The hell is up with all those dashes in-between lines?

I grabbed my bed's azure blanket to cover my bare flank. Why didn't I think of that before?

yeah, why didn't you? :P

2715483 i dont really know, but its not that big of a deal

Well... it's been long since I've last done this, but, it is for my master, TheaterCritic.

The second paragraph in the first chapter, describing the mare's life was kind of, how do you say, harsh, for a lack of a better term. I respect that cutiemark is important to pony society, but that was really, really, inpony of them.

I would starve, or die of hydration

I know one could die of hunger, but dying of hydration is impossible. Unless, you meant drinking down a barrel of water, non-stop, until your body just couldn't take it anymore.

Not that I care at this point. My life sucks, and I pray to the Sun Goddess Celestia to send me a guardian angel. But that will never happen. I don't deserve one.

So... she is an emo pone? Tell me if I got it right.

I needed some food or water, or I would die.

I would rather replace the 'or', with an and.

Why didn't I think of that before?

Try typing this in italics; it looks better.

During my search I spotted what appeared to be a house completely composed of candy.

This is the best time to remind you about comma, since, you could use it here.

There were various cupquakes, cookies and lollipops on display protected by pink stained glass.

Commas, commas, commas.

Then I just spend the rest of the day in my apartment trying to sleep, crying over the last bowl of soup being spilled, that sort of stuff.

Never mind about my first question; she really is an emo pone, and Pico Pie confirmed it.

A red Pegasus with short brown hair and a sword for a cutie mark. Though the cutie mark terrified me.

Yes, it scares me too, hun.

"Dawn." I said, shaking hooves with him. "I need to head home now, unless you want to come?" I asked, a hint of desperation in my voice. I hadn't had company since I lived with my parents.

I-uh... what...? That was sudden. Anyways, are we expecting sexy time in the next chapter, just say so, and then I will come back. It's quite rare to see a clopfic in a mare's perspective.

I want to see if you, and Ender -- is it? -- could pull it off.

"I guess I have nothing better to do." Wind laughed.

Well, Wind is a bit too open, today. Did he ate something stale?

"So you're not going to ask about my lack of cutie mark?" I asked with confusion.

I thought she doesn't want to open about that topic? Anyways, I could see where this is going already. And you might want to slow down; believe me, cause that's not how real life romance, works.

But since we're talking about some pastel-colored ponies here, I'll make an exception. But seriously, if you want some extra points, put in some real pacing.

"Not really" Wind deadpanned. "And I don't care either. Besides, I have a little sister who hasn't found her talent yet." Well there's a difference between a filly without one and a grown adult. Oh well. At least he isn't laughing at me.

It's not Babs, is it? Answer me Wind!?

"Well, thank Celestia." I said. Me and Wind exited Sugarcube Corner and trotted together through the empty streets. Market stands have been placed around the town for the Summer Harvest Festival. Ponies were selling berries, apricots, peaches, and other assortments of fruits. Too bad I didn't bring any more bits with me.

So... Dawn... why go frosted treat, instead of assorted fruits, which, have lots and lots of nutrients and vitamins that is important for a growing mare?

Anyways, why didn't you tell this earlier? It's like a whole market appeared out of nowhere.

This is starting to get really annoying. Why is he asking all these questions? Doesn't he realize that I don't want to talk about my past?

Well, Miss Dawn, you were the one begging for somepony to talk to.

"Sure!" I said. I've never been more excited in my life. Nopony has ever asked me to go to lunch before. I'll make sure not to mess this up.

I'm getting a bit confused about Dawn's character here. But I guess if I want to get it clear, I'm going to have to wait for the next update.

Please be all tsundere.

I predict a shitstorm of dislikes and lots of flame wars.

Oh... is that what you are expecting. I'm so, so, so, so, very much, sorry. But I could go all shitty on you, if you would like. But then again, I would rather not.

Anyways, I've done my job.

2715749
You had me going....
and here I thought I was going to read a lot of interesting comments.....
Nope just your long as hell one + two others.. BTW love your stories.

2715905 There aren't that much to rage here, so... yeah...

Oh, and thanks.

2715749 harsh lives are how i role.

Ender -- is it?

it might be

for those who want to know about Dawn Stone's life (thats her name) i can write a little side story explaining it. basicly, she's an outcast because of her blank flank. expect alot of hate towards this bitch.

2716213 Forgive me if I haven't yet memorized your name.

Enderstorm, Enderstorm, Enderstorm; got it.

2715749

So... Dawn... why go frosted treat, instead of assorted fruits, which, have lots and lots of nutrients and vitamins that is important for a growing mare?

because, pinkie packs her cupcakes full of nutrients. otherwise she would be sick from eating so many.

2716225

because, pinkie packs her cupcakes full of nutrients. otherwise she would be sick from eating so many.

You're wrong. Pinkie doesn't simply get sick from eating too much cupcake. It is simple 'Pinkie Logic'.

2716228 touche

also pico, i know the relationship is a little sudden, but dawn hasnt talked to another pony in a whle in fear that she will get kicked out of ponyville

2716273 Makes sense. Maybe she's just itchin' for some scratchin' from Wind.

I want to see her get her cutie mark while sexing it up.

HOLY CRAP! YOU LIKED THE STORY?

ThaumicSlime, Enderstorm, time to make more chapters

2715483

I'll fix them.

2716391

Oh my.

2715749

Se is an emo pony, Babs is Winds sister, (DUH!) and I am not your master.

Anyway, since you have experience with Clopfics, can you edit our Clopfic chapter? (Maybe 2nd or 3rd.)

2716557

I'll think about it.

Meh its not that bad.... have a

2717407

Thanks! Glad you enjoyed it!

2715749

Never mind about my first question; she really is an emo pone, and Pico Pie confirmed it

While editing, I noticed how unbelievably emo she was. I decided to increase it even more for the lulz.

2716703

Babs is Winds sister, (DUH!) and I am not your master.

O rly?

2717540 You get an internet cookie from me for doing that.

2717841
OMNOMNOMNOMNOM

2717841

Yes.

Not bad, just a few grammatical errors in the beginning.

For example, hydration keep you alive. Dehydration, however, kills you.

Wind i stotally being Gary Stu, but I'm used to that now.

One question though; if Dawn doesn't want to talk about it, why does she start the cutie mark discussion? (She out of the blue asks if he doesn't like her for not having a cutie mark.)

Otherwise, I like Dawn's story, just get an editor or something to fix those mistajes. (I leave Sunday for camps, so don't pick me.)

Good premise, though!

2718386

For example, hydration keep you alive. Dehydration, however, kills you.

That was an error on my part. I apologize.

One question though; if Dawn doesn't want to talk about it, why does she start the cutie mark discussion? (She out of the blue asks if he doesn't like her for not having a cutie mark.)

Wind was the first pony that didn't ask her about her cutie mark. It was a slip of the tongue, caused by surprise and confusion.

Gotcha. Would love to help on this one, just shoot some idea out, but alas, I leave Sunday night, and will spend Saturday and Sunday packing and doing laundry. So I don't have much time.

2716677 YES SIR!

2718386

I already picked ThaumicSlime. He edited the first chapter!

2718386

One question though; if Dawn doesn't want to talk about it, why does she start the cutie mark discussion?

because, she is just curious to see if there is one pony in Equestria who dosen't think she is a freak.

2717540

While editing, I noticed how unbelievably emo she was. I decided to increase it even more for the lulz.

dawn is unamused

2721066
just wait until you meet bleh

Yes, but she didn't want to talk about it at all, so why would she bring it up?

Oh, and TheaterCritic, I didn't want to neccessarily edit it, but I eanted to at least shoot some ideas out, since this is in fact a collab.

2722284

Ooooooooook then.

Guess what? I almost died today!

But, a young Pegasus named WindWaker becomes friends with her and brings hope to her. But little does the red Pegasus know that Dawn has more feelings than he does with her

OK, three things to say.
1.) I was merely reading the description to see if it was female-only.
2.) You forgot the period.
3.) I find that this reminds me of The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker.

So, yeah. Sorry for not reading it...

2721066 But it will increase Dawn's popularity, tenfold.

I dunno I actually rather like this

2723089

2722915 you know the saying,

don't judge a book by it's cover

and you've done just that

>>TheaterCritic
COOL STORY, BRO!

TELL IT AGAIN SOME TIME!

Wicked story can't wait for more chapters :)

2725871

Thanks.

Clopping will be in chapter 3 or 4.

2723830
Wat r u doin; stahp...
i.imgur.com/WJB91cG.png

2730073
:3

2730073

That is why Windy Scamper is an ass.

2730073

I'm sorry! No! Please forgive me! Don't be angry!

Although I do wonder how this makes me a butt...

2730073 thanks. someone needed to teach windy that theres a reply button

Hey, if my story gets featured while I'm offline or doesn't know, just PM me