and, after a moment of the torturous smell of burning plastic and the ear-shattering screeches of a smoke detector, transported himself to a picnic area with open space as far as the eye could see, save a handful of apple trees.
"No thanks," the yellow man responded, "I'm not hungry." He smiled.
"I don't even know what that-"
"Besides, man-lump, they deserve to be happy! They-"
"No. Tongs are not creatures; they can't feel pain, and they can't feel emotion." The old man had had this kind of conversation hundreds of times, and he knew how it would probably go. He wished he could force himself to let it go.
He continued, "Anyway, tongs are metal; of course they were cold! Now we're in this weird land, with no sign of home, all because you needed to keep your god-damn TONGS happy! You've violated so many laws, but now your antics have violated the known laws of physics, you dangerous, moronic jackass!!!"
"Well," the yellow man pulled up his red sleeves, as if readying himself for a difficult task. "It's time for another..." he paused, taking a deeply exaggerated breath, "ADVENTURRRE!" He pointed his finger up in the air. Then he lowered it. Then he raised it again. Then he lowered it, and opened his mouth to close it again and raise his finger once more. This continued for some time.
Silence accompanied the yellow jester's movements. The gruff voice spoke with a slow, exasperated sigh, "I wish I could end my miserable, tortured existence. Or yours; either way would be wonderful." Still, the invisible man was happy to see that, at the very least, the idiot wasn't breaking anything for the time being.
The yellow man paid the unhappy voice no heed as he whipped his head around, taking in his surroundings. He put a finger to his chin.
"I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, Lassie!"
A tortured "why?" whispered through the air.
Bored of the conversation, the yellow man took off running, his legs striving back and forth with athletic grace, propelling him majestically into a tree, headfirst. The man crumpled against the ground. A few apples fell from the tree and, with a few thocks, bounced off of his head. He didn't move.
"He's-he's not moving. At all. Jesus Christ, yes! Maybe he's dead! No more weavil, no more Ghostmas, no more-oh, crud, he's still breathing. I was so close; I could almost taste happiness..." A single sob floated through the area.
"Ok, Spike, my detect magic says that the explosion came from this clearing."
"I see it, Twilight." A purple claw pointed towards a round patch of carbon that stood out against the green grass. The patch was still smouldering, like a grill after a barbeque.
"Careful. We don't know if it's completely safe yet."
"S-so, we could, like, explode? Can it r-really explode twice?" The dragon suddenly halted, staring at the black circle.
Twilight Sparkle shook her head. "I doubt it. Just don't touch that spot."
The mare's dragon companion shook himself out of his trance and trotted along. The two came to a stop a few meters from the obvious spot of the explosion. The grass nearby was singed, and the circle itself was, as Twilight knew, the blackest of the visible spectrum. There was a thin, green slab sitting on the ground. A purple glow brought the clue closer to Twilight's face.
"It looks like the inside of one of those arcade games that I helped Rainbow fix. At least part of it, anyway."
"Oh, you mean her Pac-Stallion machine? I love that thing!" Spike frowned. "Aww, horse feathers. Does this mean those games are dangerous?"
Twilight shrugged in response to Spike's gaming concerns, unsure of the answer. She made a mental note to check for the safety manual when she got back to the library. It was probably somewhere with her secret stash of 'Hay-lo' strategy guides and X-Bucks games.
"The important thing, Spike, is to make sure nopony was hurt. We heard this explosion all the way from Pinkie's room. Everypony heard it; it even woke up the Cake twins." Twilight suddenly imagined her poor pink friend trying to get the foals back to sleep. Twilight knew how much money Pinkie Pie always had to give to Mr. and Mrs. Cake to make up for the flour she used to calm the foals.
"Twilight! Equestria to Twilight!" Spike waved a claw in Twilight's face. Twilight finally blinked and pushed Pinkie's misery out of her head*. Spike was pointing at something- a weird something.
"What is it, Spike? Is that a pony?" Twilight motioned with her front hoof towards the crumpled creature leaning on a nearby tree. The purple duo hurried over. Twilight's horn glowed as she lifted the unresponsive being to get a closer look.
"It's still alive. Let's get him to the library and see what my books say. And then we should get Fluttershy; she always knows about woodland creatures."
Grunting in synch, Twilight and Spike lifted the human onto Twilight's back. Spike held his arms out carefully, waiting to catch the creature if he fell off the mare's back. After a few moments, the dragon relaxed his arms.
"Ok, Twilight, he's ready to go. What is he, anyway?"
"Well, he's bipedal, mammalian and probably omnivorous." Twilight noticed Spike's 'please speak English' look. "It means he walks on two legs and is from a familiar taxonomic class. I know he's a mammal because, like all mammals, such as ponies, he has hair." Spike's face relaxed a bit, but Twilight could still see that her number-one assistant wanted more explanation.
"What does 'omnivorous' mean?" Spike struggled to mimic the word Twilight had used.
"It means he can eat meat and plants. I could tell because, since his mouth is wide open," Twilight gestured to the drool the creature was leaving on the ground, "I saw that he had sharp teeth and flat teeth." The bookworm smiled, savoring the chance to show off her knowledge. Spike rolled his eyes.
"Does that mean he can, like, eat us?" Spike slowly backed away.
Twilight chuckled. "He has no claws and no weapons. His jaw is too small to use his teeth as a weapon. This big guy is harmless, Spike."
The two continued their trek back to the library.
"Totally harmless..."
*Pinkie Pie note: Oh Celestia, somepony help me! The twins are super-duper cute, but Pound Cake found my Ritalin, and he's LEARNED TO READ! I don't know how he got it, but he's reading about hoof-boxing, and my poor Pinkie Pie head can't take any more Pound Cake poundings!!!
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300775
Is that a good reaction or a bad reaction?
OH MY SWEET EVERLOVING DISCORD. I can't read it at the moment, but I will tomorrow afternoon coming back from school. But just... Oh my freakin...
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300785 Good. But I'm kinda afraid of what might happen when he meets Pinkie...
[ insert surpised post here]
I.... I..............
Have
No idea who the hell blockhead is.
I just wanted to be apart of the trend....
Is that bad?
OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD
ahahaha he found her Ritalin
don't I know what that's like
300816
This is Blockhead
@Derpy Mooves What.... I dont even..... Yah know what. Yah know what? Yah KNOW WHAT!? Well do you? Hes a nice pony. *tracks*
No! God, please no!
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Seeing the lively reaction this already got, I am gonna see if I can't finish the next chapter by the end of the night.
By the way, Pinkie's note at the bottom will be a recurring theme.
*Looks at number of trackers, then looks at number of likes*
The numbers do not add up!
/subtle hint
OK! Blockhead! I have not seen him in quite some time. Glad to see I'm not the only brony who knows him.
All right, for some critique, your style could use a few things:
1. Variation. Reread every sentence in a paragraph and try to catch words you use too frequently. If you catch repeated words, try to phrase the sentence differently so that it conveys the same idea, but doesn't end up repeating itself. Blockhead's conscience IS an exasperated old man, but surely you can use different descriptions for his constantly tested mood!
2. Information. I noticed there wasn't a whole lot of description for environments, as if we the readers were meant to fill in the blanks. I understand that we already know what kind of environments Ponyville has, but you need to write it as if you were there. In fact, I don't even know what time of day this all takes place in. Also, think of all your other senses: what does the environment LOOK like, what kinds of sounds can the characters HEAR, what kinds of SMELLS are there?
3. Flow. Writing is an art, and one of its more artistic aspects is its sense of flow. Does each paragraph influence and weave into the next one? Does every sentence have a purpose? I didn't quite get that feeling reading this chapter. Some of it seems like fluff. Indeed, Blockhead is... well, a blockhead, and his musings take him everywhere, but his babblings weren't the only things that broke the flow. I suggest writing down a chapter, wait a few days, then re-read it. You'll be surprised at how many things you missed, and how much better you can make your writing.
4. Content. Not a whole lot happened in this chapter. Blockhead appears. He argues with his conscience. He gets knocked out. Twilight and Spike find him and take him home. You need to make sure each chapter is stuffed with content: that content must be relevent to the rest of the story (again, NO FLUFF!), stuff has to happen in order to move the plot along. I admit I kinda wanted to see Blockhead just wander into town, hassle some ponies, and Twilight need to do something about it. This IS just the first chapter, but it needs more content.
And that's what I think. I hope this has been of some help. Until then, nip it in the bud!
Oh... shit.
Twilight, you should have tossed him into the Everfree and prayed he never got out. You've doomed them all.
The whole idea of this is amazing and I love I love I love you!!!!
...I will now comfort my screen who must have been terrified at the smile I gave it...
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oh blockhead
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300888
Y U NO HAVE GIF LIKE THIS ONE
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-In Medicus