Quick disclaimer: this isn’t going to be a “review” review, where I give some sort of score. For one, I don’t think that’s exactly helpful, because quantifying quality is a bit strange to me. I believe every story can be good and improved simultaneously, and a score won’t help the same way that an in-depth analysis and response would. And for another: I don’t know how to score a piece anyway.

Edit: Linked the story because I forgot to!

Story’s synopsis:

Equestrian Listening Outpost Hotel Echo One-One (ELO HE1-1) is tasked with monitoring the sensor array located on the eastern end of Mount Massive and investigating any anomalous readings or activation of any sensor within the area.

Some initial thoughts before reading:

The tags already provide a certain ethos to this story, though that shouldn’t be surprising to anyone: horror and thriller go quite nicely together, after all. Admittedly, horror isn’t something I normally read, though this has less to do with an aversion to it and simply me not getting myself involved in the genre. Based on the tags, I can assume that this story, since it has Minuette on it (lovely pony, by the way), probably has something to do with time shenanigans of the horrific kind. “Discursive” means, after all, passing aimlessly from one subject to another, a digression and rambling kind of progression (discounting the alternate, “discourse,” used in argument circles). “Discursive Formations” therefore might mean, essentially, “startling formations,” perhaps things involving the time-space continuum and mishandled sensors. In an arctic environment that the synopsis provides as the setting, that, no doubt, will create terrifying consequences for Minuette and this Other character tag. 

One final thought: ELO HE1-1. Hmm. HE1-1. Hmm. But maybe that’s just a too close of a reading.

Post-Reading: So, I was wrong in my guess. Well, that’s all right! You can only be so right when you’re guessing, anyway.

Summary: This story follows a team of station operators at Equestrian Listening Outpost Hotel Echo One-One. Under normal circumstances (can they really be normal?) they’re set to monitor any anomalies that pass their sensor arrays, and up to this point they’ve only received false alarms. Strangely, though, the team, which consists of Midnight Strike, Cherry Berry, Minuette, Caramel, and Braeburn, don’t actually know what kinds of anomalies they’re supposed to be looking out for—the team is on a “need to know basis” with Overwatch. Under such pretenses, it’s understandable that the general attitude felt by everypony, minus one peppy Minuette, is one of lethargy and general frustration over such vague orders. As such, when the station picks up yet another false alarm midway through the story, the ponies assume that it’s just another false alarm, and decide to let it ring out.

The crisis begins, however, when Midnight Strike notes that there is a second alarm tripped in sector six. Cherry Berry decides to send Minuette to check it out, since sectors five and six are so close. In the process of this, though, Midnight sees that sensors seven and eight are going off, warranting a full-on tech team. Frustrated and growing no doubt weary of the situation, Cherry Berry’s attitude continues to worsen when she gets called by Overwatch to inform her that all Hotel Echo outposts are in Code-4 status—whatever that means, the reader and even Midnight Strike are left in the dark, though it’s clear that it’s serious enough for Cherry to ask Midnight to recall Minuette. 

However, as Midnight discovers, that’s not so simple. Minuette has seemingly gone out on her own and has encountered something dangerous outside. Midnight tries to bring her back, but the doors freeze up. And if that wasn’t bad enough, Minuette appears behind her, having just finished putting on her equipment. Both Minuettes express confusion about the other, and insist that they’re the real one; the one left outside is still screaming at Midnight to let her in before she dies, while the one inside insists that whatever is outside must be dangerous itself. The story ends with Midnight making a decision—the result of which is left ambiguous. 

What Works:

Horror, if I’m understanding it correctly, functions best in a written setting when only enough of the content is revealed to trigger the fear-receptors in a reader’s brain. It’s best to be vague so as to not detract from the biggest fear, as Lovecraft put it: that of the unknown—but it is also important to try to be specific in the perception of that thing, in order to get the reader to feel what the character is feeling. 

This story functions in a similar way, by keeping the “danger” as vague and as outside the text as much as possible. It begins with the fact that the station is left in the dark over a lot of things, primarily its goal and what it should be looking out for. When I read that, I already knew that they would therefore be confronted with something they could not describe, or at least that the author couldn’t for sake of preserving that ambiguity. This did not detract from the experience, however; rather, it created a kind of dramatic tension, which is necessary for a lot of horror dramas and thrillers. 

Dramatic tension as a tool forces the audience to continue through the work, because they simultaneously want the characters to learn what they know, and also to not learn such things. There’s plenty of theory about the appeal of morbidity and horror itself, throwing words such as “catharsis” around as though they are the only explanations available. 

So what is the source of the horror in this story? Beyond the fact that it’s the unknown itself, it’s the fear on the part of Midnight Strike that Minuette isn’t who she thinks she is. Or, at least, that the Minuette she sent outside is not the Minuette she had been in the same room with just a few scenes before. The same applies to the Minuette who appears behind her. 

Though the idea of the faux-clone is a trope itself, it works well here for a few reasons. But the most pressing is the fact that time is played around considerably. It goes beyond condensing the events into a narrative space. The Red Parade has planted throughout the beginning of the story this idea that time, here, at least at this particular station, is not to be trusted. 

The entire team is waiting for time to pass, after all: time to pass for the blast doors to open and close to allow Caramel and Braeburn entrance; and time to pass for Midnight’s shift to end. Plus, there’s the fact that, as revealed in Cherry’s quote here:

“Let’s wait out the storm.

… there’s a storm outside. The storm allows for time to be condensed even further, because now everything is written in relation to the possibility of the storm passing or not passing. Time slows in this setting. And finally, there are at least two points where time is directly mentioned:

Midnight watched as the two stallions went deeper into the base, talking amongst themselves. She leaned back and stretched before checking her watch again. Still four more hours.

It seemed like an eternity had passed, but somehow, Midnight still had half an hour left in her shift

So it’s clear that time is passing, but for better or for worse, it’s passing at a rate that is perceptibly slower than normal. This may be due to the need to use a turn of phrase such as “It seemed like an eternity”, but if we continue this thematic trend, we see that it is actually effective as a technique for inciting horror. Why?

Think about it this way. Midnight has half an hour left in her shift. But prior to her shift ending, events unfold as such: sensors are tripped; Minuette is sent out; Cherry receives from Overwatch that everything is ramped up to Code-4; Midnight has to retrieve Minuette from outside; and Midnight realizes that there are now two Minuettes. 

That’s a lot to condense into thirty minutes, but if we assume that time is functioning abnormally at this moment, it may explain a few things, or at least start to illuminate the possibilities. 

The inciting question, by the end of this piece, is who is the real Minuette? As readers, and as Midnight, we are left unsure. That’s where the horror stems from, that unknown. However, in the context of abnormal time being a thematic motif here, we can at least start asking how we might go about figuring that out, whether or not the author intended us to. 

For instance, we might follow this particular line of thought: in the thirty minutes that Midnight had left, wherein all those events happened, what’s more likely, that Minuette was able to suit up, go outside, and check the sensors, or that Minuette only finished suiting up? 

I’d therefore like to believe that the Minuette who’s inside is the real Minuette, for the reason above, and also because the one outside is being wonderfully vague. That’s enough for cause for alarm, on my part. These “things” which are going to kill her aren’t explained or described. Plus, there’s the manner by which this Minuette starts talking at the very end. I don’t believe it can be explained away by mere panic. The use of “compromised” feels so jolting that it seems purposefully wrong. 

The alternative take, of course, is that this is some sort of time loop, and both Minuettes are true, and also false, but that’s beyond my expertise. 

What Might Need Work:

The other characters don’t have much presence throughout the story. I understand this was a speed-writing exercise, so a certain level of leeway is warranted. However, it feels that Braeburn and Caramel, along with Cherry Berry, recede a bit too quickly into the background of the story. I would not expect them to take central stage, since this is Midnight’s perspective we’re dealing with, but the fact that their presence fades as easily in and as easily out is curious, considering the circumstances. 

You may consider getting Cherry Berry’s perspective, if you would like to expand on the entire occasion. She goes into the armory, and that’s that for her “arc.” But does Midnight let Cherry know what’s happening with Minuette? For that matter, where are Braeburn and Caramel? Are they aware of the situation? With all the shouting, wouldn’t they? 

These are stickler points, though. I’m of the mind that a reviewer should look first and primarily at a story for what it is, not what it could be. 

So, looking at it for what it is, I am left wondering this: where is the story writing itself towards? 

I believe that the buildup to revealing the two Minuettes was good, but after that reveal, the story meanders on the point. That may be because of all the buildup getting in the way. It feels to me that the story was supposed to end after Midnight realizes that there are two Minuettes, and not necessarily that she has to make a decision. Otherwise, the horror element also meanders, and therefore lessens. It may be worth cutting a couple hundred words from the beginning—perhaps even the transitory section between when Caramel and Braeburn return and when Code-4 status is advised. That way, you could get closer and sooner to the actual horror element, and still keep it vague enough to have the same impact. The story, to me, is more of a 1500-1800 story, rather than a 2300-word one. 

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Thanks for the review! I do agree with your viewpoint on scoring stories, it's why I've experimented with scoreless reviews myself. And forgive me if I'm wrong, but it seems like you've also got a quite a bit of literary knowledge in you!

No, you weren't overthinking with 'HE1-1,' that was intentional on my part. Congratulations on being the first to catch on to that! Your point on the passage of time is very fascinating, as it's something that I wasn't consciously thinking about when I wrote this story. I think you said 'half an hour passed between Cherry and Midnight going to overwatch and coming back,' but I intentionally didn't mention a period of time in between here because that would have supported either version of Minuette to be the 'real one' and I wanted it to go either way.

Speaking of which, you're the second person to guess that the Minuette inside is the real one! The point on the other characters is quite valid, however the story is also participating in the May Pariings contest which requires a focus on two ponies, therefor I didn't want to overcrowd the story with others.

And as for which Minuette was the real one... I never decided!

Thanks again for the review again! If you're looking to make this a regular thing, you might want to consider applying here as a reviewer, you're very good at it!

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I believe my editor and beta readers thought that the one outside was real, which is again fascinating to me.

I believe I commented rather extensively on why the one inside is more likely to be the real one

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You're correct, my mistake! The correct count is two think the one outside is real and two think the one inside is real!

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I'm glad you found the review helpful! And while I appreciate the offer to become a full-fledged reviewer, I don't think that right now I would have as much opportunity for that as I'd prefer. Still, I'll definitely consider it.

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And forgive me if I'm wrong, but it seems like you've also got a quite a bit of literary knowledge in you!

I have a bit, I suppose. I've done some reading on literary theory and criticism, so I have a bit of an idea of either. Most of my knowledge comes from observation and my own conclusions, though.