Complications [Edited]
Quick Note: There are perspective changes here and most likely later too, so be aware of who's perspective it is. Now, on with the story!
13 Years Later...
Thirteen Years. Thirteen years ago, I had that horrible, horrible vision. But yet, nothing has come to pass. I sometimes wonder if it isn't real... Then I think of the visions I had that were real. The bullies at school beat up my brother. My father had to move away for his job. But then there were the good ones. Mom got a job serving food in Canterlot Castle. Me and Rhino graduated middle school 12 years ago and are now fully on our own. I mean, our lives are great. Well, great until we have to obey our parents house rules. That's currently what Rhino and I are talking about now.
"Of course I'm sure. We're making one of the biggest decisions of our lives right now, and I couldn't be more sure about this." Rhino says.
"But... Ponyville? Really? It sounds so boring. I mean, 'a small town near the Everfree Forest.' Snoozville." I say, I'm unsure of what to do. I want to follow Rhino's decision, but I don't want to live a boring life either.
"Yes, really. It's not too far from here, and it has nicely paying jobs. I think it's a great choice." Rhino says confidently. Currently, we are sitting on a park bench in one of Canterlot's public parks.
I was about to respond, but a blue mare walkedpast us. "Hm, she looks familiar."
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Perspective Switch: Sapphire Justice
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Hm, he looks familiar, but I can't put my hoof on it. Ugh, whatever. He'll turn up eventually. Ooh! Atom! I walk away waving at him.
"Hey, babe. I just got off duty for today." He says, walking next to me.
"Well, what a big, strong coltfriend I have. Being in the Royal Guard and all." I say to Atom.
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End of Perspective Switch
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"Hm, whatever. She's leaving. She looks so familiar, but I can't put my hoof on it. Ugh, whatever. Let's go home, Rhy." Unbeknowst to me, Rhino fell asleep in the twenty minutes it took me to think. I lean close to whisper in his ear, and then... "WAKE UP, RHINO!" My sudden shout causes him to jump up and reflexively Res to the tree above us. I laughed. Hard.
"Oh, ha ha that was so funny." (I'm sorry, I don't know how to write that very well.) He climbs down and gives me the most blood-chilling stare, ever.
"Ya know, I could stick you to this bench and leave," He deadpans.
I stop laughing and gulp, "Point taken." We get up, our minds set. I stretch and ask, "We're buying the house then?"
"Of course," He replies, plain as ever. "It's gonna be a nice house, too. Fully furnished, everything."
"Cool." Right then, the blue mare pops up in my head again. "Ugh, who was that mare?" I notice a poster on the pole next to us featuring: the blue mare. I pull it off the pole and read it aloud, "Sapphire Justice plays a concert in Ponyville town square. Buy tickets at town hall." The name hits me like a ton of bricks, "Sapphire JUSTICE?! MY SISTER?!" I yell ecstatically. "She's alive!"
"You have a sister? I thought you said your whole family died in the fire?" He questions, unsure of this situation.
"Apparently, she's alive and still plays..." I look at the picture on the poster. "...The guitar. Just like me! Oh this is awesome!" I say, oblivious to the ponies staring at me.
"You play guitar? Since when?" He questions again.
"Since always. We used to play together. We wrote... one song..." I finish with a sheepish smile.
"One? Are you good?" He asks, apparently really interested.
"Well, I don't play guitar, but I sing with her. I'm a good singer." I say to a very confused Rhino. We start walking home to tell mom and dad about the house, and long lost sibling.
"Anyway, what are you gonna do when you see her?" he asks.
"Sing with her. I want her to know I'm okay after all these years." I say.
"Okay then." He says, dropping the subject.
3 Hours Later...
Rhino is crying a bit as he hugs mom and dad goodbye.
"We're leaving now. Bye Mom, Bye Dad." I say, hooked onto a cart with Rhino, ready to leave for Ponyville. I hug them and say, "We'll write to you guys! Come visit sometime!" I shout as we walk away, pulling the cart together.
"We're on our way, bro. We're on our way." Rhino says, still emotional after his goodbye hugs. "This is gonna be great." Right then, a mare crashes on the ground a few hooves ahead of us. "AH!"
The mare in question happens to be a bat pony. She tries to slowly get up, just to collapse on the ground again, unconscious. "Ugh, Rhy, can you lift her onto my back with your magic? I'll carry her to Ponyville. That looks to be her destination anyway."
Nodding, Rhino puts the mare onto my back and says, "There. You're sure you can carry her and pull the cart at the same time?"
"Yeah, she's not that heavy. Onward!" We set off again, unsure of what other surprises are gonna come our way today. But whatever they are, we're gonna face them head-on.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"And that's when I accidentally met your aunts." I say, closing my journal/book.
"Awesome! So she fell out of the sky in front of you and uncle Rhino? And you didn't recognize your own sister?" Prism asked.
"Well, I thought she was dead. I thought she died with my parents." I say sadly.
"Okay, bedtime now, kids!" Dash shouts from the other room.
"Okay, mom." Flame answered for the both of them.
"Goodnight, Flame and Prism." I say to my kids as they scurry to bed.
"Night Dash, I love you." I say to my wife.
"Night Blaze. Love you, too." She says to me, as we engage in a short, passionate kiss.
As I lay to sleep, Dash scoots into bed and sighs contentedly. I do the same, and fall asleep a few minutes later.
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I do no understand where the dislikes come from. I have relatively enjoyed read this, contact me when chapter three comes out.
3525507 The dislikes were from the first draft, which was rushed, and eventually deleted.
3515763 OCs and self inserts are automatically shot down by a majority of readers. The negativity probably came from the fact that a vast amount of people looked at the cover, the name, and his profile picture and immediately disliked. It happens to a lot of people who throw up red flags unintentionally.
3526259 I'll say this little joke I picked up from E. NOT. A. SELF. INSERT!!!!!!! But I can see the mistake being made. I will clear that up real fast.
3526263 I'm not trying to insult you, but this is a self insert. Same name and appearance. It may not be a self insert of you, but it's a self pony insert. Again, I'm not trying to be rude, I'm trying to help in the most non offensive way I can.
3526263
>Not a self insert
>User name's Blazing Justice
>Filly pls
3526264 I see what you mean, and none taken. I feel stupid, and I think I misunderstood the meaning of self-insert. I took it as: "Put your real life personality and all into the story." I didn't think it meant what your saying, thank you for informing me on this. I feel so dumb.
3526269 To be frank, I'd tone down your character and also try to draw him yourself. That amount of clothing should be restricted to ponies who work in the industry or have high social standing (i.e. Fancy Pants or Hoity Toity). Also, even if you can't draw, a poorly drawn pony, in my opinion is much more respectable than a Pony Maker. Mad respect for drawings.
When writing an OC story, it's always a good idea to remember that nobody gives a shit about your genius original characters until you give us a reason to; i.e., giving us content that makes us empathize with them.
Just a friendly tip.
3526264>>3526267
There's a difference between a self-insert and an OC story.
My own story has my character of the same name as the main character, yet he is not me.
OC stories are not self-inserts.
3530386 As someone who has written nothing BUT OC stories, I can tell you that it doesn't matter. The way people see it is same name=self insert. It doesn't matter if that's what you intended or not.
3531148 I'm gonna intervene, because I don't want an argument here. Who cares if it's a self-insert if the story is good? I haven't heard a single helpful comment from you, you're just going on about it being a self-insert. So, please, if you don't like it because of that, get the hell out of my comments section.
3526259That's why I do not use my OC as an avatar or as my user name.
This is an entertaining read, however you may consider spacing out the dialog a little bit. It seems a little blockish and hard to follow. Besides that, this is a good story.