It's the turn of yet another year, and that's cause for celebration! However, there's such a thing as celebrating too hard, and in many ways people like to use the excuse of the holidays to get pissed. That said, I've compiled a list of helpful notes to ensure that you drink responsibly.

1. If you are going to drink, do it in a safe environment. Perhaps in the comfort of your own home or at a friend's house. If you plan on going hard, make sure to be in the presence of company.

2. Drink lots of water. Alcohol dehydrates you, and there's nothing worse than waking up with a nasty hangover. Also, try patterning it out to one drink an hour so that the effects aren't too hard.

3. If you go to a bar, do it with friends. It's okay to go driving after one or two drinks, but if you start to feel overconfident in your abilities, you best let someone else take the wheel. Preferably, someone who's had far less than you.

4. If you drive yourself home and get pulled over, be honest with the officer. Although, drunk driving is an irresponsible act in and of itself, a decent officer might recognize your honesty as a willingness to embrace responsibility no matter the consequences. The officer might examine your eyes for dilation and/or give you an alcohol test, but if they feel that it is within your willpower to make it home safely, they will let you off with a warning. Please treat the officer with kindness and calmly note the service pistol to the side of the hip with their dominant hand.

5. Don't drink Bud Light, you shithead. It's New Year's Eve, go out and party!

Now, we all make mistakes. This is especially true for the inebriated. Here are a few helpful tips in the event that something were to occur while you're intoxicated:

1. If you hit someone while driving, don't panic. Check to see if they're alright. If so, apologize and maybe fraternize with them for a little bit if they seem friendly enough. If they threaten to call the police, get back in your car and drive away. Hopefully, they didn't get the chance to read your license plate.

2. If you either kill or severely injure them, that is a very serious matter and it'll mean jail time. Just keep on driving and stop at every sign, including every Yield sign. Also, drive at the designated speed limit. Always keep your headlights one and drive through neighborhoods where patrol is least likely going to be. If you spot a police vehicle, don't panic. Just follow all standard safety laws and get home safely. Hopefully, you won't remember what happened by next morning.

3. In the event that an officer pulls you over, be polite and calmly note which hand they use to accept your license. That is most likely their dominant hand, and it is most likely the side their service pistol is on.

4. Mace. You'll want mace. Pour the mace into the small spray container that you can hide in your hand so that when you give the officer your license, they are instead greeted by a face full of mace. Be sure to wait for the officer to reach for it with their dominant hand.

5. Don't reach for their service pistol through the window. They could step back and in a panic pull it out themselves, firing in a blind need to protect themselves. Instead, open your car door with enough force to knock them to the ground. Remember to take your seatbelt off, because I forget that sometimes myself. Grab their service pistol and drive away.

6. Okay, so police are on the lookout for a 2006 Toyota Corolla. You can't go home because you need to ditch the car first. Call up a friend and see if you can spend the night.

*sigh* "Are you drunk again?" he might say.

Inebriation fills your confidence, and you gain the ability to charm almost anybody. "I'm the King of motherfucking Ozark." You mean to say something wittier like "Alanta" and remember that Ozark is a show, which you should really catch up on because you're behind. Nonetheless, he fails to see the blunder you made.

"Just hurry up and get your ass over here."

7. Don't show him the service pistol you stole. That tends to freak people out.

8. Okay, so maybe you do show him the service pistol because in your defense, "It's pretty cool." He is hesitant to see you wielding a weapon in your inebriated state but agrees that, yes, it's pretty cool before calmly asking you to put it down. Whatever you do, don't explain where you got it.

9. You explain where you got it, and you catch the sudden grips of panic clasp over his eyes. He'll say, "That's pretty cool, yeah," before offering to make yourself at home and going to another room for blankets. This is a trick. He is calling the police.

10. You can't trust anyone. Storm out of the house in a hurry. Take your car so that the police can't track you. You're in luck because he hasn't been to your place yet so wouldn't be able to pinpoint where you live.

11. Don't answer any calls. In fact, ditch your phone. Destroy it if you must. You'll have to change numbers.

12. There is a homeless man who hangs out in front of the closed-down Arby's a block from where you live, rattling a tin can. Calmly walk up to him and throw the keys inside. Do not say anything. If you do, try to convince him you're not real because he doesn't have the money to afford schizophrenic pills.

13. Get home and have a good night's rest. Be sure to drink lots of water before going to bed!

14. If police track you to your house the next morning, claim that a homeless man took your car. They've probably already booked him, and it's your word against his since he can't afford schizophrenic pills. He'll go to a county jail where there's a room, bed, and plenty of food, so you ended up doing something really good!

And that's it! Have a Happy New Year everybody!

*Please do not take the latter half of this blog seriously and I encourage you to drink responsibly.

I approve of this whole heartedly

Jesus Christ

Glorious.

Have you been following me?

To piggyback on drinking and driving, please don't. I've seen too many lives ruined by people thinking they could get away with it. To make it personal, my father nearly sent me to a cold, watery grave when I only had a learner's permit, but the roads were bad and I wasn't brave enough to ask to let me drive instead. Had it not been for a bolder stopping the truck, we would have gone into a river... It was only shortly thereafter a passerby pulled us out, realized how drunk he was, and then recommended that I drive us to wherever we were going.

One of my last nightmares of my father was us trapped underwater. Possibly unrelated, but who knows?

Years later I would see fellow service members lose rank, their contracts, relationships, and much of their livelihoods.

There are no benefits to the risks associated with getting behind the wheel after drinking. Not in the short-term or long-term. The people you care about in the vehicle with you can be hurt or killed just as likely as innocent drivers or pedestrians who can't predict the delayed response times or mistakes you make because you think you're fine to drive.

Get a cab, call an Uber, have a designated sober driver, or use a program for free/low-cost rides provided by various bars, cities, organizations, and other people who don't want to see you or others dead. It's easy to do and the rewards of waking up the next day alive with the memories, even if blurred, are worth celebrating because you did the right thing.

I've buried enough friends and family to confidently say your life is valuable. By all means, drink up, and enjoy yourself... but come back to us safe and sound.

7921298 Jokes on you, I don't know how to drive.

"*Please do not take the latter half of this blog seriously and I encourage you to drink responsibly" he says, only after I'm halfway to my local Arby's ON FUCKING FOOT. I nearly slipped and fell twice, what the fuck did I do to deserve this?! OTHER than the murder!

Instructions unclear, dick stuck in beer can