Chapter 6
The Mailmare
By theamberfox
Chapter 6
Princess Celestia is out of wine!
I immediately began hyperventilating. I remembered seeing a pony hyperventilate in the dentist's office one time and it seemed like a good idea. After all, oxygen is an important part of life. It keeps you going. It makes you smart! It makes you tough! So if a pony were to get some extra oxygen in their diet, wouldn't they be even tougher and smarter than usual? To think otherwise would be absolutely ludicrous! No pony can have too much of a good thing. That's why they call it a good thing and not a bad thing!
"Woah! Calm down, Hooves." Trixie held me by the shoulders and stared directly into my eyes. "This is not the time to panic."
Panic!? Me!? What a ridiculous notion!
"I'm *huff* not *huff* panicking!" I explained through exasperated breathes. "I'm *huff* strategizing!"
Yes, I was sure this new hyperventilating tactic would lead me to glory. But it certainly was a peculiar feeling, this extra toughness and smartness. Indeed, it almost felt like this excess of oxygen was actually a poison. My head felt clouded and strange, like it was trapped in a sea of thick cream cheese. And my limbs, they felt heavy and weak, like they were also in a sea of thick cream cheese. All I wanted to do was lie down and just get away from all this cream cheese, but I needed to fight through it! I needed that extra oxygen, that extra boost if I was going to save the world from the wrath of Twilight Sparkle.
"Stop it!" Trixie slapped me across the face.
I narrowed my eyes to thin slits. She had gone too far. She had interrupted my concentration when it was at its finest and now I had nothing! All my extra smartness and toughness was gone!
"I don't think you know what you're doing, friend." I said warily, my gaze unblinking, fixed upon her face.
Trixie stared back at me with the same harsh resolve. "The Great and Powerful Trixie knows exactly what she's doing. She always knows exactly what she's doing."
"Do you really? Do you truly understand what you have done!?" I prodded her in the chest. "Do you understand the consequences, the action and the reaction, the past, the present and the future and how it will all change now because of what you've just done!? Do you really, truly understand!?"
Trixie did not respond immediately. Instead, she continued to stare. Her lips trembled, as if she wanted to say something, but couldn't. It was as if my words had touched her very soul and made her regret what she had done. Or perhaps it was something else. Perhaps she was so determined, so convinced that she was right that she could do nothing else...
Or perhaps, as evidenced by the rest of the table's clear mystification as well as the small amount of drool on my chin, I was still just recovering from my hyperventilated state and the excellent speech I thought I had made was not quite so excellent and was actually a lot more incoherent than I imagined.
"Um... Your highness? Princess Luna? Ladies?" The stout waiter with the irritating voice had returned with a cart of food and was looking upon us with concern. "A thousand pardons, but I have brought your meals. Would you care to eat them now, or am I interrupting something important?"
Luna, who had remained silent for all this time, motioned for the waiter to come closer. "We believe those two idiots are in the middle of a duel or something, but honestly, we wouldn't mind our meal now. Making sense of this situation is a rather fruitless ambition."
"Fruit! Oh yeah! I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse!" Princess Celestia snatched a plate from the cart.
The waiter turned pale at the thought.
Maybe it was her breath, which still smelled like two dozen pickled eggs, or maybe it was her new hat, which was really my hat, but whatever the case, the waiter seemed to have an interesting habit of changing colours whenever Princess Celestia opened her mouth.
"Can you two wait until after we eat before you continue your duel?" Celestia asked.
Celestia looked down at her plate. On it was a large bowl of thick orange soup, garnished with a small green leaf that floated gently on the surface. Crowded around the plate like vigilant soldiers guarding their castle was an assortment of about twenty different kinds of dinner rolls in all sorts and sizes. I was both intrigued and slightly bewildered by the display, but everypony else just rolled their eyes.
"I think we're done." I looked at Trixie. "We're done right?"
"Trixie doesn't even know what we're doing." she shrugged.
"Oh, I don't really know either. I was just trying to make a scene." I smiled and shrugged. "I like making a scene. Making a scene is fun."
"What is wrong with thou!" Luna complained. "'Making a scene is not fun!"
Trixie shook her head in disagreement. "Not true. Making a scene is very fun. In fact, Trixie has the most fun in her life when she's making a scene."
"Hey, I like making a scene too!" Celestia grinned. "I think making a scene is an important part of a healthy, balanced lifestyle."
Celestia's grin deepened and she leaned over the table.
"This one time... I was making a scene... and... while there was this wine on the table, right? See, I like wine and I think wine is an important part of a healthy, balanced lifestyle..." Celestia leaned back away from the table and looked at her sister. "By the way, I still need some more wine, Luna. I'm all out and I really think I need some more wine."
Celestia looked at the waiter as he set a plate down beside Luna. The moon princess had ordered some kind of salad and her plate was covered in a jungle of leafy green foliage. It honestly seemed like too mundane of a meal for a pony of her size and stature, but then again, I really can't say I knew what a princess was supposed to eat.
"Waiter! Bring me more wine!" Celestia commanded, pounding the table with her hoof and raising her empty glass in the air.
As if it were terribly funny that she made such demands, Celestia chuckled at her own display.
The waiter looked to the princess with a bright smile on his face and an eager twitch in his limbs. There was nothing he wanted more than to please Celestia and get her more wine. But before he said or did anything at all, his gaze was inexplicably drawn away, towards the other, younger princess.
But the dark alicorn was not quite as happy as her sister. She stared daggers at the waiter. Shaking her head in disapproval, she rapidly drew her hoof across her neck in a very threatening manner.
"Well!?" Celestia tried to sound annoyed, but the playful giggling between her words spoiled the attempt. "Your princess needs more wine, lad! Do you intend to keep her waiting!?"
"I'm... I'm sorry, your highness. We don't... we don't have anymore wine." the waiter said, sounding very unsure of himself.
"No more wine! How dare thee utter those bitter words at the royal table!" Celestia could barely contain her laughter. "Get me something else then. Anything with alcohol in it."
The waiter looked at Luna.
Luna shook her head.
The waiter swallowed hard. "I'm sorry, you highness. We don't have anymore alcohol."
"No alcohol! I swear, you are the most useless waiter in the world!" Celestia frowned.
The white alicorn pressed her fore hooves against her temples and closed her eyes. The entire table fell silent as she slipped into deep, contemplative thought.
Not too much later, her eyelids flew open, she turned to the waiter and she asked him in a rapid and desperate tone, "What about mouthwash? Do you have any mouthwash?"
"Sister!" Luna was aghast. "We will not let thou drink mouthwash!"
"Well, what do you want me to do, Luna? Shrivel up and die?" Celestia frantically cried out. "I'm dying here!"
"Thou art not dying, sister. Thou art finally sobering up."
Trixie and I looked at each other. We were both still worried about that. We needed to find more wine, fast... Though, I still had no idea why we needed to feed the princess so much expired juice.
Perhaps, I thought, our plan is to send her on a lavatory vacation? I do hope she sends me a postcard...
Celestia cringed. She clutched her chest with one fore hoof and held herself up with the other. She seemed to be in a great deal of pain.
Her voice dry and raspy, she shouted out, "Sober!"
She cringed again. Her mouth gently quivered and her eyes watered. Her pupils shrunk.
"Princess Celestia?" The waiter seemed very worried now.
Celestia shot her hoof into the air in the most magnificent fashion. And, for a moment, she seemed to hang there, frozen in time and space. But it was a fleeting moment and she soon fell from her statuesque pose. She slumped onto the table, her hat flew off and her face slammed against the bowl of soup in a spectacular fashion. The bowl capsized and dinner rolls and a monsoon of orange liquid flew in every direction, thoroughly soaking the table around her.
"Oh dear! Your highness, are you alright!?" The waiter panicked, rushing to the alicorn's side.
Celestia plucked a now very orange face off of the table and turned it to the waiter. Her expression was dead. Boring and plain, it told me nothing of her mood and I had no idea what to expect from her next.
Celestia giggled childishly.
"I completely forgot about the soup." She smirked. "I was all like, 'Sober!' WHAM!"
Celestia threw her hooves in the air.
"Right in the soup!" She laughed again.
The waiter frowned and scratched his head. "Shall I get you some more soup, your majesty?"
Celestia just giggled.
Luna sighed. "Don't bother. It will likely take thou a week to find all those bread rolls again. We shall clean it up."
"Princess?" The waiter seemed puzzled.
But Luna ignored him and focused the magic around her horn. Gradually, all the soup on the table, in the bread rolls and on Celestia's face, mane, and beautiful cream coloured ball gown began to gather in the air. It floated there for a moment before transforming into a puffy orange cloud that drifted over top of Celestia's overturned bowl. The bowl turned itself upright and then, from the bizarre cloud, it began to rain. And for only the second time in my life, it rained pumpkin and squash soup.
The first time it had rained pumpkin and squash soup was at my eleventh birthday when I developed incredible psychic powers. The psychic powers were a rare gift from a genie. He told me I could use my powers only for good and never for evil. So of course the first thing I did was use my powers to feed the orphans outside my window, by showering them with a righteous spray of pumpkin and squash soup.
The orphans quickly fled and without delay, the genie turned to me and angrily asked, "Why did you do that!?"
"I wanted to feed the poor," I replied.
"They aren't poor! They're cats!" he shouted back.
"All cats are poor." I replied earnestly.
The genie then took my powers away and impaled himself with a fork, never to be seen again.
Turning my attention back to the soup, I noticed the last of the cloud had dissipated, the bowl was full and the scattered dinner rolls were gathered and neatly placed around their centerpiece. Finally, the little green leaf was found and returned back to the exact center of the meal and the setting looked, for all intents and purposes, perfectly identical to how it did when Celestia's meal first arrived.
"Eww." Celestia whined, seemingly unsure of what to make of this strange magic. "It's been on the ground. I don't want soup that's been on the ground."
"Now sister, we filtered out every particle of dirt, dust, and anything else that could possibly be unappetizing." Luna explained matter-of-factly. "We dare say thy soup is cleaner than it was when it first arrived."
Celestia just leaned forward in her chair and smelled the soup. But just as soon as the warm scent had filled her nostrils, her head darted backwards and she turned to Luna with a look of great disgust, agony and even horror!
"Where's my hat!? I don't have my hat!" she squealed.
Luna rolled her eyes, her horn flared and, from out of nowhere, that undersized black top hat of mine appeared on top of the white alicorn's head. As soon as it did, Celestia merely grinned happily, as if she hadn't a care in the world, and she leaned back forward to smell the soup again.
Luan rolled her eyes again.
"Is that what you did on the moon?" Trixie teased. "You learned how to clean up soup?"
The waiter wandered back to the cart and picked up another plate.
"It's not just cleaning up soup!" Luna argued. "It's much more complicated than that!"
The waiter walked over beside Trixie and set a plate down in front of her. It appeared to be some kind of pasta, tortellini perhaps. The whole thing was drenched in so much tomato sauce I honestly couldn't tell. The only thing left untouched by the thick dressing was a small, oblong piece of toast.
It both amazed and saddened me, that piece of toast. As a young filly, I had taken lessons from the great "Master of Toast". It was not an easy life and it required an immense degree of concentration and diligence. And even after five years of careful study, I could not cook a perfect piece of toast like the one that waited on Trixie's plate. But after those five years had passed, I realized that the great 'Master of Toast' was actually a piece of toast himself. At that exact moment, a giant iron 'E' fell from the heavens and crushed the 'Master of Toast' under it's tremendous weight.
Confused and slightly depressed, I sold that giant iron 'E' and bought some kind of 'toasting machine' at my local drug store. I still haven't used it yet.
"What kinds of soup can you clean up?" Trixie snorted. "Vegetable barley? Corn chowder?"
"It's not just soup! It's an extremely complicated combination of filtration and gathering spells that require years of practice."
The waiter walked back to the cart to retrieve what I assumed would be my own meal.
"Ok, so you can clean up coffee and milk and stuff too? That's cool. Did you do anything else on the moon, or did you just spend all one thousand years learning how to clean up soup and stuff?"
"Yeah, what did you do on the moon, Luna?" Celestia added, taking a substantial bite out of one of the dinner rolls.
"We did lots of things!" Luna declared, nodding feverishly. "We also... um... well, we wrote a song!"
"What's it about?" I asked.
The waiter set a plate in front of me. On it, was one thing and one thing only. It appeared to be some kind of brown lump that the chef had seared dark lines into over the grill. Other than that, I could not hope to describe this disturbing thing in front of me.
"Is it about soup?" Trixie asked. "Because if it's about soup, Trixie doesn't want to hear anything about it."
"It's not about soup!" Luna protested.
The moon princess then hung her head, as if she knew she was going to regret what she was about to say.
She took a deep breath before continuing, but still, her voice quivered ever so gently when she spoke, "When I was alone... on the moon..."
"Hey, what is this?" I pointed to the brown mass in front of me.
"Hey, yeah! What is that thing?" Trixie asked, eyes wide with interest. "It's like, totally weird!"
"Ugh!" Luna's head snapped back up and she gnashed her teeth. "You ponies are impossible! Can you not hold your attention to one thing for longer than five seconds?"
"But, just look at this thing!" Trixie exclaimed, waving a hoof at the brown blob.
"Yeah, this is not what I ordered." I said to the waiter.
"Miss, I believe you were unconscious when everypony else ordered." the waiter explained. "As such, Princess Luna insisted on ordering for you."
"Ohhhhh..." I slowly nodded. "Well, what is it?"
"It's called meat." Luna said begrudgingly. "And we ordered it for thou because..."
The dark alicorn took a second to collect herself.
"Because we wanted thou to demonstrate thy excellent magical ability that we have heard so very much about." Luna said, trying to forget her anger.
"What?" Trixie sputtered, her mouth full of pasta.
"Meat needs to be properly cut before it can be chewed and ingested." Luna said. "Thou must wield a knife and cut thy meat into manageable portions. But that is something we're sure thou will be more than capable of."
Luna let a sly grin work its way onto her face. Somehow she knew I had no chance of actually cutting that brown blob into smaller portions. That's why she ordered it for me. She wanted me to look like a fool! She wanted to prove that I wasn't a unicorn!
"But you still haven't explained what meat is." Trixie noted.
Luna's grin grew larger. "Oh, we won't badger thee with all the petty details. It is simply a Canterlot delicacy."
I poked the meat with the end of my hoof. It was soft and squishy and when I pressed down upon it-
"WOAH!!!" Trixie, Celestia and I all cried out at once.
The meat secreted some kind of strange, red juice!
"MY WORD!" I yanked my hoof away. "You're right, Princess Luna! This meat is incredibly delicate! I can't even touch it!"
Celestia was holding her thumping chest and Trixie's mouth was hanging wide with wonder, bits of pasta falling out and onto the table in a very uncivil display.
Slightly annoyed, Luna tried to correct me, "That's not what 'delicacy' means."
I poked the meat again. More strange red juice squirted out of the odd brown lump and once again, Trixie, Celestia and I cried out.
This 'meat' is just plain wrong!
"What is that!?" Trixie asked, pointing at the red juice.
"It's freakin' me out, guys!" Celestia panicked.
I pulled my hoof away. "Princess, this 'meat' is much too delicate to eat! I wish to order something else!"
"That is not what 'delicacy' means." Luna was quite a bit more agitated now. "Could you even-"
I poked the meat again, harder this time. A significant amount of red juice fled from the meat.
"Stop poking it!" Luna snatched the plate away from my hoof.
The moon princess directed her attention towards Celestia. The white alicorn was still staring wordlessly at the meat.
"Sister!?" In addition to her annoyance, Luna sounded surprised. "Why is thou acting like this? Thou hast seen meat before!"
Celestia's expression instantly reverted to it's normal, relaxed state.
"Everypony else was doing it." She shrugged innocently. "I didn't want to feel left out."
"I want to poke the meat again." I said.
"Can I poke the meat too?" Trixie asked.
"I wanna poke the meat." Celestia whined hopefully.
"No!" Luna shouted.
Celestia peered over at her sister. "You can poke it too."
"Nopony is poking the meat!" Luna picked up a fork and a knife up off the table and leisurely tossed both utensils in front of me. "Twilight is going to eat the meat."
I looked at the fork and the knife with some hesitation.
Convinced enough that I wouldn't poke it again, Luna slid the plate of meat back in front of me and smiled curtly. "And we are all going to watch her."
"Pardon, Princess?" the waiter interrupted.
I was surprised he hadn't left yet.
"Would you also like me to watch Miss Sparkle eat the meat?" he asked.
Luna raised an eyebrow at the waiter. "What? No, we don't care what thou does."
"Well then, with your permission, your majesty, I would like to watch Miss Sparkle eat the meat."
"What!?" Luna was furious. "No! Just get out of here! You're a waiter! Do your job!"
Disappointed and ashamed, the stout waiter returned to his cart and slowly began pushing it away.
"Now, now, Luna." Celestia lectured her sibling, waving a hoof in her face. "That wasn't very nice. He just wanted to see some meat get eaten."
"We don't care!" Luna growled. "Just hurry up and eat that meat already, Sparkle!"
"I need to consult with my meat eating advisor first." I declared with a firm nod.
"No! No meat eating advisors!"
"Princess Luna, Twilight Sparkle has a right to an attorney." Trixie slammed the table with her hoof. "Who are you to deny her that right!?"
"We are the guardian of the moon! WE ARE PRINCESS LUNA!!" she argued. "And she does not have the right to a meat eating advisor!"
"And do you have any proof of that claim?" Trixie argued back, jabbing her hoof at the dark alicorn.
Luna pointed back, but at me instead of Trixie as I had expected. "OK! And does she have proof that she's actually Twilight Sparkle!?"
I started to speak. "I-"
"You don't have to answer that." Trixie interrupted me.
My new friend turned to Luna with a smug expression.
"You know what?" Trixie said. "Even if she wanted to, Twilight couldn't eat this meat."
"Of course she can't. She can't even pick up the fork. She's not a-" Luna was cut off.
"She can't eat this meat because she doesn't know how!" Trixie declared, pounding the table again with her hoof. "Not one single pony has told her how to eat this meat!"
"She does have a point, Luna." Celestia agreed. "Hooves doesn't know how to eat the meat."
Luna was boiling over. She looked ready to explode.
I crouched down low in my seat to avoid the blast.
"I ALREADY TOLD HER HOW TO EAT IT!!!" Luna screamed.
"OBJECTION!!!" Trixie intervened. "That was not a proper explanation and you know it!"
"Sustained!" Celestia cried out.
The white alicorn slammed the table twice with her hoof. Several bread rolls fell off her plate and some of the soup splashed onto the table.
And then the inevitable happened. Luna exploded.
"NO! I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS!!! SHE IS GOING TO EAT THAT MEAT WHETHER-"
"OBJECTION SUSTAINED!!!" Celestia cried out with such power that the whole room shook under the weight of her voice.
The older sister then slammed her hooves against the table with such fury, determination and strength that the entire table exploded. The cups shattered, the plates shattered, even the massive wooden legs supporting the table shattered! I blinked and before I even knew what had happened, I was thrown from my chair and there was a tremendous boom as something hit the floor! When I opened my eyes, the table legs were gone and the huge, flat surface of the table was sitting on the ground, covered with smashed glass and porcelain and splattered with all our food.
Trixie, Luna and I were lying on the ground and Celestia was standing over the table like a champion standing proudly in front of her troops. Her magnificent mane and tail flowed majestically in the fictional wind and her dress gleamed in the faint sunlight as it crept in through the windows behind her and cast long shadows over the room.
The only thing that seemed out of place was that little black top hat, still sitting precariously on her head.
"Objection sustained!" Celestia firmly announced once more.
When I looked down at her feet, I saw it. The meat was there, perfectly intact, but covered with chunks of food and glass. I had to admit, it actually looked more appetizing with the extra colour.
Trixie sat on the ground beside me. She was in the exact same spot she had been in previously, but her chair was just gone. It was as if the chair had simply disintegrated into thin air, as there was certainly no trace of it left anywhere in the near vicinity. And with it gone, Trixie just blinked her eyes and watched seemingly nothing at all.
And Luna... Luna didn't seem to know what to say or do at all. She, like nearly all of the ponies in the dining hall, acted as if a meteor had struck our table and the only thing that was left was that stupid meat. I swear she had even forgotten how to breathe, as her face turned paler by the minute.
Finally, Celestia looked at the mess around her and seemed to regain her awareness of the situation.
"Luna?" Celestia asked as she planted her rear firmly on the ground a few inches away from the table. "I may need you to clean up my soup again."
Luna batted her eyelashes at her sibling before responding in complete monotony, "We won't ask how you broke our table like that, as we firmly believe we will never truly know, even with an explanation, but why, sister? Why did thou feel so inclined to do that?"
"I thought it was appropriate." Celestia gently nodded. "You were acting like a real foal."
Luna glanced over the broken table lying on the floor. I think she wanted to take it all in one more time. If nothing else, it really was an interesting phenomenon. It was like watching a mountain stand up and walk away. No matter how many times you saw it, you would never really believe it.
And then, with a heavy breath and an empty voice, Luna said, "We will try to be more considerate of others."
"Good." Celestia said. "I expect nothing less."
Still unknowing of just what we were supposed to do, Trixie, Luna and I scooted ourselves closer to the table and propped ourselves up in sitting positions. And from that point onwards, we proceeded to pretend that the table legs were still there, the chairs were still beneath us, and the table wasn't an absolute disaster. It certainly made a lot more sense than the reality of the situation.
"Would you care for some meat, Twilight?" Celestia asked me.
I looked at the food spattered, glass covered brown lump with uncertainty. "Uh... Yeah, sure. I'm pretty hungry after all of that."
And with that, the table erupted back into it's regular disorder.
"What is wrong with thou!?" Luna asked in shear frustration. "Was that all for nothing!? Do any of you have any common sense at all, or do you prefer to live on the very fringe of your own mind!?"
I think, maybe, that the princess was trying to offend me, but she wasn't doing a very good job. Perhaps some ponies might be offended by her suggestion, but I think I prefer not to have any common sense at all. No, I have more extravagant, interesting and diverse sense, not just boring old common sense.
But before I could express my feelings to the princess, that irritating waiter appeared out of nowhere and interrupted us again, "Pardon me, Princess Celestia, your highness?"
I think Princess Luna was really starting to hate that waiter.
The waiter, however, seemed to be the only one left who was still concerned with the destroyed table and his eyes remained focused on the catastrophe I had refused to believe.
Predicting his question, Celestia responded quickly. "Oh, don't worry about the table, waiter. We haven't really noticed a difference."
"Actually, that's not why I am here, your highness." The waiter finally turned away from the disaster and looked at Celestia. "I'm here because you requested that I was to inform you if one of your guests made a substitution to their meal."
Shocked by this news, Celestia stiffened in her place.
"Of course! Thank you, sir!" Picking herself up off the floor in a hurry, she then turned to us and with a quick nod, she said, "Ladies. I have important business matters to attend to."
She then took her leave from the table and abandoned the rest of us to ignorance. What was she talking about? The waiter seemed to know, but he did not have any desire to share that information with us and hurried back to the kitchen instead.
I didn't let it bother me. I was hungry!
I reached across the table for the meat.
"At least let us clean it off first." Luna said. "We don't like thou, impostor, but we do not wish to see thou stuff thy mouth with broken glass."
I reluctantly complied and paused for a moment while Luna lifted the meat up, plucked all the broken glass and bits of food from it, and set it down on the cleanest piece of porcelain left on the table. I imagine it was part of Celestia's soup bowl, but I could be wrong. There really wasn't any way to tell anymore.
When she was done, I stared at the strange brown blob for a moment. I still wasn't really sure I wanted to eat that thing, but after looking around once more, I concluded that it was the most appetizing thing left on the table and I just kind of bit gently into the side of it. My teeth sunk effortlessly into the meat and I proceeded to tear off a tiny chunk and sit back in my seat.
Luna and Trixie both watched as I leisurely chewed the meat once, then twice, then three times. It was... It was strange. It was juicy and... interesting and...
"THIS IS FANTASTIC!!!" I shouted in delight. "This is the best thing I have ever had. It's amazing. It's wonderful! It's tasty and delicious and savoury all at once and I..."
Trixie looked a little surprised, obviously not expecting me to actually like that horrible-looking brown mass.
Luna just smiled.
"I want more." I said.
I picked up the meat with both hooves and ripped off another chunk of the thing. The juices rolled gently down my arms and soaked the cuffs of my white shirt, but I didn't even care. I didn't care what I looked like eating this thing. Nothing in this world, even muffins, could compare to what I was eating now!
Luna's smile grew brighter.
"Give me some!" Trixie pleaded.
I didn't want to share it, but it felt criminal to keep this magnificent thing all to myself.
I tossed the juicy brown lump to Trixie. With her magic, she caught it in mid-air and very gently nibbled the side of it.
"This is amazing!" Trixie laughed out loud.
She took a massive chunk out of the thing with her teeth and then passed it back to me so I could do the same.
Luna started to laugh. It was quiet at first, insignificant even, but the more we chewed and swallowed and enjoyed that awesome thing called 'meat', the louder it grew.
We ignored her and ate the meat like ravenous animals! Trixie seemed to forget her magic and simply stole the thing away from me with her bare hooves. And after what only seemed like seconds, the huge blob of brown was reduced to a tiny scrap and eventually disappeared completely. The only thing left of it was the red juice that covered our lips and hooves and the delicious taste that still coated our throats and our memories.
But that wasn't enough! We wanted more! We wanted so much more! But seeing that there was none left in the immediate area and finally starting to recognize the now passionate volume of Luna's laughter beside us, we felt we couldn't ignore her any longer.
"You alright?" Trixie asked, licking her lips and her stained hooves a few times before wiping the last remnants off on the tablecloth.
Luna smiled fervently. "We should ask you the same thing! After all, thou just ate every last scrap of the meat!"
Trixie let out an exasperated sigh.
"Alright, Trixie admits defeat, your majesty." Trixie bowed gingerly, not really putting much effort or care into the gesture at all. "You were right. Trixie was wrong. The meat was delicious."
"That's not what we mean." Luna shook her head. "What you just ate was..."
Luna paused and gently giggled to herself. But Trixie found nothing funny in her laughter. The long silence seemed to concern her more and more and my companion's attitude quickly took a turn for the worse.
"What!? What was it!?" Trixie demanded. "Was it garbage!? Was it-"
"LAMB!" Luna finally cried out.
Trixie looked like she had seen a ghost, but I didn't quite understand.
"What do you mean?" I asked Luna.
"You ate a sheep!" Luna grinned and put a strange emphasis on her words. "You ate an animal that we cooked over the grill! You ate an animal and, we dare say, you enjoyed it to!"
Ate... an animal... The thought filled my head like a cloud of buzzing locusts. Did I really eat an animal... and... enjoy it?
"You mean..." Trixie's voice shook in the air. "You killed something... and then fed it to us?"
Luna chuckled and nodded with content. "Yes!"
Trixie's face turned a faint green and she turned away.
My stomach began to rumble.
Suddenly, Trixie turned back to the table with a smile as big as her face. The green was gone completely and she seemed quite genuinely happy about something.
"Hahaha!" Trixie laughed.
Luna was astonished. As was I.
"Trixie was just joking! She loved the meat! The meat was delicious! She doesn't care that it came from a sheep!"
"But..." Luna's grin quickly faded. "Thou hast eaten an animal!"
"All the better!" Trixie pounded her chest with her hoof. "Now Trixie feels like a vicious conqueror!"
My faithful companion got up from her seat on the floor and raised a hoof threateningly.
"BOW DOWN TO THE GREAT AND ALL POWERFUL TRIXIE, MORTALS! BOW DOWN NOW OR TRIXIE WILL BE FORCED TO EAT YOU!!!"
When she had finished shouting, Trixie returned to her seat with a proud look on her face.
"How many ponies can say they've eaten an animal!?" Trixie smirked. "How many ponies can say they enjoyed eating an animal!?"
Luna was a little more disgusted than angry. She was visibly shaken by Trixie's response, evidently expecting a much different reaction.
"And thou?" Luna cast a worried glance towards me. "Don't tell us thou enjoyed it too?"
My stomach was still rumbling in an unsettling fashion.
And then I burped and the rumbling feeling was gone.
I shrugged. "I thought it was pretty good."
Luna looked horrified.
"What have we done...?" she whispered to herself.
"I'll have some more if you've got it." I added. "I didn't get to-"
But before I could finish my sentence, screams and hollers filled the air like trumpets!
Panic arrested me and I had absolutely no clue what was happening.
"WHY!? OH CELESTIA, WHY!?" a voice cried out in dismay.
"The horror! THE HORROR!" another voice shrieked.
"And that's what you get for making substitutions!" Celestia's voice warned.
Luna turned pale, Trixie turned pale, and I finally realized what 'business matters' Celestia had been referring to.
A disgusting scent wafted in my direction.
I didn't want anymore meat.
"Well, what do you know. I think I made enough room for dessert." Celestia smiled as she wandered back to our table.
Luna was clearly not enjoying herself. "Sister... We are not even going to ask."
"Haha!" Celestia laughed. "I pooped on that pony's plate!"
Luna covered her face in embarrassment and shame.
Celestia sat down at the table and scratched her head.
"I still can't find any alcohol, though." she admitted. "It's too bad, because I think I'm sobering up now. I really thought I would enjoy pooping on that pony's plate, but I kind of feel... bad for him..."
I could tell that these weird new feelings confused the princess. She tried to shake them away, but it was a futile effort.
"Well, I guess if I'm sober, it might as well be during the speeches and the presentations." the white alicorn sighed. "Twilight? Did I give you a program in that letter I sent you?"
I never got a program, so I shook my head in denial. But to be honest, I wasn't really thinking about that, and from what I could tell, neither was Trixie.
Celestia was changing. Her voice was growing clearer and more elegant. It was like she was turning into a completely different pony and it was happening so fast it was unreal.
And then it hit me. I finally understood! I knew what the alcohol was doing to her! The alcohol must have suppressed some kind of gene in the princess that made her boring!
Luna slowly turned to her sister and smiled. She knew exactly what was happening. This is what she wanted all along. She wanted the princess to be boring! The boring princess must have paid more attention to boring details like clothes and the colour of a pony's hair and the sound of a pony's voice. The boring princess would be especially boring and so she would see that I wasn't really Twilight Sparkle! The boring princess would throw me out of the party!
Oh, but if only she knew the truth. If only she knew that I was fighting an evil minion of the darkness! If only she knew that my goal was to keep a terrible tyrant at bay!
I hid my face behind a hoof, trying to disguise my appearance from Celestia.
"I really do hope I did, Twilight." the boring princess said. "It would be a very foolish mistake on my part if I forgot to send you a program. I know how much you like to plan ahead and follow all the events in their precise order. You know, that's part of the reason I asked you to come..."
The boring princess was very boring and I found it especially difficult to pay attention and listen to her boringness. However, when her boring voice suddenly shifted to a more interesting, concerned voice, she grabbed my attention again.
"...Twilight?" the slightly less boring princess asked.
I peered over the top of my hoof and looked at the two alicorns. Luna was as happy as a pony could be, but Celestia was really very concerned.
"Are you alright? You don't look well, Twilight." Celestia asked gently.
Trixie leaned towards me and whispered in my ear. "We need more alcohol! Anything! Now!"
I began to sweat. We had neglected this problem for far too long and now it was almost too late.
I felt around in my pockets, hoping, wishing for something to be there that could help me. But when my hoof fell back upon that cold bottle resting in my pocket, everything went terribly wrong.
My mind went fuzzy. I forgot all about our problem. I forgot all about Celestia and Luna and Trixie and the entire party. All I wanted was that sweet, delicious syrup. But when I pulled the bottle out of my pocket, I could feel somepony else's eyes watching it. Trixie saw it. She saw the bottle and she smiled.
"Haha! Hooves, you devil, you!" Trixie chuckled quietly. "Why didn't you tell Trixie you had that bottle? That's exactly what we need."
Exactly what WE need!? I thought, instinctually becoming defensive of my beautiful bottle of tasty maple syrup. HA! I think not. This bottle is mine.
"Give it to Celestia." Trixie said, still smiling.
I turned slowly to face my friend and stared at her with a cold gaze. "I don't want to give it to Celestia."
"What do you mean? Celestia needs that bottle." Trixie persisted.
I was starting to get angry. Why did she want it? What was she going to do with it?
"Well I don't want to give her the bottle." I fought back.
Trixie leaned in closer, but I quickly leaned away. She was trying to take it from me!
"I think you should give the bottle to Celestia, Hooves. Is that so hard?" she asked.
"Well, no... and... yes." I replied, gently caressing the bottle with the end of my hoof. "Now it comes to it, I don't feel like parting with it. It's mine, I found it. It came to me!"
"There's no need to get angry." Trixie said.
How could she say such a thing!
"Well if I'm angry it's your fault!" I gnashed back at her. "It's mine... my only... my precious."
"I think you've had that bottle quite long enough."
"You want it for yourself!" I screamed and jumped to my hooves.
Without looking back, not even once, I ran through the dining hall, passed all the tables, all the waiters and all those stupid nobles and straight out into the main hall. When I got there, I rushed behind one of the stalls and pushed my back against a corner. I wanted to make sure that no pony had followed me, so I carefully peered around the stall and out into the hall. But no pony had followed me. The whole room was empty... deserted. Sure, the signs and the stalls were still there, but all the ponies were gone. They were all in the dining hall, eating and having a good time, not a single care in the world plaguing their thoughts.
I was... I was finally all alone. All alone with the maple syrup... the stupid maple syrup....
I hated it. I hated that stupid syrup, that stupid thing in my pocket and I was beginning to realize again why I had left it all behind in the first place.
I wanted to smash it... I didn't care if I needed it. I didn't care if Celestia needed it. I didn't care if the whole world needed it! I wanted to smash it!
I ripped that horrible glass bottle out of my pocket. But as soon as I cranked my neck back and prepared to deliver the fatal blow, somepony interrupted me.
It was Trixie. She was just standing there, looking at me, but somehow she had still stopped me from breaking that bottle. I don't know what it was. Maybe it was her eyes, maybe they had some kind of mysterious telekinetic power that I didn't know about. Or maybe it was some kind of mind-controlling drug in her brilliant starry purple hat, the very same one she had put on my head earlier this evening.
Or maybe it was something else entirely...
Trixie smirked and slowly shook her head. "Don't be stupid, Hooves."
Maybe I was finally beginning to understand what it meant to have a real friend in this world.
I gently set the bottle on the ground and smiled back at my friend.
"Derpy." I said. "My name is Derpy Hooves."
"Well don't expect to get the other half of Trixie's name, Derpy." my friend said with a smile. "Trixie hates it. It's like something from the back of a cereal box."
________________________________________________________________________
Author's Notes:
Hello everyone! Sorry this chapter is so late. I have been busy with a number of other projects. In addition to my usual activities, I'm learning how to sew...
...for the exclusive purpose of making pony plushies. It's really hard work designing patterns and getting everything to fit properly. I never imagined I would have to do so much math...
Anyway, my thanks goes out to both my editor, Specter Von Baren, and my prereader, themadkossak. Your time and patience are much appreciated and you both really help keep this story rolling on the right track.
If you have any questions or comments about the story, feel free to email me at admin@theamberfox.ca. I also keep a close eye on the comments below, so you can reach me there too.
________________________________________________________________________
Disclaimer:
“My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic” and its derivatives are the sole intellectual property of Hasbro©. I do not have, nor claim to have, the rights to the intellectual property that this story is based on.
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Once again a masterful roller coaster through the absurd that left me choking on my own laughter. The BEST. POSSIBLE. THING.
This is easily the funniest thing I've read since Gilda vs. Knitting.
Its so beautiful. Reminds of my Terry Prachett's Discworld.
Damn. Never maje substitutions in Canterlot.....
You, sir, have given me all the Lols.
And yes. Luna has created a monster. Ponies eating meat, indeed. The unasked question is, who was the unfortunate soul tasked with killing a baby and grilling it?
The "Objection!" sequence had me rolling.
Troll logic is best logic. :D
So.....what is theamberfox smoking and can I have some?
More shenanigans!
The improvised Court thing was hilarious.
The Princess poops on somepony's plate, and all of a sudden she's getting sober? This story gets more absurd and confusing with each chapter. Oh lord, Derpy's gonna get drunk, isn't she?
THE INSANITY HAS BEEN SQUARED! and then squared again.
How did she destroy that table indeed...
This story is a thing of beauty...
But I wonder why Luna feels like being moral about ponies enjoying the meat but has no problems about the fact she send a sheep to get killed and cooked in order to be served to Derpy...
I'll probably have to re-read this some day and try to find out the exact moment when the night princess lost it.
It's amazing how so much win can happen during one dinner scene. And we're still not through yet!
Derpy seems to have had some pretty awesome teachers back in her day. I wish I could have met them-Oh Hai, Master Old Spice!
Ahem. Anyway, I love how Trixie is able to think so quickly on her feet and keep the act going as long as possible. She's good at what she does, I'll give her that.
And I'm sure if somepony looked closely, they could count the veins on Luna's forehead. And get a good view as they burst.
Loving it! Keep 'em coming!
img.ponibooru.org/_images/27d918924de715e392412e7c9601413e/154538%20-%20a_billion_hours_in_ms_paint%20Cadence%20Hubble%20season_2%20shining_armor%20spoilers%20wat.png
And we know sheep can talk! LUNA COMMITTED MURDER!! SHE'S STILL NIGHTMARE MOON!!!
Celestia: Luna, you know what this means... Skippy the Moonrock will be getting his companion back... and lots of bananas. You like...mmmmm... bananas, don't you Sister?
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Your prereader needs to try a little harder. "The genie then took my powers away and impaled himself with fork, never to be seen again." A short while later Luna is written as Luan.
Other than a few minor errors I love this whole thing. I have been following this intensely since Chapter 3. This is by far the greatest absurdity of any fic I've ever seen. I can't stop reading it! Put bacon on your taco!
792311 Thanks for pointing that out. It's fixed now. (I'm ashamed I didn't see that...
I take great pride in making sure all my work is properly edited.)
And I'm glad to hear your so interested in my story!
I'm trying to make it bizarre and unpredictable, so although I've had a couple people complain, the overall response has been pretty good.
Unfortunately, I can't give you any idea of when I'll be done the next chapter. But I'll try and have it out in a week or so.
I'm enjoying this fic immensely, even thought my sense of humour has never really been the sort where I can laugh at someone who's in the right being, for lack of a better term (and it's 3am), bullied(?) (I may come back later and edit that), I feel for and can't help but side with Luna during all the shenanigans.
However! I still find myself laughing at pretty much everything that isn't that. Even if I sometimes don't even understand what the hell's going on, The genie then took my powers away and impaled himself with a fork, never to be seen again. Da hell?
All in all, Bravo!
I LOVE this fanfic! Write more!!!
So... next chapter, anyone? I hate being impatient, and I REALLY hate rushing you. I'm sorry if this comes off as mean or rude, but you said "a week or so" ten weeks ago. I'd just like to know that this is still going on. I love this fic. Don't let it die!
1209242 Someone hasn't been reading my blog...
But yeah, I know. I'm bad with my timeline. ESPECIALLY this time. This time I was really bad with my timeline. But it's not dead. I've been working on finishing it, but I've been too busy lately.
I really want to have it done and sent to the editors by the end of this week. I've got about 3/4 of it finished right now, so it shouldn't take too much longer.
1220811 You have a BLOG?! When did this happen?!
1260356 LOL.
Don't get too excited, it's just the blog here on fimfiction. But if you go to my user page, you can get to it from there. I think it's on the right side of the screen.
I don't usually post much on it. Most of the time it's just me trying to explain why I'm so late with the new chapters.
BUT I AM ACTUALLY GOING TO BE DONE SOON! No, really! Honest! I'm not procrastinating anymore!
Its the closest I've seen a brony come to the gloriousness of Douglas Adams.
It was at the meat that I was forced to conclude that at some point, possibly the very beginning of the story, Derpy caught a terrible illness and everything since has been a bizarre fever dream. It's the only logical explanation. Certainly then we don't have to wonder why lamb was on the menu, or for that matter could be procured at all without considerable advance notice.
Actually, it was probably when she fainted from Tia using her own name in vain. That seems like the most likely point.
I for one love the name Lulamoon
From the point of poking the meat to the table exploding is how i see an internet argument with 3 trolls and some guy playing out.
