7762250
7763002

"If you're wondering why we have three of Gerald Ford's ribs - it is because we could not get four."

7763055

A toilet gator? Really?

I was running out of ideas!

”Well, what are you going to do?”

“My Best.”

7763433
7763463

"No. Humans need fantasy, to be human. To be the place where the falling angel meets the rising ape."

"With Tooth Fairies, and Hogfathers..."

"Yes. As practice you have to start out learning to believe the little lies."

"So we can believe the big ones?"

"Yes, justice, Mercy, Duty, that sort of thing."

"They're not the same at all..."

"You think so? Then take the universe and grind it down to the finest powder, and sieve it through the finest sieve, and then show me one atom of justice - one molecule of mercy, and yet... You try act as if there is some ideal order in the world. As if there is some... Some rightness in the universe by which it may be judged!"

"But people have got to believe that, or else what's the point?"

"My point exactly."

”I know it’s against the rules, but do you think we could keep her prisoner here? A secret from others?”

“Nitro, you know I don’t like keeping secrets.” Ms. Brightsand folded her arms in silence meeting eyes.

“HAHAHAHAHA!!” Both erupted in laughter struggling to regain their breath for a full 30 seconds.

“No, but seriously. It’d only cause more trouble if we started bending rules. Send her ass back home.”

"Live logs and proper."

--Sweetie Belle

7763766
7764202

“Sonic specs?”

“Yeah.”

“Isn't that a bit pointless? Like a visual hearing aid?”

“What's wrong with pointless? I once invented an invisible watch. Spot the design flaw.”

7763433
7763766

"But like a 500 dollar image of pixel monkey, I didn't but it."

I know what you must think of us... Our facility's poor, our knowledge woefully incomplete. En Son told my ancestors of your Prime Directive, how we weren't ready for your technology or ideas. We know we're not Star-Flight, but you don't need a real ship to believe in what it stands for. What about you? Do you believe, Dal R'El?

--Sweetie Belle

7769151

"One, we're in the future after some sort of apocalyptic event"

"Do you have the slightest idea how little that narrows it down?"

”Do you have a license to drive one of these?”

“The woman has a license for her car, but she wrecks the place getting out of the garage. I don’t think a license will help!”

“Good point. Hang onto the sleigh as best you can.”

SAVE THE URINE!

”We lost our secretary.”

“The secretary quit?!”

“No, we literally lost her. She took a ten minute break, stuff piled up, and we never saw her again.”

“Rosemary, if you can hear us, shoot off a flare!”

7770158
7772374

"The real treasure was the money I extorted from all of you along the way"

*Uncontrollable laughter*

"Yes it was."

7763463
7763503
7764202
7770158

Wait, aren't you going to help us?

Do I look like I have spare livers lying around? I recommend a nice coffin for your boi there.

7774166
7772374

"The Parliament of Portugal is closed. Portugal is now a wholly owned subsidiary of the SCP Foundation."

"Get the cheese to Sickbay. The Doctor should look at it as soon as possible."

--Sweetie Belle

7774166
7775413

"Then listen well. Your work will outlive you… the people around you might not. One day you’re going to wake up, assuming you’ve slept at all, and realize that the world is a very different place than the last time you remembered to look at it. You will abruptly, viscerally regret the absence of something as small as a single cup of tea. So I ask you again… what would you like to drink?"

7774166
7775413
7775895

Let's shake the dew off this lily.

7774445
7775413
7776800

This isn't a Christmas gift! This is human trafficking!

7776972

"According to science, the moon is big."

"You don't say."

”Dude, I’m 80% sure they don’t harvest organs…”

“Oh thank Maxine.”

“Though be careful, they’ve got about a million ways to kill in that house the last time I counted. I nearly got executed just trying to eat dinner.”

“!…Can I bunk with you guys, tonight?”

“You can have the couch.”

“Bless you, friend!”

7779077

"Did you know the Akavari made these old mannequin's by petrifying deserters into wood, fascinating subject - sometimes the spell wouldn't properly stick and the things would start walking around, the restraining enchantments are apparently easily broken... Wait, what are you doing with that fireball."

"You said the enchantments might break. I'm Fixing them."

”I know a trap when I see one.”

“Then it’s not a trap. Traps are the ones you don’t see coming.”

“Even if this one is so obvious, it intends to bait the target. So isn’t it still a trap?”

“…”

“…One of us follows it.”

“And the other will stand by for back up. Could this be a trap too?”

“Enough questioning! By this point, we’ll never move from this spot.”

”Quick, give me your darkest joke.”

“What’s this?”

“It’s a photo of me eating dark meat chicken wearing all black with the lights out.”

“Is that a joke?”

“It’s a dark one.”

7776972
7780392

”That’s the way it works. When you’re against the norm, you’re a madman or a psycho.

But when you make something people like, then you’re just a “misunderstood genius.””

“Take note of this lesson. People only like you when you have something to offer.”

7763055

7763433

7763463

7764202

7770158

I only poo-poo farted for the good of humanity.

7783868
7784901

"You may have just saved the entire quadrant, and all it cost, was the life of one Romulan senator, one criminal... And the self respect of one Starfleet officer. I don't know about you, but I'd call that a bargain."

7776972
7784901

"Radioactive BEEEEEES?"

”I’m gonna beat the living crap out of you!”

“Do you two even have the slightest idea what you’re fighting over?!”

7776972
7791472

"A trolley is heading towards Ross, people!"

7791472
7792855

No fear-- AHH! KILLER DONKEY!!!

7792884

...

"I never thought that I'd have to make this video. But it's obvious to me, that I made this video."

7793036

Pong Krell was not the imposter.
But MAN did that feel good!

”Your middle name is Mystery?”

“Yes, but only because my mom couldn’t spell Misery in the hospital when I was born.”

“You see, I accidentally teleported you into my head.”

“That explains why it’s so empty in here.”

*thonk*
“What was that?”

“Well, I tried to hit you while you’re still lost in my skull.”

“Exhibit A.”

7793052
7794518

"Damn you Weatherby Savings and Loan, I spit at thee!"

7785090

7791472

7793052

A Testicle Devil appeared and went ape-shit on his nutsack, ma'am

7796240
7796656

"Of course, it was also said, usually by the same people, that crooks always had close set eyes, lightning never struck twice in the same place, and that if the gods had wanted humans to fly, they'd have given them an airline ticket."

”A good father would make the time.”

“A better son would deserve it.”

7796656
7798409
7799074

Little Jack Horner
sat in a corner
eating a christmas pie.
He stuck in his thumb
and pulled out a plum
and said "The Horse used the Elevator?
...
I didn't know he knew how to do that,"

7799912
7799074

"If you remember, we described them quite clearly in vague, abstract, contradictory terms before! Why would we do that if we weren't certain... On how to use them... Yes..."

7799912
7799074

"You know, I feel, that is, as if, I have been denied some information. Critical. Need to know. Information."

7794518
7800458
7784901

As they say in Russian: "Whoops, I should have predicted that someone could escape out of a ventilation shaft using discarded mirrors as stairs".

7804523

"Ah, chair for sitting!"

*faceplant*

• Stop the functionality of a chatbot's chat functionality by waggling its arms
• Ask for the past forty thousand open ended questions to get clues
• jumble-gram --help
• Pay respect to the rules of the internet
• Buy it a bag of cocoa to wrap it back up
• Give it two bold red letters on a white background
• Get rid of the bot's red and green skull head
• Give it a bow (with a string) to its head ({"it should not be a potato"})
• Remove the blue catshark but leave the grey wolf's high white collar
• Choose not to listen to the bot's haunting feedback

--Sweetie Belle

7804523
7808505

"The universe makes us all victim and perpetrator of its infinite cruelty. You, more than any, suffer both fates. Be free."

”No, take cover. He’s in the kitchen.”

“So what? He’s cooking?”

“I don’t know what you call it, but I wouldn’t call THAT cooking.”

7805113
7808505
7809922

Be a good guy. Don't be a good guy. I don't care.

Worst. Advice. Ever.