My Very Little Ponyfics

by Lurks-no-More

Starlight Glimmer vs. ERS Scammers

It started when the phone rang.

Starlight Glimmer and Trixie looked up from their afternoon tea. Trixie had decided to visit her friend at the School of Friendship, and since Starlight had no scheduled counseling sessions that day, they were now taking a "Friendship Tea". It was the result of one of Twilight's teaching projects, Starlight had explained as she pushed in a trolley with a steaming teapot, some cups that Trixie was highly familiar with, and a broad basket piled high with pastries and delicacies associated by the various more exotic friendship students at the school: griffon scones, seaweed sandwiches, Yakyakistani mushroom jerky, and more.

Mouth full of her third scone (with raspberry jam and clotted cream), Trixie watched as Starlight magicked the headset over to her. "Counselor Glimmer, how may I help you?" she asked. A series of expressions passed across Starlight's face -- surprise followed by annoyance, followed by sudden glee that made Trixie sit up straighter. She'd seen Starlight grinning like that before, and it had always meant something interesting was going to happen, although the ponies it was about to happen might have used other words.

"Is it one of those annoying tax scammers?" Trixie asked through her scone.

Starlight nodded. "Excuse me for a second," she said, muting the microphone. "Trixie, could you please open that cupboard and push the sheet-covered trolley in there over here? And use your hooves instead of magic! It's a delicate set-up."

Seething with curiosity, Trixie hurried to do as Starlight had asked, pushing the trolley next to Starlight's desk and the remnants of the Friendship Tea. At a nod from her friend she pulled the simple white dust sheet aside with a dramatic flourish, and looked on what had been beneath.

Starlight's mysterious set-up had started its life as a simple speakerphone screwed into a piece of plywood. Around that had grown a complex network of of crystals, silver wire and electronic components that looked like the result of a phone exchange having an one-night fling with a magic circle. Here and there on the plywood base were multicolored annotations in Starlight's hornwriting, along with a number of warning runes in angry red ink around some of the crystal capacitors.

"Trixie doesn't even recognize half of these symbols," she said in awed voice. "What are you going to do to that poor scammer?"

"You'll see," Starlight said. "Oh, that was nothing, sir. Please, could you explain again the penalties for tax evasion?"

She took the headset off and carefully placed it on a stand over the speakerphone, then plugged in a couple of wires. Immediately, an eerie hum rose from the crystals, and the speaker crackled to life.

"...ven years in prison, ma'am," it said in a bit tinny but perfectly clear stallion's voice.

"Uh-huh," Starlight said, as her horn lit up with magic. "Now, before we continue, Mr... Collector, was it? Legit Collector? Could you please describe your cutie mark to me?"

"What? My cutie mark? Ma'am, I don't see-"

"Indeed. You'd better take a good look of your flank, because you won't be seeing your mark again," Starlight said, her voice getting a little strained as the coruscating aura around her horn grew brighter and brighter. Then she released it in a brilliant blast aimed at the speakerphone.

Trixie's eyes widened as she saw the spell spiral in, flowing through the silver circuitry until every curve and angle was sparkling with turquoise light and the crystals blazed with power. Then there was a series of sharp pops and a tinkling sound, and the light faded, leaving bits of the board smoking and one crystal cracked right through. Before she could ask if the spell had worked, there came from the speaker a scream of absolute, existential terror.

"MY CUTIE MARK! WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY MARK! I- I CAN'T- NOOOOOO!"

"I would take this as an opportunity to consider a new career, preferably a more harmonious one where you won't be trying to scam innocent ponies in the name of the Equestrian government," Starlight said in her best empathetic counselor's voice, before cutting the terrified yelling with a flip of a switch.

"Starlight... what in Tartarus did you do to that poor idiot?" Trixie asked, feeling equally impressed and concerned. "Because as much of a criminal pain in the rump he was, I don't think-"

"Oh, don't worry," Starlight interrupted her, managing to look both smug and bashful at the same time. "I just gave him a temporary cutie mark agnosia! For the next half an hour or so, he can't see any cutie marks, including his own. The effect breaks down faster the more ponies there are around him, though, and if there are any with serious destiny potential, it can unravel in seconds. It's a salutary scare, nothing more, I swear!"

Trixie smiled in relief. "That's good to hear. I mean, Trixie knows you're reformed, but that did look, and sound, pretty terrifying! But... Uh." Her expression turned concerned. "Does Sparkle know that you've been experimenting with telephone-assisted long-distance mind-affecting sorcery involving cutie marks?"

"Um, well. Not exactly, no," Starlight said, looking sheepish. "I did mention to Twilight that I was interested in the thaumaturgical security of telephones, seeing as how they are new and untried technology, and she did agree it was something to look into. But between her duties as the Princess of Friendship and the Headmare of the school, not to mention her own experiments, I thought it would be, um, more convenient for everypony if I just presented her with the final results."

Trixie nodded. "That sounds very wise; always better to ask for forgiveness than for permission, when Sparkle's involved. And don't worry, I won't be blabbing to anypony! Though..." She got a thoughtful look on her face. "Can you add me onto the paper you're going to write? It would look good in Trixie's CV!"

Author's Note:

Obviously and consciously inspired by BronyWriter's Hello, This is not a Scammer, I Promise
It's an awesome story, and if you haven't read it yet, go do so (if only to give you a better sense of the context).

Do not taunt happy fun Starlight Glimmer!

Comments

[FanOfMostEverything]

I see a hint of Admiral Biscuit's The Trouble With Unicorns III in there as well. Hilarious Startrix shenanigans.

[Lurks-no-More]

9234698
Thank you! Glad that the shenanigans were fun.

And yeah, although I forgot to mention it in my author's note there, TTWU III was another reason I wanted to get this done. (I got the idea before reading that story, honest! )

[Darkstarling]

Starlight "Mad Magic Means Never Asking Whats the Worst that Could Happen" Glimmer at it again!

[Lurks-no-More]

9247604
Starlight's kind of like Twilight, only with all the filters removed and without any of the positive influence from Twi's folks, Spike, and Princess Celestia. "Here's to magic: the cause of, and solution to, all the life's problems!" -- Glim-Glam at some point, probably.

[23 KM To Nerdiness]

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