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Chapter One

Oh my gosh I’m late. I’m late again! She’s never going to forgive me. It was work’s fault though! Silent Knight had kept me late to work on his section’s reviews. He got all huffy and said, ‘Warant Officer Azurite, I need these done yesterday! It isn’t my fault you and Sunny Day went to that toy factory and she mistook a plushie for you. Nor is it my fault that security detained you for sixteen hours while trying to locate your parents. Get this done.’

Oh I got it done Lieutenant Grumpy Butt. I got it done all right and I left you a little surprise. When you asked for decaffeinated tea I gave you the caffeinated kind. Try sleeping now! Mwahahaha.

I used my magic to unlock the door to my special castle. Which, by castle, I mean Sunny’s condo. It was home and I loved it. When I got inside it was quiet. “Soarin? Sunny? Hello?”

No response. “Hello? Anypony?”

Perhaps they were in the bedroom waiting to surprise me with surprising, spontaneous, special adult happy fun times. I hope so! My horn illuminated and pushed the bedroom door open. I bounced through. “Tah dah!”

Nothing. Well darn. Wait! They could be in the bathroom. We had shower adult happy fun times sometimes. I pushed that door and bounced through. “Tah dah!”

Strike two.

“Are you… under the bed!” I shouted before diving under it and immediately regretting it when my rump got stuck. The mattress was a lot closer to the floor than I had imagined. There was no way Soarin or Sunny could fit under here. Also I was stuck.

My hind hooves scrambled on the floor as I tried to worm my way back. Not much luck there. “Hello! Can somepony pull me out?” I set my hooves against the underside of the mattress and tried to push out. Nope… oh no. I’m really stuck.

Like really stuck! Would I be stuck here forever? Calm down Azurite, that is silly. Sunny or Soarin will be home soon. They were supposed to be home now! Soon. Now!

My heart started to bound a bit and I squealed, “Somepony please help me! I don’t want to be stuck under the bed forever and now that I’m here, I just realized I really need to use the filly’s room.”

Without warning I felt something grab my tail and start to tug me back. It wasn’t the most graceful of motions but with some effort I was extracted from my would-be, under-the-bed coffin.

“Sunny, thank goodness you’re home.” When I turned around though she wasn’t there. That was highly suspicious but before I could deal with that I had to deal with the filly’s room. After all, priorities were important.

***

After a thorough, Royal Guard style inspection of the condo I concluded that I was alone and that the tail puller had either absconded while I was in the filly’s room or didn’t exist at all. I suspected the former as somepony had most certainly pulled my tail.

I went to the kitchen and got a fizzy drink from the icebox, that would settle my nervous. When I turned around, there she was, sitting at the table looking at me with those deep blue button eyes. The kind of eyes a filly could get lost in.

You’re late.

“I know, I’m sorry! First there was this whole work thing and then I got stuck under the bed and a ghost pulled my tail! It has been one heck of a day? Where is everypony anyway? And hey… where were you when I got home?”

Pink Pony stared at me like I was crazy. Where I always am.

“Plush, I don’t know your life when I’m not here!” I exclaimed.

Mind your tone.

I lifted my hooves in supplication. “I’m sorry, you’re right.” After sipping on my fizzy drink I asked again, “Where is everypony? Did you see them come home at least?”

The larger minions have not arrived yet. It is likely their menial labors that they exchange for currency has kept them busy much in the same way yours did. A scarcity based society, how quaint.

“Hey, it isn’t menial. We’re professionals. And what do you mean quaint? What makes your society so much better?”

We do not force our little ones to labor endlessly for shiny metallic objects so that they may procure fizzy drinks and posters of water-soaked females.

I felt my cheeks burn red with embarrassment. I squealed, “I told you before, I’m an adult and those posters are for research.”

Pink Pony rolled her eyes. Do little ones not hide under the bed? Do little ones not need extraction when they are stuck? You are a little one. What would you do were I not here to protect you?

“Wait, what? You’re the one who pulled me out from under the bed?” Of course she was. That made total sense! Pink Pony was always looking out for me even if she was condescending sometimes. At least I didn’t have to worry about an intruder anymore. “Okay, you know what, I’m not going to argue this. Do you want to play cards?”

Yes. Bring all of your shiny objects. You shall need them.

***

Soarin and I walked through downtown Canterlot with our saddle bags full of goodies for Azurite’s surprise party. He and I had decided that we were going to celebrate our six month anniversary of her bringing us back together.

“Do you think she’ll be mad that we were late?” He asked.

I shook my head. “No, I told Silent Knight to come up with some excuse to keep her at the palace as late as possible so that we could set up. I’m sure he was able to do that.”

Soarin shrugged. “I don’t know Sunny, we’re pretty late and while Silent Knight is a pretty smart pony I’m not sure he could hold Azurite down that long. You know… unless he literally held her down. Which, actually, knowing him… that might be the tactic he went with.”

With a confident grin I replied, “Let’s just assume that he’d do whatever it takes to keep her where we need her. If not, you can distract her with a special dance while I set everything up.”

The stallion glared at me. “Why do I have to do the dance?”

“Because you’re bigger, you’ve got those wings you can use to block her vision, and you’re a far worse dancer than me. That alone is amusing and will keep her distracted.”

“This sounds unfair but sadly well reasoned. Kind of like a back of the hoof compliment.”

“Such is life stud. Now come on.”

Soarin was right actually. I’d gotten carried away at the store and we’d left over an hour later than I’d intended. Due to his schedule we’d also started an hour later than we’d planned. Such is life.

When we got to the condo I could see the lights were already on. “Alright, plan B it is!”

The big stallion groaned but nodded. “Such is my lot in life. Here…” He set his saddlebag across my back. “Let me go in first and take her into the bedroom. You get everything set up and then we’ll get started.”

“Good plan. Don’t fire her up too much though. Remember. This isn’t THAT kind of party. We’re going to celebrate the reunion, the good times, and make a special dinner. Plus we have all of these cute gifts!”

“Yeah… is it really wise to have gotten her more plush dolls? They seem kind of condescending and she’s gotten really close to Pink Pony. What if she gets jealous.”

I poked Soarin with a hoof. “Jealous? She’s a doll! You’re getting to be as bad as Azurite. The doll isn’t going to get jealous!” At least I hoped it wasn’t. Sometimes I could swear the thing was watching me. Why he ever got her a plush as big as her I’d never know. “Anyway, get to it.”

“Aye, aye captain,” he replied before leading the way up. He used his key and went inside, calling, “Hey Azurite I’m home. Oh… and what are you two up to?”

You two? Who was in there with her?

Chapter Two: Half-Baked Fish
“Huh? Oh, uh… hey.” Wow, Harmy, you totally just nailed your social skills you’ve been half-assedly trying to work on for the past month. Wait, what’s going on again? The yellow one doesn’t seem to know me. That’s not good. That’s confusion, right? I need to stay in my little apartment so I don’t have to take the time out to decipher random ponies’ facial expressions and then write about it.
“Didn’t expect to see you here, Harmy. How’s life?” Soarin trotted over to give me a hoof-shake; I stood up and obliged.
“Eh, interesting to say the least. I’ve got friends now—friends who like to play Go Fish.” I glanced over at Azurite and tried smiling, but I can’t help but think it came out as my trademark lopsided grin that looked like I was on the verge of sexually assaulting someone. I mean, it’s not like I try to be a creep. Really. Yellow pony looked confused, so I pivoted to face her and take a stab at introduction. Remember, Harmy, remember what you read in Upper Crust’s Beige Book of Canterlot Etiquette or whatever it was called…
“Um, hi? I’m Harmonic Hooves, CSO clarinettist. You?” I tried.
“Lieutenant Sunny Day.” That went better than expected.
“Ooh, that’s interesting.” I cracked a smile that I think looked moreso normal and resumed my elusive card game with Azurite. “Hmm, have you any princesses?” While Azurite pondered at her hoofful of thirty-odd cards, Sunny and Soarin whispered amongst themselves. Probably about me. Celestia help us all.
“Nope! Go fish!” Bummer. I swiped a card from the deck and glanced over at Sunny and Soarin, still carrying their conversation. “Wanna join?” I switched my attention back to Azurite, who was beaming with joy and looking towards her big pink friend. Never did I think I’d make a mare happy by playing Go Fish.
“No, but thanks for the offer.” At least he could smile without looking like a rapist. They moved out of my field of view and I heard a door behind me open and close. Heh, weird.
“Do you have any knights?” Azurite asked. I snapped back into focus and scanned my ever-growing hoof of cards. Darn, knights were always my lucky card. I put on my best faux-pouty face and hoofed my only knight over to little miss fun-size bluepone across from me, smiling like she just won the Equestrian Lottery. She put down a book of four, making the score seven to… three? Me losing. That smug little face of hers is gonna get slapped by a pillow if it doesn’t go away. …On the other hoof, a pillow fight sounds fun.
“Ooh, any sixes?” She’s at it again, curses! As I was pulling out my sixes of hearts and moons, an earthquake-like rumble reverberated throughout the apartment. I glanced out the window and nopony down below looked alarmed. Maybe some freak occurrence in the building? I didn’t think Canterlot was prone to earthquakes in the first place.
“Is… is this normal?” I asked. I turned around to face Soarin, peeking out through a door, just as intrigued as myself. “Apparently not?” I could hear a slow, brassy progression in minims faintly coming from the outside door. Sol, fa, mi-bemolle, re... Oh no, that chord progression isn’t anything good.
With a big wham and boom, everypony got knocked straight to the ground. It was a blasting trumpet fanfare now, sol, la, fa, sooollll… I knew exactly what was coming. Azurite coughed and wheezed through the mess of drywall dust and playing cards blowing through the room while Soarin had his wings spread out in a half-baked battle stance. Where’s Sunny, anyway?
Azurite hacked out a slobbery chunk of plaster, landing right on my snout. I’m not sure if I should be like ‘ew’ or go with it. “What in Equestria?!” she yelled over top the incessant music. The dust settled and I could see a looming figure above us, slowly approaching from the gaping hole in the wall opposite me. What remained of the lights was flickering on and off, and I could only assume the screams above and below us were that of the fellow residents thinking good ol’ Runic crashed an airship again. Again.
What is it? What’s the silhouette? I started doubting myself. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe this is the apocalypse, only Celestia knows. I, the shameless character self-insert, did nothing but laugh maniacally. I wrought this upon us all.
“Would you like to join us in a game of Go Fish, Mr. Cena?”

"Yo, it's Pone Cena here in Canter-L-O-T and I gotta lotta things on my mind, ya see. I ain't got time for yo' Fish, even if they was gold. I'm set to layeth chaos down like Discord of old. You can't see me, you can't stop me, I'm lyrically superior. The Elements of Harmony can kiss my posterior. It's about to get epic and I don't mean Sunbutt's rear. I'm'a take pink pony and blow on outta here. Life may teach lessons, but there's one Twilight hasn't learned. To go from babyface to heel takes a single turn."

"What the buck is this fruity-colored, style-challenged stallion talking about." Harmonic wondered loudly. With speed that surprised even the Wonderbolt, Cena launched himself at the hapless CSO and sent him through the table with an Attitude Adjustment.

"He said he's going to take Pink Pony!" Azurite exclaimed. "Buck him up, Soarin!"

"That's an awful grown-up word from such a small filly. If your ho's volunteering you; I'll knock you silly." Cena responded.

"Ugh, if he keeps responding in rap, I'm going to knock myself silly." Soarin groaned as he readied himself for Cena's attack.

"Hold it right there, jabroni.” A voice called from the doorway. Sunny stood next to a massive brown stallion with a stone bull-head cutie mark.

“Rocky Marevia?” Azurite asked in confusion.

Sunny explained. “He’s a good friend and he lives just off campus.”

"Listen up, you knuckle-shufflin' chucklehead. The Rock’s got something to say about a Pony who turns his back on the millions AND MILLIONS of fans Equestria-wide. Who do you think you are?”

“Clean out your ears, I’m Po-“

“IT DON’T MATTER WHO YOU ARE! Now you got one shot here before the Rock takes his big size 14 horseshoe, shines it up real nice and shoves it up your candy-plot! Because nopony, and I mean nopony, uses Pink Pony for evil.”

***

"What have we learned?" Princess Luna asked the odd assortment of ponies.

"Don't try to take over the world with a fun-sized, stuffed pony." Cena said, head hung down.

"Horseshoes don't go there." Rocky said mournfully, favoring his rear ankle as he stood.

"Apparently, adorableness can be weaponized." Sunny contributed.

"I guess we need to keep an extra eye out around Azurite." Soarin joked.

Luna's gaze came to rest on the little blue mare. "Hmm. Perhaps I should take Azurite and Pink Pony into my care." Azurite found herself in Luna's grasp. "I shall call her...mini-me." In a flash, Azu was dressed identically to the Princess of the Night, right down to her cutie mark.

"Uh-oh." Azurite said quietly.

Chapter Four: The Ships Go Sailing On

Uh-oh indeed, my little pony.

I know not why she brought me to these proceedings. I was supposed to be a key witness to the shenanigans that occurred, but none of these ponies have asked me a single question.

Oh, don’t start with me, Diver Pony. You’re the one who told me to dress up in the first place. And I think this coral tie looks great with my eyes.

Fine. Ignore me. We’ll see how you feel tonight when I don’t hold you until we fall asleep.

“We won’t let you get away with this,” Sunny Day shouted, dropping into a combat stance. “You may be the Princess of the Night, but together, Soarin and I are stronger than you’ll ever be.”

“Yeah!” Soarin looked at her. “I think it’s time.”

Great. Not this again. Diver Pony, can you—oh. Right. We’re not speaking. I sigh. Ooh, bubbles!

Sunny dropped her head low and stuck her rump higher in the air. “Princess, I hope you’re prepared.”

Soarin rose up onto his hindlegs, his wings flaring out to the sides. “If you’re not, you better be scared.”

“Are they rhyming?” Rocky Marevia asked, looking at Pone Cena and Harmonic Hooves.

Harmonic shrugged lightly. “It may have just been a coincidence.”

It wasn’t.

With a toss of her mane and a flick of her tail, Sunny wiggled her way closer to Soarin and he took her in his forelegs. “We love our Azurite.”

“So we’re going to make this right…”

Harmonic blinked. “I guess it wasn’t a coincidence.”

Told you so.

Soarin spun her around and as he dipped her low, they snapped their heads to the side to look at Luna and shouted in unison, “Together!”

A bright light enveloped them and they morphed into one large, six-legged alicorn. Her—because all alicorns are female, of course—wings were light blue with a few yellow feathers throughout and her coat was yellow with blue hooves. She had Sunny’s long tail and Soarin’s windswept mane.

Pone Cena started to back up. “Okay, now that’s just weird! Too weird for POOONE CEEENAAA!” He glanced at the nearest window and ran toward it. “I’m out!”

Soarunny reared up to stand on four legs with the front two free to clap together. “Well, well, well,” she said in a voice that was both Sunny’s and Soarin’s at the same time. It was strange. I didn’t care much for it. “Looks like somepony’s been a very bad pony.”

Princess Luna rose to her full height, which was still less than Soarunny’s. “Sunny! Soarin! You know that the magic of fusion is forbidden. I’ll have to place you under arrest for this transgression!”

“Not until you give us back our Azu!” Soarunny glared at Luna.

I looked over at Diver Pony. Can you believe this? Honestly. They could just share her. That’s how they resolved their problems before, so I don’t see why they couldn’t do the same now.

You wouldn’t understand, Diver Pony. You’ve only been with me… Only… with me… Oh, I can’t stay mad at you!

Harmonic turned to face Rocky Marevia. “Want to play some Go Fish?”

Rocky slung a foreleg around Harmonic’s shoulders and they started toward the door. “Anything but being here, my new friend.”

Luna’s horn started to glow with magic and Soarunny did the same, both alicorns yelling, “KAAAA—”

“Princess Luna!” a feminine voice called as a unicorn burst in through the door.

“MEEEHAAAwhat?” Luna’s magic fizzled out and she looked away. “Crystal? Is that—cripes!” Soarunny’s beam hit the side of Luna’s head. “That stings!”

The unicorn that, upon closer inspection, I recognized as Crystal Wishes skidded to a halt and looked at all the chaos. Her eyes briefly met mine. I tried to send a series of SOS bubbles, hoping she could save me from this insanity. She looked away.

I’ll remember that when Diver Pony and I take over the world, Crystal Wishes. I’ll remember that.

Crystal Wishes finally said, “Oh, I’m sorry. Am I interrupting something?”

Princess Luna encircled Soarunny in a silvery-blue bubble shield and gestured toward her seating area.

“Hey!” Azurite ran over to the bubble and poked it with a hoof. “Let them go!”

They ignored my little pony and kept walking over to sit down instead. Which meant they were coming toward me, as Azurite had put my bowl on the coffee table. Look alive, Diver Pony. We’re finally going to get the attention we were promised!

Crystal looked right past me at the princess. It’s because you weren’t smiling, Diver Pony. This is why we can’t have nice things.

Princess Luna levitated some teacups to her and Crystal. “What brings you by this fine day, Crystal?”

Crystal smiled and turned her head to look at the door. “Come on in, my love. Let’s tell her the news together.”

How perplexing. Silent Knight was already in the room. He was standing guard. I know that because when he had walked in to take up post by the door, Princess Luna’s secretary had asked him what he was doing standing guard when that’s not his job. Apparently, standing guard means staring at walls. I stand guard a lot.

Diver Pony does, too. But he doesn’t do it right. He doesn’t do anything right. Except cuddles. And bubble smooches.

I miss you already, Diver Pony… You’re so close, yet so far away… Oh, come here!

A chorus of gasps from all the ponies drew my attention away from my ex-ex-ex-ex-lover when Velvet Step walked in, a nervous look on her face. Silent Knight looked away from the wall to give Crystal a curious frown.

“I wanted to tell you first in private, Princess,” Crystal said as she reached a hoof out toward Velvet, who walked over and took it in her own. “But it looks like Silent is here, so I’ll tell you both together. Velvet and I are getting married.”

Princess Luna clapped her hooves. “Oh, that’s delightful! Another wedding! We’ll start planning it right away. Will Silent Knight be your stallion of honor?”

“What’s going on?” Silent asked, but none of the ponies seemed to mind him. I did. I wanted to know the answer, too. But no one seemed to care.

Crystal sighed and shook her head. “Actually, about that, I—”

“Wait!” Willowy Tempest, the princess’s secretary, jumped over her desk. “Princess, you can’t plan Miss Crystal’s wedding.”

Princess Luna straightened up and looked at her aide. “And why not?”

Willowy fidgeted before reaching under her wing and producing a black box. “Because you have to plan our wedding! Princess, I wanted to ask this to you in private over dinner tonight, but will you please marry me?”

“Oh, my!” Princess Luna covered her mouth with a hoof. “This is all so sudden!”

“Hey,” Azurite chimed from where she sat, leaning against the bubble, “can you at least let me inside the shield? They already unfused and started making out and I kinda want in on the action, too…”

Princess Luna’s attention was on the giant diamond ring before her, so much so that she didn’t notice when a cloaked figure burst in through a window.

“BLAH!” the figure cried, cloak flapping about as they landed. “Blah! Velvet, I have come for you!”

Velvet shrieked. “Vampony!”

Crystal and Silent rolled their eyes and said at the same time, “There’s no such thing as—”

The figure’s cloak billowed back to reveal a red-eyed pony baring sharp fangs, their coat a muted shade of brown. “BLAH!” In a puff of smoke, they transformed into a large bat and jumped into the air, grabbed Velvet around her middle, and flew back out the window, Velvet screaming the whole way.

“Oh.” Crystal blinked. “I guess they did exist after all.” She sighed and looked over at Silent. “I’m sorry, dear, but it looks like the new wedding’s off. I can’t marry Velvet anymore.”

Diver Pony, did you see that? Did you hear that? She’s not even going after her! I would go after you. In fact, let’s do it. Let’s get married!

“Did somepony say ‘marry Velvet’?!” a new voice cried and a mare ran into the room. She was tall, rather gorgeous, and was more mane than anything else. “No! I won’t allow it! She stole my kiss virginity, and she’s supposed to marry ME!”

Crystal sighed. “Sorry, Perennial. I told you already that I had dibs on her. But we both lose, because a vampony stole her.”

Perennial huffed and stood up on her hindlegs. “No! I will rescue my kiss-stealing princess!” She started to spin around on one hindleg. She spun faster and faster until she started to lift off the ground. “I’m coming for you, Velvet!”

What strange lives these ponies lead, Diver Pony. I wonder where their paths will take them next? It makes me so grateful that we live in this bowl where it’s safe... Now, come here and give me a kiss.

Bloop.

Chapter Six: The Greatest Fear, the Greatest Fall

During the late 700th century, legendary vampony hunter Perennial Van Transit is a unicorn cursed with a past she cannot recall and driven by a mission she cannot deny. Perennial Van Transit finds a land still mired in the past, where legendary creatures of darkness come to life. A place ruled over by the evil, seductive and unbeatable vampony, Count Murderslice. It is Murderslice that Perennial is set to destroy.

Velvet Step is one of the last of a powerful baking family, now nearly annihilated by Murderslice and her business practices. Terrified of vamponies, Velvet is bent on studiously avoiding Muderslice, oblivious to an an evil ancient curse while she pursues ballet. But before her career can begin, Count Murderslice kidnaps her in the midst of a chaotic meeting between great leaders and a fish. Consumed by her great love for Velvet, Perennial sets out to destroy Murderslice along with her empire of fear and sugary cakes.

But in challenging an enemy who never dies, Perennial Van Transit uncovers a secret she never imagined.

-brooding, spooky and fog filled scene break-

"Fear not dear Velvet! I shall rescue you yet, beloved!" Perennial bellowed at the top of her lungs at the great spire before her.

She had galloped many miles through swamps, over hills and — with the grace befitting a ballet dancer turned vampony hunter — an entire warehouse full of fine china. But finally she had reached her destination. She just hoped she was not too late.

From atop the tower, Velvet hung precariously. Rope twisted from her hind legs to a coil knotted around the horns of a grimacing gargoyle, fraying over the rough concrete. Despite her ballet pedigree, it seemed her muscles had not fared well against the strain. She hung limp.

She looked close to passing out, mumbling deliriously and babbling nonsense such as, “I don’t really even like you that way what the hell Perennial.” Perennial concluded it was merely the blood pooling in her head.

Beneath Velvet was a sprawling and crumbling church, the moonlight casting great shadows across the decaying plant life. Perennial took care not to step into any marshy puddles.

As she approached the entrance to the church, she heard a cackle of laughter like rolling thunder. Her hooves almost stumbled, but she remained strong and continued undaunted.

A voice bellowed, “You vill never rescue her! She ish mine, and I vill drain her bluuuud!”

The hunter knew that evil and somewhat slurred speech. Count Murderslice. The most evil vampony baker in Equestria.

“Not if I have anything to say about it!” She cried in return.

A shadow flowed across a small stained glass window high above.

“Anth sthoon, you vill never say anything again!” Evil laughter trailed after Murderslice’s proclamation.

Perennial’s face whitened, but her resolve stood firm. She marched forward, and a great clamour echoed through the church as she slammed open its massive doors, and drew her lilac-scented sun crescent cross.

Originally designed as a medal for great warriors in service of Equestria, these crosses — that were actually crescents — were found to be only of the few defenses against vamponies; the other was lilac. Most vamponies were allergic, and it gave them terrible sniffles. Which of course only exacerbated their speech impediment. They are not however allergic to crescent shaped crosses, they just don’t like Celestia very much.

All went quiet in the church. Perennial moved slowly through the pews, her mind only too aware of Velvet’s ever-worsening predicament. But she couldn’t let her guard down now, not with Murderslice skulking through the shadows.

“Come to me Murderslice, and we shall settle this like a ballet dancer and a baker must, with vigor and- what in Celestia’s name is that?!” Perennial, mid-speech, had walked by an alcove covered in pictures of vamponies surrounded by eclairs, with many of those vamponies in distressingly risque positions; chocolate and cream looked to be getting just about everywhere.

“Excuse me, Murderslice.” Perennial strained her head to look up to the rafters, and continued, “But what the heck is all this?”

A muffled cough floated down from above. “Ith’s not- Ith’s not what it looths like.”

“It looks like a bunch of vamponies getting it on with confectionary.”

“Oh. Yeth. Ith’s kind of what it looths like.”

Just then, a scream echoed from outside.

Followed by the voice of Velvet yelling “Perennial! Would you hurry it up already!”

“Goodness. Of course, beloved!” Perennial replied.

“You vill nefer take her alive!” Interjected Count Murderslice.

The vampony leapt from the ceiling, gliding down on her leathery wings.

Perennial watched her land, the Count’s wings flaring up upon her reaching the ground. A menacing sight. Or it would be, were it not for the pastry caked onto her back.
They began to circle each other, the vampony silently moving through the pews. Perennial Van Transit glared back, her crescent-cross bared in front of her. The vampony hissed at the infernal object.

Murderslice came to a sudden stop, and reared up on her her hind hooves. Just as she decided to leap, the great doors of the church flew open. Both mortal enemies looked towards the commotion, to find two figures shrouded in shadows. A great sword crossed the back of one, and some kind of plate was held in the other’s mouth. The figures looked up, removed their hoods, and the moonlight then revealed their visages.

Perennial gasped in shock. Murderslice hissed in frustration. Velvet squealed with terror as bats flew into her upturned face.

The pony with the plate looked gently upon Perennial.

The one with the sword shot a stunning glare towards Muderslice, before declaring, “Oiu mademoiselles! It is I, Prince Savior Fare! And my wife, High Lady Horsey!”

Savior continued to stare down Murderslice, orbs radiating hate. He proceeded, “And you, Count Murderslice, shall perish! And we will rescue our beloved, Velvet!”

Perennial’s eyes shot wide. “Your beloved?!” She asked, vehemently. “She will never be yours!”

Murderslice grinned at the newcomers, and said “Yes! You will not have her, she will be mine for eternity. Will shall bake forever!”

The four ponies glanced suspiciously at one another. It looked as though the melee would begin in earnest.

Once again, Velvet’s scream sent everyone into alarm. They all looked out of a window to see a shadow falling from a gargoyle, rope hanging loose.

Velvet was plummeting to her death. She then came to an abrupt stop, saved from certain demise by... Well, she couldn’t quite tell. It was dark, and she lay atop them. Whoever it was, she thanked Luna that the four lunatics in the church hadn’t managed to get their hands on her. She just hoped her fourth rescuer in a row would be more sensible. She strained her neck, and who she saw in the gloom left her speechless.

Chapter Five: Rainy Canterlot

=====

Three Days Prior

The torrential rain came down in waves, a dulling wash that covered the bleak city of Canterlot. Only the occasional flash of lightning and the long rumble of thunder provided any peace from the monotonous setting that was the silent darkness of my office.

A flash illuminated the room, briefly drawing long shadows across the floor and highlighted the words that were written on the windowed door, Mr. Russet Rook, Private Detective. It was a difficult life, being a private detective. It was hard work and the job never let off. I never asked for this; I had left home naïve, ready to take on the world, and ready to leave everything behind, but fate had other plans for me, if fate was a royal guard captain named Shining Armor.

A stout knock sounded against the door before it swung open to reveal a mare silhouetted against the light of the hallway outside—definitely a mare, her frame barely concealed by her trench coat. She paused, and I flicked on the desk light which flickered twice before buzzing steadily.

I recognized her, Mrs. Crystal Wishes, a mare who had a nasty case of doing things her own way and the reputation to back it up. Things always seemed to go right when it came to her, and anyone who suggested that strings were being pulled always went quiet. A pretty face, for sure, but they were all like that. A pretty face was always trouble.

“I don’t suppose you’re here for pleasure now, Mrs. Wishes?” I edged. They never were, but being wishful never hurt.

“I’m afraid not, Mr. Rook. I need a pony,” she said, reaching into her coat.

“And I need a name, sweetheart.”

To this Mrs. Wishes simply placed a picture on the desk between us. It was a simple portrait, but the pony in it was anything but. Sharp, vibrant eyes stared out of the dull, waxy image, as if challenging me to find her.

“Who’s this? A past lover?”

“Not exactly,” she said, but her tone was cold. I’d struck a nerve. “Her name is Velvet Step. She’s a dancer with the Canterlot Ballet. She disappeared from the city a few days ago and I haven’t heard anything since. She left everything, so it isn’t likely that she skipped town.”

“It seems like you’ve put a lot of thought into it, Mrs. Wishes.” I looked up to her, into her eyes. She was hiding something. Nopony ever came to me without snooping around a bit more, and there was no doubt she’d come across something she didn’t want me to know.

“Indeed I have. Please find her quickly, Mr. Rook. She’s very dear to me.” She tipped her head once, her eyes never leaving mine before turning to leave. “I wish you the best of luck.”

“Leaving so soon?”

“I’m a busy mare, Mr. Rook,” she replied with a sly smile.

I watched as she turned with a flourish, leaving the office. She had no questions for me. She didn’t give me a number to dial if I had information.

She knew how to make things end with a storybook ending, so I knew I wouldn’t be the only player in the game. I wouldn’t be surprised if I wasn’t the first detective she came to. This pony was obviously important to her, and I’d just been hired to play a character in her story.

I looked down at the photograph she’d left on my desk. A generic mare with a pink coat, pink mane, and pinkish eyes stared back. At least that mare had given me a lead: the Canterlot Ballet.

Wondering if it was too late to find tickets for their next show, I tossed my trench coat around myself and carefully tucked the picture into it. It wasn’t a good lead, but it was better than nothing. I pulled a fedora down over my eyes and stepped out into the rainy, bleak city of Canterlot. I had a mare to find.

=====

I stood outside of the dark, stoic building of the Royal Canterlot Theatre. It was two days since Mrs. Wishes walked into my office, but it could’ve been a few hours ago for all the work I had to show. All leads were dead ends. Supposedly there was a Velvet family that ran a sweet shop, but the word on the street was that it was a front for a cupcake operation and I wasn’t paid enough to dig into that. Gangsters don't take well to detectives snooping around their business. Mrs. Crystal’s ballet lead had been promising, until every pony I asked after the show denied ever knowing the elusive mare.

I stood there under the tattered awning outside the theatre, sheltered from the perpetual rain of the city. I was waiting for a contact, a police detective who said she knew Velvet from another case she’d worked on.

A particularly cold gust swept past me, and I grasped my fedora tightly. The contact was late. She was known for being a paper-pusher. It wasn’t how I did my line of work but no one could deny that she got results. I’d never met her, but I’d heard good things about the mare.

I watched a young filly moving her wheelchair-bound mother up the street. There was only one umbrella for the two of them, held by the older mare. It was a harsh time, and ponies led a harsh life. If there was—

“Lieutenant Rook?”

I looked over and saw that the filly was next to me now. She stared at me with innocent curiosity. I recognized that look—I had it too, before I became a detective and uncovered one too many of the nasty secrets that Canterlot had to offer.

“I know you’re off duty, but I thought I could give you the papers you wanted—“

“Warrant Officer! You broke the atmosphere! Do you not know how this works?”

“No?” she looked to Sandy Shores, who nodded sagely.

“You’re not supposed to break character, Azu. Very important,” Sandy said.

“Break character? Break what character?”

Ignoring her, I looked at her small frame. It wasn’t what I had expected, but I’d learned that in this trade, looks didn’t matter. The commissioner, Shining Armor, had taught me that when he looked through my façade and saw the potential in me. He thought I never knew it was there, but he was wrong. I’d thrown it away. I wanted a quiet life, one that—

“Sandy, why’s the lieutenant just staring at me? Is he okay?”

“Hush, Azurite. They do this sometimes. You just have to wait a little bit.”

One that I could live the cushy life. One that I didn’t have to wipe the grime off of every night. Still, I had a pony to find.

“Sweetheart, have you ever heard the name Velvet Step? Gaudy character, from what I can gather.”

“Are you talking to me?”

“No one else to talk to but you, sweetheart.”

“Well, there’s Sandy, and you’ve been talking to yourself for a while so I though—“

“Detective, I just want the files,” I forced. Some mares were tricky, but I’d dealt with them before.

“I’m not a detective, sir? Here are the files, though.”

I took the folder into my hoof. It was hefty, and as I watched the drops of rain darken the rough material, I wondered. What kind of pony was Velvet Step to lead such a life? Only the rough ones had files this thick. Though I realized then it shouldn’t have been a surprise. A pony that Crystal Wishes was hunting must’ve had a character. Crystal Wishes herself was quite a character.

=====

That night I dined on the cheap food of the Spearhead Tavern. It was a dark, solemn place. A place for old dogs like me, who couldn’t bring themselves to show their faces in the public. The only light was provided by lanterns placed at every table. Light flickered over the papers that were spread across the table and threw the letters into a chaotic game of hide-and-seek.

Half of it documented her time with the ballet, so I pushed those papers out of the way. It was a dead end, and the detective probably thought it was useful. That’s the problem with paper-pushers. She didn’t ask around, so she didn’t know it was all faked.

Something caught my attention, though: an address, hastily scrawled in dark ink at the bottom of a page with the name ‘Velvet Step’ written below it. So maybe the mystery mare did exist, I thought. I finished gathered the papers and left the tavern. The only face that saw me leave was the weary-eyed bartender, who was cleaning a glass with a towel dirtier than the floorboards.

As I made my way into the street, I saw that the rain had stopped, but a dreary overcast had taken its place. A chill forced me to wrap my trench coat tighter around myself. Canterlot was a dreary place. No better than the streets of Manehatten, but at least I could call Manehatten home. The city was smaller, but the politics rougher.

As I made my way to Velvet Step’s home, I wondered who the mare was. Her picture gave no indication. No cutie mark. No lifestyle. No pony beyond the face that was tucked close to my chest.

I rounded to the corner and saw a construction site where Ms. Step’s condominium should have been. Had the address been wrong, I thought. Perhaps the paper-pusher detective wasn’t as good as she was acclaimed to be. No, I checked it again and again, and I came to the dizzying conclusion then: Velvet Step had never existed at all.

I should have known from the beginning. Crystal Wishes was known to pull the strings of puppets, and I should have known that was who Velvet Step was, another puppet of Mrs. Wishes.

It struck me then. Mrs. Wishes had given the police detective the files, like she’d given me the name of a ballet company that had never hired a mare named Velvet Step. The detective probably didn’t know any better, fooled by Mrs. Wishes just like she’d fooled me. Just like how she fooled everyone.

Everything began to fall together, now. The picture she’d given be was as bland as could be because she wanted it to be bland. That was the only way I’d have taken the job, knowing that it was a challenge. What a fool I’d been. The case had been a ruse from the very beginning, all for the sake of what, though?

The sky broke, and the rain began to fall. It ran down my neck and soaked the documents I held in my hooves, but it didn’t matter. They were faked. I knew it then: Crystal Wishes was a broken mare, who was good at making up ponies. Too good. Good enough that she made the mare of her wishes, a pony to love. When she found that Velvet Step didn’t exist, she hired me to find Velvet Step for her.

It was a shame to know that Mrs. Wishes wasn’t the mare she made everyone think she was. She was stuck in the past, stuck on an ex-lover that never existed. It was another ugly wound that would become a scar of Canterlot. It was like all the other scars that the city tried to hide. You couldn’t hide a scar from a detective, though.

—Excerpt of Case File 62-135, conducted by Mr. Russet Rook, Private Detective

"And this is why mares rule the world," Crystal said, watching Lieutenant Rook stand in the rain holding soggy papers, "because stallions get nothing done. I guess I have to get someone else to save Velvet..."

Chapter Seven: Odd Turn of Events

Velvet was looking at her fourth rescuer expecting a rather handsome stallion or something of the sorts. What she didn't have in mind was that her said rescuer was um... a changeling? Velvet was so confused on how to respond to this sudden change of events, she didn't hear her supposed rescuer's words, "Did I come at a bad time or something? Because I could just drop you down on the ground here and leave you be..."

She kind of panicked a bit as Velvet tried to reassure her rescuer. Well, at least she was sensible so there was that, "No! I'm thankful for the rescue! I just didn't..."

"Expect me to be the rescuer?" Velvet could only close her mouth in response to that. The changeling just chuckled, she was not so sure whether to treat that as a good thing or a bad thing considering their... You know what, that's getting off topic with the story here, we're supposed to be silly here! "Honestly, I only rescued you cause I thought you were going to commit suicide there..."

And we lost the silly shenanigans... Velvet was looking at her rescuer in shock at first before letting a puff of steam out of her nose in anger. Does that count as a slow return to the silliness?, "I was not committing suicide there! I was pushed off the thing by somepony and was screaming in fear! What made you think that I was committing suicide of all things!?" I guess it kind of does now that I wrote that... Wait I'm getting off topic again, back to the focus of the story!

Dude, you just wrote what you noted into the story...

..........God bloody damn it!

Her rescuer chuckled again. That agitated Velvet a bit more despite her best to be reserved, "I don't know, I haven't been around my friends long enough to know the difference between a suicide or somepony pushing you as you said..."

"Which is true!" Velvet rebutted. The changeling just shrugged with indifference much to her annoyance. They lowered themselves down nearby a forest of sorts allowing Velvet to take a breather. Can't those two just get along right now? I'm starting to get a bit annoyed of them not getting along well.

Dude, this is a story, you're not supposed to interrupt me here!

Well, sorry that I'm bored here, can you just end it here now?

No! And I'm still continuing the story damn it! Anyway, as they landed, Velvet took a look back to notice that they were rather far from their original destination. This kind of baffled her, how did they get so far from the castle itself? She decided to put the question behind as she looked towards her rescuer, "Thanks--" and found that she was not there anymore, "What the?" Did you just make her a figment of an imagination there?

No I did not, and stop interrupting me here! The changeling's head poked out of the forest as she was looking at Velvet with her azure colored eyes. Wait, don't all changelings have green eyes? Her question was interrupted by the said changeling in question "Well, are you coming or something?" Velvet just hmmph and followed her into the creepy, dark, scary forest that she was denying herself being scared of, to which it failed epically and dramatically. Just as she thought of that, wolves howled tonight and she jumped with a scream. She hugged the nearest object aka her changeling rescuer to which she looked at me in confusion, "What? Scared of the wolves howling?"

The question itself allowed Velvet to back away and try, emphasis on try, to put a brave façade, "N-no I'm not! No wolves can scare me! I just got off guard is all! Nothing wrong against that right!?"

The changeling just looked at her more confused, "You know I can smell your fear right?"

"Sh-shush you!" Her rescuer just shrugged as they walked through the scary forest that doesn't scare Velvet. Nope not at all, was never scared of this in the first place. The sound of a branch breaking made her jump again as she went on the changeling's back, "Am not scared! Just... am tired and want to lay down on your back please... Er, what's your name per chance?" She almost did a facehoof in return for forgetting to ask her rescuer the one thing she would always for strangers.

The changeling left a simple laugh as she continued to walk with Velvet on her back, "Noir... and I hope you stay on my back for too long. I'm not as strong as I look you know..."

Despite her being scared, she couldn't help but question the name, "Noir? What, like you named yourself that because you like those dark and old murder stuff in the comic books or something?" That managed to get a laugh out of Velvet. Her rescuer on the other hoof was not into the joke itself, "What? It was funny!"

Noir could only sigh from her predicament, "Not really, I..." She actually pondered about those comics for a second before taking back what she was about to say, "Actually, in a bit of a way, yes I named myself after those dark and old murder stuff in those comics. What, something wrong with those?" Mate, can you end this right now? I'm getting bored of waiting...

I'm getting there, be patient... and shut up with your groaning! "No, nothing wrong with them at all, just didn't think a changeling of all things would named themselves after those comics..." That earned her a questionable look from Noir as they continued down the forest path, "What? I can't say that when you're around?" The changeling just shrugged to her question. Velvet was thinking of taking back what she said with Noir being sensible right now... They continued on with trotting through the scary, dark... Could you stop repeating that? It's starting to get annoying right now

Friend-o, that is my decision and I say... sure why not, it was getting to me as well. Besides, a change of scenery would be a good time now! Out of the forest and supposedly away from the castle itself, they now stood upon a... barren wasteland? When did they get into a empty desert lookalike? Both looked at each other in confusion before both shrugged and continued to walk ahead of them. A dust storm picked up from behind them and they disappeared without a trace. That's it? Well on the bright side, at least we get to see who tries to write off after this...

Eeyup, now if you'll excuse me, I have to edit this all out because you made me write out what we said you bleeding idiot!

Whatever, I'm out of here anyway...

Get back here you imbecile!

Well that happened! Giggles Geez those two can get very silly at times, right readers? Oops, I'm breaking the fourth wall right now! Welp, no time but to say bye! Oh, can I tag someone please!?

Pretending that never happened to me

Chapter 8: Windblown

Velvet was flailing her legs, flying through the air on the wind.

"Help!" She yelled, hoping Noir could fly through this. After a short wait, she felt something under her, and saw the very changeling that rescued her. Noir flapped his bug wings and flew to the ground, panting.

Velvet hopped off of him, taking a look into his azure eyes. They're actually... beautiful... like the ocean...

She scanned him up and down, realizing he was about as cute as Red Velvet. She then met his eyes again.

A blush appeared on her cheeks. "Hey, Noir?"

"Yeah?" He asked as Velvet flirtatiously fluttered her eyelashes. She approached him, and then sloppily kissed him right on the lips.

Noir stood, dumbfounded. "Uh... you just fed a changeling your love. You know that, right?"

Velvet snorted. "Like I care! You saved my life!" She now hugged him. "Oh, I love you! You're my Red Velvet!"

Somehow, Sunbeam popped out from the sky. "Hurray! I guess my little sugarlump will be enjoying éclairs soon!" She said as she magically disappeared again.

Noir felt his stomach explode with butterflies. "Uh... well... I-I guess you're a beautiful mare..."

Velvet jumped into the air. "Yay!"

"NOT SO FAST!" A voice called. Velvet looked up to see Perennial somehow twirling through the air.

"Perennial, what the hay are you doing here?!" Velvet asked as Perennial landed on the ground. She ran up to Velvet, her eyes filled with tears.

"Why can't I be your Red Velvet?!" She asked, tears now falling down her face.

Velvet stared at her, surprised. "Wait... what?"

Perennial hugged Velvet, her tears still falling. "Velvet, I love you!"

Velvet stared down at Perennial in surprise. "Erm..."

Perennial was pulled away from her in an instant. Velvet looked to see Noir carrying her. He threw her on the ground, standing in front of Velvet.

"Nopony. Messes. With. My. Velvey!" He shouted as he bared his fangs.

Perennial got back up, snarling. "Oh, you little cockroach! I can give Velvet much more than you ever can!"

Noir looked back to Velvet and then Perennial. "I doubt it."

Perennial's eyes were red with fury. She swung a hoof, striking Noir in the face.

Velvet looked at them, her jaw dropped. Oh goodness... this is going to get ugly...

She was right. Noir and Perennial were throwing punches and kicks... and... it looked like Perennial didn't care about getting her hooves dirty. For a split second, Velvet found herself admiring Perennial's fighting techniques.

After Noir threw a few more punches, Perennial twirled into the air. "Oh, that's it!" She yelled. A glow overtook her body and she transformed into a half-alicorn, half-dragon, and half-draconequus hybrid. She growled, her horn lighting up.

Velvet gawked, not believing what she was seeing. Perennial has become the most awesome creature she had ever seen! She's so... amazing... so... graceful... and beautiful...

Noir suddenly doubled his height and charged his horn, ready to fight the Perennial monster. Though, Velvet had to admit, Perennial looked cooler by a longshot.

The two were zapping magic at each other, and Velvet was watching both with admiration.

About half way through, she realized something:

I want to call both of them my Red Velvet!

Chapter 9: Turnabout.

The path wound about aimlessly, shifting and fading in and out of the mire like a drunken reedsnake - how or why a reedsnake would ever end up drunk, Crystal had no idea. The air was humid and cloying, but on the nearer side of chilly, making streamers of mist rise and fall in a slow dance that would randomly cut their vision down to just a couple ponylengths. As if the whole area wasn't creepy enough, a dark, spindly castle jutted up in the distance beyond the scraggly trees.

Actually, it wasn't that far now.

Silent stopped suddenly. They must be here.

Sure enough, the castle was just on the other side of a swath of clear, though wildly unkempt, ground. As though it had waited for just this moment, lighting split the sky above and behind the edifice and the following crash shook the very ground on which they stood.

Like in times long gone now, Crystal found herself suddenly several steps from where she'd been and nestled snugly under one of Silent's wings. He was so strong - so protective - and gave an aura of such assured safety...

No! She stepped away, both of them studiously not looking at each other's blushing faces. She was with Velvet now! Or would be once the marriage was finalized.

"Azu, honey? Are you alright?"

Behind them, a muffled 'no' emanated from Soarin's saddlebags. Crystal had been wondering what had happened to their smallest party member.

He sighed. "Alright, well just hang tight. You're safe in there. Come out whenever you're ready."

Silent was studiously examining the castle's exterior.

"I think it's a trap," Soarin' chimed in. "That weird noir cosplayer detective can't possibly be right that there's an actual vampony here. You know how weird those fans get. But I could totally see some kind of cartel or mob boss using this as an obvious distraction from whatever else they have in the area."

Silent just nodded. Silently. He gave Soarin' a piercing look that brushed by Crystal. She shivered at the thought of how disappointed he must be that she'd gone right back to Velvet. After all, it's not like he could have them both, no matter how...

She shook such lascivious thoughts from her head. She was a good little filly who had been raised proper and didn't think such things! Nope!

The damp ground squished underhoof as they crossed cautiously to the castle. It was a perfect location to ambush them, and she could see every pony's steps trembling at the possibility that they'd been spotted. Even Soarin's saddleback shook slightly of its own accord. And yet, the castle remained devoid of moving forms or prying eyes. Somehow, that just made everything worse.

Crystal was all for bolting into the relative safety of the open doorway when Silent paused and motioned to the ground around him. Crystal looked around at all the detritus - flinders of wood as though a great explosion had taken the door, chips of stone and dust, and a short length of frayed rope littered the area. She couldn't make head or tail of it all, but Silent kept pointing out various things.

"Yup, I agree," Soarin' said, following along with Silent's hoof. "Looks like some kind of fight. I'd say... six, maybe seven ponies. Could be more, but it's hard to tell on the cobbles." His eyes drew upward. "Huh... I wonder what that wood boom is for. See? The one over the entrance?"

She did! But she also couldn't say. "B-but... What about Velvet? Can you tell if she was here?"

Silent held out a hoof. On it was a long, glimmering pink hair.

Crystal gasped, yanking the strand away and clutching it to her breast. Warmth filled her as she held the piece of Velvet. They must be close!

Silent tilted his head and Soarin' stepped up beside him. Another nod indicated Crystal's place directly behind the two, and she scampered into place. Soarin's saddlebag shifted slightly and one blue eye peeked out from under the flap at her.

"Is it safe yet?" Azurite whispered.

Crystal looked around as they entered into a great hall. "I... don't know," she whispered back even more softly.

The hall was long and surprisingly narrow. Pillars of cracked and worn stone ran down either side, supporting an open second level that left all the walls and corners of the first in deep shadow. A third level stretched above that, lined with windows that should have increased the light within, yet only seemed to emphasize the gloom below. Everything was done in the straight lines and angular peaks of the Transylmanian late gothic style.

"No, Azurite, I..." Wait! Was that... pastries she smelled?

"What's that-?" Something large and dark flung by, striking Soarin', cutting him off, and barreling him off into the shadows.

Crystal could hear alarmed shrieking as Silent dropped into a ready stance. A shadow rose from the floor between them and she backpedaled. But, as it resolved into the shape of a pony, Silent sent it careening off the other direction with a backward buck. He turned, glancing back at her, just before another shadow detached itself from one of the pillars to rush him. They crashed together, both rearing to flail and bite at each other in a furious scuffle.

With frantic eyes, Crystal found to her horror that she couldn't watch everywhere at once. Silent rolled free of his assailant, stomped it, and found only dissipating shadows. Soarin' scrambled out of the darkness before turning and hauling his lost saddlebags back into the light, spilling a very wobbly-eyed Azurite into the stone floor.

They were back together! All of them! She felt so much safe-

Movement from above as something flung itself into the air above them distracted them for a moment, but it was all that was needed Dark pony shapes where suddenly everywhere, rushing in, jumping out, grasping and cackling with glee. A maniacally-grinning visage loomed before here, all fangs and hysteria, and she bolted. Her hooves scrabbled against the floor as she sought purchase to be anywhere but here.

A pair of shadowy ponies dashed around from the melee behind her, cutting off the doorway.

"Don't you want to see... what we are baking?" They intoned in near unison. "It's delicious."

A familiar shriek sounded again, and she was off the other direction. Blurs of color and shadow zipped by as she weaved on frantic hooves. Something brushed one hind canon and she put on more speed. The other end of the hall held two doorways and she faked toward one before taking the other. Her elation at the meaty thud behind her was immediately ended by the sound of more hoofbeats racing down the passage behind her.

The hallway narrowed, darkening until she almost couldn't see, heading first left, then back around to the right. Alcoves appeared and passed, filled with shapes she didn't want to identify. A wall leapt up in front of her, the hallway splitting and heading away in two directions, and she crashed into it side-first. Shock stunned her for a moment, but it was all they needed. Hooved arms extended from the wall - no, the alcove next to her! - wrapping around her barrel and dragging her with un-pony strength kicking and screaming into the darkness.

She fought like a madmare, thrashing and flailing, hoping to land a blow on whatever had her, but her strikes were deftly avoided as she was ponyhandled like a rag doll and spun around. Another barely-seen, fanged face darted in and-

-soft, warm lips pressed firmly against hers, cutting off her scream like a door slamming shut.

Her mind went haywire. Wasn't this a vampony? It's kiss was surprisingly gentle and intimate. Shouldn't it be drinking her dry through her neck? What in Equestria was going on?! And why was it still kissing her?

"Good, I think you will listen now." The voice was smooth and refined, feminine, and far more pleasant than it had any right to be. And weirdly quiet, like somepony didn't want to get caught.

"Wh-whu...?" Was all Crystal could manage.

"I am a vampony, yes, but-" She cut off with a hiss, muzzle darting toward Crystal far too quickly.

Those same soft lips met her neck just under her jaw and two pairs of pointed teeth gently grazed her coat, working at her without any real force. There were two promises there: one of pain and misery, and one of pleasure she had never before imagined. Still shocked by the situation, she could only gasp silently at words that wouldn't come.

"Curse it all!" Another, more gravelly voice sounded behind her. "How come you always catch the pretty ones?"

"Skill, Haze. I'm just a better vampony than you," was murmured into Crystal's neck. The lips and teeth didn't stop their gentle ministrations.

"You... You! Gah! I'll get you, Au! Somenight you're going to slip, and I'll be there to gloat over the pieces you leave behind!" The voice faded away. There was no sound of anypony leaving, but this Haze fellow seemed to be gone all the same.

"There, I have you all to myself now," cooed Au.

The shadows pulled back, revealing a familiar tall, lithe golden pony who seemed to move like water even when standing still. She was still lipping gently at Crystal's neck and, for some reason, that was bringing out a feeling of tremulous weakness in Crystal's knees.

"As you heard, Crystal, it is me," Au said, finally taking her muzzle away from Crystal's neck - why did Crystal want it back? Brilliant sky-blue eyes held Crystal's own eyes rock-steady. "I want out. I hate this dank, miserable place. I hate these stupid, uncultured vamponies. And I hate that it's a three day flight to get any decent mane care products! I can help you escape, but you must take me with you. If you do..."

Those wonderful lips brushed against Crystal's again.

"I-I-I...," she stammered, trying to quell her fluttering heart long enough to think coherently.

Interlewd 1: The Lewding

So there I was brushing my lips all over Crystal while she stuttered like an old record player. I kept those lips moving as if my life depended on. And it kind of did. If I didn't keep this lewd over 50 dirty thoughts per hour... best not to dwell on it or I might break my rhythm. Think Au, think, I thought, because scrolling up I can see that my name is Au. Of course it is, no other pony could rock this hot body.

Leaving my heavenly lips on autopilot I got up and paced.

"What Would Velvet Do?"

Closing my eyes I held that thought in my head like an overfilled eclair. And just like a well worked eclair, seconds later, white spewed across my vision. And in my mouth, pfffffft. I could just hear a distance cry of "Cwystal?!" before I face planted on a nearby surface. Ugh.

Good new, bad news assessment.

Good news, I was no longer wherever I was before.

Bad news, I wasn't my normal smokin' self.

Goodish news, Velvet is pretty fine, I can work with this body.

Bad news, I can still see that abominable Lewds Per Hour indicator in the corner of my eye despite all the sticky filling covering my face.

Worse news, gryphons?

"Holy moly!"

Without missing another beat I did what I did best. No I didn't kick ass. If I was an ass-kicker in a previous chapter I lost it because Jazz hands. Not to worry though, I had a far more fearsome skill. I could do what no other pony could. I was the best, the only practitioner of the Lewd. By now you have a very particular expression on your face as you wonder what good being a see-through belt in Lewd would do, aside from being a great view from behind.

I'll let you in on a little secret that nopony else knows. You can die from embarrassment. I don't know the exact mechanics of it but— holey undergarments Mare-Do-Well, I was in her body. Sure this might be an earlier model, before she became Grand Master Step, She-Who-Could-Redden-the-Sun. Let me tell you, I still don't know what she did to, with, or near Princess Celestia, but the sun was red for 34 minutes.

Enough of that I had gryphons to deal with. Bending over backwards— <THE FOLLOWING ACTS WERE DEEMED TOO LEWD AND HAVE BEEN REMOVED DUE TO THE DANGER OF SPONTANEOUS BLOOD LOSS>

Odd every time my meat puppet tries to type out my exploits that message appears. Probably for the best, I love all of my adoring fans. Sufficient to say, there was much lollipop licking, feather dusting, vacuuming, sewing, and window cleaning. For reasons best unstudied by science it appears instead of slaying my foes they have all become french maids complete with matching outfits.

With my new army of gryphmaids leading the charge no one will be able to stop me. I will finally get the one thing I've craved since I was a little filly. Chortling I stacked and racked my giggling gryphmaids until a boat was made. With a lusty shout I, Sexy Pirate Au set sail for a date with Crystal Wishes, no the other Crystal Wishes. Sneaking through the WIFI I barely avoided a rather ungrateful parrot. I mean come on! I'm a pirate, Mango is a parrot, OTP am I right?

There she was on her iPad, really though, an iPad, what kind of sadist writes on an iPad. Oh, only comments, okay, fair enough. Spying an opening, I held my nose and took the plunge through the backdoor of destiny. I would be a star in her stories.

Nooooooo. Why. Why cruel world, why.

I forgot.

I'm inhabiting Velvet's body.

Help me Shachza, you're my only hope!

All Interlewds are considered AU to the AU AU even if they include Au who is not AU in Q&B, but is considered AU in the above AU which is an AU of the AU AU located further above.

Interlewd is in no way, shape, or pancake owned by Lucent Dreams. Unless it turns out to be worth some sweet, mostly green, money, then gimme gimme.

A Cold Hot Reading by Me

Meanwhile at Sunridge Sweets,

Prince Red had a huge problem and nopony to help him.
Some loyal subjects of the Sunridge sweets kingdom were held captive in a glass cage and he knew he had to free his subject from the torment of being locked up. The only problem is that queen Snuggles and king Sweets were nowhere to be found even court jester Silly Faces wasn't there to help him.

So it came to pass that Prince Red assembled his army of loyal stacking block soldiers to help him undertake this daring rescue, as he walked in front of his soldiers he said: Let us go forward in this battle fortified by conviction that those who labour in the service of a great and good cause will never fail.

They marched in the orderly fashion as was instructed to them by Prince Red, red, blue, yellow and green in perfect synchronization.
Prince Red was keeping a close eye on his soldiers for he knew that despite their best intentions they needed his help if they were to succeed in freeing his subjects.
After the march from one end of the kingdom to the other he knew his soldiers were tired and needed rest so he gave them half an hour while he scouted the target area and he formulated a plan of attack.

After the rest he gathered his soldiers and he told them how the operation would go, team red was instructed to be the diversion while teams green, blue and yellow would make up the spearhead of the attack while prince red would rescue his subjects.

As soon as Prince Red sounded the rattler his soldier moved into their positions, while the red blocks were distracting any guards he used the other soldiers to penetrate the glass castle and swooped up all his subjects into his hooves and sounded the retreat.
After their daring escape to his castle he spoke once again to his men: Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure... than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat.

As soon as he said the last word he turned to his rescuees and looked upon them with hunger. Why do you look upon us like that they asked, and Prince Red said because my reasoning for freeing you was a selfish one. I was hungry Prince Red said as he started to eat his subjects. Their screams were heard all across the Sunridge sweets kingdom.

And thus came the great cookie raid of year 4 AHR to pass, sadly there were no cookie survivors.

Chapter 11: Divine Comedy

“We are supposed to have fun with this thing here?!” Runic asked, prodding the crystal orb’s surface with the tip of his hoof. More and more forcefully. “I have no idea what was happening these last few minutes! It's a piece of junk!”

“Runic! Careful! You’ll break it... more than it is, already...” Miley pulled him away and back on the couch. “Or you’ll make it explode by accident, or dematerialize itself... or vaporize... or disintegrate! Or other synonyms!”

“Does it make any difference what will happen to it if we can’t see anything one way or the other?! We are missing all the action!”

Miley exhaled, turning to their friend and host, whose stare was glued to the image, or lack of thereof, inside the globe.

“Are you... absolutely certain that this is the best orbuculum we could afford?”

Ferrel’s eyes betrayed that she, herself, was not particularly happy about the absence of... “signal” in the crystal ball.

Instead of the, quite entertaining, vision of Crystal Wishes on the verge of being ravished by an undead predator in the form of Au, first the images suffered distortions of the lewd nature, then a scene from some kind of children’s show with a sickeningly sweet genocide happened...

And now the three of them were staring at two armies of monochromatic ants performing some kind of dance of death in a chaotic strife. And while dances of death were usually good fun, the group would prefer to see the continuation of their favorite mortal soap opera.

Runic frowned. “This is the last time we let you buy something from ACME.”

“It was both cheap and with a warranty!” Ferrel responded, tossing her hooves up in the air. “They have told me that this model is very reliable!”

“Fer, please, don’t take it personally,” Miley attempted to diffuse the situation a little. “It’s just hard to find it entertaining – watching mortal struggles in fish-eyed view. And through something that malfunctions as horrendously as one of Runic’s typical inventions!”

“Oy!”

“Sorry, dearest.”

Ferrel shrugged and snorted simultaneously, still agitated. “Bad luck upon us! It simply has to be! I am sitting right next to the Mistress of Misfortune after all!”

“Fer! That’s a little rude!” Miley pouted and crossed her forelegs on her chest. “Have you forgot about the ‘Hangout Agreement’? No commenting on our divine domains when we are having fun! Not all of us did well in high school and being upset is not a reason to bring it up!”

“Well, still, someone here is exerting bad luck aplenty! And it’s not Runic, for nothing is going up in smoke!”

“Oy!”

“Sorry.”

“Wow, Fer, you are a lot more polite towards mortals, you know that?” Miley pointed out, turning her back on the other mare, offended.

“Oh, and how else am I supposed to be believable as an oracle?! By not being timid and a bit aloof, Mi?!” Ferrel shouted, almost spilling her drink on the couch. “I swear, they are so... soft! It is enough to tell them that you wish to talk with them more often and they are already thinking that a tragedy has befallen them, woe is them, the horror, the horror and what else!”

“Well, they are talking with you still, so...”

“Do you want to have a bad time—”

“Ladies, please!” Runic tossed his forelegs in between the mares, like a referee in some sort of animalistic, mortal bloodsport. “We all want to watch the show, we all want to have fun, let us try and keep it that way, please,” he calmly stated, eyeing both Ferrel and Miley. “Fer, whatever you are considering, splashing your drink in my face will be a waste of absinthe.”

“Why, it’s green. It would suit you!” she poked him back.

“You are still not getting me lucky charms,” he retorted, smirking. “You two make out to make up now.”

“Runic!” Miley wailed, grimacing in outrage.

“Sorry, dear, I had to. Now...” He lifted himself from the couch. “... how about we try to really fix this issue!”

“My dimensional pocket is not insured against fire!” Ferrel pointed out, sinking deeper into the plush seat. “Or being blown out of existence. Or dematerialized. In general, it is not insured against you!”

“Come on, what is life without some technology ‘n thrill?”

Miley actually giggled. “That is not how one should read ‘TNT’, Runic!”

“You say ‘potato’, I say ‘potassium chloride’. Now, let’s try and make it work!” he declared with that inventor’s glint in his eyes. He began examining the crystal orb. He sniffed it, he eyed it, he turned it, he even licked it... which made both Ferrel and Miley shudder in disgust.

“Well, my initial diagnosis is...” he pondered for a moment, “... it’s broken.”

“Big news...” Ferrel jeered, taking a sip of her drink and rolling her eyes.

“But I can fix it!” Runic declared before taking his hoof and slamming the ball hard.

“Runic!” Miley protested, trying to scramble to stop him.

“Relax—whump—will you?—bang—I’m a—thwack—professional!”

“That’s what I’m afraid of!”

As much as Runic’s method looked barbaric, it did cause the fighting ants within the orb to flicker in and out of existence.

“Wow, wait, I think I can see something!” Ferrel confessed, squinting her eyes. “Is that Au there? Vaulting at Crystal?”

“What?! No way! That would be ‘sauntering’ at best!” Miley replied, immediately captivated. “Runic, keep pounding!”

The stallion paused at the request, his expression something between shock, disbelief and confusion.

Ferrel rolled her eyes. “Runic, if a mare that cares for you tells you to ‘keep pounding’ then what should you do?”

Wham!

“That’s more like it!” Miley encouraged him, oblivious to the context. “Oh, wait, that large, indistinguishable blob there? Is that Silent Knight?”

“Why would you think its him?” Runic inquired, squinting his eyes. “I can’t tell still!”

“Do we know any other large, indistinguishable blobs?” Ferrel pointed out, leaning closer. “Keep doing what you are doing!”

Ka-Pow!

“I think I saw them kissing!” Miley screamed like an obsessed fangirl.

“Who?!” the other two asked immediately.

“Crystal and Velvet!”

“No way!”

“Woo-hoo!”

“Runic, come on, we have to know!”

Onomatopoeia!

The orb shimmered, lit up, hissed, zapped, then the vision cleared itself, revealing the image of Canterlot drenched in silver moonlight. The perspective was shifting, becoming blurry, then a loud, featureless voice sounded from the sphere.

“And now, are union-regulated commercial break!”

“Oh, come on!” Ferrel groaned, throwing her glass at the orb, covering the crystal with liquor.

“We wish to remind you that throwing alcohol at the screen is not going to make the merchandising go away!” the voice replied, with a hint of self-satisfaction.

“Great!” Miley tossed her hooves up. “What’s the point of being a deity?! I could play with the fate of mortals left and right but I still can’t skip advertisements for anti-aging cream!”

Runic flopped next to her on the couch, sighing. “This is why I think we are doing better actually interacting and mingling with them, rather than observing... At least we make their lives more... interesting, I guess?”

Ferrel gave him an intrigued look and nodded. “I... see what you mean. By foreseeing their future...”

“... being an adorable trouble-magnet...”

“... or blowing something up from time to time.”

The three looked at each other and agreed without hesitation.

Miley chuckled after a moment of mind-numbing staring at the colorful announcements. “Still, the latest timeline is proving to be really fun!”

“No doubt,” Ferrel agreed, making more absinthe appear in a knew glass she had brought to existence. “I want to see that vampire plotline expanded.”

“Isn’t it a bit cliché...?” Runic asked, but an immediate jab from Miley told him otherwise.

“What’s wrong with that? It’s funny! Besides, it does raise the probability of potential death and misfortune!”

“Yeah, I know... But I want explosions too,” the stallion admitted, pursing his lips.

“There, there,” Ferrel patted him on the head. “I foresee that we are going to have a blast, yes.” She sipped the liquor slowly, sinking into the couch more and more. She eyed the orb. “Oh, hey, the commercials are done I think!”

“Sweet!” Miley squealed, scooting over towards Runic, who embraced her gently and smiled.

“Abandon all hope, ye who entertain here!” he declared.

The show was about to continue.

Chapter Twelve: Intervention

“This is ridiculous,” Iryerris said, standing in his universe observatory. Hundreds of discs of various sizes surrounded him. Each displayed the events of different worlds and universes in existence, but his sight was currently locked on to the image of a squirming Crystal Wishes at the mercy of a vampony Au.

Oh, I wish I was Au right now, he thought. Or Crystal. Being Crystal would be good too. Those incredible lips brushing in my neck.. and that tongue work is impressive! If somepony were to do that to me, I wouldn’t mind one bi—

“If you could stop projecting your thoughts onto me, that would be great.” He said.

Drat.

Gliding down from the spacey globe thingy centering the observatory, Iryerris glared at the invader of his thoughts. “I know you particularly enjoy the exploits of a lewd nature between two mares, but to use it to get a rise out of me?”

“Oh, your fur has definitely risen from that kind of action,” She said, “and I’m willing to bet something else has too.”

Iryerris’ glare intensified to a point where his eyes were so squinted that you really have to wonder if he can even see anymore. But it was definitely a very serious glare.

Iryerris sighed. “To see my gift used against me in such a way, how shameless are you?”

“Shameless? Me?! Coming from the one who’s a blatant self-insert of the author with such a lust for power that he wrote himself as an actual god of every universe in existence.”

“If you think that’s all I have a lust for, then you’re gravely underestimating me.” He said with a grin dirtier than Velvet after a long sleepless night.

“Did you just... Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.”

“No? I thought you’d be proud of me for discovering my sense of humor.”

“Nope, you’re going to have to do better than that.”

“Huh, funny. That’s not what I was told last night in the 3764th Equus ‘verse.”

“…”

“She said I was simply ‘Godly’.” He winked.

She groaned. “Any more cringe worthy mentions of how Gary Stu you are?”

“Now, now. We both know that being self-aware is just a cheap trick that authors use to try and get away with this kinda junk.”

*Room shakes furiously*

Her attention was drawn towards the source; the giant space orb. She reached out a hoof towards it. “So, you never told me what this orb is.”

“Don’t touch that!” Iryerris said.

“Why not?”

“If you touch that, it’ll ripple, and it’s incredibly difficult to describe what that does to the reflection of your face.”

She touched it.

It rippled.

Iryerris sighed. “Look at what you’re making me do.”

Her reflection rippled.

“I’ll be honest,” she said, “I’m kinda disappointed.”

“Well, then you should’ve done that to a writer with a higher special effects budget.”

One of the larger discs floated by, showing Perennial’s embrace with Velvet Step being interrupted by the changeling, Noir, and escalating into a huge fight complete with lightning storms, tornadoes, fires, and, of course, Velvet drowning in pie filling. Perennial and Noir were too busy fighting—their battle reaching higher and higher into the sky so any onlooker will know how epic it is—to notice that the ground had turned into quickpie!

“Wait, why is Crystal Wishes there, kissing Velvet? I thought she was still in Count Murderslice’s lair, getting molested by Au.”

On another disc, Iryerris and his companion saw how Soarin and Silent Knight were cuddled up together, either out of fear or cold, before their gazes met and they slowly moved their muzzles closer to each other while the vamponies flew around them, the torches on the wall creating crazy shadows like that trippy bogus you see in Bond movie openings that leave you wondering what the hay is even going on anymore.

Suddenly, there was a shattering explosion of what can only be described as mayonnaise that covered the entire room. Covered in the white sticky mess, the stallions did not wait more than a second before reversing the polarity of several bricks in the wall, turning them into bread, and grabbing a knife to spread some sandwiches. It was time for lunch, after all.

Azurite finally climbed out of Silent Knight’s saddlebag and joined in. “You know, I wish I had a baguette for this.”

From the ceiling, Savoir Fare appeared and landed in a super hero pose. When he rose up, they could see he was holding a baguette.

“Le petit madame asked for… a baguette?” He said, offering the baguette to Azurite.

“Oh yes please,” Azurite said, “I just really wanted a big. Fat. Baguette with mayonnaise. It fills me up really good.”

“Nooooo, vhat have you done to my castle?!” A cry resounded through the corridors. “I, Count Murdersthlive, will unstheal your doom from my... batacombsth!”

The castle turned silent.

“I sthaid, BAT-acombsth… It'sth a bat pun!”

The ponies started eating their lunch. To everypony’s amazement, Azurite was the first one to nearly finish; she was soarin through that baguette. Once finished, she answered. “More like a bad pun!”

Everypony present laughed loudly. Even Au, who had previously been distraught by the sudden disappearance of Crystal Wishes.

“FINE!” Count Murderslice continued. “Sthee if I care! THE ENTH ISTH NEIGH! You betther not sthop me, or elsthe… I’ll be sthopped!”

The disc’s face faded to black.

Iryerris rubbed his forehead. “Where did this universe go so wrong? I’m sending you to fix this.”

“Fix this?” She questioned. “I don’t see anything wrong with this universe… actually, I think I’d quite like it there. It looks fun.” Her expression changed into that of a mare eager to get her turn.

“There’s EVERYTHING wrong with this," Iryerris said, "this is a subverse of a subverse that has started spawning its own subverses which are bleeding into other universes entirely. If they can do that, it’s possible they may also affect the main Quill & Blade universe.”

“Sooooo…”

“We need to prevent that. Crystal Wishes is the key.”

“I know, she’s a goddess. But I know I have to ask you why so you can easily transition into the next dialogue. So, why?”

“For whatever reason, she and Silent Knight are tied heavily into the main Q&B ‘verse. If anything corrupts them, the effects could be devastating. Crystal Wishes in this subverse has completely turned to the mare side! If that affects Main Crystal, she will end up writing… a mare-mare romance novel.”

*DUN DUN DUUUUUUUNNNNN*

“So?”

“SO?! If that happens then every mare in Equestria will lose interest in stallions. There will be no new generation and that world will collapse as the eclaire business will be doomed!”

“Sounds like a ridiculous way to introduce a way too ridiculous plot that nobody is going to bother continuing.”

“Remember what I said about being self-aware? Put those wings to use and get Crystal Wishes back on the straight track. Start with him and her.” He said, pointing at two figures in the discs. “Get them together and remind Crystal about her love for aubergines, instead of peaches. This is an intervention of the utmost importance.”

“Intervention?” She looked around, trying to find something in one of the discs. “Oh. Well, I was thinking of bringing Mindful Soul along if that was the case, but she seems to be rather, uh, busy with Princess Luna right now.”

Iryerris sighed. “Yes, I get it, intervention, psychiatry joke, title drop, the lot. Now, focus. Save the writer, save the universe.”

“Yeah, yeah, ok, sure. I’ll get riiiight on that.” Right after I treat myself to some of those ponies. She said and thought, which Iryerris heard, before jumping into one of the discs.

Iryerris turned towards the orb of mana, a vastness of midnight blue and purple, sprinkled with white sparks. It flowed outward, nourishing all the different universes in existence with magic. He existed to monitor the flow of mana and ensure nothing would disturb it.

But something was wrong, this one universe began to corrupt it with one of the worst taints imaginable.

Same. Sex. Shipping.

There were… other universes that showed the same signs. Universes which abandoned all reason and had seemingly been contrived so that two mares—or stallions, though those happened much less often—got together through unbelievably convenient circumstances. He quickly had ‘fixed’ those issues with a visit, and restored the universes to a proper form.

But this one, this… “Quill & Blade AU AU” was unlike any other he had seen.

“Perhaps… my direct intervention is necessary…

“But I’ve got to get past this Dark Souls III boss first.”

She was responsible enough to handle this… right?

Chapter Thirteen: Meanwhile, in Canterlot Research Library

~

Ley Lines was sat at her usual desk, her horn glowing as she levitated the book in front of her, occasionally turning the page. She looked up as she heard the familiar squeak of the door opening, a white mare with blue and pink hair walking in.
“Hey, my name is Iridescence, I was wondering if you could help me find a few books,” She said as she walked over, a smile on her face.
Ley nodded and stood up.
“Of course. What sort of books are you looking for?” She asked.
“Well, it might sound odd, but do you have any books on Parody Fan Fiction Writing?”
Ley blinked before grinning.
“Actually, we do. I’m called Ley Lines, but you can call me Ley. If you’ll follow me,” she said, heading off down one of the many corridors.
The two eventually reached a series of shelves, stacked to the brim, with a large sign above it saying ‘Parody Fanfics’. And of course, this was written in Comic Sans.
“Ok, We’ll start from this row and work our way down,” She said, before walking over to the first book, “Do you have a copy of Random Chapter Openings?”
Iridescence rolled her eyes, “We actually just got a copy of that very recently.”
Ley nodded, “Ok. What about Deus Ex Machina Overuse?”

~

“BEHOLD, IT IS I!” a voice shouted as a pegasus appeared in a blinding flash of light over the battlefield, looking down on the scene of chaos, rage and lust.

~

“Oh, I nearly forgot about that one. Subversion of Expectations.” Ley said.
Iridescence let out an interested sound.

~

The pegasus let out an oof as she was tackled midair by a black blur.
“This one’s mine!” Haze shouted as he grabbed her, both of them falling into the trees below.
Meanwhile, the battle and random makeout session continued, as if nothing had changed. Which, honestly, it hadn’t.

~

“Oh, here’s a classic. OC Inserts: The Art of Spam. One of my personal favourites,” Ley said.
Iridescence was currently sifting through several volumes of LUS, the white unicorn with a colourful mane finally finding time to reply.
“Oh, you have no idea how many copies we have of that book,” she said, rolling her eyes a little.
She finally pulled out a dust covered book, before chucking it over her shoulder. Ley picked it up with her magic, frowning a little.
“I’m sorry, I have no idea how a Dragonball fanfic got in here. Good author though. Some of her later works are fantastic,” She said, before pulling another book of the shelf, “Aha! This one might be of some help. M. Night Shyamalan Level Plot Twists.”

~

Crystal finally pulled away from Velvet.
“Velvet, I’m so glad I found you! I’ve been searching for you for so long,” She exclaimed, looking deeply into her love’s yellow eyes.
“Velvet? What do you mean?” the mare asked, her blue mane bobbing as she looked around, trying to find someone else, “Were you talking to someone else?”
Crystal looked confused.
“W-What are you talking about? You’re Velvet Step, aren’t you?” She said, shaking her head, the mare’s grey coat seeming fuzzy.
“What? No I’m not. My name is Dawn, remember,” she replied, before putting a hoof to Crystal’s chest, “Your name is Velvet Step.”
The world slowed down as Crystal’s heartbeat pounded in her ears, the whole world seeming to shift out of focus as she heard those words.

~

“Oh, let’s not forget this one. Copious Flashbacks!”

~

They were faked. I knew it then: Crystal Wishes was a broken mare, who was good at making up ponies. Too good. Good enough that she made the mare of her wishes, a pony to love. When she found that Velvet Step didn’t exist, she hired me to find Velvet Step for her.

It was a shame to know that Mrs. Wishes wasn’t the mare she made everyone think she was.

~

“Velvet? Are you ok?” Said a voice, but Crystal ignored it, only focused on the sound of her own breathing, and the drum pounding away in her chest. She looked down at her hooves, seemingly changing colour from white to pink, never settling.
‘Who am I?’ She thought in terror, ‘Where’s Velvet? Where’s Velvet?’
“Where’s Velvet?” She shouted at Dawn, not even noticing the tears streaming down her face, “Where is she?”
Dawn took a step back, trembling a little.
“I already told you! She’s right here,” She said, pointing at Crystal again, “Do you not remember all the times you came around to my apartment after ballet? All the night’s we spent together? I-I thought you loved me!”
Crystal didn’t hear any of it. She had curled up on the ground, her hooves over her ears. But it didn’t block out the voices. All of the voices, the memories. Nightingale. Spotlight. Practicing for the role of the Sisters. Rock Candy. The Mare Contraire. Her date with Sunny. Velvet’s memories. Who was she?

~

“Well, I think I have enough for now,” Iridescence said, a small pile of books in her magic, “I’ve already got a copy of Same Sex Shipping, so I’m good on that front. And I really think this copy of Meta Commentary will help. Thank you for the help!”
Ley gave her a goodbye wave as the other unicorn walked away, trying not to stare at the retreating flank.
“Always happy to help!”
Iridescence headed out of the library, taking a breath of the sweet morning air. The birds were tweeting, the wind was blowing through the leaves, and somebody was faintly shouting her name.
“Iridescence!” the voice shouted again, the mare turning around to see Ley sprinting towards her, a book held in her magic.
Ley finally caught up, panting a little.
“Other - Book,” She got out, before catching her breath, “I found another book.”
Iridescence tilted her head, “Oh? What is it called?”
Ley held it up.
“Breaking the Fourth Wall.”
Iridescence laughed at that.
“Do you really think that this author is good enough to pull that off?”

Chapter 14: What Happens in Canterlot…

Crystal Wishes was not having a good morning. Her mouth felt like it had grown its own fur coat and tasted like she hadn’t brushed her teeth in weeks, her body felt heavy and her head pounded like there was a parasprite with a pick axe trying to escape from the inside, and as if all that wasn’t enough, someone had draped some sort of feather blanket over her face. It took a monumental effort of will just to raise one hoof to try to push it off.

With a final shove she managed to free her face only to hiss and squint her eyes in pain as they were assaulted by the light of the late afternoon sun. Several minutes and much anguished groaning later and she was finally able to crack her eyes open to take stock of her situation.

A large blue wing was now draped across her chest, and a glance to her left revealed it to be attached to a large blue pony. Ok, waking up next to Princess Luna was strange, but at least it was something. A sudden snore right in her ear made her decide that it might be something she should fix.

She tried to roll over, despite the wave of nausea it caused as the room spun, only to find that her rear legs wouldn’t move. It took several false starts before she finally managed to work up the energy to lift her head and look past Luna’s wing to see what had happened. What she saw only made her even more confused.

Raven was curled up on Crystal’s legs, holding the white mare’s tail in her hooves like some sort of teddy bear. Crystal’s head fell back to the ground and she blinked at the ceiling, trying in vain to force her sluggish mind to put the pieces together and figure out what was going on.

When the only answer she came up with was that thinking hurt, she let the thought go with a tired groan. “What… what happened?…”

“I was sort of hoping you could tell me.”

The unexpected voice from behind her made Crystal tilt her head back in surprise. It took a moment for her eyes to focus on the room while looking at it upside down.

When they did, she saw that Velvet sat on the couch flipping curiously through a random pile of stained papers and crumpled napkins she held in her hoof.

“Velvet, why am I on the floor?”

Velvet just shrugged in response. “I honestly have no idea. When I left for practice you said you were going to the palace because Princess Luna wanted to help you come up with your next story idea and then I come home the next morning to find a scene that looks like it came out of one of the shorts you wrote for Cosmare.”

Crystal flailed a hoof angrily in Velvet’s direction. “You can’t prove I wrote those!” Her outburst caused the pain in her head to flare and she brought a hoof to her temple to try to stop the room from spinning.

“Uh huh. What do you think, ‘officer’? I’m not sure that she’s telling the truth.”

Crystal squinted in confusion until she noticed that Velvet was looking off at a different part of the pony pile with an evil smirk on her face. “Velvet, what are you looking… at… Oh my.”

After several painful squirms and craning her neck to see around Princess Luna, Crystal was finally able to see what Velvet was looking at and all she could do was stare in shock. Half buried underneath the princess was Silent Knight wearing what appeared to be a stripper’s costume modeled after a Canterlot PD uniform. “S-Silent… what…”

Silent just gave her a somewhat awkward look and shrugged. “I don’t know, either. I was doing paperwork in my office one minute and was standing in a bar full of mares and wearing this outfit the next.”

A hazy memory of Princess Luna buying a round of drinks and shouting something about summoning entertainment flashed across Crystal’s mind.

Velvet couldn’t help but giggle at his explanation. “Wow, Crystal. I’m honestly not sure whether to be impressed that I’ve managed to corrupt you to this point already, or disappointed that you would have a party like this without inviting me.

“Though I suppose it is good to know that Silent is still my main competition for you, no matter what you may write about happening between you and Au.” Velvet flipped idly through the crumpled pieces of paper in her hooves again before stopping on one of the longer receipts. “Though I wish you had put a bit more time into the scene with me and perennial. Since I can’t get my hooves on that plot for real, I’d be alright settling for having it happen in a story.”

Crystal tilted her head in confusion as he looked back to Velvet. “What?”

“Seriously, you should watch her when she stretches before practice. It’s practically criminal to tempt ponies with something like that.”

“That’s not really what I was confused about. What was that about me and Au? And how did Perennial get involved? I thought you hated her?”

Velvet gave Crystal a blank look for a moment before a truly evil smirk slid its way across her muzzle. “Don’t worry about it. Anyway, now that you’re awake I’ll get out of your mane. Just wanted to make sure you were alright and all that,” she said as she stood, still holding the bundle of papers in one hoof.

“Velvet, where are you going? And why are you taking those papers with you?” Crystal asked, a hint of suspicion creeping into her voice.

Velvet waved the question away as she walked to the door. “Oh, um, I got invited to a concert by this cute stallion with a talent for copying things, so I’m gonna get going. Don’t want to be late, you know. And I’ll just, uhh, get rid of these along the way. Yeah, that’s it.”

Another fragmented bit of memory floated through Crystal’s mind. Giggling and alcohol and writing on whatever they could find.

...Also a flash of Silent dancing in that outfit, but that could be investigated in greater detail later. She had to stop Velvet, first!

She tried to jump to her hooves, only to crash back to the ground as the room spun and her nausea spiked. She faintly heard Raven groan as her tail was pulled out of the other mare’s grip, but it was Velvet's giggling as she raced for the door that drew her attention. “Silent! Stop her!”

“Right. I’m on it.” With a great heave, he tried to push Luna off his legs, but his efforts were for naught. With an annoyed groan, Luna just rolled over… farther on top of him, leaving his hooves pinned to the ground and the back of one wing covering his face.

Velvet opened the door and gave Crystal a playful wave. “Don’t worry, I’ll save the real fun for when you’re well enough to enjoy it, so you’re safe until at least later tonight.” With a final wave, she ran out the door, giggling the whole way.

“...Thph mph vry mcmphterble…”

Crystal just sighed and covered her eyes with a hoof. “Don’t worry, Silent. I’m sure she’ll wake up soon.

“...Probably…”

Chapter 15: Runnin Down a Dream
After leaving Crystal to deal with the fallout of the previous night, Velvet trotted around the corner and discarded the papers and tissues in a trash can nearby.
"That aught to keep her busy." Velvet said with a grin.
Velvet figured that Crystal would first try to get rid of her headache and attempt to sort things out in the apartment before coming after her. Now that she had some spare time, Velvet decided to wander around Canterlot to see what there was to do.
I'll swing by the apartment later tonight to help Crystal with damage control if she needs assistance. Velvet thought to herself.
The weather was partly cloudy, allowing patches of sunlight to shine on parts of the city while others were shadowed by the thicker clouds. A breeze pushed some clouds away allowing the sun to warm Velvet's back as she trotted along the streets. Velvet swiveled her head about as she took in the familiar sights of the shopping district of Canterlot. Ponies trotted back and forth among the various shops purchasing any items that interested them. Velvet decided to browse around a bit to kill some time before moving on. Most of the merchandise were clothes and accessories were outrageously expensive, but that didn't stop Velvet from window shopping. After looking at hats and jackets Velvet decided to move on. As she exited the plaza, a voice loudly called out from behind her.
"Shoplifter! Stop right there criminal scum!"
Velvet quickly saw what all the commotion was about as a stallion with several expensive looking necklaces and other clothing items were falling out of a pair of bulging saddlebags as he galloped away from three city guards that were in hot pursuit. The thief was rapidly approaching Velvet from behind. Velvet sidestepped so as not to be struck down. However, with a cheeky grin on her muzzle, Velvet stuck out her left forehoof and tripped the fleeing criminal. Time seemed to slow down as Velvet watched the stallion trip over her hoof and face plant into the cobblestone roadway. The stallion rolled twice before coming to a violent stop courtesy of a pair of trash bins. The three city guards approached the shoplifter and picked him up along with any of the merchandise that spilled out of his saddlebags from the collision. One of the guards, a unicorn mare, stopped short of the two others as they secured the dazed stallion.
"Thanks for your help miss, we'll take it from here." She said with a smile.
Velvet gave a mock salute.
"Glad I could be of service ma'am!" Velvet said as she dropped her foreleg. The guard nodded with a smile and turned to her comrades to help gather any of the other spilled merchandise.
As Velvet trotted away, she stole a glance at the guardsmare.
Mmm, dat rump doh! I wonder what she looks like out of that armor?
Velvet turned away before she was caught staring. As she continued her wandering through the capital city of Equestria, Velvet found herself at one of the parks located near the rim of the outer supports of the city. Velvet neared the stone wall that kept ponies from accidentally falling over the edge. She propped her forelegs on the rim of the wall and looked over to see the valley below and the sky above. Cloudsdale hovered in the distance above the nearby mountains. A slight breeze rustled Velvet's mane slightly as she breathed in the fresh mountain air. Velvet basked in the calm day for a few minutes more before stepping away from the wall and trotting towards an adjacent street. An ice cream vendor snagged Velvet's attention with the bell that announced his presence as his mobile ice cream cart came to a stop near the curb. Velvet thought that Sunridge Sweets could never be topped, but this ice cream cart was closer. One chocolate cone couldn't hurt.
Ice cream consumed, Velvet trotted through the streets admiring the architecture of some of the buildings. Unfortunately, Velvet spied one of the last ponies she had expected to see for another few hours. On the other side of the street heading in Velvet's direction was Crystal. From what Velvet could see, Crystal was moving with a purpose, her head on a swivel. Velvet was so surprised that she did not react fast enough to hide before their eyes met. The surprise that graced Crystal's face was so profound that Velvet could have sworn a red exclamation mark appeared over Crystal's head accompanied with a high pitched alert tone that sounded out from seemingly nowhere. Crystal replaced her surprised look with one of fury.
"You!" Crystal yelled out whilst pointing a hoof at Velvet.
At this point Velvet gathered her wits and formed a plan. She decided to start with a good response.
"Me!" Velvet loudly said with a big grin on her muzzle.
Crystal crossed the street, narrowly avoiding the various carts being pulled in different directions. Velvet decided to wait to see just what Crystal had to say, then interrupt her with some lewd quip about needing to vent her stress. Crystal stopped just short of Velvet with a look that would be able to melt a large block of tempered steel. Crystal then took a deep breath.
"You have some nerve leaving me like that Velvet! You have no idea the amount of sticky substances I had to clean up! All while still recovering from a headache! Luna refuses to wake up, Silent is on the bottom of a pony pile that is still in the process of untangling all the while you are gallivanting about like some 'baller' without a care in the world!" Crystal finished with haggard breathing whilst giving Velvet a death glare.
"First of all," Velvet began, placing her forhooves on Crystals shoulders, "Take a breather, calm down, we can sort this out once you take a chill pill."
"Don't you tell me to calm down, Velvet Step!" Crystal said, pushing Velvet's forehooves away, "You still owe me answers and a helping hoof with that disaster in the living room! We're going back to the apartment, and if you even think about bailing again, your rump is mine!"
"Ohhh myyyy!" A nearby deep voiced stallion said as he looked over at the girls above the newspaper he was reading. Crystal and Velvet both glanced at him just as he looked back down to his newspaper.
Execute! "Gotta catch meee!" Velvet gleefully said with a big grin just before taking off in a gallop leaving behind a small cloud of dust.
"Velvet Step! You get back here right now!" Crystal yelled as she gave chase.
Velvet continued her sprint, utilizing her years of ballet related exercise. She looked over her shoulder at Crystal to see her attempting to keep up. Velvet's more fit body and stamina won over Crystal's less fit body.
She may need to get out more often. Velvet grinned to herself.
Velvet wanted to put more distance between herself and Crystal. She knew she was fit, but she couldn't do this forever. She would have to lose Crystal soon. Velvet increased her speed to the point that her hooves looked like rapidly spinning wheels. Velvet saw a "T" intersection ahead and decided to take a right.
This corner aughtta do it.
To avoid losing too much speed, Velvet drifted around the corner like a Panda Trueno on a sharply curved mountain road. Glancing over her shoulder, Velvet saw that Crystal lacked the skillz to take the corner and slid right into a flatbed cart of pillows with a POMF! while sending feathers everywhere.
"Did I do that?" Velvet asked herself with a toothy grin.
Velvet soon grew tired, so she slowed down to a trot. She realized that Crystal might possibly recover and catch up so she looked around for a place to hunker down until Hurricane Crystal passed by. Velvet saw a dark red stallion pulling a wagon full of wood planks and a tarp covered crate. Velvet eyed the crate and the tarp that loosely covered it.
Bingo!
Velvet noticed the stallion was too busy concentrating on maneuvering his large wagon around pedestrians and other carts on the crowded street to see what she was about to do. With the gracefulness of a swan, Velvet creeped up to the tailgate, hopped over into the wagon, uncovered the crate, dove in with a stylish pirouette, and reset the tarp over the crate. Velvet instantly regretted her decision. Her rump felt like it was being pricked by hundreds of pins and needles.
"Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!" Velvet whispered so to avoid attracting the attention of the stallion.
A stealthy exfiltration seemed like a great idea until Velvet heard a familiar voice.
"Where did she go!? When I get my hooves on her, ooohhh she is gonna regret it!" Velvet heard Crystal's fuming possibly little more than ten feet away. Velvet decided to stay hidden, but shifted around quietly to ease the painful poking feeling under her butt. From what Velvet could hear, Crystal began speaking out to somepony.
"Excuse me, sir! Can you tell me if you've seen a- Axel!?" The wagon stopped. "Hey there! What brings you to Canterlot?" Crystal addressed the stallion.
Velvet peeked over the brim of the crate while remaining under the tarp. The dark red stallion Velvet now knew as Axel greeted Crystal.
"Oh, hi, Miss Crystal! I was just coming up to Canterlot to retrieve this special order of lumber. It is cut from the pine trees here on Canterlot Mountain. The crate has an assortment of nails, screws, nuts, and bolts. You know, office supplies." Axel said with a chuckle.
Well that explains the poking.Velvet thought.
"Oh, okay! Hey, real quick, have you seen a pink colored earth pony mare with her mane in a bun come by here?" Crystal asked.
Axel looked in a random direction in concentration. He then looked back to Crystal "No, I haven't. Sorry. If you said she's pink, she can't be too difficult to track down. She a friend of yours?"
"Yeah. Her name's Velvet Step. She owes me. When I find her, I'm gonna lambaste her one." Crystal made a punching motion with her hoof.
Axel cringed in response to Crystal's verbal threat. "Do I wanna know?"
"Oh it's a long and convoluted story so I'll save you the pain and just say multiple entities are responsible for this situational SNAFU. Velvet is one of those entities." Crystal deadpanned to Axel.
"Ah, well alrighty then. Good luck finding your friend. Velvet Step was it? It was good talking to you. If I see Velvet, I will tell her you said 'hi'."
"Thanks, Axel. You have a good rest of your day okay?" Crystal smiled.
"Will do," Axel called out. The wagon began to move again. Velvet decided to wait a bit to allow some distance between her and the dragon lady.
How does Crystal know that stallion? Velvet wondered. I'm gonna have to look into that later. For right now, time to depart. Velvet slowly emerged from the crate and dismounted the wagon. She garnered some looks from passersby, but Axel was too busy to notice anything.
One moooore thing. Velvet trotted up to Axel's side.
"I've got my eye on you." Velvet said with a narrow eyed look to a startled Axel.
"Whoah! Where did you come from!?" Axel then realized something. "Wait, aren't you Crystal's friend? Velvet Step right?"
Velvet grinned. "Mayyyyybe," she then briskly trotted off, but not without saying over her shoulder, "TTFN!" Velvet took off before Axel could say anything else.
The day was not over, but the sun had moved along the sky quite a bit. Shadows from buildings and other structures were beginning to elongate as Velvet made her way through a less crowded area of Canterlot. Velvet was feeling hungry, so she started searching around for a place to get a quick bite to eat. At first, Velvet thought to go to Sunridge Sweets. However, Crystal knew that was Velvet's second home so, unfortunately that option was off the table. Velvet looked around and saw a small fast food shop.
Not the most healthy choice, but one small thing of hay fries aught to help.
Velvet purchased a small container of hay fries and ate at the outside patio. As she munched down on her deep fried snack, Velvet looked at the various ponies going about and wondered what was going on in their heads. As a stallion trotted past, Velvet mentally spoke out what he might have been thinking in a comically deep voice.
Gee, I'm a rich snooty bureaucrat and I expect everypony to let me through unhindered! Otta the way kid! Move it you old nag! I have important bureaucratic stuff to attend to! Velvet quietly giggled to herself. She could have been completely wrong for all she knew, but it was still funny. Soon after discarding the now empty paper plate, Velvet once again began trotting at a leisurely pace. Weaving in and out of the afternoon crowd was simple enough for Velvet as she imagined herself in a ballet recital spinning around any other pedestrians. Velvet noticed that pedestrian traffic was slowly being replaced with wagon traffic. Velvet noticed that the road had widened and signs directed pedestrians away from the center of the road onto a sidewalk. She figured this was a boulevard built specifically to ease wagon traffic flow as the ponies pulling the wagons were allowed to trot at a brisk pace or even gallop. Velvet moved over to the sidewalk as the sign prompted and joined the rest of the pedestrian ponies. Velvet glanced from the side walk as different types of wagons clattered past. Some looked like they obviously catered to the rich folk, while others had more utilitarian purposes. The wagons all came in different shapes and sizes and colors. Velvet became too distracted and never noticed as a unicorn mare called out her name.
"Velvet Step! GET OVER HERE!"
Velvet turned around just in time to see Crystal's horn light up with her fuchsia colored magical aura. The same colored aura materialized around Velvet's barrel. Velvet was lifted up and over to where Crystal was standing. Velvet could see the manic look in Crystal's eyes.
"We're going straight home!" Crystal finished her declaration with a huff and turned around to head back to the apartment while levitating Velvet just behind her.
Velvet noticed a stray feather in Crystal's mane. Velvet figured that Crystal had cleaned herself of all the feathers, but clearly she had missed one. With a grin, Velvet grasped the feather and reached down to tickle Crystal's barrel. The results were instantaneous.
"Ahh, haha stohp that- ahaha!" Crystal fell over in a fit of laughter and dropped Velvet in a loss of magical concentration. Velvet took advantage of this opportunity and ran into the wagon traffic. A few surprised ponies pulling the wagons veered away from Velvet as she entered the roadway.
Velvet hopped atop a large, boxed cargo wagon. However, Crystal was thinking similarly as she jumped onto a cylindrical liquid container wagon about two wagon lengths back. Velvet decided to get ahead and hopped onto another boxy wagon, all without the pullponies' knowledge. Crystal followed suit and hopped onto another wagon nearby. This continued until Velvet was trapped on the rear half a long, tall cargo wagon. A feral scream erupted from nearby and Crystal jumped up out of nowhere like Randy Orton upon the front half of the wagon with magical assistance.
Crystal was breathing heavily, but she sported an evil grin and a demented look in her eye.
"End of the line, sweetheart," Crystal said, "any last words before we head home?"
Velvet glanced over Crystal's shoulder at a banner that was fast approaching.
"Yeah," Velvet responded, "duck," and took her own advice.
"Huh?" Crystal turned around, but it was too late. "BLAARRGGGHH!" Crystal let out a loud choking sound as she was cloths lined by the banner. She was too dazed to hang on and soon fell into a hopper shaped wagon full of a strangely soft substance. Velvet cringed as she heard a squelching sound emit from Crystal's impact into the wagon.
A few minutes later, the wagon that Velvet had hitched a ride onto, turned down a side street and slowed down to a stop. Velvet too this opportunity to dismount and gain a bearing of her surroundings. She found herself in the warehouse district in downtown Canterlot. Large shipping crates were being loaded and unloaded on and off various docked airships via magically controlled cranes. Velvet had never seen this area of Canterlot before and decided to investigate. Several stallions and a few burly mares donning yellow hard hats moved around the docks completing various tasks. These tasks ranged from sweeping debris, to spotting the crane operators, to transporting loads themselves. Amazed by the efficient clockwork styled teamwork of the dock workers, Velvet decided to observe the activity.
A stallion and a mare were tandem pulling a flatbed wagon that had a large crate atop of it. The crate had large black letters stenciled on the sides that said "Fragile" and "Keep Cold". In smaller print, a label specified the shipping address to Canterlot Zoo. Velvet could hear nootlike quacking sounds coming from the crate. The cart hit a bump, breaking one of the front wheels and causing the crate to topple over, spilling its contents. The contents were no less than twenty penguins that, after recovering from the tumble, began to waddle around, taking advantage of their newfound freedom. The two ponies pulling the wagon scrambled about to pick up the fleeing birds. After wrangling about half the penguins back into the uprighted crate, the mare picked up one penguin and stopped to coo at it as if it was a foal. The stallion saw this and shouted out to her as he set another penguin back into the crate.
"Ivee! Stop cuddling them and help me gather the rest before they get away!"
"But Daf! They're so cute! Just look at this one! Don't ya just wanna take him home?" The mare, Ivee, held out the small penguin in front of Daf.
"Well when you put it that way, he does have a cute beak," Daf rapidly shook his head from side to side, " Hey! Stop that! Put him back into the crate and help me here!"
Ivee laughed heartily and placed the penguin she was holding back into the crate and helped Daf recover the other waddling escape artists. Velvet watched the entire ordeal with barely suppressed laughter.
After some more observing, Velvet trotted off to find the exit from the sky wharf. She hailed a nearby cab and requested he take her to the shopping district. She had the intention of purchasing some small supplies for the apartment. The cabbie expertly maneuvered through the sparsely crowded pedestrian and wagon streets towards their destination. Upon arriving, Velvet payed the fare and tipped the cabbie for such a quick ride. Velvet entered the store and purchased some small items on her mental shopping list and decided to head home.
As Velvet approached the apartment, she hesitated. She hoped that Crystal wasn't home yet. Upon seeing that the lights in the apartment were off, Velvet sighed with relief. Her actual intentions were to drop off her purchases, grab a snack, and head for her parents house and spend the night there. She was not wanting to encounter Crystal in her current state of mind. That side of Crystal thoroughly creeped Velvet out. Velvet shivered at the image of Crystal's maniacal grin she had when she thought she had Velvet trapped on that wagon.
Velvet unlocked the front door and entered the apartment. She set her items she purchased from the store down on the small table nearby and fumbled around for a light switch. Without her prompting, the front door slammed shut behind her, followed by the sound of the tumblers in the lock clicking back into place. Velvet froze in fright as she was suddenly surrounded in darkness. From seemingly every direction, a familiar soft spoken voice came from seemingly everywhere at once.
" We've been waiting for you Velvet Step."
Velvet's back hairs stood up on end as she tried to locate the source of the voice. The living room light turned on magically, revealing Crystal sitting on the couch, her forelegs crossed. Crystal sported a sly grin.
"H-hey there Crystal. You're not still mad are you?" Velvet nervously laughed.
"Oh not anymore. Earlier I nearly blew a gasket in rage. But I found a good solution to my current problem."
"Wh-what's that?"
"Siley, grab her and bring her to the couch and hold her there."
"With pleasure," Silent Knight's voice emanated from behind Velvet. Before Velvet could react she was grabbed from behind and hoisted over to the couch. She was then pinned down courtesy of Silent's superior Royal Guard strength.
"Wh-what's going on!?" Velvet attempted to wriggle free, but Silent only tightened his grip.
"We're going to watch a movie," Crystal said as an devilish grin spread across her muzzle.
"Wh-what movie?" Velvet nervously asked. She didn't have a good feeling about this. Crystal pulled a black DVD case from a hiding spot behind the couch. On the front cover of the case was a pair of pale white hooves holding a bright red apple. Crystal's grin widened.
"The entire series of the Twilight Saga!" Velvet's eyes widened in fright from Crystals giddy declaration.
"NOOOOOOOO!" Velvet screamed out as Crystal inserted the DVD into the media player.

My eyes slowly fluttered open. Blinking furiously I looked to the half-eaten carrot next to my bed. Never again I vowed. Happy fun times and dinner do not mix if that crazy dream I just had was any indication.

Ugh morning again and that Celestia damned sun ofcourse waking me from that.. experience. Was that carrot drugged? oh well time to do something I guessed.

Wandering to my shower I grumbled some more until I got there and flipped the handle to turn on the shower letting the water get nice and warm to the touch before I hopped under the rays. Soft groans almost immediately escaped my muzzle as I craned my neck letting all that hot moisture hit my face and chest. Oh Celestia I loved it and craved more.

Next up were my wings and back. getting them nice and wet before I turned my head as I splayed the feathered appendages out, nibbling along the length of one to catch loose feathers and other traces of dirt. My eyes lidded halfway shut seeing as flight muscles were so sensitive almost dancing on my hooves as I suddenly wished I had brought my carrots with me.

The other wing proved to be a bit of work but I didn't mind, every lick and nibble brough me closer.. so close.. to being clean. Amazing really how much dirt and damage wings undergo after a simple day of flying, wiggling around in bed with carrots hadn't helped out a lot either I must admit.

Now then flank and tail. I really wished Autumn Breeze was here to help me with this but then I probably wouldn't get clean but instead more dirty. Grinning to myself at the thought I lifted my tail and dove right in.. to clean the tangled knots at it's base. who is a flexible pony? I am a flexible pony! Hm don't nibble too roughly now that might actually hurt instead.

Tail done I dipped my head lower. slowly closing in towards my underbelly and inching down from there before deciding against it, that wouldn't get me clean now would it? and that was the whole endeavour of this practice.

All clean! Now what? Maybe breakfast? Yes breakfast sounded like an idea, not carrots though. Had enough of those last night hee.

Making my way into my kitchen I opened the door to my fridge and grumbled. Somepony had forgotten to do groceries.. right that pony would be me. Oh well! Milk and oats it was.

Finishing my breakfast and completing my morning rituals I hurried towards my bedroom and slipped into my courier's vest strapping it close around my barrel, then put my cap on my head and adjusted my name tag which had Snowy Haze on it in pretty golden letters. I would finally finally be at work way ahead of my colleagues for a change! My boss would be so proud.

Trotting towards the front door I hummed a little tune and grabbed the Canterlot Times from the mail slot.

The blood in my veins ran ice cold and I stared at the news paper.

It was Sunday...

Chapter XVII: In Which Some New Acquaintances Are Introduced To The Intelligent Reader; Connected With Whom, Various Matters, Pleasant And Unpleasant, Are Related, Appertaining To This Sunday

Whilst I bedecked and adorned myself with all of the finery and accouterments expected of someone of my station on such a day as this, I attempted to soothe and pacify that horror that had so runaway with my thoughts. There was no reason to fear, after all, for I need only calm these awful nerves and bolster myself with the knowledge that I would be able to overcome the obstacle of this very day: Sunday.

I gave the crushed velvet of my bonnet a few pats to better center it and, upon peering at my countenance on the other side of one of the many silver mirrors that lined the great hall, deemed myself worthy of the public inspection that would undoubtedly be thrust upon me.

"Yes, Snowy," I told the pale-faced visage in the look glass, "you shall reign above all the other ponies this fine day. No matter what may come your way, you shall prevail over all others. Oh, and you mustn't forget the sacrifice! It must be utterly perfect!"

Understandably, my less-than brave and bold words affected little change in my reflection's expressions, but it was the best that I could do. After all, it was now time to begin the day. With a deep breath to fortify myself (and a flask full of courage-bolstering liquor that I kept tucked safely at my side), I unlocked the front door and surveyed the outside world for the first time today.

As could be expected, all looked normal. There was a handsome couple walked down the avenue: the stallion with a cane, the mare with a lacy umbrella that protected her delicate complexion from the heated sun, already high in the sky above. The trees that lined the cobblestone townhouses cast dark shadows below, appearing as pitch while in the blinding Sunday sun. I could only hope my resultant squint would not be misconstrued as a hateful glare! On today, of all days, that would not do! I began to wish that I had decided to bring my own umbrella, but I had already shut the front door. I could not go back in now. It was Sunday, after all.

I cast my eyes downward and make sure that the meat scraps had been taken from my doorstep during the night. Thank goodness; I had been late in putting them out last night! And what sort of sophisticated mare would I be if such offal were still at my front door because of my own sloppiness?

So, I began my own journey, keeping behind the handsome couple, making sure to not intrude into their space. Soon, we were joined by others, some with their families and others with no one at all. Slowly, slowly, we became what most would consider a mob, though we were far more courteous than most. All kept a set distance from all others, making it much easier to breath. That was important, after all. Appearances must be kept up on Sundays. You could never be sure of when it were watching.

Under the blinding Sunday sun, we trekked forward, leaving the comforts of the city behind, heading outwards into the grass wastes. Ragged, blackened tree trunks gazed across the flat landscape, fearful wraiths warning not to go any further, to turn back. Oh, how I wish we could do just that! But we cannot. It was Sunday, after all.

Sweat began to slick my body, but I did not let my steps falter. We, this band of pilgrims, did not falter. How could we, knowing we were already so far from home and so close to our horrid destination? Besides, we all surely shared the same morbid thoughts: that we would be the winner of this Sunday. We would each individually prevail over all the other ponies.

These thoughts, however, were small comfort as we arrived to the gorge, filtering around to stand single-file along the edge of the jagged cliff. There was little sound, only the combined group breathing, stuttered and shaky. For a long, drawn-out moment, there was nothing, simply a long line of finely-threaded ponies of all ages waiting. Waiting for something, but hoping for nothing.

From the bottom of the deep canyon, at which there was nothing visible at all in the pale sandy base, aroused an echoing cornet. As was tradition, I pulled out my sacrifice, a pretty snowglobe from the far north, and held it up as high as I could. The sun was merciless, and I had to shut my eyes, unable to bear the heated gaze.

It seemed brighter now. And even brighter still.

Then I felt It brush my hooves. The hefty weight of the snowglobe disappeared.

A shaky laugh tore from my frame, a manic grin cutting my muzzle open.

I had done it.

I had won.

And now, as I reached up higher and higher. And then---!

Chapter 10010: The Beyond
Darkness. Complete and utter blackness as far as the eye couldn’t see. Either that or my eyes were closed, but it didn’t feel like my eyes were closed. But I had won! I had triumphed over all the other ponies there! I had- what did I win?
“Heh. You’re a real mess kiddo.”
“Who’s there?” I called, the familiar feelings of panic setting in.
“Oh wait. You’re a pony. Forgot you guys can’t see in the dark. Give me a moment.” The voice was closer now. I started backpedalling when suddenly there was fire. I raised my foreleg in a vain attempt to protect myself from it, but it never reached me. In a few seconds, it was contained.
The speaker was...a dragon. He had gold eyes and scales. In his front claw, he held a simple lantern that radiated light around the dark island. All his other claws were on the ground.
“Who are you?” My voice trembled a bit, but held firm. This was far from the Sunday I had imagined.
“I’m Dreamer. Since you’re staring, I bet you have questions. Ask now. I’m not going to repeat myself.” His wings vibrated slightly, the movement drawing my attention for a minute.
I decided being polite might be a good idea since I’m not fireproof. “Uh...sir, where are we?” Dreamer let out a great laugh.
“Sir?” He snickered. “Sir‽ You sure you didn’t hit your head on the way in?” What? I don’t think so. Did I?
“Uh...no, sir, I don’t think I did.” Did I?
Dreamer stopped laughing. “You probably didn’t. It’s just, no one’s ever mistaken me for a boy. To answer you question, we’re in the great Beyond.” My puzzlement must have shown because she (it?) bit her lip in concentration before speaking again. “Think of like a sort of way station between realms. There are other alternate realms out there, including ones with everything you can imagine and many you can’t imagine.”
“How did I get here?” My wings flared in agitation. I was liking here less and less.
She snorted, puffs of smoke floating out her nostrils. “Well, let’s see. You came from the Au Au, didn’t you? That means you could’ve gotten here by...let’s see. Portal worm, vacuum portal, star portal, dream portal, time portal, temporal loop, too much sugar, poison joke, leyline overload, time dilation, frozen time syndrome, disappearing time syndrome or corrupted timeline syndrome.” My head spun.
“What, what, sugar, what? How do I get out of here?”
“Too much sugar. Means your residence in the Beyond is incredibly temporary. I think that only works on certain earth ponies though. As for how you leave, I’m glad you asked. Unfortunately, the only way out is to enter a portal. Either chance will smile upon you and you’ll go home or you’ll end up in some other universe. In which case, good luck.” I wilted. Other universe? What had I gotten myself into?
“What’s a portal?” Dreamer just snorted and pointed to a dark, all-consuming hole. There were many like it on the island, I noticed, now that I knew where to look. “So I just pick one?”
“Yup.”
I swallowed nervously. Here goes nothing.
I dived.

Chapter 122: Yet another timeline

...and my muzzle connected with something hard. It wasn't another ceiling lamp though because instead of the usual boink the sound was more like a thud. I decided that it's safe to open my eyes and did just that. I was lying on a pier of some sorts. I stood up and looked around. There was big lighthouse in front of me. There was also the same looking lighthouse on my left. And on my right. And behind me. And there were even more lighthouses as far as my eyes could see. All of them were connected by wooden walkways. The place was completely silent save for a quiet sound of small waves crashing again the sides of lighthouses. It was creepy.

Suddenly, the door to the structure in front of me opened and two bipedal creatures walked out. One of them was smaller and looked fragile so I assumed it was a "mare". The other was bigger and more muscular, it had to be the "stallion". They didn't notice me at first but when they did, their expressions turned to what I thought was confusion. The guy immediately pointed some kind of machine at me. He looked scary.

"Who are you and what are you doing here?", he said with anger in his voice.

"Leave her be", said the girl, while putting her hand on his shoulder. "She won't be a problem."

She then leaned down to face me and asked, "Now, what's your name and how did you get here?"

"M-my n-name is Snowy Haze a-and I got here through a p-portal that a big dragon named Dreamer showed me", I answered shakily.

The girl nodded and turned to her companion, "Change of plans, we're going to help this filly get home"

"If you're sure, okay. You're the one who can get us out of here after all", he replied.

They then walked past me. The man stood in front of me as if shielding me and the girl in front of him.

"Okay, Elizabeth you can start"

The girl, Elisabeth, put her hands together pulling at seemingly nothing, each hand in opposite direction. Then the air in front of her started to ripple. Finally, like a tear in a fabric, there was a black and white portal. The girl went through it and the man did the same while motioning to follow them. I did so. I didn't want to stay in this creepy place anyway.

Soon enough, after dealing with Dreamer and his wierd sense of humor, the two left me in front of my home's door. I decided to go to bed. It was still before noon and I've already had enough adventures for today.

"So, what do we do now?"

"I can see some more tears in this universe. We can investigate."

"Really? I think we did more than enough."

"...you know what? Screw it. They can handle it on their own."

"Finally something sensible coming from you."

"Yeah, even our universe isn't as complicated as what I saw through those tears."

"Oh god, is it that bad?"

"It's worse."

"..."

fadeout while the two walk through a black and white portal

Chapter no1cares

I heaved a long, soul-draining sigh. These mortals—these ponies were so tiresome. Jumping through portals, splitting the universe, all for what, a laugh?

Plebeians. And now they've left the mess for me, the once-powerful Rosskatje Golven and now-much-less-powerful Rossby Waves, to clean up.

I was once a god, you know. But he thought it'd be fun to try something different. Did he consult me? No. Did he ask my opinion? No. Just woke up one morning and—poof—suddenly I was a pony. Well, pegasus. At least I still had my wings.

But it's okay, it backfired on him. He had messed up the spell and trapped himself in a foal's body, giving me years to plan my revenge before he's old enough to torment me more.

All I had to do was put this equine universe back in order, return Rood Fluweel and myself to our universe, and all would be well (I mean… I could just leave before fixing this place, but I'm not a jerk).

"Oh, you're a little bit of a jerk."

That voice. I knew that voice.

Slowly, I turned to see Rood Fluweel standing there. Except he was in his pony form. But also an adult. What?

Rood fluttered his lashes. It didn't hide the mischievous look in his purple eyes. Or were the kids calling them orbs these days? It didn't matter. Eyes, orbs, they were mischievous.

"Rood? What—you're a baby! I mean, a foal!"

He approached me and put a hoof to my lips. "You've been here your whole pony life, but you're slipping up your speech now? Is that to show the audience that you're not actually a pony? I think they already got that."

The audience! There was no stupid audience. Just a shattered universe tugging itself in too many directions and on the verge of collapse. I frowned. "Why are you grown up and why are you here?"

Rood shrugged. "The universe had a hole in it, so I jumped through."

That both didn't explain a thing and explained everything all at once. "Okay. So. Then what do you want? I'm trying to fix things here."

"Are you, though?" Rood walked past me, flicking his tail in my face. It smelled like cake frosting. "Or are you just being melodramatic? Honestly, a god as old as yourself should be able to fix this in no time at all."

I rolled my eyes. "Well, I'm not the one who put me in a pony's body, now, am I? Why don't you fix it?"

"Because it's more fun to watch you squirm." Just like he always did before he had trapped himself in the body of Red Velvet, he stepped into the shadows, which coiled around him in wispy tendrils. It was a stupid flashy party trick to remind everypony—everyone who saw him that he was the King of Shadows. Blah, blah, blah.

Anyway, I wasn't being melodramatic. I really was trying to fix things. It all started so simple, didn't it? I had to trace the cracks back to the beginning. Back to where it all started. Undo the damage that had been done…

"Oh, and one more thing," Rood said from somewhere off to my right. When I turned my head to look for him, he popped out of the shadows and planted a kiss right on my lips. "Obligatory Redbsy" was all he said as he grinned and disappeared once more.

Stupid… stupid… stupid Shadow King!! He was just trying to distract me with his stupid tricks and his stupid kisses and his stupid soft lips. I'd show him! I was going to fix everything.

My hooves carried me forward, along the broken trail of fractured universe shards. Visions drifted by of all the things that had gone awry: humans (homo sapiens) in the same world as ponies, dragons from other dimensions, pilgrims (or whatever), carrots (umm… wash them before you eat them, please, so gross), Crystal and Velvet here when they were supposed to be there, Silent in some sort of outfit (whoa okay that's not supposed to look like that), flashbacks galore (seriously, use them sparingly), some human or lesser god or whatever trying to put things back in order (hah, except he failed, unlike me)—

"Same. Sex. Shipping."

I stopped to stare at the shard. Seriously? That lesser god human whatever thing creature had endeavored to fix the universe because of same sex shipping? What did he have against it? There was nothing wrong with it.

"Aww," that stupid voice cooed from right behind me, "I'm happy you feel the same way!"

"Rood!" I spun around to glare at him, but all that was there were shadows. Shadows that were laughing. Stupid Shadow King.

Ugh. He was just trying to distract me. Well, it wouldn't work. I was close, wasn't I? Turning back around, I saw a nigh endless trail before me of broken shards.

Well, thunderstrikes, this was going to take all day.

Okay, where was I? Right. Runic beating up some kind of orb (not like an eye, but an orb, err, like a crystal ball), Prince Red—

Oh, come on! Are these mortals really so blind to that no-good trickster's no-good schemes that they'd make him a prince in some universe? Seriously, no wonder his ego was the size of… As big as… As big as his ego. No, that's not a copout. His ego is literally the biggest thing I can think of. There is nothing to compare it to.

Ugh. You know what? He probably wrote this one himself just to get me all riled up. Well, that's not going to happen.

Nope, I am focused. Super focused on—what in the name of Me is this?! Just looking at this shard is making my face turn as red as Rood's cute—stupid face!

And now there are vamponies. I mean, there always were vamponies in this universe, or so I've been told, but they had done a much better job of hiding themselves than this. This is just… This would be like me using my powers in front of other ponies. If I could still use them. Which I can't. So it'd be doubly impressive if I did.

I'm almost there. The end is in sight. The glowing fracture that started this whole mess is just up ahead. I make my way past the declarations of love between ponies who shared no such feelings (stupid shippers), a shard filled with several voices (okay, only like, three of them, but still), a comedic noir (somehow a perfect combination of both), the origin of the vampony , a sentient fish (what??), a wrestler, another wrestler, and—

There it is. There is where it all started.

Pink Pony. Or as I know her, Roze Pony. Which… might not sound that different to you, but Pink Pony sounds so cute, doesn't it? Her current incarnation's button eyes bely her true nature as Roze Pony. Which, if you can't guess because you're a mortal like the rest of these mortals that screwed everything up, is unrelenting evil.

No, I had to right the wrong. I had to get her out of this plush doll's body. She had trapped a little mare under a bed and was moving toward her, obviously with evil intentions. All of her intentions were evil. They were always evil. Because she was evil. Do you get the point yet?

Evil.

"That's what you say about me, you know," Rood's voice cooed before the shadow king slipped into the light beside me. The pulsing glow from the fracture light up his eyes like a fireworks display (except all the fireworks were all purple. The fireworks pony in charge of them really liked purple).

"No, I say you're stupid and up to no good. I've never called you evil. If you're going to say I say things, at least have them be things I actually said."

Rood kissed me. I hated it when he did that. It made me forget what was going on. But I didn't forget this time! I knew exactly what was going on. He was kissing me. Wait, no, that wasn't it! I was putting the universe back in order. Stupid Shadow King!

I pushed him away with one hoof and pointed at the fracture with another. "Can you focus for one second and help me take care of Roze Pony?!"

Rood hummed a little thoughtful song. He always did that when he was scheming. I hated it when he hummed like that. Finally, he said, "All right."

"No!" I recoiled.

"No?" His ears wiggled. "But I thought you wanted my help?"

"If you're offering to help me, then that means you're up to something. Therefore, no, I'll take care of it myself." I huffed and looked back at the scene playing out in slow motion.

The mare was still stuck. Roze Pony was moving toward her. Time was running out. Everything was going to start over, except worse. Things would get much worse if the cracks turned into chasms. The universe would cease to be. Everything would cease to be. I would cease to be. Rood would cease to be!

Rood leaned in and whispered in my ear, "I can take care of this, you know…"

"No."

"It wouldn't take much… I still have all my powers…"

"what?" i looked at him. "how?"

Rood giggled like a schoolfilly. "See what I did there?"

i did not.

"You're not looking hard enough."

"i—hey! give that back!"

Rood bounded away from me. "Say please!"

"no! i will not! you know what, it's perfectly legible this way. you know what i'm saying, i know what i'm saying. it's fine."

"Mm… Well, suit yourself. Tick tock, tick tock!" He beamed at the fracture.

roze was almost there. she was reaching for the mare's tail. wait, i knew that tail. assurance? asinine? who cares what her name is, soon enough she won't even exist to have a name at all.

"Maybe I can motivate you into being polite by taking… this."

now what? what is there to possibly take? could it be perhaps that he—oh i see. well commas are largely subjective and superfluous anyway. i don't need them. i can solve this just the way i am if only i could figure out how.

Rood tapped a hoof. He was starting to look worried. Good! He should be! Finally, he sighed and walked back over to nuzzle my cheek. "Just say please, you stubborn fool."

i struggled. i looked over at roze pony. i looked back at rood. i felt the distortion around us as the little plush hoof reached for the tail. with no other choice i blurted out "fine! please!"

Pressing his lips to mine for a brief kiss, Rood giggled, and I felt a sudden rush of air followed by a loud POP. I shoved him away and looked around to see the soft pastels of our plane of existence.

"What about the equines?" I asked, glaring at the figure that stood out against the pastels—dull muted reds with bright purple eyes. "Don't tell me I wasted all that time on them for you to just rip us out of there."

"Oh, have a look for yourself." He waved his long, slender fingers and a one-way portal opened up.

Pink Pony was a simple plush doll, purveying a scene of a little mare stuck under a bed. All was well with their universe.

"And ours," Rood said, swatting at the portal to close it and throwing his arms around mine. "I don't have to specify whether they're forelegs or hindlegs anymore! I have arms!"

I rolled my eyes. "Great. So glad for you. Can you let me go now?"

Rood smiled brilliantly. "Nope. I'm so happy for you… You did something mischievous. I'm rubbing off on you!"

"What?" I frowned and tried to push him away. "No, I didn't. I saved a universe. I'm a hero."

Rood booped my nose. "Azurite is still trapped under the bed, silly."

Azurite! That was her… oh. Right. I shrugged. "It's better than being doomed to non-existence."

"And it's that kind of reasoning that I find so precious."

Whatever. Stupid Shadow King.

Soarin and I walked through downtown Canterlot with our saddle bags full of goodies for Azurite’s surprise party. He and I had decided that we were going to celebrate our six-month anniversary of her bringing us back together.

“Do you think she’ll be mad that we were late?” He asked.

I shook my head. “No, I told Silent Knight to come up with some excuse to keep her at the palace as late as possible so that we could set up. I’m sure he was able to do that.”

Soarin shrugged. “I don’t know Sunny, we’re pretty late and while Silent Knight is a pretty smart pony I’m not sure he could hold Azurite down that long. You know… unless he literally held her down. Which, actually, knowing him… that might be the tactic he went with.”

“Yeah… Unless he was running around Canterlot with a temple guard…”

Soarin blinked. “What? Why would he be doing that?”

“I don’t know but there he is!” I pointed a hoof down the street to where Silent Knight stood in his dark armor beside a brilliant white mare with a golden mane. Her armor was highly polished silver and reflected the fading sunlight. The two of them looked serious.

We trotted up quickly. “Aren’t you supposed to be keeping Azurite busy?” I asked.

Silent Knight turned to me and shook his head. “No time. There is some sort of magical force at work here. We’re all endanger.”

The blond mare nodded. “Indeed! The fabric of our world has been stuck to that of others like gum on the bottom of a hoof.”

“O…kay. What do we do? How can we help? Soarin and I are royal guards too!”

“He’s navy,” Silent Knight said absently looking around. “It will do though!”

“Gee, thanks…” Soarin muttered.

“There Silent Knight!” The mare pointed a hoof past us and started galloping. Silent Knight fell in right behind her so we did too. Gifts, food, and decorations flew everywhere as we charged off toward less than certain danger.

In the middle of the street a ray of purple energy shot up into the heavens. Slowly it started to fan out, forming an A shape.

“We are too late! We will be doomed!” The unicorn called, her horn illuminating with golden magic. “Prepare to defend yourselves.”

Silent Knight rushed out in front, sliding to a stop between us and the ray. He drew his sword and fell into his combat stance.

My horn lit as I thought of what spell may the best here. Heat lance? Fire ball?

“I don’t have a weapon,” Soarin whispered as he come to a stop beside me.

“Uh… find a stick or something,” I suggested, focusing my horn forward and trying to remain calm.

To our left another ray shot up, this one pink. Then another… red. And another… green. Four in all!

“Four? I did not foresee this,” the unicorn said flatly.

Before anypony could respond a blinding light flashed within each ray and silhouettes appeared. Slowly they wandered out from the light.

“This is it! Turn them back!” Silent Knight ordered.

When the light dimmed we found ourselves staring down our adversaries… in confusion. They were ponies and looked familiar. Mostly familiar.

For instance the one in front of me looked just like me. Yellow coat, orange and red mane, happy sun on his flank. It was the his part that was weird.

I glanced left and found Silent Knight staring in similar confusion. The pony before him was identical other than being a mare and wearing a Wonderbolt’s uniform.

Soarin was busy facing down a foal version of himself and the unicorn mare was looking up at an alicorn that looked near identical to her.

“This… is confusing,” the unicorn said.

“Hardly so. Across all universes our beings are linked so it is only natural that we would be pulled towards each other. We simply represent the various desires of semi-deranged deities that have meddled in our affairs,” the alicorn explained.

“Aren’t you a deity?” Silent Knight asked, not turning from his opponent.

“Me? Oh, I suppose so. Not really though. Just mostly and certainly not compared to the ones meddling right now.”

“You’re hot,” my stallion doppelganger said. “Are you like… evil too. Is this the evil alternate universe?”

“Thanks! No, I’m not evil, I’m Sunny.”

“Me too!”

Silent Knight’s eyes narrowed. “How do we know you’re not evil?”

“How do we know you’re not evil!” The female Silent Knight replied.

“How do we know we’re not all evil?” The blond unicorn asked.

“That isn’t helpful,” the alicorn replied.

“I think we’re having a standoff… mostly. I mean I could beat a foal— I mean! I wouldn’t beat a foal! Unless he was an evil foal. I just meant… I’m bigger than him,” Soarin stammered.

The foal just wiggled his forehooves up at Soarin and gurgled.

“They have an alicorn though,” I put in.

“And you’re still smokin’ hot,” male me replied.”

“Thank you but that isn’t helping this situation.”

“Isn’t it?” he asked before wiggling his eyebrows.

For some reason that didn’t come across as totally ridiculous. I tossed my mane and laughed. “Hush…”

Silent slowly put his sword away. “Alright. Assume we’re not evil and you’re not evil. Why are you here?”

Blondie spoke up, “Perhaps the cosmic gum is stuck to our world and others are pulled toward it?”

“A broken analogy but yes. The chaotic deities are here and do not belong. They’re best left to human-land.”

“What is human-land?” Soarin asked.

“A dull place without ponies and magic. Plus they’re massive giants that care only about coffee, sex, and pretending to be offended by everything on Tumblr. Oh, and cat pictures on the internet. They love those.”

“What is the internet!” Silent Knight asked, stomping his hoof. “This is frustrating.”

“Oh calm down. Am I really like this here? A big brute warrior?” Fem-Knight asked.

“He’s boring too,” I called before swishing my tail. “So, what do they call you stud?” I asked my counterpart.

“Me? Oh I’m Sunny too. Sunny Smile.” He then grinned, showing off lots of teeth.

That was it. I grabbed him and planted a kiss right on his stupid grinning face.

“Hey!” Soarin called.

I pushed Smile back and gasped. “It isn’t cheating! He is me. I’m sorry you got a foal. If you had a female Soarin I wouldn’t complain.”

“Yeah!” Smile replied before kissing me again.

“This is ridiculous. I’m going to go report to the Princess,” I vaguely heard Silent Knight said.

“Okay, me too. It will be good to see my mom,” Fem-Knight replied.

“Mom? What?”

“Oh, well my mom died in the war so Princess Luna adopted me. So… you know… she’s my mom.”

“Ah… well come on.”

“What’s your deal?”

“Me? Oh, I’m just a guard and/or soldier going through some stuff. Most people just assume I’m going to end up dead and potentially become an alicorn.”

“Oh, one of those worlds. Well, sorry chief. No boys allowed.”

“Mares…”

Smile and I continued our make out session. Don’t judge me. When else was I going to have this opportunity? Smile on Day was hot!

Soarin cleared his throat. “Sunny, would you quit it. You’re making me jealous and I don’t know what to do with this foal.”

With a huff I set a hoof on Smile’s chest and pushed him back. “Fine, fine. Get the foal. Smile and mini-Soarin can come with us.”

“What about me?” The blond mare asked.

“We don’t really know you but sure… what are you going to do with the alicorn?”

The alicorn looked confused. “Do with me? I am not to be done with. I do as I wish and I wish to go find these deities so that we can all return to our own universes.”

I waved a hoof. “Okay, sure, fine. Go do that. Everypony else with me! We’re going to the Mare Contraire to show Dolly.”

“Yay!” They all cheered before we headed out.

***

Meanwhile…

“Hello? Somepony help me! I’m still stuck under the bed. Would somepony please get me out of here?”