Vertigo Reviews: Old Friends, Again, Returning Home, Child of the Sky, The Day After Hearth's Warming, and Fly By Night · 5:14pm May 9th, 2019
A new review batch with a new review format. One that's much more detailed and much more in-depth. However, fear not, I won't be delving into heavy spoilers; while I will be sharing as many portions to the story as I can to provide feedback, I will not be sharing any heavy key moments. That said: let's dig in!
Story 1: Old Friends, Again by RBDash47
I loved this story's predecessor. So I had every intention of getting to this story as soon as possible. Over a month later and I finally have. Given the nature of the first one, I won't be sharing anything from this story as I feel it's best if you read this both for yourself. I hadn’t planned for this, but given the nature of both stories, I’d be ruining two really good stories. So, I lied a bit. It’s time to send off the old review format with one final tale!
Old Friends, Again takes place an unspecified time after the first Old Friends. Once more, the main character is the same pony from the first one, who's becoming gravely ill. The difference in the type of story this one tells is something that caught me completely off guard. Where as the first Old Friends was a much more personal and emotionally powerful story, Old Friends, Again is a more intense story. It’s a nice deviation and one that keeps its core power, but it’s also a change that I feel doesn’t make full use of what the first story builds towards. In a way, I was let down once the story concluded.
That isn’t to say this is by any means a story I didn’t like. There’s a lot to enjoy here, not the least of which is the author’s intense usage start offs to a few of the scenes in the story. Though the opening to the story itself is something I found rather odd. It’s preceded by a long gap of nothing that made me think I should highlight the page to reveal some sort of hidden message.
Much like how the first story opened with a quiet and somber scene at a funeral that established the tone perfectly, Old Friends, Again has an opening that tells you everything you need to know about how the story will play out. It’s an intense and dark moment that’s really well handled. Yet, even as I type this, I can’t help but feel like it’s a deviation that makes it feel all too different from the first in a way that acts as a double-edged sword. I understand that I’m repeating myself here, but it’s a fact that feels all too distracting the more I put my mind to it.
I digress however. From the opening to the end, the story moves at a fairly solid pace; the detail to each event feeling appropriately well spaced out and the interaction between our main characters is something to behold. It all builds towards a moment that I have to say makes most of the grievances that I have with the different tone more or less worth it. It’s the kind of pay off that makes repeated readings stronger than the first.
Character wise, the story once again doesn’t tag who’s in the story. However, it doesn’t play a game of subtlety as the first did. This is one reason that I didn’t use the new format for this story since this story kept it old fashioned. However, I will say that as with the first one, the character’s are still really good. I wouldn’t have minded them going through a bit more change through the story since there are more players in this one than just the two from the first, but as it stands, the characters are good. Very good.
Grammatically, this story’s impeccable. Nice job, RBDash. You didn’t have spaced en dashes in this story. Have a Rainbow Dash sticker.
Overall: Old Friends, Again is a really good story. It’s one I liked a tad less than the first, but it’s a worthy sequel to a great story. Go check it out. Now with that, the old review format shall be snapped out of existence. In with the new!
Final Score: B+
Story 2: Returning Home by GaraTheAuthor
This is a story I’ve been meaning to get to for almost a year. To the author: I apologize sincerely. Anyways, Returning Home is a post-apocalyptic tale and one that’s pretty unique in my eyes. It isn’t a radioactive wasteland (from what I can tell anyways). Rather, it makes the world out to be something like Mars (or as the author stated in the comments, Mercury). Either way, I guess the world is lifeless and not that interesting to look at.
Opening wise, the story begins as follows.
I walk through the plain of eternal sand, my hooves crunching down upon the cracked and arid ground.
At one point these lands had been fertile, with productive farms, bountiful orchards, and pleasant little homes dotting the landscape.
Now all that remains is this wasteland and the sun above.
This is my home.
I think so anyways.
When the whole world is left baked and barren, navigation becomes rather difficult.
This story is told entirely from the perspective of our main character, Twilight Sparkle. Admittedly, I didn’t know it was Twilight at first since it somehow escaped me. Beyond that, the entirety of the story is an exploration of what was once Ponyville. The descriptivity of it all is remarkable at times and gives a great sense of a dead world. Exactly why the world’s dead isn’t explained, but if I had to guess, someone left the oven on.
I stand there a moment longer, watching the sand feebly billow past.
Is Luna even still alive?
I shake my head. That’s a problem for another day.
Instead, I continue into Ponyville.
I can’t help but take note of just how little remains. Besides my castle, there is nothing more than various piles of boulders left behind by ancient stonework foundations. If my memory recalls, Ponyville was a town mostly made from wood, hay, and plaster.
All thing which burn rather easily, in the fires of the rapidly expanding sun.
On a positive note, at least the lack of atmosphere is actually allowing things to finally start cooling.
I snort, or at least the closet I can manage without air.
What a wild world, where I consider that a positive.
Or, what’s more likely is a quasi-Fallout: Equestria explanation; nuclear holocaust. I do quite like the lack of an explanation since it helps to separate itself from the numerous Fallout: Equestria stories. It gives the story an identity of its own and it works greatly in its favor.
Now throughout the story, Twilight goes to each of her friends former homes. Each of them she reminisces and it’s something that I must commend the author for. There’s a very harsh sense of emotion and reality in each of them despite how short the visits are, let alone the entire story, which is only 2,003 words long. Generally, when stories are this short, I often say that I think they’d work even better if they’d been longer. In the case of Returning Home however, it’s best that it’s as short as it is. It gives it a very personal, very close-to-the-heart feeling. Something of a personal journal entry.
The last part that I will bring up is this one, which is near the end of the story.
Suddenly, I feel a crushing regret at taking this journey. All I’ve done is re-open wounds which scarred over long ago. Was the possibility of closure really that important? Was it worth confronting generations of loneliness?
I should turn back now and leave town. Hell, I should just leave Equestria, period.
Who knows, maybe there’s survivors somewhere out there? I’ve yet to actually complete an entire journey of the planet. Maybe there’s some kind of colony on the poles, or at the border between night and day?
Instead, I continue forwards, shaking my head. My disposition towards wishful thinking really should’ve died out years ago.
As I return to town, I consider taking a final detour to my castle.
However, what is the point? I’d only be further delaying what I came here to do. Plus, those empty chambers and echoing halls are little more than monuments to my failure. A castle of friendship lording over a friendless domain.
This story’s writing is something I find truly to be beautiful at times. Both in its descriptives and in its internal struggle it paints for Twilight.
With that, I’m closing off the story’s look over as the vast majority of it isn’t too noteworthy in the way of giving feedback. So, let’s go ahead and look over the other aspects of it!
Character wise, Twilight’s very, very well handled. Beyond her, the world itself is given a nice sense of character; a harsh, burning wasteland. I wouldn’t have minded knowing exactly how Twilight’s surviving the conditions (especially given the contemplation as to whether or not Luna’s still alive), but given the lack of an explanation to why the world’s turned into something akin to Mercury, I can let it slide. Especially given how great the rest of the story is.
Grammatically, Returning Home is impeccable. In fact, the entire story is… save for one moment that stands out as feeling a bit peculiar. It’s the only issue I have with the story.
Then it hits me.
This is Sugar Cube Corner, or what remains of it. This was Pinkie Pie’s place of employment. I can remember her working here and throwing parties.
There were so many parties back in those days, and I kick myself for not attending every single one.
How short-sighted had I been?
It’s possible that I might’ve looked over a detail that explains this, but given the lack of an Alternate Universe tag, I find the mentioning that Twilight didn’t attend one of Pinkie’s parties to be bizarre.
Now beyond that, I genuinely have no problems with this story. I highly, highly recommend it.
Final Score: A+
Story 3: Child of the Sky by The Drunken Sailor
There’s something about pieces of the sky and clouds that always catch my attention. I can’t quite pin down why, but if a story has cover art that’s of the clear-blue sky and/or has clouds, it’s likely to catch my eye. That’s one of the many reasons that Child of the Sky got my attention. The title alone was something that piqued my curiosity. The description also helped. The third was that it’s a sad/slice of life story that features Rainbow Dash and Princess Luna. A rather interesting combination of characters; a cocky, very sure of herself character with a soft spoken princess with a less-than stellar past. Two opposites that, in my eyes, can play off of each others strengths and weaknesses extremely well. Color me excited. Let’s dig in.
Child of the Sky
"I always believe that the sky is the beginning of the limit."
-MC Hammer
I find the inclusion of the story’s title in the story itself as a bit odd, but to each their own. Some books do it and I’m definitely not in any position to speak about odd choices in stories. As for the quote, it’s nice and while the jokes about not being able to touch something are abundant, I’d rather not get carried away.
As the story itself begins, the first and most noticeable thing is that, while the description—both short and long—are in the first-person perspective, the story itself is told in the third-person. I can’t name a story on FiMFiction that’s done this, though I want to say that a few have. Nevertheless, it’s a very jarring shift and I can’t help but feel thrown for a loop since the descriptions themselves were so ridiculously well done. That isn’t to say the story itself starts off poorly. In fact, it’s the polar opposite. The initial few paragraphs are very good even quite humorous. However, going from reading a description that’s in the first-person, only to shift to a story that’s in the third-person, isn’t quite what I’d call a smooth transition.
But that’s besides the point. Let’s take a gander at the actual story itself. It begins with Rainbow waking up and discovering she doesn’t have work. The narration is surprisingly humorous to start and got me to laugh more than once. Then comes this moment.
Grinning slightly the vibrantly-coloured winged equine closed her eyes again. Taking deep calming breaths and focused her mind. At first there was only the sound of of her beating heart and her blood rushing in her ears, but another moment or two of controlled breathing and those distractions were under control.
After that the only thing left was the wind. Breezing through her cloud fortress in the sky, swirling and tumbling in the endless azure ocean. Warm fronts bringing in rainclouds and cold fronts bringing the brighter weather that Pegasi loved so much, the sky didn't judge, didn't reject, it only welcomed it's children. Welcomed them to fly.
Rainbow Dash's eyes opened again, a wide joyous smile brightening her face. Her vision seemed different as it always did when she got like this, the colours more intense. The blank corners of her vision filled, she could see and feel everything. Still smiling the Pegasus rolled off her bed, the cloud floor fading out of existence to allow her passage as she let gravity take her.
Anyone watching the sky would probably comment on how beautiful a day it was, then point out the odd blue-and-rainbow coloured dot falling to the earth.
Still smiling, Rainbow Dash allowed herself to enjoy the feeling of the air rapidly flowing through her fur and primaries. Twisting around so she faced the ground, the Pegasus saw that the ground was significantly closer to her now. Still with her confident smirks Rainbow Dash decided it was time to return back to the endless blue. She spread her wings.
I’ve read some stories that have started off strong, but these five paragraphs are among some of the strongest in the opening to a story I’ve read on FiMFiction in a very long time. While there are a few typos—such as the use of “it’s” instead of “its” in the second paragraph—the vivid imagery of Rainbow taking off to fly is unbelievably gorgeous. It’s reminiscent of something I’d see in a Terrence Malick movie in the way of how beautifully handled the imagery is. I feel that this is a great example of how heavy use of purple prose can really invest a reader in the moment and establish a grandiose scene. Thanks to the author’s ability to not go overboard with the unnecessary floweriness, and the fact that I’m personally a big fan of flight scenes, this is to me one of the most beautifully handled starts to a story I’ve ever read. Period.
After a bit more beautifully handled prose, the scene transitions to Princess Celestia, who’s having tea. This is a fairly amusing and foreboding scene as she discusses something ominous with Luna. The dialogue between the two however is a tad robotic. Here’s an example.
"Good morning, Luna." She said, watching a hawk take flight off one of the southern guard towers.
"And to you too." Luna replied "But don't change the subject for you know it needs addressing."
Celestia sighed slightly, eyes still locked on the hawk as it masterfully rode the winds like it was born to do.
"I know." She said.
"She has a purpose."
"I know."
"And it's our duty to make sure she realizes it."
"I know."
"Then why have we not made a move to do so?"
This is the moment we learn of this “purpose” that Rainbow Dash; the purpose that is the driving force behind this entire story. For as foreboding as it is and the air of mystery that it raises that serves as the hook of the story, I can’t help but feel that the interaction between Celestia and Luna feels too stiff to become all that this moment could be. I’m not sure if it’s the short replies that Celestia gives or if it’s just how unengaged she feels, but something about it just doesn’t strike me as feeling right. I will acknowledge that that’s likely the intention on the author’s part, but I still can’t help but feel this moment isn’t all it could or should be.
There’s more dialogue to this scene and the full exchange and as such, I’ll refrain from sharing all of it. However, here’s one more portion that I also felt was a bit off.
"She is young and has her own life, friends that she has made and I do not want to be the instrument that destroys that."
There was a pause before Luna replied.
"Forgive me if I am mistaken but from what I have learned by Twilight Sparkles studies, a force that of friendship does not and will not change or shift in light of a minor detail when put in context."
The hawk had returned and it brought breakfast to its child.
"Do you honestly think there will be none who will shun her? She may be a friend to my student but we cannot possibly foresee the consequences of revealing this to her."
"Oh I have full confidence that this will tear at her very soul and quite possibly crumble many a relationship to dust but we cannot ignore what we know even though I know you do not trust the consistency of the Orb, or the Gears for that matter."
Celestia sighed again, more heavily this time.
"I know, you are completely right as always my sister." The Alicorn looked up at the blue sky "I shall travel to Ponyville this day, it's time that all is revealed."
"Good luck sister and... Try to be there for her, she will have no one else."
"I shall and thank you Luna, for being there for me."
"I always will be."
Yet again: an extremely foreboding and well handled scene that I once more feel is lacking in the emotion department. It’s a bit that I believe would have benefited from more descriptiveness before or after the dialogue. As it stands, it’s like Celestia and Luna are speaking to each other over the phone; the entire scene lacks any sort of formal interaction between the two to make them feel more alive. Though, if you want, you can argue that the two are both still waking up. If that’s how you wish to explain their short, terse replies, then I can’t argue there.
The third scene of the story involves Rainbow visiting Twilight. It's here that the story begins to truly show its punctuation begins to enter the territory of being distracting. While there aren't tense swaps or anything along those lines, the lack of periods before dialogue and usage of periods where commas should be in dialogue all come into the forefront of the story here. It's something that, on its own, I can overlook to a degree. I'll penalize it, but it won't rip me out from the story
When it's consistent however, it begins to get frustrating. Couple that with Lavender Unicorn Syndrome and the things get pretty dicey. Let's go over three examples.
A thump and some muted cursing could be heard behind her, Twilight sighed and gently closed her book. Turning around to find Rainbow Dash half buried upside down in a pile of books, she grinned what was suppose to be a charming smile at the lavender Unicorn.
First up: we have the dreaded Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. This is something I've been guilty of in the past and do my best to avoid. It's a very static, uninteresting descriptive for a character. A simple “her” would be better suited for this moment. That said, it's a grievance that I'll freely admit doesn't break the story. However, if you're faced with the choice to use it, I advise against it.
A more minor note I have to this paragraph is the capitalization of “unicorn”. I've been putting off mentioning this detail as I wanted to hold off on mentioning it until really got to me. While not something I dislike, I find it to be on the distracting side. It looks odd, though that could very well simply be me. I digress however, let's move onto the second example.
Twilight blinked "Uh, it just said that she would be coming to Ponyville today to meet with us and to make sure all of our friends are here." The blue Pegasus nodded.
This story has a very egregious problem with sentences that precede dialogue not having periods. By that, I mean I believe that every single sentence that precedes dialogue doesn't have a period. It's something I've seldom seen in stories and to see it in a story I've been enjoying so much is surreal. The enjoyment and my irritation towards the consistent error clash in a way I can only describe as me fighting myself to decide if I hate it or if I can overlook it.
That said, this paragraph succumbs to the aforementioned LUS. Yet again, we see a character referred to by their color and their race. It perplexes me as to why the next paragraph couldn't simply begin with the statement that Rainbow nodded. It's less bland and helps the story flow better.
"Of course! I'll go get everypony and be back in a jiffy! Just you see!" Without another word Rainbow Dash spread her wings and was gone out the nearest window with enough speed to rustle every piece of loose parchment lying around.
"I swear she's getting faster with every day." Spike noted.
"It wouldn't surprise me." Twilight said with a laugh, adjusting the misplaced papers with her magic.
The final error comes here: the usage of periods after dialogue that are succeeded by “x said”. This is an issue I see more often than I care to admit. It's yet again not something that broke the story for me, but in a story I like as much as this one: it comes across glaring and eye rolling.
From here on out, the story enters its.core story. As such, I'm not going to share anything else, but I'll cover some of the aspects I liked and disliked. Once Celestia arrives, we learn of what she wanted to tell Rainbow and we learn it remarkably quickly. She doesn't hold back on what it is she wanted to tell Rainbow and I found it rather surprising. I was expecting a drawn out, awkward exchange, so for my expectations to be deified was something I was extremely pleased about.
On an even brighter note: I loved Rainbow's reaction to this scene too. It's about everything I could've wanted and it's really well handled. The descriptives that succeed this moment make it even better.
Now for the more disappointing parts. There are two things that really knocked this story down from being truly great to merely really good. The first is that the time Rainbow shares with Luna is surprising small. It's something I feel wasn't expanded upon enough to have its full potential realized.
The second is the ending. This story has two sequels, both of which I'll absolutely review in the future. However, the way this story concludes is very meh. For starters, the amount of time that passes between scenes doesn't feel quite correct, but it's one of those cliffhangers that doesn't work. If anyone's familiar with the ending to Halo 2, it feels a lot like that.
So with that being said, this story has concluded. So, allow me to list off some of my praises and criticisms.
For starters: the punctuation, while I see that it's fixed on the sequel, is atrocious here. Simply put: the fact I cannot find a preceding sentence to dialogue that's concluded with a period is something that can best be described as the epitome of a boondoggle. I understand that going back edit the entire story would be difficult and I'll accept that. But this was a true sight to behold in the way of punctuation persecution.
Character wise, this was a great take on Rainbow Dash. I've always been a fan of her being shown in a more vulnerable and emotional way, so this gets my seal of approval for Rainbow's portrayal. As for the rest of the cast, they never get enough time to really feel fleshed out. Celestia's written fine, but she feels static in her usage; her role being primarily a means of getting the ball rolling. Luna's also heavily underutilized.
Something I said to mention during our tour through the story is the pacing. This story feels rather fast-paced and while I do feel it mirrors Rainbow's character in a way that I'm assuming is unintentional, but still nice, it ends up causing the story to not fully use several scenes to their fullest potential (as I've said multiple times now). What's odd though is that the story starts off really well paced. It isn't until Celestia arrives at Twilight's place that the story's pacing kicks into overdrive. Or so I felt it did anyways.
My criticisms aside, I want to echo myself from earlier. I seriously enjoyed this story. A lot. It's more than worth your time. I feel it might've been better suited for a multi-chapter story given the premise it sports, but as it is: it's a very good story. Hats off to you, Drunken Sailor. I raise one on your glorious name for a glorious story.
Final Score: A-
Story 4: The Day After Hearth's Warming by Skylarking the Stargazer
This story is one that I found to be a bit odd. Mostly because it’s based off of a holiday special I haven’t watched. Nevertheless, it’s not something I was frustrated I didn’t fully understand. It’s easy enough to grasp on its own thanks to its simplicity. Our main character in this story is an elderly pony named Pistachio, who received a gift from Rarity on accident. This ended up inspiring him to set out to become the pony he believed himself to truly be—or so I believe that to be the plot anyways. Anyways, let’s take a gander at the story itself.
Hearth's Warming Day is finally over.
And yet, it wasn't as if I missed it. So many decades have gone by in a blink of an eye. Times have changed, Manehattan became the fashion epitome around the world, even beyond the likes of Equestria. Ponyville is now a popular tourist attraction thanks to the Elements of Harmony and their young successors bred from the School of Friendship. It told every creature that they're able to hold the value of looking out for one another, no matter how different they may be through their cultural background.
Yet, that was far from the true reason why Ponyville and Manehattan were massively favored by everyone. It was, in fact, done by the radiant superstar who bore one of the elements, Miss Rarity of Generosity, and of course, myself.
This story’s writing style is one that makes me feel like I’m about to turn on a movie like Wall Street, only with colorful ponies and not the concrete everything that is New York City. It’s a remarkably serious story and why it isn’t tagged as a drama is a mystery to me. Perhaps it’s just my classification of dramatic stories though.
Beyond that, for an opening few paragraphs, I quite like this. If I have any grievance with it, it’s how long this opening goes on for. I’ll get to this in a moment, but for now: I want to share more of the story so you can get an idea of what type of story this is.
So the opening to this story serves as an introduction to Pistachio. We learn of how he got his prized fedora (m’lady) and his desire to visit Manehattan. This is all because of said fedora that he got from Rarity and it’s because of this that he begged his parents to visit the big city—to which they do.
Within half a year, Ma and Pa gathered enough bits to travel. By the time we got to Manehattan, my eyes soared to the unimaginable heights of the skyscrapers. It was as if I was an infant again born to a whole new world, full of expandable possibilities. The golden street lights, breathtaking architecture, lively parades and surging events, sublime transportation, stellar mechanics and rapid technology all geared my brain cells back to life. I was already beginning to love the new experience unwrapping itself at my hooves.
And of course, to suit the new and invigorating environment, I could not have forgotten my fedora hat. Who knows? Maybe I can find the single pony who inspired me to come this far.
At my persuasion again, we visited an auction at Saddleby's where ponies were holding a special event: a fashion trend festival. My mouth drooled a river just seeing those words being placed on the entrance sign. Yet once the auction began, I immediately realized something felt a bit off. It was a dirty trick, one of the vilest deeds done by anypony! Without thinking, I blurted out to the entire auction room that the lender's wrongdoing for attempting to sell a fake Brent Black that was secretly hand stitched and repaired on numerous occasions using cheap plastic instead of the original toquilla straw. As further evidence, I showed the small dents and unnoticed stitched lines to the bidders, and boy you wouldn't wanna know what happened next!
The lender was immediately arrested for his immoral dishonesty. And although to everypony's disappointment that Saddleby's venue was temporarily prohibited from further auctions, my keen sense for fashion had caught the attention of a particular mare whose beauty could rival Miss Rarity's. Her double-toned blue mane and tail, sailor collar bordered between white and lavender, and rosy scarlet tie told me it was the one and only Miss Coco Pommel.
To say that the opening to this story is wordy is an understatement. Initially, I was dumbfounded at how long some of these paragraphs were (mostly thanks to the stories I’d read prior to this one). While not a problem in of itself, I find that only amplifies a certain storytelling choice the author makes not long after this moment. But first, let’s discuss the positives. For starters, there’s a lot of life to this opening and it really brings the story into a great position. I love the little details, such as the grifter, that make Manehattan feel a bit more alive than just describing the skyscrapers and bustling streets. Details like that always make stories feel a bit more lively to me. So as a whole: while the opening is wordy, it’s well handled to say the absolute least. With that said, let’s deviate away from the opening to discuss the storytelling choice
As has been seen, this opening covers the origin to Pistachio and how he came to be (per-se). This is something that, as a whole, I like and dislike. On one hand, it’s nice to be introduced to this character. On the other hand, the story transitions to another scene that’s fourteen paragraphs into the story that also serves as a perspective transition.
Under Miss Pommel's guidance, I was able to hoof even the most complicated tasks that required needling through jewels and minerals of high-end prices. My ability to learn, observe, design, create, and conduct business had sharpened to the absolute maximum within a matter of four years. By then, I moved out of Miss Pommel's place and went on to open my own fashion business at a cheap estate. It started as a tiny shop with a single assistant I befriended at an unemployment shelter, but soon it grew to massive attention as soon as I—
"Really grandpa?!" Pistachio's granddaughter, Mint Spice, exclaimed in joy. "All because of that fedora hat Miss Rarity gave you?"
Mint Spice's mother, Dawn Strider, shook her head in disbelief. "Up 'till this day I still couldn't believe how blessed you were sometimes, Pa. For what reason would city ponies be attracted to a teenage colt from the farms wearing some trendy accessory in daylight?" She chuckled, the wrinkles on her rosy face folding in and out. "It's just, unbelievable! I could not imagine how you would've had us had it not been such miraculous timing."
"And that's when grandpa went famous like boom! His shops then opened up at numerous locations around Manehattan with twenty salesponies at his service. He would even go meet Miss Rarity herself!" A young colt named Pini Herb, born with a green tea coat, stomped the floor in excitement like his sister.
This is a rather stark tonal shift and the sudden change from a first-person to a third-person story feels extremely wonky. There are stories that can do this well, but they usually give some sort of indicator that this will happen, be it the hint of another character in the story that we may see events from or the story transitioning into a flashback, such as a grandparent telling a story to a child.
This story’s transition simply feels… off. Really off. Perhaps it’s how invested I got into the opening, but I didn’t like how it was handled. It’s also the only part to the story that I truly disliked as the rest of it is bizarre. Well, that and the ending to this scene which lacks a transition indicator.
"I-I-I..." Moisture formed in Mint Spice's eyes, before a waterfall of tears rolled down her cheeks. Helpless, she tightened her hug on Pistachio's thin leg bone, to which she could hear the rattling inside, dreadfully haunting her.
"I'm scared... Grandpa..."
While I may have told my children and grandchildren my beautiful journey to fashion's pinnacle many times, hearing little Mint and Pini crying for the lifestyle I once suffered with ached me from time to time.
I also might’ve missed it, but I’m unsure if Pistachio dies in this story or not as this moment doesn’t seem to be addressed later in the story. If I missed that, then I’ll admit that I’m a dolt.
Anyways, from here on how, the story jumps around to various points in Pistachio’s life and between perspectives; four scenes in total and they all detail his relationship with Coco Pommel and his rags-to-riches story as he ultimately becomes a greedy man.
Over time, my fame soared like a golden eagle free across the skies. I would see Rarity more often than not. We would hit up coffee shops and discuss our next big ideas. Through these small talks, we collaborated and inflated our egos (mainly mine, of course). Not only had I became a millionaire, but the respect I'd gained was seemingly endless.
"Oh darling, we're simply gregarious!" She would openly tell me with a sincere chuckle that always left me amazed.
I've lost count of how many autographs I've signed, or the number of times I passed the statue on Bridleway and the graffiti on the Avenue of the Equestria depicting me in the most artistic way possible. I had enough legacy to pass it onto my beloved son Oak Ring as I aged on.
Yet at the same time, I became a monster wearing pony skin as a disguise. I couldn't value the welfare of other ponies that had no positive impact on my interests, that being: my employees, allied employers and companies, and customers. I’d been so caught up in continuing my family's legacy and the wealth that I drove many of those who supported me into joblessness, corruption, and all the immoral sentiments that the Princesses and the Elements of Harmony sought to defeat.
And I paid a terrible price….
"O-oh Miss Rarity..." An ugly cry forced its way out of Pistachio's weak lungs. He was on his knees, staring deeply into the unicorn's azure eyes on the portrait they took back in Manehattan. "Oh how have, have I never apologized to you all these years... My crimes done against my colleagues and friends... I've lost so many of them..."
This is what succeeds the previously quoted part. For starters, there’s a missing paragraph after “And I paid a terrible price”. That stuck out to me.
Beyond that, I love the usage of metaphors and the introspective nature of Pistachio. The entire story is fueled by this type of narration and it’s something that really gives a sense of regret to the entirety of the story, something I really like and I believe isn’t done enough in fanfiction. I’ve seen some stories do it with Starlight Glimmer after her redemption at the end of Season 5 (the season in which I started watching and subsequently stopped watching Friendship is Magic—and no, I never watched the end of Season 5), but I can’t name another character who’s ever been used in a story that’s fueled entirely by their remorse and regret.
In my eyes: regret is one of the most powerful emotions for a story to use. Whether that be genuine regret for one’s actions or a complete facade used to get back to a person so that they can do them more harm. This story handles the former extremely well and it shows how no matter how regretful one is, the damage one does to another’s trust can never be undone. The final two paragraphs to this scene exemplify some of this.
"This hat..." Sobs interrupted his degenerated taste in fashion, as now he accepts anything as the next big trend. "... is as good as ever. It's been well taken care of for seventy years since you gave it to me. I took great care of it, and walked with it everywhere I went. And up 'till today, it's still perfectly safe with me..."
"If it weren't for your priceless gift, I would've never opened up my clothing shop again..."
Meanwhile, the entirety of the following scene exemplify the latter part of what I said above and while I’d love to showcase it here to use it as an example, I’d then end up copy and pasting the rest of the story to use as an example. However, it involves Pistachio’s interaction with Coco Pommel. It’s a rather heartbreaking scene to read and one that I give a lot of credit to the author for. It surprisingly made me feel a bit dead inside given my own experiences with being a self-absorbed jackass. Not helping matters is the start to the scene that succeeds this one which was like a throat punch.
Then the final scene which is like a second throat punch. In its entirety, the entire second half of this story is one of the most grueling self-reflections I’ve ever had to endure and it’s one that really made me feel dead inside given my own history as someone who’s let his ego overtake him. It’s a ridiculously great story and one that I feel could’ve been expanded upon greatly to make it even more grueling in the way of what narcissism and fame can do to one’s sense of both self worth and to those around them.
If it’s any indication, this is where I’ll stop sharing bits from the story. Most of what comes after where I left off is either too short to share or enters territory I deem best left to reading on one’s own accord. So with that, let’s go over some other areas, starting with the characters.
For starters: as I said above, I feel that this story might have benefited from being a bit longer. The topic and themes at hand are often best when they have time to create a full arc so we can see the rise and fall of who’s in the story itself. If the holiday special covers this, then I’ll concede that this criticism is already established and I’m just a lazy fool who doesn’t want to watch My Little Pony. Otherwise, I believe a longer story could have benefited everything in it substantially.
As for the characters: Pistachio as a whole is well written and while I find the jumping between perspectives a tad odd at times, seeing him consistently at his worst time is quite brutal at times. Perhaps my views would be different if I’d watched the holiday special, but it’s a position I’ve been in myself and by all that is holy did it bite to read. Beyond that, the only other two characters are Rarity and Coco. Both are well written, but both feel a bit underutilized. This is once again a case of the story having benefited from being longer.
Grammatically, the story’s flawless from what I can tell. Save for the two errors I mentioned above.
As a whole, The Day After Hearth’s Warming is a powerful, extremely well written story. If you haven’t read it, I highly recommend you do. It’s a story that feels like it got buried and was sadly overlooked.
Final Score: A
Story 5: Fly By Night by muwun
Generally speaking, an author's first story isn't their best. So when I saw users on the FiMFiction Discord saying that Fly By Night was something special—or at the very least something good—my curiosity was piqued.
This story isn't very long: a mere 1,263 words. This was something that initially pleased me. Being that this is a slice of life story, I was had fairly high expectations for a brisk tale of something simplistic and cute; perhaps insightful even. The description does state that it’s about an original character thinking about life and relaxing outdoors. I dig that. However, within the first four paragraphs, it became very apparent that my expectations were set too high as the foot this story starts off on is anything but the right one.
The stars shimmered like small diamonds in the night sky as a mare walked through the park. Not many ponies were out at this time of night; most were in bed, slumbering peacefully.
She stopped and glanced around, then continued on a trail that led her to the edge of a pond. She let out a soft sigh, staring down into the crystal-clear waters. The reflection she saw in the pond made her frown, and she lowered her face to study it.
It showed the - somewhat chubby, in her opinion - face of a dusky blue pegasus mare, with her cornflower and light blue mane in a ponytail. She pushed her bangs out of her pale yellow eyes, and sighed.
Cutie Crescent had been looking at this face—her face—for her entire life. She didn’t like it much, but it wasn’t like she could change it.
As far as establishing the setting, Fly By Night does a fairly solid job. It presents a very calm, peaceful mood and it maintains this throughout. This makes its short length almost disappointing given the vast majority of stories that I read on FiMFiction are anything but peaceful. So it goes without saying that I found the first paragraph of this story to be fantastic and a great way to start a story.
Then we reach the second paragraph. This is where the the story’s footing is lost and it plunges down into the realm of pronouns. We’re introduced to our main character who we only know as “she”. This is because, for some unfathomable reason, the author waits until the fourth paragraph to give us their name. This, on its own, isn’t necessarily bad if the story sparsely references the character and we’re, for the time being, focusing on the environment or other characters. Given that there’s one character in this story—Cutie Crescent—I found the five uses of she in short succession to look, feel, and read horrendously.
Now, admittedly, this is just me. I cannot speak for everything and judging by the comments left on the story, nobody else quite felt that way. My grievances aside, we advance to the third paragraph, which has a grammatical error. As far as I’m aware, that hyphen should be an em dash. That aside, we also get our description of Cutie Crescent. The fourth paragraph then tells us her name. I find the whole description and delivery of her name to feel very awkward. Not helping matters is that I still can’t help but dwell on how it took until the fourth paragraph to tell us her name. It’s one of those pet peeves of mine that takes me out of the story since it makes the flow of the story feel so off.
Nevertheless, for an opening to a story, it’s tranquil and helps establish an atmosphere I seldom see in stories, though the next five paragraphs begin to make that tranquility falter.
She pulled her head away from the surface of the lake, and shook her head. She stepped forwards and slowly waded into the pond, grimacing a bit as the cold water soaked into her fur.
This was always the worst part: getting into the water. She knew that she would get used to it soon enough, but the chill wasn’t pleasant. It was an underlying feeling that seeped into her fur, and made her shiver.
She dove into the water, and pushed herself out to the middle of the lake, undoing her ponytail. She then lay on her back with her wings extended, and gazed up at the stars. She did this a lot, especially in the summer.
Coming out to the lake in the darkness of night and stargazing was one of her favorite hobbies, and she usually found herself lost in thought for an hour or so, drifting and dreaming.
It was a welcome escape from the stresses of her day-to-day life. She had been coming out to the pond and stargazing for a while, ever since she was young.
The first thing I want to mention is the excessive use of the “she” pronoun. I do appreciate that it’s used over something like “the blue pegasus”, but you’ve given your character a name. It doesn’t hurt to occasionally have a line read, “Crescent pulled her head away from the surface of the lake, and shook her head.” It helps break up the redundancy of the narration, especially given this story’s very short paragraphs and simplistic wording.
Speaking of the simplistic wording, this is something that both works in and against the story’s favor. On one hand, it works very well with the peaceful tone that the story sports. It makes the story easy to get into and makes everything feel nice. However, this is a massive double-edged sword, since the story begins to feel extremely repetitious with how it words things how it progresses.
Simply put: Fly By Night gets very boring very, very quickly.
This is an issue I have with slice of life stories. Their entertainment value can vary heavily based on who’s writing them. To present a slice of life story is to try and make a story out of something mundane, be it going to the supermarket to buy groceries or mowing the lawn. The author has to take the ordinary and make it something extraordinary in some capacity. To keep it simplistic is to succumb to the ordinary aspect and create something boring. Unless your story is centered on the interaction between two characters or to explore that ordinary aspect and create something deep and meaningful, you’ll ultimately becoming the fault of slice of life stories.
Fly By Night is slice of life to a fault to the point that it becomes a fault line.
We aren’t specifically seeing Crescent’s inner thoughts. Rather, we’re merely being told them. This ultimately makes her feel. Compounding this issue is the fact the story is—as you’ll continue to see—entirely narration. That, on its own, is fine. However, with a story that's trying to be very personal and introspective; the story's narration is simply telling us what Cutie is thinking and how she feels. Ultimately, it ends up making everything feel extraordinarily superficial.
This is really bad and makes my next complaint feel unbelievably cruel given I seriously believe the story to be something of a self-insert.
With the story not really building on Cutie Crescent beyond us being told life is tough, but she persists: she's an extremely two-dimensional character who didn't really have anything to her. For a slice of life story, I can let that pass as it's us following a character doing mundane things. In a story that's clearly trying to be introspective, that leads to me feeling bored and unengaged in this character's story. That makes the story feel more like a chore to read rather than something enjoyable.
I digress however. Let’s continue.
We’re told a bit more about Cutie’s life; how she loved to stargaze and knew of the constellations. These details further compound just how much I would’ve loved to have been told these details via Cutie’s only thoughts as opposed to a nameless, faceless narrator telling me this. The variance in the emotional attachment I have at this point in the story to both Cutie and the narrator is astounding and makes the entire thing feel so uninteresting. One paragraph that really exemplifies this issue is this.
When she was younger, her father had taken her stargazing, and taught her the names of some of the constellations. She missed those days.
The emotional impact that this could have had it come from Cutie herself and this nameless, faceless narrator is jaw-dropping. To me, it’s the epitome of how seeing or hearing something from the character themselves as opposed to someone—or something—we have no emotional investment in telling us for the sake of detail or taking the easy way out so we can advance the story. Now granted, the easy way out is important at times when it comes to repeating details we’ve already heard. However, given that Cutie has said absolutely nothing so far (and will continue to say nothing), the amount that this story could have benefited from her telling us herself about her time with her dad is insurmountable. I feel it might’ve worked better as something like this.
I remember spending entire nights with my father as a foal gazing up at the heavens. The shining of the stars was enrapturing. He would tell me each constellation that his father taught him about, and his father's father before that. Scorpius, Ursa Major, Orion. The memories I have of those days are among the best. They help me through the harshest of times. It's like my own personal slice of Heaven itself.
I'm not trying to come across as some sort of genius when it comes to writing. I know for a fact that I'm far from the best writing on Earth, but the gaping maw that is the mere idea of “emotional investment” in this story is so cavernous, you could fit H.P. Lovecraft's entire cavalcade of monsters and eldritch horrors a hundred thousand fold.
So after this, the story continues with a few paragraphs that describe details that amount to nothing. We’re told that Cutie went into the water, it was cold, she got out, and shook of the water. All of that I described in one sentence and in one paragraph. It isn’t important detail wise and adds precisely nothing given that we aren’t seeing this story with any introspective substance since everything being conveyed through nothing but narration. Now here’s how the story delivers what I did in a single sentence.
Cutie was drawn out of her thoughts by the chill that had settled into her fur, and she got out of the water. The summer air was cool against her damp pelt, and she shook herself off.
Her coat would dry soon enough, especially with the soft breeze in the air. She shook her head, and wrung out her mane and tail. She stretched her wings, fluffing up her fur and shaking the water off of them.
Now, I will concede that this isn’t something horribly bad or something worth getting riled up about. However, in my eyes, it’s best to be quick with unimportant details like this. The details like how the summer air felt against her pelt—along with the soft breeze, is something that comes across in the most unnecessary way. Especially when so much of this narration would be significantly better suited has it come from Cutie herself. I know I’ve said that more than I should, but it’s something that’s so glaring that I can’t help but harp on it.
Anyways, it’s at this point that Cutie’s venture into thinking about life begins. This is a little over half-way into the story. But before we get to that, I want to harp onto one paragraph.
Cutie Crescent had a certain fondness for the night. Not that she didn’t love the day, she just preferred the night.
This is yet another detail that could add a lot to Cutie’s character. Why exactly does she prefer the night? There are many reasons that the author could give that would give life to Cutie. Perhaps she finds it more peaceful, or perhaps the sight of the stars brings back memories of her stargazing with her dad and that fills her with joy. Instead, we’re merely told that she “just preferred the night”. Such a flat, lifeless reason.
On a more positive note, there’s this descriptive scene that really brings home just how strong the peaceful atmosphere of this story can be.
Looking out at Ponyville, she let a small smile cross her face. The little town was quiet and peaceful, compared to the bustle during the day. It was a picturesque scene, the small hamlet dark and still, tinted blue and silver from the moonlight.
This is a very well handled bit. It helps bring together a nice, calm mood that, much like the opening paragraph, really gives me the feeling of something that I could read while going to sleep. Yet, it comes after so much empty narration that I wish for nothing more than for the story to reset so its full potential can be realized.
Moving on, I want to share three more paragraphs. The seven that succeed this are the last ones and I’ll discuss those loosely after this. By now, Cutie on the edge of Ponyville. Nothing exactly special, though I will give the author credit for the narration on her slower-than-average flight speed. It’s a nice touch to the character and is about the only thing that gives some semblance of life to her.
Looking up at the vast expanse of the starry night sky, she felt rather…. small. She was just one part of the puzzle piece that was Equestria, and the universe as a whole.
Cutie came down to rest on a cloud, and shifted so she was looking up at the sky. She wondered what was out there, if there was life amongst the stars. There had to be, though. It would be a little surprising if there wasn’t. Space was enormous, and there was a high chance that there was life out there.
But there was another question that she had. How did the stars come into existence? How did Princess Luna make them? Stars were still largely unknown to ponies, as they didn’t have the technology to understand them. But they had always fascinated her, and she wanted to know more about them.
This is more or less the extent to “thinking about life” that we get and it isn’t exactly charting new territory. It’s simplistic, which I like. However, almost all of its weight is lost since we’re merely told by the resident nameless, faceless narrator. This would all work better if we could simply experience this from the perspective of Cutie and not a narrator. Part of me honestly has to wonder if in reality, this narrator is Cutie, but then I remember that this is a third-person story and if that’s the case, then Cutie speaks like Elmo.
To go over the three paragraphs individually: the first one is a nice way to start it (I’m personally not a fan of the four period ellipsis though). The addition of her feeling a piece of a puzzle is nice as I’ve always been a fan of that sort of metaphor.
The second one is where I yearn for this to be either from the mouth of Cutie or within her mind. Questions like, “Is there life on other planets?” is a nice way to lead into a character contemplating the meaning of life and the universe. Merely being told that our character is thinking about it, and I repeat myself for what I believe to be the fourth or fifth time, sucks the life out of it all.
The third paragraph is where the entire story completely lost me. While reading this, I needed to take a break to write up a rant just to vent my frustration I felt towards this story as I want to deliver criticism and feedback in the most mature, honest, and kindest way possible. However, with this paragraph, I feel it’s necessary to take the gloves off and try my hand at a bit of tough love. For starters, the questions presented in this paragraph being asked by the narrator gives off the vibe that Muwun was truly adamant on writing this story without any dialogue whatsoever in spite of the fact that the one and only character for this story is an original character.
If this is the case, then this is complete nonsense.
When you create a character, you want to bring them to life. This is one of the most basic concepts to any sort of storytelling. If your character doesn’t have anything to them, they might as well be a cardboard cut out with a speech bubble superglued next to their mouth. You need your character to have some sense of life. Without it, you might as well use your story as a firesource because there’s going to be no enjoyment to be gained. Characters are the lifeblood to stories; they are what your reader is meant to get attached to. The Marvel Cinematic Universe, for example, was built ENTIRELY around characters that we grew to love and become emotionally attached to.
Fly By Night abandons the very basic concept of a character in exchange for burying its head in the ground and pretending that superfluous narration can be an adequate replacement for having a character that functions. This is inexcusably bad and single handedly destroys this entire story.
Anyways, let's wrap up the story. The final seven paragraphs of this story are more or less what one would expect. I won’t spoil it as that’s a philosophy I’d like to abide by that these reviews, though I will say that to the story’s credit: it doesn’t try to come across as appearing more important than it is while concluding. It is, however, still largely hollow thanks to it being entirely in narration. The first four are the biggest offenders in this regard as they try to build upon Cutie’s perceptive of who she is in the universe and her inner fears.
With that, the story concludes. As a whole, Fly By Night has an idea at its core for something potentially sweet and tranquil. It’s clear that the author had their heart in the right place. However, as a story, it’s not very good—and that’s putting it lightly since there were multiple instances where I had to stop reading because I so badly wanted to blow a gasket.
I’ve pointed out many of my issues with the story above, but I’ll try to summarize some of the more aimless ones. For starters, while this story is grammatically very good, its repeated use of “she” makes the story feel unbelievably redundant. In a story that’s 1,263 words long, Fly By Night has 88 uses of “she” and a mere 7 uses of “Cutie” to refer to our main character. Entire paragraphs—as was shown—will refer to Cutie simply as “she”. I understand she’s the one and only character in this story, but I cannot fathom why at least one of the uses of she couldn’t be substituted with “Cutie”, or simply rewritten to instead omit some of the uses of she. Here’s an example of what I mean.
At first, when she had these late-night strolls, or flights, when she was in the mood, she had switched spots a lot. One night she would be up in the clouds, and the next she would be by the river.
In this forty word long paragraph, the word “she” is used five times. As I did above with another part, I decided to take this part and rewrite it. Unlike the last one, I kept as much as I could that was in the original.
At first, Cutie would take these late-night strolls, or flights, when she was in the mood. During this time, her spots would change a lot. One night would be spent up in the clouds while the next would be by the river.
I’ll admit that my rewrite isn’t something to write home about, but something as simple as using a character’s name can make all the difference. Given that this story’s entirely narration, it’s prone to repetition and the level of it is unbelievable.
Moving on, let’s discuss the narration. Conceptually, it isn’t a bad idea. It can be done. The problem here is that the idea behind Fly By Night—being introspective and something so personal—clashes with how flat narration can be. This is a story that demands we experience it from the character’s perspective, or with the majority of the focus on them. It so badly wants to be an emotionally powerful story, but all of that power is lost in a sea of flat, dull, dreary narration that doesn’t have an iota of the power that we’d get had this been a first-person story.
This leads directly into what I mentioned numerous times while going over the story itself: the heavy reliance on telling over showing that plagues the entirety of the story. It’s precisely what makes what should be a very emotional, introspective look into a character's thoughts and life end up being superficial to the highest power. Many first time authors—which this is muwun’s first story I should add—will resort to telling due to their inability to properly write character interaction and not knowing how to convey detail and story though them. Other times, it'll be because they don't know what constitutes as necessary detail and what isn't. In the case of this story, neither applies. Rather, it seems like it was trying to be something unique or, at the very least, niche. Whether one finds that attempt to have succeeded is entirely on them, but in my eyes: it siphoned the life and depth out the story.
The issue with being unique is that it isn't always good. The horror film Unfriended was unique in the way it was shot: it was entirely done through a Skype call. However, many say that it's a gimmick and ultimately fails. Yet still, the film was extremely successful.
Does that mean this story is on par with Unfriended? Absolutely not, but it's the best example I can think of. When you want to be unique, you have to try to make sure that unique take doesn't sacrifice the basics of storytelling and enjoyment. Otherwise, the story has to bend itself to the gimmick and you force the reader along for the ride at gunpoint.
Overall: Fly By Night is a story that I wanted to like, but the more I examined it, the more I got frustrated with it. It's a story that, at first, felt aggressively okay. But the more I examined it and the more I reread it to prepare for this review, the more its flaws began to shine through and the parts that worked were overshadowed by just how superficial it was. There’s absolutely no depth to its main character and there’s nothing to help it stay afloat in any way amidst a sea of vastly superior stories similar to it. That said: don't let my criticism get you down, Muwun. I'm not here to be a bully or make you feel like you're a terrible author. Everyone is capable of improvement. It just takes practice and understanding where you fumbled. Keep at it and keep improving.
Final Score: F
And thus ends this batch of reviews. I’m still getting used to this format, but I’d love to know if you all believe that I should keep it or go back to the old one. Until then, I hope you all enjoyed them and have a wonderful day!
Honestly, I would have rated Drunken Sailor's story far lower than you actually did, given the basic failure of grammar from time to time and the run on sentences. Huge no from me. Very distracting to say the least.
But Minwun's story... God above, that is horrendous. How two story approvers could work on that story and not call it out for the obvious flaws is beyond me.
Pretty good! Could use a little more polish though. Saw a few things like this every once in a while:
But aside from that, very helpful in deciding what to add to my (ever-growing) Read It Later shelves!
That's pretty funny. So that gap exists because the first lines of the story is a spoiler for the original fic. I didn't want people to read the author's note and then have their eyes automatically keep going and get spoiled (if they hadn't read the original yet). Sorry for the red herring!
I definitely agree that it's a completely different feel from the original, and you're not the first person to point it out.
5055600
Thank you though!
Yeah, I'm not surprised there are errors. Given how brutally long this was to write, my mind began to burn out after a bit.
5055605
I figured as much with the gap. I just wanted to point it out as I thought it was a bit amusing.
5055628
Lmao, when your review gets reviewed by someone else... *looks at Amethyst*
But in all seriousness regarding the perspective switching... while my story was proofread by The Dobermans, I overwrote the horizontal line splits that should've cleared the confusion between first and third person perspectives.
And holycrap, I was surprised that you loved it! It was fueled by my fear of spending a lonely Christmas just in my house doing nothing last December, so I put some time into writing (and rushing it out) the story to distract myself (although I was still grieving over the feeling of being all alone).
Once again, thank you for your honest feedback!
5055590
Unless you have some reasonable constructive critiscism, this comment just makes you look like an arse. Please point them out before you get more downvotes wew
5055747
Hey, I call it as I see it. Show not tell is a very obvious concept in writing, and Minwun's story fails spectacularly at this. Aside from the repeated usages of she, which in itself is a problem, and decides to just use very poetic prose instead of just developing an actually interesting character.
5055764
Yes, but please be mindful this is their first story, showing criticism is essential for those who have just started. Being a little more considerate of your comments goes a long way.
5055775
See, that's the thing. Better they learn about these flaws now, rather than so many days down the road when they've created multiple stories and nobody's called them out for any mistakes they might have made.
And here's the thing, Muwun's age isn't an excuse nor should it ever be. Ever heard the name Harmony Pie? She's younger by about a year, and yet she writes far better.
5055777
I think if you had started out saying that it would've been a lot more appreciated.
5055798
I figured it went unsaid, given I'd basically be repeating Vertigo's points anyhow.
5055801 In all honesty, to their credit, the fact it got that many likes and notice from the higher ups that quickly is a feat in it's own right. I didnt even have that kind of luck starting out and I've been on this site for almost 4 years now(give or take) and with only 192 followers to boot(about only 30% of them are still active)
While I haven't read the story myself(just dont got the time), It can't be that bad if it got this much noice on their first try, something I wish I could've done. Granted, maybe I'm high balling things but it's still impressive considering all things.
I would suggest that, in the future, your reviews should reflect the state of the writer more. You shouldn't judge the experience and the inexperience the same. This could lead to conflict or lack of motivation. Your reviews are coming along decently, but that last review should have been a bit more empathetic.
5056889
Although I get what you're trying to get at, I believe that using the level of recognition it got is a questionable way to gauge its quality. There have been several films and even stories that were widely recognized as being good that, over time, have seen their popularity and general agreement on their quality decline sharply.
5058035
Thanks for your feedback! Though, I have a question. While I think I understand what you mean about this, can you clarify it for me?
As for the empathy, that's something I did my best with. However, I'm of the opinion that there are times where being harsh is the only way to fully get across criticism. Granted, that may just be me, but it's how I roll. If possible, can you point out one or two areas where it was exceptionally bad?
5058187
That is a fair point. That is why I said I may be high balling it. My Little Dashie does come to mind as you said that. I usually try to be optimistic with people and their work unless stated otherwise because to me, I'd be hypocritical if I said it wasn't good despite it having a lot of support and such.
Of course, that's just me. I was surprised they got a follow from several of them so that's what caught my eye.
Hey, your friend The Bricklayer told me about your reviews here, must say I like the way you write them and I can agree on what you said about Slice of Life stories and some other general points you made in the last Review.
So from reviewer to reviewer, nice job👍
5055777
You shouldn't compare authors.
5055590
Lmao you can't even spell her name right and yet her story is the horrendous thing? It was completely fine for a first story. Are you expecting every writer on a freaking casual fanfiction writing website to have the skill of a published author? I just actually don't get what your comment is trying to say. Horrendous? Have you read the majority of the putrid, wretched filth on this website?
If you actually think anything in that story made it bad enough to not be approved, I feel bad for you because holy hell that's dumb. You do understand a site mod helped her edit it, right? JackRipper and Syeekoh?
To the reviewer, this story didn't deserve an F. Do you understand what an F entails? This story did not fail in every way. Also why was your analysis of a slice of life 1,300 word story like 3x as long as the story? Ridiculous.