A Guardsman in Equestria

by Guardsman_Sparky

Excess

Alexander stared out the window overlooking most of Ponyville, his hands clasped behind his back as he stood in thought That symbol, it was familiar to one he loathed with his entire being. It brought the same feeling of nausea to anyone who looked too closely, but it wasn't the same symbol. It was an eight-spoked wheel, but where that symbol had arrows, this symbol had alternating wiggling lines and outward facing crescent moons. Different, yet the same. Sighing, Alexander broke his mind from the disquieting thoughts about the previous week buzzing through his head. As he turned in for the night, he briefly hoped his suspicions were unfounded.

In a hollowed out tree, a blackish-green wisp snaked in through the keyhole. A deep, barely audible chuckle chilled the air as the wisp found its target. With a dark, evil hiss, it soaked into its prey. The sleeping form briefly opened its eyes, slit pupils flashing green before drifting back into dreams.

Alexander woke with the sun shining in his eye. Blinking groggily, he put on the eyepatch that had just mysteriously shown up. Seriously, where the hell did this come from? Stretching, Alexander began to do his morning PT, hanging from the doorframe as he did pull-ups. When he was finished with his strength training, Alexander dressed in his fatigues and went out the door. Taking in a deep breath, he began to jog his usual route through Ponyville, greeting each pony politely as he passed. After it had come to light that the deceased saboteur had not been a local, Alexander had come to the conclusion that he needed to know the names, faces, and occupations of each and every pony residing in Ponyville in order to ensure an outsider like that would not go undetected or unsupervised again. Getting on their good sides wouldn't hurt either.

"Roseluck, how're the flowers?"
"Oh, Alexander, they're doing well. Thank you."

"Carrot Top, how're things?"
"Those pesky rabbits are eating my crops again."

"I'll have a chat with Fluttershy, see if she can do anything about it. Hey Davenport, how's the sofa and quill business doin'?"
"Well, sofa sales are down this month, but quill sales are as strong as ever, thanks to Ms. Sparkle. Oh, and you, of course."

Alexander jogged past the already repaired Sugarcube Corner. Fortunately, the Cakes had been at the Mare-Do-Well Rally, so no one had been hurt. He decided to give getting a cupcake a pass, as he needed to borrow several more books on combat magics from Twilight. Yes, he was on vacation, but the notion of just relaxing for so long was foreign to him, so he trained, and trained hard. He turned a corner and was bowled over by a frantic lavender unicorn.

"Twilight, you better have a good reason for running me over."

Applejack helped Twilight and Alexander untangle their limbs from each other. "Spike's gone plum loco."

Alexander looked at Applejack. "Pardon?"

Twilight shook herself off. "Spike is experiencing an early onset of metamorphosis known among dragons as "greed growth," and has begun pilfering belongings and expanding exponentially."

"Wut?"

Applejack rolled her eyes. "Spike's goin' through early puberty and it's makin' him greedy and bigger."

"Oh." Alexander looked askew at Twilight. "Why didn't you say so? So how big is he now? Four feet, five feet?"

"Ahm...well..." A scream tore from Sugarcube Corner, interrupting Twilight and Applejack's response. Alexander blinked. He could have sworn that the bakery bounced several feet into the air with the force of the scream. Alexander barreled through the door, the girls right behind, only to bounce painfully off a mass of purple and green and crack his head on the floor. Sitting up groggily, Alexander blinked at the scaly beast before him being assaulted by thrown cakes and flung pastries. "Barney?" Thud!

Alexander sat up as he regained consciousness. "Ow." He looked up to find a pair of blue eyes not an inch from his. "GYAH!" Alexander recoiled from the pink pony invading his personal space. Pinkie Pie jumped up onto the human's chest, pressing her muzzle to his nose. "Who's Barney?"

"What? A child's vid character. Been around forever." He looked around at the flour and icing encrusted wall of the bakery. "Did Spike do this?"

Applejack helped Alexander to his feet. "Ah, no, that was Pinkie throwin' all those cakes an' things at 'im."

Alexander turned to Twilight. "How long was I out?"

"About fifteen minutes."

"Ergh. So...you weren't kidding about the growth, were you?" Twilight shook her head. Alexander rubbed his face. "So, um, just how big to dragons get?"

"Well," Twilight began. "The last dragon we faced was about fifty feet high, and he was on the small side."

"The small side?" Great. "Please tell me this isn't permanent?"

Twilight shook her head. "According to Zecora, if we can keep him from taking things for a while, he should revert to normal."

Alexander sighed with relief. "Oh good." He really didn't want to have to deal with a rampaging creature on its way to growing to bio-titan size. It was hard enough to take down one of those things with an army, but with just a small squad? Hells no. "Well, let's go find him and tie him up or something before he gets any bigger." A loud roar shook the building as Alexander opened the door.

"Shit."

Alexander looked away from the dragon towering over Ponyville. "I suppose shooting him with a missile is out of the question?" Alexander quickly waved his hands at Twilight's stricken expression. "Sorry, I had to ask." He ran out into the street. Taking off his helmet, he began to wave it above his head at the behemoth dumping things into an emptied water tower. "Hey, Big Guy. OH SPIKE! Got something nice and shiny for you!"

Spike turned and spotted the jumping human below. "MINE!" He reached out for Alexander.

Twilight yelled to Alexander as he ran by. "So, what's your plan?"

"I don't know, I didn't think that far ahead!" Alexander ran for his life through Ponyville as he tried not to become a giant dragon's next toy. Steel Rain flew up next to the sprinting sentinel, easily keeping pace. "Sir, what's the situation?" Alexander explained as briefly as he could. "Spike big, need to keep from taking things!" "Very good sir. I'll inform the rest." Rain peeled off, disappearing from Alexander's view. Dodging another grasping claw, Alexander found himself outside Carousel Boutique. Spike stopped chasing after Alexander and reached for the roof of the store. "Rarity."

A shrill scream could be heard as Rarity was lifted out of her home. "Put me down!" The dragon stomped off into town with the screaming unicorn clutched in his tail. An air raid siren wailed briefly before it was torn out of the ground. Alexander sprinted after him as his squad arrived with rope and grappling-hook launchers. "Get those launchers set up, we need to stop him from destroying the town."

Twilight galloped after him. "Spike wouldn't do that."

"Not on purpose, but have you ever seen what something that size can do if it doesn't watch where it steps? I have! It ain't pretty!" Alexander ground to a halt as Nickel finished setting up the last grappling-hook launcher. "Fire!" Nickel flipped a switch with his hoof, blasting the hook and rope into the air.

K-PANNNG

K-PANNNG

K-PANNNG

The three grappling hooks wrapped their ropes around the rampaging Spike's arms and tail. "Pull!" At Alexander's command, every pony in the squad hauled on their ropes. Spike roared and pulled at the ropes, sending Alexander and his squad flying in every direction as the ropes came loose. Alexander came crashing down through the roof of a nearby home.

Alexander sat up and threw debris off himself as the mare in the bath screamed, covering herself with the shower curtain. Alexander gave her a cool, measured look. "You go around bare naked in public. Quit screaming. It's nothing you haven't shown everyone before. The red-faced mare sunk into the bubble bath in embarrassment as Alexander left the room. Fluttershy met Alexander outside as he left the front door.

"Ohmygosh, are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine, I jus--What is that doing here?" Alexander pointed to the chitinous mass sitting on the butter-yellow pegasus' rump. Chomper sat up and chirruped at Alexander happily as Fluttershy giggled. "Oh, the little dear wanted to help me with my shopping. She's such a sweetie." She leaned in close and whispered conspiratorially. "I think Angel Bunny has a crush on her." She giggled again as Alexander rolled his eyes.

"That's great. Listen, do you think you can get Spike up there to put Rarity down?"

Fluttershy turned around and squeaked. "T-that's Spike!?"

"Yes, think you can get him to calm down while I look for my squad?"

"Um, yes." Fluttershy gently picked up Chomper with her wings and placed the tyranid on the ground. "Now stay here, Chompy, mommy needs to go talk to the dragon, okay?" Chomper chirped as Fluttershy flew up to Spike's head. Halfway there, Rainbow Dash joined her before flying to the opposite side of the dragon's head from Fluttershy. Alexander watched as the two pegasi spoke to Spike. Well, whispered and threatened anyways. With a snort, Spike flicked his tail at the airborne pair, catching them in the Rarity's cape and sending the two down into the Ponyville Park lake as the cape tore. Alexander sighed in relief as Dash and Fluttershy emerged coughing from the water. A triple trail of smoke and lightning flying from Canterlot caught Alexander's attention. Pulling out a flare, Alexander sent it skyward, bringing the three pegasi in blue jumpsuits in for a landing.

The lead pegasus, a flame yellow mare with a matching fiery red mane saluted. "Spitfire of the Wonderbolts at your service. You must be the Sentinel everypony's talking about."

"Alexander Yeager. I am. So, what exactly were you planning to do to stop that dragon?"

Spitfire looked at her subordinates. "We were hoping to drive him back out of Ponyville. Failing that, well..." She left the unpleasant truth unspoken. She looked down at Alexander's feet. "Uh, is that thing okay?"

"What?" Alexander looked down to find Chomper snarling and foaming at the rampaging Spike.

As Alexander looked on, a thick, purplish-blackish miasma spewed forth from the hollow spines on the tyranid's back. Chomper's eyes began to glow as the fog swelled in size, soon covering half the block. A deep. ominous rumbling could be heard from within the haze. Soon, the smoke cleared to reveal a full-sized thirty-foot tall carnifex. The alien monstrous creature stepped forward with a reverberating thud, roaring a challenge at the purple dragon before it. Seeing a rival for 'his' belongings, Spike roared back before charging at the chitinous horror that dared to challenge him for his hoard. With a titanic crash, the two behemoths began duking it out in the middle of Ponyville.

Alexander ran for his life to escape the battlezone as the Wonderbolts flew out of harm's way. "Get everybody within five blocks away from here!" Hearing Alexander's shout, the three pegasi split up to evacuate the panicking civilians. Alexander didn't stop until he arrived at the roofless building that had been Sugarcube Corner. There, sitting in the demolished doorway, sat Pinkie Pie, eating popcorn like she was watching a movie. "Hey Alex, how ya doin'?" She squealed as Chomper tackled Spike. "Ooh, they'd love this in Neighpan!" Not knowing what else to do, Alexander sat next to Pinkie and accepted the second popcorn bucket she offered him.

Getting up from being body slammed by a giant insect, Spike exhaled, blowing a emerald fireball at the carnifex. At the same time, Chomper brought her scything talons together in front of her maw, eldritch energies crackling down. A shrill shrieking filled the air until a sickly green ball of bio-plasma rocketed out of her jaws. Fireball met plasma, and the two reacted as violently as vinegar and baking soda, the resulting explosion knocking the two combatants back several yards. Chomper recovered first, slashing at Spike with her scything talons, but Spike was able to catch them in his claws, razor talons unable to cut through his diamond hard scales. As Spike began to overpower the smaller monster, Chomper swung her crushing claws, knocking Spike into the remains of the water tower he had pilfered earlier. With Rarity still screaming bloody murder in his tail's grip, Spike sidestepped, grabbing the charging carnifex by the horn on her head and spines on her back. Heaving, Spike threw the carnifex into the lake, Chomper landing on her back in the mud, the splash coating Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy in brown ooze. Shrinking back down in a puff of black smoke, the mini-fex whimpered pitifully as Fluttershy comforted her.

However, Spike seemed to calm down as Rarity began to talk to him. Alexander could not hear what was being said, but whatever it was, it must have worked, because with a bright flash of light, Spike shrank back down to baby size and releasing Rarity from his grip...about fifty feet up. Alexander blew a sigh of relief when Rainbow and Fluttershy caught the pair in a hammock fashioned from the remains of the cape that had grounded them in the first place. Alexander couldn't help but laugh when Chomper jumped onto Fluttershy's head and flicked Spike on the snout with her crushing claw. Pinkie chose that moment to cheer at the happy ending to the ordeal, the squeal of joy causing Alexander to topple over away from her half deafened. Rubbing his ears as he stood, Alexander went to go find the Wonderbolts and his squad. Nobody noticed the blackish-green wisp floating away from where Spike had returned to normal.

Spike sat sniffing on a bridge as he wallowed in self pity. He hiccupped in surprise as the only other biped in Ponyville sat next to him. "Why are you crying?" Spike looked at Alexander in shock. Why was he crying? He had just rampaged through Ponyville, doing Celestia knows how much damage to the town. He told Alexander as much. Alexander leaned back on his arms, staring thoughtfully into the starry night sky. "It wasn't your fault."

*Sniff* "What?"

"Nope, from what Twilight told me, what happened to you is a perfectly natural thing to happen to young dragons." He frowned. "At least, I think that's what she was saying. I had some trouble understanding some of the bigger words. Anyways, what you did, did you do any more damage than the town usually seems to incur during these sort of things?"

"No."

"Was anybody seriously hurt?"

"No."

"Well there you go. And you managed to snap yourself out of it yourself, so I hear. That takes a lot of personal strength of character to be able to do something like that." Alexander's face darkened, but in the dark, Spike didn't notice. "I know that for sure."

Sighing, Alexander stood. "Listen, kid, I'm not very good at this, but, happy birthday." Alexander placed a helmet on Spike's head. "Take care." Alexander walked away, leaving a marshmallow unicorn to approach the newly helmeted baby dragon. Sighing, Alexander shook his head. "I need a vacation from this vacation."

Far above, in the darkness of the night, a powerful being raged at the thwarting of his plans for mayhem. Swearing to its dark gods, it silently promised a reckoning to the human below.

Author's Note:

Alexander really had no idea just how long Barney the Dinosaur had been around...seriously, how has that relic survived extinction since my childhood?

Comments

[Arad]

AHA! I saw this story sometime in the past but forgot to favorite it for later reading. But now I have you, and you shall be read...soon.

[FreedomFiend]

Do you really think the forces of Chaos would allow their greatest creation to fade away after just a few millennia of existence? Of course Barney is still around.

[Khorne]

2997808
Barney is the creator of the dark gods. None can withstand the power of the purple and green menace.
He even made me.
That's scary.

[FreedomFiend]

2998347
The Dark Gods are mysterious indeed. Somehow, they created their own creator. Probably Tzeentch's idea, who in turn was simultaneously imagined by Barney.
I can feel the weird overtaking me... It is a good pain!

[Guardsman_Sparky]

2998834 ...y'all are weird. My kinda people.

[Gundamdragon]

I think it has something to do with the contraversy of how the show got canned the guy that played barny was arested on saporting prostuion chargers and the one that replaced him was arested after the last seson for bing a pedfile.... at lest thats what i heard.

[Cadmium]

Barney is no creation of the Gods nor is he their creator.
Barney is eternal he has been here since before time began and will be here after time ends and reality fades into nothing.
That said Barney exists everywhere, in every reality in every universe, but only on earth he has shown himself to some people to spread his glory among them, sadly they where on a drug trip that day and made a kiddy show out of their frazzled memories of this encounter.

[PrincessLunaTheGamer]

Someone... Please, I don't want to have to, but I'm sitting in a bunker in Antarctica, ready to nuke the world and get rid of any traces of Barney. Then scourge the wastes getting rid of any Barney relics that survived. Don't let this happen!