In the dull grip of my classroom, I rubbed my face tiredly. My eyes, as blue-green as they could get, were now heavily brought down by black rings. I was absolutely drained from writing an essay for English that was assigned to me just yesterday. The essay, while not completely hard itself, was about the concept of “Trurl’s Machine” by Stanislaw Lem. I strongly recommend it if you haven’t already read it. However, I was too tired of upsetting stories, so I delved into my own writing. Stories upon stories I would write, all about fantasy adventures with numerous characters.
Where was I? Oh yes, I was in my classroom.
My teacher opened the door and was surprised to see me already here. “Salter,” he acknowledged with a grunt.
I nodded back, “Sir.” I wasn’t exactly talkative, although my friends would beg to differ. I just was socially awkward except when it came to a second level. There’s socially awkward, and then there’s just not caring. Most of the times, I would hit that second level. Mean names? Bah. Bullies? Pathetic. I wasn’t afraid of being teased. And when you hit that second level, when you’re ready to make an ass out of yourself just for kicks, you know you’ve achieved something great. Oh god, it’s a great feeling.
I hate those people who bully.
I despise them.
I detest them with all my heart.
It’s mostly a move of attention, to bully someone. I mean, who does that? I’ve felt pain before, but I stand tall. I stand absolutely tall and strong. Words are only powerful when used correctly, and the majority of the population of the world can’t even spew out a hateful sentence without overusing the word ‘fuck.’ But it still hurts...
I have got to stop thinking to myself so much.
My teacher shot me a raised eyebrow, “Are you alright, Salter?”
I waved off his curiosity. “Fine, sir,” I told him.
“Well, there are new students coming today,” he informed me. “Apparently recommended by the Queen of some unknown kingdom.”
Ah, time to make an ass out of myself.
With a glance towards the door, my teacher scowled, “And here they are now.”
In the door walked six beautiful girls. The first one had purple hair with a pink stripe, the second had bright blonde hair, the third had luscious purple hair, the fourth had bright pink hair, the fifth had rainbow-colored hair, and the sixth had light pink hair that looked incredibly silky.
Wait, they look extremely familiar.
The sixth one turned to my teacher, “Um, hi. My name is, um… ah, well, I’m Fluttershy.”
My teacher leaned in, “I’m sorry, but I didn’t quite catch that. What’s your name?” he asked.
“I’m, uh, my name is Fluttershy…” she whispered softly. So softly, in fact, that I could barely hear her.
Fluttershy! Oh dear god, oh dear god, what has happened to make this happen? The princess, it was Celestia! Or possibly Luna…
The ponies are here! Oh, I should probably get Kevin… Wait, no. I have to introduce myself. I literally flailed over the chairs to talk to them. Act natural, Oliver, act natural. Several people shot me a surprised look, and I heard insulting comments being hurled around about me. I ignored them.
“Fluttershy? That’s a great name. I’m Oliver,” I said. To top it off, I shot her my flirtatious smile.
Fluttershy, being the girl she is, blushed wildly and began to stammer. “H-hi, Oliver,” she mumbled timidly. There was a small, momentary pause, and then, “It's...um...nice to m-meet you."
She's just like I thought she would be.
“Same here, Fluttershy!" I turned to the other ponies – erm, girls. “What are your names?”
The blonde-haired pony – erm, I mean girl, said, “The name’s AppleJack, Oliver. It’s mighty good ta’ meet ‘cha.”
The purple haired girl walked up to me next, “Ah, please move, AppleJack. I must make my introduction. The name’s Rarity,” she said.
I stammered uncontrollably as Rarity stood right next to me, and I could smell this exotic smell of perfume drifting off her and into my surrounding area. I sighed in bliss. She was wearing a light blue fur jacket, and the fur was purple like her hair. I could tell it wasn't real, but it was still fashionable and stylish. Her whole demeanor was like that of a popular girl, and I was slightly irked. Naturally Rarity would be that way, I told myself. Either way, she was still pretty. Her skin was paler than the rest of the girl’s, but at the same time it looked incredibly smooth. Her hair was curled perfectly; it looked as if it had been made to stay in the position forever.
AppleJack butted Rarity out of the way, who unceremoniously fell to the floor. Her short-shorts were plainly evident, and I got a rather fine glimpse of her legs. Now I turned to AppleJack, who was wearing long blue jeans and a plaid shirt. She smiled at me, and I had to admit that her freckles make her look cute, and she had an absolutely amazing, deep tan. “Sorry ‘bout that, hun. Rarity’s a tad bit of a crazy-apple.” I laughed and she laughed along with me. Her blonde hair was stunningly gorgeous, and I resisted the urge to run my hands through it. AppleJack, rather similar to her name, had a scent of apples floating around her. But not any normal apples; they were they type of apples that you just wanted to sink your teeth into.
The bright pink haired girl jumped next to me, “Oh hiya, Oliver! My name’s Pinkie Pie! It’s so nice to meet you! Oh my goodness, I should totally throw a party for you sometime,” Pinkie Pie rushed out in a blurted rush. I nodded dumbly and examined her. She was slightly chubby around her breasts. Her pink hair reminded me of cotton candy, and she wasn’t that bad looking despite being slightly out of shape. She smelled of candies, loads and loads of candies. Chocolate, too! It was like I was in a party, and all of the smells were drifting softly towards my nose.
The rainbow-haired girl cut in front of Pinkie, “Hey, I’m Rainbow Dash, and I'm the coolest girl you'll ever meet!” she boasted. “So, do you run?” she asked. I nodded and smirked. Rainbow Dash smirked right back at me, “Alright, Oliver. What’s say you and I have a race sometime?” I laughed and nodded. The arrogant girl, who was about a head shorter than I, pointed her finger at my chest. “Bring it,” she challenged. Upon meeting her, I was reminded of my childhood. It was as if someone had opened the door to my past and was letting everything out. I had memories of climbing trees and swinging on ropes to jump across creeks in a forest. If this girl was anything, she was nature.
And then there was the purple-haired, pink-striped girl. “Sorry to make such big introductions. We’re fairly new here, and we don’t know much of your culture. Anyways, my name’s Twilight Sparkle,” she said. With Twilight, I wasn’t particularly filled with anything. Well, at least nothing I could describe. I felt a tightening within my chest. Not out of uncomforting conversations, but purely out of something that was ill describable. It was a magic feeling, and it wasn’t one of pain. I could even see a faint drift of aura radiating off of her. Perhaps it was just my imagination…
“It’s really nice to meet you,” Fluttershy said politely. Her stutter was gone, and she stood taller than before. She came up to about my chest, and I was filled with a strong urge to hold her tight. Wow, I’ve been single for way too long. Fluttershy was wearing a yellow sweater that hugged her tightly, and she had on tight, black jeans that matched my own. I inhaled deeply and smelt, what I considered, the most magnificent smell ever. It was the smell of forests and nature, completely pure. She was so amazing, so pure, and so beautiful, that I felt my throat go dry. I wasn’t normally so inarticulate, but I felt myself completely stuck.
“L-likewise,” I said quietly.
My teacher, seeing my nervousness, called me over. “Oliver,” he said. “I need you to go find Kevin.” I nodded my head and walked away.
“Bye, Oliver!” Pinkie called enthusiastically to me. Once the girls were out of sight, I sprinted away to Kevin. Eventually, I found him in the hallway.
“Kevin!” I cried. “You will not believe what just happened to me,” I exclaimed excitedly.
I'm gonna be honest here: I'm really confused as to what's going on. Oh yeah, and you have a purple prose in your very first sentence (the explanation for the use of 'idiotic') which is ill-advised. Seriously, I'm confused. Is he a brony or not? Why are they there? Also, could you please indent new paragraphs for sanity's sake. I like the writing, really I do, but I'm just confused.
I like it
257552
Agreeing with him, but I like this nonetheless.
This is going on my watch and track list for sure
257552 wow brony your really oblivious and really picky mate its just the first chapter Im sure he'll explain more as he gets more into it.
anyway loved the chapter and keep going i am eager to find out who kevin is
257754
I'm not being picky, I just love to help newbies out. It just seemed inordinate with the story's writing style to be so vague. It's not that he leaves questions -as that practice is fine- but it's that he leaves me confused. Explanation in due time is fine, but I'm just confused. Is it my fault that I have high standards and as such I wish to help other people meet said standards?
this has sealed the deal i wub bein a brony
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Pull the breaks there, buddy. This is starting out WAY too fast. You can't just have a bunch of humanized ponies come into a classroom out of nowhere and expect nothing to happen beyond exchanging pleasantries. I can tell you want to elaborate on what they're doing there at some point, and that's fine. But you can't just have them all come in and buddy up with the main character instantly.
There's potential here, and I'll be tracking, but you may want to consider a re-write on this first chapter. Take things slow, build Oliver's relationship with each pony/human over time, not just all in one shot and in the middle of a classroom. (Which, incidentally, makes me wonder what the other students think about this.)
257919 my thoughts ALMOST exactly
i agree with 257919, but I do like the setup you have for the characters themselves. I would like to see this go on. It has great potential.
+1 track
257919 In that kind of situation, I'm guessing that the majority of the students are thinking: "What the fuck just happened?". That's what I'd be thinking at least.
... I'm sorry - I should be insanely jealous of your character right now, but I just came off a sugar high, so I'm not really capable of adequately feeling at the moment.
That said, this sort of thing needs to be done carefully - whilst you have my interest, this can very easily go wrong.
And, protip - avoid the highly controversial statements until the readers are too highly invested in the story to just throw it away out of disgust. You might think that, in those circumstances, killing yourself is a shameful act. However, other people may strongly contest those views. And, considering the nature of the topic, I would be surprised if, even on a place as nice as FIMFiction, you didn't receive a number of flames for this.
257552
Hiya! Thank you so much for the feedback, we really appreciate it. Yes, Oliver is a brony, as is evident when he exclaims his knowledge of Princess Celestia and Princess Luna. As well as all the names of the ponies. Sorry for the lack of indents in the beginning, the co-writer of this forget to indent But we have it under control. Yes, and I deleted the purple prose. Again, thank you for the feedback! We always appreciate construction criticism.
259147
Yay! Another writer helped! Go me!
I simply request details to be less vague in the future because I know you can write good details judging by your other additions. I simply hope you can apply yourself to more side notes. I hope we can clear up all the vagueness in either the next chapter for by editing your first chapter.
257793 not at all friend i just like three things in a story easy to understand room for answeres and cliff hangers
I love the description of the girl's scents and how they appear. Though pinkie Pie should be in shape cause she pops up everywhere and is able to keep up with the others that run from her. Like dash a few times. The one where the griffon comes in to town or when they were trying to hold a surprise party for pinkie.
And not that I'm telling you its horrible. LoL I I'm starting to want to be a kevin..... or well whatever the girl name version of kevin is cause the friend to tell about the girls entering our world has been kevin in 3to stories I've read recently! =)
How I feel this is going...
Storys introducing character, basic stuff at a decent pace, the profes- FUCKING MANE 6 OUT OF NOWHERE!!
Way to disregard build up.
However it seems your a new writer, in which case don't take the first sentence as an insult please, I was hoping it'd be more of a joke
But my point still stands.