[A/N I just can’t stop writing. And about my lazy ass Spanish teacher. Here’s how it works. I do absolutely nothing apart from tests, and I have a fucking 92 in his class. Even on the tests he leaves the charts for how to conjugate the verbs on the board. FREE CREDITS. If the writing style changes periodically it’s because I like to listen to music as I write, and music changes my mood slightly.]
(Shit, shit, shit) It was only misting right now, but the fire was small when I left and judging from the clouds this is only the beginning. (Fuck the traps, the wolf is enough. I can survive a little hunger, but starting the fire again would be hell. Thank god I stocked up on firewood.)
(Aliron could you teleport me to my camp?) [Why is teleport not a word?]
“I can do better. There is an empty cave nearby. I will teleport you and all of your supplies there. You might want to stop running.” I tried to stop, but mud isn’t good for traction. Suddenly I was hurled forward as my treads gripped the rough stone of the cave floor, hurled forward straight into the hard stone of the cave wall.
(SHIT)
*CRASH*
Aliron’s perspective
[Italic parenthesis represents Aliron’s “thoughts”]
(Oh no. He’s unconscious and there’s a pack of wolves outside the cave, what to do, what to do. I’ve got it, I just hope this doesn’t kill him.) I move into his body to take control. When I take control of his motor functions something awakens inside of his mind, something I have only seen once in my eternal life, the Spirit of the Forest. (How is this possible? A human with this spirit in his, how is he still alive? No matter, he is still unconscious, I must solve the problem I created, I must merge with him to correct my mistake) As I merge my thoughts with his mind his body’s shape changes. He changes from a scrawny individual of less than average height to a very tall being with well defined muscles. [From 5’6” to 6’10”] His hair turns pure white with midnight black streaks. Then his eyes open, they are no longer the clear blue of the noonday sky, they are now the darkness of an eclipsed sun. The mental changes are more difficult to describe because when his eyes open I am forced out of his mind by the Spirit of the Forest [Underlined text, whether parenthesis or quotation marks, indicate that the Spirit of the Forest is speaking/thinking (depends on whether it is quotation or parenthesis)]
“(WHO DARES ENTER THE MIND OF THIS BEING WHO HAS SO GENEROUSLY GIVEN ME A PLACE TO RECOVER FROM FROM MY WOUNDS?)”
“Spirit of the Forest, it is I, Aliron. But I had a reason to do so.”
(STATE YOUR REASON SO I MAY DECIDE WHETHER TO SPARE YOU.)
“There is a pack of wolves outside of this cave, and I had accidentally knocked Michael unconscious, I was merely taking control over his body temporarily so he would not be feasted on by the wolves.”
(DO YOU THINK I CANNOT DEFEND MYSELF AND THE BEING THAT HOSTS ME?)
“No no no that isn’t what I meant, I had no idea that Michael was hosting you, I’m not sure if he knows either.”
(He doesn’t. Now I shall solve this problem. Begone my brethren, this being is not to be eaten. Now Aliron explain to me why this being is in a cave.)
“Simply observe his memories oh powerful one.”
(You may refer to me as Reive)
“As you wish”
(Michael has no need to prove himself.)
“What of the other humans?”
(I shall judge them myself.)
“Yes Reive. How shall we tell Michael?”
(I shall tell him myself)
Michael’s POV
(What the hell happened? Ah fuck, my head.)
(Michael, you have no need to prove yourself)
(Great, and you would be?)
(I am the Spirit of the Forest, but you can call me Reive.)
(Why do you seem familiar?)
(Because for many years your mind has hosted me.)
(WHAT?)
(As I’m sure you’re aware, pollution on earth is out of hand, and being a nature spirit I am very vulnerable to pollution. In the haze of my mind I wandered for years searching for somewhere to rest. I came across your mind. You love nature like no other human I’ve seen, and that love healed me, albeit slowly. I apologize for doing so without your permission.)
(Don’t apologize, I had a spirit of nature inside my mind. HOW GREAT IS THAT?)
(After all of these years in your mind you still surprise me. As a reward for healing me I shall grant you three things. First, I shall make you the Spirit of the Everfree. Second, I shall grant your friends and family eternal happiness. The third, is for you to decide)
(Oh god, such a choice) My first thought is eternal happiness with the ones I care about, but then I remember all of the pain I have caused my family. (I can’t go back to them, they probably think I’m dead anyway. Wait what was that place Aliron talked about? Equestria was it?)
(Reive, I want a new life, in Equestria)
At that moment in Canterlot Hospital
“Congratulations it’s a colt.” The colt was red in color, but not from blood, with a red and blue mane.
“What will we name him?”
“Ferote, Ferote Eerfreve.”
“I love it.”
[A/N I know I left it open ended but this story isn’t meant to stand on it’s own. It’s the back story to the OC Ferote Eerfreve. Ferote is currently is in Where…am I? by Phoenixfire92, but he will be in more. I’ll add a chapter with a link when he gets put in a new story so track this if you want to see all the stories he’s in. If he is in a story that isn’t in a chapter (besides Where…am I?), tell me, because either they stole him, or I simply forgot to add the chapter. Seeya next time.]
-Michael
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I told you you'd get better at writing these....
Keep writing!
259502
I don't even plan these things through
its like there's a movie in my head and I'm writing down what happens
259555
Damn we think alike....
The most planning I put is into the chapter titles....
240065 there is a subliminal message in this
259568 ikr
originally I was going to have 5 chapters and have first letter of each chapter title was going to spell "worth"
Aliron and Reive had other ideas
No. Wolves do not attack humans unless they're incredibly desperate. First off, we taste like crap. Second, we're larger, and smell off. I say this because wolves are my favourite animal, and for people to portray them as dangerous, wild beasts is the very height of heresy. Now that personal issues are out of the way, let's move to the critique.
No offense, but it still feels rushed. There's not enough narration, and the first-person perspective actually makes the conversations really confusing. Also, there's not really that much emotional depth. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems to me that the protagonist is attempting suicide out boredom with a monotonous life. Then he gets deus ex machina'd into Equestria, and...some other stuff happens? I'm sorry, but it's really hard to follow, and the formatting really doesn't help. The frequent author's notes add to the confusion and disrupt the mood, and...well, there's still a lot of issues. There are some improvements, but you've still got a long way to go. At least it's not another Cupcakes, spinoff, amirite?
One main tip: dialogue shouldn't be the primary method of telling a story. That's what Shakespeare did, and look how exciting that is to read. Try writing in third person, or from the perspective of an omniscient narrator. First person is actually far more difficult to pull of than it initially seems, because the character must be very well defined.
Just a question: do you read much? I found that about 99% of what I learned about writer's craft came from reading, which I do way too much. I think it would be safe to say that I've read a couple thousand novels in my life so far, from hundreds of different authors and dozens of genres. But I digress.
My suggestions to improve your writing: read some novels. Not other fanfiction; I mean actual, published novels. Pay special attention to dialogue structure, narration and plot flow. And by all means, keep writing. Practice makes perfect. Just in the future, make sure to edit your work. Remove interjectory author's notes, and if you notice your writing style suddenly changes, go back and edit everything else to make it continuous. And I know it may seem impressive that you're writing what appears to be a movie playing in your head, but I think that's what's making it seem so rushed. Never write something as you're thinking of it. It just doesn't work.
But most importantly, go back and read what you've put down before publishing it. Preferably a couple days after you've written it. Make sure your plot flows well, and you have plenty of descriptive narration, and it doesn't seem cumbersome or rushed. One last note: cut down on the formatting. It's just plain confusing, and there really has to be a better way of identifying who's talking. Maybe narration, or something.
260397 thank you for the critique
He almost commits suicide because he was extremely deppressed
So, I/We am/are Ferote...that's so cool and yet at the same time, rather creepy. MPD much?
I really like how you plot-twisted this into a back story. Well weaved Mr. Writer, well weaved.
261909 MPD?
He was reborn as Ferote
And I thought I started fresh.
263573 Ferote gets the full life
He doesn't pop out of nowhere. he pops out of... well you know