Hey, dude, finally getting some time to look over your writing style. Sorry, and I know this is WAAAAYY over do, but I'm a lazy person. I'll start with the negatives becouse there are honestly a lot of them. In this one little paragraph I found at least four grammatical errors that will throw the reader off. I'll highlight them in color becouse I can.
1 The day had come, I’m eighteen!1Free to do whatever I wanted; and since I had heard of Luna’s return only a few days ago, I was anxious to join the Guard. 2 She had been back for about a month before I heard about it and I knew that there would be openings for personal guards of her own the moment I heard about it. 2 And just after that I applied to the Royal Army. Hopefully they would accept me. They had told me that they would send the letter on my eighteenth birthday. And I quickly ran outside and into the streets of Canterlot. 3 The beautiful buildings rose into an ever expansive morning sky and I run full stride to the post office down the street. I feel the wind blow through my jet black mane and tail as I stride faster and faster. The clop of my hoofs on the stone streets fills the air and echoes off the tall buildings.
1 I'll give you this; this sentence pulls off a comma splice like no other. Between "wanted and and" is a semi colon where a comma is needed becouse of the conjunction and, while between "ago and I" is a comma where a semi colon is needed. I can define a comma splice if you want me to, but for now I'll leave you with that 1 This is out of the blue, why are we taken from the cell to a flashback? I'll admit there is some explination, at least describe the setting to let people know "This shit is really going down" becouse I honestly looked for some indication that this was or wasn't a continuation of the dialogue. NOt much more I can say about that, but, so you know, Lime green is grammar problems and red is story problems. 2 Who is this "she"? You don't use a pronoun to describe someone we never met. Even if there was a female character before hand, you have to tel us who this character is, if you don't than the reader doesn't know anything. For all we know, this she is the slut that Nexus cheated on his wife with 2Okay, what is the point in this sentence? It could easily be attached to the prior sentence with a simple comma, you already have the conjunction. 3 Okay, what is with THIS sentence??? or should I say two sentences that need to be combined? First off, you use the past tense version of rise "rose" and in the next sentence you say "run" which is present tense. Tenses are something you need to master, think of what tense you want to be in, be it past, present or future. Coordinate your verbs to said tense with "rose" being past, "Rising" being present and fuck future tense, no one likes you.
Hopefully I can come back to this, but I think you'll have your hooves full trying to figure out WTF I was talking about there, but before I go, I'd like to give you the positives. After hearing you talk about Nexus as a character, and all of the shit he goes through, I can tall that you are very imaginative, and have true skill in writing, but you have to get grammar down before you can really take off. I myself don't have everything down yet, nor do I think I have all the things I do know down pat, but that's part of the challenge. Well, I hope this helps. Thank you
Hey, dude, finally getting some time to look over your writing style. Sorry, and I know this is WAAAAYY over do, but I'm a lazy person.
I'll start with the negatives becouse there are honestly a lot of them. In this one little paragraph I found at least four grammatical errors that will throw the reader off. I'll highlight them in color becouse I can.
1 I'll give you this; this sentence pulls off a comma splice like no other. Between "wanted and and" is a semi colon where a comma is needed becouse of the conjunction and, while between "ago and I" is a comma where a semi colon is needed. I can define a comma splice if you want me to, but for now I'll leave you with that
1 This is out of the blue, why are we taken from the cell to a flashback? I'll admit there is some explination, at least describe the setting to let people know "This shit is really going down" becouse I honestly looked for some indication that this was or wasn't a continuation of the dialogue. NOt much more I can say about that, but, so you know, Lime green is grammar problems and red is story problems.
2 Who is this "she"? You don't use a pronoun to describe someone we never met. Even if there was a female character before hand, you have to tel us who this character is, if you don't than the reader doesn't know anything. For all we know, this she is the slut that Nexus cheated on his wife with
2Okay, what is the point in this sentence? It could easily be attached to the prior sentence with a simple comma, you already have the conjunction.
3 Okay, what is with THIS sentence??? or should I say two sentences that need to be combined? First off, you use the past tense version of rise "rose" and in the next sentence you say "run" which is present tense. Tenses are something you need to master, think of what tense you want to be in, be it past, present or future. Coordinate your verbs to said tense with "rose" being past, "Rising" being present and fuck future tense, no one likes you.
Hopefully I can come back to this, but I think you'll have your hooves full trying to figure out WTF I was talking about there, but before I go, I'd like to give you the positives.
After hearing you talk about Nexus as a character, and all of the shit he goes through, I can tall that you are very imaginative, and have true skill in writing, but you have to get grammar down before you can really take off. I myself don't have everything down yet, nor do I think I have all the things I do know down pat, but that's part of the challenge.
Well, I hope this helps.
Thank you