- Member Since 17th Oct, 2013
- offline last seen Yesterday
Lunarus Solaris Nexus
I write mostly non cannon breaking fanfics that involve no shipping. Most are centered around the military of Equestria so if you like that kind of thing you aren't going to be disappointed
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Lunarus Solaris Nexus · 17k words · 24 3 · 513 views
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Lunarus Solaris Nexus · 4.2k words · 10 3 · 715 views
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So... wait. Is my used-without-permission-OC a Sergeant or a Commander?
3358552 He's a Sergeant in the first one and a Commander in the second-third one. You replace Shining Armor after he goes to the Chrystal Empire. Also, does he have a name? I couldn't find the name of your OC and i only assumed since your name is Firebrand on the FOB that it was your OC's as well.
Before I liked it was an even match
Good will overcome evil!!
Hey, dude, finally getting some time to look over your writing style. Sorry, and I know this is WAAAAYY over do, but I'm a lazy person.
I'll start with the negatives becouse there are honestly a lot of them. In this one little paragraph I found at least four grammatical errors that will throw the reader off. I'll highlight them in color becouse I can.
1 I'll give you this; this sentence pulls off a comma splice like no other. Between "wanted and and" is a semi colon where a comma is needed becouse of the conjunction and, while between "ago and I" is a comma where a semi colon is needed. I can define a comma splice if you want me to, but for now I'll leave you with that
1 This is out of the blue, why are we taken from the cell to a flashback? I'll admit there is some explination, at least describe the setting to let people know "This shit is really going down" becouse I honestly looked for some indication that this was or wasn't a continuation of the dialogue. NOt much more I can say about that, but, so you know, Lime green is grammar problems and red is story problems.
2 Who is this "she"? You don't use a pronoun to describe someone we never met. Even if there was a female character before hand, you have to tel us who this character is, if you don't than the reader doesn't know anything. For all we know, this she is the slut that Nexus cheated on his wife with
2Okay, what is the point in this sentence? It could easily be attached to the prior sentence with a simple comma, you already have the conjunction.
3 Okay, what is with THIS sentence??? or should I say two sentences that need to be combined? First off, you use the past tense version of rise "rose" and in the next sentence you say "run" which is present tense. Tenses are something you need to master, think of what tense you want to be in, be it past, present or future. Coordinate your verbs to said tense with "rose" being past, "Rising" being present and fuck future tense, no one likes you.
Hopefully I can come back to this, but I think you'll have your hooves full trying to figure out WTF I was talking about there, but before I go, I'd like to give you the positives.
After hearing you talk about Nexus as a character, and all of the shit he goes through, I can tall that you are very imaginative, and have true skill in writing, but you have to get grammar down before you can really take off. I myself don't have everything down yet, nor do I think I have all the things I do know down pat, but that's part of the challenge.
Well, I hope this helps.
Thank you
3852615 The "She" Refers to Luna in the sentence before it. I've had issues with tense and they do get past me and alot of people so long as they're not grammar Nazi's about it. And it's a flash back to tell the story. I'm not going to have him explain his enter life in dialogue! That's madness!
It was to add length to it and give you what he thought in the moment, not what he said to make it sound better.
I'm really liking this story so far
that said, the slight grammar errors are throwing me off just a bit. I would recommend going through the chapters one by one and checking for spelling, punctuation, ect.
Just finished the story. Great job, 9.9/10 (9.9 because of typos/spelling errors).
The ending though kind of confuses me. Is Nexus dead because of the statue being there now?
4914140 Noone's perfect.
And thanks for the feed back. Hope you love the rest just as much. 
Not expecting much from Strength though.
God... Rereading old fanfiction is just..... oh lord I was awful.
Who's Luan? Do you mean Luna...
No... I Don't remember her saying that
Yeah, make it move to Finland
9840038
Probably. Wrote this inbetween classes in high school. Not exactly amazing work.
9840048
Dumb angsty boy in high school with no clue how to spell properly. The only explanation I can give.
That's a good point, what about the legs?
9840366
You can edit the story if you want.
can we make #Bootleg-Firebrand-is-best-character a thing... Because bootleg Firebrand is what got me hooked into this series
10682773
He isn't in all of it. But Josh was also the first to comment on this when it came out so I got my validation YEARS ago.
...wut?
10924767
If I remember right, officially he was already declared KIA. They dont want to have to answer difficult questions. Or something. I wrote this in high school.