Blockhead gets transported to Equestria, and hijinks ensue.
This is a crossover story in which the famous internet character, Blockhead, accidentally visits Equestria. Blockhead will of course be just as crazy as always.
The story is rated teen because it has a bit of cursing.
If you have not seen Blockhead, watch him first on theswain.com. You just can't appreciate the story without seeing the cartoons first.
This is my first story, so give me some feedback so I can get better.
Author's note: This is my first fanfic, so enjoy. Everyone knows that I own neither My Little Pony, nor Blockhead. This is a parody.
An explosion of blue sparks broke the silence that had filled the clearing. Standing atop scorched ground in the bright grassy clearing, a tall, yellow man argued with the air. "Of course I put them in the microwave! They were so cold, I thought it could have been hypo... hypo-hernia!" he yelled defensively, arms gesturing violently.
Anypony passing by the clearing that bright morning would have thought the strange man was talking to himself, but then a voice - a real voice- responded. The voice did not seem to have a body, or any distinct origin, but it was without a doubt a real voice.
"Thermia," he corrected, tired frustration in his voice. He had been cursed to follow this Blockhead for as long as he could remember. His consciousness simply existed wherever the strange person wandered. Today the strange person had put metal tongs in a microwave, and, after a moment of the torturous smell of burning plastic and the ear-shattering screeches of a smoke detector, transported himself to a picnic area with open space as far as the eye could see, save a handful of apple trees.
"No thanks," the yellow man responded, "I'm not hungry." He smiled.
"I don't even know what that-"
"Besides, man-lump, they deserve to be happy! They-"
"No. Tongs are not creatures; they can't feel pain, and they can't feel emotion." The old man had had this kind of conversation hundreds of times, and he knew how it would probably go. He wished he could force himself to let it go.
He continued, "Anyway, tongs are metal; of course they were cold! Now we're in this weird land, with no sign of home, all because you needed to keep your god-damn TONGS happy! You've violated so many laws, but now your antics have violated the known laws of physics, you dangerous, moronic jackass!!!"
"Well," the yellow man pulled up his red sleeves, as if readying himself for a difficult task. "It's time for another..." he paused, taking a deeply exaggerated breath, "ADVENTURRRE!" He pointed his finger up in the air. Then he lowered it. Then he raised it again. Then he lowered it, and opened his mouth to close it again and raise his finger once more. This continued for some time.
Silence accompanied the yellow jester's movements. The gruff voice spoke with a slow, exasperated sigh, "I wish I could end my miserable, tortured existence. Or yours; either way would be wonderful." Still, the invisible man was happy to see that, at the very least, the idiot wasn't breaking anything for the time being.
The yellow man paid the unhappy voice no heed as he whipped his head around, taking in his surroundings. He put a finger to his chin.
"I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, Lassie!"
A tortured "why?" whispered through the air.
Bored of the conversation, the yellow man took off running, his legs striving back and forth with athletic grace, propelling him majestically into a tree, headfirst. The man crumpled against the ground. A few apples fell from the tree and, with a few thocks, bounced off of his head. He didn't move.
"He's-he's not moving. At all. Jesus Christ, yes! Maybe he's dead! No more weavil, no more Ghostmas, no more-oh, crud, he's still breathing. I was so close; I could almost taste happiness..." A single sob floated through the area.
"Ok, Spike, my detect magic says that the explosion came from this clearing."
"I see it, Twilight." A purple claw pointed towards a round patch of carbon that stood out against the green grass. The patch was still smouldering, like a grill after a barbeque.
"Careful. We don't know if it's completely safe yet."
"S-so, we could, like, explode? Can it r-really explode twice?" The dragon suddenly halted, staring at the black circle.
Twilight Sparkle shook her head. "I doubt it. Just don't touch that spot."
The mare's dragon companion shook himself out of his trance and trotted along. The two came to a stop a few meters from the obvious spot of the explosion. The grass nearby was singed, and the circle itself was, as Twilight knew, the blackest of the visible spectrum. There was a thin, green slab sitting on the ground. A purple glow brought the clue closer to Twilight's face.
"It looks like the inside of one of those arcade games that I helped Rainbow fix. At least part of it, anyway."
"Oh, you mean her Pac-Stallion machine? I love that thing!" Spike frowned. "Aww, horse feathers. Does this mean those games are dangerous?"
Twilight shrugged in response to Spike's gaming concerns, unsure of the answer. She made a mental note to check for the safety manual when she got back to the library. It was probably somewhere with her secret stash of 'Hay-lo' strategy guides and X-Bucks games.
"The important thing, Spike, is to make sure nopony was hurt. We heard this explosion all the way from Pinkie's room. Everypony heard it; it even woke up the Cake twins." Twilight suddenly imagined her poor pink friend trying to get the foals back to sleep. Twilight knew how much money Pinkie Pie always had to give to Mr. and Mrs. Cake to make up for the flour she used to calm the foals.
"Twilight! Equestria to Twilight!" Spike waved a claw in Twilight's face. Twilight finally blinked and pushed Pinkie's misery out of her head*. Spike was pointing at something- a weird something.
"What is it, Spike? Is that a pony?" Twilight motioned with her front hoof towards the crumpled creature leaning on a nearby tree. The purple duo hurried over. Twilight's horn glowed as she lifted the unresponsive being to get a closer look.
"It's still alive. Let's get him to the library and see what my books say. And then we should get Fluttershy; she always knows about woodland creatures."
Grunting in synch, Twilight and Spike lifted the human onto Twilight's back. Spike held his arms out carefully, waiting to catch the creature if he fell off the mare's back. After a few moments, the dragon relaxed his arms.
"Ok, Twilight, he's ready to go. What is he, anyway?"
"Well, he's bipedal, mammalian and probably omnivorous." Twilight noticed Spike's 'please speak English' look. "It means he walks on two legs and is from a familiar taxonomic class. I know he's a mammal because, like all mammals, such as ponies, he has hair." Spike's face relaxed a bit, but Twilight could still see that her number-one assistant wanted more explanation.
"What does 'omnivorous' mean?" Spike struggled to mimic the word Twilight had used.
"It means he can eat meat and plants. I could tell because, since his mouth is wide open," Twilight gestured to the drool the creature was leaving on the ground, "I saw that he had sharp teeth and flat teeth." The bookworm smiled, savoring the chance to show off her knowledge. Spike rolled his eyes.
"Does that mean he can, like, eat us?" Spike slowly backed away.
Twilight chuckled. "He has no claws and no weapons. His jaw is too small to use his teeth as a weapon. This big guy is harmless, Spike."
The two continued their trek back to the library.
"Totally harmless..."
*Pinkie Pie note: Oh Celestia, somepony help me! The twins are super-duper cute, but Pound Cake found my Ritalin, and he's LEARNED TO READ! I don't know how he got it, but he's reading about hoof-boxing, and my poor Pinkie Pie head can't take any more Pound Cake poundings!!!
Author comment: Good news for people who want this to keep going: this is not a preconceived arc. I am just gonna keep on making the number-one guy do dumb stuff for as long as I can stay original. Also, this chapter title is the name of the bugle call typically used to awaken soldiers. The title is French for "wake up". It's also the first chapter in the first level of Halo. I am a fanboy of many tastes.
Reveille
The light was off in Twilight Sparkle's bedroom when two figures stepped inside.Twilight and Spike grunted as they set the human down on Twilight's bed. Twilight wrinkled her nose as she noticed the drool pouring from the creature's mouth onto her pillow. She and Spike backed away, both wearing faces of curiosity and fear. They stared for what could have been as long as a thousand-year lunar banishment. It was probably more like ten minutes, however. Regardless of the duration, they both awoke from the trance as hoofsteps signaled the entrance of another pony.
Twilight turned to Spike. "That must be Fluttershy. Dear Celestia, please let that pegasus know something about this thing." Twilight returned her gaze to her bed just in time to see the pool of drool begin to waterfall down the side of her sheets, onto the floor. The purple unicorn whimpered. "Please, Spike, get her up here."
Spike nodded and left the bedroom to greet Fluttershy. The young reptile reached only halfway down the stairs before the yellow pony spotted him. Fluttershy greeted Spike with a small smile.
"I'm sorry I couldn't come with you when you came, Spike, but I had to-"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, no time," Spike grabbed Fluttershy by the hoof and started to pull her up the stairs, "This creature is really weird, and we need your help."
Fluttershy's eyes lit up like the tree in Maneson Square Garden on Hearth's Warming Eve. "Oh, a little creature for me to attend to? I'm so excited, I could-" She froze as she entered the bedroom. She started to quiver. Twilight turned and frowned as her friend shrank.
"Fluttershy, please don't freak out now; I have no idea what this thing is, and I really need your help." Fluttershy stood up and moved beside her friend, even as she continued to shiver. "So, you've never seen one before? I don't know what to do! My books didn't say anything either, and-" Twilight froze as she felt a hand grasp her horn.
"Oh my, I've never seen a horse so excited, but I am quite the handsome number-one guy!"
With a shriek and a shudder, Twilight broke free of the grasp and backed towards the wall, where her meek friend was already huddled into a ball, hooves covering her face.
"Bwahaha! He thinks you're a colt, Twi! He thinks that's your-" Spike froze and fell over laughing. "He thinks it's on your head!!!" The young dragon sat on the floor, guffawing and slamming a fist against the ground. Twilight glared at her assistant as he rolled laughing at her expense. Fluttershy blushed fire-engine red, and she hid a grin.
"That's a horn. Moron. That pony is clearly a female. And another thing, I-"
Twilight's gaze searched the room for the origin of the gruff voice. "W-who was that?"
"Oh. Oh, God. You can hear me?"
Fluttershy replied. "A-a-are you a ghost? I- I mean, I'd understand if you didn't want to, you know, talk about it."
Spike stopped laughing. "Ghost pony!?" The dragon zipped into his caretaker's hooves.
"Oh, I'm not a ghost. I... I don't know what I am, actually. All I know is I've been cursed to watch this stupid little demon wreak insane havoc for as far back as I can remember."
"He could be a ghost for ghostmas!" the human stirred, but stopped, and promptly inserted Twilight's entire
pillow into his maw. He added a few gurgling noises, just so Twilight knew how much he enjoyed her linens. As the
drool covered the pillow, Twilight silently thanked her mentor for Spike's fire-breath; it would make sanitizing much easier
later.
"Don't take the pillow out of his mouth; it's shutting the bastard up. Such sweet silence. I'm sorry, I just don't get
relief from his nonsense. You ponies are the first beings other than this idiot to hear me. Oh, I can warn you now! I can
prevent so much needless destruction. I'd also like to tell you not to feel too bad about him thinking you're a male. It
indicates he'll never be able to reproduce, what with his obvious lack of sexual knowledge." The voice had a tinge of happiness to it now. Blockhead seemed to notice the lack of attention, and struggled to remove the sleep-aid from his unhinged jaw.
The lunacy of the human's antics calmed the Equestrians, and they sat up to listen to the voice. Even Fluttershy
giggled at Blockhead, whilst Spike, anticipating Twilight's concerns, took a quill and made a note to buy new linens. Twilight
stood.
"We need more information!" Twilight also admitted to herself that she would love to write a book about this,
but her main goal really was to protect Ponyville from the monster she'd found. Well, maybe it was fifty-fifty. Truly,
the image of her book on a shelf in the Canterlot library was enticing. Still, for this moment, she needed to get answers. "What's his name? What is his species? Are
there more like him?" The words shot out of the unicorn's mouth as fast as her brain could formulate questions.
"You can call him Blockhead. That's what I've called him ever since he glued his poor pre-school teacher to that
police chopper. That poor woman. Anyway, he's a human. Most humans are highly intelligent, but Blockhead is just
defective. You should probably-" the voice vanished. A quick look around the room told Twilight exactly why it had.
"Blockhead went out the window! We need to find him!"
Spike rubbed his eyes, amazed that the human could have moved out so quickly without notice. "Wait, Twi, how'd
you know he went out the window?" the dragon inquired.
"Well, Spike," Twilight answered, "we're right next to the door."
Fluttershy pointed to the floor. "The broken glass is also a good clue."
Twilight's eye twitched. "How did he break my bucking window without making a sound?! "
Twilight slowly crumpled to her floor. "We must be having the worst day of anyone in Ponyville*..."
Fluttershy squeaked. Twilight lay silent. Spike brought out the dustpan and broom, and cleaned the glass from
the floor.
* Pinkie Pie note: Twilight is like super-duper-looper wrong about that. I'm having the worst day
of anyone in Ponyville! Rainbow Dash is here, and she's teaching Pound Cake to hoof box! Right now they're both
watching Rocky: The Italian Stallion on NeighFlix, and she gave him all my ritalin! Poundie's eyes are so
focused! It's like he can see all of time! My eyes haven't twitched this much since my party with that bag of
flour! The only good thing is that Pumpkin is playing with Gummy**, so she's been out of my mane all day...
** Gummy note: Dear Celestia, Pumpkin is teething .
Glass shards soundlessly fell to the ground below the Ponyville library as Blockhead fell with them. The yellow man hit the ground without a noise, and the dew-covered grass stained his blue jeans. Blockhead silently stood up and shook his head, his eyes twirling around and around as he dizzied himself. Still rather early for a Saturday morning, the town too was hushed, save for the occasional chirp of a bird or two. Silence didn't belong anywhere near Blockhead, and the universe acknowledged that fact.
"He broke my bucking window without a sound!?"
Blockhead, still not making a sound, took off with a brisk pace, heading towards the center of the town. For about fifty feet, his footsteps made no sound. Finally, as though his speakers were plugged-in, Blockhead's movements and breaths finally made noises like they should, shoes crunching against the dirt path. At the same time, Blockhead's reluctant, bodiless follower found his voice once more.
"You really are a jackass, you know that?" he said. "You could have- should have- died in that field, and those nice ponies take you in -I'd also like to add that the fact that talking ponies didn't even phase me stands as a testament to the damage you have done to my sanity- and try to help you. Then, the one time you shouldn't be silent, you turn mute and break a window! Tell me, dummy, why were you so quiet?"
"Silly man, you can't make any sound in a library."
A pause. "Words cannot describe the pains I want you to suffer."
***
The front door to the library took on a purple glow for a moment before it slammed open. Twilight Sparkle's eye twitched as she, her dragon Spike, and her friend Fluttershy walked outside. They searched the area around the tree library; Fluttershy even flew up high to get a better view. Alas, though it had taken the three but a minute to race outside, they had lost the crazy yellow human.
"Spike," said Twilight, "get Owlicious up and have him take a bird's-eye view of the whole town. It's early, and most ponies are still in bed, so it shouldn't be too tough to spot Blockhead right now." Twilight's number-one assistant gave a salute and zipped upstairs to wake the owl. Twilight took a step forward and jerked her hoof back up.
"Ouch!" The unicorn felt her hoof start to bleed. Fluttershy blushed and put her hooves over her ears as her unicorn friend cursed.
When Twilight stopped cursing, Fluttershy carefully looked over her friend's hoof with concern.
"Oh, Twilight, we need to get this cut cleaned and covered before you get an infection." Fluttershy said
"You're-you're right," Twilight sighed, "We'll get this done quick, and catch up with Spike and Owlicious."
Fluttershy nodded and helped her friend back inside. The yellow pony had cared for enough injured animals to have gotten over any fear of blood, and she quickly searched for bandages, while Twilight instructed Spike on where next to search. Once her two assistants took off, she lay down on her sofa and contemplated the problem that she had just let loose into her town. Celestia, save me...*
*Celestia note: Oh, Twilight, Spike wrote to me about your troubles, but I am having troubles of my own right now. Similar troubles, I might add. Luna brought home this... thing. It's awful, and it-oh, pardon me a moment.
"Luna, get it off the couch! It's so dirty its grease'll probably never come out!"
"WE SHALL NOT LET OUR SISTER DISTURB THE WEAVIL!!!"
***
Once rivals, Twilight's assistants now worked together with ingenuity. Owlicious flew high above the town, but made sure to stay within Spike's line of sight. With Spike watching the owl, the group acted as a hunting team, Spike being the hunter and Owlicious the spotter. Owlicious spotted their prey, and pointed with his wings for Spike to see. Spike stopped and gazed in the indicated direction.
"The marketplace?" Owlicious nodded. Spike frowned. There was no way he could run all the way there before that weirdo did something crazy. He wished Twilight hadn't brought home the human in the first place. He sighed before cupping his claws around his mouth in a makeshift megaphone.
"He'll run away before I get there; fly ahead while I catch up!"
Owlicious nodded and flew off out of Spike's view. Spike put a claw to his chin in thought. What was that one thing that everypony did in horror movies? That thing that was always a bad idea, but everypony did it anyway? Spike slapped his forehead. Oh. Right. Split up.
"Well, shit."
***
Wagon wheels creaked clunked against the ground, and the air smelled of every vegetable, fruit and legume that a pony could want. The Ponyville marketplace would open soon, and this morning's bright weather promised many customers. Applejack smiled as she watched her friend Rarity hard at work painting Applejack's stall. The unicorn had insisted that a snazzy coat of paint would bring the Apple family more customers, and as Applejack sat and observed, she had to agree the stall looked more inviting with the bright red images of big mackintoshes and red deliciouses .
"Rarity, ah know we fight a lot," the orange pony said, "but yer a real good friend, helping me like this."
Rarity smiled. The fresh spring air was a delightful change from the smell of chemical dyes and thread preservatives that permeated her boutique. It was a nice bonus to helping her friend, even if her hooves did get a little messy with the paints. She turned to face Applejack
"Oh Applejack, darling, just because we get into little tiffs doesn't mean I don't love you. It's my pleasure to do what I can to assist you."
Applejack frowned and opened her mouth to say something. Rarity read Applejack's face and rolled her eyes.
"As a friend, dear," she said. "I love you as a friend."
Before the awkward moment could drag out, the two ponies noticed a tall shadow darkening the ground between them. They turned to see a strange creature, almost like an ape, smiling and staring at them. The two ponies looked at each other. Then they looked back at the creature (still smiling). They blinked.
"...Can ah help you?"
The creature spoke. "I jumped out a window, and now I'm durrrrttee." He pointed to his dust-covered face.
Rarity smiled. The fashion pony didn't know where this creature was from, but she was always happy to help with anypony's fashion needs. And this thing's face definitely needed a-
Rarity convulsed and shrieked as the creature grasped her torso. "Whatever are you doing?!"
Blockhead replied by rubbing his faced against her fur, roughly and repeatedly, before he let go and stood up with a smile. "You can hold that dirt, doggy; I don't need it anymore."
He gave a salute and jogged off. Stunned and slack-jawed, Rarity was still as a statue. Applejack sighed and put a hoof on her friend's back.
"It's okay, Rarity. Ya'll can cry."
Rarity fell to the ground and sobbed.
***
"How come you walked a quarter of a mile before you suddenly cared about dirt on your face?" A familiar voice inquired.
"We're out on the town now," said Blockhead, "I need to be looking my best to impress the ladies."
"You did notice that this place has no humans, right? There are no women here. Not that you'd ever get a date."
Blockhead froze and looked around. "You're right! Oh. My. Gosh! This whole town is run by ponies!"
"What was your first clue?"
Blockhead didn't answer. Instead, he gasped and pointed a finger into the sky. He jumped up and down and waved his arms rapidly. He yelled incoherently and stomped. A bird descended from the sky. A nocturnal bird. An owl. It landed on the ground in front of Blockhead and smiled a beaky smile of triumph. Blockhead squealed with delight.
"My little Hoot-hoot! You came to rescue me from these monsters!" Blockhead made a sweeping gesture to identify the monsters. The wide-eyed, pastel-colored, vegetarian monsters. Blockhead grimaced as a young filly waved at him with a smile. Clearly, it had given him the evil eye.
Blockhead swiped Owlicious into his arms and held the confused avian close to his chest.
"Quickly, my ally, we must find tongs with which to defend our honor!"
"Jesus Christ, don't hurt them; they're the most innocent creature's I've ever seen, and that includes those kids from the orphanage you burned down." The old man pleaded.
"They're with their parents now," Blockhead cheerfully replied.
Blockhead ran off, clutching Twilight's number-two assistant tucked under his arm, like a football. Some of the early-bird pony shoppers stopped and stared, except for a gray, cross-eyed pegasus mare, who took the moment of distraction to run off with an entire muffin stall. The stall owner looked around, and then caught sight of Derpy escaping with his entire store. I just don't know what went wrong, thought the unfortunate stallion.
***
A bell chimed as a small dragon entered Sugarcube Corner. Spike had been a few feet from the shop when Owlicious had flew ahead. He wouldn't be long, he promised to himself; he just needed some breakfast to help power his chase. Mrs. Cake greeted the dragon as he walked to the register.
"Well hello there, Spike. You look like you're having a rough morning; can I get you a coffee?"
Spike smiled and nodded yes. Twilight normally didn't like Spike having too much caffeine, but if any day warranted an artificial energy boost, this was the day. Besides, Spike needed to relax a bit after the crazy events of the morning so far.
"So, Mrs. Cake," Spike said, "how're the twins?"
"Oh, Pinkie Pie was watching them this morning, but Rainbow Dash came by and insisted she take the twins for a while to give Pinkie a break. Pinkie's actually brewing some coffee right now."
Spike smiled to know Pinkie Pie was in. She was always good for a laugh and cheering up. Just as the dragon was pondering about what silly things Pinkie might say today, he heard the door behind him open again. His eyes widened as he saw the look of confusion on Mrs. Cake's face. It could only mean-
Author's Note: Yes, the chapter title is a reference to Halo: Combat Evolved's last level, The Maw. Anyway, enjoy!
And the Pony You Rode Out On...
Twilight Sparkle took a moment to appreciate the bird's-eye view of Sugarcube Corner. The bakery seemed to grow bigger and bigger with every second as the unicorn approached. She was so high above the ground, all she could hear was a gentle woosh as the air moved past her head and whipped her mane around. Suddenly, the sounds of the town below crept back into earshot. Twilight blinked. They were losing altitude. And they were losing it fast. Twilight leaned down to tell her butter-colored mode of transport.
"Our flight-path is falling apart," said Twilight.
Not breaking her gaze away from her destination, the pegasus carrying Twilight frowned and squinted her eyes with extra determination.
"It'll hold," Fluttershy said flatly as the ground sped closer.
Twilight took a fearful gulp and wrapped her hooves tighter around her flying friend. She didn't share the mare's confidence.
"We're not gonna make it," Twilight said nervously.
"We'll make it."
At this point, the bakery was but a few dozen feet away, and the distance was shortening quickly.
"Pull up," Twilight pleaded. "Pull up!"
Fluttershy continued to ignore her friend's shouts, and a moment later, they arrived. Twilight smacked her forehead against the lower part of the first-floor window frame. She let out a pained oof and dismounted the pegasus.Turning to look Fluttershy dead in the eye, Twilight frowned.
"You did that on purpose, didn't you?"
The serious look left Fluttershy's face and an apologetic one took its place.
"I really didn't mean to, Twilight," the mare said. "After all my practice with Rainbow Dash, I really wanted to prove myself."
Twilight rubbed her throbbing forehead with one hoof. Poor Fluttershy had been trying so hard to become a better flyer, and Twilight had to admit that they did get to the bakery much more quickly than they would have on hoof. She sighed.
"It's okay. At least we're here. Let's just go inside and see if Derpy was right about seeing Blockhead walk here."
Twilight reached a hoof up to open the door, but the door wouldn't budge even a bit. The girls exchanged a look of shared confusion before Twilight tried again with both hooves. She grunted in frustration and pounded the door a few times until she stopped to catch her breath. She looked to her side to see Fluttershy tugging at one of the windows.
"I'm sorry, Twilight, but the windows are locked too. What do we do now?"
"I'm not sure," Twilight admitted. "I guess we-"
Both Twilight and Fluttershy froze as a loud crash accompanied a shower of splintered wood and broken dry-wall. The girls slowly turned to look at the huge hole in the bakery's wall, blinking as the dust settled. After a moment, the force responsible for the thousands of bits of damage to the bakery was revealed. Standing in the middle of the debris stood Pinkie Pie, all four hooves on the ground, with a pair of tongs in her mouth. On her back rode a dimwitted human. Both wore what could only be described as war faces.
"Why couldn't you use the door," cried a wide-eyed Mrs. Cake.
"We needed to use the element of surprise," Blockhead grunted.
"And who doesn't love a surprise," Pinkie broke her war face to cheer. "Oh, hi Twilight and Fluttershy. Were you surprised? Were you? Huh? Huh?"
Twilight's eye twitched as she face-hoofed. Fluttershy cowered behind her, startled by the unscheduled demolition. Just as Twilight looked up again, a splinter-covered Spike emerged from the bakery, clutching a twitching Owlowicious. His eyes were wide and glazed with justified shell-shock. He shuffled up to his housemate and held up the owl to her.
"W-why is he twitching like that?"
Spike grimaced. "I think he-I think he put him in his mouth. He said he had to 'taste the hoot-hoot'."
Twilight's eyes dilated as she took the twitching bird into her hooves and looked at it. His ruffled feathers were bent and ruined (The ones that were still on his body at this point, anyway). And he was dripping with drool. When Twilight sensed the liquid on her hooves she nearly dropped the owl with disgust, but she swallowed and held him close. Fluttershy sniffled.
"You really should a' left him in the woods," a gruff voice lamented. "Seriously, though, do you have a gun or something? The only good thing so far is that he no longer thinks you ponies want to kill him." Twilight wasn't quite sure that that last part was true anymore, though...
"The ponies are my assistants in the quest to reclaim the weavil," Blockhead explained. He removed the tongs from Pinkie's mouth and waved them in the air for emphasis.
Twilight handed her avian assistant to Fluttershy, who immediately cooed and nuzzled the unfortunate bird, taking off for her home in order to bathe him and help him mend the recent mental scars. As the pegasus left, Twilight turned to Pinkie Pie and glared.
"Why did you help him?!" Twilight had secretly dreaded the possibility of the two nutballs meeting, but even she hadn't expected Pinkie to partially dismantle her own home and workplace.
"Oh, Twilight," Pinkie cheerfully said. "Blockhead and his saddy-pants voice-y friend just arrived in Equestria, but their other friend, Mr. Weavil, is all the way in Canterlot. I just gotta get him with us so we can have a 'welcome to Equestria' party for them!" Pinkie beamed at the thought of throwing one of her patented welcome parties.
Twilight opened her mouth to chastise her hyper friend, but the pink pony and her passenger suddenly galloped off.
"Hi-ho, Silver! Awaaaaaaaaaay!!!"
Twilight gave Spike an exasperated, confused look. Spike sighed.
"Princess Celestia sent you a letter a few minutes ago. It said she wanted to borrow your fabric cleaner* to clean up after Luna's new pet 'weavil'. Blockhead got really excited about it..."
As Spike turned around to walk back inside to help the Cakes clean up the new hole in their bakery, Twilight noticed black ink on his back. She squinted her eyes to read it.
Dear Blockhead, Of course I'll sign your velociraptor. Smile, smile, smile-Pinkie Pie
*Celestia note: Dear Twilight, please disregard my request for fabric cleaner. Instead, please bring a few gallons of gasoline and a box of matches; the "weavil" has been chewing on the sofa...
"THE WEAVIL WILL CHEW ON WHAT THE WEAVIL PLEASES!"
"Lauren Christ, Luna, could you at least give it a bath!?"
Author's Note: Still working out a lot of the jokes for the next chronological chapter. Enjoy this view into Pinkie's Morning while I get my sh*t together. Also, tell me how well (or poorly) my comedy works without Blockhead. Edit: I was told that children taking ritalin was offensive (unless prescribed of course). I edited that out and now it's fine. I don't know why nobody got upset about that when it happened in the first chapter, but *shrug*.
Pinkie's Morning
The pair of wails shattered the Cakes' sleep as the young twins cried. Mr. Cake nodded to his wife and snatched the two up from their crib in his and his wife's room, and proceeded, foals still screaming, to Pinkie's room. He knocked on the door with one hoof, hoping to Celestia that the babies' cries had already woken up his pink employee and renter. How couldn't it have woken her up?
It hadn't. Inside the young mare's room, Pinkie slept soundly, oblivious to the noise of the screaming Pound and Pumpkin. In her head, Pinkie found herself trapped in a terrible nightmare. She had invited Rainbow Dash over to Sugarcube Corner, but things had gone terribly wrong. She didn't even feel as though she were in control of herself as she prepared for the arrival of her pegasus friend. The young baker just finished preparing when the bell sounded Dash's arrival. In the real world, at the same time as her boss banged on her door, Pinkie tossed and turned, screaming at herself for what she knew she was about to do.
"Hi, Pinkie! What are we gonna do today," asked Rainbow.
Pinkie desperately tried to stop herself, but couldn't.
"We're making cupcakes!" Pinkie couldn't believe she had said it.
Rainbow frowned. "Pinkie, you know I don't like baking."
At this point, Pinkie woke from her nightmare, screaming.
"NO, DASHIE! I KNOW YOU HATE BAKING! PLEASE FORGIVE ME!"
The party pony sat up with frantic, shallow breaths. She had been so thoughtless, asking Rainbow to make whole-wheat cupcakes with her. She could have hurt her feelings! Pinkie shuddered at the thought. What crime could possibly be worse than hurting a friend's feelings?! The mare wiped tears from her eyes as the dreamworld receded from her mind. She shook her head to banish the horrible dream from her mind. Once she calmed herself, she noticed a faint tapping.
BANG-BANG-BANG
"PINKIE! OPEN THE DOOR! WE NEED YOU TO WATCH THE TWINS!"
Pinkie blinked and looked at the clock; it was half-past PARTY am. The Cakes had gotten her up so early. Princess Celestia probably had yet to raise the sun. Still, she couldn't say she missed that horrid dream. She opened the door while still brushing her mane with one hoof.
"Okie-dokie-lokie, Mr. Cake. Let me just cover the poster, and I'll take them off your hooves."
Mr. Cake gave a relieved sigh and nodded as Pinkie closed the door once more. Pinkie never understood why everyone hated that poster. It was the best poster like, ever. As she placed an arrangement of opaque balloons in front of it, she took a moment to look at it. It was a picture of her hero. He was a clown stallion with a green mane and a huge smile. Everyone else thought he was scary, but Pinkie didn't get it. How could you be afraid of a pony whose motto was "Let's put a smile on that face"? As far as Pinkie cared, making smiles was the noblest of causes. She shrugged. Either way, those adorable foals cried whenever they saw that poster, so these balloons would have to stay until later.
Pinkie opened the door again and let the foals crawl into her room.
"The nightmare again?"
"I-I-"
"Pinkie, maybe you could just talk to her?"
Pinkie nodded, an uncharacteristically solemn expression adorned her face. "I will, Mr. Cake."
With that, Mr. Cake left the hallway and returned to his wife in bed, where he quickly fell asleep once more. In Pinkie's room, the twins' wails ended as they enjoyed Pinkie's funny faces. She pulled her tongue around and around her head and then let go, her tongue zipping back into her mouth like a mechanical tape measure. The foals squealed with delight. Pinkie didn't mind getting up so early; these foals loved her antics, and they never questioned why she could break the laws of science.
Pinkie ran into and locked the closet, only to tap Pound and Pumpkins' shoulders from behind a moment later. The children fell over with laughter, rolling and kicking. Pinkie smiled wide as she watched Pound writhe with laughter. Suddenly, her smile vanished as Pound's kicking hoof contacted her nightstand and send flying a certain important bottle. A bottle that Pinkie shouldn't have had either. A bottle of Coca-Cola Black (google it). Before Pinkie knew it, the entire caffeinated drink had been drunk, and she would soon have an extra-hyper, extra-punchie colt on her hands.
Gummy Note: Only Pinkie knows this, but I am actually just as intelligent as any pony. I put on a slow exterior in order to hide my amazing mind from prying eyes. Nopony would know from my out-of-synch blinks and thousand-yard stares, but I enjoy the refined and the dignified things in life. When the bakery is filled with just myself and Pinkie, I listen to Hoofgang Amadeus Mozart, and I read wikipedia to learn more about Coltpaso's art. Of course, right now, I am instead occupied by the terrible experience that is babysitting a teething filly.
Author's note: I know there are typos, but I am tired and in a really bad mood, so I will fix them in the morning.
"Chimicherry?"
"Cherrichonga. Definitely cherrichonga."
Blockhead gestured with the tongs in his hand, emphasizing his certainty of dessert title. With his other, tong-free arm, he held around Pinkie's neck as she galloped into the Equestrian-desert night. Six hours had passed since the two had demolished the wall* of Sugarcube Corner and made for Canterlot, on a mission to rescue and party with the Weavil. Luna had long ago raised the moon into the sky, giving much-needed cool to the desert.
Pinkie pondered Blockhead's choice as she ran. The question had plagued her since it first emerged in Dodge Junction. She'd spent many sleepless nights frantically scribbling notes trying to find the answer. And now, Blockhead had the answer after only a minute of discussion. Truly this creature was of genius-level intelligence. Pinkie had to know how he had gotten the answer.
"How do you know, Mr. Blockhead?"
"Elementary, my dear Watson; Cherrichonga rhymes with tonga, and tonga sounds like tongs." He gestured almost condescendingly with one hand.
"Of course! How could I not have seen it before?" Pinkie felt in awe of the simplicity of the answer. She squinted with extra determination to get to Canterlot. If this creature was so smart, this "Weavil" must have been a genius! She wondered what super-rific party tips this Weavil would have. He might even know the secret of nuclear cupcake fusion! She had tried so long to unlock that party secret, but the Cakes quickly forced her to stop splitting cupcake atoms in the basement.
"I can't decide which is dumber- Blockhead for coming up with that inane babble of an answer, or you for being awestruck by it."
Pinkie dug her hooves into the ground and skidded to a stop. Blockhead's inertia flew him into a bale of hay.
"We must not stop now, my pink chariot; lady luck yearns for adventure," Blockhead exclaimed with his head still stuck in the hay. Of course, this only had the effect of forcing straws of hay into his mouth, and Blockhead found himself suddenly fascinated with them. He bobbed his head around, poking different objects with the straws, giggling as he did so. The ground and tree that he poked didn't seem to find much significance in his poking, but the ants definitely seemed unhappy about it as they were squished.
Pinkie stared, hooves still dug into the dirt, as she contemplated the grumpy voice's words. The gears in her head (which were, interestingly enough, pink and yellow and blue and made the most delightful squeaks as they turned, rather than those unhappy clunks that most gears made. Pinkie liked her gears better that way) turned (and squeaked in the most delightful way) as she came to a great realization-Blockhead was an idiot. She started to feel that her actions may have been just the teensiest-weensiest bit foalish.
"With this straw, I can be like that little pig and stop the wolf!" With this remark, Blockhead began using his tongue to arrange the straws of hay on the ground into a floor plan.
Yeah, Pinkie thought. Definitely foalish... Pinkie's eyes dilated at the terrifying concept of a creature too silly for even her.
"Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh," Pinkie gushed. "I have to ask Twilight what to do!"
"You-you're not quite as dumb as I thought. Maybe we could work something- Wait, where are you going?" The gruff voice said.
"Twilight is reaaaaallly smart. She'll know what to do. You stay here, and I'll come back." Pinkie smiled.
"You think it's a good idea to leave this whirling dervish to his own devices?"
Pinkie Pie turned back to address the disembodied voice, "He'll be with you; everybody listens to their grampa!"
With that, Pinkie left. Blockhead stood and smiled, tongs still in his hand. Suddenly, his unhappy watcher came to a realization.
"Wait," he said. "If you're out here alone, maybe you'll starve. Oh, sweet salvation at last; you'll never anyone again..." The man sounded genuinely happy for a moment. Then he noticed Blockhead shove his head into the bale and begin chewing.
"Just like grandma used to make," he said.
"I need to stop getting my hopes up..."
*****
Twilight paced back and forth in her library home. She furrowed her brow and rubbed her forehead with one hoof. Pinkie back. Good. Blockhead alone to destroy Equestria. Less good. She had to think of a solution before all of marekind ended. Maybe she- no, she'd never find enough bandanas and jars of gravy at this time of year. She sighed and turned to Ponyville's resident dragon.
"Has Rainbow Dash seen anything yet," she asked.
Spike shook his head. Twilight sighed. Pinkie raised a hoof.
"Twilight, I have an idea!"
Twilight shrugged; any idea was a welcome one at this point.
"Yes?"
"Well, the first step is to end the chapter with a cliffhanger!"
*Pinkie Pie note: But I didn't break the fourth wall this time. Wait... oops. Umm... Never mind.
Author note: I really hate to do this to you guys, but that joke needed to be told. It's something Pinkie would absolutely do, and I am actually quite proud of it.
An unnatural glow washed over Twilight Sparkle's face as she squinted at its source. She mumbled to herself and frowned, before turning around to face a certain human male who'd been causing her a lot of trouble. He'd hoped for her approval, but his hope faded as he read Twilight's face. She didn't like it. He'd tried so hard, but she clearly didn't like it.
"What's wrong with it," he meekly inquired.
Twilight gave a frustrated grunt. "The chapter title is 'Nightfall'. Can't you go more than a page without making another Halo reference?"
Derpy Mooves looked at his shoes. A single tear fell to the floor, landing between his feet.
***
"You didn't need to burn the sofa, Tia," complained the princess of the night as she mourned the loss of her favorite piece of furniture, currently covered in a gasoline-fueled blaze.
Princess Celestia ignored the comment and screwed the cap back onto the red container. She used her magic to float it towards a nearby guard, who then trotted out of the room to return the gas can to its proper place in the royal garage. Celestia smiled at her handiwork, happy to know that the fire would sanitize that thing's saliva and grease.
The "thing" in question, meanwhile, crawled around the perimeter of the room, stopping occasionally to stick his tongue out and ingest a speck of dust or a bit of dirt. Both Celestia and Luna stared at the Weavil, the former wearing a visage of disgust, and the latter smiling with maternal pride.
"He'll probably eat anything!" Luna proudly told her sister.
Celestia idly wondered if the Weavil liked bananas...
***
Twilight blinked at Pinkie Pie. "A what? What was the first step?"
"A cliffhanger, Twilight. You read so many books; haven't you ever seen a cliffhanger? Like that one in Sherlock Holmes. Actually, that was the first cliffhanger, and it got its name because-"
Twilight cut off Pinkie's Sherlock Holmes story with an expertly-executed, but temporary, STFU* spell. Pinkie's mouth closed against her own will, and the party pony decided that might be a sign to listen.
"Whatever. How do we 'do a cliffhanger'?" Twilight then ended the spell, allowing Pinkie to speak.
"We already did it. Next step: gather the gang," Pinkie said.
"The gang? Pinkie, you're not suggesting violence, are you?" Twilight was appalled.
"No! Of course **not! We just have to get our friends."
Twilight let out a relieved sigh; the thought of Pinkie breaking anything else was a bit too much for her at the moment. She sat down and rubbed her head with her hooves as she thought about Pinkie's suggestion. It made sense, she supposed, but it came from Pinkie Pie of all ponies. She sighed again.
"What do we do after that?"
Pinkie rubbed her chin with her hoof. "We need to-"
A crash interrupted Pinkie's rare moment of sense and forethought, as Rainbow Dash re-shattered Twilight's window. She zipped down the stairs and shoved herself into the conversation.
"What'd I miss?" Rainbow expertly avoided any mention of her smashing Twilight's window (which was also technically public property). Twilight glared, but decided to leave the issue for later; concentrating on Blockhead was the most important task at hoof.
"Pinkie is explaining why we need to 'round up the gang' to find Blockhead."
Rainbow Dash nodded. "Well we can't do anything without the gang at full capacity," she said. "We all have roles to play." Pinkie nodded in agreement, but Twilight simply cocked an eyebrow.
"Roles?" she asked.
"Of course! Let me explain. You," she gestured to Twilight, "are the brains. AJ and I are the muscle, and Pinkie Pie is the wild card." Pinkie Pie frowned.
"Hold up," she said. "I'm the wildcard? That. Is. Awesome!" She smiled and bounced around the room with delight.
"Hold up," Twilight responded. "What about Fluttershy and Rarity?"
"They're the useless chicks!"
***
An acre of apple trees dripped with saliva. Splintered carriages littered the dusty roads. The saloon's windows read "ghostmas cheer for all" in sloppy red paint. All was not well in the settler town of Appleoosa, and a certain human was to blame. Currently, this particular human stood atop an unhappy stallion, his two feet caked with dry glue.
"Why did you need to glue yourself to this poor pony," asked Blockhead's grumpy watcher.
"Safety! These cars don't have seat belts," Blockhead exclaimed while precariously balancing atop his "car".
"Where did you even get all this glue?" The bodiless man realized he'd never seen this much adhesive in his life.
Blockhead frowned. "It's easy to get glue with all these horses around." He waved his arm to indicate the deserted frontier town as a lone tumbleweed rolled down an adjacent street.
Before the only two sane minds in the area could respond to the answer's morbid implications, Blockhead leaned over, his spine and legs making an acute angle, and pushed his face against the horse's face. It was at this moment that the horse, Braeburn, mentally kicked himself for having ventured out of his home so late at night. Strongheart will be so happy to see you, he thought. It'll be romantic. What could go wrong? He took a moment to glance at what remained of the box of chocolates he had purchased for his secret lover. The red box, wrinkled and coated in drool, was nailed to the side of a building a few feet in front of him.
Blockhead derailed the sad pony's train of thought. "Quickly, take me to your nearest Canterlot! The Weavil awaits!"
With no apparent alternative, Braeburn complied and trotted to the train station. Hopefully the midnight express had already left by now, he thought, only to have his hopes obliterated by the unmistakable chugga-chugga of the train. As he hung his head, the disembodied voice addressed him.
"I know it sounds extreme, but if you jump in front of the train right now, you'll save countless lives; you'd be a national hero."
***
*Twilight note:It stands for Silencing Trivial and Frivolous Utterances.
