TA Derpy Princess

• MLP: FiM
• Dark
• Adventure
• Drama

An alternate world where Derpy is a Princess of Klutzy and along with her friends is able to save Equestria from the jaws of evil.

• Non-con
• Violence
• Alt. Universe
• Derpy
• OC

Nailah · 41k words  ·  31  6 · 489 views

A Derpy Princess by Nailah is the next piece that I will look at. I am particularly interested to see how the author will portray Derpy as a princess in this alternate universe and I wonder how the author will go about with the development of the piece.

Without further ado, let’s begin! Beware of spoilers ahead!

Summary

All Derpy had to do was deliver the mail it was really that simple, on her way home there was a storm and wanting to be helpful, of course she investigated it. Only to be pulled into it, and ending up in this strange new place where she found out she was a Princess. She and her friends saved this place from the jaws of evil many times over. Going on a quest to find a way home, Derpy will meet many who will aid in her journey, but of course her journey must be ladened with many challenges ahead…

Note

This review will cover this piece in a different approach compared to my other reviews. I will discuss the broad matters that encompass points that I felt were omnipresent in the story in decreasing order of significance.

Showing vs. Telling

Throughout this story, I notice that the author goes about writing her piece in a rather expository style, which unfortunately limits the immersion that the reader would have of the story’s plot and characters. The story explores the world in a rather factual manner, with a lot of the descriptions relating to the characters and the plot scenes explained quite directly.

While I can definitely understand the need to paint the various scenes of the story sharply, I believe that the story could have been a far greater piece should the author explore the piece by showing more of the emotions, the reasons, the landscape and more, rather than just stating that a specific character has this specific emotion, or by spelling out the justification for a specific antagonist’s actions clearly. I think that this would aid the characterization of many of the characters in the pieces by giving them nuance to their personality and their traits. The author could integrate actions, emotions, facial expressions and more with qualifiers to control and regulate the descriptor would have on the story’s plotline.

However, I must admit that the author has improved in this aspect, especially in the most recent chapter. The author weaves in minor action gestures to accompany the character’s dialogue, which helps to build up the character speaking in more dimensions than one. This allows the reader to internalize the scene of the dialogue in a more fruitful manner.

Story Pacing

Another salient matter to discuss about would be the incredibly fast tempo the story adopts throughout, and I can partially attribute this to the previous point that I have brought up above. Due to the nature of the writing, the reader can quickly screen through the story as the author provides the information necessary for the reader by telling.

I would recommend that the overall pace of the story should be slowed down. The author could regulate the tempo of the story by varying the level of detail and descriptions brought in into each specific aspect of the scene in question and help to bring out specific points of the story with the appropriate emphasis.

Suspense could also be introduced throughout the story, such as the instances where Emma emerged to meet Midnight for the first time in years and where Derpy and Midnight were struggling and fighting to apprehend each other –

“Stop you big bully!” she demanded as she tackled him to the ground wrestling around with him below her, she knew she wasn't as strong as Applejack and she knew Stallions were strong but she was determined not to let him hurt anyone else even if it meant she wouldn't go home she had to save these people from this evil pony.

…he wrestled with Derpy trying to regain the top of the pile, the two fought around for some time but eventually the midnight stallion managed to get the advantage over Derpy and he thought he had won.

There are many opportunities here where the author could have leveraged upon to spruce up this scene. Not only can the author develop this scene with the specific impacts of the punches thrown and struggles faced by the two as they were locked in hoof-to-hoof combat, the author could have also introduced suspense, particularly at the end of the scene. The author could show how Derpy failed to defeat Midnight and that she was destined to become nothing more than his slave. The author can then describe how Electric managed to save her in the nick of time. This would help accentuate the impact the scene would have on the reader.

Story Logic

Even though the story pacing was fast, the transitions to each event in the overall chain of events in the story were, by and large, logical and coherent in my eyes. The flow was consistently smooth through the piece, which made reading the piece seamless and easy.

Unfortunately, while the transitions are logical, there are other aspects in the story that I felt were lacking further elaboration or development to come off as logical and convincing to me. This is especially so for the resolution of some of the challenges faced by Derpy throughout her quest to get home. An example would be the reformation of Midnight Star. The change in Midnight’s mindset that allowed him to change for the better was too sudden to be rather convincing to me. The author could consider regulating his tone in a more gradual manner, or to tweak his mindset slowly and cautiously. This could be executed by allowing Midnight to question Derpy and her ideals in what was right, and why he was in the wrong.

Language

Regrettably, language errors were quite common in this piece. Allow me to propose some of the recommendations to the author in the appropriate sub-sections.

Spelling

“Princess? I'm not a Princes. I mean I know Twilight is but I'm just you know a normal pony.” explained Derpy.

“Princess? I'm not a Princess. I mean I know Twilight is but I'm just you know a normal pony.” explained Derpy.

“Get off of my you stupid flithy piece of s*%#.”

“Get off of my you stupid filthy piece of s%$&.”

He attempted to look away and seem unphased but she knew she had hit a cord.

He attempted to look away and seem unphased but she knew she had hit a chord.

“Well...she should know you, you darling are definetly someone worth knowing.”

“Well...she should know you, you darling are definitely someone worth knowing.”

“By endangering yourself? Your safety is just as important. Don't be a matyr darling, you are SO much more than that.”

“By endangering yourself? Your safety is just as important. Don't be a martyr darling, you are SO much more than that.”

Syntax

“…slave, you need punishment for opening the door without permission.”

“…slave, you will have to be punished/will be punished for opening the door without permission.”

“Don't like looks fool you. She's nothing but trouble.”

“Don't let her looks fool you. She's nothing but trouble.”

Tenses

The black stallion burst-ed out with laughter at my statement as he wiped his brow.

The black stallion burst out with laughter at my statement as he wiped his brow.

As I understand that this piece does have quite a number of errors, I would like to humbly offer myself to assist the author to help edit the piece.

Paragraphing

The final point I would like to talk about is on paragraphing. A considerable number of paragraphs could be split up further to help demarcate the ideas developed in the piece. I think it would be best to discuss this matter with the aid of an example –

Derpy sighed heavily as she watched Black Mane walk off, not quite sure where he was going, or what exactly he intended on doing with them, but she could tell they were quickly approaching an island, she could see the shape of it forming in the distance. She couldn't really tell where they were. She didn't know these lands like she knew Equestria, she was honestly rather lost and downhearted, and the only thing she could think of was how much she missed her daughter, and how she'd give anything to be home again. She didn't want to show weakness, but a slight tear ran down her face onto the floor of the ship. She hoped Midnight Star and the others would be able to find them soon. She was counting on him. Derpy knew Midnight Star had a bad past, but she knew he was a good stallion at heart, and all he truly needed was guidance to be the stallion he was meant to be. Derpy looked over towards Heart Stripes, who had her head resting against the pole. She seemed to be muttering to herself about how horrible she was, and how she was nothing but a problem. Derpy wanted to encourage her, and she was about to say something, when they arrived at the port, the ship came to a halt all of a sudden.

The above paragraph discusses on a few things. After being pony-napped, Derpy and other character, Heart Stripes, were brought on a ship towards a deserted island. The author continues on to show that Derpy was unfamiliar with the lands beyond Equestria, to show how much Derpy was hoping that her fellow friends could save her and to show how dejected Heart Stripes was of the present circumstance. I opine that the author could have split up the paragraph into the corresponding points of development as shown to aid in the flow of the story’s plot by providing the read with more digestible chunks.

Stance

The potential of this story is enormous, and I must say that your writing has improved immeasurably since your first chapter of this story, Nailah. With greater focus on the above-mentioned points, I am more than certain that your piece will be a stunning one. And as usual, before I end, do feel free to ask any questions if you have any doubts.

Content/Plot: 4.8/10
Flow/Communication: 5.3/10
Language/Readability: 3.8/10
Overall: 4.6/10

7336720
I first want to thank you for reviewing this story, it's my longest ongoing story, and one of my oldest ongoing. I do realize there are a lot of flaws from when I started it, and I'm always working to improve myself. I would gladly accept your help if that is something you'd want to do. However, I don't wish to torture you further, so ultimately it is up to you. And I do hope my future stories can learn from my past experiences. <3