TDissonance: A Hidden World

• MLP: FiM
• Dark
• Adventure
• Mystery

"That which can be destroyed by the truth, deserves to be." But does it always? And just what is the truth about the Elements of Harmony?

• Violence
• Death
• Alt. Universe
• Twilight
• Main 6
• CMCs

Braininthejar · 349k words  ·  42  1 · 1.2k views

Now, first off, can I just say? I love dedication. And that’s what BrainintheJar did here. As he said to me over Discord, this entire story is the culmination of 8 years of solid, hard work. I can’t help but respect that. Also, as Brain stated in the comments, Dissonance… Its story began all the way back in season two, and I had the pleasure of working on the plot intricacies of the first rewrite. When the sheer volume of the idea outgrew the free time of the original author, I was too invested in the project to just let it fizzle out, and so Mindblower allowed me to pick it up. It took another 6 seasons to finish, but finally, all the 60 chapters are done, and will be published weekly.

Even had a change of the main author, believe it or not. As I said, I cannot help but respect the determination of Brain here. But I’m not here to do that. I’m not here to tell an author how much I respect them for their drive. Oh no. I’m here to get down to the nitty-gritty of a review. Now, I will be harsh if I need to, but you know what? I don’t give a flying fuck if someone tells me I’m too harsh. A friend of mine, Vertigo, recently was told he was far too harsh on a story even if the said story was a load of garbage. I’m not here to shower you with praise every time and give you a gold star and told you did well squirt! Hell fucking no. I’m here to tell you what you did wrong, and how to fix it. Harsh, but ultimately fair is my motto. If you don’t believe me, ask Thunderclap after I got through with his Kamen Rider piece.

But enough of that. Now, first impressions count for me on stories. They really, really do. Right off the bad, from the first chapter onwards there are a few good things and bad things. First off, the setup. Now, from the onset, you look like you have a standard groundhog day style time loop. Namely, characters wakes up, and then relives the whole day over and over again with minor changes each time. Not here. Instead, it sets it up to be such a thing, before completely subverting your expectations completely in a subtle manner.

I really, honest to god like that. Now, Twilight Sparkle. She’s the one I want to keep an eye on throughout this whole story, seriously, She’s on point with her character, and she’s dangerously clever figuring out something is wrong from the outset.

Now, the downside of things. Music embeds. Yes, I understand that you’re trying to immerse you readers in the story, and I freely admit that I’ve done this as well but there is a problem. Namely, 90% of readers will not click on these music embeds. 90% or higher. Also, if you’re trying to go for nostalgia with Kingdom Hearts music… Don’t. Just don’t. Don’t play to nostalgia. Seriously, it’s cheap. Like, very cheap. Now, if you weren’t intending to play on nostalgia, I apologize but it really feels like you are.

Grammar wise, it’s not that bad but there are a few issues. Take a line like this for instance.

The earth pony stallion she had been trying to wake up, Sepia Toc was disintegrated

You do this a couple of times where you remember one comma for the explanatory phrase or direct address and then, you forget the second comma. I would recommend Grammarly, just as a helpful hand here and there. For the most part, it’s good on that front but I would recommend Grammarly.

Afterthoughts… AKA the part EVERYBODY and I do mean EVERYBODY hates.

The final notes of it all. Yes, what we’ve got here is a good story in set up, and premise but there’s also so much dragging it down like the aforementioned grammar issues and the music embeds. It’s distracting. If you can put these aside, maybe, maybe you’ll find something worth looking at but as it stands so far…

7/10

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Apologies. Just in a bad mood from how my friend got treated for his review, which was actually perfectly fair and while it didn't pull punches, told the author of the story in question what she did wrong and how to fix it. But because the said author was a fifteen-year-old, he got jumped on. Age should never be used as an excuse. Harmony Pie's 14, and she writes brilliantly.

6856239
Which friend and which review? Have a link? I am curious.

6856386
Allow me.

Last story in this collection of reviews.
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/856351/vertigo-reviews-old-friends-again-returning-home-child-of-the-sky-the-day-after-hearths-warming-and-fly-by-night

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Hmm, I can agree on some things your friend said, like slice of life stories have a hard time making the ordinary interesting and what he said about using words repeately too often like 'she' in this case. Though, I don't see where the comments he got was unfair or harsh either? They had an opinion, like he or you do too, there is beside one word from the 'language' list not much fighting or bad threating going on.

*

I like your friends Review style though, how do he choose what he reviews?

I also left him a positive comment

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I'm not entirely sure how he chooses how to review a story. I think he picks and chooses, or in some cases is asked by someone to review a story. Mind you, because of personal reasons Vertigo is taking a break from reviewing right now so...

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Now, the downside of things. Music embeds. Yes, I understand that you’re trying to immerse you readers in the story, and I freely admit that I’ve done this as well but there is a problem. Namely, 90% of readers will not click on these music embeds. 90% or higher. Also, if you’re trying to go for nostalgia with Kingdom Hearts music… Don’t. Just don’t. Don’t play to nostalgia. Seriously, it’s cheap. Like, very cheap. Now, if you weren’t intending to play on nostalgia, I apologize but it really feels like you are.

For what it's worth, this is a callback to the original stories. It was a feature back when Mindblower was writing Envy and Arrogance and Guilt and Hate, and it's a feature again with Dissonance.

6862891
Fair enough, I suppose, but -and I admit I am a hypocrite about this as I do these as well- but 90% or more readers will not click on them, and anyways people have different reading speeds so it will not work for some of them. Some people may be through half the chapter before the first embed ends.

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All the links are from listenonrepeat. They don't end.

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Still, you get my point.