Interlude - Profiles in Ponytude 4 - Flim and Flam
Interview 4 - Flim and Flam
*Begin recording*
Von: Hi, everybody! *Long pause* Huh. I was expecting a “Hi, Doctor Nick!” Well whatevs, I’m back in business here. I know it’s been a while. Today, I have something special here in the interro- I mean “interview”, um... chamber? Room? Does this count as a room? What even is this place? I’d say it’s more of a “void”. It’s kind of blank and white, but it’s not endlessly open either. There’s this, like, “margin” out there on both sides, and color beyond that. Hmmm… *Interviewer trails off *
*Silence*
Oh, right! I’m sorry. I got a little sidetracked there. Yes, the interview. Without further ado-
*BAMF!*
Von: Two ponies at once!
*Subjects speak simultaneously*
Flam: What the deuce!?
Flim: Jumping Jehoshaphat!
Von: Now, calm down, guys. I’ve had more than enough panic in here already.
Flam: What do you make of this, Flim?
Flim: I’m addled, Flam. Alien abduction?
Flam: Distinct possibility.
Flim: Astounding.
Von: Okay, maybe it was a bad idea bringing the two of you in here together.
Flam: My word! It can talk!
Flim: Wonderful! You know what we say…
Both: If it can talk, it can be bought!
Von: Whoa whoa whoa. “It”? Obviously I can talk. I’m a human. You remember what a human is, don’t you? You used to be them.
Both: Obviously.
Flam: What do you think we are? Dullards?
Flim: Dipsticks?
Von: Definitely a mistake. Let’s just get this interview started.
Flim: Interview?
Flam: The devil are you going on about?
Von: I’m your author. I’m writing a story and you’re characters in it. I’m going to ask you a few questions so the readers can get to know you better.
Flam: Methinks we have a loony on our hooves, brother.
Flim: The boy is bananas, brother. Bats in the belfry. A few baseballs short of a ballgame.
Von: That! Right there. That’s why you’re a pain in my ass, Flim. The alliteration. It’s hard to write. Challenging and fun, yes. But annoying to try to do.
*Pause*
Flim: Bonkers.
Von: ANYWAY. Let’s get started, shall we? First question. What were your human names?
Flim: Fred Flanders.
Flam: Fran Flanders. The Flanders twins.
Flim: At your service.
Von: Fucking charmed, I’m sure. And now?
Flam: He’s Flim!
Flim: He’s Flam!
Both: *singing* And we’re the world fam-
Von: NO! None of that! Moving on, date of birth?
Flim: May the 3rd.
Flam: Of 1995, that is.
Von: Okay. Do you know your blood type?
Flim: Before, my blood was B-.
Flam: And mine was A+
Flim: Ha, leave it Fran to one up me and ace every test. Even a blood test!
Flam: Why, naturally!
Flim: Though now, I suppose we’ve synchronized, so to speak.
Flam: And not a pony friendly hospital to be found to test it.
Von: Okay, I lost interest. Let’s move on, shall we? What’s your favorite color?
Flim: Such keen questions. They cut me to the quick. Blue.
Flam: Pink. Next question, if you please.
Von: Oh. Okay, sure. Were the two of you aware of this whole pony thing before you started changing?
Flam: Oh my, yes. We’d heard tell of people transforming into ponies and just said to ourselves…
Flim: “Selves, that just sounds simply splendiforous!” So we pranced down to the Permutation Purveyor.
Flam: The local Conversion Bureau, if you will.
Flim: The People-to-Pony Parlor. We perused some prototypes-
Von: I’m getting the distinct impression you’re being sarcastic with me.
Flim: Picked up on that, did ya?
Flam: Of course we didn’t know anything about this beforehoof! Hand! Beforehand! You see how deep this goes?
Von: I just meant “Had you seen the show?”
Both: Oh.
*Subjects speak simultaneously*
Flim: No.
Flam: Yes.
Von: You had, Flam? Would you call yourself a brony?
Flam: Oh my, no. I would watch it from time to time while I tinkered, yes. It was a fine show, to be sure. And I’ll admit I read a fanfic or two. But I wouldn’t go so far as to label myself a “brony”. And certainly not one of those fanatic yahoos who might waste their time doodling pictures or writing stories of ponies. Ha ha!
Flim: Ha! Those loonies! Get a life, losers! Learn to live a little!
Von: Heh heh. Yeahhhh…. Anyway… Flam, you mentioned tinkering. Is that a hobby? Building models or something?
Flam: Yes and no. And no.
Von: Huh?
Flim: Not the brightest bulb in the bunch, is he, brother?
Flam: That he most assuredly is not. I’ll use small words so your tiny brain-
Flim: Your miniscule mind-
Flam: -can follow along. Yes, it’s a hobby. No, it’s not JUST a hobby. It’s also my line of work. And no, it’s not building models. Are you still with me?
Von: You know I control your fate, right? If I were you, I would tread lightly.
Flam: Yes, yes, we’ve seen Breaking Bad as well.
Flim: Sensational series.
Flam: You’re so menacing.
Flim: See how menaced we are?
Flam: These are our menaced faces.
Von: *Heavy sigh* The things I put up with for art. ANYWAY! Please, just explain your hobby or work or whatever.
Flam: I positively adore machines. Putting them together, taking them apart. It started out as a thing to do in my free time after school, but after all, you know what they say, “Do what you love.” So I invent gizmos and gadgets.
Flim: And I sell them. We’re a dynamic duo! You might call me an advertising agent, a financial officer, and a spokesman, all in one. Flam’s the foundation, and I’m the frontman of Flanders Features.
Von: That’s your company name?
Flam: Indeed it is, my boy! We hold seven different patents.
Von: Anything good?
Flim: Well, you’re a bright boy, I’m sure, so of course you’re already aware of the Kitchen Witch food processor.
Flam: It’s our best seller.
Von: Yeah, I’ve been meaning to ask about the name. Why “Kitchen Witch”?
Flim: It’s a clever almost-rhyme. “Kitch” and “Witch”.
Flam: *mutters quietly* And “Genie” and “Wizard” were already taken.
Von: That’s it? That’s lame.
Flam: Tough crowd, eh brother?
Flim: Brutal, brother.
Von: Anything else?
Flim: The idiot insults our ingenuity with ignorance. It’s iresome.
Flam: Remember who we’re dealing with, Flim.
Flim: Whadda maroon. To answer your question, my querulous quimby-
Von: *Talks over subject* Do you have thesaurus hidden somewhere that I don’t know about? How are you doing this?
Flim: -the Pockepedi, and the Wonder Washer.
Von: Okay, this is going on WAAAY too long. Let’s try to move this clusterfuck along. Flam mentioned his hobby, but what about you, Flim? *Pause* Okay, I don’t like that smile you’re giving me.
Flim: Heh heh. That’s the look I give the ladies. And the ladies like it. And I love the ladies. You might call me a little bit of a lothario.
Von: Wait, so let me get this straight. Your “hobby”... is fucking women?
Flam: Such vulgarity.
Flim: I prefer to leave it at “love the ladies”.
Von: Stop saying “ladies”!
Flim: I really am a romantic at heart.
Von: Okay, that’s enough on that. This needs to be done soon. Next question: Favorite food?
Flam: I’ve always loved a tasty Eggs Benedict. Yessir, no better way to start the day.
Flim: As for me, I do love some pie.
Von: What kind? Apple? Cherry? Chicken pot?
*Silence*
Von: Why are you waggling your eyebrows at me?
*Silence*
Von: OHHHHHH! EWWWWWW! No no no! Oh my god, oh my god, no! How has this devolved so far? How is this my life?
Flim: I believe we’ve broken the boy, brother.
Flam: It’s a shameful display, to be sure.
Von: I need to bleach that image out of my brain. I hate you. SO. MUCH.
Flim: The price of progress.
Von: Segue. Speaking of chemically repressing memories, what’s your preferred drink?
Flim: I-
Von: And I swear to god, if you somehow make this into another cunnilingus joke, I’m dropping your fucking RV over a goddamn cliff in the next chapter.
Flim: I’ll take that under advisement. No joke here. Jack.
Von: Oh. Well. That’s pretty straightforward. Although, I was kind of expecting you to say hard apple cider.
Flim: That, sir, is a salacious stereotype, and I won’t have you sully our sterling surname.
Von: Jesus. Sor-ry. Flam?
Flim: I do enjoying unwinding after a hard day with a glass of merlot and a bubblebath.
Von: I- ah. Huh. That’s an image.
Flim: You’re picturing my brother in the bath, aren’t you?
Von: The image is in my head now.
Flim: Well get it out.
Von: It’s not my fault! He put it out there and it just sort of got in there!
Flim: As Sunny Daze might say, “That’s what she-”
Von: NO! Do NOT go there!
Flam: You know, some might consider it poor manners to interrupt all the time.
Von: I don’t even care. Moving on, it’s music time. I was going to shorten this part anyway, even if this interview weren’t taking forever. So, if you had to pick one song that best represents you, what would it be? I’ll give you a minute to think.
*Silence*
Flim: I’ve singled out my song selection, sir.
Von: *Sigh* Dare I ask?
Flim: “Ramblin’ Man” by the Allman Brothers.
Von: Oh. Hey, wow, actually that’s pretty good.
Flim: How’s that?
Von: Well, it’s just that so far, your friends have all picked things that are way off base. I mean, come on, Gilda, “You’re the Best Around”?
Flam: Hilarious. Mine is “Together Forever” from the Pokemon cartoon.
*Silence*
*Simultaneously*
Von: Seriously?
Flim: Seriously?
Flam: It’s a tad corny, I’ll be the first to admit, but I stand by it.
Von: Okay, sure. Why not? So now I’ve got a pick for you. The song that best describes your characters is “A Satisfied Mind” by Johnny Cash.
Flam: I don’t believe I’ve had the privilege. I’ve always been more appreciative of J-Pop and chiptunes than country. Brother?
Flim: Not a terrible tune.
Flam: Should I be insulted?
Flim: I wouldn’t take a torch or procure a pitchfork just yet. It is, the Man in Black.
Von: Alright, this is winding down, I think. If you could meet any one person, living or dead, who would it be?
Flam: How quaint.
Flim: We’re back to the hard-hitting humdinger questions, I see.
Flam: This is some top journalism here.
Flim: A real-life Lois Lane.
Von: Hardy har har. Answer the question.
Flam: I’d love to meet Nikola Tesla.
Von: Huh, I’d have thought it would be Edison.
Flam: Edison was a pirate, a prick, and a businessman. No offense.
Flam: None taken.
Flam: But Tesla was a real inventor’s inventor. Radio? AC current? The Tesla Coil? Plans for a death ray? Be still my heart!
Von: Um, should I be concerned?
Flim: She gets like this.
Von: What about you?
Flim: I don’t care. It’s an irksome inquiry. Next one.
Von: Everyone else answered it just fine.
Flim: And were their answers just as awful as the question?
Von: Sunny wanted to meet Billy Mays.
Flim: That HACK!?
Von: Wow, touchy subject. If you could have any superpower, what would it be?
Flim: Are we in a job interview?
Flam: Is this a psychological evaluation? Who asks these tedious popcorn questions?
Flim: Pabulum. Pure and simple.
Von: *Sigh* Just answer. A superpower.
Flim: Why would we need one?
Flam: We have magic, you lummox.
Flim: Loser.
Flam: Lout.
Von: *mutters* Why did I bring them in here together? *speaking normally, voice is strained* It’s okay. That’s fiiiine. It’s almost over. Recount for me a favorite childhood memory.
*Pause*
Both: The Noodle Incident!
Von: Um, care to elaborate?
Flim: No, sir.
Flam: We plead the fifth.
Flim: You can’t prove it was us.
Von: Allllright then. Last question. *whispers* Thank god. *speaks normally* Tell me about your first kiss. ...Wait-
Flim: Oh ho hoo! It was-
Von: Oh god, NO! What have I done!? Bail!
*BAMF!*
*Silence*
Flim: Well wonder of wonders. Would you look at that.
Flam: He positively disappeared into thin air. Just vanished.
Flim: Vamoosed.
*Silence*
Flim: Where are we, do you reckon?
Flam: Couldn’t tell you, Flim. It’s delightfully quiet, though. I could get a lot of work done uninterrupted in a room like this.
Flim: I’m doubtful. I don’t think I’d describe it as a “room”.
Flam: A “chamber” then?
Flim: I was thinking it’s more of a “void”.
Flam: Perha-
*BAMF!*
*BAMF!*
Von: Okay, good. I’m back and they’re gone. *Sound of sitting heavily into chair* Oy vey. I swear to god, these fucking ponies are going to give me an ulcer. And somehow, believe it or not, that was actually the one that’s gone the best so far.
*Pause*
Well, luckily for me, that’s the last interview for a while. We’ll get back to this later, when we meet some more ponies. But for now, there aren’t going to be any new ponyfolk in the immediate future, so in place of author/character interviews, the interludes will consist of what you might call “found footage”. Equestrian newspaper articles, excerpts from history texts, that sort of thing. It lets me capitalize on the vast amounts of worldbuilding and character backstories I’ve come up with. So yeah. Until next time, folks.
*Recording ends*
Name: Former: Fred Flanders / Fran Flanders
Current: Flim Flimflam / Flam Flimflam
Coat Color: buttercream
Mane Color: candy cane-like (bright red and white stripes)
Eye Color: kelly green
Cutie Mark: apple slice (Flim) / apple with missing slice (Flam)
Blood Type: A+
Birthday: May 3, 1995 (Flim born twenty minutes earlier)
Occupation: currently unemployed and living on profits from sales of
inventions, namely food processor, “Kitchen Witch”
Brony: no (Flim) / no (Flam)
Favorite Food: Eggs Benedict (Flam) / WE SHALL NEVER SPEAK OF THIS AGAIN (Flim)
Favorite Drink: Jack Daniels (Flim) / Merlot (Flam)
Favorite Color: Blue (Flim) / Pink (Flam)
Songs: Subject’s picks: Flim: Ramblin’ Man (Allman Brothers Band)
Flam: Together Forever (Pikachu's Jukebox)
Author’s pick: A Satisfied Mind (Johnny Cash)
Meet One Person: No answer (Flim) / Nikola Tesla (Flam)
Super Power: No answer
Hobby: "The Ladies" (Flim) / Tinkering, inventing (Flam)
Childhood Memory: “The Noodle Incident”
First Kiss: I don’t know AND I DON’T WANT TO KNOW
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A very entertaining interlude. I also agree with Flam on the subject of Nikola Tesla and Edison.
enjoytherandom.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/tesla_edison_Nikola_Tesla-s610x527-131721-580.jpg
3540749
Ha, that's fantastic.
3550093
Foreshadowing to the revel that a meteor destroyed Equestria and Discord sent them away for their own good? From six months ago? Mua ha ha! I am psychic. I've actually said that though, about not feeling like dodging a meteor.
3639219
Thank you? I guess? If that's a reference to something, I don't catch it. So have this instead:
Do you know if this is going to be the canonical version of Gilda like Chris Barton is the canonical version of Chrysalis, or is Twisted going to keep his presentation of the character too vague to tell like he did for Celestia and Cadence?
3954338
I can't say more.
He has something planned. Oh yes, he does.
Wait, is there another 5s/4 story out there with Gilda?
3955044
Hmm, y'know, looking back through the side fics, I don't see any others with Gilda in them. Although, my immediate question then is whether the presence of Flim and Flam would present a problem, as there are other side fics with those two in them. I understand Twisted's desire not to play favorites, but it can be frustrating.
Anyway, I've been getting really into the Five Score verse lately and have been finding it greatly satisfying to see different stories converge. Having the main story explicitly reference this story would be great (presuming I still like this story when I catch all the way up- I'm not worried about it), but so long as there are no inconsistencies between the two I'll be happy.
3961043
There was a list when the universe was forming of what characters were going in what story and I'd "claimed" Flim and Flam way back then (plus I alluded to them in the story description), but it took me SO goddamn long to actually get them in their that another story popped up in the mean time with them as the main characters. And more power to them for it. Twisted specifically kept them vague (they didn't even appear "on screen" as it were) so as to not make it one way or the other. Not that I'd mind if he'd gone with the others.
And while he may not have read my story (which I promise I'm still working on. I've just been lazy and really involved in video editing lately) meaning he probably won't be referring to specific crap from this (like with the CMC one), he IS going to stick Gilda in there, How could he not? Everyone else has shown up.
3962475
So... you have no idea if your story is even going to be canon compatible?
After your strong implication to the contrary in your initial response, I feel like the rug has just been pulled out from under me.
3964230
It is. I can assure you of that. Gilda will appear. I just meant that I don't think he'll be referring to any of the specific events or anything from my story. But Gilda will make an appearance (Oh yes, and it will be glorious.)
3964243
There was never any doubt that Gilda would show up in the main story, Twisted has stated as much. So long as his Gilda can be reasonably interpreted to be your Gilda, I'll be content.
3964327
Well I can't speak for him and I don't know EXACTLY how it's going to play out, but I know in what capacity she's going to be used and we've messaged each other a couple times in regard to it where I mentioned a detail or suggestion or two. So I'm hopeful it should be satisfactory.
I think as long as she drops an F-bomb, it ought to be fine.
3966982
Which picture are you referring to specifically?
And yeah, I think she's pretty cute. I was going for "adorkable" all around with her. I feel it plays well off of Gilda's toughguy nature.
3968370
The one where they're sitting in the rain on the side of the road.
3968441 Ah yes. That one is, like, my favorite thing ever. So much Totoro. Very Miyazaki. Wow.
Was that line suppose to be delivered by Flim? Flam had three lines in a row, and it makes more sense for Flim, the business person of the two, to say this.
3970014
It's not so much that she doesn't believe in her precognitive magic. It's that it manifests in her dreams when she's not actually controlling it. She can't flip it on when she's awake. So she's trying the bullshit tarot cards to try to get a read when she's in control. (And maybe it's not quite so bullshit after all. Maybe each of those cards has a specific meaning?)
Also, yes, that Flam thing was an error. Thanks for catching it. It has been corrected.
3975485
With a heart of gold. He's a member of the Golden Grain family after all. He's just the black sheep (not least of all because he's a pegasus). He's just naturally a goof and a fool.
The Noodle Incident? I see the Calvin And Hobbes reference.