TLong Live the Queen

• MLP: FiM
• Romance
• Dark
• Adventure

The current Queen Chrysalis has been wounded beyond the healing a good feeding provides. So she invites Discord over, to perform a spell he has been helping with for centuries. Will the new Queen be able to handle the pressure? Or will she fail?

• Sex
• Gore
• Human
• Alt. Universe
• OC
• Discord
• Chrysalis
• Changelings

QueenChrysalisForever · 193k words  ·  121  16 · 3.3k views

Long Live the Queen by QueenChrysalisForever will be the longest story that I have reviewed. At almost two hundred thousand words, this will be a challenge for me to review. But I shall persevere…

Where’s the spoiler warning? Well, actually there’s no spoiler warning in this review! Feel free to read the review and enjoy the read afterwards.

Summary

Two years after the attack on Equestria, Queen Chrysalis finds herself broken and unable to go on, but there is hope. Discord and the original Queen Chrysalis came up with a spell many years ago, bring a girl from another dimension to Equestria, and she would become the new Queen. Though she would have the previous Queen to help her take on the ultimate disguise.

Though this is not all the new Queen faces, a dark force has risen, with power strong enough that even the old queen fears it. Their choices could affect the future of Equestria, and not just for pony and changeling, but every creature! Who will survive? And can something that the Queen has denied for so long, be the key to their success?

Note

You may notice that this review will be in a slightly different format from normal. This is because I will be looking at the piece in a more broad-based approach, rather than looking at each chapter of the story individually in this review. So, without ado, let’s begin!

Content/Plot Analysis

For stories that are set in alternate universes such as this, the planning of the setting and the plot must be strong as it acts as the foundation for which the story is built upon. With a clearer grasp of the situation in the story, the author would be able to work towards building a plot that is enjoyable and believable.

So, the first thing I would like to say about this aspect of the story is that the amount of thought and consideration that the author went into is remarkable. As this story is set in an alternate universe, much deliberation must go into the development of the circumstance in this universe. After reading this piece, I can faithfully say that the author did account and justify the development of the scene, the evolution of Equestria and how it differed from the one in the show. By and large, the plot holes that I thought might be a problem in the long run were ultimately patched up by the end of the story (with some rather hilarious or even creative methods, may I add.) Additionally, while the alternate universe is, in its own right, different compared to the one we are all familiar with, the author also creatively inserts various scenes that did happen in the show and integrate it into the piece with seamless results. One example would be the canon show’s Inspiration Manifestation, where Rarity converts the roads of Ponyville into gold.

Additionally, the interactions between the characters in the story and the environment around them are convincing and genuine. The careful planning done by the author is clearly seen in this aspect, allowing the events that transpired in the story to come off as logical and authentic. This significantly benefits the characterization in the story. Even if unexpected, the author manages to convince me why. Great work!

The next point I would like to delve into pertains to the characters themselves. I felt that the characters, when first introduced into the story, came into the piece in a hurried manner. This unfortunately weakened the connection the reader would have with the characters in the piece, as there is an insufficient amount of development into the characters at the start to allow the reader to immerse themselves and attach to the characters. This is especially significant when the story introduces many different characters that are constantly referred to throughout the story.

Allow me to clarify – having many, new, unique characters in your story is perfectly fine. However, each character should be developed sufficiently and succinctly in the piece to help the reader to pick out and demarcate the differences in their personalities and their characteristic traits. This would help the reader picture the relationships and the interactions that the characters would likely have of each other. Specifically, in this story itself, there are many changeling OCs and even pony OCs that are often referenced to that could have been more distinctive and memorable as unique, differentiable characters to help the reader follow the events in the story more clearly.

The last broad point that I would like to bring up in this topic relates to the development of the action scenes throughout the story, most notably the Umbrum attack on the Changeling Castle and Chrysalis’ duel with Hope’s champions in a stage-wise confrontation at the end of the story. While I felt that the author did regulate the pacing and tempo of the story to help accentuate the intensiveness of the fight scene compared to the rest of the story, I felt that more could have gone in to build up the ferocity of the conflicts faced by the characters. For instance, the Umbrum attack on the Changeling fortifications could have been explored via a more holistic approach, by exploring the scene through the development of the ambience of it, to show the reader the level of intensity and gore that the fight entailed. Hence, I posit that there are many opportunities available that allowed the author to dive into the build-up of the fight scene from different perspectives to enhance it to make it even more exhilarating and exciting to enjoy.

Flow

Generally, the flow of the events that occurred in the story is cogent. The author aptly linked the scene together in a coherent manner that is easy to follow. Thanks to the author’s strong foundational planning, the transitions are logical, which made reading this piece a breeze.

However, I think one significant aspect that I wish to talk about is the about the rather frequent shifts in the perspectives in which the story is being regaled from. In the story, there are three principal perspectives that the author switches between throughout, namely Chrysalis, Shiny Whistle and Apatelodes and Spot. In the story, the author clearly indicates when the point of view alternates in the piece by separating the adjacent paragraphs with a horizontal dash and an accompanying line stating the location and which character the story’s perspective is switching to. However, I was experiencing difficulty deciphering how the scenes are linked to the timeframe that ran along throughout the story and linking the scenes proactively as I was reading through. Due to the three (sometimes four) different perspectives that the story alternates throughout with unique settings, I felt that it would be hard to pick up from the events from which this specific perspective was last explored in the story.

I would like to recommend that each chapter of the story would focus on one specific perspective so that it clearly splits the boundaries between the change in perspective to allow the reader to internalize and connect to the scene of each particular character. This also has the added benefit of breaking up some of the larger chapters (which are as long as sixteen thousand words long) into more digestible, bite-sized pieces that would maintain the reader’s attention and interest in each.

Before I close off this section, I would like to say that the development of the four different perspectives of the story has yet to be exploited fully. In this first volume, the author has leveraged on primarily two of these perspectives and I just wanted to say that I am curious to see how these would intertwine into the future volumes of this series, because these have not been fully exploited for their potential as of yet.

Language

Amazingly, there is essentially a negligible amount of errors in the story. While there are perhaps a few (and I mean, incredibly few) technical errors in the piece, I will have to discount them as anomalies in writing, considering the sheer length of the story. Fantastic work!

Stance

This is an enjoyable read that immersed me into a unique alternate reality that was well-shaped and thought-out. To enhance this piece, I think that the execution of the perspectives of the characters and their development could be explored in greater depth. As always, if you have any questions, please feel free to ask me, for I am always here to talk about your story.

Content/Plot: 7.3/10
Flow/Communication: 5.3/10
Language/Readability: 8.8/10
Overall: 7.1/10

7337602

Long Live the Queen by QueenChrysalisForever will be the longest story that I have reviewed. At almost two hundred thousand words, this will be a challenge for me to review. But I shall persevere…

You did great, and I am really appreciative of all this time you put in. I'm excited to be the longest one you have reviewed too. :D

After reading this piece, I can faithfully say that the author did account and justify the development of the scene, the evolution of Equestria and how it differed from the one in the show. By and large, the plot holes that I thought might be a problem in the long run were ultimately patched up by the end of the story (with some rather hilarious or even creative methods, may I add.)

Part of that you can put on my awesome fans for finding the loopholes, but yeah I am a mare who hates plot holes, so when fans/my editor pointed them out, or I found them, I had to find somehow to fill them! Sure some were rather silly, but I think that just added to the charm of it and the 'magic' aspect of the show eh? ;) *chuckles* I'm glad you found them hilarious or creative too.

Additionally, the interactions between the characters in the story and the environment around them are convincing and genuine. The careful planning done by the author is clearly seen in this aspect, allowing the events that transpired in the story to come off as logical and authentic. This significantly benefits the characterization in the story. Even if unexpected, the author manages to convince me why. Great work!

Thanks! *Beams* I think it really shows why it took me so long to write it with this, as I thought of how to make it feel as authentic and logical as possible. I'm glad I was able to convince you for the unexpected bits too! Especially in the latter half of the story when I finally found an editor, he helped immensely in making my so dear to me heart story sparkle and shine even better then if I had finished it alone. (Seriously, much of the last few chapters changed quite a bit from my original vision, and I feel them all the better for it.)

I felt that the characters, when first introduced into the story, came into the piece in a hurried manner. This unfortunately weakened the connection the reader would have with the characters in the piece, as there is an insufficient amount of development into the characters at the start to allow the reader to immerse themselves and attach to the characters. This is especially significant when the story introduces many different characters that are constantly referred to throughout the story.

Yeaaaaah I very much agree with that. I partially blame 'new fanfic writer' to that, and also my desire to have my main characters meet already. (I was impatient back then, and it took a LOT to make the relationships develop at the speed they have so far. (I wanted to use the romance tag so much more than I ended up doing, for one. I was a good ling though and heh tried to wait. Key word tried. XD) Not just with my main characters of course though, I know other characters were quite confusing at times. (One of the hard parts of a large cast and lots of 'named but mostly background still changeling OC's', they all look mostly the same and so don't stand out much as I wanted them too.) True though, that kind of thing is very much something to work on in some editing sessions or at least as we go along into book two ( *cough* eventually heh *cough*).

For instance, the Umbrum attack on the Changeling fortifications could have been explored via a more holistic approach, by exploring the scene through the development of the ambience of it, to show the reader the level of intensity and gore that the fight entailed. Hence, I posit that there are many opportunities available that allowed the author to dive into the build-up of the fight scene from different perspectives to enhance it to make it even more exhilarating and exciting to enjoy.

For this I mainly blame my lack of experience just yet with fight scenes, and a little of the limitations of seeing a story through a 1st person perspective. (Of course, being there will be plenty more fighting in the coming sequel, I'll get that experience! XD) Also probably need to watch/read some more good fight scenes (though I do have LotR, HP, and similar I've read in the past to work from...) I do admit I could have gone heavier on the gore (since I have the gore tag, and I have a reference for the 'limit' of amount of gore allowed in a T fic to work from, and I am FAR under that!) Ambience and scene exploration I really could have done better on though I agree. Don't have a good excuse for that as I do know how to set a good scene.

In the story, the author clearly indicates when the point of view alternates in the piece by separating the adjacent paragraphs with a horizontal dash and an accompanying line stating the location and which character the story’s perspective is switching to. However, I was experiencing difficulty deciphering how the scenes are linked to the timeframe that ran along throughout the story and linking the scenes proactively as I was reading through. Due to the three (sometimes four) different perspectives that the story alternates throughout with unique settings, I felt that it would be hard to pick up from the events from which this specific perspective was last explored in the story.

As for this, I kind of borrowed a mixture of styles from multiple authors (Cassandra Clare, Rick Riordon, and my fellow fimfic writers Meep the Changeling (a good friend and pre-reader of mine) (also a huge influence style wise) and tom117z) , to name a few.) which I can understand doesn't always flow as well as I'd like, especially all put into one chapter, which I admit is more a style preference of mine than much else. (Little, 2k or less chapters often drive me crazy, since as a reader myself, I like to eat the big bowl of ice cream rather than just have two small scoops on a cone (if that analogy makes any sense? ) basically I am one who loves a good long chapter, but also love it when the author gives a good stopping point in the middle of a chapter/scene change, hence the reason I have so few of them. XD)
OH! Or Shakespeare (not to compare myself to him, what with plays and novels being a different aspect of writing entirely) just thinking of the top of my head right now. XD
Anyway what I mean to say, is I do understand. There are other novels *cough* the Divergent series *cough* that make use of the multiple pov perspective in the same chapter (I think, been too long since I read them) that drive me up the wall as there is little to tell you it is this person talking and not the other. (Could also list Lord of the Rings, to a point, as it follows Frodo's story, Merry and Pippin, and Aragorns. (I know LotR often got me confused while they were all split up, so that is an example in your favor. ;) ))

I would like to recommend that each chapter of the story would focus on one specific perspective so that it clearly splits the boundaries between the change in perspective to allow the reader to internalize and connect to the scene of each particular character. This also has the added benefit of breaking up some of the larger chapters (which are as long as sixteen thousand words long) into more digestible, bite-sized pieces that would maintain the reader’s attention and interest in each.

That certainly would make things a little easier. Especially with my huuuuge chapters at the end. I certainly understand your view here and how it would help (heck, hopefully even pull in a lot of new readers!) So will give it some good thought and also bring it up with my readers on their ideas. (After all, their opinion matters a lot right? :) )

Before I close off this section, I would like to say that the development of the four different perspectives of the story has yet to be exploited fully. In this first volume, the author has leveraged on primarily two of these perspectives and I just wanted to say that I am curious to see how these would intertwine into the future volumes of this series, because these have not been fully exploited for their potential as of yet.

Oh they for sure will! Once they all finally converge together, things will start falling into place, (well hopefully before then too heh) everything will work out according to plan. *cackles*

Amazingly, there is essentially a negligible amount of errors in the story. While there are perhaps a few (and I mean, incredibly few) technical errors in the piece, I will have to discount them as anomalies in writing, considering the sheer length of the story. Fantastic work!

Thanks! I know being an English Major (and a 'Grammar Nazi') I tend to be real hard on myself in this aspect. (As well as on those I review...) the first half isn't 'too' bad with this, I did catch (and continue to catch and try to fix) little things I miss, but for sure the latter half of the story is MUCH better in this once my editor joined the ranks. He is a lifesaver with that!

This is an enjoyable read that immersed me into a unique alternate reality that was well-shaped and thought-out. To enhance this piece, I think that the execution of the perspectives of the characters and their development could be explored in greater depth. As always, if you have any questions, please feel free to ask me, for I am always here to talk about your story.

I'm so glad you enjoyed it. You have no idea how good it made me feel hearing your praise on my story, and good constructive criticism. (It is seriously what I've been asking my readers for, for so long, but few of them bothered. x.x) Character development will for sure be worked on (especially in the sequel as things heat up!) and I'll figure out how to get the execution of the perspectives to meld better as well.
Pretty much only question I have is about little parts I am particularly proud of. What did you think of the parody songs? I've heard your thoughts on a few of them, but would love to hear on others as well.
Besides that, thanks so much for this wonderful review! You are amazing and I couldn't be happier with it. ^.^

7338454
I am glad that the review is of such use to you!

Anyways, on your inquiry on the matter of parody songs inserted into the story, I did get a few crackles of laughter when I went through some of them (remember I was wondering where the comedy tag was? xD) and they helped rope me into the alternate universe. Unfortunately, I have not the greatest listener of music (I know...) but their rhythmic flow helps to loosen the story out better. It is especially so with how the adapted lyrics tie into the scene more vibrantly.

As I await your reply, I await your release of the next volume that comes next!

7338536
:O How did I forget to reply to this?

Of course! Was a real joy. ^.^

True I forgot about that part (the comedy tag) perhaps I should add it? XD) Alas not the greatest listener of music? We must fix that! Thou needest listen to more, my friend! Heh I'm glad you liked them though and you felt they really helped the flow of the scene. :D

As I await your reply, I await your release of the next volume that comes next!

Don't worry too much, I am working on it when I can! ^.^