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EI Can('t)Handle This!

• MLP: FiM
• Comedy
• Random

With an energetic filly princess, there's no such thing as a quiet day for Cadence.

• Alt. Universe
• Cadance
• Flurry Heart

SunTwi06 · 3.4k words  ·  53  3 · 1k views

Being a Mom Ain't Easy
[I Can('t) Handle This!]
By SunTwi06

Description:
Just when Cadence is prepped for a period of R&R, she is suddenly thrust into filly-sitting for Flurry Heart. Sounds easy enough, but then again... you'd be wrong. A wild day of crazy shenanigans ensues between a mother and a daughter.

Before you proceed, please do be warned that there are major spoilers. By major, I mean completely spoiling the story. If you haven’t read it before, I suggest you do so before reading this review.

Initial thoughts:
Ooh, looks like a simple SoL to enjoy, gonna just jump into this without- jkjk! Note for self, wouldn't filly-sitting for your own daughter be easier?

Thoughts after reading the story

It is a rather quiet, uneventful day in the land of Equestria. Miles away from the neighboring kingdom that makes up Equestria, hidden in the frozen North, the Crystal Empire sits peacefully. Inside one of the many rooms of the castle, Princess Mi Amora Cadenza or Cadence simply, lounges about on her couch enjoying some well-earned R&R. With no official kingdom business to attend to nor any opposing threats to keep track of, no sense in keeping appearances either.

There she lies upon a couch made fit for a princess. Wrapped in a dark grey hoodie, the hat covering the messy mane, her long tail lounging off the edge, and a hot cup of tea in her magical grip. And with no other pony to bother her, life does not get any better than this.

*KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!*

Her ears flick upward, her head is drawn toward the sound of knocking. A sigh escapes her lips, as she adjusts the loose strands hanging over her face. She slowly lifts herself out the cage, strolls down the castle halls, before making for the door. But before she leaves, she discards the hoodie toward the side and quickly straightens her mane, in the event some pony very important came.

I have major gripes with these first few paragraphs. Major gripes.

First of all, the exposition is too heavy, pushing away casual readers. If I hadn't been reading this for a review, I would have clicked off here, I'm sorry to say.

Next, the grammar has no obvious mistake, but your writing style is too dry, making it seem like a simple narration to set the scene and just generally regurgitate a large pile of exposition.

Of course, I understand that it is your writing method, and I can't just state that it is wrong, but this is something you might want to take note of for further stories if you wish to keep people reading.

Right, so, content.

The story is basically describing a day in the life of Princess Cadance/Cadence, (whichever floats your boat, but I'm gonna use Cadance), and her filly-sitting her own daughter because Shining Armor was too busy and he didn't want to disturb Twilight.

Later, shenanigans ensue and we involve lots of getting mildly injured and pretending to be Fluttershy. Then of course, Fluttershy turns up(why not? Plot convenience!), then agrees to help even though she has something on. Also, not going to lie, if a filly throws shards of plastic at you, I'm pretty sure ducking or dodging is the best idea, not just take it.

Oh, and not to mention we have Flurry capturing Angel Bunny and making him play with her "Whammy". Pretty normal SoL...wait, why is there just a random snail-? We then have a game of chase with mother and filly, before mother eventually catches her daughter. To end off the story, Fluttershy has to go, and so leaves Angel in Cadance's care. A decent ending, and the way they end off Angel vs Cadance...

I don't really have an issue with the content, honestly. My main issue is the way the author goes about it, making the writing extremely dry and boring. Of course, it's a pretty decent read if you ignore the blatant exposition.

Now, for the pacing and writing.

The first few paragraphs were blatant rushing and exposition so that the author could write the main section, which I am not satisfied with, unfortunately. Afterwards, they slow it down, but at some point time skipped without warning, which made my reading experience slightly jarring.

Oh, and did I mention the author switches from past and present tense at times? (I think, comment below if I'm wrong)

Grammar:4/10

Not the best grammar, below are some mistakes to take note of.

She slowly lifts herself out the cage, strolls down the castle halls, before making for the door.

Out the cage? Missing word there!

 The eyes between husband-and-wife glance at one another, as if mentally agreeing something is up.

I'd suggest writing "Mentally agreeing that something is/was up"

Before her very eyes, Flurry Heart uses her insane magic to send all her stuff animals flying all over her bedroom.

Stuffed animals.

The panic and anxiety starts to form,

The s in "starts" is redundant, I think.

 She races up the stairs and rounds every corner the castle trying to find her daughter somehow.

"Of" the castle.

She finds herself racing back toward the top of stairs when Flurry Heart teleports in front of her, fluttering down the stairs before her mother can catch her.

"Top of the stairs."

She sits back on the floor, her numb face turning toward a discarded stuff animal in which case resembles a bunny.

As stated earlier, stuffed animal.

For the millionth time in her career, Cadence is often the butt of jokes either being captured or never having a chance to shine.

Something doesn't sit write with this sentence...

Cadence practically forces herself to smile at Angel, but Angel is practically the obvious.

What's this supposed to mean?

Suffice to say, the women tried every tactic:

Women? Shouldn't it be "mares"?

And yet… yet when Cadence turns back to Flurry’s eyes, she can see such great measure of curiosity.

"Such a great"

She turns toward Fluttershy and one look in each other’s eyes it is vastly clear they share the same idea.

"And with one look"

Story Content:6/10

A simple story with a simple storyline, but not the best execution.

Pacing: 5/10

Rushed at the start, slows out later on but needs to improve in this area.

Characters: 4/10

Characters aren't written the best. Cadance and Fluttershy are really dry, which threw me off a little.

Final Ratings and Comments:

4.7/10. All in all, a decent storyline and a cute story, but the execution needs to be improved. It was decent, so don't be discouraged, SunTwi! Try to improve, and you can definitely do better! Keep writing!

<For archive purposes: 4.7/10>

Well, this is... unfortunate considering how well it did. I won't deny the Grammer as I didn't notice this until long after. The only thing I question is the first part(if only because I'm confused by how it's "dry") but aside that, the review does help

7531886
Well, firstly, you just set the scene with a large amount of exposition. I'd suggest using more show, not tell, and less of the narrating.

Next, I'd enjoy this more if you added a better action/dialogue flow.