Ch. 08: Looking For Group
Good Griff!
Part 1 – Interesting Times
Chapter 8 – Looking For Group
(In Which They’re Coming Out Of The Woodwork And Bros Come Before Hoes)
Bored. Bored bored bored. Bored bored bored bored boredboredbored.
I’m boooooored. And hot. There’s nothing to fucking do in this lousy fucking tent. And it’s so damn muggy.
After Bones fell asleep, I caught a couple Zs myself. Not a lot; just a short catnap. After that, I went out and flew around for a little bit to clear my head. I had to leave the privacy of the trees to get enough space though. I’d only been up there for a few minutes, gliding around in lazy circles, when I heard Sunny shouting up at me. I looked down and spotted him by the tree line frantically jumping around, waving up at me. I wondered why if he wanted to talk to me so bad, he didn’t just come up.
So I went down to him. I wanted to dive-bomb him and give him a little scare, but he was right in front of the trees and I wasn’t sure I could do it and avoid smashing my brains all over the place. I wanted to clear my mind, but not like that. Ha, I’m goddamn hilarious. When I landed, he clamped his teeth onto my tail and tried to drag me back into the woods. I humored him.
When we were back under cover he chewed me out for flying around in broad daylight and so close to where we were already seen. I hate to admit that he was right. So I didn’t. I just pretended to brush him off.
He also told me I didn’t want to be outside when it started to rain. The sky was completely clear, so I just thought he was crazy. I told him so too. There was a weird thing about an hour after that, though. It’s hard to describe, but ever since I finished changing, it’s been like I can sort of feel/taste the air around me. The weird thing that happened was that I actually sensed it change. But it happened slow enough that I didn’t even really notice it happening. Like, at first the air was Cool Ranch and then an hour later it was Nacho Cheese. And after that it started to get really hot and humid.
Now Sunny’s being all paranoid about being seen. I mean, after this morning, he’s probably right, but I’ll never admit it to his face. So we’ve been stuck in this stupid friggin’ tent for hours. And there’s nothing to do. I wanted to use Bones’ computer again, but when I opened it I realized I didn’t know her password. It’s guess it doesn’t matter, though, since the battery wouldn’t last very long and there’s no wifi out here.
So now we’re stuck together with nothing to entertain us. I realized that in all the excitement, I never really got a good look at Sunny. First it was dark and he was moving around, then I was excited about flying, then we had all that… yeah… this morning.
That’s why I checked him out. Yeah, I did. Big fucking deal. Wanna fight about it? He’s not bad looking, I guess. But then again, I’m not really the best judge of attractiveness for guys. Or ponies. Or guy ponies. His hair is bright orange. Does that make him a ginger? Can ponies be gingers? And he’s… yellow. Like a fucking school bus. Put it together, he’s a school bus on fire.
His cutie mark is kind of lame. It’s a really mellowed-out sun. His wings look good, though. Nice and big. Is that something that’s attractive to ponies? Or to griffons? Do ponies and griffons even, um, get together? Why am I thinking about this? This is weird, right? Besides, aren’t him and Bones are already getting all kissyface? Am I jealous? Naaah, why would I be? This line of thought is getting really awkw- Oh shit, he’s looking at me! Abort, abort! Look away!
Ahem. Yeah. So anyway, after I tried the computer, Sunny and I tried talking for a while to fill the time. He told me about his… “job”. He spent his days fine tuning fertilizer mixtures and types of UV lamps and shit like that to grow the best pot. Then, when he realized he was turning into a full pony, he figured the guy he grows it for would try to take advantage of him, so he threw some stuff in a bag and ran. He described some of the tight spots he got into when he was trying to walk up the state.
I told him more about myself and how unbelievably awesome I am. Then I told him a little about Bones and how we’re roommates. When he found out she’s a librarian in New York, he asked if she’d ever seen any ghosts. I laughed and told him not to ask her that. When we met, I asked Steve the same thing.
“Jesus H. Christ!” he had ranted, “People hear ‘library’ and ‘New York’ and the only thing they can think of is the main branch with the lions out front from Ghost Busters! There couldn’t POSSIBLY be more than one library in the city!” I still tease him- her- about the ghosts.
So then I told Sunny more about how great I am. And then we ran out of shit to talk about and now we’re both super fucking bored. And hot. After how… eventful this morning was, I kinda wanted some peace and quiet, but this is fuggin’ ridiculous. You know what they say; “When it rains, it pours.”
“The scale is set. Gemini rides a shooting star. A lone star,” mumbles Bones. Oh yeah, and Bones is talking in her sleep. Every so often she just mumbles random gibberish. Some of it’s really weird stuff too.
“That’s starting to creep me out a little bit, man,” says Sunny.
“What is?” I ask.
“Her.” He points at Bones. “Lazy Bones. That stuff she’s saying.”
I just shrug.
Sunny continues, "I guess we know where her name comes from. Look at her. Sleepin' in the middle of a summer afternoon."
"It's only May. It's not really summer yet,” I correct him.
Sunny roll his eyes. "Close enough. You'd never know from the feel of it,” he says in exasperation. He lolls his tongue out and tries to fan himself with his hoof. “It's hot as balls out here. How can she sleep?"
Just then, Bones’ eyes shoot open and she quickly sits up. She just sits there, staring straight ahead.
“Uh, morning,” I greet her.
"The wind... it is blowing,” she says in a dreamy voice. She sounds the same as when she was talking in her sleep.
"No, it isn't, Bones. There's not even a breeze,” I tell her, confused. Her eyes are looking straight ahead, but they’re kinda of blank and she’s not seeing anything. I wave a hand in front of her face, but she doesn’t even blink.
"The wind is fierce and strong. It roars and rages. The wind is gentle and sweet. It gathers the fallen seeds and blows toward fertile soil,” she continues.
"She's lost it,” Sunny says nervously.
Bones keeps rambling, "I have scattered the seeds of the future. Time is but a window. Death is but a door. You'll only have sweet dreams now."
Then the light comes on in Bones’ eyes and she takes a sharp intake of breath. She scurries backwards up against the wall of the tent and curls up into a ball. She looks around wildly, whipping her head back and forth, her face a picture of terror.
Sunny backs up against the opposite wall. “The fuck, man? The fuck!?” he gasps.
“What!? How!? Wh-what!?” Bones whimpers.
“Hey… easy…” I say and hold out my hands, trying to calm them both down.
“The fuck’s wrong with her? She’s freakin’ me out!” Sunny yells.
“He- What- They- But- I- How-” Bones sputters.
“BOTH OF YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP!” I roar.
They turn and look at me. Sunny’s eyes are wide and he’s breathing hard. Bones focuses on me, finally really seeing me for the first time. “Gilda?” she asks in confusion.
“No, it’s that other griffon you know,” I say sarcastically and roll my eyes.
“How… how are we here?” she asks in bewilderment.
“What do you mean?” I ask back. I can’t help but feel like I’m missing something. “We set up the tent, then we talked for a while and you fell asleep in the middle of a conversation. That’s it,” I tell her.
“Yeah, but that was a while ago. Then… How did we get back here? Where are…” she trails off.
Yeah, there’s definitely some kind of major disconnect here. We’re on two whole different levels with a piece missing from the middle. She probably just had a bad dream and is taking it too seriously.
“It was NOT ‘just a bad dream’!” Bones protests. Oy, I really gotta watch that thinking out loud thing.
“Hey, it’s cool, dude,” Sunny cuts in, “Everypony has bad dreams sometimes.” Ugh. Did he really just say “everypony”? “I had a super bad one a couple days ago and I almost wet the bed. Well, the tree,” he admits. “I bet even Gilda has ‘em? Right, Gilda?” he prompts me.
I almost deny it. I can’t have goofy little shits like him thinking I’m a pansy who gets scared by dreams. But then I think back to the dream I had last night about Discord and Cloudsdale and I have to admit, it was pretty brutal. It was enough that it could get to even the toughest, awesomest badass out there. I mean, that’s me, and I’m still pretty shaken up about it, so it must be true.
“Yeah, even me. I had a real bad dream last night,” I tell Bones in a calming voice. “It was about that Discord guy. He-”
“Yours too?” Sunny interrupts. “That’s weird. In mine, I was with these ponies. Amber Waves, Golden Sun, Wheat Chaff, Golden Harvest, Sun Catcher. I think there were some others, but I didn’t catch their names. I guess they were my family. At least in the dream. We were working our farm outside Ponyville. Me and Catcher were in the rye field, making some clouds, when there was this big flash in town. Then a lot of ponies were running away from town and coming to our farm, and then Discord came and attacked us.”
That IS weird. “In mine, he attacked Cloudsdale. He killed a lot of ponies. And then he zapped me,” I say and shudder at the memory.
“Well, he wasn’t in mine,” Bones tells us. “It wasn’t just a dream. It was so real. And you were there. And you were.” She points at both of us in turn. “But there were more. It was real.”
“Hey, it’s alright, Bones. My nightmare was really getting to me this morning too. Just take your mind off it and don’t let it bother you,” I repeat.
Bones close her eyes. She brings her hooves slowly up toward her mouth while breathing in through her nose. “Infinite patience,” she chants, then blows the air out while moving her hooves outward too. She does this four more times.
“Yeah, you guys are probably right,” she admits with a shrug. She changes subjects, “So what are you two up to?”
“Not much. We’re bored as shit. Agent Mulder over here won’t let me leave the tent,” I roll my eyes and gesture at Sunny.
“Hey, better safe than sorry I always say,” Sunny argues.
“Did you…” Bones asks in amusement, “Did you just make a pop culture reference?”
“Yeah?” I shrug.
“Then you are learning well, grasshopper,” she giggles. Sunny and I share a look. Bones sure calmed down quick. I guess her deep breathing shit works.
“What time is it?” she asks out of nowhere.
I dig my phone out of my bag and turn it on. I check the time, but also see I have a couple of missed messages. I’ll check those later.
“3:00-ish,” I inform Bones.
“Really? That late?” she asks in amazement.
“Yeah, you’ve been asleep all day,” I confirm.
“Jesus. I’ve slept, what, like fifteen of the last seventeen hours. What is wrong with me?” Bones wonders aloud.
“I don’t know. I’ve needed a lot less sleep. Maybe it’s just the way these weird bodies are,” I offer.
“Sppthhtthhpthhthh!” Sunny blows a raspberry. “I’m bored. You guys are boring me. And why are you always taking note of what time it is? You know what you should do? Start bickering more. You’re funny when you bicker. You’re like an old married couple. Oo! Or start kissing. Lesbians are hot!” he chuckles with a dirty grin.
I’m gonna kill him. I’m gonna fucking kill the little shit. He’s a dea- Wait. He wants us to… I thought he and Bones were already…
“Sh-shut up!” Bones sputters. The inside of her ears are the only place her fur is thin enough to see her blush, but I can see they’re bright red. She punches Sunny in the chest, knocking him over, and she falls on top of him.
“Oh baby baby! Threesome!” he cries in delight.
She scampers off of him, her ears practically glowing red. “EW! NO!” she squeals.
I’m actually kind of offended. She didn’t have to sound that grossed out at the thought of being with me. “Wow, am I really THAT disgusting, Bones?” I ask her, only half teasing.
“Erk! No! I didn’t mean it like- Oh jesus,” she backpedals and sinks her face into her hooves. Sunny is giggling away like a drunk hyena. Somehow I think he’s gotten exactly what he wants. “GAMES!” Bones shouts suddenly and very loudly.
Sunny and I look at each other, then Bones. “…Games?” we both ask.
“Bored! You said you were. I brought games! We play now them… now… games…” she rambles, her eyes darting back and forth. Smoooooth.
“Why do you have games?” I wonder.
“In case we got bored sitting around in the woods,” she explains like it’s so obvious, “I told you I was I prepared.”
“What do you got?” Sunny asks.
“I have Cards Against Humanity and Settlers of Catan in the car,” Bones answers. “Which do you prefer?”
I don’t know either of them, so I just shrug and shake my head.
“Aw man, LB, you’re the best! You’re gonna love Cards against Humanity, Gilda,” Sunny tells me.
“Actually, why don’t I bring both?” Bones asks, “We can’t leave until sunset, so we have some time to kill.” With that, she dashes out of the tent toward the car, cheering, “THE SHEEP MUST FLOW!”
»~»~»~»~»~»~»~»~»~»~»~»~»~»~»
“FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUCKFUCK! LOUSY GODDAMN FUCKING TIRE!” Bones screams and bucks the flat tire in question.
We left about eight and drove for about two hours. While we drove we heard news on the radio about people reporting a huge animal flying around the local countryside causing a disturbance, and people were advised to keep their pets inside. I almost drove off the road when I heard that. We’re zero for two on the whole “staying hidden” thing. Sunny had joked, “Hey, you hear that? You’re famous.”
We were almost to Sunny’s sister’s place when the tire blew out. Sooo close. Luckily, or unluckily if you wanna look at it like that, we’re away from any towns and back out in the damn woods again.
While Bones is raging, I get that weird sensation again where the flavor/feel of the air changes, except this time it’s really sudden. One second it was “melon heated up in the microwave” and now it’s “room temperature glass of blue raspberry Kool-Aid”.
“Fuck fucking fuck!” Bones continues screeching, “How can so much bad shit keep happening to us!? This day could not possibly get ANY WORSE!”
That’s when the wind kicks up and the rain starts. Of course. Oh I’m sorry, I meant “downpour”.
Sunny turns to me and smirks. “Told ya.”
I furrow my eyebrows and ask, “You thought I was going to be flying around this long?”
“So I was off a few hours. Gimme a break. I’m new at this,” he rolls his eyes.
“A few? It was this morning.”
While we’re arguing, Bones falls back onto her haunches and slowly looks up at the sky, her mane plastered to her face. She breathes in and out and whispers one “infinite patience”. She wipes her hair out of her eyes and whispers one more quiet, “fuck”.
Then she turns to us with a defeated smile. “Welp, it’s confirmed. The universe officially hates us.”
“So you guys can fix this, right?” Sunny asks.
“You’re going to make the two ladies do it? Chivalry is truly dead,” Bones jokes. Then she starts toward the trunk. “Let me find the jack.”
She digs around to the bottom of all of our crap and pulls out the emergency kit. She plonks it down on the ground in front of us and looks to me. Since I’m the only one with fingers, it’s up to me to open the case and then change the tire. I open it and we peer inside.
“Um… where’s the rest of it?” Bones asks.
Uh oh.
“The main part of the jack itself is here, but the handle is one of those collapsible jobs that also works as the tire iron,” Bones tells us, “It’s not here.”
“Uh, that’s not good. Heh heh,” I mutter nervously.
“Gil…?”
“I don’t know anything about it!” I exclaim.
“Gilda.”
“Alright! I took it!” I confess.
“Gilda!” Bones yells, “Frickin’ why?”
“Those punks who live below us kept being really loud at night, so I told them if they didn’t cut it out, I’d come after them with a tire iron. They didn’t believe me,” I explain. Hey, I called their bluff. It seems like a perfectly good reason to me.
“So where is it now?” Sunny asks.
“I don’t… know? But it’s okay. I replaced it with with one of those four ended ones. See?” I point to the new one in the case.
Bones sits there, rubbing her hooves on her forehead in little circles.
“Dude, you’re an idiot,” Sunny says, shaking his head.
“Hey, fuck you too, buddy,” I snap at him. “What’s the problem?” I ask Bones.
She answers, “The old tire iron was the kind that’s also the crank for the jack. Without it, we can’t lift the car.”
Ohhhhhhh.
“Sorry?”
Bones starts her mantra. She brings her hooves upward, takes a deep breath, and
“FUUUUUCK!” She stomps her hoof down into a puddle, splashing us all, then storms back over to the tire and starts punching it with her front hooves. “FUCK! THIS! FUCKING! CAR!” she screams and clenches her eyes tight, “FUCK! THIS! FUCKING! TRIP! FUCK! THIS! WHOLE! FUC-”
Just then, the hubcap comes flying off, glowing green. I dive out of the way to avoid getting hit. Turns out it wasn’t necessary. If it had kept going the direction it was when it came off the tire, the hubcap would have hit right where I was standing. Except that as soon as it came off, it stopped moving. It’s just floating in midair in a sparkly cloud of yellow-green.
Sunny’s mouth and eyes are both wide open. “Duuuude.”
Bones is looking around, trying to figure out what happened. “What was that!?” Her horn is glowing the same green as the hubcap, but she doesn’t seem to notice.
“Ummm… Bones?”
“What!?” she snaps as she wheels on me. I point upward and she follows my gaze. First she sees the glow coming from her horn and her eyes open wide. Then she sees the hubcap and all the color leaves her face, the glow cuts out, and the thing clatters to the ground. It spins around in circles before finally coming to a stop, and we all just stare at it.
“Duuuuude.”
So yeah, Bones can do magic. That’s a thing that happened today. I know she’s touchy on the subject, so I look to her with worry. She’s still staring at the hubcap with the same horrified/disgusted expression you’d see on someone who’s just seen a ghost... having sex... with their parents… and a dolphin. So pretty horrified.
Sunny’s looking at Bones too, but he looks like he’s just seen the second coming. Well, the second coming of Floyd maybe. “Wooo! Do it again!” he calls.
I’m just about to go to Bones to, I don’t know, comfort her or something to keep her from flipping her shit again, when she cocks her head to the side and starts laughing. It starts low, barely more than a whisper. Then it becomes a giggle, and then a chuckle, and finally a full-on gonna-die-because-I-can’t-breath belly laugh. It’s kinda fuckin’ creepy.
“I think Bones broke,” Sunny says, eyeing her nervously.
I approach her slowly, carefully. “Heeey theeere. Y’alright there, crazypants?”
She abruptly stops laughing. She turns to me, her left eye twitching. “Nope!” she shouts cheerily, “But watch this!”
She braces her legs and focuses on the hubcap, squinting at it with all her might. Her jaw is set and she’s glaring at it so hard her whole head is actually shaking.
Nothing happens. She relaxes.
“You-”
She tries again, even harder this time. Her whole body is shaking and she’s making obscene grunting sounds. If I didn’t know what was going on, I’d think she was taking the most violent dump ever. Of all time. Then, there’s a spark. It was so quick and faint, I’m barely sure it even happened, but then another yellow-green spark shoots from her horn.
Then nothing. There are no more sparks and nothing moves. I must have tensed up myself because I feel my muscles relax and go all loosy goosey. Sunny’s legs collapse out from under him and he falls on his face. Suddenly, the hubcap, covered in green mist, shoots off the ground, through the air right over Sunny’s head, and embeds itself a good four inches into a tree trunk by the side of the road.
“HOLY SHIT!” Sunny and I both cry at the same time. If he hadn’t fallen over, that thing would have taken his head off.
Bones starts laughing again. Her horn lights up green at the same time as the hubcap and with some visible effort, she yanks it out of the tree. Then, it goes flying around over our heads, zooming around in loops and figure eights. The whole time, Bones is cackling like a madwoman, “Ah ha ha ha haaaa! Look upon me, mortals, and despair! Pick a god and pray, for nothing can save you from me! I am all powerful! All you knew is at an end! I am your god now!”
I have to correct what I said earlier. Bones can do magic AND she’s gone mad with power. Now I’ve got to find a way to put a sleeper hold on a crazy, magic horse. There’s something from the list of things I thought I’d never say.
“Wooo! Do a flip!” cheers Sunny. He’s sitting on his rump clapping his hooves and cheering for “the Great and Powerful LB”. Bones even calls herself the same thing and takes a bow. Okay, rain check on the sleeper hold.
After a minute or two of this, she stops and puts the hubcap down. “Boo! Don’t stop! Encore!” calls Sunny, “Oo! Oo! Pick me up! Make me fly!” Um, he knows he can already fly, right?
“Soooo…” I start, trying to find the right words, “Y’alright? After this morning, I thought you’d be more, I don’t know, pissed off about this whole, you know, magic thing.”
“I don’t even care. I give up!” Bones says with a giggle, “Every time I think things can’t possibly get any crazier, they do. So I’ma just call it a wash. Pull an Arthur and just go with it. Reality is completely and totally fucked. Either that, or this is another incredibly realistic dream. Actually, I’m leaning toward the latter. Either way, there’s nothing I can do about it. And besides,” she flashes her horn, “this just feels too good to give a shit,” she finishes, still with a cheerful smile that doesn’t match what she’s saying.
“Wellll… okay,” I say, unsure. She thinks she’s dreaming. That can’t be healthy. Well, since she doesn’t care, I may as well go for it. “I know you think you must be dreaming, but I just have that effect on people. Let me pinch you and prove it, then, baby, I’ll make your dreams come true,” I purr, wiggling my eyebrows. Bones blushes and giggles.
Sunny clears his throat. “You know, we’re still stuck in the rain with a flat tire and no jack.”
“Yep!” Bones chirps.
“Yeah, the hubcap’s off, the lugnuts are exposed, and we have a tire iron. But we really can’t take them off, much less the tire, without lifting the car,” I remind them.
“LB can lift the car!” Sunny suggests.
“Ha ha! How about no?” Bones laughs.
“So what are we going to do?” I ask.
“We could walk,” offers Sunny. “We’re only, like, maybe ten miles from my sister’s. We could be there in a couple hours.”
“What, out in the open where anyone can see us?” I argue.
“Oh yeah,” he squeaks.
“I have a better idea!” announces Bones. She clops over to the car and magics the passenger door open. Then she magics the glove compartment open and yanks out something red and something grey before trotting over to Sunny. The red thing is an umbrella, which she opens up to shield them from the rain. The grey one is her cell phone, which she gives to Sunny. “Call your sister. Have her bring a jack.”
Oh. Why didn’t I think of that?
“Why didn’t I think of that?” Sunny echoes what I’m thinking. He takes the phone in his teeth, and then stands there looking confused. “Uh, how a’ I gonna ‘o dis?”
“Oh. Right,” Bones says, embarrassed. “Here, allow me.” She uses her magic to take the phone back. She asks him for his sister’s number, then magically dials it for him and holds it up to his ear. Damn, that shits handy. It’s almost better than actual hands.
I guess Sunny’s sister was home because he starts talking, “Hey, Beth. …It’s me. …No. Me. ...Your brother. …Yes, Davey! You have another brother I don’t know about? ...I know I sound weird, but it- ...No! ...Yes, I’m sure! ...Hey, I’m calling to ask you a favor. ...Yeah, me and a couple friends are coming up to visit you.”
I can hear a voice yelling over the phone and Sunny leans his head away from it. He continues talking, “Whoa hey hey hey, Beth. It’s cool! ...Yeah, I know. ...It’s an emergency is why. ...You won’t believe me. ...No, you won’t. Not over the phone. ...Trust me, it’s a real emergency. We’re coming up to visit for a little while. ...No, we’re not in trouble. ...YES! ...They’re cool. It’s not a problem and no one’s in trouble. ...Like, ten miles. ...Well, I’m SORRY! ...Hey! Mom never said that. …Then you’re really gonna hate this. We have a flat tire and no jack. Could you come and bring us one?”
The phone starts screaming again. Sunny leans away and this time, Bones even moves it further from his ear. I can make out the words, “-kidding me! Do you have any idea what time it is?”
Sunny leans back in and tries to calm his sister down, “Yeah. ‘S why we need you. You want us to walk ten miles in the dark and the rain? ...Oh come on! ……Alriiight! You’re the best big sister ever! ...Yeah, ‘and the most beautiful and kind’,” he says with an eyeroll, “Um, lemme check.”
Sunny looks at Bones. “Where are we?”
Bones racks her brain before answering, “Ethan Allen Highway.”
Sunny repeats the answer into the phone. He listens, then asks Bones, “Where on Ethan Allen Highway?”
Bones thinks about it. “Um, I think the last town we passed was ‘Charlotte’.”
“Charlotte,” he repeats and listens. “We’ll be the ponies by the ugly baby blue Volkswagen.”
“Hey!” protests Bones.
Sunny sticks his tongue out at her and tells his sister, “You’ll know what it means when you get here.” He waits and listens. “Thanks, sis! You’re the best! …Yeah, love you too. See you soon.” With that, he nods at Bones. She hangs up the phone and floats it back into the car. “My sister said she’ll be here in half an hour,” he reports.
Well, we’ve got help coming, but now we just have to wait for it. We stand around looking at each other awkwardly, Bones and Sunny under the umbrella, and me still getting rained on. Hmm. I get an idea to at least try to keep the rain off my head. I pick up the hubcap and balance it on top of my head like a wide-brimmed hat. Whatever works, I guess.
Thirty seconds down, thirty more minutes to go. “Soooooo… How ‘bout them Yankees?” I offer.
“I don’t follow sports,” says Bones.
“Me neither,” agrees Sunny. Oy. This is gonna be a long half hour.
We spend the next twenty minutes or so standing by the side of the road, mostly waiting in awkward, miserable silence. It’s been a fucked up day and I think it’s getting to all of us. Cars keep passing by and we have to retreat into the brush off the side of the road to hide. We argued about sitting in the car where it’s dry, but we decided we didn’t want to risk being seen by any good samaritans who might stop to help out.
Again, I see headlights coming. “Another car!” I call out and we rush back into the wet, prickly bushes. It turns out we made the right decision because as the car gets close, it slows down, pulls over to the side of the road, and comes to a stop right behind our car. Turns out it’s not a car, but a big, fat RV.
“It’s a Winnebago,” Bones whispers. She narrows her eyes. “Wait a minute. This seems awfully familiar. ...Noooo. It couldn’t be,” she says, sounding like she’s trying to convince herself of something.
“What’s up?” asks Sunny. Bones shushes him, still watching the RV carefully.
Nothing happens for a minute or so. Then the door cracks open and something peeks out. “What’s the word, o’ brother of mine?” I hear a voice ask from inside, all smooth and deep, with a bit of music in his words. He sounds like a carnival barker.
The thing peeking out the door answers in the same voice, just slightly higher, “I’d call the coast completely clear, brother.”
“Nooooo…” Bones breathes.
The door swings open and out steps a tall, lanky cream-colored pony with a wavy red and white mane wearing a blue dress shirt. The three of us gasp.
The new guy’s horn lights up and a dome of green magic forms over his head, both giving him light and protecting him from the rain. He walks up to our car and looks inside. “Hmm, in my expert estimation, someone appears to have abandoned this automobile post haste. It’s positively packed with provisions!” he calls back to the RV, where another pony has appeared in the door. This one looks identical except he has a red mustache and a pink shirt. He steps out of the RV and over to the first one.
“Fuck me, it’s Flim and Flam,” Bones mutters in disbelief.
“Who?” I ask.
Before she can answer, Sunny let’s out a whoop and shoots into the air. “Shhhhut up!” I hiss at him, but all that’s left where he was is a dust cloud. He’s already on top of the two new ponies, who are surprised at the intruder.
“Leaping lizards!” “Great Caesar's ghost!” they cry at the same time, as Sunny dances in the air around their heads, rambling about how big a fan he is.
I slap my forehead and let out an annoyed sigh. Bones does the same, only it looks like it hurt more. Silly bitch forgot her hooves. “Well, now I know I’m dreaming,” she says, rubbing her head. “That’s Flim and Flam. Like Gilda, they were minor antagonists in a couple episodes of the show. First, they- Wait, why am I telling you this again? I already had this dream this afternoon. I’m not explaining it to a dream Gilda again.” With that she stands up and trots out of the bushes toward the pair, who are now trying to swat Sunny out of the air.
“How am I the not-crazy one here?” I ask no one and follow her. Seriously. How? Normally, I’m the weirdest person in a room. But I guess that’s what happens when I’ve got Sleeping Beauty who thinks I’m a figment of her imagination, and the amazing Super Idiot who’s more ADD than a squirrel on crack.
Let’s just get this over with. I join the group of ponies under their green magic dome, where Sunny has finally landed and Bones is introducing us. “Sup,” I nod at them.
They look up at me with big toothy grins. “Ah, Gilda, my good griffon! Greetings!” the one without the mustache says. “This mesmerizing mare was just mentioning your monikers. And as you well know,” he gestures to the other one, who points back at the first and announces, “He’s Flim.”
“He’s Flam,” the first one quickly adds.
“And we’re the world famous Flim Flam brrotherrrrs!” they sing together.
What.
I can’t even- Did they practice that shit? When did I step into a musical?
Sunny applauds the two, “Wooo! Do the whole thing!”
“Perhaps later,” Flam waves him off.
“When we see some cash,” Flim adds. “If you’ve got something they want, never give it away for free.”
I’m still wearing my serious face so they know I’m not amused. “So I guess you two are from the show too?”
“You wound me, madam!” Flam exclaims, putting a hoof over his heart.
“Guess the girl’s not a fan, Flam,” Flim says.
These two are giving me a headache. I politely tell them so. “Alright, cut the carny shit! You’re pissing me off. Someone give me a goddamn straight answer. Who the hell are these two and why should I give a single fuck?”
Sunny looks mortified that I’m yelling at his new heroes and Bones looks confused. She mutters something along the lines of “...didn’t happen last time…”
Frick and Frack or whoever they are at least look like they’re embarrassed. The mustached one in pink scratches the back of his head. “Ah, we apologize wholeheartedly. I’m sure you’re aware of how overwhelming this mental bamboozle can be.”
“Indeed. Kindly accept our amicable apology,” offers the one in the blue shirt.
I’m pretty much beyond caring at this point. I just want to get past this shit and get it over with. “Yeah yeah yeah, whatever,” I reply. “So you’re… Flam,” I point to the mustached one, “and… Flim?” I point to the other.
“The Flim Flam brothers at your service!” they cheer. Sunny applauds. I scowl.
“Sorry,” apologises Flim, “Couldn’t help ourselves. You set us up perfectly.” He clears his throat. “In point of fact, I’m Flim Flim Flam, formerly Fred Flanders, the fantastically fine faceman of our fellowship fraternus. And this fair fellow is Flam Flim Flam, formerly Fran Flanders, our fabulous fixture fixer. Follow?
“For fuck’s fake. I mean sake!” I swear.
“Your name is Fran?” asks Sunny.
If it were possible, I think Flam would sink right into the ground if he could. “Indeed,” he reluctantly admits. “A mere week prior, I was of the female persuasion. Now I find myself on the opposite side of the gender divide,” he says, frowning, his mustache drooping toward his mouth. “Gah! Confounded thing!” he shouts, spitting out a few stray hairs. “And now I’ve unsettled you with my peculiarity.”
“Eh, not really,” I reassure him. “Bones here switched teams too.”
The brothers look at Bones. “You don’t appear terribly broken up about it,” Flam observes.
Bones just shrugs.
“You gotta excuse her. She thinks none of this is real. She says she dreamt this whole meeting this afternoon and now she’s dreaming it again,” I explain, shaking my head.
Bones rolls her eyes. “Whatevs. I can’t believe my own dream is being passive aggressive against me. That and the rain and the flat tire. Worst dream ever. Of all time.”
“Flat tire, you say? Why, we can fix that for ya, can’t we Flam?”
“In a jiffy, Flim!” With that, Flam trots back into their Winnebago, then returns levitating a jack and a tire iron with him. “Allow the mistress to show you how it’s done!” he announces and sets to work. Sunny dashes over to help.
That leaves me, Bones, and Flim under his magical dome of dryness. He eyes up Bones in a way I don’t like. “So, my fine filly, it’s the old delusional dream drama, is it? Why, I’d hate to simply be a figment of your imagination. I’m too devilishly dashing,” he says with a winning smile. I swear, I can almost see his teeth sparkling.
“Sure you are,” Bones says sarcastically.
“You do know the way to disprove a dream, don’tcha?” he asks.
Bones humors him with a not-at-all convincing smile. “Of course. I’ve read that old story a thousand times.” Then she begins to lecture, “Have someone teach you something you don’t know. You can’t dream something you don’t know. Or you can test it by looking at numbers or words, looking away, then looking back. If they change, it’s a dream.”
“Well there you have it! Do you, if I may ask, know any French, my dear?” questions Flim.
“No. And I suppose you’re going to teach me?” Bones asks skeptically.
“Mais oui, ma petit chou-fleur,” Flim answers. He levitates a notepad and a pencil out of his shirt pocket and flips to a blank page. The pencil dances in the air across the page on its own. He holds it out for Bones to read.
When she’s done, I grab the notepad out of the air. It reads, “Avez fait mal quand tu es tombé? Le ciel doit être manquante un ange.” Huh, why did I even bother? I know I don’t know French.
I hold out the notepad and Bones takes it in her magic. She reads it a second time and furrows her brow. She looks away for a few seconds, then reads it a third time. Her eyes go wide. “Hot sandwich! This is real!”
“Yeah, it’s too bad no one’s been telling you that for half an hour,” I deadpan.
Just then, I catch sight of headlights coming up the road out of the corner of my eye. “Car!” I warn. Flam and Sunny have the Passat up on the jack and the lugnuts off, but they don’t even have the flat off yet, much less a new tire. “Everyone into the bushes!” I order.
We all rush into the underbrush and crouch down. Flim keeps his shield up to keep us dry, but he pulls it down low right over our heads so it’ll hopefully stay out of sight. We watch as the car slows down and pulls over on the other side of the road. A BMW. Nice. The driver side door opens and an umbrella pops out, followed by a tall, red-headed woman with fair skin. “Oh riiiight...” Sunny chuckles.
The woman’s carrying a jack. She looks around and inspects our car. “Dave?” she calls out, “Are you here?”
Oh yeah. It’s Sunny’s sister. She was coming to bring us a jack. Christ, talk about lousy timing. This is gonna be an awkward family reunion. I’m just glad it’s not me. “Well, best get this over with, man,” I advise Sunny as I turn to him.
All that’s left where he was is a dust cloud. Goddamn him.
Sunny’s already trotting over his sister like it’s no big deal. “Hey, sis!” he greets her.
Her jack clatters to the ground, along with her umbrella and her car keys, as she sees the pony walking up to her. The look of complete shock on her face would be funny if this weren’t such a fucked up situation. “P-p-p-p-p-” she sputters.
“Yep. Pegasus.” Dave grins at her. “Thanks for coming, Beth. You’re the best.”
“MONSTEEEERRRR!”
Sunny’s sister practically flies back into her car and frantically tries to start the thing before noticing she dropped her keys in the road.
“Monster!? Where?” Sunny yelps, looking around. He follows his sister and tries to hide in her car too, only to find the doors locked. “Come on, Beth! Open up! I don’t want the monster to get me!” he pleads, knocking on her window.
“You’re the monster!” she shouts at him. “Wait, how do you know my name?”
Sunny gets all offended. “Hey! That’s mean! Mom always told you to stop calling me names!”
“Davey?”
“Duh! I told you we’d be the ponies by the blue car. Come on, keep up!” he rolls his eyes.
His sister, still looking completely dumbfounded, rolls the window down. “Davey?” she asks again.
“Yeah, it’s me. What’d I just- mrm mrr.” The rest of his response is muffled by his sister grabbing the sides of his face, jerking it up, and staring into his eyes.
“Hehhoorm mre,” he mumbles.
“It IS you!” she cries.
“Hyroo hii wrewrin roh?”
She releases his face. “What was that?”
“I said, ‘You mind lettin’ go?’” he clears up, “It’s hard to talk with you manhandling me and it’s not gettin’ any drier out here.”
“Oh. Sorry. It’s just… you’re a horse!” she apologises.
“Pony.”
“Right. This is from that show you liked, right?” she asks.
“Yeah.”
“So what did you do this time?” she accuses.
“Hey! Why do ya always assume first thing that I did something?” Sunny protests.
“Because you’re my brother- I can’t believe I’m talking to a horse that’s my brother,” she shakes her head in disbelief.
“Pony,” he corrects again.
“Right, right. You’re my brother and I know you. When we were growing up, you couldn’t go ten minutes without getting into trouble and you always ran to me to fix it. The only times you come up here to visit me is when you’ve gotten yourself into some mess.”
Sunny opens his mouth to argue, but his sister cuts him off. “And look at you! You’ve turned yourself into a horse!”
“PONY!” the three ponies next to me yell. Sister eeps and looks in our direction.
“I turned- You think I did this to myself?” Sunny asks in outrage.
“What was that? Who’s out there?” Sister asks.
“That’s my friends,” he answers casually, “Come on, I already told ya that.” He turns toward us and waves at us. “You can come out guys!”
I try to stand up quickly, but I knock my head on Flim’s shield, accidentally letting out a surprised “CAHW!” Ah, sunvabitch, that smarts. I rub my skull and shoot Flim a look. He just shrugs at me. I look back out and Sunny’s sister is looking fearfully in our direction.
“Come on, guys, get out here! You’re scaring my sister,” Sunny orders. Ha. He thinks HE can order ME? Aw man, I was going out anyway, so now it’s going to look like I’m doing what he says. Well whatever.
We stand up and step back onto the road. “As touching as this Hallmark family reunion is,” I say, disinterested and picking leaves out of my coat, “Can we get this show on the road? We’re wet, we’re exposed, and you’re making me sick with this crap.”
Sister is looking at me a wide-eyed. “H-h-h-”
“No, not horse. Pony. Come on, Beth. I gotta keep saying it?” Sunny corrects.
“Hawk,” she says, pointing at me.
“Griffon, thanks very much,” I correct.
Flim clears his throat. “Well. You folks fancy us finally finishing fixing your vehicle or not?”
Flam continues, “You go ahead and iron out your various familial conundrums. My brother and myself will iron out your tire,” at that, he takes up the tire iron in his magic, “and be on our way to our own dealings forthwith. Come along, brother.”
“Right away, brother!” Flim calls back and they go back to changing our tire.
“‘On your way’? Wait, you’re not coming with us? You have to!” Bones calls after them and follows them.
Sister is looking all stupid and surprised again, this time at the brothers using their magic. Guess our entrance distracted her from the big green dome over our heads. Speaking of which, they walked away, so I’m getting wet again.
I walk over to the things Sister dropped and pick them up. I tuck the jack into my armpit. Does it even count as an armpit now? Between that, and the umbrella and keys in hand, I have to take a weird three-legged gait. Great. Even I can't make this look good. She looks nervous as I approach. I hand her her jack and her keys, but keep using the umbrella for myself. Sunny scoots in close to me to stay dry too. “Here you go. You dropped these.”
“Um… thanks.”
I thrust my hand at her and she flinches. I don’t let it bother me. If I saw me coming, I’d be intimidated as shit too. “Gayle,” I introduce myself.
She looks at my hand and catches on. “Oh. Right. Elizabeth Watson. Liz,” she responds in kind and shakes my hand.
Sooooo…
“Didn’t you need the jack?” Liz asks.
“Oh. Yeah. We did. But those guys,” I jerk my thumb at the brothers, “stopped and lent us theirs right before you got here,” I explain.
“Yeah, it’s great!” Sunny exclaims. “It’s Flim and Flam. I mean, it’s FLIM AND FLAM! Isn’t that AWESOME?” He starts to sing, “You’ve got opportunity in this very community! He’s Fl-”
I reach over and cover his mouth but he keeps trying to sing through my hand. “Was he always like this?” I ask Liz in annoyance.
She nods, “Pretty much.”
That’s when Sunny starts licking my hand. Licking. My hand. EUUUUGH. I jerk my hand away from his mouth like it’s on fire.
“Traveling salesponies nonpareil!” he finishes.
Without even thinking about it, I slap him upside the back of his head. I stare at my open palm for a few seconds in disbelief. Who does that? I hope he’s had his shots. I don’t want to catch anything from him, like rabies. Or stupid. Fan-fucking-tastic. I wipe any spit (and cooties) on his back.
“Ow! What’d ya do that for? Come on.” Sunny whines, rubbing the back of his head.
Liz shakes her head and laughs. “Yep, you’re my brother all right.”
I glare at Sunny and growl, “You’re pushing it, dumbass. You sit here and explain to your sister what’s going on.” I shove the umbrella at him. “He’s all yours,” I announce to Liz and turn to walk away.
“Where are you going?” Sunny asks.
“Away from you.” I stop, turn around and hook my hand into a claw. “You pull that sort of shit again and I’m using the talons next time.” He gulps. I walk away again, calling behind me, “You’re pushing it!”
As I head back across the road, my enhanced hearing let’s me hear the two.
“Really, Davey? The old licking thing?”
“What? It always worked on you.”
As I approach Bones and the brothers, I hear them arguing.
“But you need to come with us! We need to stick together,” she’s desperately trying to convince them, flailing her umbrella around in the air.
Flim looks up from the tire at her. “Last I looked, chou-fleur, there’s naught we need to do now.”
“And especially not with this motley gallery of rogues, Flim,” adds Flam, not even looking up from his work.
I step under their magic dome. “Hey guys. Anything I can do to help?” I offer.
“Thanks, but no thanks, Big Bird,” Flim dismisses me.
“It’s a tire, not an advanced technomagical cider making marvel. I do believe we’ll be able to manage this project by our lonesome,” Flam adds, even more dismissive.
“Believe it or don’t, there’s more to Flim and Flam than just these fantastically fine faces.”
“But we’d be much obliged if you’d take your... enthusiastic companion out of our immediate vicinity.”
“Look,” Bones pleads, “I know you don’t believe me, and I can't explain why, but it’s VERY important that you come with us. How about just one night? Call it a leap of faith.”
Flam continues tightening lugnuts in silence until, “If you insist.”
“Brother, surely you can’t be serious.”
The two share a look and then laugh.
“With all due seriousness, Flim, I reckon, ‘how painful could one night possibly be?’ We need a location to hunker down for the night, then we can attempt another border crossing in the morning,” Flam reasons with his brother.
“Well, I suppose that’s some sound sense you’re making, Flam,” Flim admits.
“I always was the brains of the outfit, brother,” smiles Flam. He places the hubcap back into place. “Annnd finished. Better than the day it rolled off the assembly line, if I do say so myself.”
Flim turns to Bones, “Alright, you’ve poached us, ma petit. Provisionally. Prepare the path, and Flim and Flam will follow.”
Flam cuts in. “I apologise on my brother’s behalf. He doesn’t intend to befuddle with his flowery wordplay. Allow me to elucidate.” What the fuck is he even saying? He makes even less sense than the other one. “What my brother means to say around all the fancy linguistics is we’ll follow you to your friend’s residence and stay a night. Now if you’ll excuse us.”
The brothers grab their tools and float them back into their Winnebago. They pause at the door.
“Lead the way!” Flam calls.
“And Flim and Flam will follow!” Flim adds. With that, they go inside, shut off their magic dome, and close the door.
Jesus. Just listening to those two is exhausting. I personally wouldn’t mind if we never had to see them again, but Bones seems pretty dead set on bringing them along, so whatever. I turn to her. “Wow, you really wanted them. Sooo… That was… a thing.”
“Don’t ask.”
“I didn’t,” I point out.
“It’s nothing. Just saving the course of the future,” she says.
“I didn’t ask.”
“Because I know the future,” she keeps going. Sure you do, Bones. Sure you do. And I’m the President. “I dreamt it.”
I change the subject. “Oh look, here comes Sunny.” Sure enough, he’s trotting toward us with a big grin on his face. He gets right up next to Bones under her umbrella.
“Good news, dudettes. My sis is setting us up. She’s gonna lead the way and we just gotta follow her. Oh man, real bed here I come!” He looks giddy for that last part.
“You’re riding with us? Why don’t you go with her?” I wonder.
Sunny awkwardly paws the asphalt with his hoof. “She didn’t want me to get her seats all wet and smelling like wet pony.”
Bones’s face darkens in a realization. “Aw man! Now MY seats are going to get all wet and smell like wet pony.”
I clap her on the back. “Don’t forget wet bird. Now let’s get this party going.”
The three of us pile into the car. Liz turns her Beemer around and we follow after her, the brothers’ RV trailing behind us. Our own little crazy train.
As I drive, I can’t help but think about how crazy it really is. It’s hard to put into words. It’s just a feeling I have. There’s something in the back of my mind, like a little whisper telling me that something isn’t right; that something doesn’t add up. “I don’t like this,” I say aloud.
“What part? The part with the car trouble or the part where we got rained on?” Sunny asks sarcastically. “Or, you know, the part where we turned into ponies? Don’t forget that.”
“No, it’s all of it,” I try to explain. Maybe that’s it. Maybe it’s not that something doesn’t add up. It’s that everything adds up. “It’s too perfect.”
“Oh yeah? What is?” he asks.
“Everything. Steve and I just happen to be roommates for all this time even though we’re can’t stand each other most of the time.” I glance over at her. She’s looking out the window, either ignoring the conversation or… or I don’t know. “Then we find you in the woods. All the land within a day’s drive of New York and we just happen to run into you. And then we break down just long enough in exactly the right spot to meet these Flim Flam guys?”
“Yeah, it was pretty lucky,” Sunny agrees.
“No,” I disagree, “Lucky is finding ten bucks on the ground. The odds of this are, like, I don’t know, impossible or something. I don’t know about statistics and shit. Bones, help me out here.”
She doesn’t even look over. She just shrugs and makes an “I dunno” sound. I snort. Some help.
“So what are you gettin’ at?” Sunny asks.
“Come on, you’re the conspiracy nut. Do I have to spell it out for you? ‘Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.’” I say, trying to sound as wise and ominous as I can.
Bones looks at me in surprise. “Where the hell did you pull that from? You’ve read Fleming?”
I laugh. “Of course not. I must have heard you say it or something.” I get serious again. “It’s just, I think that there’s something going down. Something terrible. Like, worse than humans randomly turning into ponies. And with the way these ‘coincidences’ and all this other crazy crap keeps happening, I’ve got this nagging feeling that someone’s pulling all our strings.”
“I’m not really a fan of puppets,” Sunny mutters from the back seat. Really? That’s what he took from that? I’m not even going to respond to that. He picks up on our silence. “What? They have those creepy, dead eyes. Give me the frickin’ willies,” he shudders.
Sigh. What did I do to deserve this moron? And Bones is being no help.
“Hey, wait,” Sunny says, his nose pressed against the window. He better be careful, last time he had his face against the glass, he ended up with a head wound. “You took a wrong turn.”
“I’m just following your sister.”
He looks in front of us and sees she’s still leading us. “This isn’t the way to her place. Where’s she taking us?” he asks worriedly.
I shrug. “Guess we’ll find out.” That little feeling in the back of my head that seems like it knows what’s going on but doesn’t want to share is chafing me again with this new development. “Strings, man.” I mutter, more to myself than to the others. Then I ask Bones again, “Hey, what do you think about all this?”
Bones slowly turns to me and gives me this look. Just the deepest, most cryptic look with this haunted thousand-yard stare. “I’m working on it,” she says. Well, that’s not ominous at all.
“Come on, what aren’t you saying?” I prod her.
She turns back toward the window. “You wouldn’t believe me,” she says hollowly. Is she mad at me? What the hell did I do now? Fucking women, man.
After another couple minutes, Sunny worrying the whole time, Liz turns into a driveway and we pull in after her. “This isn’t her house. Where are we?” Sunny asks. Like we’re supposed to know.
“She’s your sister,” I remind him.
The driveway is maybe five hundred feet long and doesn’t actually come up to the house, which is maybe a hundred feet to the right, set mostly into the woods. It comes up next to a nice inground pool right by the treeline. Then surprisingly, it curves sharply to the right through the trees and circles around the back of the house, ending in an attached garage on the opposite side. Liz pulls off to the side of of the garage entrance and we pull into the empty garage. The Winnebago stops further back because not only are they not getting that fat bitch in here, but they can’t even get close due to low hanging branches over the driveway.
I turn the car off, and we get out. Liz is unlocking the door into the house with key. I walk to the edge of the garage and look around. The house looks big, set back in the woods, nice and private. The crazy backwards driveway is pretty perfect for privacy too. Yeah, this looks like a pretty good spot. I think we can work with this.
While I’m looking around, Flim and Flam are coming over from their RV and Sunny is practically on top of his sister. “Beth! Where are we? This isn’t your house! You said we could stay at your house!”
Liz gives him a sidelong glance. “That was on the phone, before I knew you had four friends with you and you were all talking horses on the run,” she explains.
“I’m not,” I chirp, but they ignore me.
“So?” Sunny demands up at her. “What’s that got to do with anything?”
“Davey, putting you up for a night is one thing. But I can’t have five cartoon horses staying with me for an indefinite amount of time,” she tells him. I notice she isn’t looking right at him; more to the side just next to him.
“Why not?”
“What would I tell my boyfriend?” she asks.
Sunny laughs. “What? You don’t have a boyfriend.”
Liz isn’t laughing. In fact, she looks irritated. “Dave, you don’t know me as well as you think you do. Maybe if you didn’t just call on me when you need me to do something for you, you would.”
Sunny’s mouth opens and closes a few times, but he doesn’t manage to say anything.
For the first time, Liz looks right at him. “You want something from me? Here it is,” she says and gestures around at the house. “Take it or leave it and don’t complain.”
I could make a joke about gift horses, but I’m staying out of this family feud. This is painfully awkward just to be near. Bones, Flim, and Flam, and I are all off in a little group to the side, sitting on our haunches, looking really uncomfortable and trying to avoid this mess. But maybe if I can change the subject, I can rescue us all from choking to death on all this awkward. “Um… about that,” I start and raise a finger. “Who’s house is this exactly? Are they going to be cool with, uh… this?” I ask, waving at our little group.
Liz turns to me, but again, she’s doesn’t really look me in the eye. Her eyes are pointed slightly to my right. What’s up with that? “This is one of my listings,” she answers my question. I just don’t know what that answer actually means. Listing? The fuck is that?
Sunny must have seen my confusion, because he fills in the blank. “Beth is a realtor.”
“The number two realtor in Burlington and number four in all northern Vermont,” she says with pride. “This house is one of my listings. Right now, no one lives here, so this is where you’re staying.”
“Not to look a gift horse in the mouth,” Bones starts. Ugh. Well I guess someone was going to say it. “but doesn’t that mean there are going to be people coming through to buy the house?”
“No. It was in escrow, but the inspector found a problem with the roof and the deal fell through. I can’t show it again until the roof is fixed and the roofer won’t be here for a couple weeks. That’s why I picked this place,” Liz answers.
“So we have permission to enter the domicile?” asks Flam.
“Dandy!” exclaims Flim, and they trot into the house.
“Wait!” Liz yells after them, but they’re already inside. “Oh forget it. I have to go.”
“Go?” Sunny asks. “But we just got here.”
“Yes, you did. You settle in. I have to go,” she says and turns to leave.
“But, you could stay and we could, uh, you know, like, hang out. Like brother and sister, like you were saying,” Sunny suggests.
Liz sighs, but doesn’t turn back to look at us. “I have to get home. I was in the middle of something when you called and it’s getting late anyway. Some of us have jobs we have to get to in the morning,” she shoots at her brother.
“I have a job!”
She shakes her head. “When you can show me your W2, you can tell me all about it. But right now, you stay here. We’ll talk tomorrow.” She starts walking to her car.
Sunny starts after her. “But what about food and-”
“We’ll talk tomorrow!” Liz cuts him off and gets into her car.
Sunny stops and stares as she drives off. He slumps to the ground. “I think my sister hates me,” he whimpers. Awww jeez. Now I’ve got to go and cheer up another sad pony. When did my job as a PT change from personal trainer to pony therapist? Ah well. Time to turn on the old Gilda charm.
I sidle up to him and reluctantly pat him on the back. “There there… big guy.” Eww, it sounds weird even as I say it. “I’m sure she doesn’t hate you. Just, you know, give her time.” I grab him by the shoulders and lift him to his hooves. “Why don’t you go inside, get some water and get your head on straight. Bones and I will start unpacking.”
Sunny mumbles an “okay” and heads into the house. I head back over to our car and pop the trunk. I grab a couple bags and dump them on the ground. “Okay, let’s put that magic of yours to work, Bo-” I turn to talk to Bones, but she’s nowhere to be seen. Fuck, when did she disappear? Goddamnit, I gotta do this all by myself? I growl, then grab a bag in my beak and start unloading. No respect. I get no fucking respect.
It takes me about twenty minutes to fully unload the car. By myself. During that time, no one offers to help, the dickbags. When I’m done I go and look for my missing “friends”. I find Bones in one of the bedrooms, curled up in the corner with a pillow. “Huh, where’d she get that?” I ask no one.
“The poor pony was pooped, so I presented her my pillow,” I hear to my left. Flim is sitting by the window, reading by moonlight. How did I not notice him there? And where did he get the pillow?
I narrow my eyes at him. “What are you doing in here with her?”
“Why, just reading!” he says innocently and levitates his book for me to see.
“Yeah, okaaayyy… But that better be the only thing you’re doing, Romeo, or your brother isn’t going to be the only one of you to get a sex change,” I threaten.
His eyes go wide and he makes a little “eep”. “I Pinky promise,” he says with some weird salute.
Um. Okay. He doesn’t have pinky fingers anymore, but I’m not going to ask. “Where are the others?” I ask.
“Brooding,” he answers. “Fran- pardon, I mean Flam, is in the RV, moping most miserably. He’s not taking this transformation too terrifically. And last I saw Sunny, he was off sulking somewhere.
“Yeah, okay, thanks,” I nod and leave the room. Well that answers that. I’m still too keyed up to rest myself. I already unloaded the bags. I guess I may as well unpack them too. Then maybe I can get a flight in.
I take my time with unpacking. It’s almost hilarious the things I brought with me. All these clothes. Running shoes? Hiking boots? What the hell was I thinking? Past me was an idiot. Jesus, was that really only two days ago? It feels like forever. I almost pitch the running shoes out the window, but I stop myself. It wouldn’t do any good. I guess I can at least keep them as a souvenir.
The food goes in the cupboards, the water in the fridge, etc, etc, etc. I’m finishing up with the kitchen stuff when I hear some yelling from upstairs, followed by hoofsteps. “Gilda!” Flim calls out.
I rush over and meet him at the bottom of the steps. “What’s wrong?” I ask him, worried.
“It’s Lazy Bones,” he says, with both concern and fear in his eyes. “I don’t know what’s the matter with her. She’s having some form of conniption. She’s talking in her sleep.”
I hear Bones shout something from upstairs. I fly up the stairs (At least, figuratively. I’d do it literally if there was space) and into her bedroom, Flim hot on my tail.
Bones is tossing and turning, moaning and babbling nonsensically. Occasionally, she manages words like, “run,” and “Honey, help,” and “hide, Daisy!”
“Bones, wake up!” I shout at her. No dice. I shake her gently and call her name, but that just causes her to yelp. Shit, I didn’t mean to make things worse. I feel helpless. Isn’t there anything I can do?
She says one more thing, “I’m sorry, Show Tunes,” and then starts to calm down. Whew, looks like I don’t have to do anything after all. She lies still and I sit down hard on my rump. What a fucking thing that was. Flim looks petrified.
Suddenly, Bones laughs. It’s a horrible sound. A guffaw that’s simultaneously goofy and sinister. I can feel the blood drain from my face. I recognize that laugh. Bones is still sleeping, but she has a manic grin on her face as she starts to sing.
“Five score, five score, divided by four,” she starts in a slow, haunting melody. Holy shit. Not that. Anything but that. Flim looks about ready to shit himself.
“Five score, five score, divided by four.
Your memories removed, your bodies confused!
And now a fun game we will play!
Cast off to a land far far away!
How long will it be? Not a day, not a week!
Your mind shall be weak, your outlooks bleak!
Forgetting everything and living like a fool,
You've all lost, and I win. Why? ‘Cause I rule!”
The song ends and she screams; ear-piercing and blood-curdling. She stops mid-scream, like something cut her off. Then she quickly sits up and stares straight ahead, her eyes unfocused. This again.
“Don’t you think the joker laughs at you?” Bones starts in her dreamy voice.
I don’t know why, but I something tells me this is important and I should get the others so they can hear it too.
“Stay here and watch her,” I bark at Flim and rush out of the room.
“What?” he calls after me.
“Just fucking watch her!” I order and I’m already half way downstairs. I know where Flam is, so I’ll get him first. I dash out the door and over to the Winnebago so fast, my paws barely touch the ground. My wings may be be helping with that. I throw open the door and find Flam in the middle of a conversation with Sunny. Good. Two birds. They both look over at me in surprise.
“Come quick!” I scream.
“What?” asks Flam in confusion.
“Just fucking come quick!” I repeat, then turn around and sprint back toward the house, not even bothering to see if they’re following. I get back up to Bones and she’s still zoned out. This is a lot longer than last time. Sunny and Flam burst into the room a little behind me.
“-for ever, it seems,” Bones drones in an empty voice. She stops talking. We probably just caught the tail end of it. She blinks and her eyes focus.
“Bones?” I ask cautiously.
She hears my voice and turns at the sound. She sees us all standing there staring at her. “Guys,” she croaks. She pauses and swallows. “I know what’s going on.”
/_‾_‾_‾TO BE
CONTINUED‾_‾_‾_〉
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Hey look! It's Tweedledee and Tweedledum!
My compliments to the artist who drew that picture, as well.
3345889
That would be me. I've tried getting other people to draw some arts for me, but no luck, so I draw everything myself. So thanks.
I feel suspicious of just about everyone at this point. Surprisingly though, it's not the terrible twosome that I'm worried about the most, something about Elizabeth and her boyfriend that we haven't even met yet is making me a mite antsy.
Well done on the picture. Kind of reminds me of My Neighbor Totoro.
coalgirls.wakku.to/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/Totoro.png
3346440
Thanks. That's exactly what I was going for. I was paying homage. Even note the feathers on on Gilda's chest compared to the marks on Totoro's.
3346240
lol, So you've caught on how awful I am to my characters, eh?
Liz isn't a bad person. She's just very Type A to her brother's VERY Type B. She lives in a narrow little world where everything makes sense and she's in control of everything. When the ball's in her court, she's the one to turn to. She gets things done.
But when dealing with something outside her comfort zone, she doesn't always know what to do and doesn't always handle things well. So when something she can't explain shows up almost literally on her doorstep, (like her irresponsible, terribly evil criminal, and worst of all, thoughtless (he could call from time to time without needing a favor) brother suddenly bringing four people to stay at her house, and by the way they've all turned into CARTOON CHARACTERS! I mean REALLY! How is that possible?) she doesn't react well.
How she continues to deal with this, we'll see, but she's not going to go and immediately sell them into sexual slavery or anything terrible like that.
3346490
I loved the picture too, it gave me a good laugh as I could just picture the sheer awkwardness of the situation as well.
Another great chapter! If I'm able to make a sequel to my story I'll get started on it after I've finished moving, which has been taking up most of my spare time. I love this story and it gave a lot of laughs and interesting developments, I look forward to the next one!
3353375
Thanks for the encouragement!
No excuse. Bones, you are a librarian. You have no excuse for this lack of genre savviness.
Cat-bird-woman I thought.
Nice chapter.
3367424
Catbird? s20.postimg.org/71rkesclp/Cat_Bird.png
lol, true. She should be more genre saavy. It's a little bit that it's the heat of the moment and she's all flustered. But mainly, I try to keep characters from being TOO genre saavy or else stories would never happen. Otherwise, you end up with this:
But yeah, she's just ASKING for trouble when she says that. And I am there to provide. As I've said, I'm awful to my characters. Just a miserable bastard. It makes me smile.
3367534 Catbird woman.
I know. Still, aside from having a slightly sadistic author, even with being flustered, she still doesn't have much of an excuse.
3371323
Yeah. Especially since she's obviously read TV Tropes. She did earlier refer to Discord's betrayal as a face-heel turn. Sometimes the smartest people are the stupidest in the moment. (I know it's that way for me anyway.)
3430923
Because that's just how I roll, baby.s3.amazonaws.com/kym-assets/photos/images/original/000/202/811/87090%20-%20Hubble%20cap%20rainbow_dash%20sunglasses.jpg?1321747082
Seriously though, that's just what I did. I like putting meaning behind the names of the characters in my stories (yeah, I've written other stuff pre-pony). I decided to do the names like this based on the character names from the original Five Score. Rainbow is Anon, Flutters is Fiona, Applejack is Jack, Twilight is Tess. So I took that up a notch. All of the transformed characters' names match up with their old world names.
Gayle Griffin - Gilda the Griffon
Larry "Steve" Boon - Lazy Bones
Watson, Dave - Sunny Daze
Fred & Fran Flanders - Flim & Flam Flimflam
and in the last chapter Sunny mentioned a couple family members, one of whom we're going to learn a little about in the next chapter: Andy Watson - Amber Waves
So.....yeah.
This is very interesting, and it's getting better as time goes on :)
3462791
Thanks. I appreciate you saying that.
I'd like to think it's gotten better because I'm getting better as a writer. I had written some stuff before, but this is my largest undertaking to date and I'm getting alot more experience under my belt. Plus, I've never done anything serialized like this before. Also, when I started out, I didn't have a full idea of what the story was and where it was going to go. It was just going to be a goofy little comedy with Gilda and a shameless self-insert character on a fun roadtrip. Well then I got a grip on the story and that's obviously all changed. Bones has strayed from being just me in pony form, and the story has gotten more serious. Now that I know what's going on, I think I can do a better job of telling it.
Also, PingSquirrel came on as my prereader/editor in chapter 5, and he's just a BOWSS. He makes me want to be a better man. Errr... wait. That didn't come out right.
Wow, that was a big improvement in the artwork. A lot of the illustrations I've had trouble looking at, but this I took a minute or two to soak in.
Bones is a lot prettier than I thought.
It's funny that Liz is also the nickname of the girlfriend of Christhe human version of Chrysalis in this timeline.