Bella enters her house and begins packing as best she can, all while screaming out the door about how she hates Edward. Charlie keeps trying to ask what’s going on, but Bella’s nearly incoherent, yelling that she hates Forks and wants to go back to Phoenix. Then Charlie drops a bombshell: her mother, Renee, might be back in Phoenix at the end of the week, as Renee’s husband is having trouble finding a job in Florida (he’s a minor league baseball player, in case you’ve forgotten), but an Arizona

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Well, the experiment seems to be a dud. I haven't been able to generate much interest and the timing is such that even though I'm not on the front page, updates will not show up in the updated stories list.

Common carnival fare?! Why, I oughta...

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Bella awakes in a hotel in Phoenix at three in the morning. Thinking back, her memories of the trip are a haze, and she vaguely remembers falling asleep. Alice and Jasper sit and watch TV, waiting for a call from Carlisle about an update, any update. Bella has some anxiety over the Cullens going against James (five against two isn’t bad odds!), but Alice says their only fear is losing Bella, because:

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If you're playing World of Warships, please watch for other players on your team before firing your torpedoes... please?

Yeah, probably not what you were expecting.

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Bella wakes up in a hospital, Edward at her side. According to him, she’s got a broken leg, four broken ribs, a cracked skull, and bruises everywhere, on top of losing a lot of blood. The explanation he gave to the doctors and Bella’s parents is that she fell down two flights of stairs and out a window. Supposedly, that could plausibly happen to her.

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Bella has another dream about the immortal child, again with the Volturi coming for him, only this time she feels powerful and wants to protect him. Why? ’Cause he’s purty? Didn’t you hear about all the destruction they could cause? The Volturi are trying to keep vampires secret and keep humans from hunting them down. It’s not like they’re stomping around, going, “No fun allowed!” It’s like they’re trying to keep you from skating somewhere because that somewhere is a minefield. When she wakes

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You know things are even worse when you feel tired for complaining about all the padding.

Jacob arrives at the Cullens’ and finds a fresh set of clothes waiting for him. As he’d torn his last set changing when he left the house last chapter, he’s grateful. He re-enters the living room and finds that it’s back to mostly normal, with no hospital bed or anything. Bella hears Jacob enter and her face lights up.

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What do I look like? A writer? You need some good prose? You need some good characters? TOO BAD. They’re mine. You’re not getting anything.

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Waiting for the damn book to end already. Notice something different about the chapter title? For the next ten or so chapters, the book’s narrated by Jacob instead of Bella. And if he’s anything like he was at the end of Eclipse, this is going to be painful. VERY. VERY. PAINFUL.

There’s a “preface” for this section, too. This is it, in its entirety:

Life sucks, and then you die.

Yeah, I should be so lucky.

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“Please open the door, and have him hand the money to you, I’ll collect my cut after we finished our business. How long did he request.” Her voice was sounding more professional though Rumble wished he could’ve walked in right than so he could meet this mysterious woman. His heart pounding faster as Rumble imagined what he might’ve gotten himself into. Could he run away? Could he just take his money and get the hell out of here. But he was sure they wouldn’t give him his money back,

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Twilight is already a Princess in my story, and I'm taking A Dog and Pony Show and wedging it in.

In the most seamless way possible.

Just so you know.

As Bella drifts away, she hears the sounds of a fight. Then she concludes she’s dead, because she hears the voice of an angel. Guess who the “angel” is. You never thought you were dead before when you heard his voice, why start now? And, seriously, even when it’s obvious it’s Edward, she keeps referring to him as “the angel” for pages. It might’ve been to convey her state of shock, but it didn’t do a very good job. Anyway, Edward, Carlisle, and Alice work together to try to stem Bella’s

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If it means this book is finally over, yes it’s happy.

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…snrk. Yeah, right.

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Bella turns into a vampire and it hurts.

And that’s literally the whole chapter.

I am not fucking kidding.

We go back to Bella’s perspective right as she vomits blood. We get a brief recap of what she saw from the last chapter, only with a lot of descriptions of pain. Bella manages to cling to consciousness long enough to see (blalgh) Renesmee before blacking out.

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…There really aren’t. This is ugly.

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Edward and Carlisle are unable to find Irina, so they let the matter drop. Days go by with nothing bad happening, so the Cullens decide to go about business as usual. But one day, while arranging some vases, Alice gets a vision so shocking that she drops one: the Volturi are coming for the Cullens. All of them. They’ll be arriving in about a month. Because there’s so many of them, it can’t just be to check up on Bella’s current life/undeath status; it’s about Nessie. When Irina saw Nessie

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Too-much-bullshit alert.

Jacob, Leah, and Seth run another patrol around the Cullen house, and I feel like I’ve said something along those lines twenty times in the past eight chapters. Leah awkwardly thanks Jacob for putting up with her and promises to try to not get on his nerves. They do nothing of consequence for nine pages and this book is so padded a La-Z-Boy factory would find it excessive. Eventually, Leah speaks up again:

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To explain Carlisle and his past to Bella more, Edward takes her into Carlisle’s room, to show her some pictures of the time period. Carlisle himself is still there, reading, and the only reason he doesn’t tell the story himself is because he’s running late. To his job as a doctor. Where he saves people’s lives. BECAUSE HE WAS READING.

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As Bella and Edward head back to her house, Edward promptly gives us another reason to hate his guts while listening to the radio:

“You like fifties music?” I asked.

“Music in the fifties was good. Much better than the sixties, or the seventies, ugh!” He shuddered.

So…

…these…

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