Chapter 7
The Mailmare
By theamberfox
Chapter 7
“So…” Trixie looked at me questioningly. “Are you going to tell Trixie what happened back there or does she have to force it out of you?”
I was calm now. Calm and slightly ashamed. I looked back at my friend. She was sitting beside me as she had been for some time now. We had both been quiet, but I think it had been for different reasons.
I started to say something, but my voice was dry and the words stuck in my throat like one of those toys they hide in the bottom of the cereal box. I know I should have answered her question. At this point, Trixie deserved a real answer from me. But whether it was shame, or maybe fear, or maybe something else entirely, I just couldn’t bring myself to tell her the truth.
“Okay, fine.” Trixie shrugged nonchalantly, a tiny smirk on her face. “We can do this the hard way.”
I shifted uncomfortably and looked down at that wretched bottle of amber liquid on the ground. The floor was too hard; the walls were too ugly; the room was too cold. It all just made me want to get up and run away. I didn’t want to be here right now, not if it actually meant explaining myself. I didn’t want to do that. Besides, why would I need to explain myself? It wouldn’t do any good anyway. It’s not like my understanding of our situation could be different or, Celestia forbid, completely wrong.
Still shifting my position, trying desperately to find some comfort in what felt like a bed of hot needles, I felt a smile make its way onto my face. Me!? Wrong!? Why even the thought is just plain silly! Hahaha! I’m laughing at how silly and unreasonable it is!
Trixie ignored my discomfort. “If you’re not going to tell Trixie what happened, then answer her this…” Trixie paused for a moment before stating her question. “What are you really doing here?”
My head jerked back in her direction so quickly it felt like it could’ve snapped off. How could she even ask that!?
“What are you talking about!?” I asked. “You know why! I have to thwart the evil Twilight Sparkle’s plan to take over the world!”
To further express my point, I pretended to throttle something between my two purple fore hooves. Though, even to this point, I’m not quite sure why I did that…
“That’s why I’m here!” I said, dramatically releasing my stranglehold on the imaginary thing’s neck. “And, if I’m not mistaken, that’s why you’re here too!”
Trixie shook her head in both disappointment and disagreement with me. “That’s not really why you’re here. Do you even know how ridiculous you sound right now? Come on, Derpy, tell the truth.”
“That is the truth!” I was astonished. “But if you can’t handle it, then that’s your problem, not mine!”
Trixie pushed her long, silver mane out of the way and rubbed the back of her neck with her hoof. “You’re a tough nut to crack, Hooves.” But despite her apparent frustration, that tiny smirk once again grew across her lips. “That’s alright, Trixie’s never one to give up easily. She appreciates a challenge!”
Trixie closed her eyes and tapped her hoof against the floor. I imagined she was trying to come up with some brilliant strategy to make me talk. But it wouldn’t work!
Trixie’s eyes opened and she said, “how about she tells you a story instead?”
My friend’s logic confused me greatly. Perhaps, like myself, she was also experiencing some minor indigestion from that ‘meat’ thing we had for dinner. The meat had been good, yes, but like a three bean burrito in a library, you always regret eating the whole thing right there and then.
“A story?” I asked hesitantly.
“Yes,” Trixie nodded curtly, “a story about Trixie’s own reason for being here.”
“But I thought you were here because you wanted to help me stop Twilight Sparkle.”
“Trixie is here because she has a score to settle,” my friend quickly corrected with a glint of evil shining in her eyes. “That may or may not include humiliating Twilight Sparkle.”
“You mean…” This time I was the one who smirked. “You have a grudge, Trixie?”
“Trixie does not hold grudges!” Trixie barked back, deeply offended by the very notion. “Grudges are for foals! Trixie is no foal…” That glint of evil shone in her eyes again. “Trixie holds vendettas. Vendettas are entirely different things, definitely nothing like grudges! Vendettas are much more sinister and devoted!”
I nodded my head in acknowledgment. But despite her argument, I knew they were the same thing. Grudges and vendettas were really just synonyms of the same true meaning. Obviously, I knew that because of my job as a mailmare.
You see, on the day I was hired, there had been several other ponies, nearly two dozen, waiting for an interview with the postmaster general. We were all sitting outside his office, fiddling with our hair, reading magazines and otherwise trying to distract ourselves from the stress of the situation when, suddenly, the door quietly creaked open and a depressed-looking pony stumbled out. Following close behind, the postmaster general was shaking his head in what appeared to be clear dissatisfaction with the first applicant.
“Before we waste anymore of anypony’s time,” the postmaster had said with a polite grin, his great white beard bobbing up and down humorously as he spoke, “does anypony else have a vendetta they’d like to share with me?”
The applicants looked around the room, sharing looks of confusion. But after a moment, two ponies both reluctantly raised their hooves in the air.
The postmaster shook his head once more and waved them out the door with his hoof. “Go on then. I can’t be hiring ponies with vendettas now. Nopony feels safe getting their mail delivered by a pony with a vendetta.”
They were noticeably disappointed, but the two complied with his request and followed the first pony out the door.
But even after they had left, the postmaster wasn’t done, not yet.
“What about grudges?” he asked. His head was still bobbing up and down. It was beginning to make me feel sick, all that up and down motion like that. “Does anypony have any grudges?”
Three more ponies grumbled, got up and pulled themselves out the door, all while the postmaster just waved his farewells and smiled that polite, tight lipped smile of his.
“Scores to settle?” the postmaster asked, rolling his eyes as he watched more ponies stand up. They weren’t the only victims left in his strange game, however, and he would have to shake his head and roll his eyes several more times over the next few minutes. “Axes to grind? Bones to pick? What about blood-pacts of ill-will? Those are always interesting… Does anypony have any of those? Yes? Okay, out you go then…”
By the time the room had settled down only about three ponies of the roughly two dozen initial candidates were still sitting in the room.
The postmaster stroked his beard slowly and stared stupidly at the vacant doorway.
“Ah!” The postmaster said in a startling fashion. “What about just a strong resentment towards a single pony or a group of ponies or even just everypony? Now, before you answer, let me clarify. You’re allowed to dislike somepony, I’m just concerned with the kind of resentment that would cause you to smash packages or rip letters open or construct those whatchamacallit… doomsday devices.”
And all at once, the rest of the ponies sighed heavily, got up and left out the door.
"It was the doomsday devices, wasn’t it?" The postmaster grinned, directing his question towards a pale yellow pegasus with a long, graceful pink mane as she walked meekly by. “That was it, wasn’t it? That’s what got you?”
“Ummmm… Yes,” The pony nodded shyly. I think, she did have lots of pets and a cottage by the forest.
“See? The postmaster always knows.” He lectured the mare with a nod of his head. “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve found a pony building a doomsday device in the mailroom. And it’s always the innocent looking ones too, the one’s with lots of pets and cottages by the forest.”
The pegasus blushed.
“Well I’m sorry, but you can’t build them here. Okay?”
“Okay…” The pegasus lowered her head, looking very sad as she made her way out the door with the others.
Like a farmer after a hard day of work in the fields, the postmaster sighed deeply. He looked once around the nearly empty room before coming to a direct and sudden focus on me, the grey pegasus sitting quietly in her chair, biting her lip and fidgeting like a two year old in the dentist’s office.
“You don’t have any of those things?” the postmaster half-asked, half-clarified.
“No.” I answered as rapidly as I could, still fidgeting in my seat.
He seemed shocked to hear my answer… but also very pleased.
“Well alright then.” he responded with a big, bright smile. “Usually I have to go through a lot more than that; always forget to ask the group before the interview though. It’s a shame too, the first one is always so excited and I feel bad shooting them down like that, but you know how it is…
“Well anyway, welcome aboard. You’re an official employee of the Royal Equestrian Postal Service now.”
“Ok.” I said quickly. I continued to fidget and bite my lip.
The postmaster paused for a second and raised a questioning eyebrow. “What’s wrong with you girl?” he asked. “You got the job. You already nervous about your first day or something? Because you shouldn’t be nervous, there’s nothing to-”
I couldn’t hold it any longer, “I’m sorry sir but I have to go potty like really really REALLY bad.”
It was then that the postmaster realized I had no clue whatsoever that this was a waiting room for job interviews. In fact, I hadn’t even come in here for an interview. I just thought it was the line for the restroom. I admit though, I had begun to find it awfully peculiar there were such specific qualification requirements for the washroom.
“Well then don’t just sit there, girl. Go already!” the postmaster barked, the smile gone completely off his face and the first hint of anger showing itself in his voice. Little did I know, his anger would only increase as I spent more time with him.
I jumped from my seat and rushed past him. But his constantly bobbing beard had made me so sick and dizzy and confused!
The postmaster shrieked. “No! Not in there, girl! That’s my office! THAT’S MY OFFICE!”
And that was the day I simultaneously got my job as a mailmare and learned that ponies don’t like it when you leave a disaster in their offices... Oh! And I also learned what a vendetta was. But it was hard to believe that such a mature pony, such as Trixie, would hold a grudge. I began to wonder what Twilight could have ever done to her. Perhaps, I thought, Twilight had stolen Trixie’s face. But then again, that wouldn’t explain why Trixie still had a face on her face…
“Ahem!” Trixie announced loudly, waking me from my daydreaming. “Anyway, it is a story about the horrible thing that Twilight Sparkle did and why she must be punished.”
Trixie looked at me with a grim expression and I could have sworn the room had grown darker. "It wasn’t that very long ago… maybe a few months, maybe a year… It doesn’t really matter. Exactly when it happened is not important. But exactly where it happened… well that’s a different matter.”
She leaned back and rested her head against the side of the wall, gazing at the ceiling and displaying some indescribably deep emotion in her eyes. “Trixie was travelling at the time. She had begun the story of her life in a small, peaceful town, but over time, she realized she wasn’t content with impressing the gullible, credulous, slack-jawed yokels anymore; she wanted to globalize her act, make it a thing of wonder across the entire world, as it very well should have been since the beginning! But there was, however, one very crucial thing that stopped Trixie from advancing her career as the most awesome pony in existence.”
I took a wild guess, “your speech impediment!”
Trixie frowned. “What? No! Trixie doesn’t even have a speech impediment!” She swallowed hard. “No! the problem Trixie faced was much more deep-seated than that. The problem she faced was having too much condensed awesome on one place.” She shrugged nonchalantly and grinned. “Trixie was, and still is, a badass! But nothing comes without a price, and the price of being a badass was paid by making random visits to shady inns.”
That made an awful lot of sense, I thought with a few brief nods of my head. Badasses are always getting in fights, kicking over tables, breaking bottles and otherwise showing everyone who’s the boss. And what better place to do all those things then in a shady inn?
However, there was one problem I had with Trixie’s story. “But you don’t seem like a badass…”
Trixie scoffed. “Well that’s because Trixie is the best badass…” She hesitated a moment, unsure of what she had just said. “The worst… badass..?” She looked to me for help, but I had nothing. “The most badass!” she concluded. “Trixie’s so badass you don’t even know she’s badass.”
I nodded feverishly. “Yeah!”
“Anyway, Trixie was such a badass she decided to stay at this questionable inn on the side of a road going absolutely nowhere.” Trixie eyes darted from side-to-side deviously. “She definitely wasn’t staying there because her show bombed and she was broke! That didn’t happen! Absolutely no way!”
Once again, I nodded feverishly. “No way. Didn’t happen!” I concurred.
“She was staying there because rumours were spreading of an upcoming rival badass, rising through the ranks and becoming a threat to Trixie’s awesomeness! And this rising star was rumoured to be at that very inn…
“So after Trixie beat up the thirty ninja assassins and half a dozen super dragons waiting to ambush her outside, she made her way into building and walked straight up to the counter and demanded a room and free refreshments from the bar. And she did this all, because she’s such a badass!”
I knew this story was a one-hundred percent correct slice of Trixie’s lifestyle. Why? Well, I’m not entirely sure why, but I didn’t feel like I was in a position to question her, especially not if she had beaten up thirty ninja assassins and half a dozen super dragons.
Looking very proud of herself, Trixie continued telling her story. “So after that, Trixie just strode into this bar, sat down and ordered herself a glass of milk.”
That didn’t seem like a very badass drink to me. “But why would you order milk?”
Trixie smiled delightfully. “Ahhh, you see that was all part of Trixie’s plan! Trixie ordered a glass of milk because she knew by ordering the least badass drink in the bar, she would actually be even more of a badass for not caring about how badass her drink was!
I nodded feverishly. Now that she's explained it to me, it makes perfect sense! I just didn’t know why it made sense.
“But while Trixie was sitting there at the counter waiting for her badass drink, this totally nerdy tourist walked in the room. She seemed to be looking for directions or something. Probably because she was a dorky tourist. Either way, Trixie paid her no mind, she was too much of a badass to associate herself with a dorky tourist. And besides, her drink was going to arrive soon.”
“Oh!” I waved my hoof in the air, trying to get her attention to ask her a question. “But wouldn’t associating yourself with the least badass pony in the bar only make you more badass for not caring about how badass your associates are?”
Trixie sighed heavily, rolled her eyes and asked the following question is a very condescending fashion, “Derpy, who’s the badass here?”
I quickly realized the error of my ways. I shouldn’t have doubted the most badass pony on the planet.
Trixie shook her head. “Not you…”
“I’m sorry.” I mumbled.
“Do not concern yourself with such trivial apologies.” Trixie lectured like the true badass she was. “Trixie’s sure you couldn’t have possibly known better, being so uneducated in the ways of badassery, so it’s not your fault.”
Trixie nodded at me once before returning to her story. “Anyway, back to the matter of real importance, the tourist was much too touristy for even the Great and Powerful Trixie to ignore and she just had to ask these stupid questions! She said to Trixie:” And in such a hastened and breathless manner that it could have rivaled even the terrible pink one herself, Trixie rushed through what seemed like a day’s worth of speech in a few short seconds. “‘Hi. I’m sorry, but you do you happen to know where the ‘Forest of Nightmares’ is? I know you’re probably wondering: why would a pony like me want to go into the Forest of Nightmares? Well, it’s actually kind of a funny story; you see I somehow got myself involved in this wacky adventure and now I have to save the world with these six inconveniently located magic items and stop the evil villain whose main goal in life is irrational and completely idiotic, but it’s okay because along the way I’ll meet lots of different ponies and develop my currently narrow-minded character into a much more open, intelligent and courageous individual with a zany personality!’”
I was surprised Trixie could remember that whole thing word-for-word. And I was even more surprised that Trixie was able to repeat it without stopping to take even a single breath. Only the most badass pony in the world could do that!
“But Trixie didn’t give a hoot about this stupid tourist!” Trixie loudly exclaimed. “No hoots were given at all! She just wondered why her milk hadn’t arrived yet. But Trixie wanted more than anything to make this tourist go away, so she replied casually: ‘Seems like you’ve done a lot of research into this.’”
What a witty and insightful response! I thought.
Trixie grinned, seemingly pleased that she had managed to get this far into her story. “Well she answered with:” And once again, Trixie spoke in the same, rapid tone as before. “‘Oh, yes! I always do a ton of research. My sensei said it’s going to be a very important life experience. She’s been trying to get me to leave my room, but I kept telling her, there’s way more to learn from books than the narrow-minded hooligans you meet on the streets. Those silly street ponies are too busy frolicking around all the time to get any real learning done. You know, the only reason I’m going on this whole adventure is because the evil villain I’m trying to stop stole all my library books and ran away with them. What a jerk!’
“Being the genius that she is, Trixie soon realized what the true identity of this evil villain was. So she asked the foolish tourist, ‘Don’t you think your sensei just made this whole thing up to get you out of the house?’
“But apparently that wasn’t what the mare wanted to hear. She began to panic! It was like the end of the world, hearing that her sensei had set up this whole thing just to get her out of the house! She started hyperventilating and looking around the room, desperately trying to find some kind of answer for this trespass. Fortunately for her, and unfortunately for Trixie, she had found an answer in Trixie’s newly arrived glass of cold milk.”
Trixie clenched her teeth and furrowed her brow. The next part of her story was obviously not a pleasant one.
“Trixie had planned on using the glass of milk! Lured in by the cold beverage, the rival to Trixie’s throne would finally show itself and Trixie could defeat her rival in glorious combat! But this stupid tourist pony was so angry and confused it seemed as if she had no mind at all! She reached her hoof out and knocked over the glass of milk! All of the contents spilled onto Trixie’s lap! Trixie’s plan was ruined! Now she would look like a total dork! Just like this foolish tourist!
“And, not knowing quite what to say, Trixie just watched as the coward said not even a single word of apology and ran away with her tail between her legs like some kind of stupid, ugly rat thing or something! And when she was gone, Trixie unleashed her rage by destroying the entire inn! Ask anypony! That’s what she did!” Noticing that some mysterious liquid had formed on her eyelids, Trixie hastily wiped it away. “She didn’t cry over spilt milk! She didn’t fall into tears at the bar of some crappy dump in the middle of nowhere! She was a badass! A BADASS!!”
Her story over, an unsettling silence filled the room. Neither one of us said a single word. Neither one of us even made eye-contact. But somehow that was enough, and I came to the sudden realization that Trixie hadn’t been telling the whole truth. From what she told me in her story, Trixie didn’t seem like a badass at all.
Breaking the silence, I opened my mouth and asked the still watery-eyed pony a single question. “You destroyed the entire inn?”
“Yes?” Trixie quietly sniffed, answering my question with what seemed like another question.
I was certain now. Trixie was definitely lying. She wasn’t a badass… She was: ‘CAPTAIN RAINBOW: Hero of the Universe and Destroyer of Evil Things’! Her story about being a badass had been merely a cover-up, a clever ruse to protect her secret identity.
Don’t worry, Trixie! You’re secret is safe with me.
However, despite my promise to keep her secret safe, I was overcome with excitement. “That’s friggin’ awesome!”
Trixie sniffed again, this time looking at me and smiling. “I know, right?” She wiped the last of the mysterious liquid substance from her eyes. “This is just allergies, by the way.” She pointed to her eyes. “There must be some… allergy… things… floating around here.”
“I wish I could do that.” I admitted, ignoring her last comment. “I tried to do that with the bagel shop down the road a couple days ago, but they just got angry at me for breaking their window!”
“Well these ponies knew how badass Trixie was, so they didn’t make her pay for the windows.” Trixie’s voice still sounded a little choked. It must have been the allergy things floating around here.
“Awwww! That’s totally radical!” I exclaimed. “You should come help me blow up the bagel shop!”
Trixie smiled a little wider. “Yeah, Trixie could probably do that… It’s not like there’s anyone more badass for the job…”
Then I remembered something very important, even more important than punishing the evil bagel shop and their terrible doughy rings. “Oh… But we need to ruin Twilight Sparkle’s evil plan first, don’t we?”
But if Trixie really was ‘CAPTAIN RAINBOW: Hero of the Universe and Destroyer of Evil Things’ then it was my duty to aid her in whatever way I could, even if that meant giving up my maple syrup addiction… again…
Looking down at the bottle of amber liquid, I said, “Yeah, I guess we can do that.”
Trixie smiled gently.
“Oh! But you know what we should do?” I grinned.
Trixie looked up expectantly.
“We should totally make a dramatic entrance!” I shouted enthusiastically.
“Yeah!” Trixie said with such a passionate excitement it was like she forgot all about everything else in the world. The only thing that mattered now was the gloriously dramatic entrance we were going to make.
“I love dramatic entrances!” I said, shaking with enthusiasm.
“Trixie loves dramatic entrances too!”
~
It was a true battle, preparing for that entrance we were going to make. We studied linguistics and enunciation! We researched drama, horror, romance and fantasy! We made a cape out of a tablecloth and a hat out of newspaper! And after all that, after what seemed like a year, even a year and three whole days, (but was really only about twelve minutes) we had the perfect plan!
A cool draft rolled through the massive room, licking at my flowing white cape like some kind of weird licking thing. The wind probably liked the taste of raspberries or mustard. After all, my cape had both raspberry and mustard stains on it. But they complemented my cape! Of course they did! I was sure I didn’t look like a crazy homeless person!
“But, you may ask, now that we know cosmic radiation is such a prevalent issue in our modern lives, how do we protect ourselves against it?” An odd looking unicorn was standing on a large stage at the end of the room and speaking loudly in an irritating, nasally voice as I burst into the room. Several eyes looked in my direction, and one pony even commented that I looked like ‘that unusual time-share agent that was always throwing brochures down his chimney’ but most ponies remained fixed on the presentation the unicorn was giving.
“Well, the answer is quite simple, really,” the unicorn explained intelligently. “You see, we can utilize common household materials to create something I call a ‘cosmic deflector’.” The unicorn presenter lifted a large, silver dome-like hat up high into the air for everypony to see and then slowly placed it on top of his own head.
Meanwhile, I continued running towards Celestia’s table with the utmost haste. Celestia and her sister were sitting quietly, listening to the presentation, and like many others, they were blissfully unaware of my approach.
“It’s fits on just so.” The unicorn presenter smiled when his hat was securely attached to his head. He seemed very proud of his stupid, ugly metal hat. But how anypony could be proud of some stupid homemade attire like that simply baffled me. “This particular ‘cosmic deflector’ has been made from regular, everyday tinfoil, but I’m sure as more ponies realize the danger of cosmic radiation, more fashionable cosmic deflectors will be created and made available for purchase. The current design is merely a temporary solution for a-”
“HOOVES!” Trixie boomed desperately from the other side of the room. Her awesome newspaper hat, the one that kind of looked like a sailboat, shone radiantly atop her head. Her fore hoof was raised high into the air. She seemed to be reaching out towards me, guiding me like a sea-captain guides his crew.
I stopped beside the princess’ table. All eyes in the room were looking at us now. They wanted to know what was happening, but I couldn’t tell them, and neither could Trixie. It was too soon for that!
“HOOVES!” Trixie screamed again. She directed her trembling hoof at Princess Celestia this time. “CAST IT INTO THE SUN! BANISH IT INTO THE FIRES OF OBLIVION!”
I turned to look at Celestia again. She was surprised, but remarkably calm.
“Are these some of your new friends, Luna?” Celestia looked at her sister, who was much less composed. “That one kind of looks like Twilight, doesn’t she? I mean, only if Twilight had been in a terrible accident or something, but still…”
Princess Luna was mortified! Her jaw was hanging wide open. And though she may have been at a loss for words now, I knew she was going to ruin everything. She knew what we were trying to do and we were running out of time!
I looked back at Trixie.
“DESTROY IT!” Trixie yelled again, her voice completely filling the huge room.
Trixie’s powerful voice shook Luna back to life. She turned to her older sister. "Celestia, these are the two delinquents we were speaking of earlier!"
I glanced down at the bottle in my teeth and the amber liquid splashing around inside and, for a moment, I wanted to run away again. Despite everything that’d happened today and all the goals I still had yet to accomplish, I felt I should just run away, forget Trixie and return to feeding my addiction in the safety of my own home.
"Are you sure?" Celestia asked her sister. “Because I want you to be absolutely sure. I don’t want to throw the wrong ponies out of the party. That would be a careless and awful gesture on my part, dear sister, and it would not be prudent to display myself in such a fashion in front of such a large crowd of my loyal subjects.”
But then I remembered the bagels. Only a pony as evil and terrible as Twilight could create such a horrible, disgusting waste of dough. I had to stop her! It was my duty!
I twisted off the cap and hurled the bottle of amber liquid at the white princess in her cream coloured ball gown! The bottle spun wildly in the air! And even though the contents of the bottle had miraculously stayed within the tight confines of their glass prison, I feared it would never actually reach Celestia. I feared it would break and the contents would disperse like droplets of rain in a hurricane!
"Yes!” Luna hastily cried. “Just look at them! They’re a couple of fools! PUNISH THEM!!!"
But my fears did not become reality! It stayed true to its course and the bottle gradually slowed its frantic spin.
“Alright then, Luna.” Celestia nodded slowly. “But I just want you to know-”
But before she finished her sentence, Celestia caught the bottle! She hadn’t meant to, no, certainly she hadn’t meant to catch it! She hadn’t even known it was there! But nevertheless, the neck of the bottle was now firmly wedged in Celestia’s gaping mouth.
Both princesses just sat there, paralyzed. The entire room seemed to freeze!
Celestia blinked.
I blinked.
In the silence, I waited and wondered. Panic rushed through my veins and I began to sweat. But a moment later I saw a small, seemingly insignificant bubble rush from the neck of the bottle, up through the amber liquid, and pop at the surface… And then, another bubble… and another.
Celestia is drinking it! I cheered wildly and Trixie ran towards me with a big smile on her face and that awesome newspaper captain’s hat on her head. Haha! We shall not be punished today, Princess Luna!
“VICTORYYYYYYYY!!!!” Trixie and I both screamed happily as we ran toward each other.
And when we reached each other in the big room full of tables and chairs and confused ponies, the most wonderful and spontaneous thing happened right there in the middle of it all.
Like clockwork, we both stopped at precisely the same time. Our eyes met and I felt a strange, powerful connection with Trixie. It was like nothing I had ever felt before. It was like a void had been filled inside my heart, and under that gorgeous smile and beneath that shiny silver hair of hers, I knew I had found the one pony in my life I had been eternally searching for.
We moved in close. My heart beat faster and faster. It felt like it was going to burst!
She closed her eyes.
I closed mine.
And then… we touched.
It was everything I had ever dreamed of, the best feeling in the world! I finally got to celebrate the all-important hoof slap!
Oh, you just can’t imagine what it was like! Given a million years, I could never describe the amount of shear gloriousness that was our hoof-slap. When our hooves made contact that day, oh it felt like everypony in the whole world was cheering for us! And from that moment on, gone were my days as a hoof slap virgin and newly born were my days as a true veteran of the hoof slap.
But in all the glory of losing my hoof-slap virginity, I had completely forgotten that Princess Luna still despised me. And she really, really despised me now. So although I had solved Celestia’s booze crisis, the journey to thwarting Twilight’s Sparkle’s plan to take over the world was not over yet. It was just slightly more coherent now.
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Author's Notes:
Wow! It's been a long time since I wrote one of these 'author's notes' things. However, if any chapter is deserving of one of these, it's definitely this one.
Firstly, I will start off by saying thank you for not abandoning this little story of mine. It really means a lot to me and I'm going to try hard to finish this in one more week! That's right! I've got all of chapter 8 typed up and most of chapter 9 typed up to, I just to fix some little things and they'll be released very soon.
The second thing on the agenda is to explain why it's taken me so long. To be brief, I procrastinated too long, realized that my lengthy procrastination had made it incredibly hard to continue this story with as much zeal as before, slowly lost touch with my editors and prereaders, procrastinated some more, thought about abandoning the story, and then eventually convinced myself that I would do this world, and my faithful readers, a terrible wrong by stopping now. It's not fair to start a story like this and leave everyone hanging for all eternity.
Lastly, I want to apologize to you, my readers, for making you wait so long, and to you, my prereaders, for failing to tell you what was going on, and to the one person who is probably most important in this endeavor of mine, my editor, Specter Von Baron. Good sir, much like my poor prereaders, I told you nothing about what was going on. This story could not have begun without you and I certainly hope it will not end without you. Regretfully, I have made the decision to post this chapter without your help, not because I did not have the time and not because I did not want your help, (in all honesty, the whole world knows I want and need your help...), but because I did not wish to trouble you with this silly story that you have probably long forgotten. But if this ever happens to catch your eye, or your ear, and you are still willing to help a writer in need, such as myself, please find some way to contact me. Regardless of the choice that you make, you have helped me realize the joy of writing and I will forever be in your debt.
________________________________________________________________________
Disclaimer:
“My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic” and its derivatives are the sole intellectual property of Hasbro©. I do not have, nor claim to have, the rights to the intellectual property that this story is based on.
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Hooray! I have waited so long and it was worth it!
Dramatic entrances are best entrances.
I freaked when I saw this had updated. And as usual, the absurd connections and delightfully non-Euclidean lines of thought were hilarious (I was laughing loud enough to annoy my neighbors about every 30 seconds), and the continuing madness is top-notch. The mental image of Trixie and Derpy high-hoofing in their superhero avenger moments is gonna haunt me for the rest of my life. Now I'm just waiting for syrup addiction to be one of the many things that only ponies as badass as Trixie or as confused as Derpy can experience.
Is it bad that I had a 'get to tha choppah' moment when Derpy was throwing the syrup?
this was amazing as always.
It about dam time.
No I'm kidding. I can't believe Derpy thought she was in line for the Bathroom and she even went all over her boss office.
Great chapter, I can't wait for the next one.
that
was
EPIC!
Indiana Derp and the Temple of Wat
Also Playing
Silence About the Font
Starring Anthony Hopkeys as Qwertyball Lecter
This is the best kind of dumb. The smart kind.
I've said it before. NO ONE SUSPECTS THE FLUTTERSHY!
Absolutely wonderful.
"But if this ever happens to catch your eye, or your ear, and your are still willing to help a writer in need, such as myself, please find some way to contact me"
GONDOR CALLS FOR AID SEND IN THE ROHIRRIM!
1461995 If only I hadn't made a grammatical error in that sentence...
This has made me very happy dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Derpy_Hooves_lolface.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Trixie_lolface_1.png .
1462311 But it lends weight to the message as a result of error.
seee! even your mistakes are awesome!
I almost forgot about this. Glad I didn't.
Pretty good chapter overall, despite the procrastination.
Oh Derpy, you so random!
And now Celestia has the booze she so desperately needed.
1467022
Wait, I thought it was maple syrup?
That was freakin awesome!
Best chapter so far!
Trixie is best badass
1469959
Derpy took it off the guard near the start thinking it was maple syrup and has addressed it as such for the rest of the fic.
It's booze.
... I believe this adequately sums up this story.
And it is GLORIOUS!
This chapter is badass.
Heh, the random has been turned up yet again and I wouldn't have it any other way! It seems only right that Derpy would get the job she has now only because of a potty break. Makes me wonder what she was doing before that. Drinking lemonade?
Also, I now need to finish this! I know you had updated but now it's over! I will endeavor to get this done before the end of the week. So I swear! I must know how much syrup it takes for the princess to get tanked!
I noticed this does not have the "random" tag on the EqD. I am very confused.
My two favorite ponies working together to defeat an evil boring princess.
*Sniff*
There are no words to describe the joy i feel right now.
ALL THIS BADASS LOGIC HURTS MY HEAD!