The Mailmare

by theamberfox

Chapter 9

The Mailmare
By theamberfox

Chapter 9

“Nobles of Equestria!” I passionately announced. I needed to calm these ponies, settle the mayhem and regain the full attention of the room. Fortunately, it took no more than those three words. And when all were quiet and listening, I continued on. “Princess Luna, Princess Celestia… other ponies who are not necessarily nobles or prominent magic-users but still managed to get into this party somehow...”

Trixie cheered at this statement. I winked back at her.

“I am not the pony you thought I was.” I professed. “I was merely posing as the one you’ve come to know as Twilight Sparkle to accomplish my righteous goals!” The word ‘righteous’ made me squint my eyes. For some reason, I thought that action gave the word more of an effect. “These goals are not simple nor are they easy, but they are noble and just and worthwhile. These goals, as I will soon explain, are the one and only thing stopping a terrible super-villain from taking Equestria and crushing it and all our hopes and freedoms into dust.”

Luna, still staring at me, looked quite displeased. One might even say she was completely disgusted with me right now. Nothing ever pleases this princess, does it?

“This one I speak of,” I announced, “this terrible tyrant and monster determined to ruin our lives and stomp on our freedoms is none other than Twilight Sparkle herself!” I slammed a hoof against the stage so hard it cracked the floor. And for a split second, I began to wonder if this stage was constructed according to the proper standards, because I don’t think I should have been able to do that! That’s just plain dangerous! “The very pony I was impersonating!”

I do not know whether they had secretly known all along, or simply didn’t care about the convoluted backroom politics I was currently so deeply involved in, but every member of the audience deemed it quite appropriate to simply remain seated, say nothing, and watch me with a blank expression.

Somepony coughed loudly. A chair screeched against the floor as somepony got up and headed to the washroom. I wasn’t having the effect I expected… Maybe I need to be louder…

So I started again, more loudly this time, “This one I speak of-”

Luna, however, had finally broken free of what I imagine was the most stunned, awe-inspired silence I, or any other pony in that room, had ever witnessed. “You are an absolute… complete… idiot!” she screamed. “You came here and wrecked this entire party for that!? On what grounds could you possibly believe that Twilight Sparkle is a super-villain? Better yet, on what grounds could you possibly believe that coming here, pretending to be somepony you’re not, acting like a moron the entire time, and then revealing your ridiculous idiocy in a similarly ridiculous fashion would possibly convince them to believe you?”

I shrugged.

“About anything!?” Luna added sharply. “It’s like you have no brains in your head at all! Did you not, even for a second, think that it would have been better to keep pretending you were Twilight Sparkle!? At least then you would have convinced everypony that Twilight Sparkle was such a complete nutcase that they would end up ignoring and avoiding the real Twilight!”

I shook my head in disapproval. “Ah… See, one would think that, but…”

But Luna hadn’t finished her ranting. “As of today, I have honestly begun to think that stupidity is contagious! Because, after having spent just one short evening with you, I have started to feel more and more stupid! At this rate, I fear that if I don’t do something right away, I’ll become almost as stupid as you are! Of course, two ponies having absolutely no intelligence would seem impossible, but you have revolutionized my understanding of stupidity. Only now that I’ve met you, do I truly understand what stupid is!”

While Luna’s ranting was fairly nonsensical, rather unpersuasive and quite rude, I had to admit, I don’t think I had entirely thought this one through. More or less, I was ‘caught up in the moment’, as some would say, and I had just thought it would have been a good idea to reveal my identity at that time. But, come to think of it, my original plan was a lot like the one Luna had described, impersonating Twilight to destroy her reputation and disown her as a student. Unfortunately, however, I fully realized that was impossible to do now. Unless…

I decided the next best course of action was to pretend it all didn’t happen. Surely nopony would notice if I was quick.

I hurried over, picked up Trixie’s hat, put it back on my head and declared to the audience, “NEVERMIND! This didn’t happen! I am still Twilight Sparkle! What you just witnessed was merely AN OPTICAL ILLUSION!” I then followed up my announcement with some super spooky ghost noises and limb flailing, to further prove my point of course. “ooooOOOooOOOoooooo!”

Luna’s face closely resembled a ‘vortex of hate’. And if you don’t know what a ‘vortex of hate’ is, then you should probably get out more often because I see it all the time… Regardless, if she had been angry before than she was furious now. But since Luna had actually been furious before, I wasn’t quite sure what to make of her now.

“WHAT!? YOU!? WHAT!?” Her legs were trembling, her eyes were red, and her words were incoherent and full of saliva. I don’t think I ever actually feared for my life before, but if there was any point in my life when I thought I was going to die, ignoring any and all situations involving the pink one, it was then. The amount of saliva flying from Luna’s mouth was enough to drown a small mountain village and I could already feel myself choking.

And on that note, I suppose it was fear that convinced me to say what I said next, as any rational, intelligent pony would have noticed the error with my next few words. “HAHA! PRINCESS LUNA! You are so funny! YOU ARE JUST LIKE YOUR SISTER!”

Of course, that was not what Luna had wanted to hear at all! And if I wasn’t sure what to make of her before, I was absolutely certain what to make of her now. She was definitely going to kill me. And it wasn’t just from the sheer volume of saliva she was spraying from her mouth, because that had stopped now. She was done with senseless words. Now she seemed more interested in feasting on my intestines or doing something equally as gruesome and horrible to me.

I feared the worst… She would probably try to force-feed me bagels…

Fortunately, however, Celestia and Trixie seemed to have realized this even before I did and they both had made their way onto the stage.

“LUNA!” Celestia yelled, trying as hard as she possibly could to get Luna’s attention. “LUNA! STOP!”

“NO!” Luna declared with such malice and volume that it made the paint on the walls begin to peel.

And to my great surprise, behind the grey paint on the walls was a delightful orange colour.

There it is! I could see the orange now! LUNA WAS RIGHT AFTER ALL!

“WHY SHOULD I!?” Luna screamed. “ARE YOU GOING TO CALL ME FAT AGAIN IF I DON’T!? OR LAUGH AT ME!? OR SEND ME TO THE MOON!?”

Celestia didn’t seem to know how to respond to that, but she held her sister back all the same.

“CELESTIA!” Luna screamed again. “Do remember now!? Do remember why you sent me to the moon!?”

Celestia was trying so hard to hold her sister back that she didn’t have time to think of a reply. But, as I would soon learn, Luna was never expecting a reply.

“It wasn’t because I wanted some ridiculous eternal night, like you’ve been telling everypony!” Luna’s horn began to flare. “It was because of some idiot like her!” She pointed at me and glared at her sister. “I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE, CELESTIA! I don’t care if you have to send me to the moon for another ten-thousand years, I’M GOING TO KILL HER!!!”

Luna reached her magic around my throat and began to tighten her grasp. I was going to die. I was going to die and I never got to tell the postmaster what I great job I did delivering that letter. He would have been so proud. He probably would have given me a promotion… and a parade… and a statue in my honour…

“IT’S NOT HER FAULT!” Celestia screamed back, her voice, even at its loudest, only barely comprehensible amidst the chaos. “IT’S MY FAULT! I’M SORRY! I SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU!”

Luna shook her head and scoffed. “HA! Told me what!? Told me about your drinking problem!? Give me a break! It’s not like I don’t know already!” Surprisingly, she was distracted enough by this that she had loosened her grasp on my throat just enough so I could breathe again. “Smothering what’s left your honour- our honour in booze doesn’t matter to you, but strangling a senseless moron does? You don’t deserve to rule this country anymore, Celestia!”

“I uhhh… I uhhh…” Celestia hesitated and a smile worked its way across her lips. “I’m not drunk, Luna. I haven’t ever been drunk.”

I admit Celestia seemed much more serious than she did earlier, but I still failed to grasp this ‘drunk’ thing everypony was talking about. It seemed to me that it meant a pony has had too much to drink, but Celestia did not seem at all bloated or having any strong desire to go to the washroom, so how could she have had too much to drink? It just didn’t make any sense.

Regardless, her words seemed to have had the opposite effect of what Princess Celestia wanted, because Luna just became even angrier. “WHAT!!??? But you’ve been drinking all night!”

“Yeah… About that…” Celestia rolled her eyes. “You should know better. Alicorns can’t get drunk! Remember when we were young and I got cancer, bronchitis, small pox, polio, cholera, ebola, malaria, and athletes hoof all at the same time!? Everypony thought I was going to die… especially from the athletes hoof! They were all like: ‘Oh my gosh! Her hooves are so stinky and gross!!!’” Celestia smiled and chuckled to herself. “But I recovered from all of that the very next day. So when it comes to alcohol, we recover from that far too quickly to be affected. If you ever drank any of the stuff you would have known I was just pretending…”

“PRETENDING!?” Luna cried out.

“Yeah! Watch.” Celestia chugged what was left of the bottle of amber liquid, which was about three quarters of its original contents, and threw the bottle away. “OMG!!?? I’m drunkers, Little Luna!” Celestia laughed. “See? I’m fine. Not drunk.”

“BUT WHY WOULD YOU PRETEND TO BE DRUNK!?”

“It’s fun.” Celestia shrugged. “To be honest, I always pretend to be drunk at these conventions. Ask anypony. I always thought the real convention was really dull and so I started pretending to be drunk like two-hundred years ago. After other ponies started figuring it out, it became like this big inside joke.” Celestia directed her attention to the crowd. “Right!? I’m always doing something wacky at these things?” Nearly every pony in the crowd acknowledged that statement in one way or another. “See? Honestly, it’s not even about the convention anymore.” Celestia giggled and covered her mouth. “Oh! You should have seen what I did last time, Luna! There was this big cake, right? And I hid inside the big cake! But here’s the best part- I was naked! And then-”

“CELESTIA! Look at me!” Luna obviously didn’t want to hear about Celestia’s naked cake story at all. “This is NOT making me less angry! It’s only making me hate you right now! You knew how much these things mean to me!”

“Oh, Luna…” Celestia shook her head. “You haven’t been to one of these things for a thousand years. Things change! Now ponies are more interested in things like:” Celestia pointed to the back of the room where a familiar looking individual was standing. “SURPRISE GUEST: QUEEN CHRYSALIS!!! Give her a hoof everypony!”

Chrysalis smiled and bowed a few times for the audience. Following that, she vanished in a flash of light and reappeared looking like the splitting image of the noble Princess Celestia herself. And all of this happened while the ponies of the audience cheered and stamped their hooves on the ground in joyous glee and admiration.

The real Celestia smiled and laughed cheerfully as Chrysalis changed back to her usual appearance. “She’s always really good at these events! You know, she’s been coming for the last thirty years!”

Both Trixie and Luna were quite confused by this new fact. But since Luna was still infuriated and busy trying to strangle me, it was Trixie who spoke up first. “But didn’t she invade Equestria a little while ago?”

“Yeah… She was a bit miffed that I forgot to invite her to the royal wedding. She told me she was going to invade Equestria,” Celestia rolled her eyes, “but she always tells me she’s going to invade Equestria when something like this happens. So when she threatened to invade for the tenth time that year, I was just like: ‘Okay! Yeah! I totally believe you!’ and she was like: ‘I’m not kidding, I’m gonna do it this time!’ and I just laughed it off… But, wouldn’t you know, she did invade Equestria! Colour me surprised!

“But it’s okay… I explained everything to her and she was okay with it. In the end…” Lost in her thoughts, Celestia scratched her chin and directed her attention towards Chrysalis. “What’d we do?” she asked the queen.

Chrysalis laughed and grinned, showing a set of very sharp looking fangs. “I think you banished me with the power of love.”

Celestia laughed so hard it brought tears to her eyes. “Yeah! Yeah, that was pretty funny! At least all the nobles were laughing about it. Everypony else thought it was for real and they were like, super confused. But you know that just made it even more hilarious.”

“I wouldn’t have suggested it if I didn’t think it would have been funny!” Chrysalis remarked, once more showing her fangs in that strangely delightful smile of hers.

I thought it was funny too, but Luna didn’t seem to care. “You’re not listening to me, Celestia! Can’t you see how angry I am!? You never tell me ANYTHING! I’m-” She stopped and stared at me for moment. Then she stared at Celestia. And finally, her lip quivering slightly, she stared back at me.

And in a completely unexpected turn of events, she let go of my neck and I fell to the floor, gasping for air.

Panicked, Luna looked to her sister again, “Does that mean that this pony, the one pretending to be Twilight, was really just part of some elaborate joke of yours!?”

Celestia rubbed the back of her neck. “Well… about that…” Celestia smiled. “I actually have no idea who this pony is. I’ve never seen her or her friend before. I was just kind of rolling with it.”

Trixie and I smiled these big innocent-looking grins. And for the second time that night, I feared for my life.

“WHAT!? YOU!? WHAT!?” Once again, Luna’s legs were trembling, her eyes were red, and her words were incoherent. It was apparent to me that Celestia’s explanation had not properly addressed all of Luna’s concerns. “You’re serious!? …YOU’RE SERIOUS!” Luna turned to face me before asking, “Then you had no idea about any of this!? You… HOW DID YOU EVEN GET HERE!?”

“Me?” I asked, slowly getting up off the floor and dusting myself off. “Well…”

And so I told Princess Luna everything, right from the very beginning when I received the letter in the mail. It was interesting to watch her, because, despite what I thought was a clear, concise, and completely rational explanation of my adventure, she seemed to find everything about it utterly unsatisfying. Indeed, another pony might even consider her current state to be one of anger. I suppose a pony could possibly draw themselves to that conclusion from the way she stared at me with those unblinking eyes and loud belaboured breaths, but I was fairly certain that wasn’t the case.

No, she wasn’t angry now. My story made too much sense for her to be angry. I was absolutely sure of Twilight’s evil tyranny and the terrible deeds she had done and nothing was going to convince me otherwise. The only possible explanation was that she was having a difficult time understanding the gravity of the situation. No doubt the revelation that one of her sister’s pupils was plotting her demise was unsettling. And even more importantly, she had no doubt come to the realization that I, like Trixie, was a superhero now, and she was having a difficult time coming up with a proper reward for my daring exploits.

I modestly suggested a small castle filled with jewels, but even that did not entice a response from her…

“Hold on a minute.” Celestia said with a raise of her hoof, stopping me before I suggested two small castles filled with jewels. “Where did you say that letter was addressed to?”

Princess Luna, oblivious to the world, was shaking violently now. I guess she must have finally understood her situation and was now deeply afraid for her life. She must have realized that no reward she could give me would ever be enough payment for my heroic deeds. That did not, however, explain why her eyes were changing color; they were kind of green and catlike now. And, if I wasn’t mistaken, she was growing taller too. How strange. Perhaps she’s gained some kind of supernatural powers with all this new knowledge I have given her.

Ignoring Luna’s metamorphosis, I responded to Celestia with a smile. “32 Meadowview Lane” Though I wasn’t quite sure how that was at all relevant to our situation. We had much more pressing matters to deal with right now; like how I was going to be rewarded.

Maybe we could host a semi-annual parade in my honour. I nodded in approval of my own suggestion. Yes, that would quite excellent.

“Ahhh...” Celestia nodded. “I must have addressed the envelope wrong.”

Now I knew I wasn’t mistaken. Luna was as tall as her sister! And her pretty ball gown, the deep violet dress with the obsidian trim around its frilly decorative edges, was now clearly too small for her. And if you looked close enough, you would even see that it was splitting at the seams. It was also evident to me that her coat was a much darker shade of blue than it was before. Now it was almost black.

Celestia chuckled lightly. “You see, I wanted to send it to 32 Meadowview Road! Isn’t that funny? I had the address wrong.”

I stood there for a second, merely chewing my lip and wracking my brain. 32 Meadowview Road? Hmmm… Who lives at 32 Meadowview Road..?

And then it came to me.

“OH! You mean THAT Twilight Sparkle!?” I laughed and tapped the floor with my hoof. “She lives in the library, right? You know, I thought that place looked familiar when I broke in there; oh, Twilight’s a really nice pony! She’s the one that lent me ‘Overdramatic Baking Tales from the Deep’. You know, one time I-”

Luna didn’t seem to care much for my story. “AAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!! I STILL DON’T CARE, CELESTIA! I’M GOING TO KILL HER! I’M GOING TO KILL HER!!!”

And so, still smiling at how funny my predicament had been, even with Luna now choking me as best as she could and Celestia and Trixie desperately trying to pry her off, I couldn’t help but think, I can’t believe I forgot about Twilight Sparkle! Oh, I’ll definitely have to send you an apology or something my friend, because-

~

“That’s enough, Miss Hooves.” The detective sighed in a most exemplary manner. “I think I can put all the rest of the pieces together on my own.”

I smiled and started to get out of my chair, but was caught halfway when the detective said, “That doesn’t mean you can go yet, Miss Hooves.”

Reluctantly, I fell back into my chair and waited for him to continue.

“We still have some other matters to deal with.” The detective started flipping through his very long list of notes, but frowned and gave up before he reached the end. “First, Miss Hooves, I have some questions I would like to ask you. For all intents and purposes, your answers will be off the record. I just…” The detective looked back at his notes for moment and then back at me again. “I just need some kind of explanation… Do you mind?”

I thought it was understandable enough. My story had been rather long and he had been so good at not interrupting me until now, so I was glad to answer his questions. “Yeah. Sure.”

“Okay.” He stared at me for almost a full minute, thinking long and hard about which of his many questions he’d like to ask first. Finally, he blurted, “Why did you always have to stop at regular intervals and announce things like: ‘The Mailmare! Chapter 1!’?”

I was about to answer, but he just kept on going. “I didn’t have so much of a problem with that as I did with the silence that always came before it. I mean, you’d just sit there for what seemed like forever and you wouldn’t say a word.” The detective seemed to get more and more aggravated as he spoke. “One time, you were quiet for so long I actually left the room to relieve myself, and when I came back you were still quiet. We were even going to call a doctor, but then you just starting speaking again like nothing happened! What is wrong with you!?”

When he was done, I admitted, “I like to build up suspense.”

The detective’s eyes went wide and his mouth seemed to move like he was going to say something, but the only thing that came out was: “Okay…”

The detective took another moment to recover before asking, “Well then, tell me this: why are you so afraid of that pink pony? It honestly doesn’t seem like she’s done anything wrong. I mean, she just tried to-”

“Don’t ask me about the pink one.” I said sternly, cutting him off before he finished his sentence. It was one of the only topics I wouldn’t discuss.

The detective continued with his questions like nothing had happened. “What part of Trixie’s story made you think she was superhero? From what you’ve told me, she sounds like a total wuss! And a liar! And even more to the point, what made you think she was this ‘Captain Rainbow’ you’ve been talking about? Who is ‘Captain Rainbow’?”

I thought the answer to that question was obvious. “Detective, ‘CAPTAIN RAINBOW: Hero of the Universe and Destroyer of Evil Things’ is Trixie. I thought I made that pretty clear.”

“You’re just using circular logic!” the detective argued, his mouth agape. “You can’t do that! That’s… That’s not fair!”

“Well if that’s not fair, then maybe you shouldn’t be the one setting all the rules.” I added perceptively. “You’re only making this more difficult for yourself.”

“That doesn’t make any sense. I-” This time, the detective cut himself off. He seemed to realize he’d never be happy with any of the explanations I gave him. “Alright, you know what? Whatever. There’s only one thing left on the agenda and then I don’t want to have to even look at you. Do you understand?”

“Is it muffins?” I asked. “Cause I sure am hungry.”

“What? No. The last thing we have to deal with is your punishment.” The detective sounded very cross.

“But don’t I get a fair trial!?” I panicked.

“Haha!” The detective smiled and laughed. “No! Celestia outlawed those years ago! Now you just get one those drinks with the little umbrella in it.”

“Can I choose the drink?”

“No.” He shook his head. “It’s a Shirley Temple.”

“AAAUUUGGGHHHH!!!” I moaned like a dying camel. “Those are gross!”

“Well, you get what you get,” the detective lectured, “and in that regard, your punishment would usually be in the form of getting ‘banished to the mine’-”

“NOT THE MINE!!!” I shrieked.

“I said you would usually get banished to the mine.” He corrected with a heavy sigh.

“NOT THE MINE!!!” I shrieked.

“You’re not going to the mine!” He barked. “No, Princess Luna said that wouldn’t be fair to any of the other bad ponies already in the mine.”

Whew! I thought, staring at the detective and his big list of notes. I really didn’t want to go to the mine. The mine was a terrible place! You didn’t ever want to go to the mine!

“Instead,” the detective continued to read through his notes, “our lovely and benevolent princess of the night has specifically requested another punishment for you.”

“NOT THE MINE!!!” I shrieked.

“I already told you, you’re not going to the mine!” He yelled back. He then shook his head in annoyance and returned his eyes to his papers. “No, Princess Luna said, and I quote: ‘Her life is already a living hell, why keep her from it?’”

I remained silent. I had no idea what Princess Luna would have meant by that, but frankly, I was just happy not to have to go to mine.

“So instead of-” The detective stopped when he realized what he was about to say and chose his next words very carefully. “Instead of the usual punishment, Princess Luna wants a restraining order.”

“Against who?” I asked.

“Against you.” The detective pointed at me with a very incredulous expression. “Who else would she file a restraining order against?”

“You?”

The detective’s strange facial expression continued on in silence for a few more moments. After a while, he resolved to ignore my comment completely. “You are to remain at a distance of five leagues from Princess Luna at all times.”

“AAAUUUGGGHHHH!!!” I moaned like a dozen dying camels. “But I already have six restraining orders! And what’s a ‘league’ anyway?”

“Apparently it’s like five kilometers or something…” the detective mumbled. “Wait… Six!? You have six restraining orders!? Why am I not that surprised..?” The detective scratched his head. “Anyway, if you had six before, now you have nine.”

“NINE!?” I gasped.

“Yes. Apparently the postmaster general, who I gather is your boss, as well as some mailroom pony also want restraining orders against you.” The detective cringed when he read the details. “One said you wrecked his ‘blueprints for a better tomorrow’ and the other said you-” The detective frowned at me rubbed his temples. “…Took a dump in his office?” He shook his head in dismay. “Oh! And he also wanted me to tell you that you’re fired.”

“AAAUUUGGGHHHH!!!” Now I moaned like two dozen dying camels.

The detective tried to cheer me up, “Well at least you’re not going to the mine, right?”

“NOT THE MINE!!!” I shrieked.

The next thing I knew was getting thrown out of the police station and onto the street. But, to my pleasant surprise, as I lay on the conveniently placed pile of smelly trash they had thrown me on, I noticed a familiar face peering down at me.

“Finally!” Trixie let out a frustrated sigh. “You were in there forever! Trixie thought they were going to send you to the mine or something.”

“No.” I answered. With Trixie’s help, I picked myself out of the trash pile and stood facing her with a frown on my face. “But they gave me another three restraining orders…”

“Hah!” Trixie smirked. “Consider yourself lucky! Trixie has to do,” she scrunched up her face to display what I could only imagine was extreme discontent with her situation, “community service…”

Considering how terrible this day had been, I had to smile at her attitude.

“You should really wash that dye off.” Trixie remarked, pointing at my still purple coat. “It makes you look like a dork.” She grinned. “Oh, and give Trixie back her hat.”

I was reluctant to give Trixie back her hat. Wearing that hat had been one of the better parts of this experience.

“I also got fired from my job…” I added as she placed the magnificent starry purple hat on her head.

“Pffft!” Trixie scoffed mockingly. “Who needs a job!? Jobs are for schmucks! Trixie doesn’t have a job!”

Once again, I found myself smiling at her. Maybe she was right! I didn’t need a job. She had that awesome hat and she didn’t have a job; how could she be wrong?

“You know what!?” You’re right, Trixie!” I declared, pumping my fore hoof into the air and looking at my comrade with a fierce determination glowing in my eyes. “I don’t need a job! I have a better idea!” I grinned. “I shall become a rebel without a cause! No gates shall hold this mare back! I’ll budge in line! I’ll order pizzas and never tip! I’ll make promises and break them within the hour!”

This time it was Trixie that frowned. “Well… Trixie doesn’t think there’s much money in being a rebel without a cause…”

“No…” I admitted with a sigh, lowering my hoof and letting the grin fall off my face. “Probably not.”

“Trixie’s not saying you can’t be a rebel…” Trixie stared at me in silence for a brief moment. “She just thinks that you might want to have some kind of reason to be a rebel. Otherwise you’re just going to come across as being a lowlife.”

“Well, what about being a rebel to stop the evil Twilight Sparkle?” I hopefully suggested.

“Well the problem with that is you’ve already concluded that Twilight Sparkle really wasn’t all that evil.” Trixie shrugged. “But don’t get Trixie wrong, Twilight’s still a dork… just not an evil dork.”

“Yeah…”

I chewed on my lip as I thought about all that had happened. I hadn’t really realized it until now, but today was a brand new day. Between the chaos of the Annual Magic Users Convention and the retelling of my adventure to the detective, the entire night had just disappeared without me noticing.

It was now early in the morning and the sun hung low in the sky, the orange tinted orb floating above the horizon and partially hidden amongst the clouds. The wind that gently rolled past was a bit chilly, but somehow I never felt cold from it. With the birds in nearby trees happily chirping and singing all around me, I actually felt warm. And I guess I began to realize, this whole experience hadn’t been so bad after all.

“You know…” Trixie removed her hat and tried to straighten her hair with her hoof. Though, she only seemed to be messing it up even more. “You’re pretty good at making a scene and telling stories and stuff… Would you…” She drifted off.

Scraping some of the residual garbage out of my mane and off of my coat, I waited patiently for her to continue.

My friend stopped trying to fix her hair and plopped her hat back on her head. “Would you like to come help Trixie with… you know… magic shows?”

“YES!” I was so happy and excited by her offer I couldn’t contain myself. “ABSOLUTELY! I would LOVE to come and do magic-related stuff with you! I could help you move your stage and be like this awesome narrator pony and I could help you-”

“A simple ‘yes’ would have sufficed.” Trixie said, stopping me before I got too carried away.

A big smile found its way onto Trixie’s face and she started slowly walking away, the cool morning wind nipping at her cape as she followed the streets through the city. I hastened to follow her.

“But Trixie likes your enthusiasm.” my friend added. “She’s already starting to find ways to incorporate you into her act…”

The sun slowly rising higher in the sky, its color gradually changing from dark orange to light yellow, the two of us made our way down the street together. My new friend and, for all intents and purposes, new coworker, went on and on about her magnificent plans and how we would be showered with praise and riches wherever we went. All the while, I just followed her with wide-eyes and giddy anticipation. But it was more than just a new job with my new friend that got me so excited. I had really learned a lot today. But if there was one thing that stuck out the most, it was that I learned not to make shallow, uneducated presumptions about other ponies. All along I had assumed that Twilight Sparkle was an evil tyrant set on conquering the world and destroying our nation, but if I had sat down and thought about it for a minute or two I would have realized that she wasn’t a tyrant. She was the friendly librarian down the road.

But it wasn’t just Twilight. I had prejudged a lot of ponies today. I thought Celestia was going to be this big, scary, cold-hearted political figure, but she was actually really nice. Even though she had known all along that I was only pretending to be Twilight Sparkle, she was so accommodating, even going so far as to play along with my silly farce.

And Trixie… At first, I had thought she was a sinister assassin or bounty hunter, sent to stop me from ruining the tyrant Twilight’s plans and gobble up my brains like a hot apple pie! But that wasn’t true at all. If it wasn’t for her… well, I can’t honestly say where I would be right now. She helped me find my way when I was lost, showed me a world of knowledge I would have never figured out on my own, and risked everything she had for me. In less than a day, she had gone from a complete stranger to my very best friend; and that’s something I wouldn’t trade for the world.

Also, she was ‘CAPTAIN RAINBOW: Hero of the Universe and Destroyer of Evil Things’, which was pretty cool too.

As if on cue, my friend suddenly stopped moving forward and looked at me. “Oh! Trixie almost forgot!”

“Woah- What the HECK!” I couldn’t believe it. “Are you referring yourself in third-person!?”

Trixie was silent for a very long time. She reminded me of the detective, never knowing quite how to react to my genius. In the end, she seemed to have decided the best way to respond to my question was by leaving it unanswered.

And so, carrying on like nothing happened, Trixie retrieved an already opened letter from seemingly nowhere and passed it to me. Curious, I looked inside and pulled out a lone piece of paper. On it was written:

Our party was cut a little short. You two missed the music. I told Luna it was the Royal Equestrian Symphony Orchestra. I lied. It was somepony by the name of ‘DJ Pon-3’. It’s like a full-on rave in here right now. It’s pretty radical.

Gotta go now. Luna- I mean, Nightmare Moon is breaking dishes again.

-Princess Celestia

P.S. I know about the restraining order… Yeah, that’s right. I know about things before they happen. I’m just that cool. Anyway, I’ve made an exception.

P.P.S. Check the newspaper when you get a chance.

I wasn’t quite sure what to make of that letter until I looked back at Trixie to see her grinning proudly with two very familiar tickets floating in the air beside her.

“Looks like you’ll need to buy a new hat for next year.” she said, chuckling and giving me a newspaper.

I began to question how Trixie had all these items so readily available, yet I had never noticed them before. And then I realized, It’s magic! She doesn’t have to explain it!

On the front page of the newspaper was written: Nightmare Moon Returns! Equestria in Chaos!

When I read that title, I realized what Celestia had meant. I really did owe Princess Luna an apology. Like so many others, I had made assumptions about her too. But as I learned, she wasn’t evil. She wasn’t trying to prevent me from saving the world. She only wanted to enjoy all the magnificence of the wonderful party and I…

I felt like I ruined it for her. If I had only listened to her, then maybe I wouldn’t have caused her so much pain and suffering. And so, in addition to apologizing to Luna, from that point forward, I vowed to never make petty assumptions about any ponies ever again.

Trixie shook her head. “Not that one.” She flipped the paper over and pointed at a different, less prominent article near the bottom corner.

In a sudden and inexplicable move by Princess Celestia, all forms of surprise parties have been outlawed. While most ponies remain confused, but unaffected by the ruling, one hyperactive pink pony has fiercely protested the new decision.

I don’t think my smile could have been any wider. Take THAT, you pink devil!

________________________________________________________________________

Author's Notes:

Well, it's a little late, but it's finally done!

Unfortunately, I never did find a replacement editor, so I apologize for any spelling/grammar errors. If you notice anything major, please tell me and I'll fix it as soon as I can.

I guess I don't really have any plans for writing anything else anytime soon. One of these days I'd like to write a one-chapter long story, but I don't have any plans for that. I'd also like to write a sequel to my first story, but I can't say how long it will take before I get around to doing that.

With all that aside, thank you all for reading this ridiculous story of mine. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it!

________________________________________________________________________

Disclaimer:

“My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic” and its derivatives are the sole intellectual property of Hasbro©. I do not have, nor claim to have, the rights to the intellectual property that this story is based on.

Comments

[Seether00]

Well the madness had to end some time. Thanks for the ride.

[Redbush]

aww what a nice ending
Who would have thought Trixie would help out derpy?
Celestia just got more awesome by the second :-D.
Thank you for making this story!

[DreadedCandiru2]

Well, it's been a really weird little trip but I'm kinda sad to see it get over. They should make this into an episode instead of the nonsense about Babs Seed.

[Doctor Whooves]

This really was marvellous. I'm glad I read it.

[nemryn]

It's over? No, it can't be over! It's still 'incomplete'!

Also, poor Luna.

[Alondro]

And Dinky, forgotten throughout, starved to death all alone on top of a dark mountain in the middle of the desert where her body was slowly nibbled at by pill bugs.

(My addition makes as much sense as everything else that happened!)

[theamberfox]

1558528 Good point. I've changed that.

1558588 I know it's fanon that Dinky is Derpy's daughter, but I honestly don't see the connection. I'm beginning to think someone just said: "Wow! Look! They're kind of the same colour scheme! That must mean they're family!"

Although, I guess it makes just as much sense as: "Wow! Look! That green unicorn spends a lot of time with that yellowish earth pony! They must be in love!"

[Alondro]

1558797 It makes as much sense as anything the fannon has come up with. But in this case I wanted to add a bit of absurd tragedy which would leave people confused as to whether they should feel sad, laugh, or just stare blankly in confusion because they don't know what a pill bug is.

There is always method to my madness.

[Pawn Heart]

I loved it! One of the most sustainedly entertaining stories I've read.

Bravo!

[Steel Resolve]

That was utter madness. Well done.

[That_one_guy]

Jesus Christ, the greatest thing ever written right here, RIGHT HERE.

[Nambuk]

LMAO!
Oh God that Chapter was brilliant!
You bastard! You complete and utter bastard!
Outlawing Surprise Parties! I'll kill you all!!
The fact that Celestia was just going along with it the whole time, the Economists, Queen Chrysalis, everything was just absolutely perfect.

[Xuncu]

*cue ending sequence, sped at 2.6x normal speed*

[djthomp]

This is the best completely nonsensical story that I have ever read.

[RTStephens]

I was kinda expecting Celestia's reveal, but I also wasn't 100% sure. Nice going on keeping me guessing!

What a twist! Luna turns evil when the stupid reaches critical mass! Those poor, poor dishes...

Nice D'awww ending as well. I see great and powerful things in Derpy's future.

Also, pink ponies need to loosen up.

Such a wonderful and crazy story! Great job in finishing it!

[Forderz]

Did Derpy just cause the apocalypse?

[Cusi]

"Oh! You mean THAT Twilight Sparkle!" You made my insides hurt with so much laughter I felt I was actually gonna die. That, and drunk Celestia, Trixie and Derpy in the same fic almost guaranties a fave.

Naturally, fave.

[Silvertie]

I finally got around to finishing this, and I'm still glad I started reading this.

A commonly-uttered phrase that escaped my lips was "How high do you even have to be to even write something like this". That is, when I could spare the oxygen between laughing and shouting "no, no no oh god no no more" at my screen.

[theamberfox]

2109875 Agreed, the sentence in question should indeed start with "not". Unfortunately, this bizarre story of mine was put on such a long hiatus at one point that my editors and prereaders all disappeared and much of it is not quite as tidy as it really should be.

However, I disagree with your argument that Celestia's words should be written in American English. If you'll excuse my bluntness, I find American English to be quite sloppy and writing it down on paper always feels a little unnatural to me, so, whether or not I do it intentionally, I tend to avoid to revert to British (or rather, Canadian) English. I also wanted to exaggerate the difference between Celestia as a calm and collected monarch and Celestia as a... well...

If you've gotten that far you'll know what I'm speaking of.

Regardless, I'm glad you like the story.

[Borg]

For a moment I was tempted to say something like "Oh, that explains that." But then I came to my senses and realized this story still makes less sense than a bureaucracy under Discord's control. Not in a bad way, by any means, but still not the slightest Luna-forsaken bit of sense.

[Periphery]

Huzzah! I finished it at last! Back around October, I was away from home and offline for the better part of a month, so I fell even further behind than normal with a ton of stories. And ever since, I just never seemed to quite manage to dig back to pages 4 or 5 of my unread updates, even if some of the best stories were back there.

This really has been one of the funniest stories I've read here, though, and by far my favorite Derpy fic. The whole story was hilarious, and it was awesome watching her bizarre trains of thought. Plus I'm amazed at how you managed to make Celestia behave so absurdly, yet do it in a way that didn't bother me in the slightest. Normally, depicting Celestia as anywhere near that ridiculous would have bugged the crap out of me, but somehow it just made this one funnier. And the explanation at the end was perfect. Too many funny moments to focus on any one thing, really.

I notice you haven't been on for a few weeks, which is kinda sad, but I hope you at least see this message, even if you don't end up writing anything else.

[The Hissing Fool]

We approve of this delightfully random and ludicrous tale! For it has warmed all four chambers of my heart, and the nonsensical world of Derpy Hooves hath finally been done justice. Kind of like the justice one gets after finishing their first bowl of cereal after not having eaten it in years. You know what I mean...

[AppleTank]

Never argue with an idiot. They will drag you down to their level and beat you.
Also, NMM's power increases exponentially with how angry she is.

This was a fun one. Prolly shouldn't have put this into the "read later" list. I don't actually read them later.

[Soft Shell]

*Goes around his house collecting pieces of paper that have the word YES!, written on them*
*Hands them to theamberfox.*
Well there you go,thats all of them.
I cant even begin to describe how awesome this story was, so i wont, bye.
*Walks out the door.*

[Boott]

Well it was not what i was expecting when i put it in the read later box a few months ago, it was still a funny little story to read.
Thanks for the lols!