A soulless stallion
Most of the ponies were asleep, there was little else to do during the seven hour train ride south to the junction point.
The moon was already starting to set, as they passed the formal border into the little subordinate nation of The Protectorate of Ponyville, named after it’s biggest city. Inside of one of the train’s compartments, three stallions sat down and looked out the window at the passing landscape. Farmlands, orchards and vineyards stretched out as far as the eye can see, with only the occasional clump of trees from a once great forest broke the pattern.
One was a middle aged pegasus, or a bat pony when he put his armor on, his coat and feathers were dark blue almost black, his mane and tail golden, both were cut short, with a silver flask on top of a pair of crossed golden swords as a cutie mark. Opposite to him stood two unicorns, one was an earthish brown, with a light purple mane and tail, and a rusty helmet cutie mark. While the other was still a young stallion, only a few years out of the Nightwatch Training Facility, or just the Facility, his coat was a mustard yellow, with a long, light blue mane, and he had a rolled up piece of fabric colored the same his mane for a cutie mark.
“Hey sarge,” the mustard unicorn called out to the one sitting next to him.
“Damn it Silky, stop calling me that!” the brown unicorn snapped at him.
“Sorry,” he instantly apologised. “So Corporal Helm, you have known Sergeant Zeal for a while haven’t you?” he asked referring to the pegasus they shared the compartment with.
“Yeah...” the corporal replied, “Zeal and I go back to our days at the Facility...”
“So what’s with him?” the mustard unicorn asked. “I mean, he seems depressed ever since we took back Snowblush,” he added when the corporal gave him an angry look.
“Oh Silky,” Helm put his hoof on the pony’s shoulder. “You are looking at a pony that’s had his life taken out of him, drain a little bit each day. Then the assault on Snowblush came, followed by the rationing, and all remnants of hope that he still hangs onto, was gone.”
“You mean?!” Silky asked horrified.
“I’m afraid so,” Helm replied.
Silky lowered his head, he could only imagine the pain Sergeant Zeal was going through, and even that was too much for the young pony.
“Two weeks sober,” the caporal added. “Poor thing.”
“What?” Silky jumped out of his seat when he heard what Helm had said. “You mean to tell me that he is like this because of the the rum rations were cut?!”
“Stand down private!” the caporal ordered, Silky compiled, and Helm placed his hoof back on the pony’s shoulder. “Do you know what everypony else calls Zeal?”
“What do you mean?”
“Except for Zeal or sergeant did you hear soldiers call him something else?” the caporal asked.
“I think I heard somepony call him Master once or twice...” Silky replied scratching the back of his head.
“That’s right,” Helm chuckled. “Drunken Zeal, Master of the Empty Bottle, the drunkest pony you will ever see,” he could barely contain his laughter.
“Really?” Silky asked skeptical at Helm’s explanation. “You expect me to believe that the hero of Snowblush is a drunk?”
“Of course not, calling Zeal a drunk is like saying that the princesses sort of look good...”
Silky could not believe what he was hearing.
“Master Zeal is not a drunk! He is The Drunk. Heck I’ve seen him drink a whole room under the table. I don’t think there is a drop of blood left anywhere in his body, why, if you put a tap in him you could get the entire train drunk,” Helm said with a straight face.
“Really? You’re serious?!” Silky asked him, his head slightly tilting to one side.
“I am.”
The compartment’s door slid open and a tall bat pony stood in the doorway. He wore full Nightwatch body armor, making his coat dark blue, mane silver and eyes orange, at least one of them since the other was covered by an eyepatch. He wore a blue cape with a grey crescent moon embroidered onto it.
“First Sergeant!” Silky told Helm as both of them looked at the pony.
“Attention!” the pony ordered.
Both the unicorns stood in attention and saluted, while the pegasus didn’t even bother to turn his head.
“At ease.” The pair dropped their salutes and turned their heads towards their CO.
“Listen up. We are less than an hour away from the junction and High Command has a treat for all of you. Your departure was postponed for a day so you have a full day for R&R,” the first sergeant said as he looked at their expressions, both of them were smiling.
“Also, by royal decree, during that day all establishments designed by N1” Zeal’s ear twitched, “will be opened for any pony member of the Watch or the Guard.”
“Sir,” Zeal spoke grabbing the attention of all three ponies. “How far did you say we were from the town?”
“Less than an hour,” the officer replied.
“Thought so.”
Zeal got up, opened the compartment above his seat, pulled out the bag, and tossed it on his back. Everypony was staring at him. Then he walked over to the window, pulled it down, and jumped out, leaving behind only a thin yellow stripe that followed the train tracks.
The officer left the compartment nursing a migraine, leaving the two unicorns alone.
“So what is an N1 facility?”
“Ah to be young and innocent... A N1 facility is any building that is only allowed to operate at night, like bars and taverns, casinos or...”
“Other establishments! I got it!” Silky said rosy in the cheeks.
Cheering and stomping could be heard from time to time as the news spread through the train.
In the third paragraph, did you mean to imply that the pegasus was from the Middle Ages as it implies right now, or did you mean to put 'a middle aged pegasus'
Aside from that, it looks like it's going to get funny. And I love funny.
Ok, you requested a critique a few days ago, but that thread seems to have died. I'll post it here. Feel free to delete my posts when you don't need them anymore. Or save a copy of them somewhere and delete this copy if you don't want my critique here in the comments section. Whatever you do I won't feel offended. So, here's what I'm going to do. I'll start by reading through your story, and picking out any little inconsistencies or errors as I spot them, tell you what works and what doesn't, that kind of minor stuff. And I'll try to give you a run through of what I was thinking and feeling as I read.
Then I'll give you a final thoughts, and dredge up any larger problem that I think you should know about. I try to be kind and fair, but if there are problems you need to know about, I won't be pulling my punches.
Allons-y!
You didn't open on weather Bonus points!
This sentence fragment does not make sense to me. I think "...as his mane..." is probably an artifact, and should be removed. Unless I'm just not following your logic, which is also a problem, if I didn't get it, it's likely that other readers aren't getting this as well. So, if this is how you want this sentence to read, I suggest changing it into something that is more user-friendly... but it's probably just an artifact, which means you need to be doing a bit more proofreading and editing before you publish.
Proofreaders aren't too hard to find, and the will do you a world of good. I have many of them, and I appreciate them all. As for self editing, I suggest that after you write something, you sleep on it for two days to let the excitement die down, and then read it very slowly, out loud. You would be amazed how many things you can catch by reading out loud. Moving on.
Using bad grammar because it is part of how a character talks is fine. But, I don't know Corporal Helm well enough to know that he would speak this way. I'm hoping you already know this, but the correct way of saying this is he and I. If you are doing this as part of Helm's voice, then this is fine, just keep his grammar missteps consistent. If you did this because you didn't know, or because this is how you speak, then you should probably change it, and make a not of this and try not to do it in the future.
I'm left pretty confused by this, they took her how, captured her? took her down? I'm not sure what you mean by this, and would like a bit more. Now, if you want this to be confusing, or if this is referencing some other story that I haven't read, this is less of a problem. I'm just pointing out that this sentence confused me, and broke me out of the experience.
drained a little bit each day? or are you missing some words here? This sentence also confused me. I'm starting to think this is either a Noodle Incident, or there is a story I'm missing.
going through? If these are all typos/mistakes, then this could be the game breaker. Now, as far as game breakers to, this is a very easy one to fix. Read your stuff out loud, and tweak it accordingly before you post it. I'll power through, but I will say this: I was quite enjoying this story before these started popping out at me, and now I am slogging through it , only because I told you I would critique it. All these little errors destroy the enjoyment of reading.
, Ahhhhhhhhhh, Snowblush is a city, or the location of a battle That makes sense now. Maybe you could clarify that somehow earlier when you first mention it. Confusion it usually a bad thing, and everything you can do to cut it out is appreciated by your readers.
Pffft You got me to laugh, more bonus points.
This sentence confuses me again. There seem to be some words in there that don't need to be there, and some words that aren't there, that need to be there. From now on, I'll just tag these sentences as confusing because I think you get what I'm going for.
End of chapter one. First impression, there is a good fic buried in here somewhere, but your little mistakes are dragging you down. Either kick up your own editing process a few notches, or find a proofreader. Your errors seem to be mostly minor ones, just the occasional odd sentence. I wasn't really paying attention to punctuation, but nothing grabbed my attention, not that I'm the best with punctuation myself; commas still give me a heck of a time. I didn't notice any show vs. tell mistakes, but I would need to go back through and specifically look for them, and this is just a general critique, still, I'm going to guess that you are probably pretty good on that front. Dialogue is fine, world building is fine, general writing style is fine. Now, even if you cleaned this up, I don't think it will get wildly popular, your story deals too much with OCs for that, sorry, that's just how things go. In my experience, the stories that do best on this cite follow a pretty specific format.
Basically, get an editor, and make some minor revisions. I'll keep reading and comment dumping as I go, but this story is looking pretty good from here.