I like it so far! Keep it up

Omg That Tease AAAAHHHH!!!!!!

“Mow the lawn.”

That ending

But seriously, on to business.

You said you had editors, right?
Fire them.

Okay, bad joke. But still, there were quite a lot of problems in this chapter that any decent editor should have caught.

Also, the description has very little to do with what's happening here. Your description is acting as more of a prequel than a description. It should be giving a little bit of background, then show what direction the actual story will take from there. (Edit: On second thought, this is less of a problem than I thought. Description still needs to be cleaned up, though.)

All in all, not bad, certainly pretty well-written, but needs some work.

Write on,
Legion

“Dam it!” she shouted. “I’ll never lose my virginity at this rate.” She yelled even louder.

Ebony as she was standing behind me with my blanket rapped around her body

“Holly Shit that was close!” I shouted

Major typos here.

Otherwise, so far it's alright.