Crystal Affair by FamousLastWords

Alright so I'm supposed to write accept/reject on here but that's kinda dumb because we don't showcase these, so it just serves as a form of discouragement if you fail, or encourages stagnation if you pass, and I don't like that. You should always be striving to improve, no matter whether you pass or fail by some "official" review group's standards. Never Stop Writing, and never stop trying to be a better you. That said, on with the review.

First Impressions

I see you’ve put some effort into the cover image; it’s very eye catching. I’m not usually one for romance, but I shan’t let that color my review. The premise promises some good drama, and provides a decent summary of what to expect, but doesn’t offer a very strong hook. This feels like the sort of story you’d only look at if you were already searching for it.

Diving in I immediately notice several grammar mistakes. Definitely worth giving this another pass for proofreading. Also immediately apparent is that Spike and Rarity don’t feel like Spike and Rarity. Rather this seems like a romance novel you wanted to write, but couldn’t come up with your own characters for, so you picked a few pre-made ones and borrowed their names and faces. This effect continues after Shining and Cadence are introduced, and runs rampant through the whole story. I’ll cover that in greater detail further in, but for now, let’s discuss a few good things about this story.

The Good

Plot structure. I really like where this went. What with how the whole first arc is dedicated to setting up misdirection by making us believe Rarity and Shining are actually cheating, then pulls the switch with Spike and Cadence. The mystery aspect really shines through here, especially with the lore of Sapphirum; you have excellent worldbuilding skills. Discord’s interactions and jokes are also delightful, probably because he’s not shoehorned into the plot, and is allowed to simply be himself.

Spike stood still for a moment. The tragedy finally starting to hit him.

Rarity… she’s cheating on me. I don’t… I can’t…

This right here almost hits home, and that’s because this is the only point where you allow time for anything to happen. Spike takes a few minutes to fully realize and process what’s happening, and that’s good. Real people respond like this sometimes, and it adds depth to the type of character Spike is. Granted the real Spike doesn’t react like this and rather just panics at the first sign of trouble, but we’ve already established that these are just OCs of yours with the names and faces of characters from the show, so I’ll let it slide. Make this bit a little less telly and it’s gold.

His face morphed into a scowl that could send Chrysalis running for cover, and he waddled his way over to his designated spot at the table by Rarity. With every step he took, he mumbled a few choice expletives that conveyed his true thoughts on the situation.

This here is quite possibly your best bit of narration in the entire story. You could have just said ‘Spike grumpily walked over to the table’ which would have been extremely bland. Instead, we get a wonderful description that demonstrates his mood and emotions through action rather than telly narration, and allows us to feel much more connected to him. Without ever once telling us which emotion he’s feeling, you show us, in a way that is both relatable and easy to understand. More of this. Much, much more of this is needed.
The dream sequence makes things interesting, and the plot actually starts to heat up. If you polish up the narration a bit this could really make for a compelling story.

The Bad

This reads less like a story and more like a George Lucas-inspired movie script, starring Spike and Rarity as the lead actors. The narration is clunky at best, using telling to move the plot along faster than it needs to or even should, and lines that feel so out of character for Spike and Rarity I almost wonder how much you paid them to say those things. Much of these issues tie back to your lack of attention to Show vs Tell. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt on experience with this; you need to slow down, and focus more on character interactions. What they see, feel, hear, smell, taste, and think. Focus less on what happened, and more on the details that outline those events. For example: "There was an odd tension between the royal couple" is telly, mostly because there's nothing prior in the narration to suggest this. “Spike's thoughts wandered.” is like saying World War II was brutal. We aren't seeing through Spike’s eyes, but rather being given a status report after the fact. Your scene descriptions suffer from this as well, making for some confusing sequences and several rereadings of multiple paragraphs. This isn't a military field briefing, this is a full immersion story. Pretend I'm your best friend and this is the latest gossip. I need the details. Just because you say it's awkward isn't enough to show me that it is. Show me. Don't tell me.

Next is character interaction. This also contributes to the rushed pacing, and can be cleaned up by adding more detail to the interactions. Admittedly, fluffing scenes like this is usually a bad thing, but when the pacing needs to slow down, fluff away. You can always cut away the excess later if the scene starts to feel slow.
I recommend you focus largely on the dialogue, for this. You seem to have gone for the minimalist approach, having each character say just enough to advance the plot, and then moving on. The problem with this is that not only does it make the characters feel wooden and scripted, it's not at all how normal conversations function. Record yourself talking to your friends, and then play it back later. Real dialogue, is long, windy, meandering, and follows no set structure of any kind. This can make it difficult to use for plot advancement, but then, that's the trick. Don't be afraid to fluff your dialogue with mundanities. They help slow the plot and allow room for relationship establishment and development, which is crucial in a story like this.
That said, much of the dialogue you opted for seems a bit… excessive. Sometimes it feels like you’re throwing characterization out the window for frustrations and insults you yourself might utter. Keep in mind who you’re writing, and tailor their dialogue accordingly. Rarity is a lady, and Cadence would sooner shave Rarity's mane than impale her on her own horn.

Lastly, Rarity and Spike’s relationship, while not out of left field, feels like it’s out of left field. There’s no mention of it early on other than Spike carrying her bags similar to how he’s done in canon, and that’s about it. Rarity does call him ‘darling’ but she calls everyone darling. Add a kiss, describe them looking into each other’s eyes. Do something beyond the usual. There’s very little visible effort here.

Nitpicks

I’m gonna put a nice generous sized hole right through her head!”

Um… wow. That’s a little dark for Cadence. Or any of the characters depicted here. I get that she’s mad but like, tone down the actual murder intent, will ya?

Because, if everything seems to be as it would seem, it would seem to be as it is.”

Cadance blinked. “Can I have a map to that sentence, please?"

I’m with Cadence on this one. If you already know no one is going to understand the sentence then why did you leave it in?

Your fourth wall breaks get tiring.

Overall rating: 6/10

Needs Improvement

I hope this helps. Please leave a comment if you have any questions and remember, Never Stop Writing.

Hey, thanks for reading! This is a story i wrote four years ago and its what i consider my favorite mistake.

In my opinion, it's my most unusual and creative idea but was executed poorly. I wrote it with a co author, but due to schedules we ended up writing over three years to where we eventually just decided to put a nail in it and finish it off.

Nowadays, dialogue is my strongest suit and I've been told I write the best Spike of current fimfic authors. This story represents a huge turning point for my skill level and I'm just glad you got to read it too.

I knew this story would get a low rating, but seeing someone point out all these mistakes is what I wanted because it tells me exactly how far I've grown and how good I am now by comparison.

Thank you so much.

6493769
Heh, well that's encouraging. I was a bit concerned when I saw it was you because I know you're better than this (I never look at the author until I post the review). But if this is a few years old then that's reassuring, and I totally agree with the idea of leaving this up for contrast. It's the whole reason Pinkie My Friend still exists.

6493806
Yep! This was an example of biting off more than I could chew. A lot of authors had written before they found fimfic, but this was the first site I'd ever written on so it was a learning process. I love getting reviews and stuff of my old stuff, though. It shows me a bit of what I was able to do back then when I was a bit more carefree with how I wrote and also showed me all the stuff I've continuously improved on over the years.

A link to the story in question right in the review would be nice.

6494511
Fixed, thanks.