EA Chaotic Change

• MLP: FiM
• Romance
• Drama

Discord asks Fluttershy out, how will this change the relationship between her and her friends? Will she say yes?

• Fluttershy
• Rarity
• Discord

Nailah · 2.2k words  ·  50  10 · 1.2k views

Description

Discord adores Fluttershy, and would rip apart dimensions for her, so asking her to be his marefriend seemed like a good idea at the time.

Fluttershy has always admired Discord, and how every moment with him was full of new experiences and joy, but when he asks her out, she isn't sure what to say. She seeks advice from the one pony she knows, that might be able to help her figure out the next step in the process. Rarity.

Initial Thoughts

I’m a Fluttercord shipper. Sue me. :P

Nailah knows I’m a sucker for Romance and Drama stories, so I must admit a level of bias in approaching this story. This story also has best pony in it taking the role of advisor, which is a nice touch. 

Onto the story. Spoilers ahead.

Summary

Upon Discord asking her if she would be his special somepony, Fluttershy is faced with a dilemma. On one hand, she knows she cares for Discord, even loves him, but as this is such a huge next step, she worries that things between herself and her friends will irrevocably change. She goes to Rarity for advice, and Rarity reassures her that though this is indeed a huge upset in the normalcy of their lives, it will change nothing; they will still all be friends. She encourages Fluttershy to take the chance, seize her happiness, be in love, and so Fluttershy does.

Plot

This is not your standard romance - a phrase I’ve been saying a lot about many of the Romance fics I’ve reviewed. Rather than focusing on the chase, this is about the moment really after it, the moment that a character is supposed to step across the threshold to the unknown new world, as Joseph Campbell put it. 

So it becomes paramount to examine not necessarily the romance aspect of things, but that moment between trepidation and actualization—that is, the dramatic pause between Fluttershy either accepting or rejecting Discord. I must also take into account that this is a speedwrite, which means that in terms of necessary development, some things must be taken out of the equation; the nature of speedwrites is, after all, quickly written stories that may not have the benefit of a fine-toothed comb. 

Let me begin with the logic of the narrative as its own separate entity. For me, it makes sense that Fluttershy should go to Rarity, since she is the pony most attuned to all things love (to what extent, well, that’s up to the fans). I was surprised, however, that this wasn’t necessarily the main justification. Rarity is actually in a relationship already, albeit a polyamorous one (I hope I’m using that term correctly; basically she’s with Fancy Pants, who’s also with Fleur). So, Rarity actually has characterized authority for what role she ultimately plays.

This also feeds into a bit of nuance with the message. Rarity’s relationship is unique, but it serves as the foil to what Fluttershy’s relationship is. Fluttershy recalls how the other Mane Six reacted to the news, and her worry about what her future might bring parallels her own reaction to Rarity’s situation. As such, this isn’t just a story about choosing love and happiness, though ultimately it is that; it is also a story about accepting change, things that are inevitable, or perhaps, more bluntly, accepting that we all want and need different things out of life and love. 

More or less, this is the summary of my impressions reading the story, and my overall impression of the plot is that, for a speedwrite, it has some nice strategies involved. Parallel story structure exists here, to some extent, and however intentional it was, the foil conflict works well with establishing justified fear on the part of Fluttershy. So I think the story works well from these standpoints.

That said, I did feel that Rarity’s advice was handed out a bit too quickly. I may understand that it was bound to happen, but it presents itself almost matter-of-factly, rather than going into some more detail and tension. The tension, meanwhile, relies heavily on Fluttershy’s internal monologue—itself a great narrative tool—but if it’s solved too quickly, it makes the emphasis within the story feel a bit off. 

Perhaps a more specific way to put it is that I would have liked to see a bit more “actualization” of Fluttershy’s fears. Beyond just the fear that things will forever change between herself and her friends, what else might this look like? Will Fluttershy have to contend with Discord’s, I dunno, relatives? How will her family react? Let’s also assume that this takes place either during or after Season 9. Who’s to say Discord won’t make another Equestria-affecting mistake? 

And one final matter: how the conversation between the Mane Six ends. There’s a red-herring, of sorts, an allusion to another adventure, that doesn’t really go anywhere. I’m not sure for what reason it was thrown in, either for a comedic moment or to reach the minimum word count, but either way, it feels like this scene and sub-plot should have ended after the Six came to terms with Rarity’s revelation. 

These are, ultimately, empty wishes, though, since it was a speedwrite. As an enjoyable piece of fluff, though some parts came off as stiff, I more-or-less enjoyed the decisions the author made. It may not be perfectly executed due to constraints, but it functions as it wants to function.

Score - 7 / 10 

Characterization 

Let me begin first by determining who our “flat” characters are and who our “round” characters are. Such a distinction is important when considering the usage of multiple characters within a story.

Perhaps ironic to the source material, the Mane Six really are the “flat” characters. They have one scene together, the get-together, where Rarity reveals her relationship status, and beyond what Rarity ends up doing for the rest of the narrative, none actually show up. But that’s actually fine, because in such a scene, the Six function as they should; supportive yet also uncertain, of differing views for what Rarity has presented, but ultimately willing to work with it. I especially liked Rainbow’s initially combative stance that gives way to a mild sense of acceptance. It demonstrates complexity, that these characters aren’t perfect by any means, and that they still will have moments of disagreements with each other. (Never mind the fact that some accept Rarity’s relationship outright, some express cautious happiness, and some are just confused.) 

But while these are “good” flat characters, there’s one character whose flatness feels wrong. That would be Discord, and the way he’s portrayed in this story feels ever so slightly off.

While this may bleed a bit into Syntax, let me draw upon a dialogue example:

“My darling and dearest Fluttershy. I simply cannot hide it any longer. I want us to be together. Would you...want me as your special somepony?” asked Discord, as a slight drop of sweat casually slid down his face. He waited patiently, hovering in the air, eyes wide with anticipation.

This is from the very beginning of the story, but it doesn’t quite sound like Discord. I don’t quite hear the whimsical trickster in him, owed to the fact that the manner of speech—strangely formal and assured—conflicts with the way he’s described as speaking, with “ as a slight drop of sweat casually slid down his face. He waited patiently, hovering in the air, eyes wide with anticipation”.

Discord may have his bouts of nervousness in the show, but this usually is preceded by flaunting arrogance, or perhaps necessary stupidity. He’s essentially both a conniving adult and a clueless child, which is why one of my favorite ways of describing him comes from an oxymoronic kenning term, that of “aged youth”. To write him is to deal with paradoxes of behavior, which should come into view with both his dialogue and actions. I assume this was attempted here, but to do that, we have to establish first some kind of strong foundation for his character. Then we are allowed to contradict it, but only then. 

If, for instance, Discord had started the day with a mild prank on Fluttershy, only to suddenly turn pale and quiet, that would establish that we’re going to face a contradiction. But as that works for who he is, we can accept that kind of nuance. 

Our two “round” characters are Fluttershy and Rarity, and while the nature of the speedwrite meant less time could be spent writing a full character journey, I got the sense that these two were meant to parallel each other in some ways. Fluttershy is timid, but she’s also assuring towards Rarity, and Rarity, while still holding some bad feelings towards Discord, generously (ha) extends her well-wishes towards Fluttershy’s happiness. 

Thus, their conversation at the Boutique feels very much in-character. Rarity may begin quickly and judging, but her heart wins out and she sees what Fluttershy really needs. And despite the contrivance of the plot due to the nature of the speedwrite, I still felt that this was exactly something that Rarity would say. 

It’s understandable. They’re best friends, after all, and though perhaps they may not quite understand the other’s life, they know it is important, and that means they can be happy for them, too. 

Fluttershy’s turn, given this, also makes sense, though perhaps it would have paid more to have her go to the other Six and discuss what Discord had said. Given their varying responses towards Rarity, it would have been interesting to see how they would have responded. Perhaps one or two would have been, “Called it!” But, again, these are empty wishes; the speedwrite constrains us all.

Score - 7 / 10 

Syntax

Grammatically I didn’t sense an issue, but some formatting and redundant connotations caught my attention.

For the first point: it is most likely an issue with Google Docs and transferring text onto FIMFic, but many paragraphs were grouped together without a space between them. This is an easy edit, but requires a fine eye, to make sure it isn’t missed.

As to the second point, what I mean is that certain phrases, while separated by text, end up having the same meaning. This results in either a case of “telling, not showing” or a bit of cliched writing.

I’ll use one example for now. Right before Fluttershy has that flashback, Nailah writes:

She remembered it vividly.

After the flashback, Nailah writes:

Fluttershy remembered that day like it was yesterday.

Both sentences have the same connotation, a clear memory, but both are heavily mired in cliched writing. We’ve all heard the phrase, “vividly remembered,” as well as, “remembering that day like it was yesterday.” This tells us that the memory is what it is, vivid, but we are told this rather than shown. I should think that a flashback in and of itself demonstrates vividity enough. Perhaps the issue is that Nailah felt a transitional sentence was needed here and there, which resulted in the tired cliche being used. 

Cliches are not, actually, bad techniques, but when we mention their poor usage, we really mean that to use them is to suggest a shortcut to what should otherwise be a conducted experience between writer and reader. Cliches are a fast track into the story’s mind, but can come across as lazy because they don’t do anything new. While they are hard to avoid when given a universal trope of writing (memory, for instance), it pays to try and make something new out of the cliche, or forgo such writing in general. 

With that said, I want to return to Discord as an example of syntax. Having already dissected one of his dialogues, let me turn to another:

“Oh Fluttershy, you don’t know how happy I am to hear that! Oh, I am just so overjoyed!” Discord shouted triumphantly as he swirled her around in a circle.

While in common speech, “oh” is a frequent filler word, here it seems to try and force a dramatic pause upon the dialogue. The first “Oh” makes sense, but the second one is a bit meh, (also because the second sentence feels redundant given the first). This also makes Discord sound just a bit inauthentic with regards to his feelings. He laces drama onto them, but that seems mean-spirited, when Nailah was instead trying to write him as being overcome with emotion.

Such a thing requires a lot of nuance, and unfortunately I do not have a set technique in mind for writing it. I would instead encourage trying to cut back on words that attempt to “push” a feeling onto the reader than simply “being” the feeling. Poetry does a great job with this, so perhaps you might want to check a few out. (The good ones, anyway.) 

Finally, one general point which I think needs to be said, is the use of “as” as a coordinating conjunction. Be careful when it is used. It suggests simultaneous occurrence as opposed to sequential, and also sometimes extends sentences past their natural breath. It’s a filler word and can be replaced with a full stop plus separate sentence-making. In the above example, you don’t need it after the dialogue tag. You can let the action Discord takes operate as its own sentence, and draw the reader’s attention implicitly towards it.

Score - 7 / 10 

Final Score - ( 7 + 7 + 7 ) / 3 = 7 / 10

Final Thoughts

This is cute fluff which suffers from mostly a lack of development due to the speedwrite into which it was entered. That said, if one takes that into account and looks at what the story actually does, one sees it as an enjoyable journey into the worries of Fluttershy. I enjoyed her character, and I enjoyed Rarity’s. Ultimately despite its flaws, I think the story manages to justify itself. Perhaps, if this was not written in a speedwrite, if it had more time to be devoted towards the process of unearthing every last bit of it, it would have scored a bit higher. 

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Truthfully, I was never a big fan of FlutterCord. In contrast to pairings like Sparity and SugarMac, I’ve always found FlutterCord to be rather bland. In every story I’ve read, the two of them would either be out of character or not written well, and that’s something that bothers me. That, and their personalities and chemistry hardly give a strong enough click for them to work as a romantic couple. At least, to me. Even in the show, I saw no potential of it ever working.