Pinkie Pie: Gallows Humor
Author's Note: each chapter of the Monster Mash has its own tone, and while none of them are truly grim, some are darker than others. If you're reading this chapter right after 'The Big Battle', consider yourself warned.
Rainbow Dash couldn't sleep.
She tossed and turned on her cloud bed, eyes squeezed shut, body tense, hair frazzled. Below her, the base of her cloud home grumbled, the usually white cloud having gone gray and stormy, threatening rain but never quite producing it. She wasn't sure if it was reflecting her mood or just rebelling without her keeping it in line, but either way it wasn't helping.
Not that silence would have helped either. Silence just left a void to fill with her thoughts, which made it that much harder for her not to think, especially when she was trying not to think about one thing in particular. That was working out about as well as she could expect; her thoughts kept circling around like a tornado, pulling her back to that no-fly zone again and again, and each time the storm did a little more damage, making it harder and harder to pull away.
She'd tried spending the day flying, pushing herself for longer than she ever had before, no fancy tricks or flashy stunts, just raw speed for as long as she could sustain it. It hadn't helped. Oh, her body was tired—aching, begging for sleep—but her brain was spinning in circles as fast as ever, and the result was a sort of spastic twitch that added a new level of futility to her efforts to fight insomnia.
When the knock at the door came, it was almost a relief. Almost.
Rainbow Dash's eyes snapped open, then stared blearily at darkness. "Wh' time izzit?" she mumbled, trying to focus on her clock, giving up after a moment. It was just too much effort. At any rate, she was pretty sure it was somewhere around buzz off o'clock. Whoever was at her door would just have to wait until morning.
Thump thump, the door said.
"Go 'way!" she protested, though too weakly for her voice to carry far, and rolled over, stuffing some cloud in her ears. She didn't know what was so important, and she didn't care. Right now, the only important thing in her universe was getting some sweet, blessed sleep.
Thump thump thump thump thump.
"Auuuugh," Rainbow Dash half-screamed, half-moaned, as she realized her nocturnal visitor wasn't going to give up. Staggering from the relative comfort of her bed on shaky legs, she stumbled through the house, calling out, "All right, all right! I'm coming already!" It didn't seem to matter to the door, though, which just kept thumping as if somepony were trying to beat it down. Each thump made Dash's skull vibrate like it was being used as a drum, and by the time she finally reached the door, anger had given her some semblance of alertness and energy, enough for her to swing the door open violently and yell, "What!?"
There was no one there.
Staring uncomprehendingly at the empty space for a long moment, Rainbow Dash could only think of one thing to say: "If this is your idea of a joke, it's not funny!" She didn't even know who she was talking to; nopony she knew would be so cruel. Whoever it was didn't answer, though, and so she slammed the door and stumbled back to bed, grumbling incoherently the whole way.
By the time she reached the bed, her anger had drained away, leaving her feeling even more exhausted. Craving the release of sleep with almost violent desperation, she half-rolled, half-fell onto the bed's fluffy goodness.
Only to punch straight through.
She screamed, trying to sort her body out and catch herself with her wings, but her body was slow and stiff even with adrenaline shooting through it, and the distance between her cloud home and the ground was the worst possible distance: high enough to hurt, but not high enough for her to get into any sort of controlled flight. She smacked into the ground hard, a tangled ball of limbs and pain, and for a moment she saw stars.
Fortunately, Rainbow Dash was tougher than she looked, and after a moment she was able to shift herself, confirm that nothing was worse than bruised. Which left only one question in her mind. "What the...?" she began, looking up.
There was a hole in the cloud that hadn't been there before, the width and length of her bed, tunneling straight up through the cloud until it reached the bed's base. Only a thin layer of cloud had been left to disguise the trap, and that layer hadn't been enough to support Dash's weight. It was a pit trap in the sky, and even in her addled state, she could only think of one prankster ingenious enough to pull it off.
"Pinkie Pie, I'll get you for this if it's the last—"
Then she remembered.
Then she cried.
Rarity found her some hours later, the pegasus having cried herself to sleep where she fell, and managed to coax her into joining Rarity in a trip to the spa. It was a measure of Dash's mental state that she'd agreed without argument, and Rarity promised herself not to take advantage of that: no pestering about beauty treatment, no scented oils or mud masks, just a nice hot soak, a good scrub, and a thorough massage. Dash slept through most of it, which Rarity thought was for the best, all things considered. They'd all been hit hard, but the weather pony had it the worst of all of them.
With the spa session complete, Rarity had asked Rainbow Dash to join her for lunch, and again the pegasus offered no protest. She still seemed asleep on her feet, though; Rarity had to order for her, and she ate her salad with all the joie de vivre of a gravestone—
Rarity cringed inwardly. Bad example. At any rate, it didn't seem she'd be able to offer Rainbow Dash more than a decent meal in who knew how long; her few attempts to start a conversation had fallen flat, and she wasn't sure what she could say that would make a difference anyway.
It came as a surprise, then, when Rainbow Dash was the one to speak up.
"Rarity?"
"Yes, Rainbow Dash?" Rarity looked up from her own mostly-empty plate of greens, adopting her best expression of earnest attention.
"Do you believe in ghosts?"
The question caught Rarity off guard. "I... I don't know what you mean, dear," she replied, though she feared she could guess.
"Last night, somepony knocked at my door, and when I went to look, there was nopony there. And when I went back to bed, they'd dug a hole straight through my cloud!"
"Oh, how awful!" Rarity replied, aghast at the thought of someone interrupting her beauty sleep like that.
Rainbow Dash wasn't finished. "And it's just... who would even do that? And how? There aren't that many pegasus ponies in Ponyville, and none of 'em are that fast. I mean, maybe I could do it, but not that neatly."
"Maybe there was more than one...?" Rarity said, groping for the right word; even 'villain' seemed too mild. She couldn't imagine the level of cruelty involved in playing a prank like that on Rainbow Dash at a time like this.
"More than one pony in Ponyville who'd wanna pull a stunt like that?" Dash replied, echoing her thoughts. "I can only think of one pony who would. Who could."
Rarity frowned slightly. She'd been afraid that was where the conversation was headed. "Are you quite certain you didn't dream the whole thing? You've been under a lot of stress—"
"I'm not lying!" Dash protested, thumping a hoof on the table, glaring at Rarity.
"I never said you were," Rarity replied with as much poise as she could muster. "But, darling, we all miss Pinkie Pie. Isn't it possible you just imagined the sort of prank she'd pull?"
Rainbow Dash looked like she wanted to scream at the unicorn, but the moment passed, and her head sunk. "I guess that does sound more likely than her... pranking me from beyond the grave, huh?" Her voice hitched, and Rarity reached across the table to put her hoof on Dash's.
"For what it's worth... if there's anypony who could pull it off, it'd be her," she said, willing Rainbow Dash to see the compassion in her eyes. After a moment, Dash looked up, and though it looked forced, she managed a slight smile.
"Yeah. I guess you're right. Uh... thanks. Y'know. For everything."
Rarity nodded slightly. "Think nothing of it, dear. We need to be there for each other. Especially now."
The rest of the meal passed in silence.
Rarity couldn't sleep.
It wasn't that Rainbow Dash's words had gotten to her. Of course not. She wasn't a little filly to jump at superstitious nonsense. Much as she might miss Pinkie Pie's antics, she knew there was no coming back from beyond... especially after departing in such a... spectacular manner.
Honestly, what were the odds?
Still, she hadn't yet had time to properly grieve for her loss. Pinkie Pie had more or less taken over party planning for the entire town on her arrival, and that included funerals, odd as that might sound. Twilight Sparkle had volunteered to take on the responsibility for her friend's memorial, and Rarity was confident that Twilight would approach the task with the same professionalism she brought to anything she cared about, but she'd yet to even set a date.
Not that Rarity was being any more productive, she had to admit. She'd hoped a bit of sewing would help take her mind off things, but she'd been completely unable to get into the zone, producing only scraps for her efforts. Her earlier attempt at designing had been even less fruitful, the blank pages seeming to taunt her as she stared at them.
She sighed, getting up from the sewing machine. Maybe some hot tea would help.
Then she paused, looking around intently. She wasn't sure, but she thought she'd heard something. For a long moment, she waited to see if she'd hear it again.
There! It was a faint sound, but something was definitely moving downstairs. Something heavy. Could someone be trying to rob her? Heavens!
Well, she wasn't going to stand idly by while someone rustled through her latest designs, ripping seams and getting dirt all over dresses. Slowly she crept toward the stairs, pausing as she reached them, considering her options. It'd be tricky to get down them quietly, especially with a sneakthief alert for any sound that might mean he'd been caught in the act.
Plan B it was, then. She charged down the stairs, hoping he'd be too frightened by her sudden appearance to put up a fight, and paused in the doorway leading into the shop, turning the boutique's lights on with a flick of her magic.
And stared.
And screamed.
Fluttershy was worried.
She was not, despite what some might think, a worrier. She was timid, yes, and sometimes anxious, but she wasn't the sort of pony to work herself up into a huge lather if any little part of her daily routine went wrong. At least, not without encouragement.
Still, it wasn't like Rarity to miss a spa day at all, let alone one they shared. The unicorn had been instrumental in keeping her from withdrawing entirely into her shell on coming to Ponyville, more so in some ways than Rainbow Dash. More to the point, the only thing she enjoyed more than making herself beautiful was helping others to be beautiful.
As Fluttershy approached the Boutique, she told herself that something must have come up, some rush order or other, that had kept Rarity too busy even to cancel her appointment. Fluttershy just needed to see it for herself, and then the uncomfortable feeling in her stomach would settle down.
She reached the door of the Boutique, gave it a gentle push, and was surprised when nothing happened. Maybe Rarity didn't want to be disturbed? She hesitated, then knocked at the door. "Rarity?" she wondered timidly.
Nothing continued to happen.
Fluttershy dithered. Should she try knocking again? But what if Rarity was busy? She didn't want to be a bother. What if something was wrong, though? What if something had happened to Rarity? But she couldn't just barge in. That would be incredibly rude. Where was Sweetie Belle, anyway? She'd be at school. Would she know what was going on? She might have slept over with one of her friends, and to take her out of class would be awkward even if she did know—
Rarity screamed.
Fluttershy jumped, turned toward the door, and rammed it before she quite knew what she was doing. The lock gave way, leaving her to stare wide-eyed at her friend, trembling at the steps on the far side of the boutique, surrounded by—
—mannequins?
Puzzled, Fluttershy made her way over to Rarity, who seemed to be coming to her senses. "Um, I'm sorry about breaking your door," Fluttershy stammered, not sure what else to say.
Rarity waved off the apology, pushing herself to her feet. "It's quite all right, dear. I'm sorry for startling you so." She still looked a touch pale.
"What happened here?" Fluttershy wondered, looking from the mannequins to Rarity.
"Oh, it was just dreadful!" Rarity replied. "I was up late working, and I heard a noise from downstairs, and when I came down to see what was happening, I saw this!" She gestured at the mannequins. "It was too much to bear! And then to wake, only to find them still here? My heart's still pounding!"
"It must have been very scary," Fluttershy soothed. A half-dozen mannequins staring at her disapprovingly when she turned on the light? It was no wonder Rarity had fainted.
"So ghastly," Rarity agreed, looking at the mannequins with distaste. "They couldn't possibly have chosen worse hats to go with those dresses!" She reached out with her magic and begun to swap hats, unable to bear it any longer.
Fluttershy blinked. "You mean... it wasn't the mannequins that scared you?"
"Oh, well, yes, that was startling too, I suppose," Rarity replied. "But to think, someone broke into my shop just to do this? Somepony has a sick sense of humor."
Fluttershy wasn't quite sure she understood, so she focused on what she did understand. "Who do you think did this?"
"I haven't a clue," Rarity admitted. "The last time I got such a fright was when Pinkie Pie..."
An awkward silence fell over the room.
"Would... would you like me to help you clean up?" Fluttershy offered.
"No no, it's quite all right," Rarity replied. "There. That should hold them until we get back from the spa." Fluttershy wasn't sure why this arrangement of hats and dresses was such a vast improvement, but she knew better than to say so. "Just give me a moment to freshen up, all right, darling? Goodness me, I may need two sessions today."
Rarity headed back upstairs, leaving Fluttershy to peer at the mannequins and wonder. Was this somepony's way of trying to fill the gap Pinkie Pie had left behind?
Or was it something else?
Twilight Sparkle couldn't sleep.
It'd been nearly a week since Pinkie Pie had died, and she still couldn't bring herself to believe it. They'd been through so much together, survived things that could have killed them a dozen times over, and yet they were still young enough to believe themselves invincible. Pinkie Pie especially; if she walked through Twilight's door right now, Twilight wouldn't have questioned for a second that the pony had somehow managed to survive... that.
"Pinkie Pie," she sighed softly, "you are so random." It was something she'd heard Rainbow Dash say more than once, and it seemed to fit the pink pony even in death. Who else would find a way to be killed that, as far as she'd been able to research, had never happened to any pony in the history of Equestria before?
She looked up at the stars, feeling little solace in their cool light. Princess Luna hadn't known Pinkie Pie well, and the times they had met had been problematic, but all the same she and Celestia had both mourned Pinkie's loss. Celestia had very nearly declared a day of national mourning, held back only by the obvious objection: Pinkie Pie would never want that.
They hadn't actually honored her death yet. A funeral seemed too somber; a wake seemed to fit better. But the wound was still too raw, and Twilight had been unable to read the book she'd found on party planning without bursting into tears. She'd brought it with her onto the balcony, but she hadn't yet brought herself to open it.
She heard a distant thump.
One ear perked. Was that someone knocking at the front door? It seemed unlikely, and she hadn't noticed anypony approaching the library, but she supposed she should take a look. She wasn't in any real rush, though. If someone needed a book at this hour of the night, they could wait a minute or two.
More thumps followed.
Twilight frowned. That hadn't sounded like knocking. The quality of the sound was wrong, too muffled; if someone had knocked on the door that gently, she wouldn't have been able to hear it. She walked over to the edge of the balcony, peered into the darkness below, but saw nothing. "Hello? Anypony down there?" she called anyway.
Another thump, this one a loud one.
Twilight recognized the sound. She'd heard it many times before. Books hitting carpet, from the third... no, fourth shelf. "Spike, are you awake?" she called, heading back into the darkened library; she couldn't think why he'd want to be reading at this hour, and all the books at his reading level were closer to the floor for obvious reasons, but she didn't know what else might explain the sound.
More and louder thumps. Twilight froze, some nameless terror chilling her veins at the strange sounds, but fear turned to anger at the thought of an intruder damaging her books—or worse, planning to steal them!—and she raced down the stairs. "Hold it right there!" she commanded, lighting the lanterns with a thought, her horn blazing with gathered energy as she faced down
an empty room.
"Huh?" she said, looking around suspiciously for any shadows a pony could hide in—only to scream and jump as a small group of books slid off the shelf in front of her and landed on the floor. She quickly recovered, passed the light of her horn over the shelves, but sensed nothing amiss, no spell residue, nopony hiding behind the books.
Cautiously she made her way over to the windows, finding them unbroken, then the door, finding it still locked. Puzzled, she turned to look at the shelves themselves and spotted something she hadn't noticed before, having been looking at the shelves at an oblique angle.
The spaces where the books had been formed a smiling face.
Twilight called her friends together first thing in the morning.
"I told you something was going on!" Rainbow Dash declared triumphantly to Rarity, the five of them, plus Spike, seated around Twilight's kitchen table.
"There's no need to jump to conclusions just yet," Rarity protested. "Whoever did this may simply have abysmal taste. There's no call for you to be telling ghost stories."
"I never said anything about ghosts," Rainbow Dash replied smugly. "But come on! Pranking me, you, and Twilight, three nights in a row, and none of us can figure out how? There's only one pony I know who could have pulled that off."
"There's only one way to know for sure," Twilight replied. "And that's to catch them in the act."
"How are we supposed to do that?" Rarity blinked.
"Applejack," Rainbow Dash said, and all eyes turned to a confused-looking farm pony. "She's the only one of us that hasn't been pranked yet."
"Now hang on just a second," Applejack replied. "Fluttershy hasn't been pranked neither."
"But Pinkie Pie would never prank Fluttershy!" Rainbow Dash said.
"And what if our intruder isn't some..." Rarity began, searching for the right word.
"Pinkie poltergeist?" Twilight suggested.
Rarity nodded. "Will they know that?" she finished.
Applejack considered the situation. "Well, I suppose if we were all in the same place, they'd have to come to us if they were planning any funny business. And the farmhouse is a mite bigger than your country cottage, no offense, sugarcube." Fluttershy just nodded.
"Right, it's settled," Rainbow Dash said, thumping her hoof on the table. "We're gonna catch our prankster pink-hooved!"
"What if it is Pinkie Pie's ghost?" Fluttershy stammered. "What do we do then?"
"Spike," Twilight said, "do we still have that copy of Portram's Paranormal Compilation?"
"I think so, Twilight." Spike looked thoughtful. "I'll go check."
"Who's the what now?" Applejack wondered.
"It's a collection of lore on identifying and dealing with the supernatural," Twilight answered. "I don't know how authentic it is, but the spells in it do something. I just can't tell what without having an actual... subject." Twilight didn't look comfortable with the situation, and Applejack couldn't blame her.
"And if it's just some idiot trying to be clever, we ought to be able to buck some sense into them," Applejack replied.
Twilight nodded, looking somberly at the assembled faces. "All right. Let's find out what's going on here. One way or the other."
Fluttershy couldn't sleep.
They'd agreed to take turns staying up and listening for an intruder, and right now it was technically Applejack's turn, but Fluttershy hadn't felt tired when her turn was over, and Applejack looked so peaceful when she was asleep, so Fluttershy had decided not to wake her.
She was beginning to wonder if that had been a good idea, though. Not that she was in danger of nodding off and missing an intruder. Quite the opposite, really; she was too nervous to sleep without some other pony to watch over her. What if Rainbow Dash was wrong and it wasn't Pinkie Pie, just some pony with a really bad sense of humor? What if she did catch the pony in the act? What might they do in a panic to keep their identity secret?
And what if it was Pinkie's ghost? From what few ghost stories she knew, ponies didn't just decide to become ghosts, especially nice ponies like Pinkie Pie. It took something awful to make a ghost, something like dying in a truly... terrible way.
Like what happened to Pinkie Pie.
And she hadn't heard any stories about happy ghosts, either. Some of them were sad. Most of them were angry. Some of them were very angry.
Did Pinkie blame them for not somehow saving her? Was this her way of letting them know they were on her list? Was she just getting warmed up for something really dreadful?
It occurred to Fluttershy that she might actually be a bit of a worrier.
She couldn't help it, though. She didn't even know what kind of prank Pinkie might think to pull. She'd never been good at pranks, and the last time she'd had any played on her was back in Cloudsdale. Sticking somepony's hoof in a bowl of warm water or sticking a note to someone's flank didn't seem like Pinkie's style, though, even if she wasn't a ghost.
Anyway, with all five of them in the farmhouse, plus the rest of the Apple clan, it seemed like whoever was doing this was taking an awfully big risk. It'd be much safer to do something outside where nopony would notice until morning, like—
Fluttershy froze, then carefully crept toward the window and peered out.
One of Applejack's trees was burning with a pale blue flame.
The fire wasn't harming the trees. That wasn't the point.
In fact, it wasn't technically the tree that was on fire. Only the apples were burning, the flames causing the skins of the fruit to turn orange and form black stripes. In a matter of moments, the tree was festooned not with apples but with cheery jack-o-lanterns. (Applelanterns had a nice ring to it, she thought.) Once one tree was done, the flames jumped to the next tree. It was hard work, but she was confident she'd have done enough of them by morning to really leave an impression.
Then Twilight Sparkle was there. That was surprising.
What was more surprising was what Twilight did next. She had a book with her—that wasn't the surprising part—and she started reading from it, her horn glowing brighter as she did—that wasn't the surprising part either. The surprising part was that the words hurt. They weren't loud, but they went into her head and did funny things, things she didn't like.
She tried to run away, but she couldn't. She couldn't even do her special running away trick! It was like the words were a rope and Twilight's horn was a stake; all she could do was waggle around on the end of the rope, which would have been more fun if Twilight would just stop saying those hurtful things.
She could see her other friends coming out of the farmhouse now, headed her way. Maybe they could tell Twilight to stop. She tried herself, but Twilight wasn't listening for some reason, just saying more of those words.
Twilight knelt, touching her horn to the ground, and said a final syllable. The rope snapped, and Pinkie staggered back, only to hit a wall that hadn't been there before. She looked around dazedly, seeing the wall all around her, shining from a circle on the ground and reaching up, way too high to jump. On the other side of the wall, her friends stared at her, their expressions mixtures of shock, amazement, and fear.
What was with them all anyway? They looked like they'd seen a ghost!
"I'm seeing it," Applejack said, "but I don't believe it."
She spoke for all of them in a sense. Even Rainbow Dash, who'd most hoped they'd find Pinkie Pie had found a way to cheat death, wasn't sure how to react to the sight. The burning fruit had been eerie enough, but when Twilight begun to cast her spell, a shape had appeared in the air, a shape that had become a spectral Pinkie, hovering in the air as if it was no big deal, beating on the invisible walls that had made her visible to begin with. She looked afraid, like she didn't even recognize them, and wailed unpleasantly.
"Should... should we try giggling at her?" Fluttershy suggested. None of them felt quite up to trying.
"So what do we do?" Rarity said, a moment later.
There was no response.
"Twilight?" Applejack ventured. Twilight jerked.
"Huh? Oh! Right! Sorry, I just... I didn't think it would actually work. I mean... wow. Just... wow."
"Twilight," Applejack repeated, "what do we do?"
"Uh." Twilight looked back to the book, flipped through it urgently. "There's a section on laying spirits to rest. It should... should only take a couple of minutes—"
"What!?" Rainbow Dash protested. "We just found out she's still here, and you wanna kill her?"
"She's already dead!" Twilight shouted, driving Dash back. "I can't bring her back to life! Not even the princesses can do that!" From the sudden fury, Rainbow Dash realized Twilight had asked. She swallowed at the thought of Celestia denying her prized student anything.
"I'm sorry," Twilight continued, voice thick. "Stay away from the circle. She may try to... break out." She looked at the book again, cleared her throat, then began to read, more of those long, sonorous words that made Dash's ears itch. Supposedly anypony, not just a unicorn, could use the spells in the book and have them work. Twilight had simply been the obvious choice for doing them right.
Pinkie's ghost screamed again, and Fluttershy answered that scream. Rainbow Dash looked up in shock. Pinkie's form was changing, flashes of bone and muscle appearing, her whole body twisting in agony. With each passing second, she looked more and more like she had...
...when they saw her.
When she died.
When Dash failed her.
"I can't," Dash realized, the words almost inaudible. Then, before even she knew what she was doing, she charged forward, screaming, "I can't!" Applejack tried to stop her, but for once the earth pony's grasp on her tail was just a hair too slow, and Dash was able to surge forward... and cross the circle.
The barrier that trapped Pinkie didn't feel like anything to her. Her half-formed plan to tackle the ghost out of the circle didn't work either; she felt only a bone-chilling cold as she passed through Pinkie. One of her hooves scraped the ground where the circle glowed, though, and that was enough; the barrier popped like a soap bubble.
Even as Rainbow Dash collapsed, suddenly so very tired, and Twilight fell backward from the feedback of the spell, Pinkie Pie fled.
She went back to Ponyville, her mind a jumble.
Twilight had hurt her. Twilight Sparkle, her best friend in the history of friends, had hurt her.
And the rest had watched. Even Rainbow Dash, her extra super best friend, had watched as she screamed and begged and cried, until at last she couldn't watch any more and let her go. That's what made her Pinkie's extra super best friend.
But still! She'd watched—they'd all watched as Twilight hurt her! She didn't even know why! First they'd been ignoring her, and then they'd started crying when they talked about her, and now it was like they didn't even want her around anymore! She couldn't even understand what she'd done wrong!
She stumbled home, or thought she did. She'd been feeling bad for... a while. Sick, maybe. Things looked weird, and sometimes she forgot how she got somewhere. She couldn't remember the last time she'd eaten. When she tried to remember, tried to think about anything too hard, her brain got all jumbly wumbly.
Maybe she was sick. Maybe Twilight was just trying to make her feel better. Maybe she hadn't understood because she was sick. Maybe it was just really nasty medicine. That made way more sense than Twilight hurting her on purpose. Yes, she'd just stay here, and Twilight would find her, and they'd have a good laugh after about how sick she was that she didn't even know Twilight was trying to—
Pinkie paused.
She wasn't in her room.
She was in a little room in Nurse Redheart's house, a room that didn't get a lot of use. In fact, the last time she'd been here, it'd been when they found Old Withers on his farm the day after it'd been super cold out, and he'd—
—he'd—
Pinkie Pie slowly looked down, into the coffin on the table in front of her.
Saw a familiar pink face, smiling and peaceful, looking as if she was just taking a nap. As long as you didn't look too closely at... the rest of her.
She's already dead.
No.
I can't bring her back to life.
No!
Not even the princesses can do that.
It wasn't fair.
I'm sorry.
"It's not fair!" Pinkie howled—
—and the world went red.
Rainbow Dash skidded to a stop in mid-air, the rest of the group following suit, and stared in shock at the sight before her.
Ponyville was burning.
"Oh, mercy," Applejack said, removing her hat as she looked on. The flames didn't seem to be harming the buildings, but they were panicking ponies nonetheless, sending them screaming through the streets.
The flames were the least of their worries. The town seemed to be full of angry ghosts, ponies and... parts of ponies brought back from who knows where, and each and every one seemed bent on tormenting the living. They'd pop up from the ground or out of walls, lashing out at ponies, sending them running first down one street, then another, in a desperate attempt to escape. Nopony had been hurt, at least that they could see, but if this went on, it couldn't end well.
At the center of it all, a pillar of light, a deep, angry red, swirled around a building they'd all last been inside under very unhappy circumstances.
"We've got to stop her!" Rainbow Dash yelled. "We can't let her do this!"
"I was trying to stop her!" Twilight yelled back, her eyes seeming to glow red in the unearthly light. "You wouldn't let me!"
"I'm sorry!" Dash shouted back. "I... I didn't know she'd do this!"
"That doesn't matter now," Applejack said, stepping between the two and giving each a stern look. "What matters is, how do we shut this down?"
Twilight worked her mouth a moment, brought the book up again, looked through it. "I can protect us from the ghosts, but I can't do it and stop Pinkie," she said. "Someone else will have to do that."
Rarity nodded, opened her mouth to volunteer.
"I'll do it!"
"What?" Rarity said, gaping at Rainbow Dash. "You can't possibly—"
"My fault," Dash replied. "My responsibility. All I have to do is say the words, right?"
Twilight nodded, skimmed the book to be sure she had her own incantation right, flipped it to the right page, and pressed it on Rainbow Dash. "It'll be easier if it's just the two of us," she said. "Applejack, you keep Fluttershy and Rarity safe."
Applejack nodded solemnly. "You've got my word, Twilight. You come back safe too."
Twilight nodded once, then, beginning to chant, led Rainbow Dash into the storm.
It was an eerie sight, like being in the eye of a tornado.
All around them, chaos reigned; fires blazed, ghosts screamed, ponies panicked. Every so often, a ghost would try to leap at them, only to turn away at the last second. There was no shimmering bubble of force, nothing obviously magical holding them back, just Twilight's calm, measured words. Who'd come up with these spells? How'd they wind up in a book Twilight had last used for costume ideas, of all things? Rainbow Dash wasn't sure she even wanted to know.
They reached Nurse Redheart's office. The nurse was lying on the street in front of it, looking like she'd been frightened to death. Dash felt a lump in her throat, one that lingered even after she knelt next to the pony, felt her thready pulse.
Pinkie Pie was killing ponies. Might have killed ponies already. Rainbow Dash's fault.
She looked at the book she was cradling in her forelegs as she hovered beside Twilight. All she had to do was read the passages where Pinkie Pie could hear them. One for binding a ghost to prevent it from escaping. One to banish a bound ghost from the land of the living. Simple. A minute, tops.
A minute to kill her friend.
The door opened for them. The flames on the walls, the light shining all around them, peeled away from Twilight's voice.
Rainbow Dash knew the way. It hadn't been that long, after all. A right here. A left there. The most isolated part of the building, used the least. Wouldn't want to disturb the patients.
There weren't any patients here now. Just ghosts. How many had died here? How many had died peacefully, in their sleep? Killed in the frontier days? From illness or accident or even violence? Ponyville was supposed to be a small town; just how many dead ponies could it have to its name?
They entered the room. It probably had some fancy medical name. Rainbow Dash didn't care. They'd put Pinkie on a table, and then they'd put her in a box, and then they were going to put her in the ground as soon as Twilight thought of just the right words to say.
She'd found the words now, but Rainbow Dash would have to say them.
Pinkie was there, though Dash barely recognized her. She was blazing with fury, the pink of her mane no longer so cheerful when it was the only light to see by, crimson rage burning. She saw them immediately, tried to attack them. Forced Twilight back a step somehow, without even touching her.
The words. Rainbow Dash looked down at the book, began to read. They were harder to pronounce than she'd expected, but Twilight had made little pencil notes, just in case.
Pinkie's ghost recognized the danger, tried to flee. Too late already, she was caught by the first syllable. She tried to attack them, but Twilight held her back with an increasing effort.
Rainbow Dash read. She couldn't rush it. She didn't know what would happen if she said one of the words wrong.
There was a big mark on the page. What did the mark mean? Oh, she was done with the first part. She looked up.
It had worked. Pinkie was caught in an invisible tube again, the light in the room faded, just enough to read by. The other ghosts were still restless, still beating at Twilight's defenses, but they would go away once Pinkie was banished, right?
Rainbow Dash looked at the book. Looked up at Pinkie.
There was a long silence.
"I can't," Rainbow Dash said again. She couldn't kill Pinkie Pie.
But she couldn't let Pinkie Pie kill anypony else either.
She stepped toward the tube, despite Twilight's desperate glare. Unable to stop chanting for even a second, her voice the only thing keeping the ghosts from jumping them both, Twilight was forced to follow Dash closer.
"Pinkie!" Rainbow Dash yelled. "Pinkie!"
She couldn't tell if the ghost understood her or not. Its form had become a sort of blur of red, only vaguely recognizable shapes inside it.
"Pinkie, you have to calm down!" Dash yelled. "There are ghosts running around, and everypony's scared, and some ponies have been hurt already, and... and..." She searched for something, anything she could say that would get through to the ghost, something Pinkie would understand.
"Pinkie, this isn't funny anymore!"
The ghosts, all of the ghosts, hesitated. Pinkie's ghost was still for a long moment, then deflated like a balloon inside its tube, turning into something Rainbow Dash had only seen once before: straight-haired, abandoned, lonely Pinkamena, eyes wide and wet with tears, standing on her hind legs and pressing her hooves against the invisible barrier.
"I'm sorry!" Pinkie said. "I was just... I didn't know what was happening, and nopony would pay attention to me, and I did my best jokes, and nopony laughed, and then Twilight hurt me, and I ran away, only I wound up here, and it's not fair, Rainbow Dash! It's not fair!"
"I know it's not fair, Pinkie," Rainbow Dash said, closing her eyes, squeezing her own tears out. "It's not fair at all. If I could just... bring you back somehow..."
There was a moment's silence, save for Twilight's continued chanting. Her voice was starting to sound ragged.
"Twilight!" Rainbow Dash said, turning to the unicorn. "We don't have to banish her, right? I mean, we can get rid of the other ghosts and... and not have to send her away, right?"
Pinkie Pie looked uncertain. "But then I'll still be a ghostie! Forever!"
"It's that or send you off to wherever you're supposed to go!" Dash said, turning back to Pinkie. "If that's what you want, I... I'll do it, but I don't think these ghosts are gonna wait much longer!" The ghosts Pinkie's rage had brought up were beginning to look restless again, pressing at the force Twilight's words exerted.
Pinkie Pie hesitated, looking around as if trying to read another option off the walls or something. One of the ghosts attacked Rainbow Dash, forcing her to edge closer to Twilight, and that seemed to decide the issue.
"I don't want to leave!" Pinkie cried. "I want to stay with you, Dashie! You and Twilight and all my friends! I don't care if you can't see or hear me! I don't care if it means I can't ever throw a party again!" She gazed at Rainbow Dash with sky-blue eyes, looking for that one moment as real and solid as Dash had ever seen her. "Please..."
Dash turned again. "Twilight!" she pleaded. The unicorn didn't answer, but the book in Dash's arms began to glow, and it quickly turned itself to a new page. Dash scanned the page hurriedly, not understanding at first what Twilight was trying to tell her... then smiled, realizing she'd been offered that third option.
"Thanks, Twilight," she said, voice barely audible over the lamentations of the dead, then turned her eyes to the ghost of her best friend. "Hang on, Pinkie!" she shouted. "I'm coming!"
Then she stepped into the column with Pinkie Pie.
Applejack, Rarity, and Fluttershy watched from the outskirts of Ponyville as their friends disappeared into its streets. They'd been in Nurse Redheart's for at least a few minutes now, Applejack reckoned, at least if she'd seen correctly; there'd been a sort of shadow against the flame, the sign of whatever spell Twilight had used to get them inside.
"We should be doing something," Rarity protested, looking worriedly at the town. "Surely between the three of us we could evacuate at least some of the ponies from Ponyville, right?"
"I promised Twilight I'd keep you two safe, and I intend to keep that promise," Applejack said, beginning to unwind her lasso. Rarity noticed, and her eyes widened.
"What do you propose to do with that?"
"I don't suppose you two'll get into too much trouble if I tie you to one of these here trees, will you? At least, not enough for me to regret leavin' you behind."
Rarity understood immediately. "You're very brave, Applejack," she said, "but I can't ask you to go alone."
"I ain't askin' anything either," Applejack replied. "If I have to hogtie you to keep you out of trouble, I will. I'm suggesting maybe you'll be more comfortable if—"
Then the screaming stopped.
The three turned to look at Ponyville just in time to see the red light recede like the tide, pulling fires and ghosts with it, collecting into a swirling tornado over Nurse Redheart's office. There it hung for a long moment before sucking itself down into the building, vanishing utterly, leaving a strange silence.
Fluttershy was the first to break herself from the spell and hurry forward, but the other two were close behind. In the streets they found ponies, frightened, hurt, some unconscious, but all of them alive. They didn't linger long, just long enough to be sure nopony needed urgent aid, pressing on to the clinic.
Nurse Redheart was there, picking herself up gingerly, but no other ponies. It wasn't until the three reached the morgue that they found what they were looking for: Twilight and Rainbow Dash, both lying on the floor next to Pinkie Pie's casket. Rainbow Dash was unconscious, but Twilight was awake.
"Did you...?" Rarity began, once again unsure how to finish the sentence. Twilight shook her head slightly. "Then what happened to... well, everything?"
Twilight tried to speak, only croaked. Thankfully, her magic was still strong, so she plucked the book out from under Rainbow Dash, holding it up to Rarity, the page still open.
Rarity read silently, and her eyes widened. "Oh my."
Rainbow Dash was sleeping like a baby.
The incident hadn't been Ponyville's first brush with disaster, and it probably wouldn't be the last. Nopony was seriously hurt, though a few had hurt themselves in a panic and were sporting bandages or slings. There'd been some property damage as well—again, panicked ponies, plus pesky poltergeists—but nothing that couldn't be cleaned up in a day or two.
They had the wake three nights later. Pinkie Pie had been the guest of honor, of course, even though she could only attend in spirit. (Dash hadn't been able to believe Twilight could say that with a straight face.) Everypony who attended was encouraged to tell stories of how Pinkie had changed their lives for the better, and many ponies did. There were tears, but mostly laughter... just how she would have wanted it.
Rainbow Dash still hurt, even months later. They all did; Twilight Sparkle's last-second stroke of brilliance had been, well, brilliant, but it hadn't brought Pinkie back to life. Every day they had to remind themselves that Pinkie wasn't there to bring a smile to their faces, and that meant they had to pick up the slack. Fluttershy had even, rather timidly, played a joke on the Cutie Mark Crusaders, taking them out into Whitetail Wood at night to help her look for an injured snipe. (Even Dash had to admit, that was a stroke of genius. Nopony saw it coming from her.)
Daaaaashie...
Dash stirred on her cloud, mumbling something incoherent. She'd been busy busting clouds most of the day, and she really needed to be well-rested for tonight.
Oh, Rainbow Daaaaaash...
Somepony seemed to have other ideas, though. Groggily Dash blinked awake, looking over at the perky pink pony next to her—one only she could see.
"You know you don't actually need wings, right?" she grumbled at Pinkie Pie.
Come on, Rainbow Dash! Pinkie enthused, bouncing up and down on thin air and flapping pink wings. The sun's about to set, and you know what that means!
Dash stood and stretched. "Yeah, I know," she said. It wasn't easy for the dead to enter the realm of the living, especially a good-hearted ghost like Pinkie Pie, and even appearing for Rainbow Dash to see wasn't something she could do anytime she wanted. Some times made it easier, though. Like tonight. "Just remember, I'm not as flexible as you, okay? You just about broke something last time."
Just about only counts in horseshoes! Pinkie protested, only to receive a glare. Sighing, she performed the ritual: Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye. Rainbow Dash was positive that last bit hadn't looked so... disturbing before.
Almost positive.
"Remember the rules," Rainbow Dash said, looking her own bleached body over. "You only get to eat a third of the candy." Pinkie's usual intake would probably send Dash to join her.
Check!
"No doing anything really stupid with my body and leaving me to deal with it."
Checkerooni!
"And no singing!"
Awww, but your voice is even better than mine!
"No!"
Fine, check.
"Okay, then," Dash said, seeing the sun dipping under the horizon, the moon rising to take its place. "Let's do this."
Yippee! Pinkie declared, then rushed at Rainbow Dash. There was a moment of confusion—and then Rainbow Dash, returned to her usual colors, hovered nearby as Pinkie Pie fuzzled her borrowed mane, trying to get it to poof up appropriately.
Why didn't you have me dye myself pink, anyway? Dash wondered. It didn't seem like much of a Nightmare Night costume. A white body was a start, but a blonde mane?
"It's a surprise!" Pinkie replied.
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18781
Hey, I do things besides write, you know! You'll be glad to know, though, that "Pinkie Pie: Gallows Humor" is now complete. Give it a look and let me know if you spot anything that needs fixing; I didn't have my usual prereaders this time!
Hehe. Dat ending. Great job, and good luck to ya. Keep it up.
.......*shudders* I am very gland that these are oneshots that shouldnt be taken seriously...mabe for an ending, you could break the 4th wall? ...oh god that would be a scary ending.... Dash going monster sized while being possessed by pinkie pie.....do it!!!!!! Oh and are you going to have all of these up by halloween? It woulda like you have most of them written out...or stleast outlined......anyways....two more left to go! Btw: how did pinkie die?
What...what happened to Pinkie? How did she die?
You know, I think this has been the best one yet, in terms of how well-written it is.
Words cannot describe...
Excellent, purely excellent. Best chapter yet.
It's implied that Pinkie Pie's death was excessively violent, so as far as I'm concerned I'm going to imagine she exploded—and then she exploded again.
18960 Very messily, apparently.
Hmmm... This one was a fair bit darker than the rest...
Wow. That was certainly something. And something is my favorite.
(Note to self: Stop making puns.)
Yeah, this was definitely a darker story. Doesn't make it any less awesome though. Great job.
While a scary story it did have a happy ending. And I can only imagine the pony afterlife is a bit relieved... Very nice on hitting the characterisation.
Nice work! You did an excellent job building the atmosphere in the story, and the ending was excellent.
Man, even with the ending this was kind of a sad one.
& just how DID Pinkie Pie die anyway?
one question,
how did pinkie die?
Dark but greatly done, good work!!
To answer everyponys question, she died from diabetes.
once again, these storys blow my mind.
congratulations, good sir/madam(no Idea on your gender)
Are all of these stories continuous, or 100% separate tales?
They did the Mash!
They did the Monster Mash.
The Monster Mash!
It was a graveyard smash.
They did the Mash!
It caught on in a flash.
They did the Mash!
They did the Monster Mash.
19140
I think you need a new prescription. There were no 40K references in the fic; I don't know much about the franchise anyway.
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Fred is not, traditionally, a girl's name.
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Ah yes, the big question. One of the big sticking points for me writing this fic was in fact how to kill Pinkie Pie off. Given what we've seen the other ponies survive, and given Pinkie's capacities, I was honestly considering things like meteor strikes as ways to off her.
Ultimately, however, how she died wasn't the point of the fic, so I went with the good ol' horror trope of letting the audience's imaginations do the heavy lifting. Rest assured, however she went out, it was a death worthy of Pinkie Pie.
Also!
(From the story description:) "Each of the chapters of this fic is an independent story featuring one of the Mane Six having an encounter with the supernatural. They are presented as one story because of their common theme."
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Great stuff (All that left now is Applejack and Twilight sparkle... btw are you going to one for the CMC?)
Wow, that was really good.
"It's a surprise!" The surprise is that she is going as Surprise.
Brilliant. These stories are actually really well written. I'm torn between wanting every detail of the supernatural lore (For example, how does one become a vampire in Rarity's?), and leaving just a little off, which is the charm of the short story.
So, why couldn't they have let her remain as a ghost in the way she was at the beginning, where she didn't need to possess another pony's body in order to make her presence known to everypony? When they found the "third option," I had been expecting it to be where they basically turn her into the pony version of Casper the Friendly Ghost, where she's still a ghost, capable of moving physical objects despite being mostly intangible, but also visible (if transparent). That just seems like it would fit much better with the others in the series. You have Fluttershy as a were-creature; Rarity as a vampire; Rainbow as a giant robot (I still don't see how that really fits with the monster idea); and now Pinkie as a ghost, but Pinkie, unlike the others, can only be seen by Rainbow and can't physically touch anything unless she has taken over Rainbow's body? I'm sorry, but it really seems like Pinkie's getting the short end of the stick here; all of the others are transformed into things where they can still at least mostly continue living their normal lives and be seen by everypony just like they always had, but her true form is completely invisible to everypony but Dash and, as such, she can't do anything without Dash's consent? What do you have against Pinkie?
This story is spectacular. It's incredibly good fiction, not just fan fiction.
And I can't believe the people who are asking how Pinkie died... I mean, it's only been the topic of every conversation for the last week!
AWESOME... TOTES WIRTH THE WAIT!!!!
NICE (Also good choice with surprise)!! so what monster you going to use next (Will it be something shocking like a kamen rider, or will you use a alien twist.
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I said Ultramarines because you said UltraDash and I love saying "ULTRAMARINES!!!". Not only that but the wax horse-shoe symbol on scrolls that Twilight receives from Celestia look just like the 'U' symbol of the Ultramarines.
images.cheezburger.com/completestore/2011/9/21/6e6647c2-b544-4672-a521-b4eecf9dfed0.jpg
I can't believe I found this by googling the name of the picture XD
in my defense, I know quite a few females on the internet using male screennames ...
looking forward to your next 2 stories, btw.
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Rainbow isn't a giant robot, she's a Kaiju or, for those who are not familiar with the term, a Giant Japanese Monster.
As for the story itself, I'm guessing Pinkie's death had something to do with a Nitroglycerine soaked sponge(a million internets to whomever gets the reference).
Let's see, Fluttershy's a weremare, Rarity's a vampire, Rainbow is Ultramare, and Pinkie's a ghost. I highly doubt AJ will be a zombie or a swamp thing as neither really fit her personality. We know it'll be the darkest of the six, but it won't be grimdark, so nothing along the lines of a slasher fic. Curse you Fred, You've stumped me.
You had me in tears several times as I was reading this. Then again, Pinkie is one of my favorites.
Leaving her death unexplained was good in the context of the story. The reader's imagination filling the blanks aside, not describing how she died keeps it from distracting from the other ponies' grief, and Rainbow Dash's implied sense of guilt.
The pranks all felt appropriate for Pinkie (even if the apple prank would have stretched her abilities as a living being), and the others' reactions felt right, too. First rejecting that Fluttershy worries too much and then later having that idea occur to herself is also pretty clever.
The Surprise ending is as unexpected as it should be, and adds a lighter note to the end of the story, which is good, as it would have otherwise left me in shambles.
My apologies if this comment seems fragmented, incomplete, or ill-structured. I had actually read this story yesterday, and then circumstances kept me from commenting or reading the other parts of the series, and now I probably forgot half of what I'd meant to say. That I still feel the need to drop this comment, though, speaks for the quality of your story.
This is great. Thank-you.
Epicly awesome stories! The rainbow dash one I kinda didn't like, but the others I loved, especially the pinkie pie one. Makes me wish it had it's own whole story series instead of being a one shot D:
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It seems I wasn't entirely clear on a point. Pinkie wasn't previously visible to the other ponies; Twilight was standing right there when Pinkie knocked the last set of books down and didn't see or sense anything out of the ordinary. It's only Twilight's binding spell that made her visible. I'll take a look at the fic and see if I can pop some text in to make that more obvious.
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That's the thing. I realized that she was invisible at the beginning, but what I found odd is that you seem to have where either she's visible and completely intangible or invisible and capable of making contact with physical objects. I still say I would much prefer it if she ended up like some ponified version of Casper the friendly ghost; I'm just picturing a pink Casper with Pinkie's hair. That would fit much better with the others, especially if you do end up making a seventh fic where you have the monster versions of all six, giving these otherwise standalone fics a common sequel; if Pinkie is invisible to everypony but Dash and can't do anything unless first she possesses Dash's body, how could you possibly make a good fic where they both appear in their monster forms at the same time (no, I wouldn't count it if you had Pinkie as Ultra Dash; I'm talking about one where each one of them is present and in their monster forms, not in each others' monster forms).
19553 OMG its ultraman! don't you watch tokusatsu
Oh dear Luna... Zombie AJ/Carnivore Gilda shipfic! Where the horsefeathers did THAT idea come from!
*Washs brain with bleach*
Pinkie Pie died by completely destroying the 4th wall. Like, she ripped a wormhole in the reader-fanfic continuum.
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Being that—as the author has mentioned several times—the entire point of them being different continuities is so that each individual story can have its own mood and plot without interference, changing Pinkie Pie's to mesh better with the others would have been rather silly and kind of pointless if you ask me.
Can't stop thinking about this story you left me traumatized like in cupcackes not in a bad way but a sad way because once I had a dream like this but I was the one who died.
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Yes, but the author did say they were considering making a special one that features the monster forms of all six once all of them had been taken care of. Clearly, you are not reading my messages carefully, as I specifically stated "giving these otherwise standalone fics a common sequel." In that very sentence, I acknowledged the fact that these are all standalone fics, whose plots have no effect on one another; my point is that, be that as it may, if the author does end up making a special followup story that disregards the standalone factors of these individual fics and includes the monster versions of each of the mane six, it will not be easy to work Pinkie into the story as she is at the moment. A little minor tweaking will easily fix this continuity problem, but otherwise it will be hard to avoid. 
In other words, while each fic has plenty of elements that none of the others has, it is still important to allow the end results of each of them (i.e. the individual characters now being monsters) to be able to mesh together in the followup. The means don't need to be compatible, but the ends do.
Wonderfully written. I absolutely love what you are doing here! I haven't yet come across other GrimDark stories that have such fulfilling and upbeat endings. Beautifully done. Keep up the good work!
I. . . that was some amazing and genuine emotion going on in this one. And I really don't know how exactly to react to this. Good job is about the best I can come up with, even if it is a bit lack luster. Still, I hope you understand at least a little how very earnestly I mean that.
ummmm How did Pinki die?
521821 It's been established: She exploded, then exploded again.
I see the petriculture reference
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It isn't Petriculture per se. There are many fanons that connect Suprise and Pinkie. In some she is "Granny Pie", in some she is Pinkie's sister and in Petriculture she is... well I won't spoil it for those who haven't read that wonderful fic.
Pinkie the Friendly Ghost!
So she's, what? A ghostly familiar bound to Rainbow?