TThe Wingless Angel

• MLP: FiM
• Drama
• Sad
• Slice of Life

Carrot Cake recalls the day he met Pinkie Pie. The worst day of his life.

• Death
• Pinkie
• OC
• Mr. Cake
• Mrs. Cake

jnzsblzs · 13k words  ·  20  3 · 928 views

The Wingless Angel by jnzsblzs is next to be reviewed from a fellow reviewer to another. And as usual, before I continue, allow me to warn you, fellow reader: This review covers the story’s scenes in significant detail. Do not read beyond this line if you do not intend to spoil it for yourself! You have been warned!

Summary

The story begins with Mrs Cake successfully convincing Mr Cake to tuck their children into bed. At first, Mr Cake wanted to proceed with the reading of their favourite stories, but Mr Cake suddenly thought about his past encounter with Pinkie Pie that led to today. And so, he changed his mind, choosing to regale this tale to his children, however young they may be to listen.

This tale begins approximately fifteen years ago, in a hospital in Manehatten. His wife was having an ectopic pregnancy and has been taken into the emergency response room. A devastated Mr Cake could only trot around helplessly with no word of his wife, internally broken and emotionally scarred, for he knew that his son could not make it.

That was until Pinkie came around seemingly out of nowhere. She offered happiness to the broken soul who wanted to be left alone, eventually convincing the stallion to look up. And when Pinkie realised that Mr Cake started to see the light at the end of the tunnel, she bounced over to offer him a slice of cake. Even though the cake tasted horrible, it shocked his senses to return to the matter at hoof; why was Pinkie helping him, a virtually unknown stranger?

Her unexpected answer gave warmth to his heart, though he questioned the origin of the cake he just eaten. At the cafeteria, the shopkeeper revealed that she simply gave the cake to Pinkie whenever she asks for it and that Pinkie was a mystery to everyone here on how or why she suddenly appeared in the hospital to cheer everyone up after the Rainboom.

The shopkeeper’s words failed to convince Mr Cake’s mind on how Pinkie Pie came to be, but before he could carry on, Pinkie came to meet him with another distraught stallion, to meet a “friend.” They admitted the sorrow in their hearts to each other and hence managed to calm each other down. As they talked, Mr Cake realised how their lives would benefit if they were to simply swap places and proposed this deal to this “friend” so that he would be living in Ponyville, instead of Manehatten. Eventually, after some negotiation, they agreed.

Mr Cake was still troubled by Pinkie Pie’s origins, and so hunted high and low for her. He met a griffon who was in charge of clearing the intensive care units, who witnessed how important Pinkie was in the hospital to spread joy and hope even in the face of dying patients. Undeniably, his shrouded mind could not accept this philosophy brought forth by the griffon, leading to a confrontational argument that was fortunately broken off. This was at least until he realised that, in the end, Pinkie was right there with his wife to give her the hope to expedite her recovery. It was then he found how crucial Pinkie was to his life as a wingless angel, convincing him to adopt her in their family to give her a standard of living.

Content Analysis

Wow, that was a long summary, but I felt that I needed to give justice to the many scenes portrayed in the story. Before I continue, I will delve into my review of this story’s content in a chronological manner to order my thoughts more effectively.

The story begins with Mrs Cake requesting for Mr Cake to tuck their children into bed with a customary bedtime story as Pinkie has done the other necessary foal-sitting tasks. This causes Mr Cake to recall how he met Pinkie in a hospital, prompting him to remember the incident that caused the two to adopt her. He believes that it was time for him to regale the tale of this incident to the children, even if it were against their wishes, resulting in this:

They show absolutely no reaction. They’d be the perfect serial killers, I think to myself for a moment, but quickly think of something else, something that promises a bit more success.

I believe that this part could be better supplemented with some descriptions to show the disappointment or dismay that the children would have when they were not going to be listening to a story that they would like to hear. I understand that the children would be merely listening in, unexcited by the thought of this new story, but I think that the author could capitalise on this to help develop the character of the children in the story, especially at the start here. This development of the personalities of the children would help significantly to build the scene in the story throughout. Perhaps, the author could show the lack of energy or interest in the glint of their unblinking, staring eyes to symbolise how the children were expecting something more than that from a bedtime story told by their father.

Of course, drawing the link between the story and Pinkie Pie reinvigorated the children’s interest into the story and unfortunately, Mr Cake has no choice but to continue his story. His mind begins to paint the picture of what happened years ago, such as quoted below:

I’d continue but the memories of that night just explode into my mind washing away anything that was in there before. Chiffon tapping my shoulder, saying there’s something wrong. Me rushing down to get the phone. The sirens. Holding her hoof on the whole journey to the hospital. Seeing her being taken to an ER room. A couple hours of frantic pacing on the corridors without hearing a word. The doctors finally coming out and telling me their… verdict. And finally: the orange chairs.

This portion was aptly built up to show the massive impact that this had on Mr Cake’s mind. The emphasis was reinforced by the repetitiveness of the way the author portrays the scene that Mr Cake has in his mind of the experience. The constant listing of the actions and experiences through this mode of writing showed how abruptly these all happened and the jarring effect these must have had on Mr Cake. Great work!

As Mr Cake thought about the past, his eyes inevitably become teary due to his sorrow. He combats his tears to admit the following to his children –

Maybe your brother could read your story and not some stuttering old schmuck.

I open my eyes but I don’t look at the foals. I’m aware that I couldn’t tell them straight up what happened, even after 15 years and I’m not interested in what they might think of me right now. Petty? Very much, but so be it.

But I guess I wasn’t meant to have a son just yet. I sigh, my eyes are still sore but I know I’m over the worst part. I take a deep breath and continue.

I wished that the anguish of Mr Cake could be brought out and expanded upon from the bolded text, as I opine that it would showcase the depths of the emotions that Mr Cake had when he admitted what was troubling him for such a period of time. The thoughts of Mr Cake outlined by the author is appropriate, but I posit that it can be accompanied with some subtle motions to convey the anguish through facial expressions for example. Should the author want to maintain the pacing of the story to be such as above, I would recommend changing the style of writing the author adopts to show how he cracked his eyes open to stare blankly away from the foals. The author may also want to consider introducing a pause in the story here, via a decelerating pace and paragraphing to instil that emotion into the reader. This pause would help the reader to take in these emotions and then listen to the thoughts behind the emotions that are occurring in the mind of Mr Cake. This also has the added benefit of demarcating ideas from each other for the reader to digest the points more actively.

Mr Cake then recalls how Pinkie Pie came to console a soul that was pouring out tears in the hospital, resulting in this piece of dialogue –

“Oh no you’re going all sad-sad again. I must have said something wrong. I’m so sorry.”

That expression sounded so silly I just had to ask.

“Sad-sad? What’s that?”

Similarly, I felt that the author could build up this part in some level of detail. I felt that allowing the reader to see the visible reaction that Mr Cake had of the “silly expression” would help convince the reader on the author’s point on how the inquiry made was a matter of instinct.

Anyways, Pinkie responded to this inquiry, proffering many insights on the different levels of sorrow one can face in their life. Many meaningful ideas were brought up here which certainly appealed to my love for reflective thinking, though I felt that they were obligatory to the flow of the story. I attribute this to the fact that Pinkie explores her thoughts in a thorough, vigorous manner as Pinkie’s tone of voice suddenly turned incredibly reflective unlike her previous lines. I thought that Pinkie would explain her thoughts in a more uplifting, upbeat or eccentric manner that I felt would match her demeanour to put forth her insights.

Despite the joy that Pinkie advocated at this critical point in his life, Mr Cake felt that Pinkie should just leave him be. The author then goes into detail with the thoughts that went through Mr Cake’s brain which struck a chord in me. His thoughts were extremely relatable in my mind.

Much further down into the story, Pinkie Pie brought a random stranger from the hospital who had a similar fate to meet Mr Cake. They chatted, realising how they wanted to change their lives in their own way if they were to switch places. It was at this juncture I felt that it was slightly hard for me to believe that they would be willing to switch their lifestyles, occupation and way of life in such a nonchalant manner. From what was implied from the character’s behaviour and mannerisms with each other at this scene, they seemed to be especially casual and blasé on this significant change. This singular decision that this “friend” almost instantly accepted when Mr Cake proposed it would change their lives, and the lives of their family and loved ones. I would have thought that there would be a greater period of time allotted to the process of contemplation to shape the decision making between the two. Furthermore, the story describes the discussions to be around fifteen minutes, which corroborates my view of the matter. Perhaps some greater level of hesitance, thought and inquiry could help convince the reader of why they mutually accepted this. Again, the small reactive acts from this “friend” would help shape up his character more in this story and the reasons for his decision, too.

Alright, moving along the storyline, Mr Cake met a griffon who was in charge of cleaning up a room that housed patients who were on the verge of death. This was where the griffon felt that Pinkie had provided an incalculable benefit to this hospital, to spread happiness in the darkness. In the shrouded mind of Mr Cake, he refused to accept this reality, this philosophy that the griffon proffered, and adopted a much more aggressive and confrontational argument with the griffon. This was excellent. In the confusion in his mind, in the tunnel vision that he must have faced there and then, in the sorrow he felt, he was more than likely to yell out against the griffon’s beliefs. This was sharply integrated into the story with fitting descriptors. Good work!

Ultimately, Mr Cake understood every aspect of the griffon’s points raised before when he noticed that it was Pinkie who was the one bringing the happiness that uplifted the weakened, but rejuvenating soul that belonged to his wife. And of course, his wife must have listened to everything he confessed about the situation and to ease his regret of his decision to adopt Pinkie that he believed robbed her of her freedom. The content here was again executed well with a nice end, though I will revisit this portion in the next section of my review.

Before I close off this section, allow me to comment on the characterisation of the story. Well, notwithstanding with what was described above pertaining to Pinkie’s behaviour, I felt that Pinkie Pie was characterised well. Her sudden appearances, mannerisms and demeanour were suitable for the story.

Next, I would like to talk about the characterisation of Mr Cake, with regards to –

They’d be the perfect serial killers, I think to myself for a moment…

Which is convenient because it makes picturing you tearing them out really easy. But after the wave of murderous intent passed by…

Geez, those are some particularly gruesome thoughts that came from Mr Cake’s mind, which I found hard to believe. I could not picture this sort of behaviour or thought from Mr Cake. I posit that the author’s personal voice was evident in the writing of this story, which resulted in the seeping in of such descriptions in the story that caused this.

Flow

There are a few things that I would like to talk about. The following quoted excerpt is from the part of the story that describes Pinkie’s explanation to why she was willing to go out of her way to help a random stranger who she felt was a friend destined to be.

“Because I wanted to help you,” she said.

My soul was engulfed in a warmth I’d honestly thought I could have never ever felt again. It felt wrong to just spoil it with any retort.

I felt that this was rushed. I was expecting a more gradual flow of emotional warmth that would trickle into Mr Cake’s heart when his mind slowly reacted to those words, deciphering and comprehending them before such an impact would be felt by his soul. Perhaps this was more fitted to go into the previous section of my discussion but I must say that, content-wise, the development of such would bring the reader to another level of relation with the character at play and help make the story’s flow more logical and seamless.

Moving on, I would like to return to the ending of the story. It was a nice ending, though I felt that paragraphing various points would help layer the points in a more fruitful manner that would induce a more dynamic pace to the ending to drive the ending home. Paragraphing at salient junctures would separate the ideas that each sentence would bring to the story, allowing the reader to absorb each point and connect with the story’s moral more impactfully, such as –

…One thought in particular caught my fancy.

I had to adopt her. Chiffon and I just needed her, and despite her relative happiness as this impromptu hospital clown she needed a place she could call home.

…One thought in particular caught my fancy.

I had to adopt her.

Chiffon and I just needed her, and despite her relative happiness as this impromptu hospital clown she needed a place she could call home.

There are other parts of the story that could benefit from this, to inspire a more vibrant flow and pacing that would enhance the content in the story more exceptionally.

Language

I am afraid to say that errors in this story are fairly common. Let’s look through some of them in the appropriate sub-sections.

Spelling

It was at this point he face started to turn blue.

It was at this point her face started to turn blue.

I almost spat it out, but I knew it would brake Pinkie’s heart, so I held on and with my most forced smile I’ve ever put on…

I almost spat it out, but I knew it would break Pinkie’s heart, so I held on with my most forced smile I’ve ever put on…

Thought I’m not sure, I always imagined I sounded like the proverbial grumpy old whack on the porch.

Though I’m not sure, I always imagined I sounded like the proverbial grumpy old whack on the porch.

Syntax

I remember as I sat there in those ugly orange plastic chairs flooding the entire corridor, oblivious to the world.

I remember that I sat there in those ugly orange plastic chairs flooding the entire corridor, oblivious to the world.

I remember sitting there in those ugly orange plastic chairs flooding the entire corridor, oblivious to the world.

A foal no more than ten years old flew off of my leg, bounced back from the ceiling onto the window, then the floor and lastly back onto my lap, and it has the audacity to ask if I was alright?!

A foal no more than ten years old flew off of my leg, bounced back from the ceiling onto the window, then the floor and lastly back onto my lap, and it had the audacity to ask if I was alright?!

“Allright, bring it on” he nodded with a more than slightly agitated face.

“All right/Alright, bring it on(,)” he nodded with a more than slightly agitated face.

Punctuation

“Just breathe” She wanted to object so I quickly grabbed the plate and lift the cake up. “Don’t worry Pinkie I’m already eating the cake”

“Just breathe(,)” She wanted to object so I quickly grabbed the plate and lift the cake up. “Don’t worry Pinkie I’m already eating the cake(.)”

“Oh, you are better now?” she squeaked “That’s so great we are going to have so much more fun together now! Operation Happy Cake is officially a GO!”

“Oh, you are better now?” she squeaked(.) “That’s so great we are going to have so much more fun together now! Operation Happy Cake is officially a GO!”

I was fooled by this griffon once, I was not going to fall for his wordplay again.

I was fooled by this griffon once(;) I was not going to fall for his wordplay again.

Finally, I would like to end this section on the subject of commas. I felt that they were underused in the story, hampering the readability and even the flow of the story at critical junctures, for instance –

Above all that is the gift of Pinkie Pie.

Above all(,) that is the gift of Pinkie Pie.

And without a word he just started to walk towards me.

And(,) without a word(,) he just started to walk towards me.

Stance

An enjoyable read that had a clear message for the reader to glean upon, though I felt that the story’s potential could have been tapped on more effectively.

Content/Plot: 6.3/10
Flow/Communication: 6.8/10
Language/Readability: 4.8/10
Overall: 6/10

To improve, I felt that the story could be developed with the characters involved in mind and to elaborate on some of the content in the story to convince the reader for him/her to connect with the events of the story.

And before I end, remember, I am always more than happy to talk about your story.