So I have to crawl back here.

I came tothe conclusion that I am a neurotic mess.

I am stupid. I am afraid of trying anything no matter how had I try to start.

After failing college my entire identity crumbled into nothing. Being intelligent was all that I could hold one to. Nothing else mattered and it was the only thing that I was good at that mattered to other people.

I have spent years in suicidal thought for the last 8 years because of it and have done nothing bu reluctantly go from minimum wage job to minimum wage job,mainly in that no one hires me for long. It's always temps.

Everybody knows what a peice of shit I am here. So let me say this. What is there to do for someone that has to work twice as hard as everyone else to be normal and isn't good at anything. Not even the things he likes?

I have no places I like to be in, and I don't have anyone.

No friends, a depressed divorced dad that I haven't been able to make happy or proud in a 12 years, a cat, and me hating everything about myself.

My entire history regarding my attempts at a social life can be summed up by Asa here.

I want to start making a video tomorrow narrating one of the books I have that is in the public domain. That isn't probably going to get me anywhere.

I am stalling publishing my first novel mainly in that I still need to tweek it....

I pretty much have unrequited love with fictional characters now because I know how much of an ugly looser I am so I might as well imagine a fictional live life where I am a better man that I am. Not a self-glorification like a maru-sue, more like I am the sort of person that I failed to become...

If at all possible, I would suggest therapy. I've lost pretty much everything in my life over the last couple years, and I know I can't rebuild what I had. I'm not going to say look at me I'm happy, because I'm not. But I'll be damned if I'm going to give up. And therapy certainly helped me pick up what I could.
It's going to painful and hard, but the goal is to take reality on it's terms. This post is a good start for you, looking for support where you can, and (when you can) moving on to stronger support structures.
Many of us lose everything we are at some point in our lives, failing to be who we "should" have been. But we have to deal with who we are. It's a nice relief to have that fictional life to visit, but you can't live in it. It will suck you down further and into darker places if you try.
As for your novel, don't let perfection be the enemy of good. If you hold off to always tweak it, it will never be done, and you may chalk it up to another failure. But if you publish it, that's an accomplishment. No matter how it's received it's something you've contributed.
Don't have expectations for how your reading will be received, the hardest part is finding your audience, if you know anything about SEO (search engine optimization) use it to your advantage and hunt down that audience. I don't know anything about it so I'm not the one to ask.
I'm going to end this with something kind of cheesy, but relevant. Paraphrasing from Austin (I don't know his whole name, he used to work for Game Theory,) and he was talking about his struggles with depression,
When you spend so long in the darkness, even the flame of a match is as brilliant as the sun. But you can't let yourself be satisfies with that, keep struggling for that brighter light and you'll see how much more there is for you. But if you stay where you are, right now, even with the dim flicker of that match, you'll never see more than the darkness.

7824978

Everybody knows what a peice of shit I am here.

I don't think you're a piece of shit.

Also, I can relate to you failing college. I wasted two years of my life on A-Levels and, even if I did pass A-Levels, it would have just simply gotten me the qualifications necessary for a university course, which would have meant more years wasted in school. Speaking of which, I was also a neurotic mess during my time in A-Levels to the point that there were at least a few occasions where I had to run the gents' toilets and throw up because my anxiety levels were through the roof. There was also this attractive girl in my year who liked my sense of humour and, while not really the talkative type, seemed friendly enough but I never made a move on her out of a sense of pride, a crippling fear of being emotionally hurt, and prioritizing my schoolwork. A pity really because, while I've seen plenty of people enter relationships and get their hearts broken, I feel that with benefit of hindsight I would have learned more from trying to get closer to her than I ever would from my entire time in A-Levels. Experience is the best teacher, after all.

I also know what it's like to have a significant part of your identity crumble before your very eyes. I once prided myself on being autistic to the point that I thought making a cartoon where every single character was on the spectrum was a good idea. Then I was introduced to the existence of Chris-chan and other autists like him and came to the disturbing conclusion that, while I know not everyone on the spectrum is like them, I'm not that far removed from them. That and I'm pretty sure autism isn't the only thing going on in my head considering my mum has bipolar and I myself suffer from mood swings from time to time, which is a major reason why I tend to start projects, then get burnt out very quickly, then put those projects on the backburner if not cancel them entirely before focusing on a different if not new project whenever the mood strikes me.

So, yeah. TL;DR I know how you feel. Ever need a friend to talk to, I'm all ears.

PS: I really hope they make more seasons of the Chainsaw Man anime. I really do.

7825000
How can I be happy, if I am not good at anything?

and have done nothing bu reluctantly go from minimum wage job to minimum wage job,mainly in that no one hires me for long. It's always temps.

You've been able to get job after job after job! That is an accomplishment, and some people can't do it.

no one hires me for long. It's always temps.

Yes, 'temps' means they probably won't hire you for long...it's in the name!
And here you are beating yourself up over it. Not fair imho.

Not a self-glorification like a maru-sue

'Maru' is Japanese for zero. The English term is 'Mary Sue.'
You have invented a new term, a self-insert who sees themself as just a zero.
I am now tempted to borrow this and credit you.

a depressed divorced dad that I haven't been able to make happy or proud in a 12 years,

This sounds like another thing that probably isn't your fault, idk?

In my thoughts and prayers friend! As someone chronically depressed, I can relate to your story. But don't let that write the end for you. Be the author of your own tale, try some therapy, find some friends (easier said than done, though I have found FimFiction a great help there) and write yourself a better ending. Maybe first in you fiction, but make it in your life too. I have reasons to live and love, and I am certain you can find yours too, especially if you find some decent friends.
The indecent friends can be fun too, but nowhere near as helpful.

7825021
If I where more successful he would have kess of a reason to have lost all hope.

7825028
True dat

7824978 Collage might nave not make any difference. Employers just want to see work done, they don't care about useless titles.

In some parts of the world, people work for free. You get paid, how awesome is that!

You've tried many different jobs in your life and you're making yourself busy even off work. If you ask me, you have an amazing life.

The only problem you have is that you're incapable of appreciating what you have, for you don't have little.

Your environment isn't bringing you down. Even kings of the past would be jealous of the luxury you live in. You're the only one who's bringing yourself down.

I get that you're bleeding. But all you have to do is stop stabbing yourself all the time. That's all that it takes.

7825016
You're good at writing. That's a start.