You wrote this in first person. Thus, we can't hear her thoughts.
Second, you really need to work on punctuation.
Third, you are reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeealy pushing the line between Teen/Sex and Mature/Sex here. I had to skip about half of this chapter. Seriously, dude. Sorry, but I won't be continuing to read and review. I hope you understand.
The writing style could be worse (trust me, I've seen worse), but it does need work. Also, I'm extremely confused by the relationship between these characters. First, he's spurning her advances, and then... Well, I actually skipped that part.
The day went on its marry way before turning into night, inviting all the moon dwellers to mingle and join hoofs at bars of all kinds.
my front hoofs
hooves, not hoofs
Also, many grammatical errors that I'm not going to point out.
Only critique I'll give at this point is you should probably have done some character building, back story explaining, etc. somewhere along the line. You've got four chapters about characters we know nothing about.
A few things here.
First:
You wrote this in first person. Thus, we can't hear her thoughts.
Second, you really need to work on punctuation.
Third, you are reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeealy pushing the line between Teen/Sex and Mature/Sex here. I had to skip about half of this chapter. Seriously, dude. Sorry, but I won't be continuing to read and review. I hope you understand.
The writing style could be worse (trust me, I've seen worse), but it does need work. Also, I'm extremely confused by the relationship between these characters. First, he's spurning her advances, and then...
Well, I actually skipped that part.
Write on,
Legion
More typos:
hooves, not hoofs
Also, many grammatical errors that I'm not going to point out.
Only critique I'll give at this point is you should probably have done some character building, back story explaining, etc. somewhere along the line. You've got four chapters about characters we know nothing about.
Moving on now...