Here we go again! It's the middle of summer now, so it's been quite warm lately. I know that doesn't always follow here in England, especially with Wimbledon getting underway, but right now the weather is fairly benign. That also means I'm not melting as I type this. First, as a quick reminder:

Here are the full rules.

Remember, there is no prize, as such, for this contest -- but if you win, you will be able to choose the prompt for the next contest. You'll also get a mention on the group's front page. I am of course not going to stop anyone giving themselves a mention on their own sites should they so wish. Generous or what? But here are the details for July:

Prompt: "A Dragon's Heart" (selected by last month's winner, Impossible Numbers)
Rating: E or T
Word limit: 150
Closing date: Sunday 21st July 2019, 11:59 pm UK time (world clock)

Please reply to this post with your entry. This makes it easier for me to keep track. Please do not leave feedback until after the closing date.

Entries are now open! Have fun!

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This theme. So many possibilities. But which one? Which one to choose?

I could try the emotional one, it might please the overlord. But it could be cliche, and it ain't my style.

I could try something romantic, it might work. But it's to be expected, and it's just plain cheesy.

I could try going the educational approach, I can make up theories. But I'm suppose to tell a story, not a documentary.

I could try making a comedy, I have no problem making those. But they never succeed, they're just LOLed.

And I just keep thinking of that blasted movie. Stupid sexy fantasy.

"OW!"

"QUIT STUBBING YOUR TOE, YA DORK!" Yelled a voice down the hall.

"How did she know that?" Spike asked the headmare of the school, Twilight.

"Um.... Spike, have you ever consider girls around your age, or species for that matter? I heard from Ember that dragons have a special bond between them when one deeply cares for the other. They experience an emotional frequency which they can feel what the other is experiencing, such as pain. And they can be quite feral with teenage drakainas."

"So a dragon with a crush on me can feel my pain?"

"And more."

"Really?" His cheeks flushed, "Like what?"

*BANG*

The door to the room slams open with a riled up Smolder clutching the frames. She glares at the drake with scornful eyes, but her heavy breathing and light blushing left the opposite impression.

"Why did you think that during my heat cycle?"

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Can't win, gonna plough on anyway. Three, two, one, GO!

“…pony head, eagle claw, lion paw, snake tail: you never wondered about the rest? My overall shape? The name? Dracon-equus?”

Fluttershy examined Discord, horns to wings.

“I noticed it when we first met,” she admitted. “It was… scary.”

Discord lounged. “Think. Dragons do what?”

“Eat anything?”

“Keep going.”

“Live for centuries? Resist magic? Fly?”

“Hoard!”

“…you hoard chaos?”

“Dragon-like. So I hope you appreciate the meaning behind this.”

His talons snapped.

When Fluttershy sneezed, her coffee turned into a kitten.

“Oh my.” She blinked. “Wow…”

“Just magic away the extra eye if it’s distracting.”

“Chaos as a gift… It’s very…” Fluttershy giggled. “…you.”

“Paper birthday cake?”

“Thank you! I’ve wondered what it’s like to be other creatures.” Fluttershy grinned, fangs sprouting. “I never thought about dragons, though.” Scales erupted. “Wow. Starting my own hoard…”

“Dragonhood becomes you, Fluttershy! Just as ponydom became me. Another slice? For your second mouth there?”

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If not for the deep gash in her hindleg she might have kicked a few helpful boulders. Instead, she was relegated to a spectator while the teenage drakes fought. The disgust of her inability to help was masked by Spike's unexpected prowess in combat.

Unlike the other drake, Spike struck with nightmarish precision. It seemed as if the seraphim themselves were guiding him as he fluidly chained his attacks together. His former personality was replaced by a lone determination to win. Maud knew it wasn't for pride nor self-image but a genuine desire to protect his friends.

Being the analytical pony she was, Maud was able to see past the facade of others. There before her stood a drake who enjoyed a carefree life. However, when the chips were down Spike wasn't afraid to hold the line. For his friends, he'd bring the unyielding fury of Tartarus against any foe.

"Twilight, do you see it?"
"Yes, Spike, I see it. Everypony in Equestria is looking at it."

"Luna threw the moon at it. Why is it still approaching?"
"It's a black hole, Spike. The moon just added to its mass. Only an advanced annihilation spell could stop it."

"Can you cast it?" Spike looked up at her. "Please say yes."
"The spell has been theorized for a millennium but nopony has ever managed to cast it before. Since this morning, I've tried to simplify it as much as I could. It's now on the very edge of my magic capabilities, so yes, with the required ingredient, I probably could."

"Do it."
"No."

"Whaa..." Spike gasped. "Everything we know and love is about to be annihilated. If there's even a chance to do something about it, you should take it."
"There are lines that shouldn't be crossed, Spike. Lines I wouldn't cross even for the world. Let's just sit here, together."

"Why, Twilight? Why won't you cast the spell? What's the line you're not willing to cross?"
"You, Spike. I love you. I'd never do anything to harm you. I'd never let us drift apart, for any reason. Even if it is just until the final sunset." She sighed. "You see, this spell cannot be cast without the special ingredient." She pressed a hoof on Spike's chest. "A dragon's heart."

"I see..." Spike stood there for a moment, clenching his claws. "Well, if we're going to just sit here, I'll bring us some popcorn."
"I'm glad we'll spend the last moments together, Spike."

"I'm glad to be with you at this time, Twilight." He ran in the castle and into the kitchen. However, instead of popcorn, he grabbed the sharpest knife he could find. He wiped off a tear from his cheek as he whispered. "One dragon's heart coming right up."

Edit: 03 - Dragon's Heart

6910457
A somewhat straightforward take on the prompt I guess, but I had a whole lot of fun writing it. I think I'll probably have a stab at expanding it in the near future.

“Yona, it’s night, this mountain has no peak,” Smolder shivered, “did I mention this is dumb?”

“Many times.” Yona looked back, smiling. “If Smolder likes, Smolder can sit on Yona’s back again?”

“Not the point!” Smolder climbed on anyway, trying not to sink into her friend’s tangled fur too keenly. “The contest will be over by the time we get to the Dragonlands.”

“So? Can still find gem that most like famous one. Bright and warm. Trust Yona.”

“Why are you helping me?”

“Yona want Smolder to be happy.”

Smolder sank keenly.

They reached the summit at dawn. Smolder climbed down. “I see… Snow.”

“And ice!” Yona smashed a chunk free. “Watch.”

As she lifted it, the ice caught the chaos of dawn. Smolder swallowed as the innumerable colours spilled from it onto Yona’s face. The yak bit her lip. “Yona found Dragon’s Heart?”

Fire rose in Smolder's cheeks. “Kinda.”

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"I didn't treat you well, did I?"

Spike looked over mid-bite, confused. "What's up, Twilight?"

"When we lived in Canterlot. I wasn't kind to you."

Spike waited for her to continue, recognizing her preoccupied expression.

"You didn't complain, did you? I mean, you weren't always happy with the chores I foisted on you, but... Well, nothing about me. About you and I."

Spike thought. "I guess you're right." Still puzzled, "Why bring it up now?"

"Hm? Oh. No reason." Twilight caught his look. "Really, none. I was just remembering stuff earlier. Books. Things. I want to apologize, and remind you how much I love you, Spike."

Without hesitation, "I love you, too."

"So, I'm sorry."

"Don't be."

"What?"

"Don't be. You've grown. Me, too!" He flexed, joking.

"Still, it wasn't okay."

Spike walked over and hugged her. "That's what you said when I owed my life to Applejack, too."

Thanks for the entries so far, everyone! For anyone else who would like to enter, you have just over three days remaining.

(( ok my try at this have had this one checked over by a certain Dodj so much credit should go to him for his help :3 ))

A scream pierced every corner of the crystal library, sending Twilight into a panicked gallop. She skidded into the main hall, spreading her wings to slow herself. Sat upon her seat was Discord, though it was not he who had screamed.

"That was Fluttershy! What happened? Where is she?” Twilight challenged the chaos god, concern for her friend steeling her action.

Discord turned to her, looking as if the world itself had collapsed in upon him. Tears poured down his cheeks as he held a battered box tightly to his chest.

"What happened?" Twilight repeated, taking an angry step forward.

"She fled. She ran from me as if I’d attacked her. I followed your friends’ advice; I showed her I cared, told her I felt for her. They said ‘give her your heart and she’ll love you’."

He shakily lowered the box, a gentle “thud, thud, thud” filling the room.

“It terrified her."

6915541

Changed the ending to this one, and streamlined bits here and there. I felt the original (revealing Discord's origins) was lacking in focus and punch, so this is an attempt to get around that problem (by returning focus instead to the dragon-hoarding theme).

6929946
No problem; I only read the stories once the closing date has passed anyway.

Also, to everyone: just over 12 hours to go! Still time to get your entry in.

6911996 6915541 6921351 6921458 6925770 6926546 6928836

All right, everyone, your time is up! We've had seven entries this time, counting Impossible Numbers', which is a decent enough return. It's always good to see a new name on the entry list, so welcome to Cwn Annwn. As always, I shall now take a few days to think about my verdict, after which I may even get around to announcing a winner...

Feedback is now open!

KwirkyJ thinks! Posting quickly-ish before I forget and life intervenes.

6911996
I am missing some context here, I think.

First, a few simple copy errors that are easy to fix: "Yelled a voice" should be either lower case (treating the exclamation point not as a full stop) or the narration reworded to be a grammatically-correct sentence; "She glares at the drake" is the wrong tense (the rest of the narration is past).

"Heat cycle" meaning… 'in heat', or what?

I am also bothered by what we're told about as being an emotional connection, rather than a more thorough "telepathic" link that Ember's lines imply (i.e., able to share actual thoughts or concepts, regardless of intention). Outside of the story I can imagine that Twilight's information is just incomplete, but it's an important niggle given the focus required in this short format.

6915541
My impression technically is that you pared down Discord's lines to fit the word count to the point that he doesn't really sound like Discord, in my opinion. The introduction of the concept works, but it's very curt – I can imagine how I might go about streamlining it, I think.

Beyond that, I find it a mildly endearing, intentionally surreal piece.

6921351
Maud has no agency or purpose in this story – just give us an omniscient narrator instead, perhaps. Being the pedant that I am, the implied connection between intent (fervent, impassioned defense of loved ones) and ability (precision, fluidity of "chaining" attacks) seems arbitrary, and I would have opted instead to dial in on the gusto and drive of his actions. I think the presentation really is what falls short for me, so I don't come away with anything particularly memorable… shame, as Spike's devotion is a very significant quality in him, and this is a neat way to explore that.

6921458
ThreeFour things…
Fix the formatting, please: line break between each paragraph, not doubled-up for line and response; also "The whole Equestria" is missing an 'of', maybe. "level 10 annihilation spell" and "Equis" seem superfluous. Twilight's logic has a core failure: if she does nothing, she is still harming him (and everyone else, but who cares) ; she's hiding her sentimentality behind this false reasoning. This was a really cool direction to take things, and, logical faults aside, Twilight's and Spike's are very human reactions to have.

6925770
After apparently scaring off the newbie last month, I'll pretend to have learned my lesson and not critique your work right off the bat. Having not kept up with season 8 or 9 anyway, your choice of protagonists poses some challenges for me. Please to reply to this or PM me, if you're wanting critique from me on this story.

6926546
The word limit leaves the reader really guessing at (or projecting onto?) Twilight's tone for a lot of this. It might take readers a moment to understand how the last line ties things together, not helped by the episode referenced being somewhat less than stellar.

6928836
Kinda like the earlier one by Impossible Numbers (though I didn't say), I'm not fully sold on using Discord as a dragon proxy. That being said, this is again a really cool direction to take things, and the scene you've put together really clicks for me. However, my impression is that technically you're reaching a bit beyond your grasp, and the way you've written things is rife with subtle oddities of language and imagery, independent of the story you're trying to tell – reply or PM me, and I'll gladly elaborate as soon as I can make the time.

6931131

not doubled-up for line and response

It's a stylistic choice, I'll keep it. I haven't seen it done before and it has functionality. I deem it good for this story.

level 10 annihilation spell

Equis

Fixed.

she is still harming him

In my headcanon, she's tired. She can't protect everypony from danger all the time. With this, nopony will be in danger ever again. All she has to do is not cut out Spike's heart which is something she couldn't do even if she wanted. In her mind, everything is as it should be. And she's together with the one she cherishes the most. Everything is perfect.

6931134

In her mind, everything is as it should be. And she's together with the one she cherishes the most. Everything is perfect.

As previously observed, a very human (i.e., relatable) reaction to the situation.

6931131
Don't worry. I'm no newbie.

6925770 6931143
(Have… have we met before? Thirty Minute Ponies, or the Writeoff, maybe?)

Okay, critique… I'm confused by the premise of this story – why these characters are doing the thing. Best guess, there's some competition to find "Dragon's Heart", some kind of crystal maybe, and they are a team that knows they haven't a chance of winning at this point. How they got to this point would help inform what to expect about their opinions about one another in the moment.

'[. . .] has no peak,” Smolder shivered, “did I mention [. . .]'
'Shivered' is not a valid speaking verb in this situation, if it ever can be an acceptable 'said-ism'. Change the commas to periods and capitalize 'did', to make the narration a separate action from the speaking. Also, 'keenly', from the adjective 'keen', is not the adverb you wanted, I'm sure... both times, but it isn't obvious what you were going for.

"Can still find gem that most like famous one."
Eh? Translate, please.

"Smolder climbed down."
It took me too long to recognize that Smolder had been riding all night and was leaving Yona's back. Being tacked onto the previous sentence didn't help, neither did the 'soft break' between sections, but really it's just the important words, "[. . .] from Yon'as back", being cut for space, yes?

I can't say I've experienced ice "in the wild" that was so finely formed as to create the prismatic display described there, but I suppose this is Equestria-ish, and things are more like they should be or something.

Still, it is a cute little shipping story – I want to know if Yona engineered the situation in some way so I can decide whether to approve or disapprove of her actions, but you won't fit that in 150 words, I don't think.

6931131
Please feel free to post me a more in depth critique. I do very much understand my grammar and structure are pretty woeful. More due to my own lack of practice,I hold my hands up to this. I'm starting back writing into with these using them as exercises. I will say though that Discord obviously has some draconic parts thus is a suitable subject.

6931131

I am missing some context here, I think.

You might be if you're unfamiliar with the 'Dragonheart' franchise. In it, dragons have the capability of giving their heart up for another in order to extend the receivers life. In turn, the two share each other's pain and will only live as long as the other one is alive.

I tried to implement this idea into the MLP world as a way to explain why dragons are so cold and heartless to everycreature as well as their own kind. If they let up into love and friendship, then they're giving up a bit of their heart to them and begin to form a connection with them through a magical sense. Unfortunately the 150 words arrived faster than I though and a lot of this info was cut out because of it.

"Heat cycle" meaning… 'in heat', or what?

Estrus. She seems to be approaching that age, so...

6931147
Not via any of those... platforms? Forums? This is my second rodeo here, just under a new name.

I want to know if Yona engineered the situation in some way so I can decide whether to approve or disapprove of her actions, but you won't fit that in 150 words, I don't think.

I'm a firm believer that it's possible to tell any story in 150 words, though it probably needs a lot more time and effort than I afforded this particular entry. This was just a quick bit of fun that worked in my head and, with my more critical lenses in, probably only works about 60-70% on paper. I think the framing and rationale are the parts that suffered the most... I thought there was enough sprinkled in there to cover the blanks, but your comments indicate that perhaps that is another aspect that worked better in my head. But then again, your summary of 'the story so far' is fairly on point, so I dunno. Something for me to think about I guess.

Shivered' is not a valid speaking verb in this situation, if it ever can be an acceptable 'said-ism'.

I dislike using these verbs as saidisms, so I'm in agreement with you there. That said, in this instance it's merely used as an action breaking the dialogue rather than indicating the end of a sentence as such. I did do some reading around this a while back, and have found examples in fiction where this approach has been used. That being said, I suspect there's probably plenty of arguments against it too, and I'll certainly do some further reading around whether my implementation of it was incorrect in this instance. At any rate, thanks for the flag.

Eh? Translate, please.

Yak speak with pretty poor grasp of English language, including structure and syntax. Also, word count.

It took me too long to recognize that Smolder had been riding all night and was leaving Yona's back.

I seem to recall doing a lot of editing around this point at the time of writing, so any criticism about the smoothness of transitioning is duly accepted. I wasn't overly happy with the tinkering process here.

I can't say I've experienced ice "in the wild" that was so finely formed as to create the prismatic display described there

Me neither. Magic ice. Or, magic ice with some suitable justification that didn't make it through the word trimming.

Still, it is a cute little shipping story – I want to know if [...]

Well thank you very much, and for being kind enough to offer some critique and thoughts. Very much appreciated and I'll be sure to do some thinking around your points when I expand this into something less cramped. You'll have to let me know then if it addresses them.

I was thinking of doing something with Spike having a serious talk about Rarity, but it never gelled. Maybe next time.

If I didn't write anything, maybe I should try to comment on everything. I tend to feel I'm not great at reviews, tho'.

6911996
Think this is one of these spots where being still someplace last season hinders me. I'm not sure I really know the current Spike x Smolder dynamic past Spike getting his wings...

6915541
I can go Fluttershy as a dragon. Extra mouth and eye sruck me as odd, though.

6921351
I hate to say "show, don't tell", but that is kinda how I'm feeling. In the first paragraph, I was kinda puzzling over who the viewpoint character was, so mentioning Maud there would've been good, and I kinda would've liked to have seen the fight a little more. Maud and Spike is interesting, though.

6921458
There are probably other dragon's hearts she could've used. I'm sure Garble's around someplace. Or maybe the spell calls for Dragon's Heart Geraniums? Maybe Dragon Lord Torch is ready to move on?

6925770
I'm up for more of this!

If you do expand it, remember to drop a copy over here:

Yona

SweetAI Belle

77Stories136Members2018August

6926546
Feels like it could be slotted someplace around Amending Fences...

6928836
*Groan.*

--Sweetie Belle

6932401 There aren't that many dragons in Ponyville. The only heart Twilight could get her hooves on was Spike's. Ironically, that was the one heart that was off-limits to her.

6932401
I take it that little tale didn't meet with your approval 😛

6932422
I dunno. I can be a glutton for punishment sometimes...

--Sweetie Belle

6932423
if I could figure out how to put the .gif of pinkie doing the rimshot on the drums, I would put it here.So you'll just have to imagine it 😋

6932426

6932426
Your a legend thank you 😃

6931131

I'm not even gonna deny it; that's exactly what happened. I had originally wanted it to be more drawn-out, like Discord was finding it amusing to see Fluttershy so slow on the uptake and just prodded her in the right direction occasionally once he'd had his fun. But, well, word count. I've never been great with word counts. It didn't do the pacing any favours.

6932401

Those were meant to be side effects of the chaos gift. Eeeeeiiiit is a little muddled, yyyeeeaaah. In hindsight, I should probably have committed one way or the other, or explain more how she uses the chaos to make herself a dragon-like form (that's what I was going for with the "I’ve wondered what it’s like to be other creatures" line). Again, that probably would have been clearer if I hadn't rushed it.

I had an enjoyable time reading all of these. Here are my thoughts, which you should feel free to take with a pinch of salt, fistful of salt, or even a whole tonne of salt. Or pepper, if being all rebellious and edgy is your thing.

6911996
I've never been hugely down with the whole 'in heat' thing personally, though that's more of a preference thing than a criticism. This did make me laugh though, and brought back some fond memories of Dragonheart. It's a fun little scene, though I think you ultimately ended up wasting some valuable delicious words in using them to clarify the bits that you delivered via stylistic choices? Just a thought.

6915541
I've never been hugely down with the whole Discord/Fluttershy thing, even in the show itself, though that's more of a preference thing than a criticism. Am I repeating myself here? I feel as though I am. I should really broaden my preferences. This was a nice scene, and I think it captures a moment between the characters with some craft. It feeeeels like it needed more space to grow within the word-count though, not in terms of the dialogue that was trimmed and tuned, but... conceptually? I dunno, this one befuddled me a little in trying to determine what the actual quibble I have with it is. It's probably just the three eyed kitten.

6921351
Interesting supporting character choice here. I approve! I quite enjoyed this as a character piece, though poor Maud has little agency herself, which is a shame given that I personally found her presence in the story a draw.

6921458
This one is definitely vying for my favourite. It's a nice scene that manages to be both bleak and sweet (for the most part). I presume there was limited time from the black hole being identified to Twilight identifying the necessary ingredients? It kinda reads like she had been sitting on the knowledge for a while but that might just be how I personally read it. The piece was effective in the tight confines of the word-count, but I imagine more freedom would allow that final paragraph to impart a little more punch.

6925770
Needs more yak.

6926546
It's a nice enough scene, and Twilight/Spike bonding time is always something I can get on board with. I'm trying to recall how much of Twilight not treating Spike well is implied in the show and how much is artistic interpretation. In the end I guess it doesn't particularly matter much, though without an example or two the scene didn't reach as deep for me as I thought it first might.

6928836
Ok, I'm a sucker for a good pun, so this one edges it for me. The execution might benefit from some tweaking and polishing in places, but it's nothing that detracts from the story for me personally. Nice work.

6932520

Myself, I'm back and forth on how much I like the Fluttershy-Discord thing. On the one hand, I love the idea of a low-key Pony of Kindness befriending a chaos spirit with a cruel streak, and Discord's animal-mix-and-match makes him fit thematically with her love for all creatures. Plus John de Lancie. He's awesome.

On the other hand, evil Discord from Season Two and merely impish Discord thereafter might as well be different characters; they just don't fit together cleanly. It also feeds into my pet peeve of the overused "redemption" trope, and as much as I like the concept, for me the execution in the show is hit-and-miss.

As for this actual minific, I think between your criticism and everyone else's, I really need to write an expanded version. One without the word limit getting in the way.

6932545

On the other hand, evil Discord from Season Two and merely impish Discord thereafter might as well be different characters; they just don't fit together cleanly.

Yeah, I'm in all kinds of agreement with this. Personally I'm not sure they've ever known what to do with him post-reforming, other than "JdL is pretty cool so let's give him lots of opportunities for screen time". I mean, on one hand I can't mind that, because JdL, but Discord tends to weaken an episode rather than add to it in my opinion, and that's down to confused scripting.

Except the S4 opening episode. I thought they were on to something there.

One without the word limit getting in the way.

Or maybe find the essence of this story that better fits the word count? Of course, if you want to expand on the story you absolutely should, because I've no doubt that it would make for good reading. But I guess the point I was trying to make is that don't assume the word count has to be the barrier.

6932520
I meant for Maud to act as the narrator since her emotions don't influence her ability to ascertain the true meaning of an action. Unfortunately, I'm still unable to fully express an idea in one hundred fifty words or less.

6932684
Don’t feel bad about struggling against the word limit! I’ve been doing this off and on for a couple years now, and the main thing I’ve learned is that flashfics require a set of skills that are distinct from more typical writing. It really is a thing unto itself, and it’s challenging at the best of times. TBH I have a love-hate relationship with flashfics, in that I appreciate getting to build and practice some interesting skills in fairly short chunks of time, but producing something truly satisfying is often murderously difficult.

6928836 6931150
I will preface my critique with two statements. First, I fancy myself somewhat of a seasoned journeyman in the use of the English language for effect, and may be disproportionately (mis)attuned to what the text actually says. Second, as every reader has their own experience with the text, the more subtle the meaning of the text, the more subjective the experience may become; take my comments as subjective observations and not holy writ. Third, I am also insane.

I stand by my earlier gloss: the story you're telling is interesting and rewarding, regardless of (or because of?) the wordplay involved about giving one's heart – it suits Discord, I think, in more than one way, and it's also simultaneously gruesome, tragic, and hilarious.

On to the prosey bits...

"Pierced every corner" is not an idiom that one encounters much, and seems a out of place and/or challenged (challenging?). I offer instead "pierced every hall" or "reached into every corner". The reason for my suggestion is that one has difficulty picturing a corner being perforated by a thing, when instead the more natural mode of the thing (corner or hall) could be used (filled or passed through, respectively), rather than subjecting the thing to an unusual action. (Instead, it's the scope of the action that emphasizes its intensity – every hall or every corner.)

"…sending Twilight into a panicked gallop." While there's nothing really wrong here, it seems awfully close to the passive voice (applied to Twilight), which rankles my giblets in a way I can't really explain... I'll just point it out, I guess.

"She skidded into the main hall, spreading her wings to slow herself." I like the image here – I used it myself with Luna at least once, myself. Were it me, however, I'd focus on the image more than the action, such as: "…her wings spread to slow herself." After a moment's reflection, I would even adjust the narration further:

A scream echoed down every hall through the crystal library. Twilight skidded into the main hall, her wings spread to slow herself.

This tightens the action, I think, and emphasizes that this is scene establishment.

I'm combining the following lines for my next comment:

Sat upon her seat was Discord, though it was not he who had screamed.

"That was Fluttershy! What happened? Where is she?” Twilight challenged the chaos god, concern for her friend steeling her action.

I like the effect of "sat upon" – more a personal nod than anything absolute. The passage after the comma though, seems to really weaken it in a way I again lack the words to articulate. You also have a little Lavender Unicorn Syndrome, with "the chaos god" there, and I find "steeling her action" redundant, more than supportive, given that Twilight is challenging him. Were this my passage again, I might revise things like so:

"That was Fluttershy!" Twilight challenged Discord, sat upon her (seat|throne), steel in her voice. "What happened! Where is she!"

Observe that I kept that image of steel, and attached it to her speech – she's literally talking metal at him. I'm dubious about the first exclamation point, as it weakens "challenged" as a speaking verb, but I'm retaining it during this pass for emphasis. The latter exclamation points, replacing the question marks, is a not-uncommon convention to again emphasize the intensity of her speech, using "what/where" and interrogative sentence construction to indicate that this is actually still a question she is asking.

Discord turned to her, looking as if the world itself had collapsed in upon him. Tears poured down his cheeks as he held a battered box tightly to his chest.

Because why not, I'm going to ramp this up, too. There's nothing wrong here, but it pulls its punches. Behold:

Discord turned, bereft, the world crushing down on him. In his claws he held a battered box tight against his chest.

Forget as if, the world is now literally pressing down on his spine. Instead of mixing verbs (poured… held), I've tightened it to one verb, held, and let the reader imagine how Discord might look when he was bereft, and, no, I'm not about to apologize for throwing in that S.A.T. word (and abusing the adverb, tightly).

The only other thing that stands out is a stylistic choice. The quotes around the thuds – I'd use italics instead.

So, I've tried to explain my reasoning for the edits proposed, anyway. The complaints against the way your story currently stands could perhaps be more concrete, but I'm both very tired as I type this and riding the train to subjective experience city. Hopefully this critique gives you some things to think about, and maybe you'll fashion a new tool or two for yourself from it.

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To clarify my point, the way you've written in "shivered" makes it a speaking verb. To make it an action/narration, you need full stops:

“Yona, it’s night, this mountain has no peak.” Smolder shivered. “Did I mention this is dumb?”

As a side effect, doing so slightly weakens the connection to Smolder being the speaker, but not by much.
Oh!

Smolder shivered against the wind. “Yona, it’s night, this mountain has no peak. Did I mention this is dumb?”

Also, regarding the "translate the yak, plz", I remain at a loss for what she is actually trying to say. If that is your intent, great! If not, I am one data point.

"Language is a code to get a thought from my head into your head."

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I am actually fondly familiar with at least the first Dragonheart film. However, my quibble is the apparent precision with which Smolder accesses Spike's… thoughts? What she seems to know doesn't align with either Dragonheart nor what is established in the story, in how I read it. (Imagine the story being a bit different if Einan(?) was aware of Draco-and-team's plans, for example.)

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Thank you for your responses! Outside observation is almost always welcome and useful.

(EDITS) Sorry if you have like a dozen replies in your notifications! I kept fiddling with the formatting and adding a few small things.

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Unfortunately, I'm still unable to fully express an idea in one hundred fifty words or less.

I wouldn't sweat that in the slightest - it's an incredibly different approach to writing longer fiction, and takes some time acclimatise to. I struggle with it every time I enter a flashfic contest, and the outcomes are rarely consistent. And for what it's worth I think you succeeded in capturing a scene within the limitations of the round; my only real bit of feedback was that Maud should still have some sort of purpose and need to be there beyond her strengths as a narrator. But that's a relatively minor thing to tweak and account for in the grand scheme of things.

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I honestly would be interested to read that if you did :).

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Thank you for taking the time to reply again. You have given me plenty to mull over. I've still a long way to go to bring my standard's back up to even what they where beforehand ( though writing poetry seemed easier at the time 🤣) You have provided me with as you say some new tools.

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Thank you I am learning allot from here so critique is vital.

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Okay, results time! It's taken me until this evening to actually read these, since not only have I been annoyingly busy but it's been stupidly hot (by British standards) this week. Before I get to the actual results, unfortunately I've had to disqualify Bad Dragon's story: it's more than twice the 150-word limit. I can give a little leeway for the odd word, given the variance between word counters, but not for an extra 160! (If you originally stuck to the limit but have expanded it since the closing date, then I'm afraid I didn't see the original.)

My choice as winner this time is KwirkyJ. I really like the cuteness of the scene, the ending got to me a little, and it seems to tie in quite nicely with the (admittedly limited) evidence from the early part of the S1 premiere, in which Twilight does behave thoughtlessly towards Spike. An honourable mention to Ursa, for a clever (if more than slightly creepy) bit of punnery and something that I could almost see Discord actually doing. As others have said, a bit of polishing could turn that one into a real gem.

So congratulations to KwirkyJ! You know how it goes: please think up a prompt for next time and post it here.

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Gosh, this is most unexpected! Unintentionally playing off of my previous prompt (in stalling for time I went back through the past page of threads), I think I'll choose the following as the prompt for August:
I Thought We Were Friends

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Apologies for not replying to this! But yes, that's fine, thank you -- and the August thread is now up. :)