Time and Warmth

by GjallarFox

Cut

T&W1 - Cut

I sat in the darkest corner of the library I could find. I held a sharp knife in my magic, pointing it directly at my heart, which pounded slowly, like a prisoner in my ribcage. I felt the razor-like edge with a hoof, admiring just how sharp it was. I floated the knife around, placing the edge on my wrist, and dragging it across. A comfortable pain wriggled up from the fresh cut, allowing blood to flow from me, and drip down into the awaiting bottle. As I healed my wound, I picked up the nearby quill and dipped it into my red ink.

Thinking

To deny I've been thinking horrible thoughts would be a flat lie. To say that I haven't been dreaming sweet nightmares and terrible dreams would be falsehood.

I've been sitting here in the darkest corner I could find for close on an hour, and I've been doing some thinking. About where I am... About who I am... About what will {ponies} remember about me twenty years from now. The responses I came up with were less than pleasant. I've been doing some thinking, and as far as I know, I wouldn't be missed for long. As far as I know, I don't truly know anyone that would shed a tear. I used to say I prefer it that way... But do I?

I've been doing some thinking, this past hour and a half, and I've thought a lot about my armor. The fact remains that it's paper and ink, and it protects me about as much as the wind itself. What's to stop me from fighting myself and losing?

I've been in the dark for nigh on six hours, and I've been doing some thinking. What's stopping me from ending my worthless life? What is it that gives me pause before my knife meets my heart? The answer to that...

Even I don't remember.

A tear dropped from my cheek as I placed my favorite quill back in the ink bottle filled with my own blood. I had been crying the whole time writing the poem. I had been crying for six hours, and all I wanted was to stay in the dark and cut myself open again.

I was incredibly lonely. I had friends now, but I still felt it. I was the student of the Sun Goddess herself, and I still felt it. I was not alone, but I was always lonely. I hadn't cut myself since I became the princess' student, since life had been so much better. It was like having a parent that I actually could talk to. When I got upset, I could go to her and seek advice in the privacy of her chambers. But now...

Since I came to Ponyville, I'd started to feel that same childhood loneliness. Of course, I resisted the urge to cut for as long as I could. But when I saw my brother at his wedding... It reminded me of what I didn't have:

Love.

I shuddered to myself, curling up into a ball. I'm a cutter...

--

I wondered why I cried every day. Even though I full well knew why. I was never alone, but I always felt alone. I managed to smile every day as I took care of my animal friends. But really, I was just lying to them, showing them I was fine and happy when I really wasn't. I felt horrible every day because I'd look at a picture of my parents in the morning, reminding myself that they had disowned me. I wanted to hate them for it, but I couldn't blame them for not wanting their daughter to be a flightless fillyfooler.

I always felt horrible for being myself, so I tried to act normal around others. Sometimes, though, I caught myself ogling other mares. Every time I did, I'd cut my wings a little bit. For me, that was my escape. It was normal. It was better than dealing with my rampant emotions and depression.

I was looking at a picture of myself and Twilight at the Ponyville Fair. I held it gingerly in my wings like a newborn foal. I almost always stared at her in that picture, admiring her confident smile, her happy eyes, her unscarred body. I always thought she was incredibly beautiful. In the seven times I had thought about killing myself, I backed out because of her.

I put the picture back in its frame, setting it back down in my bedside drawer to hide it away again. I exchanged it for a long, sharp knife. I admired my handiwork in polishing it to the point of being almost a mirrored surface, and sharpening it to a needle's point. I carefully lifted my left wing in front of my face, holding the knife at the ready between my teeth. I gently brushed aside a few feathers, exposing a patch of skin.

Sweet, numbing pain travelled up my wing. I winced a little, but smiled afterwards, knowing that for now, I was emotionally numb. From my parents... From the world... From Twilight...

I cut myself again, whispering, "I wish I was like you, Twilight," to myself. I followed this routine every day, waking up, hurting, lying, cutting, and going back to my dreams. I cut every day because I ogled Twilight through the picture. I punished myself for being myself.

I'm a cutter.

--

It was nine in the morning, and I trotted through Ponyville with the greatest lie of my life painted on my face. I hid my scars beneath my feathers, and to everyone else, I looked fine, but I knew otherwise. But today, I actually had a half-truth to make the smile more believable.

I arrived at the spa, finding Rarity was already waiting at the entrance. I greeted her with a soft hello mumbled under my breath. She greeted me with a hug, and a proud 'Good morning' as she always did.

When we were finally left alone in the hot-tub room, I spoke up, "I'm a cutter."

She stumbled as she tried to step in gingerly, splashing into the heated water unceremoniously. I winced, hiding behind my mane as I always did. It had taken an entire year to finally say it, and I wasn't sure I could say it again, but I didn't care. I had to tell her.

"Whatever do you mean, darling?" she asked as she surfaced again.

"I'm a cutter... I cut myself. A lot," I muttered lowly, backing away. I could feel her gaze fixed upon me.

She hesitated a bit, no doubt selecting her words carefully. "Where?"

"My wings..." I replied, sitting down as I shrunk.

"May I see...?"

Silence filled the room. Without looking, I stepped closer towards the hot-tub. I extended my left wing towards her, allowing her hooves to move the feathers around and see the cuts. I heard her gasp multiple times, and mutter 'Dear Luna' under her breath. I huffed to myself at every dramatic reaction she gave.

"...why...?"

I had seen that one coming, but that didn't make it any less difficult to answer, "I am lonely..."

"That's it? If you just ask, I could easily find the perfect stal-"

"Mare."

She paused. "Huh?"

"I like mares. That's just half of it," I hissed irritably. "My parents disowned me for it. I still hate myself for it."

She shut her mouth, staring at me with wide eyes.

"My parents disowned me because I'm a fillyfooler, and I don't fly well. Every time I catch myself admiring another mare, I cut myself... I've been cutting daily for three weeks now..." I inhaled sharply, mentally preparing myself. "Because I've been admiring somepony..."

"Who? Maybe I can help you," she perked up, perhaps with a spark of hope that she could find me a relationship.

I remained silent for several minutes, mustering the courage I needed. "Twilight."

Her face hardened for a long while. She stared off into nothingness for what seemed like hours, calculating, hypothesizing. I admired her confidence.

"I can help you."

--

I heard a knock resound through the dark, still library at close to three in the afternoon. I was still in my dark corner, crying with no tears left. I held my knife sloppily in my hooves, the tip of the blade just one swift motion from my heart. I ignored the knock at the door. It wasn't important. Dying was.

It came again, interrupting me once again, startling me with how much louder it had gotten. I dropped the knife. I paused, glaring at the door to my room. I wanted to scream at the pony outside that dared interrupt me. After thirty seconds, I smiled, thinking the pony was gone.

The third knock was almost as quiet as a mouse's pawstep. I stared at my door, hearing the door to the library open. I heard my name being called by a familiar voice. But I didn't care. I picked my knife back up as the hoofsteps grew louder and closer. I felt tears return to my eyes as I heard the pony outside my room stop at my door. All they had to do was walk in, and the world would know I was a cutter.

"Um... Twilight... Are you in there...?" the softest voice I'd ever heard asked through my door.

I didn't reply. I knew it was Fluttershy, and I didn't want to burden her with my troubles.

"I... I kind of... need to talk to you... I don't know who else to turn to..." she whispered into the door. "I... I'm coming in..."

My heart froze in my chest. As much as I wanted to shove the knife into my chest, I couldn't. Something gave me pause just as I heard the knob turn.

In the dark of my room, Fluttershy stood, her wings bandaged heavily. Patches of red stained the otherwise pure white cloth that cocooned her wings. Her eyes allowed a single ray of light to expose a tear in her eyes. Her mane was disheveled, and sprawled every-which way. She looked around, but didn't see me in the dark corner.

"Twilight...?"

I stood up, gripping the knife in my teeth now. I stepped out of the darkness, earning a surprised gasp from the innocent pegasus. I giggled morbidly.

"Twilight... I-I... need your help..."

"W-what h-happened?" I asked, ignoring my own bleeding hooves.

"I'm a cutter..." she blurted, snapping her jaws shut afterwards.

I mulled it over in my head, trying to guess why. Of course, I didn't know too much about her, nor her background.

"I am too..." I mumbled without thinking. I turned away in shame. "Trade reasons?"

"I was disowned by my parents for being a fillyfooler..." she whispered, shrinking back.

For some reason, I wasn't surprised. But it did click in my mind how I'd seen her look at other mares.

"I'm lonely," I exchanged. "I don't have as good a reason, but it still hurts."

"I've been cutting because I've fallen in love with a mare, and every time I see her, I'm reminded of my parents, so I try to cut away the memories," she continued as though I hadn't spoken. "And now that I know that she's lonely like me..."

I held my breath. The gears in my mind started turning, recalling times and places I had only fuzzy memories of. I remembered catching her staring at me once in the park at a pet-play-date. I remembered her sitting right next to me in the anti-poison joke bath. I remembered all of the times she tried so hard to make me smile, and every time that she told me that I'd find somepony to love. She always said 'somepony', never specifying that somepony as a stallion.

"Maybe, we could... If you want to... Go out for tea sometime...? Unless you'd prefer something else..." she babbled nervously, her voice diminishing in volume as she continued. Or maybe my hearing was leaving me. It got blurry after that.

--

"TWILIGHT!" I shrieked.

There was blood. There was a lot of blood. Everywhere. It gushed from her chest, gurgling like a river past the knife stuck in her chest. She fell unconscious, and having fallen on her knife, she was now damn near dying if I didn't get her help. I felt panic set in as I remembered my wings were essentially useless. I inhaled sharply, filling my lungs in preparation for what only emergencies could summon of me:

"SOMEPONY HELP NOW!!!"

I felt my lungs begin hyperventilating as the adrenaline in my system started working its magic. I laid down in her blood, draping my right wing over her, not for her, but for me. I whispered comforting words into her ears, telling both of us that everything would be okay. I sniffled as my tears finally began streaming down my face, mixing with the pool of blood on the floor.

--

Author's Note:

Edited to fix a typo.

Comments

[kontonken]

Nice work. Hit me in the feels since I dabbled in cutting once upon a time. Thankfully, I found it wasn't for me. Sadly, someone dear to me cuts, but I try to help her avoid it when possible. Still, nice work. Very emotive.

[ForeverFreest]

Wow. This hits home.

Dang.

Thanks.

[I HV NO FEAR]

This is deep man. Very emotional and interesting. I haven't seen a story quite like this until now, so originality points to you! There was some awkward phrasing where you used the same word or phrase close to each other, but it was only once or twice. Overall good job.

[epreeses1]

Well shit. i thought there was going to be a happy ending. It went fast but that's fine. it was good

[GjallarFox]

2787919 2787923 2787993 2788095 2788122
There's an invisible chapter undergoing edits. Forgot to re-adjust the status. :3

<3 DarqFox

[epreeses1]

I need to work on more one shots, any ideas???
ANd i can't wait to read whatever you have left

[Nightheart]

well time to scrap my fic. was starting one kind of similar. i myself have been a cutter for 25 years now. well done. not going to lie i hope this ends well with the invisible chapter.

[Uncr3at1ve]

Not gonna lie, the part with Fluttershy cutting made me cringe not because I can't handle blood and stuff but... I hate it when bad things happen to wings as my headcannon places a rather high value on them... great story and all though.

[Nightroad]

This story is...darkly beautiful. The pain of loneliness is something that nobody is safe from, no matter how loving our friends our or how plentiful they may be, and it was demonstrated wonderfully in this story. Once again, you've gone and blown me out of the water my friend. Bravo

[Cool_Story_Reader]

Disturbing and nice at the same time. Nicely done

[Skyson]

The scene when Fluttershy talked to Rarity just doesn’t feel right.