Anyone willing to explain critiques? I sent this in mostly out of boredom and to see what a "serious" critique of fan fiction would be. Here's what I got back:

Response (strike one of three):

Hello there TheAlmightySage, name omitted of Equestria Daily here, at your service. I regret to inform you that your work isn't fit for publication on EqD at this time. Major issues at this juncture include but are not limited to:

- Talking heads
- Show vs. tell
- what seems to be a majorly close, if not almost outright plagarizing of the first episode of the 'Spice and Wolf' series
- dry descriptions
- use of numbers below one hundred without spelling them out (as is stylistically correct in several writing manuals)

All of the above issues were found within the first chapter alone. As a fan of 'Spice and Wolf' myself, might I suggest taking your work over to Ponychan's fic board and seeing if you could recruit an editor or three to take a look into it to help you out? There's potential here, but it's currently being strangled by the issues I've found.

All the best

I'm bored and willing to listen to any explanations, comments, and suggestions.

I suggest that you remove the talking heads.

595022
Here's your answer:
They only want fan fictions that they deem noteworthy to put on their website.

595036
And what's a talking head from a writing perspective?

595037
Here for suggestions not opinions.

595039
I don't fucking know.

595046
Me neither. I've re-read it repeatedly and I'm not seeing how talking heads applies, but the whole plagiarizing comment makes me think his personal opinion bar is set too high. Like most fans who take things too seriously.

595042>>595046
I believe it's actually a fact, but alright. Anyway, you're only hope is to heavily edit your story again. Follow the guidelines that guy told you about.
(Just found out that Talking Heads are very extended dialogue conversations between characters. It means that the characters are doing nothing but talking.)

>Talking heads
What the buque is that supposed to mean?

595058
I know what it is and Spice and Wolf in the original light novel has a lot if dialogue that explains things as the story goes on. So there's that.

595055
Well I can't give you much as far as plagiarism because I don't know what wolf whatever is...so I'll just give you this picture I made.

595061
Talking Heads are very extended dialogue conversations between characters. It means that the characters are doing nothing but talking.

595079
Fuck superman. Batman is best man in tights.

595080 Oh

595022

- Show vs. tell

This is a writing technique problem. Tell is the bad one you don't want. It means you "hand" the reader information, rather than writing in a way that gets them to experience it instead.

Tell: She was mad at me.
Show: She clenched her fists, and glared at me.

See how the second is more interesting, and visceral. You see it. It appeals to your sense of sight and the reader concludes the character is angered instead of being told. It's a really tough issue when writing because it takes a lot of creativity to fix. There's a lot more that can be said on this, but this is the quick explanation.

- what seems to be a majorly close, if not almost outright plagarizing of the first episode of the 'Spice and Wolf' series

Wow, that's weird. I've seen Spice and Wolf (good series btw) but I can't say I've read your thing so I can't comment.

- dry descriptions

When there are descriptions they aren't very detailed or are basic. Pretty self explanatory. Would have helped if he cited something.

- use of numbers below one hundred without spelling them out (as is stylistically correct in several writing manuals)

if you write something big, type numericals. Anything below one hundred is spelled out. Ex: Today 40,845 penguins exploded next to two glaciers.

I'd have to take a look to truly help you. I'm not really accepting anything right now (Too busy) but I'll answer questions. It was good of him to suggest Ponychan's fic board. Those guys are amazing. However, the site has moved to MLPchan.org recently, so maybe go there if your serious about this.

595086
I'd have figured the Paul McCartney head would garner more attention.

595086
I went and checked on talking heads and I've actually heard of this before. It's just not that common of a problem, so I had forgotten what it was called.

As ChaoticNote said, there are long chunks of dialogue. As with any writing you want to vary your structure as well as maintain a clear and detailed image for the reader. If you add things such as reactions, mannerisms, small actions, etc you bring the conversation to life, rather than having it feel like a bunch of bros sitting around with blank faces and just rambling on.

If you care: http://www.thinkage.ca/~jim/prose/talkingheads.htm

Also, F**K EQD anyways. They don't accept what is necessarily the best. If you watch what gets there, sure it's well written, but it's all too often the same old feel goods or sad fics. I see discrimination.

595089
The show vs. tell is mostly legitimate. It's a bad habit from having a dick head English Prof who though Hemingway was god.

The plagiarism I think is bullshit personal opinion.

Dry descriptions do happen, but editor and I usually catch them.

Numbers is a personal thing. I believe showing a number (using 65 instead of sixty five) has more dramatic effect.

I can understand you being busy and all. However if you have the interest and spare time I'd love to get detailed critiques.

595105
Hmm I'll take that into consideration. Thank you

595109

I can understand you being busy and all. However if you have the interest and spare time I'd love to get detailed critiques.

Aw damn, I can't believe I'm going through and accepting another editing job so soon. Alright fine. Since you seem to earnestly want help then I can't say no to an honest writer wanting to improve.

I'm with 'Proofreaders and People willing to proof-read' on the expert page (<- I don't deserve it). Just make Gdoc and do step 4: (Once the proofreader has finished, send a PM to Meeester with the name of the proofreader, your story title, and any/all feedback you have. Please include any complaints you have as well so that we may act accordingly). I'll give your story a quick look over.

595139
Google doc? Don't hold your breathe friend. I have no google account and no working computer. I'm doing everything off my phone.

595156

How did you write the story then?

Clearly what you should do is rip off the naked catgirl part of Spice and Wolf.

Yes I know she's a wolf but it's the principle of the thing.

595168
A notepad app. All 16k words even this right now. On. My. Phone.
I had to memorize all the syntax for things like italics, bold, etc.

595181
Ponyville is a nudist colony so I doubt that'd work out.

595185
Well, I definitely can't give a detailed critique otherwise. You could try and make one; It's easy. Or I could just give a shallow lookover and PM you about it, but I'm bound to come up with the same critiques as the EQD guy, if not more.

It's up to you I guess, but if you want it done via fimfiction and PMs don't tell anybody. I'm obligated to pre-read what's sent to me and I can't play favorites saying one person gets to bypass the Gdoc requirement and others don't, so for the love of god, please make everything easier and just give making a Gdoc a try.

595241
No problem. My comp should be fixed next month-ish. Meanwhile I'll see if can link YouTube account to gdocs.

595039
Sections full of dialogue and no action. By most critics it is looked upon as filler text to fill the word limit.

It's funny when people critique work and go "show, don't tell."

But instead of telling me what I did wrong, why don't they show the errors of my ways and help me? I dislike it when someone says that they have spot out a spelling mistake or something, but they don't show where it is. Like I'm supposed to know where every single mistake is even with the help of a spell-checker and a proof reader.

595324
We don't have the time for that, and we aren't an editing service. Sorry.

595374

I'm not talking about EQD, I've never submitted a story to there.

I just mean in general when people try and point out mistakes and errors in stories.

595378
Well, if you're looking for in-depth reviews that cover all of the issues, you need to ask for one. If you just say "review my story," 9/10 times they're going to give you a generalization of what's wrong.

595022
The problem is that EqD allows their reviewers to take opinions into account when they decide whether to accept your story or not.

I can tell you, right now, that no matter what you do to your story, it won't be getting accepted.

595374
THIS
However finding a good editor can be a pain. Yet, with a good editor and/or a lot of time to kill one can hammer out most details. Plus there's sites like this one with people who can help.

595405
Eh I mostly submitted it out of boredom and curiosity. I was not expecting it to get posted.

595405
Well that's just plain wrong. We accept plenty of stories after edits are made to them, however, most authors don't care enough to make those edits.

595422
That does seem to be the pattern.

I'll probably do some editing and rewriting, since I have nothing better to do at my job anyways.

OP, you have done one thing entirely wrong.

You are trying to take an EqD pre reader seriously.

That will always, and only, end in failure.

I thank Celestia that we have avenues such as this fine site to post our work to, because EqD stifles and chokes so much creativity from our fanbase it should be criminal.

595022
>Talking heads
This means you have dialogue scenes in which characters talk back and forth with next to no significant action around it, causing the section to read like a script. They'll completely accept having characters talk back and forth with no action, if there is a good reason for it, such as intentional lack of information:

"Did you get the stuff?"
"Yeah."
"Where's Tony?"
"He didn't make it."
"... Shit. Man, what are we supposed to do? This was a four man job."
"Just stick to the plan. I'll fill in for Tony... You ready?"
"..."
"Okay, let's go."
The back of the van opened, exposing the streets to the three heavily armed bank robbers.

Quick back and forth banter:

"Knock knock," Twilight said.
"Who's there?"
"To."
"To who?"
Twilight cleared her throat. "It's to whom," she said, smiling smugly.
Rarity wrinkled her nose. "That was not at all funny."

>Show vs. Tell
bad name for it, it's supposed to be "Show; don't tell" which actually tells you which you're supposed to be doing more of (although every story has some tell for the sake of pacing).
There are some tells you can do as a stylistic choice, or as a choice of pacing. When someone says show don't tell is something wrong with your fic, it means you're telling without reason.

"I don't love you."
Stormchaser felt crushed.

This is weaker by a magnitude than:

"I don't love you."
Stormchaser felt her stomach leap into her throat and her tongue go dry. Those four words echoed in her ears, and she felt herself shrink a little each time they did.

Showing is almost always much longer than telling. When you read the second example and ask "Is she crushed?" the answer would most likely be yes, but it describes it in a much more visceral way that lets the reader conclude other emotions. "Is she in shock? Does she feel hopeless?" the last two questions aren't answered by the first example, but they could be answered by the second.

>plagiarism
EqD doesn't like regurgitated storylines. That is, fanfics that just retell events from an episode of mlp, or any other existing story. If you're trying to write a pony fic similar to Spice and Wolf, you should probably try to differentiate it in terms of story and characters a bit more. If you aren't, watch the first episode of the show to try to understand how you copied it.

>Dry descriptions
generalization is the death of vivid imagery.

Twilight wore a blue scarf and a pair of earrings. A light blue eyeshadow lined her eyes, and her lashes were darkened by mascara.

vs.

A blue and navy blue wool scarf wrapped tightly around Twilight's neck, and a pair of silver sapphire earrings glinted in the dim light. She bashed her eyes, her eyelashes long and darkened by mascara, with her eyes holding a silver-blue streak of eyeshadow that wrapped around them.

Example 2:
The castle was old and dusty, and Twilight had to suppress a sneeze as she entered the chamber.

vs.

The castle was old, and nopony must have been there for hundreds of years. Dust hung frozen in the air, visible in the light from the open door behind her. A familiar smell, withered parchment, met Twilight's nose, and she looked to see bookshelves along the walls to her sides as she entered, coated with a thick layer of gray dust. At the opposite end of the room, a throne lay empty.

make sure you describe things that add to the atmosphere/setting/mood. You don't want to bore the reader with a page long description of someone's morning routine.

>use words for numbers below one hundred.
it's more like, only use numbers for numbers that are more than two words. One thousand should be in print, 1,005 should be in numbers.
Hopefully this helps

Also, ignore the people complaining about the EqD prereaders; they just don't want to get better.

596828
Noted and thanks.

596969
Oh I absolutely agree.

[Disclaimer--I don't actually HATE Equestria Daily, but this is a comment on Show v. Tell and the Editor's Omnibus]596828

The example given here, and the example given in the Editor's Omnibus, are classic examples of why I do not think this criticism always works. If "Showing is almost always much longer than telling," then I think you are doing it wrong.

While it is true that this is very dry--
"Twilight was tired because she had stayed up too late the night before reading an old astronomy textbook, and that was making her letter to Princess Celestia very difficult to write."

-- this, in my opinion, is too damned long:

"For what seemed like the hundredth time, Twilight's head drooped towards the wrinkled yellow parchment lying on the desk before her. As her snout touched down with a painful thump, the purple-furred unicorn's head snapped back up, her eyes widening in shock for a second or two before crumpling into a scowl. She'd been sitting here for, what, twenty minutes now? And all she had to show for it was a splitting headache and a single line at the top of her paper: "Dear Princess Celestia..."

Twilight snorted and brought a hoof up to her forehead, the air feeling thick as molasses as she tried to lift her foreleg all the way up to her frazzled maneline. This wasn't that hard. This couldn't possibly be that hard. She'd been writing these letters every other Friday for the past year now, and she'd never had one single, solitary problem with it. And now: nothing. Her brain was on lockdown, and her eyes felt like something had dusted them with sand overnight. She could almost hear Spike's gratingly disapproving tone: Serves you right for staying up so late with your horn stuck in some chemistry textbook.

"First of all, it was astronomy," Twilight mumbled through clenched teeth at the reproachful baby dragon inside her head. "And second of all..."

A rogue beam of sunlight glanced off a nearby vase and flared out across the desk, sending Twilight's stomach into a tailspin. "...just shut up," she finished as her head fell onto her letter again. This time, it stayed there."

Check your copy of Strunk and White. How much of this is necessary? How much of it helps? Does this advance the storyline? Since we're reading a fanfic, presumably we know who Twilight Sparkle is and what she looks like. Do we need "purple-furred unicorn?" It isn't as though we're in any doubt about the prime subject here. There's no other character in sight. Do we need "single" AND "solitary?" Do we need the bit about what Spike would think? I look at this and think "argh, overwritten. Go back and cut out two-thirds of it and bring it back."

Personally, I tend towards too many proper names, and I've started to get rid of them, even when I think it makes the pronouns confusing. It's an experiment, and I'm not sure it's working. But dear Celestia, rather a thousand times a few extra "Pinkie Pie"s than all those coat colors.

Showing might be a bit longer than telling, but it shouldn't be that much longer than telling. The writer needs to figure out how to convey the same ideas in a way that is active and concrete, but compact.

This may not help your fic to be accepted by EQD. The prereaders have a house style and distinct preferences, and God bless 'em: so does every literary agent, editor, and publishing house. It is, however, the advice I would and do give to my students. "Do you need that? Is it useful? No? Get rid of it."

Just my two bits, and something that has been worrying me for a while.

Tiny edit: The "showing vs. telling" isn't likely to happen in your first draft. I almost always have to go back, change things, and layer the action and description on top of what I already have.

602338
A show is often much longer than a tell (twice as long or more) but it really does depend on the matter. Showing something one line long could potentially take 2 pages even, so to that effect I'd say it does make it longer (as a generalization). Secondly, having reviewed some 50-odd works, the ones that have a problem with show; don't tell become much longer after their edits. Showing rather than telling so consistently lengthens writing, that a well known author, Chuck Palahnuik refers to it as "unpacking" here (http://fychuckpalahniuk.tumblr.com/post/9285901274/thought-verbs-by-chuck-palahniuk)

Also, your examples don't really make a point except that both versions suck. Therefor, the smart choice would be not to write that thing at all. No, you don't want to have trivial details or boring details be unpacked to be even longer, but a good writer tries not to have those in the first place, even if it's short. Telling has its place, but until you know what that it should simply be avoided for the sake of your writing's quality in the mean time.

604634 Well, that IS in the EQD Editor's Omnibus as the example of "show, not tell." In fact, it's the only example of "show, not tell." If it isn't good, and it seems you agree with me that it isn't, that "good" example should be changed to something better. Perhaps the Editor's Omnibus needs to be edited, throwing out that example that "sucks" with your explanation here.

That's really the only issue that I have. I think it's a bad idea to have the "good advice" handbook contain bad advice.

EDIT: Also, just looked at the Chuck Palahnuik advice segment, and I don't think some of that is very good, either. "Faking" twice is unnecessarily repetitious. I'll take Elmore Leonard instead. http://www.nytimes.com/2001/07/16/arts/writers-writing-easy-adverbs-exclamation-points-especially-hooptedoodle.html

I may not always follow his advice, and I know that sometimes my writing needs improvement. I still think this is a better benchmark.

595378
I'm a member/editor for the group Overly-Extensive Editors We're a group dedicated to working alongside writers to help them improve their writing. Give us a look if you'd like. I won't twist your arm about it.