EThe Crack On The Wall

• MLP: FiM
• Comedy
• Horror
• Random

Twilight makes a visit to the school of friendship, Starlight is really nervous, there’s a crack on the wall, and there’s a looming threat of eternal doom upon the entirety of Equestria. But surely none of those things are related. Right?

• Twilight
• Starlight Glimmer

The Sleepless Beholder · 1.6k words  ·  19  2 · 571 views

Written by The Sleepless Beholder

Summary: Twilight makes a visit to the school of friendship to check on Starlight in her new position of headmare of the school. Starlight is really nervous, there’s a crack on the wall, and there’s a looming threat of eternal doom upon the entirety of Equestria. But surely none of those things are related. Right?

Analysis: Wow... I remember why I don't like reviewing horror stories, but I guess the writer assumed that tragedy would have worked in place of the horror tag. Admittedly, a lot of my problems with this story are just personal preferences, so let me put aside my personal opinions about horror stories and give a more factual analysis. This story was clever in its buildup, taking a more comical approach at first before taking some really clever twists.

If you are interested in the ever-rare comedic horror story, then this may be your cup of tea.

Grammar: 8/10 There are some simple problems here, namely the lack of capitalization.

“One second!” the mare shouted, and Twilight started to hear a heavy struggle inside the office.

“One second!” The mare shouted as Twilight started to hear a heavy struggle inside the office.

...was covered in a black, oily liquid.
Twilight carefully walked inside. “What just happened?”

...was covered in a black, oily liquid.

Twilight carefully walked inside. “What just happened?”

There is some minor editing that needs to be done here, but it's not too bad overall.

The plot of the story: 9/10 Some of the plot is admittedly vague, relying on the unknown and random. It makes a bit of a headscratcher in some places if you try to take it literally. Remember that this story is not to be taken too seriously.

Story flow: 7/10 There is a constant lack of defining emotion when the characters are talking.

“Nothing!” the unicorn responded with a big nervous smile. “What brings you here today?”

Twilight frowned(There can be a lot more elaboration here, like, Twilight looked skeptical as she frowned at her old student.). “What are you hiding from me?”

There is a lack of elaboration in parts of the story, but I do recognize that it's supposed to be vague. It's just a bit confusing for me in some areas. I think this story would benefit from a sequel, but that's entirely up to the author.

Final score: 24/30 8/10

It's a decent story, even though it's in a style I'm not a fan of. I never was too much of a fan of horror stories. Expecially ones with bad endings. I do have to admit the writer did a good job with this clever concept. Admittedly, comedy horror is a hard type of story to write, taking two styles that seem to contrast each other, and making them work together.

If you like comedy horror, then you will most likely love this story.

Sorry about the tag confusion, but since the story wasn't to be taken too seriously, I didn't think that horror would apply. I have done the change and thank you from taking the time to review it.